7 Reasons

Tag: Humor

  • 7 Reasons To Act Like A Lion (Today)

    7 Reasons To Act Like A Lion (Today)

    I doubt it has escaped your notice, but if it has, let me be the first to tell you that it is now March. Well done us. We made it. And to celebrate I feel it would be appropriate to adhere to the idiom that states, ‘March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb’. Or at least the first part of it. I think we can all agree that it would be impractical to go out like a lamb before one has even attempted to come in like a lion. So today, and only today (and all subsequent March 1sts) I urge you to act like a lion. Here’s why:

    1.  Roaring. Everyone has times when they just want to roar in the face of someone. We have held back though because it is not correct etiquette. But what if you were acting like a lion? When a lion gets annoyed he roars or eats you. I have consulted the 7 Reasons lawyers and apparently we could find ourselves in trouble if we advocate – even humorously – Hannibal-style activity. Roaring is fine though. So this is your excuse. If there is someone out there who annoys you, walk up to them quietly and then roar in their face. It doesn’t even matter if you spray a little saliva. That is what lions do.

    2.  No Cooking Required. Lions eat raw meat. I need not explain this further.

    3.  Hair. No doubt someone will comment on this post in the many months to come and tell me that I haven’t done my research and in fact lions take great pride in their appearance. Until that eventuality occurs however, I will categorically state that lions are not in the least bit vein. They are quite happy to let their hair grow long and wild. So today, you don’t need to use that comb. Or that razor. Or that waxing strip. Just let it all hang out.

    4.  Sponsorship. If you don’t tell anyone the reason you are acting like a lion – and they haven’t read this post (a very strong possibility) – you could be in the money. If I see someone wandering around the office acting like a lion, I immediately assume they are doing it for charity. In theory this should probably be my second thought after, ‘what the bloody hell is that person doing in my lounge?’, but anyway, we’ll ignore that. So, if someone offers you 50p, don’t refuse and tell them about 7 Reasons, just take it. I reckon you could earn £20 just by roaring every half hour. Easy money.*

    5.  Economy. I know this is a regular theme in my posts, but it is a serious matter. We must find a way to stimulate the economy. Given that none of you assisted Marc and I in our bid to trick or treat our way out of the recession last year, I can only hope you will finally see sense and help us ‘lion’ our way out of the mess we currently find ourselves in. It’s a novel approach I admit, but desperate times call for innovative thinking. Hire a lion outfit for the day. It’ll only cost you £12 and more than likely keep you warm and snug for a full twenty-four hours. The fancy-dress market will receive a massive boost of £372,000,000 overnight which they can use to increase costume manufacture. Increased costume manufacture means more jobs. More jobs means more people with disposable income. More disposable income means more fancy dress outfit hires. It’s a beautiful circle. So let’s do this. Go to your local fancy-dress shop and hire that outfit. For the love of Britain, please.

    6.  Wales. Today is St. David’s Day in the Principality and what better way to celebrate than by acting like a lion, an animal that features on both the Royal Coat of Arms of England and Scotland? Exactly

    7.  In The Jungle Flash Mob. I’m not a fan of flash mobs especially when I get stuck in the middle of them in Trafalgar Square and end up singing along to Hey Jude, but I do feel a mass flash mob where we are all dressed as lions and perform In The Jungle could be particularly good for the soul. Something like this. Without the animated Hippo and Dog obviously. Or maybe with. TBC.

    Make sure you come back on March 31st to read, ’7 Reasons To Act Like A Lamb’.

    *Just a friendly reminder that our cut is 15%.

     

     

  • 7 Reasons That It’s Right To Allow The Use Of the Elbow In Football

    7 Reasons That It’s Right To Allow The Use Of the Elbow In Football

    Great news, psychopaths.  As of today, elbowing people in the head is now acceptable in football, thanks to referee Mark Clattenberg’s new and liberal interpretation of what constitutes acceptable behaviour on the field of play.  We’d like to applaud Clattenberg for his bold and innovative stance and suggest that allowing the use of the elbow to the head will improve the game greatly.  Here are seven reasons that it will.

    1.  There Will Be Less Emphasis Placed On Skill And Application.  Let’s look at Carlos Tevez (not too closely though, you may want to sleep again).  He’s an amazing, mesmeric player that simultaneously terrifies the opposing team’s defence, midfield, and young supporters in the stands.  Most teams find him almost unplayable and it seems almost impossible for opposing managers to concoct a tactic to negate his influence on the game.  With the new relaxation on the rules governing assault occasioning actual bodily harm on the football pitch, however, there’ll finally be a way to stop him.  You can have as much talent as you like, you can’t play through concussion.

