Tag: Flying

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need Bird Proofing

Pigeons. Seagulls. Rooks. Seagulls. There are many species of birds that cause a real nuisance – from squawks and screeches these birds create an awful amount of mess, ruin roofs and can be incredibly aggressive too. To deal with these pesky pests you may need to invest in a bit of bird proofing. Here’s seven reasons why.

The flock gathered to watch their next victim

1. Pigeons Are Rats With Wings. Let’s face it, no-one loves pigeons. Especially city-dwelling pigeons. They multiply at an amazing rate, they get into roof spaces when roosting and structurally damage buildings with their copious amounts of mess. Throw in the feathers they leave behind everywhere and

2. Rooks Are Noisy. If you live in the country, you’ll know all about rooks. They are very sociable birds and form nests high in treetops and they can number hundreds, if not thousands at a time – as such the noise is terrible! From as early as 4am these birds can cause a real racket – if you’re a country retreat or hotel you’ll know about it from the amount of complaints you’ll get!

3. Seagulls Are Aggressive. Oh I don’t like to be beside the seaside! Ever been for a nice walk on the beach or pier and had your fish and chip lunch ruined by aggressive seagulls? They cause a real headache for seaside businesses through their mess – and they can be pretty scary too! They are very territorial birds – get near their nest and you’ll know about it. Plus they can spread salmonella. Yuck.

4. Starlings Anger Gardeners. If you’ve got green fingers, the starling is your main enemy. These birds eat grubs, grains and seeds and will happily chomp away at your green shoots. Plus if that wasn’t bad enough their droppings can cause real problems – they carry a fungal respiratory disease that grows in soil, so if you’re growing fruit and veg you can really make your family ill.

5. Canada Geese Scare Pilots. Canada Geese are not only noisy, opportunistic feeders, they flock together. If you’re a pilot – you are scared of these birds. They flock together and if they get sucked into a plane’s jet engine…well the consequences are unthinkable.

6. Bird Proofing Isn’t Expensive. Believe it or not, bird proofing solutions aren’t expensive. They can range from putting up simple bird netting and bird spikes, to things like electrical deterrents and wire deterrent systems. Contact your local pest control company who will often carry out a free survey to see what you need!

7. Hawking Is Cool. We’re going to say it – hawking is cool. It’s probably the most expensive bird control solution, but it pits nature against nature. Hawks convince gulls and pigeons that there is a real threat in their nesting area, which makes those pesky birds scarper. Watching these beautiful birds fly up and scare away pigeons and gulls is a sight to behold.

So there you have it. Seven simple reasons you need bird proofing if you’ve got problem birds. For more information, check out www.nbcbirdandpest.co.uk.

April 20, 2012
7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

The other month, Worthing did something that it had never done before. It appealed to me. Or, to be more precise, the Worthing International Birdman Competition appealed to me. Lots of muppets chucking themselves off Worthing pier. Brilliant. I doubt they needed persuading, but if you have ever considered being a Birdman, here are seven compelling reasons why you should definitely do it.

1. The Horn. We’re all a little bit kinky at heart. We probably won’t admit it – which is why I’m admitting it on your behalf – but the idea of spandex and lycra is not all too alien to us. Opportunities to wear such attire rarely show themselves however, which is why being a Birdman is the perfect excuse. You could be Superman or Bananaman or Robin or a Dominatrix. You get a cheap thrill and no one bats an eye lid. Perfect.

2. Funding. If you went up to your friends and said, “I’m dressing up as Peter Pan, can I have a fiver?” you’d probably get laughed out of the room. Well, pushed anyway. Saying that you’re doing if for charity though and they’ll be far quicker to the cash point. Of course you’re not going to give it to charity, you’re just funding your unemployment habit.

3. Cred. R Kelly’s masterpiece I Believe I Can Fly is often cited as being thoroughly whimsical. No one really believes they can fly. Not even me after half a Peroni. Being a Birdman, though, gives this song new credibility. So, if you don’t want to be a Birdman so you can throw yourself off a pier, do it for Robert Sylvester.

