Tag: Help

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Having No Mobile Signal is Worse Than A Zombie Apocalypse

Needless to say, it’s only a matter of time before the zombie apocalypse (I’m guestimating at around three to four years) but a world populated with angry, brain-obsessed shufflers needn’t be the end of the world (although that’s pretty much exactly what it is). There are plenty of things that are more of a hindrance than those stupid slow-coach zombies – such as having no mobile phone signal. Let’s take a look at the most obvious 7 Reasons (there are hundreds to choose from) that a having no mobile signal is, in fact, considerably worse than a world beset by grey-matter gobblers:

1. Inconvenience. Just imagine how angry you’re going to be when you get home from the pub, filled with Guinness (there are other beers available. They’re just not as nice) and you have a craving for a pizza. You whip out your mobile phone to ring the local Papa Johns and, lo-and-behold, no phone signal! Call me crazy but, in my book, this is much more of an inconvenience than having some undead chap shuffling after you trying to get their takeaway of choice i.e. brains.

2. Social Media. Picture this – you’re being chased by a zombie and the poor unfortunate ghoul trips over whilst he is chasing you. How annoying would it be not being able to upload “LOL – Epic Zombie Fail. Tripped Over…” as your Facebook Status because your phone has no signal. That, my friends, is a world not worth thinking about.

3. Popularity. If you’re anything like me, your mobile phone will constantly be ringing off the hook with requests to go to fun social events or just out to the pub but ever since I’ve moved to an area with no mobile phone signal, I’ve not being get such invites. I didn’t get them before either but there must have been some other reason for that. At least, with the zombie apocalypse, you can try and befriend some of the less “bitey” ones.

4. Emergencies. Needless to say, in a world ravaged by zombies, you’re probably going to have to ring the emergency services from time to time with issues such as:

999 Operator: 999, what’s your emergency?

You: Errrrm, yeah, so there’s a zombie eating my Shih Tzu.

999 Operator: That, sir, is not an emergency. Goodbye.

Or something like that.

5. Pranks. Obviously, the mobile phone is integral to many pranks and if you’re unfortunate enough to live in an area which is utterly bereft of phone signal, your pranking capabilities will be severely inhibited. Having zombies clawing at your door will obviously be a bit annoying that but an inability to phone up the local takeaway restaurant with the name Joe Mama is patently much, much worse.

6. Boredom. As you may have noticed, people are now more or less tethered to their smartphones and it could be potentially difficult to spot the normal from the zombies in this post-apocalyptic world as we’re slaves to our phones and they’re slaves to their insatiable desire to chow down on brains. Without our phones, our propensity to get bored increases significantly and this, my friends, is another reason that having no phone signal is worse than a zombie apocalypse.

7. Parents. Even if there’s a zombie apocalypse, your parents are going to still be sitting at home wondering why you’re not calling them. If you live in a mobile phone area with no reception you can use that as an excuse for not calling but a zombie apocalypse? No, that won’t fly with the old parental units. They’ll want their Sunday phone call still.

Have you got concerns about an impending zombie apocalypse? Rightly so. It prepares to be ready for such an eventuality so you can sort out your mobile phone receptions problems with a LiGo BlueWave Mobile Hub which will get rid of those pesky “dead-spots” for mobile phone signal. You can find this product online at LiGo Cordless Phones.

February 27, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Get A Grip On Your Finances

here’s no denying the country is in a pickle. The latest figures show that 1694 workers are getting made redundant every day and the downturn is the longest the UK has seen in more than 100 years.

Little surprise then than many households are turning to borrowing money to try and make it through to payday and keep a roof over their head. However, spiralling debts can be difficult to escape from in the long term, even once the country’s economy eventually picks up.

It can be very tempting to rely on credit cards and loans to help make things easier but here are seven reasons why you should sort out your finances and steer clear of debt where possible.

1. You will end up with less and less money. Unless you are lucky enough to secure a 0% interest credit card, the charges added to money borrowed can make the amount repayable much more than the original debt. This means that more and more of your income will be swallowed up by repayments, leaving you increasingly reliant on borrowing, a vicious circle, which is almost impossible to escape.

2. Existing on borrowed money encourages you to live beyond your means. In the majority of cases, it is possible to survive on the income you receive, even if you have to make some adjustments to your lifestyle. Relying on payday loans and credit cards stops you making the necessary spending cuts and allows you to spend more than you have.