     

    2.  Or Maybe You Can.  We’ll see way more incidents of concussion in the game now that players can cranially assault each other on the pitch.  And concussion, in some cases might actually improve players.  Who can forget what (then Partick Thistle manager) John Lambie said on being told that one of his strikers was concussed?  He said, “That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.”  Obviously concussion won’t always lead to improvement; most of my team’s squad seem to have been concussed since December and we – if our home stadium was called the Paper Bag Arena – would be there today, still playing out our Christmas fixtures.  Still, seeing them elbowed in the head would make me feel better about things so it’s still a win.

     

    3.  It’ll Be More Popular.  Now that players can elbow each other in the chops football’s popularity could be further increased.  Look at the rise in popularity of cage-fighting, a sport with a laissez-faire to the rules of etiquette.  It’s growing far faster than its more traditional, staid and rule-bound cousin, boxing, and football attendance could increase similarly with the relaxation of the tiresome convention of not being allowed to inflict brain damage on your opponent with your elbow.  It could bring some of the excitement that we associate with the gladiators of ancient Rome to the sport.  In fact, I’ve seen Gladiator and it’ll be great: There’ll be blood; there’ll be whooshing and crunching noises; there’ll be names like Roonicus Maximus, Torresicus Uselecus, Carrollicus Howmuchicus and Coleicus Twaticus; there might be lions.  How cool will that be?

     

    4.  It’s Civilising. Allowing the elbow may well actually make football more civilised.  This might seem somewhat counter-intuitive, but it could work.  Look at the touching way that Mark Clattenberg put his arm around Wayne Rooney after Saturday’s elbowing incident.  It made a lovely change to see a player and a referee getting on so famously, because usually when players are interacting with the referee they’re barracking and abusing him*, so if allowing players to half-kill each other on the pitch brings more touching and harmonious moments like this it can only be a good thing:  Practitioners of football will finally become the role-models that we always hoped they would be; setting a good example of decorous, respectful and appropriate behaviour for children.  And they’ll get to see them belt the living shit out of each other too!  Brilliant.

     

    5.  It Benefits The United Kingdom. Elbowing another person in the head is not merely the simple, uncomplicated act of thuggery that you might suppose, as there are some fundamental laws of physics that cannot be overcome.  The act of elbowing someone in the head requires the elbower (or defendant, as non-F.A. types have traditionally referred to them) to be able to reach the elbowee(victim)’s head with their elbow.  This means that Shaun Wright-Phillips (5’4”) would have little chance of elbowing Peter Crouch (9’3”) in the head.  So taller players will have a natural advantage.  And this, in international football, will benefit teams from the United Kingdom, as we’re the twenty-second tallest nation in the world (and Luxembourg, Iceland and Estonia are ahead of us on that list and we should be able to beat them using old-fashioned skill**).  U.K. teams will, therefore, have a greater chance of winning the world cup than they do presently.  So there you go, in the future, when elbowing opponents in the head is a legitimate tactic, England will be improved by not selecting Shaun Wright-Phillips.  What a revelation.

     

    6.  It Uses Existing Skill. The new relaxation of the rules will tap into the existing skill-sets of football players and will allow them to practice on the field what they often practice as amateur-hobbyists off it.  Assaulting people.  And while it will be somewhat of a change from the traditional practice of punching people in nightclubs and takeaways – or shooting people at the training ground – it will be something that they won’t require too much additional training to adapt to.  And it would make nightclubs safer places for the rest of us to conduct the activities traditionally associated with them. Mostly vomiting and being sexually/physically assaulted (delete as appropriate) by middle-aged men in short sleeved shirts.

     

    7.  It Puts Football Back At The Cutting Edge. By allowing elbowing, football is flying in the face of convention and bucking tradition.  And, on a day when the sport is being overshadowed by a cricketer coming out and revealing that he is gay, it’s important that football is seen to be embracing new ideas.  After all, cricket is merely blazing a trail today by embracing very old ideas, which means that – with its new attitude toward our silly, outdated notions of what constitutes assault – football is doing something far newer and more libertarian.  So move over cricket, football is now the unparalleled bastion of cutting edge liberalism in sport.  How truly enlightening.