4. Impress. Why was Superman so popular with the ladies? It wasn’t his glasses. Or his ability to stalk Lois Lane. It was because he could fly. And perhaps because he could protect you against just about anything that wasn’t within close proximity of a green, shiny rock. Mainly though, it was because he could fly. So, if there is someone out there you want to impress – and your 1995 Premier League Sticker Album is failing to do the magic – be a Birdman. (As for why Superman was so popular with the men. Well that comes down to Teri Hatcher. Superman managed to marry her, James Bond managed to get her killed. Muppet.).

5. Punishment. Maybe you’ve let yourself down. Perhaps you dropped a catch. Perhaps you shouted at your Mum. If you are not a Roman Catholic you gave not ask for forgiveness, so go and be a Birdman. A poor Birdman though. It is your duty to simply belly flop off the pier. That is your comeuppance. And if it doesn’t hurt, do it again. And again. And again. Only when you have tears in your eyes and at least one broken rib can you stop.

6. Film. There is little debate that Birdman Of Alcatraz is a good film, but, let’s be honest, while it contained a lot of stuff about sparrows, there was very little of Burt Lancaster disguising himself as a sparrow and trying to escape. I know it was based on a true story, but had John Frankenheimer never heard of artistic license? Should you prove yourself to be a good Birdman there is a very real possibility that you might find yourself cast alongside Simon Bird, Russell Crowe and Ethan Hawke in Birdman Of Alcatraz 2: Feathered Creatures.

7. Men Can Be Birds Too. I once knew a bloke called Kieran. I say ‘once knew’ because I don’t know him anymore. Sadly, he’s no longer with us. It’s okay, he’s not dead. He’s now a woman called Cynthia. Now, changing sex is not my kind of thing, but it’s what he/she wanted to do and I can only commend him/her on his/her decision to go through with it. I only wish that there had been a Birdman competition while he was contemplating the procedure. That way he could have experienced being a bird without the great expense. Still, he’s got boobs to play with now so I expect she’s happy.

October 3, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In The UK

Forget the Costa del Sol, it’s time to embrace Costa del Brighton. For too long, too many people have ignored the UK as a holiday destination. Why they have done so remains a complete mystery, but it’s time for a change. Here are just seven reasons you should ignore those foreign places and keep it British.

1. Active Pursuits. Our changeable and unreliable weather is the butt of many jokes, but let’s be honest, not everyone wants to lounge around on a beach in 30+ degree heat every day. Especially when you have a German eyeing up your sun lounger. All too often, when you go abroad you just end up sitting on the beach or by the pool in an attempt to keep cool. This is fine if doing nothing is what you had in mind, but if you want to be active and explore your surroundings, this can be quite limiting. There’s only so long you can go on a tour of the hotel reception before it gets a bit same-y. So take a look at a UK holiday; you may be surprised at the wealth of activities on offer. You might not have noticed, but we even have one or two beautiful, award winning beaches of our own.

2. Dizzy Heights. If you are one of the many people who don’t like flying, jetting off on a foreign holiday may very well be your idea of hell. Wherever you are in the UK, you are never far from a superb tourist destination. Coastal cottages in the West Country, in the south or in the Scottish Highlands allow you to get away from the stresses of home life without having to travel for hours upon hours.

3. Greenery. Holidaying in the UK is greener. And we don’t mean just the grass: consider your carbon foot print. It is estimated that the vast number of commercial flights each year are pumping 600 million tonnes of carbon dioxide directly into the atmosphere. By around 2020, air travel is expected to be the single biggest contributor to global warming. Basically, what we’re saying is, if you don’t go on holiday in the UK, you are killing your grandchildren.

4. When Is A Bargain A Rip-Off? You may have noticed that, financially speaking, times are hard in the UK at the moment. Air travel can be expensive but you will also need to take into account the exchange rate. It is no good bagging a bargain abroad if you find that everything is so expensive that you can’t go out. You’ll have to stay in your room and watch Sky News all day.

