In the year 2000, I took my driving test. Twice. I failed. Twice. When people asked what I did wrong, I said I drove out in front of another car at a roundabout and drove too close to a parked car. In truth though, it was worse. Much worse.
1. As far as I am concerned, if a sign tells me to undertake all red cars I will do so. Even if it means chasing the git all the way to Bradford.
2. I am not sure what my test instructor was more perturbed by, the fact that I refused to go along this road or because I told her, ‘Sorry love, you must be over 60. Can’t take you down here.’
3. It’s not my fault it looks like a bottle.
4. I am not sure whether it was me trying to forcefully remove her bra or just the sight of me wearing it that got to my instructor, but either way she put an X on her bit of paper.
5. How was I supposed to know this didn’t mean, ‘wield your iron age mallet at all other drivers’?
6. In my defence, it had been a long time since I had played with my wooden dagger.
7. I rather suspect if I hadn’t taken Viagra that morning I would have got away with this one. As it was, I couldn’t see where I was going.
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