     

     

     

    *I would include female referees in this, but I quite fancy a career in radio.

    **This may be fanciful.

     

  • And The Winner Is…

    And The Winner Is…

     

     

    Hello!  Marc here.  It’s Sunday, and now that much of the sport has been watched, it’s time for me to sit down and sift through the entries for the awesome competition that we set last week.  We felt sure that the competition – and the brilliant prize – would inspire many of our readers to wit and brilliance and well, here’s the top three entries (out of three).

    In third place, with this entry is Chrissy Aram with:

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I could live next door to my brother.

    Now, I’m not entirely sure what to make of this.  Chrissy lives in England – which is already next door to France – so, unless her brother lives in Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, Andorra or Spain, this won’t work.  Plus there’s no cricket in France, she wouldn’t like that, and cricket is far better than brothers, as my sister will happily confirm.

    In second place is Rachel Simmonite’s entry:

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because it would be the ideal place to put my shoes, and it would be a good bargaining tool to help me take over Britain, then after that THE WORLD.

    Now, if I had feet half the size of Central Europe, I’d want somewhere to put my shoes too.  This is an entirely laudatory use of France.  Where Rachel’s entry falls down is the suggested use of the occupation of France to take over Britain, and then the world.  Or THE WORLD, as she shouted.  This has already been tried – by a monobollocular chap with a funny moustache – and it doesn’t work.  I appreciate that her plan differs somewhat to that of Herr Hitler, in that she intends to use France as a bargaining tool, rather than as a picturesque military base, but how would that work?  Would she issue threats?  “Give me the Isle of Wight or I’ll blow up Dieppe!”  I can already hear the massed voice of 60 million Britons saying, “Okay, blow up Dieppe then.  Whatever.”  “Give me the Queen or Nicolas Sarkozy gets it!”  “Bahahahahahha!”  The plan is fundamentally flawed.  Rachel is clearly the Wile. E. Coyote of the Win France competition.

    Winging its way in from Greece (where the exchange rate is 2.5 Greek words to 1 English word) is the final entry that we received – which is also our winner – by Ασπασία Ματθαίου (easy for her to say):

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I would be able to stop that awful film overdubbing business which is just wrong. Viewers should be allowed to enjoy actor’s real voices in the way that they actually speak them. Why would anyone want to listen to Orson Welles speak in a silly French tone? I know I wouldn’t. (Individuals formerly employed in dubbing would have to find a new job, in the field of foreign film criticism. Their criticism would have to be written in the language of the film in question. At least 5000 words of it. I think that’s fair.)

    Then I would pass a law whereby all taxi drivers in the area of the land formerly known as France would speak Greek. That would serve them right. And then everyone would be made to count and spell numbers correctly, in every known language in the world. Finally, that same law would clearly state to all taxi drivers that they would have to drive me to and from airports for free, eternally. (Hehehe. That would be great.)

    French politics and sport I would make sure remain the same for ever more. (Yes!)

    Just a final thought.  If my entry wins the competition I might just hand France to Jon. I think he will appreciate the prize better.

    So there you have it.  In a totally unexpected outcome to our competition, France has been won and her new owner, as a result of Ασπασία’s generosity, is my writing partner, Jonathan Lee.  I’d like to thank everyone that entered and, now that France is under new management, I’d like to wish her citizens good luck.  They’ll need it.  And Jon, you may now sally forth across the channel and claim France*.  Though please get your posts for the week out of the way first, I’ve rather a lot on.

    *Remember to put an English-Greek dictionary into your suitcase of baked beans and ginger nuts in case you need to use a taxi.  Oh, and it’s thé au lait you want.  The other brown stuff is something called coffee that you won’t like.

  • 7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

    7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

    Last week we gave you seven compelling reasons not to watch the Cricket World Cup. How many of you listened to us? Probably not many. And I don’t blame you. I mean, I didn’t even listen to myself. I’ve watched every game so far. But that’s not because I am addicted to the sport, it’s because it constitutes research. It was suggested by Marc that we could write about the Cricket World Cup every Friday. It wasn’t a bad idea – every time we write about cricket we send shockwaves through India. So I agreed. Apart from the dodgy fielding, the one-sided nature of the games and the sparse crowds, the one constant has been former England paceman, Bob Willis. For seven days now he has been sat on the red sofa at Sky Sports scaring the hell out of me. Here’s why:

    Bob Willis Scares Me
    Don’t Let The Smile Fool You. The Real Bob Willis Never Smiles.

