Tag: Marc Fearns

7 Reasons Sir Elton Might Like To Take A Look At His Own Songs

Hello, I’m back. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, that is not enough to make your Tuesday. As a result I shall also furnish your day with a 7 Reasons post. You may have heard that Sir Elton John has been having a pop at the songwriters of today. According to the BBC, he thinks they’re awful. ‘Fair enough’, I thought, ‘but let’s just have a listen to some of Elton’s stuff to find out how much better he was’. The results are staggering. Here are 7 Reasons Elton should probably listen to his Greatest Hits again.*

1. Song – Your Song. Lyric – “I don’t have much money but boy if I did, I’d buy a big house where we both could live.” It’s hardly the stuff of Chaucer, Hardy or Dickens is it?

2. Song – Crocodile Rock. Lyric – “But the biggest kick I ever got, was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock, while the other kids were rocking round the clock, we were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock.” I know this song is self-referential, but even so, it’s still a load of nonsense. I wouldn’t have thought the hallmark of a great songwriter was to make up some stupid dance name. I suspect Elton would laugh in Marc’s face if Mr Fearns approached him with the 7 Reasons Shuffle. Especially if he was wearing my mask.

3. Song – Daniel. Lyric – “Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane, I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain.” How convenient Daniel was going to Spain. Mind you, I suppose if he had been going to Derry he could have caught the ferry. Just a shame they don’t do a tram to Iran really.

4. Song – Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting. Lyric – “It’s getting late have you seen my mates, Ma tell me when the boys get here, it’s seven o’clock and I want to rock, want to get a belly full of beer.” Hardly the sort of message one wants to be sending out. Elton John and Grand Theft Auto have a lot to answer for.

5. Song – Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. Lyric – All of them. This song is a cliche. From start to finish. In that respect, the songwriting is awful. It also doesn’t address the solution to the sun going down, which, in most parts of the world, is to switch on the light. Or light a candle. Actually, I’m glad Elton never lit a candle, he’d have probably written a song about it.

6. Song – Honky Cat. Lyric – “When I look back, boy I must have been green, bopping in the country, fishing in a stream.” I’m not a cynic, but I find it very hard to believe that anyone who is green and bops in the country also goes down to fish in the stream. I think it has more to do with the fact that it rhymes. Personally, for all the sense this song makes, I would have preferred it to have been, ‘When I look back, yowzer I must have been blond, chugging in the hamlet, pissing in a pond’. But I guess the tempo is not quite the same with that is it?

7. Song – Rocket Man. Lyric – “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.” No, neither is Preston. Talk about stating the bloody obvious. And whose idea was it to write a song about a fictional astronaut going on a fictional journey to Mars anyway?

*Edit: In response to all of you who told me Bernie Taupin wrote the lyrics and not Elton, yes, I do know this. Elton still saw the lyrics fit enough to sing though. As a result, this post passes muster.

October 19, 2010
7 Reasons To Answer The Phone By Saying ‘Goodbye’

There are moments in life, when you wish you had not picked up your phone. And then there are moments when you don’t answer your phone and you wish you had. Thanks to 7 Reasons, that dilemma is now over. Here are 7 Reasons to say ‘Goodbye’ as soon as you pick up that phone.

1. Cold-Callers. Double-glazing, health insurance, wills, bouncy castles, grandmothers. People will try and sell you anything these days. And, no matter how much you try saying it, ‘no’ just doesn’t seem to work. Get in a ‘goodbye’ straight away and while they are baffled by your audacity, hang up.

2. Barclays. I am using Barclays as an example as I have had first-hand experience of their call centres. I am sure, however, you could substitute the company for any other business that has it’s call centre in a foreign clime. Barclays had the foresight to base its call centre in the subcontinent. Which would have been absolutely fine if it had then employed people who could speak English adequately. Unfortunately, they failed in this pursuit. If indeed it ever was a pursuit. I’m sorry, but I simply can not understand what the hell they are talking about half the time. Actually, make that ninety percent of the time. And that is not an environment conducive to conversation. It’s like a Liverpudlian meeting a Geordie in Birmingham. Painful. Given that I am not going to understand them and they are not going to understand me, it’s worth halting the proceedings before they’ve even started.

3. Sanity. Some people – normal people – have a habit of talking to themselves. They can’t help it, it’s just natural. No amount of determination, threat or hypnosis can stop them. Which is where we come in. If you suffer from this narcissistic problem, call yourself. As soon as you answer, say ‘goodbye’. It will be the closure you have been searching for.

