Tag: People

7 Reasons The BBC Should Find Better Interviewees

You may have read yesterday that Cadbury’s Dairy Milk has been downsized. I didn’t, I read it today thanks to a retweet by regular 7 Reasons guest writer Rachel. If you want to read it, it’s here. I advise you stay here though as I have important words to share. Basically, instead of 140g of chocolate, Cadbury’s Dairy Milk is now just 120g. That’s two squares of Dairy Milk gone. At first I was furious. But as I scrolled down the page I became bemused. The BBC had decided to get the views of the Great British public. And between you and me they didn’t do a very good job. Here’s why:

1. Stereotyping. Imogen looks like a nice girl, but deep down she has been influenced by stereotypical viewpoints uttered all around us. I quote, “Cadbury has been taken over by an American company. You would have thought it would have got larger.” Why Imogen? Because all American people are supposedly fat? Disgraceful.

2. Gibberish. Again, Michael looks like a nice guy. Apart from his earring. That’s silly. But it’s not what he looks like that really bothers me. It’s what he says. I quote, “…i guess if you are into being aware about what’s happening…”. Yeah bro, I’m into being aware. In fact all my bruvs and sistas are. It’s well wicked. Boi-akka-sha. Dear me. It’s not a bloody hobby. You don’t wake up one day and think, ‘You know what, I’m going to get into being aware’. Being aware is a natural state. You either are aware or you are not.

3. Knowledge. If I was to ask you to interview someone for an article I was writing about film piracy, I would hope you would find someone who had an interest in films. Likewise, in this situation, I would have expected an establishment such as the BBC to find interviewees who like chocolate. On the most part they have. But Christian clearly doesn’t. How can he not have a favourite chocolate bar? That’s madness.

4. Observation. Florence looks happy, but she is probably one Caramel short of a box of Celebrations. I quote, “I think they are selling a lot bigger bars now.” Yes love, that’s because you are looking at the King-Size section.

5. Logic. It doesn’t get better for Florence, bless her, “I always feel like the packeted chocolate, I open it up and there’s less than half in the bag.” That’s because you’ve eaten most of it in the queue for the till. And anyway, the only way there can be less than half in the bag is if you’ve eaten more than half. If it’s the first time you open the bag, how can there be less than half in there? How ever much is in the bag – no matter how big or small – it is still 100% of the contents.

6. Memory. Last thing Florence, you say, “I feel like I’ve been robbed. It’s so disappointing.” Judging by that it means it has happened more than once. If you feel like you’ve been robbed and your disappointed in the product, why on earth would you keep buying it? Stop it. Now. You’ll feel much better. That is the 7 Reasons promise.

7. Plonkership. “We can understand why the prices have had to go up like that, but we’d rather it had gone up in price and we got more chocolate, then it would be the same money for less chocolate.” How does that work then? You put the price up yet the price stays the same. You get more chocolate at the same time as getting less chocolate. Genius boys. If you could get in touch and write a guest post explaining why the egg came before the chicken that would be awesome.

February 3, 2011
7 Reasons Reccurring Dreams Are Annoying

I had a dream last night. And the other week. And last month. And the month before that. It’s getting boring now. Annoying even.

1. Repetition. As one may have established a reccurring dream is one that happens time after time after time. I suffer with one. It’s about me, back at school or university, with an impending deadline. The problem is, I haven’t even started doing my work. The scenario usually means I have twenty-four hours to write a dissertation. As dreams go, it is rubbish. I’d be annoyed if it happened once in a year, but to have it once every couple of weeks is just plain tiresome.

2. Panic. Despite the fact that it is a dream, I can’t help but get in panic. Though it’s an odd panic. In my dream I am not panicking. Which annoys me for starters, but it’s not half as annoying as the panic I feel in the sleeping me. As if I am watching my dream from above yet I am unable to control any of my actions. I want myself to panic, in much the same way as I want England to play good football. The more I want it though, the more I seem to laugh about the situation. In much the same way as the more I want England to play good football, the more Emile Heskey touches the ball.

