Tag: Pets

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Dogs Make Better Pets Than Most Other Things (Including Yetis)

Like me, you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking, “My dog’s pretty cool, but how amazing would it be to have a pet that’s really unique, like a dragon or a yeti?” This is an entirely reasonable question, and one you should not be ashamed of. The world can only take so many Labradoodles and Puguauas, after all.

But apart from the inconvenient fact that most of these mythical creatures are difficult to source, let alone adequately care for, there are better reasons for re-discovering why canines are top dog when it comes to the pet question. Unless, that is, someone knows how I can get my hands on a griffin.

I’d like to report a missing dog.

1. Sasquatch. Call it what you will – Sasquatch, Yeti, Bigfoot – just don’t call it a good pet. Where to start? Well for one thing, can you imagine how much an overgrown ape-man would eat? You can reason with a dog. A dog will be happy with whatever you give it, and the more care you put into your best friend’s diet, the more he will love you. A Sasquatch? I’ve heard a lot of things about Sasqui, but gratitude and loyalty have never featured among them. And while we’re on the topic, Bigfoot’s a bit of a lazy name for a hairy, lumbering creature with a stout base, and anyway it’s not very nice. Even if they’re big, dumb, graceless oafs, Sasqui have feelings, too.

2. Ewoks. Do you know what Ewoks do when they’re not on camera? They greet everything – soft furnishings, cuddly toys, home appliances – with a fervour that’s indelicate and overly familiar. Ewoks aren’t discerning and they’re not discreet. If you thought your Schnauzer could be a little uncouth sometimes, believe me, you do not want to leave an Ewok alone with your Great Aunt Marge’s leg.

3. Nessie. Oh come on, no one really believes in the Loch Ness Monster.

4. Dragons. Dragons are notoriously high maintenance. Your dog is quite happy to make do with a small bed or an area on the carpet she can continually scratch in hopes of scrunching it into something bed-like. A dragon needs a whole cave and I don’t know about you, but affordable caverns are pretty hard to come by in my neck of the woods. A dog’s breath may make you gag, but it’s not going to singe your eyebrows (probably.) A dog won’t lay waste to everything in its path (probably.) A dog won’t demand its own iTunes account or want to watch every episode of Loose Women ever made or sit around flicking its tail insolently and leaving little bits of chainmail everywhere. You really want high maintenance? Get a cat.

5. Robots. Look, you can have a robot if you want to. Nobody’s stopping you. It’s just robots make stupid pets, even robots that look like dogs. Especially robots that look like dogs. They’re not exactly going to shower you with unconditional love and affection, are they? They’re just machines that do what you tell them to do. Until they develop independent thought and decision-making capabilities, turn on you, destroy your home, steal your identity and take your favourite Def Leppard t-shirt. Not so cool then, are they?

6. Griffins. I’ve got to be honest, I really can’t think of a good reason not to have a pet that’s part-lion, part-eagle and all bad-ass. If anyone’s got a griffin for sale, just name your price.

7. Unicorns. Unicorns cannot play fetch. This is a fact. Some believe it’s because their magical sparkly horn gets in the way and punctures anything thrown to them, but that’s not the real reason. The real reason is that unicorns are plonkers. They’re petulant and temperamental and usually huffy. They care too much about not messing up their rainbow flowing mane and not enough about retrieving. Unicorns are essentially self-absorbed muppets.

Wait! Muppets! Now that’s a pet I could go for.

October 5, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Almost Everyone Should Keep Chickens

Dads are an interesting bunch. They’re either absent; or they’re present in body but absent in any meaningful way (such as when you want a lift to a dodgy club no parent worthy of the title would ever take their 17-year-old, much less drop off a block away so the teenager in question wouldn’t have to be seen with their totally embarrassing dad); or they care deeply about the fortunate position they’re in and want to bestow upon their children gems of wisdom. Gems like, “You could feed the world on chickens and zucchini. If everyone just kept chickens and grew zucchini, world hunger would cease.”

Like I said, interesting.

In honour of Father’s Day – and now that I am 36 years old and living 4,000 miles away from my bonkers old man – I can concede that fathers sometimes do know best. At least when it comes to solving life’s little problems, like world hunger. So as a tribute to my dad, here are 7 reasons why almost everyone should keep chickens.