4. Tossers. These are the people that just love to have the last word. So, if you get the last word in first, you’ve won.*

5. Reverse. Given that the most important details are spoken about at the beginning of most phone conversations – and they are then forgotten once you have discussed sport/shoes, sport/the next door neighbours and sport/Eastenders – it is surely worth reversing the whole event. Start by saying ‘goodbye’, then talk about sport/rubbish, then the important item and then finish with a cheery ‘Hello’ or another form of salutation.

6. It’s Over. Splitting up with your partner is never a particularly joyous occasion. Even if it means moving on to better things. Finding the right words and a suitable environment to break-up in, is not a straight-forward affair. Sure, the advent of facebook and the relationship status option has made things easier if you are shallow, but what if you’re not? What if you are someone who agonizes over such a situation? Well, the next time they call, it’s time to say ‘goodbye’. And when they phone back, say it again. Repeat until they get the message. (You could also text them).

7. Bargains. Who knows how the person who has just called you will react when you say ‘goodbye’, but if they misunderstand what you are saying they may rattle off a load of ‘good buys’. As a result, you may end up investing in a BMW, a George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine or a slice of carrot cake. And no one can really complain about that, can they?

*Sometimes I astonish myself with my own genius.

October 14, 2010
7 ‘Other’ Reasons It Would Have Been A Really Bad Day

Hello. I am still in Italy. No doubt frustrating my girlfriend with my inability to show enthusiasm for Spanish steps, fountains, statues, fine food and foreign culture in general. In fact, at this moment, I am no doubt scouting for an English bar to watch the Commonwealth Games.* So while I continue to destroy both Claire-Jon and Anglo-Italian relations, I leave you with a piece I wrote last week. About Polar Bears.

Last week, you may have heard about the explorer who survived being eaten by a polar bear. If you didn’t, you can read about it here. It’s not so much the fact that he survived that surprised me, more the reaction of his friend. Recounting the moment he shot the polar bear dead to save his exploration partner, Ludvig Fjeld said, “I was about 20 or 25 metres from the bear and it had Sebastian in its mouth, I was very worried. I did not want to hit Sebastian as well. That would have been a really bad day for him.”. Yes, imagine that! Being eaten by a polar bear and then being shot. That’s a bad day isn’t it? But then, it could have been worse.

1. Another Polar Bear. So, having been eaten once, saved, then shot, now another polar bear rocks up to see what all the commotion is about. Seeing his polar bear brother lying dead on the ground would have been enough to make him a bit cross. And as Ludvig used all the ammo, nothing is going to stop the polar bear finishing off what his brother started. That’s a bad day. Full of despair, and hope and despair again. A bit like a political party conference.

2. Bills. An expensive bill is enough to deflate anyone. They generally arrive when you least want them, and I would suggest the same day as you’ve been eaten by a polar bear and then shot by your mate, would be very fitting.

3. Tent Theft. Now, don’t get me wrong here, I am not for one minute suggesting the indigenous population has a tent theft habit, I am merely suggesting how the day could have got worse. And, in my desire to find another five reasons, I am going to point towards someone coming along – while the two explorers are out getting eaten and shot at – and nicking the tent. And everything it in.

4. Snap! You’ve been eaten and shot, but you’ve survived. Time to get back to the tent (which for the purpose of this reason hasn’t been nicked). When you get there though, you trip over a guy rope. And break an ankle. Brilliant.

5. Crack! No, that’s not Harrison Ford turning up with his whip – that would quite frankly be ridiculous – instead it’s the sound of the ice breaking beneath the explorers. Eaten by a polar bear, shot by your mate and now adrift in the Arctic Sea on your very own iceberg.

6. No Tea. Okay, so to run out of tea bags would be horrendous planning, but it’s the kind of thing that would just make you realise it’s not your day. And don’t tell me these Scandanavian boys don’t like tea, because I simply won’t believe you.

7. Hot Air. Foot isn’t the only way of exploring, as any Hot Air Balloon explorer will tell you. “Foot isn’t the only way of exploring, I’m a Hot Air Balloon explorer.” See, I told you. Unfortunately, Hot Air Balloons have a habit of crashing. Even when they land properly they seem to crash. And where better to crash than on top of a man who has just been eaten alive and then shot by his pal.

*If anyone knows where such a bar is, please let me know. Seriously, do.