5. All In The Chalet Together. Holidaying here in the UK and spending your hard earned cash in our towns and cities is good for our economy. In 2010, David Cameron suggested that the UK has been drastically underselling itself as a tourist destination. At a conference in London, Mr Cameron urged more Brits to holiday in the UK, emphasising that tourism is “one of the best and fastest ways of generating the jobs we need so badly in this country”. And, just for the sake of political balance, Ed Miliband has just this week said he had a lovely time in Liverpool – bar the power cuts. So there we go. Agreement across the political spectrum.

6. Familiarity Breeds Content. Familiarity can be an important factor for those wishing to stay in the UK. If you enjoy good old English meat and two veg, an English fry up for breakfast, the occasional fish and chip supper or a battered Mars bar, then you can’t go far wrong here.

7. Sprechen Sie The Lingo. Unless you’re going to Glasgow, there will be no need for a phrase book every time you want to buy something or order in a restaurant. So for something truly British, look at one of the many coastal cottages available throughout the UK at Sykes Cottages.

If you usually holiday abroad but you are considering staying the UK for a change or for one of the reasons above, then you may very well find yourself surprised. The UK has so many stunning destinations. With a little research you should be able to find the perfect place and you may very well end up wondering why you’ve been bothering to go abroad every year.

October 2, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Cruising Is Better Than Flying

Had the Steve Martin/John Candy film been called Trains, Planes, Boats and Automobiles, you get the feeling that it would have been a whole lot better. Oscar winning probably. I mean boats are awesome. Especially cruise liners. They’re like floating cities. Far better than the hovering villages you get in the sky. Yep, cruising is definitely better than flying. And here’s Natasha to tell you why.

Cruises are vacation domains of choice. When you decide to cruise through your holiday, you really mean it. No rush, long lines, cramped seating or foot-in-mouth leg accommodations. To fully appreciate the benefits of a cruise, seven areas of consideration on whether to fly or to cruise on are listed below.

1. Nuts. Your vacation begins with transportation costs in getting to the airport. Final flight fares have many added fees that make the price very expensive, and that’s before your vacation begins. Fees are added by governments for security, by airports and airlines for baggage handling, food, seating preference, paper boarding passes, etc, etc, and so forth. Some airlines may provide you with salty snacks, like pretzels, chips or nuts, but don’t be fooled. It’s a ploy to make you thirsty enough to pay an outrageous $5 for a 12 oz can of soda.

A cruise program is a complete package that starts when you arrive on board; no added handling fees by cruise lines or port authorities for you coming to the ship, especially since the ship cannot come to you.

2. Luggage. The amount of luggage and what you can pack in the bags that you take on an aircraft has become very restricted. Some airlines do not even permit one free bag. Everything either must fit into a small sandwich size plastic bag for carry-on or go into stored baggage.

On a cruise ship you can bring as many suitcases as you want. The only restriction would be to their ability to all fit in your cabin.

3. Legs. Airlines have become creative in how they re-configure the seating arrangements in order to put in more rows of seats. This translates into lose of leg room and cramped seating for you, especially if you are the one stuffed into the middle seat. So, this is not how you planned to spend the start of your holiday? I agree with you…this is a very uncomfortable beginning.

Cramped situations do not exist on cruise ships, neither in your cabin, on deck, or in any of the facilities. In fact, most areas are as large as, or larger, than on-land locations.

4. Unpack, Pack And Repeat. When your flight is complete, and you have collected your bags, you must travel to and register at a hotel. You hope that they have not lost your registration, even though you have a confirmation letter. You get your luggage into your room and unpack. You know that you are going to visit several different locations and this is just the first of numerous unpacking and packing exercises that you will be going through. Light, wrinkle-free clothing was your only choice for moving around. Now you have the hotel costs and restaurant costs to add to funds you have already spent on airfare.

The beauty of a cruise package is that it is all inclusive of your room, meals, and elected entertainment programs. You do not have to do the wallet-reach move when you arrive on board or whenever you get hungry; a cruise is a no guilt and no added food fees experience.