1. Chickens + zucchini = starvation solved! In a nutshell, the theory is this: chickens are inexpensive, easy to keep and don’t take up much space. They produce eggs, which you can eat, and if you can tolerate a noisy cockerel, they’ll also keep producing chickens, which you also can eat. Zucchini, otherwise known as courgette, operates in much the same way. Cheap, self-sufficient, produces loads. Mind you, no one actually likes to eat zucchini, but shred it in with some eggs (and other stuff) and you can make the world’s greatest cake. Fact.

2. Got weeds? Hate cutting the grass? Get chickens and they’ll do all the work for you. What’s more, they’ll actually enjoy doing it for you. Let’s not kid ourselves that chickens are anything like pets, because they’re not. They’re skittish instead of cuddly, they sometimes get mites (which are gross) and they’re incredibly stupid. So stupid, in fact, that their world revolves around scratching up worms and picking at weeds. Chickens are like vacuum cleaners for the garden, except that they…

3. …poo everywhere. This is one aspect that chicken enthusiasts will always gloss over. Yes it’s lovely to see a smattering of colourful hens blissfully pecking about in your garden, but the price you pay is in poo. On the upside, the stinky stuff is so rich in nutrients that it will keep your zucchini plants growing fat and happy without any weird chemical frankenfertilisers.

4. I’ve yet to meet a kid who willingly eats the crusts of bread, but do you know who will? That’s right. As well as being squawking, pooing, mite-infested simpletons, chickens have another thing going for them: they will eat anything your kids won’t, including eggs and eggshells. But not actual chicken-meat byproducts, which would just be gross and cruel, even if they’d be too dumb to know the difference.

5. Also, kiddies love chickens. Collecting eggs is like finding a little present every day. Feeding chickens gives children a sense of responsibility and compassion, or at least it keeps them out of your hair for five minutes. Better yet, let your kids have some fluffy chicks. Just don’t tell them they’ll probably get eaten someday (the chickens, not the kids.)

6. Everybody loves eggs. Therefore your popularity will be guaranteed every time you nonchalantly offer a free half-dozen to your mates. No one has to know it’s because the thought of one more omelette is enough to send you rushing for the laxatives.

7. Chickens in knitwear. This phenomenon is beyond my powers of sarcasm, you just have to appreciate it for yourselves.

June 3, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Brits Love Pets

If you’re one of the millions of households with a pet, you’ll be able to vouch for us when we say that we’re a nation of animal lovers.

Pets are a big part of family life, but they come at a cost as this infographic ‘The Real Cost Of Owning A Pet’ from Baines & Ernst shows.

Getting a pet is of course a big financial commitment, but if it is one you can afford, it’s more than rewarding.

Here are 7 reasons why Brits love animals…

1. They’re always pleased to see you. When you’ve had a long day, having a friendly face waiting for you at home can be a real tonic. Unlike a human partner, there’s no nagging about being late or sulking because you shouted at them this morning. Your four legged friend is just delighted to see you. And even if you go out of the room for a moment, you are guaranteed a similarly rapturous response on your return – your very own furry fan club.

2. They love you no matter what. Your pet sees you at your worst – first thing in the morning, last thing at night and all those times when you’ve worked yourself up over something ridiculous. And besides, who else would be willing to ignore your habit of sitting on the sofa in your underwear and cutting your toenails into an old pizza box?

3. They won’t spill your secrets. You know what it’s like – you’re given a piece of juicy gossip but are sworn to secrecy…. and immediately your lips start burning with the desire to tell someone. Chatting to your pet about what you have been told doesn’t count – and unlike spilling the beans to another person, there’s no risk they will slip up and drop you in it. Unless you have a talking dog, then let’s face it… you’ll make millions.

4. They stop you being lazy. You really should go to the gym but it’s cold outside and you would rather curl up on the sofa and relax. However, you have to take your furry friend for his evening walkies and there’s no escaping it, so off you go for your daily dose of exercise, whether you like it or not!