3. Logic. Or should that be the lack of it. In last nights dream I appeared to be less interested in getting to the library to do my work and instead was solely focused on returning the ‘Automatic Putting Device’ to its home in the shed. No, I have no idea what an ‘Automatic Putting Device’ is either. Nor why it lives in a shed. In real-life I would like to think I would question such a thing, but in my dream state it was as natural to me as scratching my armpit.

4. Meaning. What does a reccurring dream about not doing your coursework mean? It’s not as if when I was at school or university I didn’t do my work and get it in on time. Well, not often anyway. So it’s not as if I am re-living my younger days and it’s not a metaphor for my attitude today. If I don’t have any work I can hardly hand it in late can I? It’s baffling.

5. People. None of my friends or family ever appear in my reccurring dreams, which seems somewhat ironic seeing as they are the reccurring characters in my life. Instead, I end up being friends with someone from school or university who I have never been friends with in my life. That’s not to say I disliked them, we just didn’t hang around together. In my dream though, we seem to do nothing but hang around together. Hang around together not doing our coursework and taking Automatic Putting Devices to sheds. Hardly the stuff of legend.

6. Realisation. That moment when I wake up and realise it was all a dream. Again. I curse myself for being unable to dream about something more interesting. Cricket or tea or an opossum. And then I curse myself for not realising during the dream that I was dreaming. Why can’t I just recognise that I have been here before? Why can’t I wake myself up, turn over and think about Dame Edna Everage talking to her opossums? Why? Why can’t I?

7. Resentment. They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Sometimes, this is ridiculously wide of the mark, but when it comes to me and my dreams, it is as true as the existence of you and me. If there is ever a conversation about dreams, I try and avoid it. I don’t want to listen to their tales of heroism and joviality. I get jealous. Why them? Why not me? Even more frustrating is when I am asked if I had a dream. I can only describe the feeling as one of loneliness and inadequacy. And it keeps me annoyed for the rest of the day.

January 14, 2011
7 Reasons To Join A Cult

The story of how 7 Reasons formed is not your traditional one. We won’t go into great detail other than to say we met because we were both in a cult. But don’t worry, this cult didn’t involve righteous killing or licking frozen chickens. Anything but. This cult was a friendly one. A cult where American architects sent dragons to newsreaders and people across the land turned the ferret gold. I am sure you are now seeing the light, but if you are still slightly unsure here are seven more reasons to join that cult.

Richard Bacon Was A Cultish Leader

1. New People. A cult is different from exclusive clubs such as The Masons because it is open to all. As a result you will meet a rich and diverse group of individuals from all walks of life. Plumbers, writers, lawyers, singers, doctors, engineers, buskers, perverts. You’ll meet the lot. And because you leave all your prejudices at the door when you enter the cult, you’ll form a bond with each and everyone of them. The most hardened Tory will find joy in conversing with the most radical Socialist. Millwall supporters will appear fluffy and cute. Formerly disgraced Blue Peter presenters will be forgiven. And that sort of thing only ever happens in a cult.

2. Opportunity. Unlike your place of work, there is no hierarchy in a cult. Or, if there is, you can very easily destroy it. You can be anyone you want to be in a cult. You can be a wallflower if you wish, or you can be a leader of men. And women. No one minds. If you are the type of man who has access to both foil and a cat (Marc) you may wish to see if one will walk over the other. But what if you don’t? What if you don’t have foil? Or a cat? What if you are a person in one of those moods and fancies taking the mick out of your leader (Jon)? Well you can do that too. And whats-more, whichever route you choose, whatever you decide to do, you will be celebrated. You will be held in high esteem. You may well start a website.

3. Reward. When you have gone out of your way to entertain those amongst your cult, it is nice to be rewarded. And nothing rewards quite like a cult. Apart from the adulation and admiration from those around you, you may also receive a badge. Or a small motorbike. But it’s usually a badge. And when I say a badge, I don’t just mean a badge, well, obviously I do, because it is a badge, but it’s also more than that. It’s more than a badge. It’s what the badge stands for. It doesn’t just say, ‘Hey, I’m in a cult’, it says, ‘Hey, I’m part of a cult’. And that’s, you know, pretty damn special.

