Tag: driving

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why It’s Still A Great Idea To Pass Your Driving Test

The recession seems to be driving many of the UK’s learner drivers off the road. A recent news item carried by the BBC reported that the number of 17 to 22-year-olds undergoing a driving test has dropped by 19 per cent over the last seven years. In the spirit of encouraging the much-beleaguered motoring industry, here is a list of seven good reasons why taking and passing your driving test is still a highly advantageous thing to do.

via http://www.flickr.com/photos/kenjonbro/6406750887/

1. Confidence. Former Prime minister Margaret Thatcher was once quoted as saying, “Any man who rides a bus to work after the age of 30 can count himself as a failure in life.” While the quote is very harsh, it is certainly true that driving can give you confidence. Pass your test and you can feel proud that you have a great skill under your belt. And when the L-Plates come off you have the option of taking the car or catching a bus into work without Mrs Thatcher’s cruel words ringing in your ears.

2. Career Opportunities. Many jobs – taxi driving, breakdown recovery and chauffeuring included – can only be done by a person with a good, clean driving licence. Stating that you can drive looks great on your CV and, with less people taking their driving test, there could soon be a gap in the market for applicants who can drive. See taking your driving test as an investment – something which could one day land you a dream job.

3. Comfort. Have you ever been waiting for a bus on a rainy day when a car has driven past and splashed you with a puddle? Trust me; it’s a feeling which makes you feel like you’ve had sand kicked in your face. To travel by public transport is to throw yourself at the mercy of the elements. When you drive your own vehicle you can be the master of your own fate and have your own personal space. Anyone who has been on a bus with an empty lager can rolling down the aisle while passengers play loud music or engage in loud phone conversations knows they are not truly in control of their environment the way they are in their own car.

4. Safety. It’s a general rule of thumb that the longer you spend behind the wheel the better you will be as a driver. The sooner you pass your test the sooner you will become a more skilled, and safe, driver.

5. Options. Driving gives you more options. You don’t have to worry about catching that last bus home. You can go for a drive to a friend’s house on Christmas Day when there is no public transport in operation. And you can visit an out-of-town IKEA store without having to worry about lugging home flat-pack furniture. You can also have the option of being generous with your driving time – giving lifts to family and loved ones who bestowed the same favour on you before you learned to drive.

6. Rites Of Passage. Passing your driving test is a modern rite of passage. Ripping up your L-Plates is just a great feeling – like the moment when you discard your water-wings or take the stabilisers off your first bike. Even if you can’t afford to drive as soon as you pass your test, it’s a great skill to have up your sleeve.

7. Driving For Pleasure. Driving for pleasure might seem like a strange activity. Surely only High School students in American films cruise around the streets for fun with no destination in mind? It’s about time the forgotten art of driving for the sake of enjoyment is revived. So wind down the sunroof, head out on to a country road and get in touch with one of modern life’s most under-rated pleasures.

Author Bio: James Christie writes for breakdown cover company – GEM Motoring Assist.

March 22, 2012
7 Reasons That It Should Be Impossible to Drive Into The Sea

This year, there have been eight incidents of motorists being rescued from the sea near Holy Island. But it just seems completely impossible that this can happen. Here are seven reasons why.

This isn’t possible.

1. There’s A Bloody Great Sign. As you approach the causeway to Holy Island, there’s a sign. It tells you not to drive across to the island when water approaches the causeway. It’s a big, yellow sign, and it’s big and yellow because big, yellow things are highly visible. Can you see the sun? Yes? That’s because it’s a big, yellow thing. Just like the sign that tells you not to drive into the sea.

Can you see this?

2. It’s Called Holy Island. What’s in a name? Well, in this case, there’s a hint as to the nature of the place to which these people were headed. There’s the word Holy, which means tread carefully, and the word Island, which is a declaration that this is a place that is cut off from the mainland somehow; most likely by water. If I were going to an island, I’d expect water. And, hopefully, an ice cream.

3. You Have To Drive Along A Causeway. A causeway is a raised road that crosses marshy ground or water. Now I understand that not everyone knows this and, indeed, there was a time in my life that I didn’t know what a causeway was. And then, when I was seven, that all changed and I learned that word. Now, given that you have to be at least seventeen to drive a car is this possible? Are there people over the age of seventeen in this country that are unfamiliar with the either the word island or the word causeway? There can’t be.