5. Wrong Side Of The Road. You have paid the costs of flying to a vacation location, checked into a hotel, had a meal or two, and now you want to tour the surrounding area. You tried to sign up for a guided tour only to find out they either leave several hours before your vacation mornings start or they rush you through the area with hardly a stop to take pictures or buy a souvenir. This is too hasty for your taste. There is nothing left to do but rent a vehicle and learn to navigate the roads and road signs of another country. You did get a temporary international driver’s license, right?

On a cruise ship it is guaranteed that rental cars will not be a problem as none are needed. If someone does need mobile assistance, personal motor carts and wheelchairs are available. At port stops the cruise lines arrange for tours that again eliminate rental needs. If you do chose to go ashore for personal touring please watch the time so you are back in time to sail. The Captain does not want to leave anyone behind, but the ship has no such emotions. Being left behind would be an added adventure and cost when you need to arrange another way to meet your ship at the next port of call.

6. Tighten Those Purse Strings. After flying to a holiday location, staying at several hotels, purchasing your own meals and arranging your own transportation, you may have to include another cost for entertainment, like going to a theatre, museum, or night club. The wallet-reach move never ends.

Cruise ships have dancing, bingo, comedy, and Vegas style entertainment that does not add any cost to your fun.

7. Move It, Move it. Flight attendants prefer that you stay in your seat. Aisle space is limited and does not encourage socializing.

The crew of a ship will do all they can to get you up and out of a seat to take advantage of all the activities. A cruise is a perfect place to meet and make new friends or to get to know better the people you came with.

With flying, everything is another cost, another detail and another worry that something could go wrong. Sea cruises are beautiful, stress free, wallet friendly experience that you will want to enjoy time and again.

This article was written by Natasha Tasha, on behalf of Flight Centre, Australia, offering great selection of cheap international flights to destinations world wide.

September 25, 2011
7 Reasons The Flying Car Has Issues

Well, we might not be getting our hoverboards anytime soon, but it looks as if the flying car could be on our driveway as soon as next year. This is the Terrafugia Transition®:

Hunktastic, huh? And this is what it looks like when it’s taking you to work:

That’s a slice of heaven right there. The concept is undoubtedly genius. We have all been sat in traffic wishing we could take-off then and there. In reality though, the Terrafugia Transition® poses a number of problems. Seven of them.

1. Branding. We have already had a look at some of the worst product names out there and while the Terrafugia brand probably wouldn’t quite make that list, the name still worries me. ‘Terra’ obviously means ‘ground’, but I think of it just as it sounds. ‘Terror’. Would I get in a Virgin Nightmare? Or a Qantas Shock? Or a British Airways Screamer? Not a bloody chance. So would I get in a Terrafugia? Not a bloody chance. And sadly I am probably not alone. Why didn’t they call themselves Smoothflight or something equally camp, cliched and assuring?

2. Take-off. The take-off speed of this thing is apparently over 100mph. Its max speed on the ground is 62mph. I used to think I was good at maths.

3. Enough Room To Swing A 6-Iron. On the Transition® page of the Terrafugia website it gives you a list of conveniences. There are six and mostly things you’d want to hear. Rear-wheel drive and automated electromechanical folding wing being two. And then we get to the end of the list. And you start reading. And then you read it again. And again. And then you realise you are reading it correctly. You realise it does say, ‘Cargo area holds golf clubs’. Not ‘cargo area holds 50kg’ or ‘cargo area holds eight thousand pairs of pants’, but ‘cargo area holds golf clubs’! Why? Why would you do that? You have just alienated everyone who needs somewhere to put their cricket bat. Or a suitcase.

4. Landing. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason this aircar has been designed with the discerning golfer in mind. Once you’ve taken off, you need to have somewhere to land. In fairness you could probably have worked that out for yourself, but there’s probably no harm in me helping you out. Where the hell do you land this thing though? You need a fair bit of room. You might get squashed by a 747 at Gatwick and fields might be a bit bumpy. The last thing you need is a scarecrow entering your cockpit. So the obvious alternative therefore are the lush, smooth fairways of a nearby golf-course.

