Tag: children

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Almost Everyone Should Keep Chickens

Dads are an interesting bunch. They’re either absent; or they’re present in body but absent in any meaningful way (such as when you want a lift to a dodgy club no parent worthy of the title would ever take their 17-year-old, much less drop off a block away so the teenager in question wouldn’t have to be seen with their totally embarrassing dad); or they care deeply about the fortunate position they’re in and want to bestow upon their children gems of wisdom. Gems like, “You could feed the world on chickens and zucchini. If everyone just kept chickens and grew zucchini, world hunger would cease.”

Like I said, interesting.

In honour of Father’s Day – and now that I am 36 years old and living 4,000 miles away from my bonkers old man – I can concede that fathers sometimes do know best. At least when it comes to solving life’s little problems, like world hunger. So as a tribute to my dad, here are 7 reasons why almost everyone should keep chickens.

1. Chickens + zucchini = starvation solved! In a nutshell, the theory is this: chickens are inexpensive, easy to keep and don’t take up much space. They produce eggs, which you can eat, and if you can tolerate a noisy cockerel, they’ll also keep producing chickens, which you also can eat. Zucchini, otherwise known as courgette, operates in much the same way. Cheap, self-sufficient, produces loads. Mind you, no one actually likes to eat zucchini, but shred it in with some eggs (and other stuff) and you can make the world’s greatest cake. Fact.

2. Got weeds? Hate cutting the grass? Get chickens and they’ll do all the work for you. What’s more, they’ll actually enjoy doing it for you. Let’s not kid ourselves that chickens are anything like pets, because they’re not. They’re skittish instead of cuddly, they sometimes get mites (which are gross) and they’re incredibly stupid. So stupid, in fact, that their world revolves around scratching up worms and picking at weeds. Chickens are like vacuum cleaners for the garden, except that they…

3. …poo everywhere. This is one aspect that chicken enthusiasts will always gloss over. Yes it’s lovely to see a smattering of colourful hens blissfully pecking about in your garden, but the price you pay is in poo. On the upside, the stinky stuff is so rich in nutrients that it will keep your zucchini plants growing fat and happy without any weird chemical frankenfertilisers.

4. I’ve yet to meet a kid who willingly eats the crusts of bread, but do you know who will? That’s right. As well as being squawking, pooing, mite-infested simpletons, chickens have another thing going for them: they will eat anything your kids won’t, including eggs and eggshells. But not actual chicken-meat byproducts, which would just be gross and cruel, even if they’d be too dumb to know the difference.

5. Also, kiddies love chickens. Collecting eggs is like finding a little present every day. Feeding chickens gives children a sense of responsibility and compassion, or at least it keeps them out of your hair for five minutes. Better yet, let your kids have some fluffy chicks. Just don’t tell them they’ll probably get eaten someday (the chickens, not the kids.)

6. Everybody loves eggs. Therefore your popularity will be guaranteed every time you nonchalantly offer a free half-dozen to your mates. No one has to know it’s because the thought of one more omelette is enough to send you rushing for the laxatives.

7. Chickens in knitwear. This phenomenon is beyond my powers of sarcasm, you just have to appreciate it for yourselves.

June 3, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Child Will Learn More History In Spain Than School

We all remember history lessons, don’t we? Falling asleep at the back of the class while a droning teacher with all the inspiration of a brick tried to stimulate some interest in the War of the Spanish Succession, or the Defenestration of Prague? Spain has such a rich and varied history that it provides the ideal canvas for a child’s mind, making dry-as-dust stuff about the past really come alive.

Family holidays here are a relaxed affair, with welcoming hosts, good food and accessible, scenic roads. Car hire in Spain is affordable and easily arranged, and there’s an enormous range of cultural festivals and events on throughout the year, making this the perfect destination for a trip learning about Europe’s past and present without it feeling like a lesson at all.

Alcazar of Segovia – via tripsgeek.com

1. A unique cultural mix. Spain was the battleground for Christian kingdoms of the north and Moorish Caliphates of the south, who slogged it out for centuries until 1492, when the Christians captured Granada. Across Spain there’s a fabulous mix of Gothic and Arabic in the architecture – a lesson in how multiculturalism can transform and beautify the landscape of any country.