5. They’re a constant source of amusement. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that can make you smile, even if they have made you laugh countless times before. It’s difficult not to be amused at the sight of a cat going wild on cat nip or a dog chasing the reflection of a laser torch. And if your own pet is being boring, well, there’s always You Tube. Wonder whatever happened to Fenton…

6. You’re never short of company. Pets always make great company so it’s hard to feel like you’re alone with a pet in your life. They’re there from the moment you get up to when you go to bed. They’ll never complain that Match of the Day is on or if you’ve already seen that episode of Friends a million times before. Dogs will go out walking with you for hours, while cats will curl up next to you when you need a cuddle. They really are quite awesome.

7. There’s always someone else to blame for the smell. Pretty self explanatory… always useful! BAD DOG!

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January 22, 2013
7 Reasons That Kim Jong Il Is The Ideal Pet

Hello dear reader! At 7 Reasons, we’re not afraid to admit when we’re wrong and today, we do just that. Once, we were of the opinion that the Komodo dragon was the ideal pet but, though that would be amazing, we’ve realised that there is a superior one. It’s Kim Jong Il. Here’s why.

1. Kim Jong Il Comes In Many Colours. Whatever your interior colour scheme; whatever hue and shade your decor, there’s a Kim Jong Il to blend in perfectly with it. Even if it’s beige.

2. Kim Jong Il Is Independent. Don’t want a needy pet that requires you to take it out for walks or let it in and out five times per hour? Kim Jong Il is ideal: He comes with his own man-flap.

3. Kim Jong Il Annoys The Neighbours. All the best pets annoy the neighbours, whether it’s next-door’s dog barking at all hours, next-door’s cat pooing in your flower bed or next door’s snake being a snake in close proximity to you. Kim Jong Il does this too.

4. Kim Jong Il Is Loved By Women. That’s important in a pet. After all, they’re usually the ones that end up looking after them once the children grow tired of the responsibility. Surely there isn’t a woman alive that wouldn’t jump at the chance to care for Kim Jong Il.

5. Kim Jong Il Is Good With Children. This is an important consideration when choosing a pet. You need a pet that can help teach them social skills and engender a sense of playfulness in them. That pet is Kim Jong Il.

6. Kim Jong Il Makes Everyone Happy. Everyone loves the warm, fuzzy joy of pet-ownership (it’s one of the reasons we have them). They bring delight and wonder into our lives and spread happiness and warmth wherever they go. So does Kim Jong Il.

7. Kim Jong Il Is Easy To Feed. While other pets have special dietary requirements and often need to be fed expensive and exotic foodstuffs, Kim Jong Il prefers a simple diet of radishes.*

So there you go. Kim Jong Il is the ideal pet. The only drawback is that you might occasionally have to see this.

Seems a small price to pay. So let’s all go out and get a Kim Jong Il. Is a home really a home without one?

*Or sometimes fresh lobsters that he has airlifted to his train whenever he’s away travelling.

**For fans of looking at Kim Jong Il looking at things, this is the place to go.

June 2, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons I am Better Than You

Hi there, it’s Saturday, so here’s a guest post. Curling up on the 7 Reasons sofa today is Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns who – when he wakes up – wants to explain why he’s better than you. And us, probably.

1. Fur. Ever tried to wear fur? No, of course you haven’t you timorous numpty, you timid wretch, you cowardy, cowardy custard. Because you’re fearful. You’re afraid of PETA. You think that if you don a fur coat you’ll be attacked by a mob of militant lefties who object to your sartorial decisions. But I’m not scared, PETA aren’t going to object to me wearing fur, because I’m better than you; wearing fur is my birthright, and I wear it as if to the manor born, without fear of reproachment. Because I’m awesome! Because I’m a cat!

2. Benevolence. I’m kind to my minions. Very kind. And I’m uber-agile, in fact, I can bend over backwards and lick my own bottom. But you can’t. You have to scrape bits from trees and roll them up into a ball in order to clean your own fetid arses. This is because you’re pathetic and incapable of washing yourself properly. But I’m not, I’m wondrous and supple and can cleanse my own ring with my tongue. Which, let’s face it, saves you a job, so I’m benevolent too.