    1.  Focus. It’s a frightening sight. When the producer whispers, ‘Camera one Mr Willis’, in Bob’s ear, the robotic state is initiated. His head turns sharply to the camera. Like a Tyrannosaurus Rex who has just spotted his prey, Bob doesn’t even…

    2.  Blink. His eyes are wide as he stares down the camera lens. Deep, deep, deep into your lounge goes his glare. Deep, deep, deep into your soul. And then, his lips begin to move. In his…

    3.  Monotone voice, his monologue begins. His ability to maintain an unwavering pitch for so long is a remarkable feat of endurance. Though for a robotic devil fairly standard I imagine. On and on he drones. No matter whether he is impressed or furious, it’s the same tone. It’s hypnotic in its powers. I know what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to put me to…

    4.  Sleep. He wants my soul. He wants to sell it on eBay. “I must stay awake,” I tell myself. “Bob Willis must not be allowed to submit a fake bid for my soul in oder to bump up the price.” My eyelids are heavy, I try and reach for the remote control but I am not not going to make it. I’m drifting! I’m drifting! Then, suddenly, a saving grace. The shot zooms out. The vision of Robert Croft and Michael Holding is momentary relief. But then I notice the…

    5.  Giant of a man to their right. Bob Willis is huge! He looks like the BFG sitting on that Sky Sports sofa. I know he’s a giant because his knees are higher than his coccyx. He looks comfortable in his own uncomfortableness. This only scares me more. I can’t help but imagine him standing up. His head would be on the second floor. It’s the only time I hunger for a zoomed-in shot of Bob’s face. I don’t hunger for long, the producer adheres to my cries for mercy. Round two begins. He still wants my soul. I’m immediately drawn to his…

    6. Lips. Not in a sexual way. In the way I would watch a goldfish open and close his mouth. And then I actually start listening to what he is saying. And I find myself agreeing with him. Bob is right. You just can’t afford to make that kind of mistake at this level. Oh good gracious me! Bob Willis is making…

    7.  Sense. And this is the scariest thing of all. Already this year I have found myself agreeing with Boycott. What is happening to me? Am I becoming their bitch?

  • 7 Reasons That Social Kissing is a Minefield

    7 Reasons That Social Kissing is a Minefield

    I’m perplexed by social kissing.  I’m referring to non-sexual kissing here, the sort that goes on all the time on all manner of occasions and at every gathering.  I’ve been trying to make some sort of sense of it since 8:30 am.  On a morning in 1985. As an Englishman, I just find it all a bit fraught and overwhelming.  Anyway, here’s what I’ve got so far.  Here are seven reasons that social kissing is a minefield.

     

    This is bad. Even I know that.

     

    1.  Straight Men.  Social kissing, if you’re a heterosexual man, is fraught with myriad rules and conventions that must be strictly adhered to.  In truth, it’s a bit complicated.  As a straight man, you can kiss any unrelated woman socially, except for the Queen and ones that smell really bad and keep pigeons in their hats.  You can also kiss any related woman socially: mothers; sisters; aunts; nieces; cousins; in-laws; grandmas; that woman you’re told is an aunt but no one can remember how the family know her (she probably just latched on to them at a christening in 1974), they’re all fair game.  You can’t, however, kiss any unrelated man unless a) you are both professional football players in the act of celebrating a goal or b) you are more drunk than you have ever been in your life and it is your wedding night (I played the role of surprised wedding guest in this scenario, I don’t recommend it) .  Related men are simpler.  You can kiss both your father and grandfather up to the age of about twelve and you can kiss babies (but not excessively, and once they can walk unaided that has to stop or you’ll get a bad reputation).   Oh, and uncles should never really kiss anyone, ever.  All clear?

    2.  Straight Women.  The etiquette for straight women is more straightforward.  Heterosexual women can kiss any unrelated woman, also excepting the Queen (though they will kiss the smelly woman with a pigeon in her hat because they’re generally kinder than men).  They can kiss any related woman (probably including the Queen, should they be related).  They can also kiss all men (both related and unrelated).  In short, they may kiss pretty much everyone apart from the dead (and even then it’s acceptable for the first few days).