October 13, 2010
7 Reasons My Italian Self-Teaching May Get Me Into Trouble

Hello. I’m on a plane. At least I am if you are reading this at 9am on Monday morning. If you are reading it at 9pm on Monday evening then I bloody well hope I’m not on a plane and if you are reading it in June 2014, well, I couldn’t really care less. I’m assuming, as I write, that it is 9am on Monday morning and I am currently on a plane that is destined for Italy. Yes, I’m going on holiday. I thought you’d be pleased. Over the last week, I have done a little language based learning. And, in what is quite a coincidence, I have been learning Italian. Unfortunately, I am not the best when it comes to languages. Partly because I always sound a bit Indian when speaking with another tongue and partly because I just can’t be bothered with it. Which, I admit, is an abysmal attitude to have, but I will gladly take any applause you are prepared to give me for honesty. As a result of these two factors, the Italians might be in for something of a shock. Here’s why:

1. Accents. My Italian accent isn’t very good. Unless you like Italian accents that sound Indian. I imagine the Italians don’t.

2. What A Mistaka To Maka. I can’t help it. Without a teacher I revert to learning my Italian from Allo! Allo! clips on YouTube. I keep adding the letter ‘a’ onto anything I say. Oh, and I’m speaking English.

3. Roma! Lazio! The only words I can pronounce with any confidence are the names of football clubs or, indeed, names of footballers. I may get away with randomly shouting ‘Cannavaro!’ and ‘Del Piero!’ but I imagine I would not with ‘Totti!’. And, talking about football, Italy are playing Serbia tomorrow night. Along with many people in the 1990s, I watched Football Italia on Channel 4. And, along with many people, I always assumed the phrase uttered at the end of the opening credits – ‘Golaccio!’ – meant…

4. ‘Goal Lazio!!’. That’s what it sounded like after all. You can see it here if you need reminding/have no idea what I’m going on about. Now ‘Golaccio’ may seem like a sensible thing to say if Lazio’s Sergio Floccari finds the back of the net for his national side. But it wouldn’t be. For the simple reason that the word is actually ‘Golazo’. And it’s Spanish. And despite finding this out, I know it’s not going to make any bloody difference. I am still going to shout ‘Golazo!’ if Italy score. Or Spain. Or Serbia. Or England. Because that’s me. And no one would have me any other way.

5. French. The only language I have ever learnt – apart from English and Latin obviously – is French. And, despite years of trying to forget such nonsense, I still seem to remember a fair bit of it. And the reason I know this is because unwelcome words keeps slipping into my otherwise expertly recited Italian phrases, ‘Buon giorno. Parla inglese, s’il vous plaît?’. If someone started asking me a question in English and then slipped in something about frogs-legs, I’d be furious. I would expect the Italians to be similar.

6. Hands. Whether it’s a myth or not, Italian’s are famous for their hand gestures. So I’ve been practising mine too. So far, I have the ‘bang on desk’, the ‘I’ve got the whole world in my hands’ and the ‘bunny shadow’ gestures in my repetoire. And they make very little sense with my Italian/French/Indian speil.

7. Pizza. I spent much of my time in the week before Rome, practising the pronunciation of pizza names using a Pizza Express menu. As a result I am unlikely to be able to eat anything other than pizza for the whole week. While this is not a problem in itself, the fact that I can only pronounce Margherita with any confidence, could be.

October 11, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Prefer Women Without Make-up

January seems a long time ago now, but if you can remember that far back, you may recall Emily Clifford writing one of the very first guest posts for us. It was about men and women and why they shouldn’t converse with each other. It proved ridiculously popular. Especially with women. So, back on the 7 Reasons sofa by popular demand, is Emily. And she’s writing about men and women again. If you like what you’re about to read you may be interested to know that Emily is a fashion journalist based in Sydney. She writes for a vast array of magazines and newspapers including Vanity Fair, Vogue, Glamour and Cosmopolitan. She also likes writing for us. Apparently. Right, less of me, more of Emily. Who, incidentally, you can follow on twitter.

Despite what you may have heard, a journalist’s job is never easy. Sadly for us literary types, it’s not just a case of writing an article and picking up the cheque. Unless you can call yourself ‘famous’ of course, which, let’s be honest most of us can’t. For the rest of us, magazines have to be targeted, editors need to be wooed and research has to be compiled before us writers can actually do what we want to do; write. Sometimes you do all the hardwork and present the final draft only for the editor to change their mind. It’s standard fare in this industry and you get used to it. Recently I wrote a piece on the male attitude towards women and their facial shield, make-up. Despite being pleased with it myself, the editor wasn’t and so the article was killed. When an article is killed you retain the copyright and so can sell it to others. Like 7 Reasons! Except they haven’t paid me and instead given me some false hope of one day receiving a badge. Yeah right! The article was ripped apart especially for 7 Reasons so the original catchy title The Foundation Of The Relationship has now been changed to 7 Reasons Men Prefer Women Without Make-up. Hope you enjoy it.

