7 Reasons That The Ash Cloud Is Just Taking The Piss Now
1. Time. The eruption of Eyjafjallajökull was on the 14th of April and news of the eruption emerged three days later, when newsreaders had finally mastered saying “Eyjafjallajökull”. It’s now the 12th of May, so that’s almost a month that the cloud’s been menacing Europe for. A month is a long time: It’s a long time in politics; it’s a long time in sport; it’s a long time in Tipperary, and it’s a bloody long time for a cloud of ash to be hanging around, cocking the whole of Europe up. Enough!
2. Movement. The cloud is just floating about, apparently at random. Its course is seemingly unaffected by the weather and meteorologists can’t predict where it will go to next. I’ve plotted the cloud’s movement over the last few weeks and here’s the result. Just look at it! It’s a doodle. I might as well have commissioned a two year old boy to draw it with a wax crayon, but I didn’t. I did it properly, using Photoshop. The cloud’s making me look like an idiot. And I’m not even married to it.
3. Light. The cloud – when it is between the ground and the sun – apparently blocks out some sunlight. I’m terrified it’s going to turn up near me. I live in Yorkshire and can’t afford to see any less sun; I can already light up a room just by removing my clothes. If I were any paler I’d be a hazard to aircraft – assuming there were any flying, that is. It’s bound to turn up here sooner or later, it’s already been everywhere else. Even Lancashire.
4. Not Dissipating. Three weeks ago, after the cloud passed over the North-West of England, my friend Roger found an ashy residue on his car. We would logically assume that debris from the cloud was dropped on many cars (and on other things), not just his. But the cloud hasn’t shrunk, which means that it’s either capable of self-regeneration, or it’s persecuting Roger. Either way, that’s bad form.
5. Portugal. It’s not just Roger that the cloud’s persecuting. It’s Portugal. I have friends who were stuck there on holiday for an extra week until, finally, the cloud went off to Scotland and they were able to fly back. Another friend was due to fly out to Lisbon this week, but the cloud has decided to go back to Portugal, so he can’t. I don’t know why the cloud is tormenting the Portugese – the French have probably already surrendered to it – but it does seem a little unfair. Perhaps it tasted a glass of Mateus Rose and it’s holding a grudge.
6. The News Agenda. The cloud’s keeping important stories out of the news. I’ve only just found out that there was some sort of election and that we’ve got a new government. Who knew?
7. Air. I’m beginning to suspect that the cloud is sentient – after all, it couldn’t have caused any more chaos if it were conducting a meticulously planned campaign. I’m also beginning to worry that it’s evil. Think about it, the last person that tried to hamper British air efficacy and caused large-scale movement of people around Europe by land was Hitler. We need to act now!