3. It is difficult to keep track of what you are spending. If you simply slap everything on your card, you may well be in for a nasty surprise at the end of the month. By paying for everything with cash, or your debit card, you can keep tabs on your bank balance throughout the month.

4. You will be seen as a poor credit risk. If you have lots of credit cards which are at their limit, many lenders will be less likely to offer you more finance – a real problem if you are trying to get a mortgage or a car loan. More recently, one lender has said that any applicant with a history of payday loans will automatically be refused.

5. You might sleep better. Having to survive on a reduced income is not much fun but is less worrying that juggling money to pay off your lenders. Anxiety over how to pay debts is one of the leading causes of insomnia.

6. Your financial situation will improve. Your financials will improve more quickly when the economic downturn in the country is over. Once the double dip recession ends, there will be more job opportunities and cheaper goods in the shops. If you are still crippled by debt repayments it will take a lot longer to feel the benefits.

7. Sorting finances now could help to improve your financial situation in the future. Even if you aren’t waist-deep in debt, it can be easy to blow money by being disorganised. Taking the time to sort through your finances, cancel unnecessary direct debits and draw up a budget may well just be enough to make life more comfortable.

Baines & Ernst is a leading provider of debt help and advice to people with money troubles. The company has helped over 100,000 people to escape the pressures of debt and provide solutions including Debt Management Plans and IVAs.

August 31, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need To Volunteer Abroad

If you are coming to the end of your studies, most of you will soon be busy checking job websites, scanning the local papers and trying to find that perfect first position. However, given the tough economic climate, more and more young people are finding it tough to get a job at all – let alone find the perfect one.

With that in mind, here’s seven reasons why we think now’s the right time to volunteer abroad.

1. You Develop As A Person. By far and away the biggest benefit to you by volunteering abroad is that you yourself will develop as a person. You will meet people from across the world you’re unlikely to have met if you’d stayed at home. You’ll develop skills and nurture friendships that will last a lifetime, and once you return you will have stories to tell. Whatever it is you do, you will develop into a more well-rounded person.

2. You See The World. By volunteering abroad you can choose the country which you’ve always dreamed of visiting. You could go to Africa and work in an orphanage, visit India and deliver life-saving medication to slum dwellers or work on a conservation project saving turtles in South America. Whatever you do or wherever you go, seeing majestic mountains or crystal clear seas is by far and away more appealing than a rainy Redditch.

3. You Change Lives. One of the major benefits of volunteering abroad is to change lives. By volunteering abroad the time and effort you give on your project will make a difference to peoples’ lives. For example, if you help dig a well for a water pipe, it could keep a village stocked with clean drinking water for years. Even if your volunteering work is just looking after children, the time you spend volunteering will help – it all adds up.

4. You View A Culture From The Inside. By spending time in a country different from the one you grew up in, you will be given a unique learning experience by interacting with a new culture. You may learn a new language, try new foods, have to dress differently. Wherever it is you go you will view a culture from the inside – helping to challenge proposed “norms” and making you a more well-rounded person.

5. You Meet New People. You will not be alone when you volunteer abroad. For years you have probably surrounded yourself with the same friends and same family members, without branching out and meeting new people. What could be better than jetting off abroad and interacting with people from all four corners of the world? People who work abroad make friends for life – and, with the advent of Facebook, keeping in touch with them and reminiscing about the time you spent together is easier than ever.

6. You Can Influence Your Future Career. You might have spent years studying accountancy. You may know everything there is to know about English Literature. But two weeks spent abroad helping orphans afflicted by AIDS can put it all into perspective. You may come back and decide you don’t want to photocopy spreadsheets or write email marketing newsletters for a company which sells lawnmowers. Volunteering abroad really can influence your future career.

7. You Boost Your CV. But finally, the biggest benefit for volunteering abroad is that it will boost your CV. Jobs nowadays are few and far between. Spend a few weeks abroad making a difference to people’s lives, meeting new people, trying new things and having new experiences and you will have something to put on your CV which stands out. You will not only stand out from the competition when you go for an interview, you’ll be showing prospective employers you’re motivated, you’ve got guts and interpersonal skills far and above your peers.

Author Bio: Original Volunteers is a provider of voluntary work opportunities across the world. For information on how you can work abroad please visit the website.