    3.  Gay Men.  It’s more complicated for gay men.  The same rules that apply to straight men kissing relatives apply to them but, in the case of unrelated men, things are a little different.  The football celebration exemption that applies to heterosexual men doesn’t apply to them, because there are no gay professional football players.  At all.  None. No!  But gay men can kiss each other socially (should they feel comfortable doing so), unless they are in a location where such activity may attract a crowd/mob.  They are also not allowed to kiss socially within the pages of the Daily Mail, unless accompanied by some sort of lurid headline about declining standards/moral turpitude/Britain’s going to hell in a handcart because we’re so against modernity that we won’t even put it in a metaphorical car.

    4.  Gay Women.   Exactly the same rules apply to gay women that apply to straight women, with only one important exception.  Under no circumstance can a lesbian ever kiss Justin Bieber.  That would just be too much confusion for anyone to bear.

    5.  The French.  Now, the French have their own unique approach to social kissing.  French men and French women (of any persuasion) can kiss absolutely anyone they like (except for the Queen and my writing partner, Jon), as long as they do it twice.  Once on the left cheek and once on the right.*  You can see this demonstrated at civil ceremonies throughout France as various mayors and civic dignitaries present medals for courage in the face of extreme paper cuts to postal workers and the highly-prized and hotly-contested croix de blanc, which is annually awarded to the first person  to surrender their town to any approaching army (or a passing traffic warden should there be no invading army available at that moment).

    6.  Transsexuals.  Okay, the rules are really blurred here.  But, as far as I’m concerned, transsexuals can kiss anyone they like, except for the Queen and me outside York Minster at midnight on New Year’s Eve 2004 just when I’m moving in to kiss my wife and am off-guard.  Yes, I concede that it would have been very funny had it happened in a sitcom or to someone else, but sadly it didn’t.  Oh, and when you’re saying, “I bet you didn’t think you’d be kissing a transsexual at midnight”, try not to do it in a tar-soaked scouse accent, because that just made it feel dirty.  Try it in lilting Irish next time, or a West country burr.  Then I’ll probably feel better about the whole experience.

    7.  Eskimos.  Eskimo kissing is weird.  I don’t know which Eskimos can kiss other Eskimos.  I also don’t know how Eskimo gender affects which Eskimos can kiss other Eskimos (or how they can tell what gender the other Eskimo is under all the layers of clothing and the furry hood).  I do know, however, that Eskimos aren’t Eskimos at all, they’re Inuits, Yupiks and Aleuts, but they don’t Inuit, Yupik or Aleut kiss, they Eskimo kiss (oh, and they don’t live in igloos**).  I’m sure it’s quite acceptable for them to Eskimo kiss other Eskimos (who also aren’t Eskimos) though, but probably not seals and definitely not polar bears.  Just as long as they don’t come and rub their faces against the rest of us without warning really, as it’s bizarre behaviour.  And by the rest of us, I mean me.  I seem to have enough problems with social kissing as it is.

     

    *If an English person says that you can kiss them on an additional cheek, they are insulting you.

    **Except for the ones that do.

     

  • 7 Reasons The Protection Of The Cornish Pasty Is A Jolly Good Show

    7 Reasons The Protection Of The Cornish Pasty Is A Jolly Good Show

    You’d be forgiven for missing this news, but yesterday the Cornish Pasty was awarded protected status by the European Commission. Or at least the term ‘Cornish Pasty’ has. It now means that a Cornish Pasty can only be called a Cornish Pasty if it has been prepared in Cornwall. So what? I’ll tell you what. With the help of the tried and tested 7 Reasons formula, here are seven reasons why this is brilliant news all round.

    Cornish-Pasty-Association

    1.  Employment. A) All Cornish Pasties will now be stamped with a Protected Geographical Identification logo. That’s a job for someone. B) All those who sell fake Cornish Pasties will have to hire designers to redo their menus and, in the case of ‘Glasgow Cornish Pasties’, their whole identity. C) Those who fail to adhere to the new legislation will be sued. This means more jobs for lawyers.

    2.  Tourism. I don’t have the facts to hand, but I reckon more pasties are sold each year at train stations across the country than actually in Cornwall. Or at least they were. That now will change. Instead of grabbing your pasty from London Paddington, you’ll actually have to get on the train and head down to the South West. And while you are there you may as well check out Tintagel and the Beast Of Bodmin Moor.

    3.  Pasty Wars. That pasty manufacturer in King’s Lynn who has been selling bogus Cornish Pasties since 1997 now has a wonderful opportunity. And that opportunity is to create the Norfolk Pasty. Come November we are going to see a pasty price war.