5. Dizzy. There are naughty people around. Naughty people who steal wing mirrors. I don’t think they would need too much convincing to nick a non-mirrored wing. The problem is though, just as you might not notice a missing wing-mirror when you get in the car, you might not notice a missing wing. You’d end up flying around in circles.

6. Time. This is a bit like the Aesop fable, The Tortoise and The Hare. Just a modern version for modern times. The Hare is the plane. It’s clearly quicker. As the crow flies, it would get from A to B in twice or thrice the speed of the car. But only if it was a crow. The problem is that the plane needs to use an airfield to take-off and land (they’re not really allowed to land on Royal St. George’s). Which means first the plane has to be a car to drive from A to an airfield. Then it can do its funky flying bit. Only its funky flying bit will take it to an airfield miles away from B. Then the plane needs to be a car again. Meanwhile the car can be a car and get stuck on the M40, M25 and M23 and still beat the plane (which is now a car) back to B. It kind of defeats the object of having a propeller.

7. Always Take The Weather With You. The manufacturers advise you not to fly if the weather is inclement. I can go down to Poundland (and ask someone to go inside for me) and get a kite for £1. A kite flies beautifully in inclement weather. I would therefore expect a £180,000 aircar to fly 180,000 times more beautifully in inclement weather, not crash to the earth because it got whacked by a hailstone. Unbelievable.

July 25, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Air Travel Can Be A Pain In The Butt

Today’s guest post is written by Sally. That is all we know about her. We suspect, judging by her use of ‘z’s instead of ‘s’s, that she resides on the other side of the pond. Other than that, our file is empty. You might think letting such a mysterious character onto the 7 Reasons sofa is as dangerous as the 7 Reasons cushions themselves. For the sake of keeping you entertained this Saturday though, it is a risk we are prepared to take. And it means we can watch the cricket. After the nice picture, it’ll be Sally.

Did you know people actually used to get dressed up to fly on an airplane? I mean, people were so excited to fly that they would actually break out their Sunday best for the flight. Why? Because flying was seen as such an exciting, high-class event that it was as much a highlight of their trip as actually getting to the destination. Most travelers could not imagine that today, as it feels like these once great sky coaches have been reduced to little more than a cattle car that flies. With that in mind, here are seven reasons why traveling in the year 2011 can be a giant pain in the butt.

1. Packing. Some of us were born without that organizational gene. You know, the one that lets people organize their sock drawers and car glove compartments. I never quite figured these out. Normally, it’s just a minor inconvenience. But when it comes to packing for a trip, I’m hopeless. I might as well just pile my clothes on top of a suitcase and hire a fat guy to sit on it.

2. Getting To The Airport. I’d like to send a message to all my friends. I am not a cab driver. Do not ask me to take you to the airport. First, people never fly at normal times, and waking up 4 hours before I have to go work is not worth you saving $15 in cab fare. Also, you’re about to go on a fun trip and I’m about to turn around and drive home from the airport in morning rush-hour traffic by myself. Hearing you talk about it on the way there makes me want to drive off the road into a tree. And I’m pretty sure your travel insurance doesn’t cover that.

3. Airport Check-in Staff. Okay, I just wanted to ask a simple question and see if there was an available window seat on my flight. You don’t have to talk down to me. You have the easiest job in the world. You type my name into the computer, you asked me a couple of dumb questions about my luggage (by the way, don’t you think anyone carrying contraband in their luggage would just lie?), and then you print out my ticket. Don’t act like you invented the airplane.

4. Airline Security Staff. Pretty much the same as reason three, except they’re more smug, less competent and fondle people’s legs for a living. We were never destined to get on.

5. Safety Speech Freestyling. Yes, we know! We have all heard it a million times. Just because it’s rehashed, I still don’t want to hear your lame canned jokes. I understand this is your one chance to show a little personality during the flight, but hearing Bob the flight attendant – not his real name – rap about oxygen masks makes me want to strangle myself with one.