4. Help. Whether you are at school trying to write your Personal Statement or in lying in bed ill, the cult is there to help you. Admittedly, you might not get it right all the time. All your advice may just confuse the lad and mean he misses out on that place at Cambridge University, but no one can accuse you of not trying. For all your failures, you will have hundreds of successes. Like I said earlier, the cult we were in helped turn the ferret gold. But while that was great, it is more the fact that people were there to help turn the ferret gold than the actual turning. And it was the ferret himself who first shared these sentiments. He was right.

5. Meaning. It is very easy to wander along in life, working nine to five and waiting for the weekend. There is nothing wrong with that, but joining a cult will give your life purpose. It’ll mean something to you and, more importantly, you’ll mean something to the cult. It’ll give you direction and hope and love. And let’s face it, there is very little direction, hope and love out there at the moment. Your work isn’t going to give it to you, so why not give the cult a chance?

6. Outside. When you join a cult, you join in trepidation. This is only natural. A cult, after all, has a reputation for being dark and evil and thus it is perfectly understandable if you are initially nervous. No one enters thinking they may leave with a new life. But many do. Many leave with new friends. Some leave with new girlfriends or boyfriends or both. Others leave with ideas. The rest just go to sleep. No one thought this would happen when they joined. No one expected their life to change. But it can. It does. Sure, not all friendships and relationships last, that’s life, but for a moment in time they were very real. And it was the cult that gave you that happiness. Without it, it would never have happened. Obviously, some relationships do last. Like 7 Reasons. A monster that will never be slayed.

7. Death. Eventually, sometimes for reasons outside of your control, your cult will die. You will attend the funeral (or listen to it on the radio) and be filled with deep sadness. But when you come to reflect, you realise the cult hasn’t really died. You just can’t listen to it on BBC Radio 5 Live anymore. It still lives though. In your heart. And on YouTube. You still have the memories of your leader being portrayed as Hitler. You can still listen to the music of the cult’s house band and indeed of the one you may well call T He Digger. You still have the vision of chair legs being broken by that woman who stood on a plinth for a couple of weeks. You still remember that moment when you were denied from asking Chris Evans whether his gingerness had been a help or hindrance. And these thoughts will stay with you forever. No one can take them away from you. And you’ll always be thankful that you could never get to sleep before 00:30.

So, if there is one thing you should spread this Christmas season, it is the joy of the cult.

Thankyou. Jonathan Lee, in the lounge, with his badge.

December 22, 2010
7 Reasons Ironing Is Dangerous

1. Ironing Board Covers. Goodness knows why man can’t invent a cover that actually fits the ironing board properly. I don’t know, maybe it is just one of those impossible challenges. Like building a pyramid upside down. Anyway, an ironing board cover that decides to flap around and generally not stay where it is meant to, really annoys me. So much so that I might kick out. Unfortunately, the same git who decided not to design the cover properly, also left sharp bits of metal on the underside of the board.

2. Calluses. In the same way that one might gain calluses on their finger tips as they play the guitar, I am developing them where the fingers meet the palm of the hand. Not dangerous in itself, but a sign that I am developing a reputation for being someone who likes ironing. And that is a very dangerous reputation to live with.

3. RSI. No not Repetitive Strain Injury, but Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board. How the bloody hell am I supposed to remove all the creases from the duvet cover if I can only iron 12% of its surface area at anyone time? The rest just creases itself on the floor. So I have to do it again. And again. And again. Until I become an addict. And addictions are dangerous.

4. Trip Hazards. And while we are talking about my duvet cover creasing itself on the floor, I must also point out that it’s also trip hazard. Or at least 88% of it is. Poxy thing. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is. I don’t need props.

5. RSI. No, not Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board – we’ve dealt with that already – but Repetitive Strain Injury. There are only so many movements you can make with an iron – assuming you are doing the job properly anyway. Right to left or left to right seem to be the only options. I would love to do top to bottom, but whoever invented bras made it impossible.

6. Sharks. You may be thinking, ‘How they hell do sharks make ironing dangerous?’ Trust me, if you are doing your ironing on a surfboard the last thing you need to worry about is whether your girlfriend is going to notice that iron shaped burn.