2. Castles and battles. The phrase ‘Castles in Spain’ may refer to unrealistic daydreams, but Spain really does have some of the most magical and dreamlike castles in Europe. The Alcazar of Segovia was the model for Disney’s Magic Kingdom, a soaring confection of turrets and towers that would make the perfect backdrop for any medieval make-believe.

3. Extravagant festivals. Every village, town and city across Spain has its festivals, and these are usually noisy and colourful occasions. The week leading up to Easter is especially atmospheric, with candle-lit processions through the streets to churches and cathedrals to mark Holy Week. At the other extreme, at the Tomatina in Valencia in August thousands of people spend three days pelting each other with tomatoes.

4. Gaudi’s experimental cathedral. There’s no other cathedral in the world quite like Gaudi’s Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. It has seven spires for a start, and looks nothing like the staid and brooding cathedrals you find elsewhere in Europe. The ‘warped Gothic’ architecture makes it look like it’s melting in the heat, and bright mosaics reflect the sun like bowls of Caribbean fruit. Eat your heart out, Cologne!

5. What the Romans did for everyone. Spain was an important Roman province, and in fact the first non-Roman emperor, Trajan, was born here. Roman remains litter the Spanish landscape and one of the most awesome is the great aqueduct of Segovia. Of course, bath houses were never far away either – when not wiping out all opposition, the legionnaires liked nothing better than a good, manly scrub.

6. Gardens of the Alhambra. The Moors tended to enjoy cool fountains and shaded gardens, and in the Alhambra at Granada you can see that they and their northern Christian counterparts were as different as chalk and cheese when it came to relaxing and enjoying the finer things in life. On the other hand they did end up being kicked out, so there’s a lesson there somewhere.

7. Flamenco. Flamenco, the Spanish national dance, comes from the Arabs and is characterised by mad passions, obsessive jealousy and barely suppressed lust – history in a nutshell. The rhythmic, aggressive stamping takes enormous stamina, and wielding lethal castanets without doing serious damage is a great skill. Just watching a performance can leave you completely exhausted and ready for a tapas and a large glass of chilled Torres Milmanda Chardonnay.

About the author: David Elliott is a freelance writer who loves to travel, especially in Europe and Turkey. He’s spent most of his adult life in a state of restless excitement but recently decided to settle in North London. He gets away whenever he can to immerse himself in foreign cultures and lap up the history of great cities.

February 28, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On A UK Family Holiday

Everyone loves a good old British family holiday. I have many happy memories of days wasting my pocket money in arcades (apart from one traumatic moment when I dropped my pound coin straight through a gap in the pier, much to my sister’s amusement) and chasing AWOL camping equipment around windy Devonshire camp sites. In all seriousness, there are some fantastic family holidays in the UK, and hotels which provide real luxury and entertainment for both adults and children. With that in mind, here are 7 good reasons to holiday in Britain this year.

1. Your children probably won’t get eaten by a shark. You will be relieved to know that very few people have been eaten by sharks in British waters.

2. You can legitimately moan about the weather. It’s nice to moan about the heat when you’re abroad, but it’s always tinged with guilt because you’ve been moaning about the rain all year at home. Holidaying in the UK means you can start to complain about the weather as soon as you know you’ll be in Britain all summer and continue to complain about it when you’re back, knowing you’ll receive sympathy from fellow suffering Brits.

3. You can buy a normal sized loaf of bread. There is often a distinct lack of average sliced bread in Europe outside of the UK. I enjoy a baguette as much as the next person, but sometimes you feel as though you need to give your mouth a rest from the crust aerobics (a potential hit on Dragons’ Den?) it has endured.

4. You don’t have to learn another language. Unless you’re going to Somerset, in which case you might need a translator in some circumstances.

5. You don’t have to change your money. The customary trip to the Post Office is probably one of my least favourite parts of preparing to travel abroad. You suddenly have to start worrying about exchange rates and markets and buying and selling. Consequently I usually end up taking five times what I need in Euros, worrying the whole holiday that it will be stolen from my bag, and then forgetting to convert the rest of it back when I’m home.