    4.  The CPA. That’s the Cornish Pasty Association to you and me. After nine years of trying, they have finally done it. They have protected the pasty. Congratulations guys! Have a pint and pie on me.

    5.  When is a Cornish Pasty not a Cornish Pasty? When it’s not made in Cornwall! At long, long last I can use this joke and people will laugh. They just didn’t get it before.

    6.  Clarification. You know when you go into your local pub and order a coke and the barman says they’ve only got Pepsi and you say that’s fine? Well, the same thing will now have to happen with pasties. You go into a restaurant and order a Cornish Pasty. Instead of making a note of your order the waiter will now be required to say, ‘It’s a Brighton Pasty, is that okay?’ At which point you get up and leave.

    7.  Pedants. I expect most of them had a party last night. In fact, I know we did. We can hardly wait to get out there and correct people who order a Cornish Pasty. ‘Actually, it’s only a Cornish Pasty if it has been prepared in Cornwall.’ It’ll fit very nicely alongside my, ‘Holland is not bloody a country! The country is called the Netherlands. Holland is made up of the North Holland and South Holland provinces only.’

  • 7 Reasons That You Shouldn’t Read (on the toilet)

    7 Reasons That You Shouldn’t Read (on the toilet)

    This is a subject that totally divides the sexes.  For some reason, reading in the toilet is something that women just don’t do, and they’re right.  I agree.  I read a lot.  I’m also a man.  To some people, this could mean that I might reasonably be expected to be found reading on the toilet, or would be, if people were in the habit of finding other people on the toilet which fortunately – for the most part – they’re not.  But I won’t be found reading in the toilet ever, because I won’t be reading on the toilet in the first place – unless I’m dealing with some sort of emergency that requires me to use the toilet and read important instructions simultaneously.  Like coming face to face with a self-assembly lion.  Other than that, however, reading while using the toilet is something that shouldn’t ever be done.  Here are seven reasons why.

    This: Don’t do it.

    1.  It’s Disgusting.  We’ve all seen those shock-docs in which restaurant toilets are subjected to ultra violet/infra-red/magic-poo-seeing light, and they don’t make comfortable viewing.  They show specks of faecal matter (close your eyes if you’re at all squeamish) spattered (you can open them again now) on far walls, high ceilings, behind sinks and well, just about everywhere, and the nearer to the toilet the surface is, the more bottom-mud there will be on it.  So if you’re reading a book while you’re using the toilet, or even leaving a book near the toilet, it’s going to get faeces on it.  That is an undesirable trait in a book.

    2.  It’s Disgusting Multiplied.  Having left your excrement all over your book, once you’ve finished it you’ll return it to your library or lend it to a friend or a colleague who’ll probably read it in a normal place like a chair or a bed or something.  So not only are they taking your shit with them into their bed, they could well become ill while reading it.  “I seem to have picked up a horrible stomach bug,” your colleague will tell you as they call in sick,” still, at least it gives me some time to read the book you lent me.”  You’ll have poisoned them.  And you’ll probably end up covering their workload at the office too, while they lounge around at home.  The only winner in this scenario is Jeremy Kyle.

    3.  It’s Just Weird.  Well it is.  Why, out of all the things that men do so brilliantly well, is the only example of their multi-tasking prowess the ability to poo and read simultaneously?  Is it that the very act of sitting down on the toilet feminises them and renders them suddenly capable of doing more than one thing at once?  And why don’t women read on the toilet?  They’re always telling us they can do fifteen things at the same time (often while they’re burning something in the kitchen or standing on the cat’s tail) but put them on the toilet – where no one can see them – and they suddenly become mono-taskers.  Does this mean that the multi-tasking stuff is all for show?  If you put a toilet and a book together in the same place and you get more questions than answers.  Unless, of course, the book is a book of answers.  They can only be trumped by a toilet of questions.