4. Another Sign. Perhaps I’m wrong when I assume that these inadvertent submariners were approaching Holy Island. Perhaps these hapless buffoons were leaving it. But maybe I’m being harsh and these people were just a tiny bit muddled and forgetful. But no, they can’t be, because there are more signs; signs to warn those people that are about to drive across the causeway for a second time. Big, yellow signs and different signs too. Signs that tell you to consult a tide table if you’re in any doubt as to whether you should attempt to drive across the sea.

5. Tide Table. But telling people to consult a tide table isn’t overly helpful, is it? After all, who keeps a tide table in their glove-box? And, come to think of it, who keeps gloves in their glove-box? Why isn’t is known as the half a pocket pack of tissues and the charger for a phone-box?* Anyway it’s conceivable that people won’t have a tide table on them so perhaps, once again, I’m judging them too harshly. But…

…oh look, there it is. That wasn’t too hard to find after all. Are these foundering fuckwits an early indication that humans are reverting to apes?

6. Boats. Britain is an Island. And, because of our glorious seafaring history, it will be apparent to anyone with even a modicum of an education or cognitive function that, to cross the sea, you need a boat. Did Nelson fight the battle of Trafalgar on a horse? Was Hitler able to drive his panzers across the sea in 1941? Did Sir Francis Drake sally forth to dispatch the armada at the wheel of a Nissan Micra? No. This is because you can’t drive in the sea. That is a widely known and commonly accepted truth.

7. Other Nations. I’m assuming that these shipwrecked simpletons are British though. But there are other nationalities that have done this too. Because in the latest incident in which motorists had to be rescued from the sea by a lifeboat near Holy Island (and who wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall for that conversation?) they weren’t British at all. And I suppose that it’s quite conceivable that if you were from a landlocked nation and weren’t familiar with the English language that it would be possible for you to inadvertently get caught out on the causeway. So which landlocked non-English-speaking land with no absolutely no history of seafaring did these people come from? Australia.

It’s not possible that people are driving into the sea, but they are. How? Why? Answers on a postcard please.

*That’s a charger for a phone, not a charger for a phone-box.

June 20, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Boys Are Better Than Girls

Just over a year ago you may remember Natalie Clifford gave us 7 Reasons Why Women Are Better Than Men. And, for a year, we have let the fairer sex have their moment. Mainly because no one dared argue differently. That is until one man decided to step forward. That man is brave. That man is the writer of The Memory Blog. That man is Richard O’Hagan. Today Richard sits on the edge of the 7 Reasons sofa – in an undisclosed location – ready to readdress the balance. Here, in his words, are seven reasons boys are better than girls.

The idea for this post came to me one Sunday evening. I was stood there doing the ironing and utterly failing to come up with any ideas for my own website when the sight of my wife preparing my dinner* made me think, “Being a boy is so much better than being a girl.”**

And then I thought, “I wonder if those nice chaps at 7 Reasons would be interested in a guest post which might actually increase their site traffic, even if all of the new hits are from angry feminazis?”

So here you have it – 7 Reasons Why Boys Are Better Than Girls, and one which hopefully avoids all the tired old suggestions such as ‘being able to pee standing up’*** and ‘not leaking like a BP oil well once a month’.

1. Self-Awareness. Boys are simply more self aware than girls are. Boys know that once they have got out of bed in the morning, that is pretty much as good as they are going to look for the rest of the day. A quick wash and brush up, maybe a shave (according to personal and religious preferences) and that is it. We don’t spend time applying many different layers of make-up, or agonising over what to wear that day, because we know we’d only be trying to fool ourselves. And this then leads to…

2. Lower Expectations. Everyone knows I am going to show up to any given event looking like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards. I’ve been perfecting the look for years and I know that there is as much point trying to get me to look smart as there is in giving Pompeii a quick dusting. If you don’t spend your life trying to look as if you have just strolled in off the pages of a fashion magazine then no-one expects you to look like that.