6. It can be nice. We Brits get a fair bit of flack about our excessive drinking, repressed (or too under-repressed) sexuality, and unhealthy desire to start up a queue wherever possible. But I’m going to stick up for us here. We are lucky to live on a beautiful island with a long and varied history and probably the coolest capital city in the world. Tourists flock here because there’s loads to see; maybe we should be making the most of it too.

7. It’s not far to get home. By the time you all want to murder each other at the end (just my family?), at least you know it’s not going to involve a 4 hour wait for a delayed plane while your dad dances with a Turkish belly dancer in the airport shop (definitely just my family).

Katherine likes to a get a feel for the history of the places she visits, and seeks out the bits which reveal something about the culture in different areas of the globe. She has travelled in four different continents and is looking forward to exploring the rest.

August 26, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need To Volunteer Abroad

If you are coming to the end of your studies, most of you will soon be busy checking job websites, scanning the local papers and trying to find that perfect first position. However, given the tough economic climate, more and more young people are finding it tough to get a job at all – let alone find the perfect one.

With that in mind, here’s seven reasons why we think now’s the right time to volunteer abroad.

1. You Develop As A Person. By far and away the biggest benefit to you by volunteering abroad is that you yourself will develop as a person. You will meet people from across the world you’re unlikely to have met if you’d stayed at home. You’ll develop skills and nurture friendships that will last a lifetime, and once you return you will have stories to tell. Whatever it is you do, you will develop into a more well-rounded person.

2. You See The World. By volunteering abroad you can choose the country which you’ve always dreamed of visiting. You could go to Africa and work in an orphanage, visit India and deliver life-saving medication to slum dwellers or work on a conservation project saving turtles in South America. Whatever you do or wherever you go, seeing majestic mountains or crystal clear seas is by far and away more appealing than a rainy Redditch.

3. You Change Lives. One of the major benefits of volunteering abroad is to change lives. By volunteering abroad the time and effort you give on your project will make a difference to peoples’ lives. For example, if you help dig a well for a water pipe, it could keep a village stocked with clean drinking water for years. Even if your volunteering work is just looking after children, the time you spend volunteering will help – it all adds up.

4. You View A Culture From The Inside. By spending time in a country different from the one you grew up in, you will be given a unique learning experience by interacting with a new culture. You may learn a new language, try new foods, have to dress differently. Wherever it is you go you will view a culture from the inside – helping to challenge proposed “norms” and making you a more well-rounded person.

5. You Meet New People. You will not be alone when you volunteer abroad. For years you have probably surrounded yourself with the same friends and same family members, without branching out and meeting new people. What could be better than jetting off abroad and interacting with people from all four corners of the world? People who work abroad make friends for life – and, with the advent of Facebook, keeping in touch with them and reminiscing about the time you spent together is easier than ever.

6. You Can Influence Your Future Career. You might have spent years studying accountancy. You may know everything there is to know about English Literature. But two weeks spent abroad helping orphans afflicted by AIDS can put it all into perspective. You may come back and decide you don’t want to photocopy spreadsheets or write email marketing newsletters for a company which sells lawnmowers. Volunteering abroad really can influence your future career.

7. You Boost Your CV. But finally, the biggest benefit for volunteering abroad is that it will boost your CV. Jobs nowadays are few and far between. Spend a few weeks abroad making a difference to people’s lives, meeting new people, trying new things and having new experiences and you will have something to put on your CV which stands out. You will not only stand out from the competition when you go for an interview, you’ll be showing prospective employers you’re motivated, you’ve got guts and interpersonal skills far and above your peers.

Author Bio: Original Volunteers is a provider of voluntary work opportunities across the world. For information on how you can work abroad please visit the website.

May 3, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Take Part In The Next Fancy Dress Marathon

For most people, the mere idea of running a 26-mile marathon is liable to induce feelings of discomfort and possibly a little unwanted sweating. But to do it dressed as a giant vegetable? That’s just silly. So why do people do it?

1. Fun. Fancy dress is undoubtedly fun. Whether hiring costumes from a shop or assembling them DIY-style, the possibilities are almost endless. Runners have appeared as superheroes, vehicles, plants, planets and beasts of all shapes and sizes.

On the day, the camaraderie between those in fancy dress makes the experience highly enjoyable. The crowds always give an extra cheer for those who’ve made an effort. The fancy dress crew provide a much-needed antidote to the frowning seriousness of the professional runners.