    4.  What If Someone Else Wants The Bathroom? There are other people in the world too.  Other people that might conceivably want to use the toilet for the actual purpose of using the toilet.  It’s no fun for someone to have to hang around outside the bathroom crossing their legs and screwing up their face while shrieking, “I need the toilet!  I need the toilet!” with increasing desperation (well, it is, but not for them).  It’s like Superman.  Does he ever think about people that need to make a phone call when he’s using a phone box to change into his costume?  No he bloody doesn’t.  And their phone call might be an emergency.  He’s an inconsiderate bastard.  Essentially, if you read on the toilet you’re just like Superman.*

    5.  Health & Safety.  It’s not just about books any more.  There are hi-tech reading devices out there that the hapless and misguided might conceivably try to use while in the smallest room.  Kindles, for example.  But no one knows what possible effects would occur if they dropped an electronic book into the toilet (I googled it**).  It would stop working, that’s obvious, but it also contains a battery so, I assume, it’s possible that it could short-circuit and send a small electrical charge through the water in the toilet bowl if dropped.  Now if you were connected to the water in the bowl in some way (by a stream of liquid perhaps, you are in the toilet, after all), you’d get an electrical shock. Right in the very last place you’d want one.  They’re not even allowed to torture people like that at Guantanamo Bay.  They’re restricted to water-boarding them there, or forcing them to spell Guantanamo.  The monsters.

    6.  What If You Run Out Of Paper? Outside of Kerry Katona, is there anything more tragic and desperate than someone that has just discovered there’s no toilet paper once they’ve completed a movement?  Probably not.  At that moment, people will use anything that’s near to hand (perhaps even their hand).  If they’re reading a book, there’s no question that they’ll tear a page or two out and use that to wipe themselves with.  But what if they’re reading the Bible?  That would be blasphemous.  What if they’re reading the Encyclopedia Britannica?  They could end up ignorant about aardvarks or Zurich.  What if they’re reading Dan Brown?  That would be hopeless as the pages are covered in shit already.  It’s just better not to have a book within reach in the first place.

    7.  Pity The Writers.  At 7 Reasons, we’re generally just happy and flattered that people read us at all.  But we’re also British and, as such, feel duty-bound to uphold notions of taste and decency and to urge our readers toward decorous behaviour.  So we have to draw a line.  And that line is at the bathroom door.  We can’t write while imagining our readers on the toilet and you probably don’t want to be imagined using the toilet by us while we write***.  For our sake, as well as yours, you should never – even though you probably weren’t considering it anyway – read 7 Reasons in the toilet.  You should, of course, continue to outfit yourself in your Sunday best before settling down in your parlours and libraries to read us, just as you’re doing now.  Nice hat, madam, by the way.

    *This argument hasn’t gone well.

    **I did find many instances of people dropping their iPhones down the toilet but that just made me laugh a lot.  Or is it lAugh?

    ***That sentence took nine rewrites before it even made partial sense.

  • 7 Reasons We’re Delighted By This 7 Reasons Analysis

    7 Reasons We’re Delighted By This 7 Reasons Analysis

    This morning I was completely devoid of inspiration. Initially I was going to attack a 10 year-old girl. Not literally obviously. I wasn’t bored. And it would be wrong. I mean literately. I was going to question why the girl – whose design has been chosen as the emblem for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee – couldn’t be bothered to use a ruler. Or indeed colour between lines. But as I was writing, I felt a deep sense of shame. It is not in my nature to pick on 10 year-old girls, so I stopped. Instead I googled ‘7 Reasons’ and, lo, what did I find? This beautiful analysis of all that is good about 7 Reasons. I was delighted. Here’s why:

    7 Reasons1.  Backed By FIRA. It’s news to us, but we are delighted to be backed by the capital city of Santorini. And, having looked it up on wikipedia, we are pleased to say that we reciprocate. Go to FIRA. You’ll love it. Especially the Santorini Archeological Museum.

    2.  Exceptional Performance. It is highly unlikely that this refers to our web hosts so we can only assume it is a compliment aimed at the robotic manner in which both of us knock out 7 Reasons posts day after day after day. We are just short of 500 posts now, or 3,500 reasons if you prefer. Quite an achievement given that one of us thought we’d struggle to get past 14. (Reasons).

    3.  Experts That Live And Breathe Furniture. Okay, so the use of the word ‘experts’ my have been somewhat over the top, but we happily accept that the 7 Reasons sofa is a thing of beauty.  And this is not by luck, but by design. We took great care when sawing the original sofas in half and even more care when we staple-gunned the two required halves together. The fact that it has lasted eighteen months is testament to our expertise. In fact the only thing we bemoan is the number of lemons that keep falling down the back of the cushions. Along with the cat.

    4.  Understanding & Insights. I am a little surprised this isn’t Reason One. After all, understanding the world around us and providing insight into a variety of topics is our bread and butter. Without this attitude you wouldn’t now be the proud owner of an orange door, you’d probably still be thinking about dating a polar bear and you’d own The American on DVD.