3. Less Gullible. Let us not beat around the bush here. Boys are less gullible than girls. No-one has ever convinced us that nylon – a material which unravels as soon as you look at it – is a suitable covering for our legs. No-one has ever convinced us that we need to chuck out a quarter of our clothing every three months because “that’s so last spring/summer/autum/winter”. And no-one has ever convinced us to wear beige simply by renaming it ‘taupe’****.

4. Cats. The phrase is ‘Crazy Cat Lady’. No-one ever said ‘Crazy Cat Man’ (well, not without being so stoned that they think it is still the 1960s) and no man has ever been found dead and alone in a feline infested flat, with the moggies feasting upon his decaying flesh. Being a girl means developing a strange attracting to furry four-legged gits.

5. Shoes. Boys wear sensible shoes. Shoes you can run in (see reason 7). Shoes you can walk in. Shoes which are comfortable. Girls, on the other hand, think that shoes mean some towering edifice which makes perambulation almost impossible and painful toes a part of daily life. Moreover, being a girl means that you feel the need to spend roughly the Gross National Product of Namibia on acquiring more uncomfortable shoes than you could ever need even if you lived for six lifetimes. Boys have one pair of shoes, wear them until they wear out, then buy another pair; Girls have eleventy million pairs of shoes, wear some of them, then chuck them out and start all over again twelve months later (see reason three)*****.

6. Driving. Cars were simply not designed for girls. This is no slight upon the perceived lack of driving ability among females, it is a fact. The basic design of the car began with the male physique in mind and hasn’t altered. Girls have proportionately longer legs and shorter bodies than boys. If cars were designed for them they would have deeper footwells, lower dashboards and no doubt many other female-friendly alterations (a lipstick holder or something). No car has yet been made like this, not even the Mazda MX-5, a car no male with a molecule of testosterone in his body would be seen dead driving.

7. Running. Running makes boys look manly, as if they are hunting down prey or chasing a foe. When girls run they always look like they are attempting to do a very fast Charleston whilst simultaneously going in the opposite direction. Something which I shall now demonstrate by running away from this angry horde of feminazis******.

*She was not cooking because I am some kind of raving sexist monster, she was cooking because the local crematorium cannot keep pace with the after-effects if I cook.

**This was after the umpteenth interruption to reach down something from the middle shelf of our kitchen cupboards, a task I perform willingly but whilst wondering what the use of a kitchen cupboard is if 50% of the users cannot reach beyond the salt and pepper storage level*******

***I once heard the occasionally-funny Sandi Toksvig claim that women didn’t regard this as an essential skill. Try telling that to the female attendees at any large outdoor event.

****Moreover, the invention of ‘taupe’ had a detrimental effect upon the men of the world, as by the million they were denied Bouncy Bedroom Fun by their female partners after exclaiming “Taupe? Looks like beige to me, love”

*****For the avoidance of doubt, my wife is not a typical girl. At least in this respect.

******There is no reason for this set of asterisks. In addition to alienating 51% of the world’s population, I wanted to break the ‘most asterisks in a post’ record

*******There are other things as well as salt and pepper on that level, obviously. Or will be, right up to the point where my wife reads this and throws them at me

March 26, 2011
7 Reasons To Embrace Christmas Traffic Jams

Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as a Christmas traffic jam, in the same way as there is no such thing as a Christmas turkey, but you know what I mean. Which is just as well, because if I had used ‘7 Reasons To Embrace The Traffic Jams You Experience While Travelling Somewhere For Christmas’ both of you may have decided not to read. I’m glad you have though, because I have importance to impart on you. If you are travelling this Christmas, this is the most helpful thing you will read this half-hour.

1. In-Laws. If you are very lucky, your in-laws, or – if you are sans wedding-ring – your partner’s family, will be normal. This is fairly uncommon however, so we shall assume that the in-laws are a weird bunch. The mother-in-law smokes a pipe and keeps singing sea shanties and the father-in-law insists on wearing novelty ties and very little else. That type of weird. The type of weird that means you want to spend as little time in their company as possible over Christmas. The type of weird that makes traffic jams seem like a little piece of heaven.*

2. Christmas Playlist. Unless you really are a Scrooge (or deaf), Christmas songs evoke the festive spirit. And no one can tell me that after listening to Wham! and Chris Rea over and over and over and over and over again you’re not going to be in the mood for mulled wine. And beer. And brandy. And anything else that might numb the pain.