1. The Natural Look. Research for the article showed that a staggering 75% of men preferred women without make-up. I mean none at all. Not even a little eye shadow. I don’t know about you girls, but the thought of leaving the house looking like an old sock I’ve just found down the back of the sofa terrifies the life out of me. The problem is, men really wish it would terrify the mascara out of you. They just don’t like you covering yourself up. This comes down to the fact that men are far less likely to notice imperfections than women. Ever wondered how your man can put a DVD in the player and not even raise an eyebrow at the amount of dust adorning it? Firstly it’s because he’s a man and so doesn’t see it, but more importantly it’s because he is looking at the bigger picture. What’s the film going to be like? That’s the main attraction here. Not whether the player is covered in dust or not. Women on the other hand amplify it. By as much as ten-fold. They’d sit through the film worrying about whether you noticed all the dust and are now still interested in them. Does this guy think you’re untidy? It’s a strange comparison, but it’s how we think. You wear make-up to make your face look more beautiful, believe it or not, he won’t notice.

2. The Tick-Tock Effect . If you want to go out with me menfolk, you need to get something straight. If we are going out for the evening, I need at least an hour to get ready. And I’m not alone. The average length of time for a 30 year-old woman to get ready for an evening on the tiles is 73 minutes. That might not even seem that long to you. Unless you’re a man. In which case it sounds like an eternity. A typical 30 year-old man takes an average of just 25 minutes to get ready. And even then I think that is a high figure. I’ve known men to take 30 seconds. And, no, I’m not with them anymore. Of the 73 minutes a women takes to get ready, 22 are spent on the make-up. That’s 22 minutes he is pacing around the lounge, scratching, complaining and thinking about opening another beer.

3. The Question Time. Asking men questions about your appearance is a completely pointless exercise. And in many cases is actually divisive. Yet we all do it. I am forever asking my fiance if I look good. I don’t know why. I know his answer will be, ‘Yes, you look lovely’ or some equally unimaginative and predictable answer. I actually long for the day when he says, ‘Are you fucking serious? You look like you’ve just come back from the mad-hatters tea party!’ But he won’t, because he’s a man. And men are programmed to say what they think you want to hear. And the most frustrating thing for men is that they know you know that they are just saying it because it’s what they think it’s what you want to hear. That’s why they’d love it if you just forgot all about the make-up for night so he only has to answer the questions about your dress.

4. The Logic Lack. Men, to give them their dues, are quite logical. Us women though, are about as logical as a chocolate tea-pot. Men see chocolate tea-pots as things that would melt when boiled water applied to them, we see chocolate tea-pots as chocolate. When we ladies were younger we wore make-up to make us look older. Now we are wearing it to make us look younger. To us, that is logic. To men, that is illogical, ‘why try and be something you are not?’

5. The Shopping Trip. Wearing make-up means buying make-up. Buying make-up means shopping for make-up. Shopping for make-up means testing make-up. For a man who wouldn’t notice whether you had blusher on or not, this is a form of torture. No wonder 22% of all arguments between couples happen when they are shopping.

6. The Removal Effect. If a woman wears a lot of make-up, a lot of the time, the sight of her without can do strange things to a man. Sweating; screaming; running out of the house. The silly thing is, you probably don’t even look unattractive. Just very different. And change scares men. It’s why they won’t let you change your hair or get a breast enlargement or sleep with Johnny Depp.

7. The Affection Factor. Even the most ardent of feminists wouldn’t deny that they like a bit of affection from their man. I, and I wouldn’t describe myself using the aforementioned term, love a kiss on the forehead, cheek and, of course, lips and when I’m not getting any I complain to my man. He is very keen to remind me that this morning he kissed me goodbye and I complained that he could have smudged my make-up. And he’s right, I did. That’s why men prefer you without make-up, because they know where they stand.

October 9, 2010
7 Reasons This Magazine Has Ruined Everything

Somethings in life, you just don’t expect. One such thing was my rejection from the 2011 London Marathon. It’s me, Jon, by the way. Just in case you are my co-writer Marc, and are wondering when the hell you entered the ballot. It’s the fourth time I have entered the ballot and failed. That’s quite unlucky. And for someone who despises failure in all its forms, a horrendous turn of events. I was so sure I was going to get an accepted magazine this year. It was my turn. It was my year. But I didn’t. I got a poxy, ‘Commiserations, your ballot application to run the 2011 Virgin London Marathon has been unsuccessful but there’s still a chance to run…’ magazine. Poxiness. Complete poxiness. And it’s ruined everything.

