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7 Reasons I Don’t Care About Cheryl Bloody Cole

Posted on February 24, 2010 in Posts | 8 comments

1.  Thug. The nation loves Cheryl Cole, so we are told.  Do we?  I don’t.  I’m quite sure that Sophie Amogbokpa doesn’t – that’s the toilet attendant and part-time law student that Cheryl Cole was convicted of assaulting in a nightclub toilet in 2003.  The judge at the trial wasn’t particularly taken with her either, criticizing her for having “…showed no remorse whatsoever.”  That’s at least three people who don’t love Cheryl Cole.  I’m pretty sure my cat doesn’t like her either.

2.  Heartbreak. We’ve spent the last two weeks reading about how heartbroken Cheryl Cole is over her husband’s dalliances and now newspapers are reporting that she has a new boyfriend.  That’s not heartbreak, it’s not even heartslightlybent or heartatinyweenybitchipped.  We can’t blame her for this though, we’ve got an insatiable media hungry for any new angle on this story – it’s selling a lot of newspapers, after all.  Poor Cheryl is obviously being exploited by them.  After all, if she knew that her every move was being scrutinized by the media, would she entertain a man in her hotel room until 4am?  Of course not, unless she wanted to wring yet more publicity out of the story…oh, silly me.

3.  America. After the Ashley Cole phone-text-photo story broke earlier this month, Cheryl Cole went off to America to spend some time away from the media spotlight, choosing as her destination the quiet, secluded backwater of Los Angeles.  Purely coincidentally, this is where most US television executives are based.  Did you know that Cheryl is being considered as a judge on the American X Factor, which Simon Cowell will be launching there next year?  How propitious that she should find herself in a town full of television executives – who may not have heard of her previously – at the very moment she has an enormous press-pack following her every move.

4.  Attractiveness. Another popular myth about Cheryl Cole is that everyone finds her attractive.  This is not true, I don’t.  I find her flawless face, small, perky nose and large, almond-shaped eyes a bit weird to be honest.  She has the perfect, symmetrical, neotenous visage of a Disney character.  Is this really something grown-ups find attractive?  Not me.  I don’t fancy Cheryl Cole and I don’t fancy Pocahontas.  Nor do I lust after The Little Mermaid.

5.  Ashley. Whatever you think of Ashley Cole and the way he conducts himself, it’s hard to fault him over the way he’s conducted himself since the story broke.  He’s kept quiet about it.  He’s just shut up and got on with trying to recover from his ankle injury in time for the World Cup.  I’ll level with you, I can’t stand Ashley Cole.  I think that the revelations that emerged a couple of years ago – that he cheated on his wife and paused during sex with a girl he’d met at a nightclub, so he could throw up on her bedroom floor, before resuming sex – show an appalling lack of respect for his wife, his marriage, women in general, and carpets.  He is obviously a foul and abhorrent rotter.  So when Ashley Cole is the one setting the example of how to behave decorously in the face of the media onslaught over the break-up, something is seriously wrong.

Cheryl Cole - Ashley Cole National Lottery advert

6.  Cynicism. You can call me cynical but…actually, forget the but, you can call me cynical – I can live with that.  I find the whole media obsession with the Coles a bore, and I find Cheryl’s manipulation of that interest exploitative and wholly self-serving.  I may have a very cynical view of the whole thing, but it’s nothing when compared to the cynicism with which she is wringing every last bit of sympathy and publicity from the coverage.

7.  Does anyone else care? Okay, I have just spent a good bit of time thinking about it, and a fair amount of time writing about it, but I don’t actually care about Cheryl Cole or Ashley Cole (except during England matches), I’m just annoyed by all of the media coverage that their break-up is generating.  I’m sure that there are far more important events happening in the world than the break-up of a thug who can’t sing and a footballer who can’t keep his trousers on, I just don’t know what they are because the news agenda is dominated by this non-story.  Perhaps something is happening in Haiti, the Falklands, Madeira, parliament, Afghanistan or Northern Ireland.  Who knows?

Do you care about Cheryl and Ashley Cole’s break-up?  If so, please tell me why via the comments section, as I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something I’m missing.

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  1. My howmuchofafuckdoIgiveometer is at level Couldnt Give a

  2. What Andy said. With bells on.
    .-= SarahCanterbury´s last blog ..Owais Shah batting and Geraint Jones =-.

  3. Do I care about their break up? No. Nor does anyone I know. But then I don’t often hang out with tabloid journalists who seem to be the only people who do.

  4. You forgot to mention her accent.
    .-= Jon´s last blog ..Time For a Holiday =-.

  5. @Andy, @Sarah, @Simon, It’s official then. No one is interested in Cheryl Cole, except for tabloid journalists and Jon – who wanted me to write more about her. Perhaps we should boycott all news media, or something, until they start reporting the actual news and stop prying into the private life of vapid simpletons.
    .-= Marc´s last blog ..Bye Bye Blue Bear =-.

  6. I *STILL* don’t know who the hell she is or is supposed to be. Hopefully one, other or both of me & her can go to our graves with this situation intact.

  7. No, I am getting really pissed off with her being everywhere now, I don’t see anything good about her…she isn’t talented, all her beauty is fake (look back at her pics from when she first began girlband the show), and she’s bitchy and catty to any naturally pretty girl she see’s, I don’t like her, other people can think what tehy like, but personally…i can’t stand her

  8. I fucking loathe her. But whether she dies in a Paris underpass, or flakes out on a skiing trip to Klosters – the circus will go on, and another fucking idiot will be paraded before us as the new Messiah, complete with plastic face and paper thin personality.
    If I was in charge – I’d get all these celeb ‘journalists’ (who we funded to go to college/Uni and then NCTJ college) in a fucking line and fracture their fingers. And the editor of The Star would get one in the back of the head.


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