2. Charity. Many marathons require that runners raise a certain amount of money for charity in order to enter. Unfortunately, with the global economy in exceedingly poor shape, it’s harder than ever to convince people to donate. Research has shown that people are far more likely to give to charity if the asker can make them smile. What better way than presenting them with the mental image of a giant sweaty sausage?

3. Personal Achievement. Everyone needs a goal in life. For some, it’s finding the nearest take-away. For others, it’s a matter of finding a suitable challenge. Running a marathon is one of the many endurance-style feats undertaken by those hoping to better themselves. For those who’ve already finished a marathon, doing another one – but this time wearing fancy dress – is the logical next step.

4. Strength. Children’s fancy dress costumes aside, the average adult outfit adds around 16kg to a runner’s weight. Running around with this added mass will increase core strength. Perhaps more importantly, it’ll also increase mental strength and resilience.

5. Health. The resting heart rate of the average person is approximately 80 beats a minute. For fitter people, such as those entering marathons, it can be as low as 50 beats a minute. To get super fit, people try to keep their heart rate within a target zone for sustained periods. This is easier in fancy dress, where the extra exertion keeps the heart pumping.

Other health benefits from donning a costume include rapid calorie burning and an increase in high-density lipoprotein – the so-called ‘good’ cholesterol. For those trying to detox, wearing fancy dress will almost double the amount of fluid lost through sweating.

6. Kudos. New acquaintances at the pub will be amazed, or confused, by the commitment required to run far wearing a lot. Whatever the response, it’s a good start to a conversation. And any potential love interests will always choose enormous running chickens over regularly dressed people.

7. Masochism. Let’s face it, some people like a little suffering. What better way to suffer than to run for miles clad head-to-toe in faux fur, plastic and other non-breathable man-made materials? When the Sunday Telegraph newspaper monitored a man running in a chicken suit, it found that his body temperature rose to 40C (104F). Tortuous indeed.

January 31, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Forgot To Pick The Children Up From School

It sounds terrible, but I would be willing to bet that there isn’t a single person reading this who hasn’t picked their children up from school late at least once – talking to some of the parents I know, here are some of the reasons they gave me for ‘running late’…

1. You Were Playing Farmville. In fact all of those highly-addictive Facebook games should come with health warnings, “May cause you to lose large chunks of your day.”. Or, at the very least, they should come with in-game reminders like, “Step away from the computer and pick up your offspring – you can always beat Claire’s Bejewelled score later.”.

2. You Were Trying On That Dress Again. Hands up who has ever dropped the children at school in the morning, popped to the high street and still found yourself looking for that perfect cocktail dress ay 3pm? I’ve often found myself battling the shopping devil inside that is telling you to go and try the dress on again for the twelfth time. The children can probably walk home. They need to grow up sometime, right?! 🙂

3. You Were Gossiping. As the old saying goes; “time flies when you’re speculating with your best friend about her cougar of a neighbour’s latest toyboy”.

4. You Were Playing Bingo. Whether you popped in for an early session with the other mums or got engrossed in some of the cute bingo games online.

5. You Had To Stay And Laugh At Your Boss’ Jokes. Ah, the dreaded afternoon meeting where your boss’ showboating drags on a little too long. You’re checking your watch, but he is telling the most drawn out joke in the world. And he keeps getting it wrong. But hey, you’re trying to climb the ladder so you put on a brave face and attempt to chuckle in the right places whilst thinking about what you’ve got for dinner.

6. Those Pesky Soap Operas Were Just A Little Too Gripping. As you sit enjoying the last peaceful cup of tea for the day, wondering if that woman will make it out alive, who’s the daddy of that baby or if she really did bury her husband under the shed – don’t forget that it isn’t real. The children are waiting in the playground so you’d better get a wiggle on…

7. Some Legitimate Reason. There really are quite a few legitimate reasons for running late. The previous six probably aren’t going to cut it – I doubt your child’s teacher will take kindly to you telling them you wanted to finish your game of Pathwords. Running late and temporarily forgetting to pick up your kids doesn’t make you a bad parent – we’re all busy and we’re all human.