1. Targets. I work best when I have targets. Something to aim for. A deadline. A tea-break. Dinner. Mainly though, it’s a deadline. When I have a deadline, I know what I have to do. Everything is in front of me. Everything is clear. I can plan, I can re-plan and most of all I get whatever needs to be done, done. The same goes for my running. If I have an event to prepare for, I prepare for it. I have the motivation of a medal – and one of those foil sheets that make me look like a spaceman – awaiting me on the horizon. Without that though, the only thing on the horizon is an old woman waiting for a bus, and between you and me, I can’t be bothered to run all the way over to her. So I don’t. I stay in. And eat a biscuit. And yawn. And scratch. And eat another biscuit. And life sucks. (Apart from the biscuits). So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined motivation.

2. Money. This ‘Commiserations’ magazine is going to cost me a bloody fortune. Which, considering it was free, seems both ironic and calculating. If I had got one of the better ‘Congratulations’ magazines, I would have gone on a health regime. No biscuits; no crisps; no beer; no fun. Quick calculations show that would have saved me at least £15 a week. Multiply that by the twenty-four weeks until the London Marathon actually occurs and we are looking at a minimum of £360. £360! I could have bought 28,800 tea-bags with that! Instead I bought biscuits, crisps and beer. Unbelievable. So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined my tea-based caffeine addiction.

3. Trainer Manufacturers. Nike; Adidas; Reebok; Asics; all other running footwear brands. One of them has lost a sale. Actually, probably two sales. If I had been successful in the tombola, I would certainly have invested in a new pair to carry me the 26.2 miles and a spare pair in case the others got dirty. As I’m not even going to be running 26.2 metres, I am not investing. Which means one the sports good manufacturers is not going to achieve as good a turnover as they may have done and as a result someone will no doubt get sacked. Hopefully a Frenchman. That at least will bring me some comfort. So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined child labour.*

4. April 17th 2011. This is the date of the London Marathon. A marathon I will not be watching. A marathon I will be avoiding. A marathon that will make me frustrated and tetchy for the whole day. In my frustrated and tetchy state, I will probably be looking for trouble. I will probably want to kick something. And that’s bad news for any living thing. Or, if I choose something more sturdy, my foot. Either way, I’d avoid me. So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined next door’s cat.

5. Alternatives. Last year, when I failed to attain ‘congratulatory’ status, I went looking for alternatives. Something else to fill the void that had been left in my life. I found it in the shape of a moustache. Or, more accurately, the shape of Movember. For a whole month, people’s eyes were abused by the sight of a ginger handlebar** adorning my face. And I didn’t enjoy it much either. Due to the London Marathon’s foresight, I may well have to do it again. So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined humanity.

6. The Amazon. Not only have the organisers of the 2011 London Marathon upset me, they have also upset a tree. Well, actually, they’ve gone further than just upset it. They’ve beaten it to a pulp. And it’s not just me they’ve let down. It’s 100,000 others too. And that’s a lot of tree. Now, somewhere, in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest, is a clearing they call, ‘Commiseration Place’. And, somewhere, up in the atmosphere, is much more carbon dioxide than there ever should have been. So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined the planet.

7. Peaks. My sexual peak was ten years ago – though, for many reasons, that seemed to pass me by. My cricket peak was eight years ago – though, for many reasons, that seemed to last little more than a couple of hours. My writing peak was last week – though, for many reasons, it didn’t equate to much when written down. My running peak is now. Right now. In the year that I am 27. But thanks to the London Marathon, I will not be able to utilise it. Instead I will have to wait until a year/two years/five years/ten years after my running peak to take part. And that’s a long time to rent a deep-sea divers’ suit for. So, to sum up, the London Marathon has ruined peaking.

*Thinking about it, this might be a good thing.

** Sounds more impressive than it was.

October 6, 2010
7 Reasons That Oranges are Rubbish

Oranges. They’re a really, really poor fruit. Here’s a film which explains why.

7 Reasons That Oranges are Rubbish

October 5, 2010
7 Reasons To Pretend You’ve Been Hypnotised

Now, I’m no expert on hypnosis. I have never been hypnotised. Or at least I don’t think I have. Like I say, I’m no expert so how would I know? But anyway, as I was saying, I have never knowingly been hypnotised. But I have always liked the idea of pretending to have been. Just to, you know, amuse myself. Oh, and because it’s a very useful skill to possess.