    5.  Leading Edge Infrastructure. This is very much Marc’s domain so he deserves the applause. From day one he has only been too happy to tinker with the back-end of stuff and he has done a marvelous job. The fact that none of you (or I) have ever noticed any improvements just goes to show how deep into the back-end Marc has gone. The result is a thing of beauty. When it works.

    6.  UK & Eire Coverage. We are glad this impresses people and it vindicates our original decision. Jon was very keen to prevent anyone outside of the British Isles having the ability to read the British humour website, but Marc muttered something about ‘impossible to do’, ‘xenophobia’ and ‘write about cricket and we’ll get loads of India-based readers’. That was enough. The website has always had Eire coverage. And the rest of the World too.

    7.  Partnership Approach. One of the seven reasons that 7 Reasons continues to astound the internet is because of this thing they call a partnership. When one of us can’t be bothered to write anything, we don’t. Instead we watch the football knowing the other will eventually crack around 5pm and rapidly write something about winning a country. It’s probably a flawed plan, but it works. For me.

  • It’s Competition Time!

    It’s Competition Time!

    We realised something recently:  We’ve never had a competition before.  Ever (or at least as far as we can remember).  It was quite a momentous moment in the 7 Reasons offices when this occurred to us; Jon almost missed his mouth with a biscuit and Marc looked up from his book about the war and blinked, before returning to it.

    Now, bearing in mind that the last time the 7 Reasons team funds were audited they stood at half a dead spider, a creased Post-it® note, the crumbs from several ginger nut biscuits, twelve business cards, a mug with a broken handle and a lemon, we weren’t expecting to have too much money to spend on a competition, but we had another check anyway and the good news is that we still have the lemon.

    “We can’t offer people a lemon”, said Marc, without looking up from his book, “You never know when we might need it.  In World War II, they used to use them to sanitise cups and utensils.  They also found them indispensable for…”

    Jon knew when not to interrupt Marc.  And now wasn’t that time, “OKAY!” he blurted, with such a ferocity that he surprised himself, “We won’t give the bloody lemon away!  Just in case Hitler comes back from beyond the grave, as mad as hell, and with some sort of new vendetta against humourists, the number seven and cutlery!  Because that sounds entirely plausible!  We’d also better hang on to any powdered egg that we might chance upon too, and our nylons!”

    “Okay”, said Marc dreamily from behind his book, entirely satisfied that mentioning the war had got him out of devising a competition.

    “So the prize has got to be something cheap, or even better, free”, said Jon, failing to recognise that Marc had already decided that the task was now solely in his hands.

    What the hell’s going on?  He’s still talking to me.  Usually he’s taken the hint by now.  Right, I’m going to have to refer to the war again, thought Marc.  “The Free French?” suggested Marc, “In World War II they…”

    “Yes!  That’s it!” exclaimed Jon.

    “What!?”

    “That’s perfect.”

    He didn’t know what was perfect, and frankly, he didn’t care.  Mumbling, “Very good then.  Do carry on,” Marc turned a page and settled further back into his side of the sofa, while Jon set to work putting together his brilliantly conceived and very cheap to run competition.  And here it is.

    The 7 Reasons Competition


    My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, and readers of 7 Reasons (including Kindlers).  The 7 Reasons team – in conjunction with the internet – wish to announce a competition.  We’re both proud and delighted to offer you, our loyal readership, a big prize, possibly the biggest prize that’s ever been given away in a competition.  We’re offering one lucky reader the opportunity to win France!  That’s right, France!

    Win France!

    We’ve thought about it and it seems to us that, since they divested themselves of their monarchy in the eighteenth century, no one has actually owned France.  And it’s just there, across the sea, waiting for our lucky winner to claim it.  All of this can be yours.

    a black and white baguette
    Food.

    More Food.

    The Eiffel Tower.

    To win France, simply complete the following sentence in a hundred words or less:

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because…

    Send your entries to [email protected] with “I Want France” in the subject box.  The competition closes on 26-02-2011.  The winner will be chosen by the 7 Reasons team (assuming they’re not reading about the war or eating biscuits) and will be announced next Sunday.  We’ll also be putting the best entries on the website, with a free link to your twitter account/website/anything you’re looking to plug.

    We’re really looking forward to reading your entries and would like to wish all of our entrants bon chance.  And good luck.