May 3, 2012
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons To Borrow One Of The 7 Reasons Team

Good morning Sunday. Usually on Sunday we rid ourselves of the strict seven reasons framework and let it all hang out. Today is slightly different. Without request, bargaining or bribery, former (and future) guest writer Richard O’Hagan decided to be nice to us. Now, 50% of the 7 Reasons team don’t go in for all this self-loving egotistical narcissism that is so prevalent on the internet. The other 50% can’t get enough. And because he is in charge this Sunday he has decided to share the nice things Richard said about us with you. For reasons best known to himself – though he did cite our week of cat flap/flat cap/flat cat borrowing – Richard has thoughtfully provided the world with seven reasons as to why one of you should borrow one of us. And here they are:

1. Technical Skills (IT). It must be obvious to anyone that the 7 Reasons team are technical geniuses when it comes to computer related stuff. Every now and then a post appears which is so laden with computer-speak that it is the written equivalent of being audible only to dogs, ergo they must know a lot more about this stuff than you or I. So the next time that your office computers crash, don’t wait for some numpty in Prague or Mumbai to diagnose your problem, simply borrow a 7 Reasons member to sort it out for you

2. Technical Skills (DIY). Look at that sofa! Isn’t it a work of genius? How much talent must be bottled up in these two guys, that they can produce something so seamless that you can hardly see the join (apart from the change in colour and style, obviously). Here are men so talented with a saw, screwdriver and hammer that the likes of Tommy Walsh weep in their presence (presumably). There is simply no reason to employ someone else to put up your shelves or build your decking when you can go to the very best and borrow Marc or Jon

3. Geographical Convenience. Better still, with one of them (Marc) being Oop North, and the other (Jon, by a process of elimination) Dahn Sarf, you can guarantee that a 7 Reasons expert is only minutes away (as even hours can be measured in minutes, too), thereby making them far more likely to show up and fix your problem than any other so-called expert

4. Lemons. One of my wife’s frequent complaints is that whenever I buy fish, I forget to buy a lemon for her to squeeze over it. 7 Reasons practically runs on the things, so why not borrow a 7 Reasons-er to do your shopping for you and avoid citrus-related domestic grief forever (unless your wife wanted limes. Or oranges)

5. Cats. Have you ever tried getting a cat sitter? It is almost impossible to find one for less than the cost of the holiday you were going on in the first place. And catterys cost even more. So why not borrow Marc, a self confessed tolerator of felines, to look after your cats whilst you are gone. There’s at least a 50% chance that he won’t try and feed them on lemons.

6. Empathy. At least one of the 7 Reasons boys is colour blind. At least one is married. If, like me, you are both colour blind and married you can really do with having someone to empathise with as your wife yet again complains that your shirt and trousers clash with one another. Borrow the 7 Reasons team and you have an instant set of shoulders (four, in fact) to cry on.

7. 7 Bespoke Reasons. You just know that the 7 Reasons team spend all day, every day, wandering around in a highly-developed comedic haze, every fibre twitching to find the source of the next 7 Reasons post. If you borrow one of them, you will find that it is your life that 7 Reasons becomes based upon. Which, frankly, is even better than writing 7 of them for yourself.

So there you have it. Well, almost. Due to the success of Thursday’s poll – which was won handsomely by “Fnuduhuh!” – we thought we’d give your fingers another chance to click on something. In line with today’s revelations, we are asking …

[poll id=”3″]