January 17, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The Banana Splits Are Brilliant

I would like to say we’ve been saving this one especially for Christmas. But that would be lying. The truth is I lost this post in the 7 Reasons vault sometime in April. Not that I knew it at the time. You see, this only came to light on Friday when today’s author – Richard O’Hagan – queried why we hadn’t published his 43rd 7 Reasons work. Or words to that effect anyway. I said I didn’t know and blamed Marc. Then I realised it was my fault. Anyway, it’s all sorted now and today Richard’s post finally gets the airing it deserves. If you want to read more from Richard, he’s still remembering things and writing them down over at The Memory Blog.

***

This post was precipitated by a conversation which I had with Marc at the end of March. Well, I say ‘conversation’, but it was on Twitter and largely consisted of me sitting there twiddling my thumbs whilst Marc went off and changed nappies/fed the wife/saved the world/did other manly things. The conversation began with Marc comparing me to the fifth Beatle, something which I objected to on the grounds of limited life expectancy and even more limited royalty cheques. It ended with me agreeing to be the fifth Banana Split, which suits me fine because I have a weakness for ice cream sundaes (they are more edible that Russian Roulette ones, I find).

Then I realised that he didn’t mean delicious fruit and dairy desserts, but the television show of the same name. Which I didn’t mind either, because I loved that show as a kid. In fact, here are ‘7 Reasons Why The Banana Splits Are Brilliant’.

1. Fleegle. What better name could there be for a beagle? It rhymes, it has the ‘flea’ connotation, and moreover this one was in charge of one of the greatest television shows ever. If I actually liked dogs, and if they didn’t fall foul of my ‘no point in having any pet that you can’t eat’ rule*, and if I was going to get a beagle, I’d name it ‘Fleegle’ too.

2. Bingo. Bingo was the drum playing orangutan with the glasses and the biggest grin this side of an American TV evangelist. Whenever great, charismatic, drummers are mentioned – Moon the Loon, Bonzo Bonham, Animal from The Muppets – Bingo is always left out, yet that level of spaced out dementia doesn’t just come from nowhere. Today, 7 Reasons is putting Bingo back where he belongs, in the great pantheon of drumming nutjobs.

3. Snorky. Without a doubt the least convincing elephant in the history of television, Snorky (for some reason referred to as ‘Snork’ in the theme song) was the non-speaking, squeaking, member of the Splits. Surprisingly deft on the keyboards and remarkably hairy, he has the odd distinction of being the most recognisable of the four despite never saying an intelligible word, thereby making him the Ian Brown of his day.

4. Drooper. It was only when I was researching this piece – yes, there was research, you think I just know this stuff? – that I realised that Drooper was supposed to be a lion. I’d always assumed that he was some particularly mangy breed of dog. Now I know that he’s actually the skinniest, mangiest lion in history. But he did have exceedingly cool sunglasses well before the likes of Liam Gallagher were even thought of. And ‘Drooper’s Letters’ preceded anything Viz could come up with by at least a decade. Moreover, he was voiced by

5. Daws Butler. The legendary Hanna-Barbera voiceover artist, the man behind not only Snagglepuss and Quick Draw McGraw, but Yogi Bear himself. That’s right, the Banana Splits have a direct genetic line to Yogi and BooBoo, despite none of them being a bear at all. Which means that they invented cross species genetic engineering long before Wayne Rooney’s parents thought of it.

6. Banana Buggies. Would sir like a multicoloured beach buggy to drive across the dunes at high speed? YES PLEASE! If there has been a cooler summertime mode of transport than a Banana Buggy then I have yet to see it. And better still, unlike other anthropomorphosised television characters, they didn’t have to share. Oh no. They got one each. Being a Banana Split meant never having to wonder which seat you were going to sit in, and therefore never having to understand Rebecca Black.

7. Theme Tune. The theme tune is, without doubt, the greatest children’s tv theme of all time. Aside from anything else, it is the only one to have been covered by a punk band** and the only one that it is still cool to sing when you are as old as me***. And definitely the only one to have been released on yellow vinyl.

*You were expecting a tired cliché masquerading as a joke here, won’t you. Go on, admit it! I can see you smiling, you know.