1. Chores. It’s a quite brilliant way of getting out of doing them. Touch the vacuum cleaner and pretend to be riding a horse; start the washing up and pretend to be a dolphin who loves soap suds; begin dusting the shelves and pretend you’re a rock climber. You’ll probably wreck the house in the process, but at least you won’t be asked to clean ever again.

2. Paying. At the sound of the word ‘money’, you’re an alien. Obviously. This would work brilliantly in Tesco; on the bus; if your partner mentioned she was going shopping. Expand your eyes, make fish lips and move your head in circular motions. The results will be staggering. The cashier will pay out of their own pocket just to get rid of you, the bus driver will run away and leave you to drive to a destination of your choice and your wife will charge out of the house in a huff. Leaving you to watch Sky Sports all day. Aces!

3. Answers. I’m a man. As a result, I don’t like being asked questions. Not because I don’t like the questioner or indeed the question, but, more often than not, because I don’t like my answer. It’s generally something unimaginative. Or incriminating. Or both. Until now, I hadn’t found a solution. So do check back next week for, 7 Reasons I Shouldn’t Have Answered Every Question By Pretending I Was A Dog.

4. MI5/MI6. I suspect this reason will only apply to a select few of our readers, but I’m sure everyone else will forgive us while we do our duty for Britain. So members of our secret services, just imagine, heaven forbid, that some henchman of an evil empire (including France) has captured you. They’re going to want answers. And you are probably not going to want to give them. If you do the world might explode. Or, even worse, you might get a slap. So what to do? Well, pretending you like a bit of S&M everytime the word ‘torture’ is mentioned should do the trick. Though what trick it is remains to be seen.

5. Charity Workers. I am sure they mean well, or at least one of them does, but they’re just very, very annoying. When I lived in Fulham, walking to the tube station was like negotiating the guantlet on Gladiators. It’s not so much that I didn’t want to adopt a leopard or a granny, it’s more that…okay, I just didn’t want to adopt a leopard or a granny. As a result I used to shout out, ‘Sorry!’ and charge on past. But what if you’re not like me? What if you are an unsuspecting individual and have a habit of walking slowly? You’ll be pounced on. I’m sorry, but you will. Time to pretend to by hypnotised. You could either go one of two ways here. As soon as you see the clipboard you could pretend to be a granny who loves riding leopards – this would scare and confuse in equal measure – or you could pretend that you repeat every question you’re asked. They’ll soon get bored and move out of Fulham altogether.*

6. Drink. An inevitable part of indulging in alcoholic beverages, is that one day you will drink a bit too much. Unless you’re my mum. But you’re not, so listen up. I would never condone it, but being drunk is good fun. Unless you realise you are drunk. As soon as you realise you are drunk you realise you are going to be ill the next day. And as soon as you realise you are going to be ill the next day, you stop enjoying yourself. This is when you need to pretend that you are not drunk, but, in fact, in a wonderful state of hypnosis. You’ll probably believe yourself because you’re drunk. The great news is – apart from maybe finding lampposts strangely attractive – there are no side-effects from hypnosis. This means not being ill the next day. Obviously you will be ill the next day. Even more ill than if you’d stopped enjoying yourself when you realised you were drunk. But at least you won’t have stopped enjoying yourself. And that has to count for something doesn’t it?

7. Party Trick. Parties can be awkward. Especially the kind where one git decides that you should all demonstrate a party trick. 99% of the population don’t have party tricks. Unfortunately, the 1% that do, all seem to be at the party. This is when you need to blag it. And you blag it by hypnotising yourself. Or pretending to. Swing your finger back in front of your eyes and chant something along the lines of, “You are falling into a deep sleep. When I click my fingers you will stand on your head everytime you hear the word ‘superfluous’.” Then you click your fingers. If you are lucky you will be at a party where no one can pronounce ‘superfluous’ and even if they can, you know how to stand on your head. If you don’t, well you’ll probably concuss yourself anyway. And that means sitting in the corner being looked after.

*When you’ve done this please let me know. I left a sock behind when I moved.

October 4, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Words Behind The Words Behind The Reasons 2.

Hello, it’s a Jon week. In terms of Russian Roulette Sunday anyway. In terms of general living, every week is a Jon week. If it wasn’t I’d be dead or something. And no one wants that. Especially Marc. All the reasons and all the lemons would drive him insane. So, anyway, back to today. If you were with us in January, you may remember we took a look at some of the words Marc and I have exchanged with each other in the making of 7 Reasons. Have a read here if you were washing your hair that day. Not only was it funny, it was very easy to write. Which is basically our ideal kind of post. So we’ve decided to do it again. Right here. Right now. Enjoy.