6. Fellow Passengers. Sadly, I can’t charter my own flight, which means I have to travel with other people. At least I think they’re people. Sometimes you wonder given that don’t seem to get that the big piece of plastic in front of them is a seat with someone in it. Usually me. Kicking it makes me want to stop strangling myself with the oxygen mask and instead have a go on them. Either that or I regret not driving into that tree on the way to the airport.

7. Baggage Claim. Seriously, all you have to do is get the baggage from there, bring it here, and put it on the little conveyor belt. Why is this a half-hour long process? And why is my bag always last? And why do I only spot it when it’s passed me which means I look an idiot running after it?

June 4, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Flying With A Strange Man Is Annoying

A few weeks ago – much to the consternation of Italy – I went to Rome. Accompanying me on the epic trip was my girlfriend. While I have covered why Rome and I disagreed in great depth here, I did not speak about our flight home. A flight which split my girlfriend and I up. Though only for two and a half hours. For the duration, I sat next to a woman who seemed interested in children’s illustration. While my girlfriend sat next to a strange man. And an annoying man. That’s one person, not two. This is Claire Quinn’s story.

Google Images' Most Popular Annoying Passenger

1. Newspaper. Folding, unfolding, folding, unfolding, folding, unfolding. Rustling, crumpling, rustling, crumpling, rustling, crumpling. All the time. I don’t even think he could read.

2. View. It would have been lovely to see the sunset over Europe, instead I saw the back of a man’s head. And a newspaper.

3. G&T. This was a kind of torture. I wanted a G&T, he had a G&T. I couldn’t have a G&T as someone had to drive us home when we got back to Heathrow. (When I say ‘us’ I don’t mean the annoying man, I mean the strange man. Jon.) But the annoying man didn’t seem to care about any of this, so he sat there drinking his G&T. Slowly. That is not the way to drink a G&T.

4. Lemon. Apart from being a lemon, he had a lemon. It was in his G&T, then it was in his mouth. And he was chewing it and chewing it and chewing it and chewing it. And then he rustled his newspaper.

5. Coat. The annoying man was wearing the thickest coat that I have ever seen. It was so thick he probably should have had a seat of it’s own. But it wasn’t so much the coat that annoyed me as the fact that he was wearing his coat. Who wears a coat on a plane? What did he have to hide? Thinking about in now though, I am glad I never found out.

6. Fidgeting. As if the rustling and the crumpling and the folding and unfolding and the chewing and the chewing wasn’t enough, he was also a fidgeter. His legs were jigging up and down as if he was on of those wind-up toys. Shame he wasn’t. I’d have put him in reverse and destroyed the mechanism.

7. Earplugs. The most annoying thing – yes, all the above were relatively minor – is that he wouldn’t have realised just how annoying he was because he was wearing earplugs. So he didn’t hear any of the crumpling and rustling and folding and unfolding and chewing and jigging. None of it. He just enjoyed the silence. Or maybe he knew how annoying and loud he was which is why he wore earplugs? So he didn’t have to listen to it. That just makes him even more annoying.

November 20, 2010
7 Reasons That Vuvuzelas Are Annoying

1. The Obsession. The nation is obsessed with the vuvuzela. It’s impossible to read a newspaper, listen to the radio, watch the television, go to the pub, or read an internet humour site without someone bleating on about vuvuzelas. But I think that this focus on the vuvuzela is causing us to miss out on other World Cup stories. We’re just not getting enough ill-informed conjecture about problems with the ball: Is it that it’s too round? Is it the altitude? Does it fly too straight? Doesn’t it fly straight enough? Does it look too much like a fly?

It's a fly!

All of the coverage of the vuvuzelas is preventing us from having what we really want. 24 hour per day coverage of the ball. And more Robbie Savage.

2. The Name. The English language is a fusion of many languages from around the world and a lot of our words come from other countries. We get bungalow from India, sepia from Italy, mammoth from Russia and surrender from France (rather unsurprisingly). Yet it’s safe to say that our language wasn’t aided in its evolution by anyone who had been involved in professional football as, in the past week – from various players and former-players – I’ve heard “vuvulas”, “vuvuslas”, “the horns” and from Sir Geoff Hurst, no less, “uvuvezlas”. The awful mangling of the word vuvuzela is possibly the only thing that’s more grating than the sound of the instrument itself.