**The Toy Dolls’ cover of ‘Nellie the Elephant’ doesn’t count, as it was never the theme to a children’s show and they were about as punk as Cliff Richard

***Oh, yes it is!

December 19, 2011
7 Reasons To Personalise Your Own Christmas Cards

With just a matter of weeks to go before Christmas, why not do things differently this year? Why not get organised and avoid the mad mid-December rush? One way to avoid the inevitable queue is to use Hallmark Cards and their online personalised Christmas card service. Need convincing? Time to read on.

1. From Me, To You. Let’s begin with the obvious. A personalised card is just that. Unique in every way. Unless someone else also writes, “Dear Lucy, Merry Christmas, Love From Samuel. PS: I’ll try not to put your wooden leg on the fire this year!”. But let’s be honest, that’s highly unlikely. A personalised card means more. It means you have actually given it some thought. It means you haven’t just run down to the petrol station and bought the last copy of that magazine with free Christmas cards attached. That’s the true spirit of Christmas right there.

2. Technophobes. If your parents are from an era before technology took over the world, why not have some fun with them this Christmas? On opening a card and seeing it printed, “Dear Dad, Love From Charlotte,” your father will almost certainly ask you how your name is printed inside. You can either tell him that you went around the country in search of a card with the name Charlotte in it – which will impress him and make him feel loved no end – or you can explain that it’s an intellicard. Basically, that’s a card that uses remarkable technology to decipher the name of both sender and recipient simply by touch. And yes, an intelligence is particularly good if you’ve just bought your Dad socks. Again. He’ll ignore his present and be baffled by the card for hours.

3. Something For All. Finding suitable Christmas cards for different people gets harder and harder each year. Using Hallmark’s personalised service though, you can be sure that you are going to get the right card for the right person. There are traditional cards for those who celebrate Christmas as a religious festival, bright and colourful cards for those who use it as an excuse to party and an OK magazine card for the celebrity addict in the family. Who, incidentally, should be shut in a room by themselves for the day. Probably with Katie Price’s latest picture book.

4. Attention To Detail. This reason probably applies for the more haphazard sex, but we won’t discount women. For many people a card is the last thing they think about buying. Usually five minutes before the shops close on Christmas Eve. As a result they fly into the nearest retailer and pick up the first one they see. Then they get home and realise it says ‘sister’, ‘aunt’ or ‘my little fantasy’ instead of ‘wife’. Not good. Get online and use Hallmark’s personalised Christmas cards service. It’ll help you concentrate the mind and make sure you won’t spend most of Christmas morning trying to cover up the word ‘secretary’ with a felt tip pen.

5. Children. Toy manufacturers make a killing at Christmas. Not literally, obviously. As Herod demonstrated, that would be wrong. We mean they make a lot of money. Simply by making children want toys they don’t need. It’s genius. But very expensive for the parents. So this year don’t give them a present. Give them a card that’s better than a present. Thanks to Hallmark Cards your child can now star alongside Woody and Buzz on a Christmas card. Your children won’t want a present, they’ll want to know when Toy Story 4 is coming out. (It should be said this will only work with young children. By the time they’re 24 they’re fairly wise to that sort of thing).

6. Words and Pictures. Why is it that whenever you find a card with a half-decent design, the words inside always read, “Merry Christmas to the one I love, you keep me warm and snug on the sheepskin rug”? Similarly, you might find a verse that doesn’t make you vomit all over the card rack, but the front of the card says, “To my step-mum’s sister’s daughter’s boyfriend”. You can’t give that to your brother – unless he is your brother we suppose. It’s far better to get online, choose the design you want and write the wants you need to say.

7. This Is Us! You know those sickly yearly newsletters that you in get in Christmas cards from some families – the one that tells you Tarquin went Zambia on his gap year and set up a water buffalo sanctuary – well, a personalised card is perfect retribution. On many of the cards you can add a photo, and with so many photo editing packages out there it would seem rude not to show the smug ones exactly where you’ll be that Christmas. Nestled above an accompanying photo should be the words, “Merry Christmas From Sir Richard Branson’s Private Island!” That’ll shut them up. They’ll probably take you off their Christmas card list too. That’ll save a stamp.