7. People. They generally don’t like it when you iron their clothes. Especially if: (a) they are complete strangers and (b) they are wearing them at the time. Usually this will result in either: (a) a punch, (b) an arrest warrant or (c) both.

July 20, 2010
7 Reasons That Monkeys Are More Advanced Than Humans

The Ascent Of Monkey

1. Discernment. Now I know that I’m generalising here about monkeys. I know that there are many different types of monkey and that they’re all very different to each other. But if you put a barbary ape and a baboon in front of me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you which one was which. And I’d be very scared. The baboon would know that it isn’t a barbary ape though, and the barbary ape would know that it isn’t a baboon. Thus, they are both more advanced than I am. And less frightened too.

2. Feet. Monkeys – some of them – have amazing feet, which they use every bit as adroitly and dextrously as they use their hands. Humans, however, do not. Human feet are almost unmalleable blocks of flesh and bone that are useful only for standing on and for kicking things. We can just about pick up a pen with our toes, but that’s it. Monkeys can hang upside-down from trees using theirs. I can’t. I fell on my head when I tried.

Show off!

3. Adaptation. The most advanced of animals evolve over time to adapt to their environs. Monkeys have developed all-over body hair that protects their delicate skin from the effects of the sun and also keeps out the cold. Humans, however, are less advanced and have to rely on finding or manufacturing artificial coverings to protect themselves with. There is evidence of some evolution – humans do have a small amount of body hair – but the stupid creatures usually remove it, mostly with primitive and dangerous tools that often cause them injury. Pillocks.

4. Social Position. The higher echelons of our society – Viscounts, Lords etc – live on vast country estates which we, the hoi polloi, finance by turning up in our cars and in coach parties to drive around their grounds and observe them in their natural habitat. Monkeys, similarly to the landowning gentry, also live on vast country estates that we finance by turning up in our cars and coaches to observe them up-close. Thus, monkeys have attained a higher social standing than most of the UK’s population. They’re also above the law, seemingly able to vandalise our cars with impunity.

5. Environmental Impact. Humans are still trying to decide whether global warming is man-made or naturally-occurring. The one thing that nobody’s proposing though, is that it is the fault of monkeys, who seem to live in an environmentally sustainable manner. Monkeys are also not responsible for other environmental catastrophes, such as the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, the Italian dioxin crisis, or the construction of Scarborough.

6. Geography. Like humans, monkeys work too. Their labour is primarily concerned with food and shelter. You don’t see troops of commuting monkeys though; they are clever enough to realise that life is a lot easier if you live where you work. People, on the other hand, often travel hundreds of miles to get to their place of work. They all do it at the same time and then spend their free-time complaining about it, often to me. They’re idiots.

7. Other Matters. Monkeys are not responsible for the McFlurry, mobile phones that play music through speakers, Jedward, Hitler, golf, tinsel, dancing, the A bomb, jigsaw puzzles, soap operas, the defection of Adrian Chiles to ITV or the Trojan virus that affected our website last Friday (sorry if you were inconvenienced by that); people are. Monkeys are clearly more advanced than us.

May 17, 2010
7 Reasons To Walk Backwards

1. Improved Awareness Of The Spacial Kind. When you are walking forwards, you generally don’t think about what is behind you. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are only thinking about what’s in front of you. And maybe that dog to your left. Walk backwards though and not only are you aware of what is in front of you – which is actually behind you – but you are also thinking about what is behind you. Which is actually in front of you.

2. Improved Moves On The Floor Of Dance. The only reason people don’t like dancing is because they are too self-conscious. And they are self-conscious because they are rubbish. So rubbish that they make Rick Astley look like Wayne Sleep. I am one of these people. I do make Astley look like Sleep. Sorry about that. However, I have always thought that – if push came to shove – I’d be able to do that walking backwards move Michael Jackson did. Or the moonwalk as he labelled it. Turns out I can’t. With lots of walking backwards I can only improve though.

3. Improved Chances Of Burning That Fat. Let’s be honest, if you can’t see where you are going you are more likely to walk off in the wrong direction. More walking = less fat.