3. Stadium Atmosphere. The din of the vuvuzelas drowns out everything else occurring in the stadiums. This isn’t always a bad thing, as it drowned out the sound of happy Germans on Sunday, but it drowned everything else out too. The crowd reaction, singing, cheering, chanting, abuse; in fact, just about all of the things that reflect the partisan nature of football. The drone of massed vuvuzelas is a relentless unremitting cacophany that doesn’t abuse the referee, ask Fabio to dance, play the theme from The Great Escape (sorry, poor argument); doesn’t do anything fun or interesting at all. It’s just noise. An incessant racket that drowns out everything good about the stadium atmosphere. Everything.

4. Domestic Atmosphere. The vuvuzela operates at a similar pitch and tone to the human voice which means that, when you’re viewing the World Cup at home, you’re trying to filter out the frequency that other people in the room are speaking at. Thanks to the vuvuzela, if my wife turned to me during a match and said, “Would you like a beer?” or “Jennifer Aniston’s at the door, she wants to know if you can come out to play,” I probably wouldn’t hear her. Experience tells me that she’s unlikely to say either of those things, but what if she did and I missed it? Catastrophe. I hate going to the fridge.

5. Envy. It’s substantial, straight and three feet long, and I must say that I’m quite jealous, as there’s no way I could take anything like that to a football match in England. I’d probably be fed to a police-horse or charged with possession of a vuva vovos avuvuvu…“I’ll let you off with a caution this time sonny, now on your way”. We don’t even get trusted with bottled water over here.

6. Sound. The sound of massed vuvuzelas is like the sound of a swarm of angry wasps, but deeper. Usually, the larger an animal is, the deeper the sound that they make – so it’s giant angry wasps that we’ll hear the sound of all summer. Giant angry wasps! Well I certainly won’t be falling asleep during a match, or at any time at all during the summer. Except when Andy Townsend’s “analysing” the action, that is.

7. We’re Stuck With Them. There is only one thing that would be worse than enduring the sound of the vuvuzela: That would be banning the vuvuzela. Just because we Europeans have our own expectations of how a football match should be viewed, it doesn’t mean that they should be forced on the rest of the world. This is South Africa’s World Cup, and god knows they’ve earned it. World Cup 2010 should be a uniquely African spectacle and, much to my annoyance, this includes that giant dung beetle thing from the opening ceremony and the bloody vuvuzelas. But we shouldn’t be downhearted about this; sometimes the most memorable parts of World Cups are the unique things that the host nations bring to them. Mexico ’86’s wave, Argentina ’78’s ticker-tape, Italia ’90’s Three Tenors and USA ’94’s blank incomprehension about some sort of soccer-ball tournament going on. Long after many of the matches and incidents are forgotten, these are the memories that remain. And so it will be with the vuvuzela. We will have to suffer it for a month or so, but in time it’ll be the thing that the tournament is remembered for. We may even feel nostalgia for it. Eventually.

June 15, 2010
7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

1. Cats. It’s a well known fact that 80% of all missing cats are somewhere up a tree. 60% of these cats are found when someone accidentally gets their kite tangled up on the same branch. So basically, the morale of this reason is thus: If you’ve lost a cat, buy a kite.

2. Life Skills Training. There aren’t many more annoying things in life than Janet Street-Porter, but trying to fly a kite when there is no wind has to be one of them. Charging up and down the park, dragging a bit of string and cellophane – or whatever that material is – along the ground is enough to give anyone the hump. But this is where perseverance comes in. If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until the wind comes.

3. You Want To Be David Attenborough. I, myself, have always liked the idea of being a sports commentator. Which is why, whenever I see a dog off it’s lead, I pretend it’s in a Grand Prix. It’s good practice. If you want to make wildlife documentaries, I can’t think of better place to practice than in the park. Preferably one like that in the above photo. You can make insightful comment on the relationship between a giant purple bear and a red lizard without any danger of either of them turning on you.