3. Competition. So who’s the most awesome human that there is? That’s right, Superman. He can leap twenty times his own height; he can hear things that are going on miles away and he can’t be snuck up on while he’s sleeping. Well, me too. Superman, however, can be defeated by kryptonite. But I can’t, I can do all of those things with no fear of kryptonite or of looking like a dweeb at the fortress of solitude. Because I’m magnificent, and because I’m still rocking my fur coat while Superman’s attired in a thin, shiny number with his pants outside outside his lycra leggings. He looks like the world’s worst-dressed cyclist ever, and I just look amazing. Look at ME!

4. Night. You blundering dunderheads can’t even see in the dark. Want to know how many times I’ve fallen over a human when the lights are off? None. When oversized, underbalanced simpletons like you wander around without burning electricity, however, you’re endlessly falling over me (especially the tall one with the ginger beard). Because I’m abso-fucking-beauteously wonderful, and because I like to hang around in the hallway. To mock you. Because I can.

5. Temperature. You mewling, simpering feckless nonentities can’t even regulate your own body temperatures, but I can; I’m the master of my own temperature. The nearest you feeble people come to accomplishing that is the human inhabitants of the North-East of England: Geordies. But they lack my sonorous voice and natural grace. Also, despite their bravura, many of them die of hypothermia on their way home in the winter. But I haven’t. Ever. It would be a waste of one of my nine lives (eight better than you) if I were to do so, and I’m not prepared to do it.

6. Size Is Important. Just look at the size of yourself, you lumbering bioped. Look at the amount of space that your unwieldy, bloated, overstuffed body takes up. Where human designers prattle on about space efficiency as some sort of ideal, I live it. I am space efficiency. Because I take up less space than you. I can curl up into a tiny-weeny ball. Can you? No. Not at all. But I can. I’m fantastic.

7. Nature. I’m just naturally better than you. I am. When you poo, does anyone scurry around to scoop it up? No, of course not. You have to dispose of it yourself. But when I shit, one of my underlings comes and disposes of it for me. Every time. Because I’m a cat, and they’re not. In fact, everything revolves around me, abso-fucking-lutely-everything. Dinner is served at the regular hour at which I require it. Tradesmen come to repair the home in which I dwell and the humans who live here to serve me pay for it themselves. And, when they’re not feeding me or opening doors for me, they even let me use them as chairs. Would they do that for you? No, of course not. But they do it for me, because I’m better than you.

November 27, 2010
7 Reasons I Ended Up Appearing Quite Mad Yesterday (Even Though I’m Not)

Sometimes, when you’re sitting around, minding your own business, an event occurs. An event to which you are compelled to react. And, while your reaction is brilliantly conceived and perfectly rational, a chain of events ensues that eventually makes you appear irredeemably, unutterably, stupendously mad. Like yesterday.

This is not my neighbour's cat, nor is it my cat, nor is it my wall. This cat on a wall is from the internet.

While I was writing, a cat appeared on the six foot high wall at the bottom of my garden. One of next door’s cats. Now, I don’t want any of next door’s cats in my garden, because it’s where my cat lives. I want him to be able spend his time in the garden sleeping, licking, and staring at the gate unmolested by other cats. So I had to let the other cat know that he wasn’t welcome in our garden. Now I know how to scare a cat; it’s easy. But going outside and hissing and shouting at this cat wasn’t going to convey the right message. I needed to let the interloper know he was in another cat’s territory, and that he should stay away.

1. Plan A. I went and fetched my dozing cat from the sofa. My cat didn’t want to know. I showed him the intruder through the dining room window. He saw the other cat and ignored him. This was disappointing. This isn’t going to scare anyone I thought, as my cat fell asleep on the windowsill. This wouldn’t even scare mice. Nervous mice.

2. Plan B. Right, I thought. If the sight of my cat asleep on the windowsill isn’t enough to strike the fear of god into the intruder, I’ll have to escalate things. I’ll have to send my cat out to deal with him. I woke him up, reminded him of the presence of the other cat and carried him into the utility room. I placed him on the floor, next to his cat-flap; I delivered a rousing speech to him and then opened it so that he could sally forth to dispatch his foe. He didn’t move. He sat and purred at me. I tried to usher him through his flap, but he clearly wasn’t going to go. My cat, I thought, is a disappointment.