“I think it’s fairly obvious, I’m a spaceman.”

“I haven’t done the same, that would be lazy and unhelpful.”

“I am now hungover and not writing furiously about lemons.”

“I may have something sensible to say later.”

“I think camp bingo is like gay bingo. But in a field.”

“Ouch.”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”

“Canasta.”

“Well done on the lemons.”

“7 Reasons Guy Fawkes Should Have Been Called Lady Spoons?”

“I’d like to point out that a man in Russia found your socks and sandals piece yesterday.”

“If I take the name of York’s most famous son (his birthplace is a four minute walk from here) in vain, an angry mob will probably form outside my door.”

“I shall have an Alka-Seltzer and some lemon juice.”

“That’s £22.50 each per month that we’re not making now. That’s progress.”

“In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have put it straight in. That’s ovens for you though.”

“I’m back! Did you miss me?”

“Would you be totally insulted if I said I didn’t?”

“I was writing about dough balls. It does happen occasionally.”

“The only thing I liked about it was the end. A bit like when my parents used to listen to the Archers at dinner.”

“How about a cat hoverboard?”

“Oh, and Esquire magazine bought David Baddiel lunch today. Have they said anything about buying us lunch?”

“Excuse me a minute, I have a Jehovah Witness shaped problem.”

“I’m not sure it’s totally necessary, but it looks pretty. A bit like Kate Moss.”

“Let me know if you need a lemon.”

“Nice lemon on the sofa. Very funny.”

“Marc. Spiffing. Jon.”

“I have added my thoughts in curly lines that look like sperm.”

“I’ve never liked the French.”

“I tried to write a piece about beards once.”

“I’m like the world’s slowest genius.”

“We are like the tortoise and the tortoise.”

“Something went wrong. I think I shut it too tightly.”

“Photoshopping top trumps cards is more time consuming than I imagined.”

“I’m off to visit the shed.”

“I’m off to the greenhouse of neurosis.”

“I’ve tried shouting at it and that isn’t working.”

“A boy just fell off his bike. I’m laughing. Shall I go and pick him up?”

“That’s like liking Hitler more than Atilla The Hun and New Kids On The Block.”

“Ken, when in doubt, pretend to be a grown-up. It never fails.”

“I don’t have an issue with it. It’s probably the sadist in me. Or the beer.”

“I don’t think you’ve said Zara enough.”

“I hadn’t forgotten that you’re going to Rome, as in my mind it’s a tiramisu-related-event.”

“Bollocks.”

“Is it a cow?”

“It looked funny and I googled it.”

October 3, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit The Nurburgring Nordschleife

Welcome to the first guest post of October 2010. It’s amazing to think that the 7 Reasons sofa has been circumnavigating the world for nearly a year now. And it’s off abroad again today. Germany is the destination. Well, okay, it’s actually Wycombe. But Germany sounds better. Today’s guest post is written by Jonathan Pitt. A self-confessed pizza and motorsport addict, it will come as no surprise that Jon has written about motorsport. While eating pizza. Incidentally, it is Jon’s birthday today. So let’s all sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him. Ready, steady, go… Why am I the only one singing? Okay, you just want to read Jon’s post. Well here it is. Make sure you follow him on twitter too. He won’t bother you.

If you’re the casual armchair sports fan then you may well have heard of the Nurburgring. After all, its that track in Germany that alternates hosting the German Grand Prix with Hockenheim, right? Well, you are right, sort of. The Grand Prix at the Nurburgring takes place on the 3.2 mile imaginatively named Grand Prix track. However, watching Messers Alonso and Button drive around in fairly small circles belies the majesty of the Ring, for the Grand Prix Circuit has only existed in its current guise since 1984.

The track that you are being provided with seven wonderful reasons to visit is the Nurburgring Nordschleife (North Loop). The original track first opened its doors in 1927 and totalled 14.2 miles as it twisted and turned its way through the Eifel Mountains. (There was also a shorter Sudschleife circuit). Nurburgring Nordschleife hosted all but three of the German Grand Prix’s held between 1931 and 1976. By the early 1970’s it was considered to be too dangerous, with the fiery crash suffered by Austrian Niki Lauda in the final event appearing to confirm this.