4. Improved Chances Of Getting To Your Destination Without Moaning. The problem with walking forwards is that you can see your destination. This is usually bloody miles away. Even if it’s the local pub. You can never get there quick enough. It saps all motivation and you are in a bad mood for the rest of the walk. Spin on your heels and walk backwards though and suddenly there is no reason to get in a bad mood. Instead you can concentrate on the local plant life. Or chavs as they are more commonly known.

5. Improved Chances Of Rekindling Your Youth By Playing Bumper Cars* Again. If you walk backwards you will be able to see those who want to try and overtake you. Folding your arms and jinking from side-to-side on the pavement may just convince your nemesis to do the same. Suddenly you are embroiled in the best game of Bumper Cars ever. Even better than when you drove so hard into Ben Watford that he flew backwards and fell over the wall.**

6. Improved Facial Expression Comprehension. I like holding hands (probably because the BBC told me I’m a male lesbian). Generally this is the hand of someone else as opposed to my own. To be precise it’s the hand of the real genius behind most of my posts. (No, not Marc’s). The real genius occasionally lends her hand to me if I’ve been good. The problem is that holding someone else’s hand involves walking side-by-side. This is not the most practical position in which to hold a conversation. Unless you both turn to face each other you can’t see their expressions or indeed where they are looking. As a result she can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic and he can’t tell if she’s talking to him or that horse again. If he walks backwards then they can look at each other. And live happily ever after. Or until she pushes him into the road. Whichever comes first really.

7. Improved Chances Of Reducing Carbon Monoxide. Walking over a zebra crossing backwards – and then spinning on your heels halfway before heading back in the same direction – has to be the quickest way to cause road rage. And thus the removal of licenses.**

*I’m not actually sure how well known Bumper Cars is. Basically, all you do is run around the playground with your arms folded and…erm…bump into people. I don’t do this anymore. I have been banned from the playground.

**That may have just been me. And he was a bully. So it’s okay.

*** Don’t try this at home. (It won’t work. Try the road).

April 29, 2010
7 Reasons Tesco Is Dangerous

1. Trolleys. For the first time in 7 Reasons history, we have a three pronged reason. (Yes, that is the official name). One: Wobbly wheels – An absolute nightmare to control. One minute you are heading for Lady Grey tea bags the next you find yourself in frozen sausages. Two: Trolley rage – Why does everyone else push their trolley so slowly? And why do they always alter direction just as you are trying to squeeze past them? And why do they always leave their trolley right in front of the ginger nuts? You just want to slam someone through the cheese counter. Three: Not your trolley – You leave your trolley for a second to grab a box of Bran Flakes, then when you come back you put them in someone else’s trolley and walk off with it. And their baby.

2. Petrol. Petrol stations are dangerous at the best of times, but they are a just an accident waiting to happen when owned by Tesco. It is so easy to douse yourself in said liquid while imagining getting home and opening the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies you have just bought.

3. Hunger. Go to Tesco when you are hungry and before you know it you will end up with food you don’t need, a poor credit rating and dozens upon dozens of gym membership offers.

4. Acquaintances. Why is it you can’t go to Tesco without seeing someone you know? And why is it always someone you really don’t want to talk to? Or let look in your trolley? You have no choice but to creep around the store hiding behind boxes of Shreddies and buying enormous French loaves to cover your face.

5. Tills. You go to the same Tesco every week. You always see the same cashiers. You have absolutely no intention of talking to them when you are in the queue, but as soon as you are packing your bags you are talking to them as if you spent the previous night on the phone to each other. Why?

6. Stalkers. Tesco is a popular training ground for stalkers. They position themselves in the flower section, behind the lilies. Any victim who smiles at the lilies will automatically be smiling at the stalker. This is all the encouragement they need. Suddenly the stalker is off. Following their victim from fruit & veg to tinned tomatoes to their car. If you shop at Tesco make sure your list includes pepper spray.

7. Shelves. Because visual merchandising is more important to Tesco than health and safety, products are stacked in creative ways. Creativity has a habit of falling down and cracking you on the top of the head. So do tins of baked beans.

*It would be unfair of me to take full credit for this piece as someone else thought of 5 ½ reasons. But I will. I had to write it after all.

February 25, 2010