March 20, 2011
We’re Here To Help
Hello there. Happy Sunday. We’ve been running 7 Reasons (.org) for over fifteen months now and, while we don’t quite have the internet profile of an organisation such as Failblog, for example, or Wikipedia, our profile has been steadily growing over that time. This means that when people google things on the internet (or use other search engines that normal people can’t name), we often come surprisingly high in the results. Search the terms “kayak across the Pacific Ocean” or “Downton Abbey series II”, and you’ll find that we come on the first page; often above far-better established and well-known organisations that have written about the same subjects. This is down, in part, to a lot of hard work on the back end of the website (the bit behind the curtain that can only be uncovered by a small dog named Toto) and in some cases to dumb luck. What it does mean though, is that we get a lot of web hits from people looking for information that we, as a humour site, are really not best-equipped to help with. But today, as it’s Sunday, as a special treat, we’re going to pick a five of the search queries that people have used to find us and help some of the people that we don’t think we helped much the first time. Yay! Go us.
- “how much is a pet komoda dragon?”
In a sense, we feel that we’ve already helped you. Now, having read our piece you’ll know that “komoda” is spelled Komodo, it ends in an o, and the k is capitalised, as it refers to the island of Komodo. Where we feel that we may have let you down is in suggesting that a Komodo dragon would make an ideal pet. We feel that you, a person trawling the internet, actually looking to buy a man-eating wild animal to keep around the home, may lack the necessary sophistication to understand that when we suggest that ownership of a Komodo dragon may be, “advantageous to the health” and that it is “the ideal domestic animal”, that we are not being earnest. We are being arch and humorous. Do not buy a Komodo dragon. Hope that helps.
- “Can I kayak across the pacific ocean?”
Firstly, well done on your spelling and punctuation, though both Pacific and Ocean should be capitalised. We’re sorry that 7 Reasons You Should Not Kayak Across The Pacific Ocean didn’t supply you with all of the answers you were looking for so, right now, we’re going to help you. We’d like to thank you for your comment, “this was really stupid and i think that this article is not worth anyones time. revise!” and apologise to you. We’re very sorry that we didn’t supply you with the necessary information you needed to plan your cross-Pacific kayaking jaunt (or to find your shift key). After all, you’d gone to all the time and trouble of googling it, so you’d been scrupulously thorough. Here, by way of apology, is a definitive answer for you: Yes, you can. You can cross the Pacific with only a kayak and a paddle and require no additional safety equipment or supplies. And the great thing is that the ideal time of year to make your epic journey is now, so go right ahead! Hope that helps.
- “Hot women not wearing clothes”
Beautifully written, well done. We can’t help but feel though, that our website may have been a disappointment to you – especially as you landed on a piece in which two men extol the virtues of World War II propaganda – rather than seeing the eye-popping images of unclothed lovelies that you were doubtless searching for. Today though, we can help. Though neither of the 7 Reasons team is a hot woman (and we always wear clothes) we can offer you the benefit of our experience. Because both of the team know hot women that sometimes don’t wear any clothes and, in our experience, the key to meeting them involves spending less time trawling the internet for “hot women not wearing clothes” and more time outside; smiling, conversing, making eye contact, being considerate, courteous, perhaps even flirtatious, but mostly not being seedy. Oh, and, even though it’s 2011, flowers and chocolate are still good too. Hope that helps.
- “left sandal means”
While we’re heartened to note that our website comes up second when googling this important and presumably oft-searched phrase, we’re a little baffled by it, and we realise that the piece you found about men wearing socks with sandals didn’t help. So here is help. “Left sandal means” could variously mean; someone abandoned a sandal; a sandal for the left foot; a pair of sandals owned by a one-legged person; you have left Sandal, West Yorkshire (if you’re one of the people that has trouble with capitalisation when using the internet); the financial status of a left sandal; the intentions of a left sandal; you spelled one, or all, of the words incorrectly; you are weird. Hope that helps.
- “Hot women not wearing clothes at all”
Well hello again! Persistent aren’t we. Given how disappointed we imagine you were when you first came upon (though that’s almost certainly the wrong phrase to use) our website, we can only wonder at the prodigious level of your disappointment now. After all, you’ve gone to all the trouble of adding the words “at” and “all” to your Google search and still, there they are, the same (fully clothed) men biffling on about the war. But today, we’re still here to help, so – in addition to our previous advice – we also suggest googling “how to google” and clicking on the first link that you find there. Hope that helps.

7 Reasons will return tomorrow, with humour instead of help. All this selflessness and benevolence really takes it out of us.
February 6, 2011
7 Reasons To Join A Cult

The story of how 7 Reasons formed is not your traditional one. We won’t go into great detail other than to say we met because we were both in a cult. But don’t worry, this cult didn’t involve righteous killing or licking frozen chickens. Anything but. This cult was a friendly one. A cult where American architects sent dragons to newsreaders and people across the land turned the ferret gold. I am sure you are now seeing the light, but if you are still slightly unsure here are seven more reasons to join that cult.