3. Excuses. Despite having 364 days to buy your loved one a present, you seem to have forgotten to buy one. This means you need a damn good excuse. And to think of a damn good excuse you need time. And time comes with traffic jams. Lots of them. By the time you get to your destination, your loved one will be too tired and relieved to care about presents. Which gives you time to whip down to B&Q.

4. Traditional Games. What with the advent of Game Boys and Game Gears and PSPs, the traditional in car entertainment was shelved. Mammoth games of ‘i-Spy’ and ‘I Went On My Holidays…’ were swapped for games featuring a hedgehog called Sonic and a footballer who looked like Shrek. Christmas traffic jams are the perfect opportunity to relive those golden days. A chance to remember those simpler times. Times where the use of the brain was more important than the use of the thumbs. Admittedly, i-Spy will only last until someone has guessed BOOORRRIIINNNGGG!!! but, despite someone not quite understanding the joys of the game, it will be fun while it lasts. Honest.

5. Scenery. Ever wanted to see Slough look pretty? Get stuck there in the snow. It’s your only hope.

6. Accents. Have you ever wondered what people sound like in the area you are driving through? No, probably not. That’s because you are driving through them. But what if you are stuck in them? No, probably not. But you should. Because it will open your eyes to the world around you. And you don’t need to do it by winding down the window and freezing to death. Just tune in to the local radio station. If you are lucky they’ll be interviewing someone who thought they had grown a six-foot cucumber only to discover it was in fact a marrow. And that never happens where you live.

7. Challenge. Despite what we are encouraging here, we know no one likes sitting in a traffic jam and, given the opportunity, they will find a way of getting out of it. Which is where the road map comes in handy. I can’t think of anything more rewarding than plotting a way out of a jam and then executing it perfectly. Especially if you set yourself a time limit and pretend you are being chased by members of the KGB. Such circumstances can turn pain and despair into exhilaration and triumph. And is a case in itself for joining a jam if you see one. We’ll see you in there.

*I would just like to point out that I am very lucky. Despite their annoying habit of making me look a very average tennis player, my girlfriend’s parents are a delight.**

**No, I am not just saying this. How cynical of you.

December 20, 2010
7 Reasons I Failed My Driving Test

In the year 2000, I took my driving test. Twice. I failed. Twice. When people asked what I did wrong, I said I drove out in front of another car at a roundabout and drove too close to a parked car. In truth though, it was worse. Much worse.

1. As far as I am concerned, if a sign tells me to undertake all red cars I will do so. Even if it means chasing the git all the way to Bradford.

2. I am not sure what my test instructor was more perturbed by, the fact that I refused to go along this road or because I told her, ‘Sorry love, you must be over 60. Can’t take you down here.’

3. It’s not my fault it looks like a bottle.

4. I am not sure whether it was me trying to forcefully remove her bra or just the sight of me wearing it that got to my instructor, but either way she put an X on her bit of paper.

5. How was I supposed to know this didn’t mean, ‘wield your iron age mallet at all other drivers’?

6. In my defence, it had been a long time since I had played with my wooden dagger.

7. I rather suspect if I hadn’t taken Viagra that morning I would have got away with this one. As it was, I couldn’t see where I was going.

August 16, 2010
7 Reasons To Replace Your Car With A Tank

1. Parking. Parking a tank is easy. You can park it wherever you like. You’re not going to damage it by clipping other vehicles – unless replacing your car with a tank catches on – and you’re not going to get a ticket for parking it illegally. This is because (unlike cars) tanks don’t have windscreen wipers, which is where traffic wardens put parking tickets. They can’t clamp you either, and your local traffic wardens probably won’t have a tank trap – if you live outside central London, that is.

2. Camouflage. Many tanks come with camouflage paintwork which – if, unlike me, you can spell the word “camouflage” correctly on your tank order form – is great. This means that you don’t have to look at the unsightly tank parked outside your house. You can also have many hours of fun by parking it in your driveway and watching the postman walk into it.

The unsuspecting postman, a split-second before the big surprise.

3. McDonalds. McDonalds is a popular fast-food outlet. There are thousands and thousands of them. You can only drive your car through a few of them though. But when you have a tank, every branch of McDonalds is potentially a drive-through branch. Feel free to do that, even if you’re not hungry.