3. Plan C. I know, I’ll open the back door really loudly. If I can’t scare him away with a cat, then at least opening the door loudly will make the intruder run; and my cat might conceivably think that he’s the one causing him to flee in terror and emerge with feline dignity intact and be that bit braver next time. As loudly as I could, I unlocked the door and, with as much speed and force as I could muster, I heaved the door open. I was rewarded with the sight of a terror-stricken cat, fleeing for its life. Bugger, I thought, as I went to retrieve him from behind the sofa. This isn’t going well.

4. Plan D. I picked him up, returned to the utility room and carried him through the back door. “Look”, I said to the other cat, “I have a cat here and I’m not afraid to use him”. The other cat was not as moved by our presence as I had hoped that he would be. Impassively, he licked his paw and turned his head away.

5. Plan E. Okay, I clearly wasn’t being terrifying enough. I raised our cat above my head so that he was higher up than the cat on our wall. This will do it, I thought, there are only two things that can possibly go through the other cat’s mind. One: “Blimey! What the hell is that hideous giant cat/man hybrid creature over there, I’d better run for it”. Or two: “ Blimey! Look what that man’s doing to that feckless fat-cat from next door. I’m probably next. I’d better run for it.” But if these things went through his mind, he didn’t show it; unless this cat instinctively displays abject terror by blinking slowly, that is. I was going to have to get nearer.

6. Plan F. With my arms fully outstretched, cat held aloft, above my head; I charged toward the other cat. It didn’t move. I was closing quickly and when I got to within eight feet it still hadn’t moved.

7. Plan G. Realising that my charge wasn’t unnerving enough, I decided that I needed a war cry, and I began to roar (at a volume which surprised even me) as I charged through the garden. But the other cat still hadn’t moved, and I was almost upon it. I realised it needed a little more time to realise the desperate situation it was in, so I pulled away at the last moment to run a lap of my garden, still roaring and, as my cat and I rounded the top of the garden and turned to face the enemy once more I saw him react, startled, jump down from the wall and run. My jubilation was short lived. I also saw…

…My neighbour emerge from her back door, the sound of which had presumably – unbeknownst to her, as she couldn’t possibly have seen it – scared the other cat away. I slowed to a halt and stopped roaring. “Hi”, I said, breezily, realising I still had the cat above my head, and that I probably looked quite foolish.

“Er…Hi”, she replied.

I felt self-conscious, and it occurred to me that some sort of explanation of my behaviour was required. “I was just scaring the cat”.

“I’m not surprised”, she replied.

November 11, 2010
7 Reasons a Komodo Dragon is the Ideal Pet

The Komodo dragon: A carnivorous lizard that can grow up to 9.8 feet in length might, to the uninformed layman, seem like a poor choice of pet. But it isn’t. The Komodo dragon is, in fact, the ideal domestic animal for many people. And here are seven reasons why.

1. They’re Cool. Just look at it! It’s a veritable behemoth of a dinosaur/land-crocodile/lumbering monster. It’s got a forked tongue and a pointy tail! It makes next door’s dog look rubbish in comparison. In fact, it will probably eat next door’s dog. Then you won’t have to put up with the damned thing barking at aeroplanes and at your bicycle all night. You’ll be the envy of your neighbourhood because being the owner of a Komodo dragon is cool, and being the owner of a missing dog is not cool. Even if you do a very good job on the posters.

2. Health. For elderly people, a pet can be most advantageous to their health. A small dog can keep them company and provide them with stimulation in the form of exercise. But, for young, active people, a small dog doesn’t go far enough. You need larger, more demanding pet. The physical and mental challenge of getting past a Komodo dragon in your hallway every morning will leave you feeling alive, alert and invigorated. If you are successful, that is. If you’re not successful then at least you may have lost some weight. And you’ll be better motivated the next time. And how many limbs do you really need anyway?