Richard Bacon Was A Cultish Leader

1. New People. A cult is different from exclusive clubs such as The Masons because it is open to all. As a result you will meet a rich and diverse group of individuals from all walks of life. Plumbers, writers, lawyers, singers, doctors, engineers, buskers, perverts. You’ll meet the lot. And because you leave all your prejudices at the door when you enter the cult, you’ll form a bond with each and everyone of them. The most hardened Tory will find joy in conversing with the most radical Socialist. Millwall supporters will appear fluffy and cute. Formerly disgraced Blue Peter presenters will be forgiven. And that sort of thing only ever happens in a cult.

2. Opportunity. Unlike your place of work, there is no hierarchy in a cult. Or, if there is, you can very easily destroy it. You can be anyone you want to be in a cult. You can be a wallflower if you wish, or you can be a leader of men. And women. No one minds. If you are the type of man who has access to both foil and a cat (Marc) you may wish to see if one will walk over the other. But what if you don’t? What if you don’t have foil? Or a cat? What if you are a person in one of those moods and fancies taking the mick out of your leader (Jon)? Well you can do that too. And whats-more, whichever route you choose, whatever you decide to do, you will be celebrated. You will be held in high esteem. You may well start a website.

3. Reward. When you have gone out of your way to entertain those amongst your cult, it is nice to be rewarded. And nothing rewards quite like a cult. Apart from the adulation and admiration from those around you, you may also receive a badge. Or a small motorbike. But it’s usually a badge. And when I say a badge, I don’t just mean a badge, well, obviously I do, because it is a badge, but it’s also more than that. It’s more than a badge. It’s what the badge stands for. It doesn’t just say, ‘Hey, I’m in a cult’, it says, ‘Hey, I’m part of a cult’. And that’s, you know, pretty damn special.

4. Help. Whether you are at school trying to write your Personal Statement or in lying in bed ill, the cult is there to help you. Admittedly, you might not get it right all the time. All your advice may just confuse the lad and mean he misses out on that place at Cambridge University, but no one can accuse you of not trying. For all your failures, you will have hundreds of successes. Like I said earlier, the cult we were in helped turn the ferret gold. But while that was great, it is more the fact that people were there to help turn the ferret gold than the actual turning. And it was the ferret himself who first shared these sentiments. He was right.

5. Meaning. It is very easy to wander along in life, working nine to five and waiting for the weekend. There is nothing wrong with that, but joining a cult will give your life purpose. It’ll mean something to you and, more importantly, you’ll mean something to the cult. It’ll give you direction and hope and love. And let’s face it, there is very little direction, hope and love out there at the moment. Your work isn’t going to give it to you, so why not give the cult a chance?

6. Outside. When you join a cult, you join in trepidation. This is only natural. A cult, after all, has a reputation for being dark and evil and thus it is perfectly understandable if you are initially nervous. No one enters thinking they may leave with a new life. But many do. Many leave with new friends. Some leave with new girlfriends or boyfriends or both. Others leave with ideas. The rest just go to sleep. No one thought this would happen when they joined. No one expected their life to change. But it can. It does. Sure, not all friendships and relationships last, that’s life, but for a moment in time they were very real. And it was the cult that gave you that happiness. Without it, it would never have happened. Obviously, some relationships do last. Like 7 Reasons. A monster that will never be slayed.

7. Death. Eventually, sometimes for reasons outside of your control, your cult will die. You will attend the funeral (or listen to it on the radio) and be filled with deep sadness. But when you come to reflect, you realise the cult hasn’t really died. You just can’t listen to it on BBC Radio 5 Live anymore. It still lives though. In your heart. And on YouTube. You still have the memories of your leader being portrayed as Hitler. You can still listen to the music of the cult’s house band and indeed of the one you may well call T He Digger. You still have the vision of chair legs being broken by that woman who stood on a plinth for a couple of weeks. You still remember that moment when you were denied from asking Chris Evans whether his gingerness had been a help or hindrance. And these thoughts will stay with you forever. No one can take them away from you. And you’ll always be thankful that you could never get to sleep before 00:30.

So, if there is one thing you should spread this Christmas season, it is the joy of the cult.

Thankyou. Jonathan Lee, in the lounge, with his badge.

December 22, 2010
7 Reasons 7 Reasons Has Been An Unmitigated Success

Exactly a year ago today, 7 Reasons was born in York and Fulham. If you weren’t there – and it’s highly likely you weren’t – you will have missed our very first post, 7 Reasons This Blog Was Created. I don’t think we have ever met the high standards that piece of literary genius set, but we have certainly given it our best shot. Except on Thursdays. That day just never really happened for us. As we have somehow made it a year I think it would be useful* to look back and see if we have stuck to the principles we outlined 365 days ago.