October 30, 2011
7 Reasons That Jack And The Beanstalk Is A Bad Example For Children

As a parent, I’m conscious that I have a grave and onerous responsibility to instil an inherent sense of right and wrong in my son. To make certain that, during his formative years, he is given the equipment which will eventually enable him to become a good and productive member of society. To give him good values; tolerance, a respect for others, for law and order, for property. For that reason I won’t be reading him Jack and the Beanstalk. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Jack Is Feckless. What’s the first thing he does? He – on behalf of his mother – takes their one marketable asset (a cow) to market, but instead of selling it – as instructed – to raise much needed capital, he takes it upon himself to strike a different bargain with a shifty stranger. He swaps the cow for some magic beans. That’s magic beans. Beans that are magic. This says that not only is disobeying your parents the right thing to do, but that if a stranger offers you something highly dubious in return for a real and tangible asset that’s a perfectly good transaction to make. Essentially this encourages both charlatanism and fecklessness. And Paul McKenna.

2. Jack Is A Trespasser. Later in the story, he goes through a garden and breaks into a house. And it’s not just anyone’s house. It’s the house of a poor, unfortunate sufferer of the genetic condition giantism. So not only is he trespassing, he’s committing that crime against a minority. Despite being rather high up, Jack’s the lowest sort of criminal bully.

3. Jack Is Unapologetic. And what is the giant’s reaction to finding that someone has broken into his home? Well, perfectly understandably, he’s not best pleased. He wants to set about Jack (and he is perfectly within his rights to defend himself and his property using reasonable force). But what does Jack do? Like the weasel he is, he slinks off, with the help of the giant’s wife, no less. Jack has set one partner against the other and has breached the sacred bonds of trust between a man and his wife, and all because he’s too cowardly to face his victim.

4. Jack Is A Burglar. Then on his way out, Jack steals some gold coins. So it’s not mere trespass now. It’s burglary. Should we really be encouraging our children to consider burgling the homes of minorities? Is that really a good message? Wouldn’t a better message be don’t burgle the homes of minorities? Don’t, in fact, burgle anyone?

5. Jack Is A Serial Offender. What does Jack do after he’s returned home? Does he, in the cold light of day, come to regret his actions? Does he show remorse? Does he head to his local police station to hand himself in or return to the giant’s house to reimburse him and offer to make amends? No. He goes back to the giant’s house and burgles it again. Twice! Jack is not only a career criminal. By picking on the poor giantism sufferer again and again, he’s persecuting a minority.

6. Jack Is A Murderer. What does Jack do during his final burglary? He murders the giant; a man who has already had his (sadly truncated) life blighted by an unfortunate genetic condition and who has been tyrannized by a serial burglar, is killed in cold blood by Jack in a desperate attempt to cover up his many crimes. Even Ryan Giggs hasn’t resorted to murdering people yet to cover anything up. We’d all better hope that he doesn’t read Jack and the Beanstalk. The body count could be enormous.

7. Jack Is A Psychopath. What manner of comeuppance does Jack receive for his numerous sordid and cruel misdeeds. Prison? Capital punishment? A community service order? A lifetime subscription to OK Magazine? No. Jack gets to marry his sweetheart – the daughter of a count* – and live happily ever after, a wealthy man. Happily! He doesn’t even suffer from the slightest bit of conscience induced existential torment. There’s no regret at all, or remorse, the lack of which is one of the most marked symptoms of psychopathy.

Is a disobedient, feckless, trespassing, uncompassionate, home-wrecking, burgling, serial-offending, bullying, bigoted, murdering psychopath really a healthy role model for our children?** Jack even gets rewarded for his appalling behaviour. I don’t think we should be telling this story to our children at all. I think we should be reading them this one.

*Not a typo.

**It didn’t go well for Colonel Gadaffi’s kids.

October 26, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

It has, I think you’ll agree, been too long. Too long since Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best sat on the 7 Reasons sofa and shared with us thoughts from the deepest sanctums of his mind. Today that changes. Because he’s back. He needs no further introduction so we’ll leave you in his capable hands. We’re off to the pub for lunch. He’s paying.

‘Free Lunch’ by The Ethicurean

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” is one of those glib phrases that people trot out and everyone accepts without investigation in to its accuracy. Now you don’t need to, because here I give seven reasons as to why there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

1. Potential Suitors. Often on a date, especially in these enlightened times, people will spilt the bill. But there might be a rare occasion when you’re taken out for a meal and the other person offers to pay. “Great,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. The chances are that they will want something in return, a walk along the beach, a goodnight kiss, your hand in marriage. Would you swap any of these for a spaghetti carbonara? No. Nor would I.