3. Eggs. Komodo dragons lay eggs. This is beneficial as the conventional method of getting fresh eggs is to keep chickens, which are scary creatures with cruel, unblinking eyes and alarmingly pointed beaks that make clucking noises and peck you when you’re not expecting it. But if you keep a Komodo dragon as a pet, you can have fresh eggs for breakfast without ever having to suffer the presence of a chicken again.

4. Return To A Simpler, Bygone Age. “It was much better in my day”, we’re often told by nostalgic elders, wistfully pining for a return to the society of their youth; “we could go out all day and leave our doors unlocked”. And with a Komodo dragon as your pet, you too will be able to go out all day and leave your doors unlocked. Hell, if your Komodo dragon grows big enough, you won’t even need doors. And if the elderly are to be believed, this will be bloody marvellous. In the fullness of time, you’ll be able to bore your grandkids senseless about how nice it was in your day without keys/locks/doors/bolts/alarms or any other security paraphernalia, just good old Tufty guarding the house and the odd bobby on the beat strolling by. That’s if your grandchildren haven’t been eaten by Tufty, of course. And even if they have been, that’s all the more Werther’s Original and Jamaica ginger cake for you. There is literally no downside to Komodo dragon ownership.

5. Feeding. Now I know what you’re thinking and stop that right now: He will not find you less attractive if you wear the shoes with the smaller heels, and she will not notice that the browsing history’s disappeared from the laptop again. Well, she will now, I should never have mentioned it. Sorry. Anyway, I also know that you’re thinking: A Komodo dragon will eat me out of house and home; surely I’d be better off getting a cat. But you’re wrong. Because cats need feeding twice a day, and Komodo dragons can eat on as few as twelve occasions per year, which is 718 less feeds per annum than a cat requires. Admittedly your Komodo dragon will probably need something more substantial than a bowl of Whiskas; a couple of kilograms of mince, perhaps. Or a goat. But that still seems like less food than a cat would consume. In fact, you may never need to feed it at all as, if you let your Komodo dragon out of the house, it will happily forage for pedestrians all by itself.

6. Reproduction. Now I’m not an expert on the reproductive systems of Komodo dragons but, at 7 Reasons (.org) we are nothing if not well-researched.* And, during the initial minute of my study into fauna native to the island of Komodo, I unearthed this amazing fact: The Komodo dragon does not have a diaphragm. This is great for the Komodo dragon owner, as it means that they’ll be fantastically easy to breed: The female won’t have to disappear to the bathroom for ages beforehand, and the male won’t get bored waiting and begin to think about chips. You can’t argue with science like that. A little knowledge truly does go a long way.

7. Home Movies. Many owners film their pets and then show the movies to their friends. But other people’s pets are really dull (unless they have a Komodo dragon, of course). And friends and family can only stand to watch a film of your hamster chewing some string or your cat staring at a gate so many times before their thoughts begin to turn to murder. But if you had a Komodo dragon, built a small set, and filmed in a B-movie style, your pet-movies would be like Godzilla. And that would be beyond amazing. That would be so awesome that we’d need to invent a new word for it: Preferably one that will survive predictive text and is easy to type with the odd missing digit/hand, and while running down a hallway.

I have finished writing now, so go forth to your pet shops and purchase Komodo dragons.**

*The words nothing and if are entirely superfluous.

**7 Reasons (.org) is not legally responsible for anything. At all.

September 24, 2010
7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

1. Cleanliness. Cats are self-cleaning. They fastidiously preen themselves with their Velcro-textured tongues and consequently, unlike dogs, never require bathing. In fact, cats are much cleaner than children and therefore set a good example to them. They also bury their own excrement so you don’t have to worry about that either. If you’re really lucky, they’ll bury it in a neighbour’s garden. This is probably something you shouldn’t teach your children to do.

2. Ninja. Children are loud and noisy; cats are silent and alert. You can use the cat to demonstrate silence and awareness to your children. There is no better stealth training than attempting to sneak up on a cat. Your children will learn to tread carefully and to watch out for the cat’s ever-alert swivelling ears. Who knows, they may eventually become domestic-ninjas. Like me.

3. Exotic. You want a sensible, low-maintenance, low-risk animal, but your children don’t. Children never want sensible pets. They always want something terrifying and dangerous like a tarantula, a piranha or a crocodile. A cat is an ideal compromise. Cats come with a free snake. It’s at the back.