4. Traffic. You may be surprised to learn that I’m not an expert on military hardware. One thing I do know though, is that all tanks come with a long pointy-tool at the front. It’s a fantastic feature that cuts down on road-congestion superbly. You just point it at things – pedestrians, aircraft, cyclists, other vehicles – and they move out of the way. Quickly! You may even end up with the whole road to yourself.

5. The school run. You know the game they play outside the school gates – the one where parents compete to see who can turn up in the largest, least appropriate vehicle for manoeuvring in an environment that contains small children? In a tank, you’re the winner. Unless, that is, another parent turns up with larger, more incongruous vehicle like an aircraft carrier or a Hummer.

6. Continental motoring holidays. Driving in Europe can be a stressful business, but not in a tank. In a tank you don’t have to fear Italian traffic, you don’t have to drive at a million miles-per-hour on the Autobahn and you don’t have to drive on the wrong side of the road – or even on the road at all. When driving through France you’ll find that entire towns and villages will come out to greet you offering kisses, bearing cheese and wine, throwing petals and waving drapeaux blanc. This is their instinctive reaction to the arrival of a tank, do not be alarmed.

7. Fuel. Tanks are very un-economical and their fuel-consumption can often be measured in gallons-per-mile, but don’t worry. When you replace your car with a tank you may find that you’ll spend less money on fuel. After all, Shell Petrol Station is not a request and they’ll probably let you fill up for nothing. They may even throw in a pasty and some Air Miles.

March 29, 2010
7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

1. Eating. Eating would be better with an extra hand. Young love-struck couples would be able to eat properly and hold hands at the same time. More established couples would be able to eat properly and repel the advances of their chip-stealing spouse at the same time. Old couples would be able to eat properly and take their pills at the same time. Single people would be able to use all of the cutlery at once.

2. Driving. Driving would be safer if we all had an extra hand. The sort of idiots who use their phone or apply make-up while driving would now be able to do it with their extra hand. Obviously there will be people who would now believe that they can drive with one hand while applying make-up with the second and using their phone with the third. Don’t fret too much about this though. You will be able to use your extra hand to take down their registration number or to gesticulate at them. I shall be using my extra hand to thump my nemesis – the sat-nav. Jennifer Aniston will use her extra hand to touch her hair while driving, while Michael Buble will use his to point.

3. Jugglers. If we all had an extra hand then those smug gits, jugglers, would look silly with their antiquated and inefficient action and the rest of us could taunt them by languidly tossing three things about at once. Hopefully this would cause them to realise they are pointless idiots.

4. Sex. As an Englishman I can’t write about sex without resorting to euphemism. Suffice it to say that with two extra hands couples could simultaneously mash the creamy anvil, startle the somnambulant vicar and unfetter the slobbery lobster. The new tri-sexuality is going to be great!

5. Economy. If we had a third hand the global recession would end*. The clothing industry would be revitalised by having to manufacture extra sleeves and gloves as would agriculture, as we would need a third more sheep, silk and cotton. There would be a boom in making your own clothes as knitting would become much easier and quicker, thus optimising the efficiency of your grandma. It would also require the manufacture of 33.3% more knitting needles. The decimal system would also be replaced as we would find it simpler to calculate things in fifteens. The new quindecimal system would require the manufacture of lots of new signs and equipment. All of this extra manufacturing would cause a global economic boom. The quindecimal system would also cause 7 Reasons to become 10.5 Reasons, which would make two grown men cry.

6. Italians. Italians gesticulate a lot while they talk and are effortlessly cool. With an extra hand they will be able to gesticulate, smoke, drink, look cool, ride a Vespa and eat an ice cream at the same time. They do that now, of course, they’ll just be better at it.

7. Jewellery. With an extra hand, women will be able to wear more rings and bracelets. This will cause them to buy a lot more of them too, leading to an increase in the number of “white lies” told to husbands. Men will wear a second watch with built-in functions other than time-telling: A small television, a compass, a torch, a screwdriver and an extinguisher for their wife’s pants will all be common features.

*Strangely, there is a total lack of research or data available to support this claim.

January 27, 2010