4. SOS. I know it’s unlikely, but if you ever find yourself on an apparently deserted island, well the best thing you can do is whip out your kite. Fly it high in the sky and there is much more chance of you being spotted and saved before the island monster comes and reads your mind and then kills you.*

5. Hand-eye Co-ordination. If you’ve ever wanted to improve your use of a knife and fork or your ability to text when drunk, then flying a kite surely has to be the perfect practice. Keep the kite in the air, without the strings tangling, without taking out another kite and without walking off the edge of the cliff. The results will be incredible. Don’t believe me? Well, you try using a knife and fork at the foot of the Beachy Head.

6. Chat-up Technique. If you see someone you like flying their kite, all you have to do is ‘accidentally’ run towards them and take their kite out with yours. Or, if you think they’ll provide you with a soft landing, just take them out. The next step is to be apologetic and, before you know it, you’ll be off on a date to the nearest kite repair store. Or the hospital.

7. Watch Retriever. You’ve probably never thought of this, but next time a magpie flies off with your watch, get the kite out. If you are quick enough you can chase after the pesky thing and capture it. Much more bird friendly than a shotgun.

*I might have been watching Lost a bit too much.

May 19, 2010
7 Reasons That The Ash Cloud Is Just Taking The Piss Now

1. Time. The eruption of Eyjafjallajökull was on the 14^th of April and news of the eruption emerged three days later, when newsreaders had finally mastered saying “Eyjafjallajökull”. It’s now the 12^th of May, so that’s almost a month that the cloud’s been menacing Europe for. A month is a long time: It’s a long time in politics; it’s a long time in sport; it’s a long time in Tipperary, and it’s a bloody long time for a cloud of ash to be hanging around, cocking the whole of Europe up. Enough!

The Route Taken By The Ash Cloud

2. Movement. The cloud is just floating about, apparently at random. Its course is seemingly unaffected by the weather and meteorologists can’t predict where it will go to next. I’ve plotted the cloud’s movement over the last few weeks and here’s the result. Just look at it! It’s a doodle. I might as well have commissioned a two year old boy to draw it with a wax crayon, but I didn’t. I did it properly, using Photoshop. The cloud’s making me look like an idiot. And I’m not even married to it.

3. Light. The cloud – when it is between the ground and the sun – apparently blocks out some sunlight. I’m terrified it’s going to turn up near me. I live in Yorkshire and can’t afford to see any less sun; I can already light up a room just by removing my clothes. If I were any paler I’d be a hazard to aircraft – assuming there were any flying, that is. It’s bound to turn up here sooner or later, it’s already been everywhere else. Even Lancashire.

4. Not Dissipating. Three weeks ago, after the cloud passed over the North-West of England, my friend Roger found an ashy residue on his car. We would logically assume that debris from the cloud was dropped on many cars (and on other things), not just his. But the cloud hasn’t shrunk, which means that it’s either capable of self-regeneration, or it’s persecuting Roger. Either way, that’s bad form.

5. Portugal. It’s not just Roger that the cloud’s persecuting. It’s Portugal. I have friends who were stuck there on holiday for an extra week until, finally, the cloud went off to Scotland and they were able to fly back. Another friend was due to fly out to Lisbon this week, but the cloud has decided to go back to Portugal, so he can’t. I don’t know why the cloud is tormenting the Portugese – the French have probably already surrendered to it – but it does seem a little unfair. Perhaps it tasted a glass of Mateus Rose and it’s holding a grudge.

6. The News Agenda. The cloud’s keeping important stories out of the news. I’ve only just found out that there was some sort of election and that we’ve got a new government. Who knew?

7. Air. I’m beginning to suspect that the cloud is sentient – after all, it couldn’t have caused any more chaos if it were conducting a meticulously planned campaign. I’m also beginning to worry that it’s evil. Think about it, the last person that tried to hamper British air efficacy and caused large-scale movement of people around Europe by land was Hitler. We need to act now!

May 12, 2010