4. Porn-Star-Name. The name of your first pet is the first part of your porn-star-name so your choice of a first pet for your children is important. Tortoises are called things like George and Simon; dogs are called things like Pip and Rover; cats, on the other hand, have cool names like Horatio or Socks. If you need to know how important the right pet is in determining your childrens’ future porn-star-name you should ask my wife, Fred Townsend. Or you could ask my friend whose first pet was a cat, Lucifer Jordan.

5. Independence. Cats come and go as they please through a little hole in the door. They go out to stare at the garden gate and sit under cars for reasons that we don’t understand. The important thing though, is that they do it unaided. Unlike dogs, there’s no endless walking and throwing sticks to distract your children from their homework. Besides, they’ll eventually tire of walking a dog and you’ll end up doing it yourself.

6. Biscuits. Cats don’t have biscuits and chocolate drops, unlike dogs. This means that your children will have less opportunity to play pet food related practical jokes on you or unsuspecting house-guests. They will still substitute salt for sugar and gravy granules for instant coffee, but being served dog biscuits with your cup of tea is one less thing you’ll have to worry about if you get a cat. This is what eating a dog biscuit did to Jennifer Aniston’s face. Poor, poor Jennifer.

7. Respect. Cats are cute and cuddly, soft and furry, content and purry – until angered. When you anger a cat it turns from a docile, supine teddy bear of an animal into a hissing, spitting, furious mass of teeth and claws. Nothing teaches children to respect others like being bitten on the hand or losing an eye. If they survive cat-ownership, they will be equipped for life.

January 11, 2010
7 Reasons Buying A Christmas Card Is Infuriating

1. Design. What is wrong with a picture of a robin or a Christmas tree or a snow covered church? It may be the traditional values I hold dear, but I don’t want to buy a card that has a picture of Santa with his pants around his ankles and a mince pie stuck up his backside.

2. Mother & Dad. I’m sorry, do the card manufacturers have a character limit that prevents them from using the correct format or something? It is not ‘Mother & Dad’ is it? It’s ‘Mother & Father’ or ‘Mum & Dad’. I didn’t look inside the cards in question for fear of being compelled to rip them up, but I strongly expect that also use the phrase ‘Yours Faithfully’.

3. Messages. They are always so bloody cliched and impersonal. ‘To my wonderful parents. You are the greatest around. I will love you until the end of time.’ Yes, they are your parents. Of course you will. Why can’t it just say ‘Wishing You A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year’ and then leave enough room for me to write whatever I want to write?

4. Record Your Own Message. Yes, you can record your own Christmas message for your parents. If I wanted my parents to hear me wishing them ‘A Merry Christmas’ I would phone them up. Or given that I will be in the same house as them this year, I might actually do it face to face. I don’t need a Christmas card to do it for me. I am not an idiot. Fact.

5. Pets. I have never had a pet so maybe I am not on the same emotional level as those that have, but I have never understood the whole pets and cards thing. Whether it’s the ‘To The Dog’ or ‘From The Gerbil’ kind, they are both, as far as I am concerned, wrong. Your dog can not read and your gerbil sure as hell can’t write. All they want is a squeaky ball or a new bit of cardboard. But obviously I am very much out of touch as Clintons have a bigger section for ‘Pets’ than they do for ‘Wife’.

6. Merry Christmas from Jonathan and Homer Simpson. Why? Why, why, why? Why the hell would I want to give someone a Christmas card that is from myself and a cartoon character? No one I know even likes the bloody Simpsons.

7. Brothers. Why is it you can no longer buy a ‘Merry Christmas Brother’ card? It’s always ‘Bro’ or ‘Bruv’ or ‘Brother and Wife’ or ‘Brother and Girlfriend’ and new for this year ‘Brother and Boyfriend’. My brother is not gay. He has not got a wife. I am not sending him a text in which I may shorten to Bro. And he is not in some downtown hood where everyone goes around punching fists and calling each other ‘Bruv’. He is just my brother. I want a card that says that. Is that too much to ask?

December 22, 2009