Nowadays, the Nordschleife is still used for some racing activities, including the annual 24 hour race. However, the major international racing series now use the Grand Prix track which has replaced the Sudschleife. Despite the slight shortening of the track and the safety improvements made throughout the years, the Nordschleife retains its fearsome character and remains a stiff test for any driver. The owners of the Ring are nice enough to let anyone turn up and drive their car or bike around the circuit in their Touristenfahrten sessions. Ok, that’s enough history. Time for the seven reasons:

1. To Get A Sticker. You may have noticed one of the growing number of cars on British roads featuring the Nurburgring name and track outline. Ok, so you could buy one on eBay, but that would be cheating. Etiquette dictates that only cars that have been driven around the Nurburgring can sport the sticker, so what are you waiting for?

2. No Safety Briefing. Have you ever been karting in Blighty? It doesn’t seem to matter that the vehicle you will be driving is barely faster than a child’s tricycle – you still have to endure a safety briefing and wear fireproof overalls which soon make you feel as though you’ve spent rather too long in a sauna. Try turning up at a UK trackday sans helmet and you won’t be venturing out on track. At the Ring you simply pay your money and drive onto the track when you’re ready. As for helmets, perhaps it is a good idea to wear one when you’re driving at three times the speed that you would on a public road and are being overtaken by a constant stream of Porsches, but this is left entirely to your discretion.

3. To Find Out Whether You’re Really As Good As You Are On The PlayStation. Yes, I know your sort only too well. You’ve wasted your youth beating your friends at Sega Rally and you’ve convinced yourself that your wall riding in Gran Turismo makes you as good as any pro driver. Such games may be fun but to equate them to driving a real car on a real circuit is perhaps the equivalent of claiming that you’ve travelled Europe because you took a day trip to Calais. One important tip – don’t try wall riding on the Nurburgring unless you want a large bill for barrier repairs.

4. It’s Like No Other Track In The World. The combination of the elevation changes, off camber corners, blind crests and lack of run off make it unique in the racing world. At 12.9 miles, the Norsdschleife is also the longest purpose built race track in the world. Even if you’ve driven or raced on other tracks, then assuming you like cars and driving, you cannot fail to be excited at the very site of the Ring, despite its nickname ‘The Green Hell’.

5. To Watch The Crashes. One of the best features of the Nordschleife is that it’s possible to get right up to the edge of the circuit for most of the 12.9 miles. When I drove my first ever lap I was shocked at seeing spectators standing literally several rows deep. Clearly they aren’t there to watch ordinary people drive around in circles for hours. Perhaps some are there simply to marvel at the supercars that frequent the track? Maybe, but there can be little doubt that a large number want to see out of control cars and crashes. They don’t usually have to wait long either. Accidents and consequential track closures are common place. Fortunately, injuries and God forbid, deaths are less common than many think.

6. To Marvel At The Supercars. Want to see a Ferrari, Porsche or Lamborghini? Name a fast car and you’re likely to see it at the Ring before too long. Of course, when you’re putting in 12 minute Laps in your mum’s bog standard Renault Megane (don’t even ask!) then you spend too much time getting out of the way of these beauties to appreciate their presence. However, all is well when you reach the safety of the Nordschleife car park at the end of the lap. Cars are not designed to do lap after lap on the limit and even if the car can cope then the driver can’t. The result of this is a car park crammed full of supercars. The atmosphere is laid back and friendly and if you ask nicely then you may well be able to score a ride in the car of your dreams. A further advantage of the Nurburgring – there wasn’t a Vauxhall Nova anywhere to be seen.

7. Top Gear Did It. If Jeremy Clarkson and the BBC’s Top Gear team think that the Nurburgring Nordschleife is worth a visit then the chances are that it is! After years of presenting a motoring programme and creating ever crazier car related antics then perhaps we should trust Clarkson, Hammond and Captain Slow to educate us about anything that’s even remotely connected to the automobile.

So there you go, seven reasons to visit the Nurburgring Nordschleife. On a more serious note, it’s worth remembering that the Nurburgring can be dangerous. Accidents happen regularly and there is a strong probability that your normal car insurance will not cover you while driving on the Nurburgring. If you damage the barrier then you can expect a bill. If you cause crashes then the police will investigate and if your car dumps oil on the track then you could be looking at thousands of Euros for the cleanup bill and damage caused to other cars by any resulting crashes. If you prepare your car properly and drive carefully then the chances are that you become hopelessly addicted and end up going time and time again. For further information, check out Ben Lovejoy’s Nurburgring Nordschleife website, the Official Nurburgring website and Northloop.

October 2, 2010