1. “People like lists. This is a well known fact. Shopping lists, to-do lists, Wedding lists, the list is endless. It adds structure to people’s lives. Structure is good. It makes people feel in control. We like control.” – We have certainly controlled a part of your life. A small part maybe, but a part none the less. For three of you, 7 Reasons has become a staple part of your daily diet. You can not remember life when you didn’t know 7 Reasons Why Lemons Would Make You Sick. And more is the point, you don’t want to. And as for the rest of you, well you may read 7 Reasons on an ad hoc basis. Even so, we have still have a presence in your mind. We are still controlling you. Just not as well as we’d wish.

2. “Seven is one of our favourite numbers. The number seven is the only number less than fifteen which cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. We like that (probably).” – Seven remains one of our favourite numbers. That is all that needs saying on this one. If I start talking about integers I’ll confuse my keyboard.

3. “It gives us something to think about on the train or the bus or while walking to the post box. Instead of thinking, ‘Isn’t that woman’s blouse so last season?’ it gives us the chance to think of seven reasons why she is wearing that blouse. This tests our imagination. We like creativity.” – It could never be argued that we don’t think about 7 Reasons on the train or the bus. Indeed, such environments have inspired some of our finest pieces. And some of our worst. But that’s the beauty of 7 Reasons. The brilliant pieces only exist because there are substandard efforts mixed in. Without these everything would appear mediocre. And we already have Switzerland for that. And as for thinking about 7 Reasons whilst walking to the post box, well we’ve done that once too. A cat followed one of us back. Fifty lemons followed the other.

4. “On average we waste seven minutes a day thinking, ‘what shall I do next’. That’s the equivalent of 42 hours a year. In 42 hours you could comfortably travel around the world or hold your breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. Both of these are highly dangerous and more often that not result in Deep Vein Thrombosis or death. This blog is an antidote to both. We like saving lives.” – As far as we are aware, in the last year no one has died because they tried to hold their breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. It would be too easy to say, ‘Well, it probably wouldn’t have happened anyway.’ Have a bit of humility and accept that 7 Reasons has saved lives. Except Paul the Octopus’. But he tried to hold his breath for his entire lifespan. We can’t help muppets.

5. “Sometimes people take things far too seriously. Life should not be about taking things seriously. It should be about frivolity and nonsense. Seriousness gives us sensible shoes and Jeremy Paxman. They are bad. It’s time to be far more light-hearted. We like joy.” – Without 7 Reasons the world would no doubt have imploded on worry by now. Yes, so a couple of bad things have happened in the last year. ‘So what?’ That’s the 7 Reasons attitude. ‘Let’s look on the bright side’. And that’s just what we did. When we didn’t vote in a coalition Government but got one anyway, it was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who hailed it the greatest thing that could have happened. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who finally made it acceptable to cycle in the nude. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who encouraged the invasion of France. 7 Reasons gave joy.

6. “Sometimes people don’t take things at all seriously. They should. Life is a serious business. Without seriousness we get Balloon Boy and Ken Dodd. They are bad. It’s time to look at things with far more thoughtfulness. We like serious.” – It’s a good job that 7 Reasons has existed in the past twelve months because without it the world would have turned into a laughing stock. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who pointed out the glaring flaws in naming Ryan Giggs as 2009 Sports Personality of the Year. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who advised against driving golf buggies up the M4. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who finally gave those who look like a horse the confidence to go out and not let it be a barrier to achieving success.** 7 Reasons gave seriousness another go.

7. “It’s the 21st Century and in the 21st Century you have to be able to back up what you say or do. It’s no good saying, ‘I just bought a new drill’ and then shrugging when your loved one asks why. You must have a reason. Other than, ‘because it had 25% off’. So there needs to be a database to help you answer that question. This is what we will provide. We like drills.” – Ironically, or stupidly, we have never provided you with 7 Reasons I Bought A New Drill, however, we do have the biggest database of reasons anywhere in the world.*** And we only have to read the ‘keyword analysis’ of this website to see that everyone is using this site from students, to the BBC, to pregnant women looking for a place to urinate to men who are wondering if it is acceptable to shake hands after touching their penis. No one can argue that 7 Reasons isn’t the ultimate self-help website.