2. Aged Relatives. Imagine the scene. You’re an impoverished student and your Great Aunt Doris* rings you up and invites you round for Sunday lunch. “Great,” you say to yourself. “A change from tinned tuna and beans on toast, and a free lunch!” Wrong. You arrive and while the smell of roast beef is wafting through the house, Great Aunt Doris will ask you for help with something relatively straight forward, changing a light bulb for example…. By the time you’re able to escape several hours later you’ve cut the grass, creosoted the fence, put out the bins, cleaned out the guttering and regrouted the bathroom. You’ve saved her several hundred pounds and given vast quantities of labour in return for a bit of overcooked beef and soggy Yorkshire puddings.

3. Business Lunches. We’ve all been there. Arranging a meeting and your colleague/client says, “why don’t we meet over lunch, we can get it on expenses”. “Excellent,” you think. “A day that I don’t have to pay for an over-priced sandwich and get a free lunch!” Wrong. Okay, you can get to see people and impress your colleagues, but it requires you to talk to people and costs valuable time. There is a surefire rule that applies to meetings: not only do they cost valuable time, but you invariably leave them with more work to do than at the start. Is the free lunch worth it when you have to stay in work late and buy an expensive Chinese takeaway for dinner so you don’t collapse with starvation before you get home?

The same applies to conferences where, although the lunch is free, the cost is to your soul. It dies around the same time as the first speaker puts up his fourteenth powerpoint slide.

4. Friends With Children. There is a stage in many people’s lives where you are single, but have friends who are married with kids. You probably get to see these friends less often. Then, when summer starts they ring you, “come round for a barbecue, we’ve still got lots of wine left over from Timmy’s christening so there’s no need for you to bring anything”. You’re free, you want to see them and excited at the prospect of free food AND drink. Well, calm your excitement. This invitation is just a thinly veiled ruse by the parents to neck as much chardonnay as they can while their hyperactive children, thrilled by the novelty of a new adult, begs you to play with them. As for the free lunch? Not a bit of it. Okay, you get plenty of grilled chicken and salad and a couple of glasses of wine. Cost to you: a dry cleaning bill for your grass stained trousers, a new hat after your panama is used as a Frisbee and a large chiropractors bill having been rugby tackled by “little” Jamie, who is nine years old but already the size and weight of Brian Moore.

5. Parents Of Your Future Spouse. Picture the scene. You’ve been with your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner for a respectable length of time. Then one day they say to you, “my parents have invited us for lunch on Sunday” Cue you breaking out into a cold sweat about what to take them. Your partner reassures you that their mother doesn’t need flowers, and their father doesn’t need a bottle of Scotch. “Phew,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. You’re on to a loser here. If it goes badly and you’re (even inadvertently) rude about them/their house/their food/their dog or, perhaps worse, you’re too friendly and don’t give your partner enough attention, then you pay by having to buy them presents in recompense. If it goes really well it will progress your relationship to the stage where it costs you a hefty amount for an engagement ring or your life if you find yourself married to them.

6. Single Friends. I, like lots of people, have single friends who are, lets face it, what can charitably be described as “hard work”** When your friend that fits that description sends you an innocuous text message saying, “let’s meet for lunch, my treat,” you may think that means a free lunch and a pleasant afternoon. That text message notification should actually be an alarm bell, as what it actually means is an afternoon where you spend hours counselling them about their life, their job, their latest (failed) relationship, clothes and the price of garden furniture. This involves you consuming the annual output of a medium sized French vineyard to cope. They join you in polishing off several bottles, then when the bill comes they say, “I’ll pay for the food, can you get the wine?”. Free lunch? Not a bit of it. There’s a very real prospect that you will need to remortagage your house to pay your credit card bill that month.

7. Yourself. Clearly the only safe person to have lunch with is yourself, you would be paying so obviously it wouldn’t be a free lunch, but it’s likely it will be cheaper than the other options.

*If you don’t have a Great Aunt Doris then you can imagine my Great Aunt Doris.

** I don’t rule out the possibility that I am, for some of my friends ‘hard work’.

October 15, 2011