*Useful in the fact that it means I don’t have to think too much about today’s post.

**We take no responsibility for Sarah Jessica Parker making Sex and the City 2.

***Logic dictates this. Who else would spend a year thinking up over 2000 reasons for random things?

October 27, 2010
7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

1. Cats. It’s a well known fact that 80% of all missing cats are somewhere up a tree. 60% of these cats are found when someone accidentally gets their kite tangled up on the same branch. So basically, the morale of this reason is thus: If you’ve lost a cat, buy a kite.

2. Life Skills Training. There aren’t many more annoying things in life than Janet Street-Porter, but trying to fly a kite when there is no wind has to be one of them. Charging up and down the park, dragging a bit of string and cellophane – or whatever that material is – along the ground is enough to give anyone the hump. But this is where perseverance comes in. If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until the wind comes.

3. You Want To Be David Attenborough. I, myself, have always liked the idea of being a sports commentator. Which is why, whenever I see a dog off it’s lead, I pretend it’s in a Grand Prix. It’s good practice. If you want to make wildlife documentaries, I can’t think of better place to practice than in the park. Preferably one like that in the above photo. You can make insightful comment on the relationship between a giant purple bear and a red lizard without any danger of either of them turning on you.

4. SOS. I know it’s unlikely, but if you ever find yourself on an apparently deserted island, well the best thing you can do is whip out your kite. Fly it high in the sky and there is much more chance of you being spotted and saved before the island monster comes and reads your mind and then kills you.*

5. Hand-eye Co-ordination. If you’ve ever wanted to improve your use of a knife and fork or your ability to text when drunk, then flying a kite surely has to be the perfect practice. Keep the kite in the air, without the strings tangling, without taking out another kite and without walking off the edge of the cliff. The results will be incredible. Don’t believe me? Well, you try using a knife and fork at the foot of the Beachy Head.

6. Chat-up Technique. If you see someone you like flying their kite, all you have to do is ‘accidentally’ run towards them and take their kite out with yours. Or, if you think they’ll provide you with a soft landing, just take them out. The next step is to be apologetic and, before you know it, you’ll be off on a date to the nearest kite repair store. Or the hospital.

7. Watch Retriever. You’ve probably never thought of this, but next time a magpie flies off with your watch, get the kite out. If you are quick enough you can chase after the pesky thing and capture it. Much more bird friendly than a shotgun.

*I might have been watching Lost a bit too much.

May 19, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons You Found Us

Visitors mean a lot to websites. Visitors are their oxygen. We are no different. At 7 Reasons we like to breath. And we’re not doing too badly on that account, thanks for asking. In the past seven days thousands of people have popped by, either because they are regular visitors or because they have typed something into Google and 7 Reasons has appeared in the search results. All are welcome. Well, nearly all. We’d be lying if we said 7 Reasons hadn’t opened our eyes to the amount of weirdoes that own a computer. There aren’t many, but there are enough. 50% of whom really need to be recaptured very soon. So, in the last seven days, here are the most random, mind-boggling and disturbing phrases people have searched for. And if you want to know where they turned up, just click on the link. Oddly, I don’t think it was quite what they were looking for because no one left a comment or used the rating system.

1. “Meeting Arrive Sweat Enter Room Embarrassing Business” – 7 Reasons To Become An Artist

2. “James Martin Chef Nude Picture” – 7 Reasons To Cycle Naked

3. “Australian Open 2010 Spectator Excrement” – 7 Reasons To Hate Pigeons

4. “MP Moustache Deep Diving” – 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

5. “Break Wind Sideways Male Female” – 7 Reasons To Be A Bond Villain

6. “Penis White Peeling” – 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

7. “How Many Pasty Shops In Bolton?” – Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

We don’t know why people searched for any of these things, but as we feel a duty of care towards all of our readers, here is some advice.

1. Seek medical help.

2. Seek psychiatric help.

3. Seek medical help.

4. Resign from your job at the brothel, madam. There are some things that no one should have to do.

5. Seek medical help.

6. Seek medical help urgently.

7. Just go out and count them Brad.

We take the problems of our readers seriously. If anyone needs any advice, on anything, feel free to ask us using the comments section.

January 24, 2010