Tag: children

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Build A Fortress From Furniture

Remember those great days when you’d put the chairs together, turn the table upside down and grab ever available cushion in the house? That’s right, when you were making a fort. You probably haven’t done that for a while have you? We can’t help but think that’s wrong. Which is why we are delighted to welcome Ewan MacDougal to the 7 Reasons sofa. He’s going to put it right. And given that he spends most of his time playing around with Furniture 123’s living room furniture, he probably knows what he’s talking about. Here’s Ewan:

The relaxed ambience of The Keep

So over the last two or three years I’ve regressed, I don’t think it’s that uncommon – something to do with not wanting to be called a grown up I guess, anyway I’ve noticed a definite increase in the amount of toys I’m buying, cartoons I’m watching* , Dinosaurs I’m absent mindedly doodling**. I’ve even suddenly got an obsession with wanting a pet tortoise, mostly because I think it will look like a baby dinosaurs. In essence I think I’ve become about 7 years old (which is actually about a third my age). A few things are different about being 7 this time around though, one is that I have a job, so I can buy the big box of second hand dinosaurs from eBay without being forced to save up for a year, and another is that I now live with “contemporaries” rather than “parents” meaning that when I decide it’s a good idea to scrap the traditional living room lay out in favour of a fortress built out of living room furniture. The idea should theoretically be open for discussion rather than immediately vetoed as it was in 1994. So here are my seven reasons why having a fortress in place of living room furniture would be infinitely better.

1. End To Classism. So nearly everyone I know around my age in this area lives in basically the same pre furnished rented house, if they’re paying a lot the furniture looks quite nice, if they’re not it’ll smell a bit damp and has the odd hole. Basically you can walk into any house and instantly know what they’re paying and judge for your self if you’re socially better than them. I believe this is unfair, I believe that we should judge people not by the tatty state of there furniture but by the quality of there posters and there DVD / CD collection. I’m no historian, but I am vaguely aware that communism made similar attempts, and tried to get rid of this kind of class signifier. Where they went wrong, however, was to try and standardise everything***. How boring. No, no one wants to live in a generic living room, so instead let’s let creativity flow, let’s all spend our free time draping sheets over armchairs and turning sofas upside down. Let’s make tents out of cushions and barricades out of book shelves. I want all our furniture over turned and torn apart until it no longer has any value as furniture, but instead must be appreciated for the creativity and effectiveness as an awesome fort.

2. Privacy. So windows, yes I guess they were a good idea, the whole day light thing and being able to see what’s going on outside are all pretty handy traits. The trouble is though windows work both ways, people can look in at you whilst you’re looking out. I’m part of the anonymous internet generation.. by that I mean, I’m not always that sociable. I’m not that sociable and some times I have shameful TV taste that I don’t want the neighbours and passers by to know about. Curtains might be a temporary solution, but let’s face it, if I start closing the curtains every few hours; it’s going to look suspicious. Net curtains will work for some purposes but you can still see TV screens. The only real way to find privacy in the 21st century is to build a fort. Forts are all about secretness. The more secret a fort is the better, and let’s face it even if you have nothing to hide, pretending that you have can be really fun. Watching the lunchtime news under a duvet canopy with headphones, knowing the postman won’t even bother ringing your bell to deliver that parcel because it’s so obvious you’re “out” is incredibly exciting.****

3. Home Security. When I was growing up I never actually built forts, I built hide outs. I think this is probably because of my pacifist parents thinking that fort was too violent a word. However you’ll notice that I’m arguing that we build a fort. Why? well simple, reason 3 home security. Part of being a grown up now means that if a big nasty robber decides to break into the house, it’s now my job (as probably the biggest boy in the house) to defend us. What happened to the idea that Mum and Dad would always be able to protect you from everything? Despite my excellent Batman knowledge, I’m not sure how easily I can fend off these villains, so I need every advantage possible. Having an intricately built fort in the living room, with all kinds of escape hatches, hidden home alone style weapons and booby traps that only I, as architect of the fort, know the locations of would defiantly be an asset. These villains probably have all kinds of murdering experience, but when I’m hidden in my fort they’ll have no idea where I am, then when they least expect it, KAPOW I’ll pop out behind them with a water pistol filled with slippery oil. I’ll squirt them and the floor behind them. The shock will make them slide on the oil and they’ll fly all the way out of the house. Problem solved!

4. Exercise. One of the reasons why I’m a bit nervous about taking on all these villains is that I’m probably not in my peak physical shape, I’ve never been to a gym, and running seems incredibly boring. What I really need is some kind of obstacle in my living room that I had no choice but utilise several times a day. One of the arguments I’ve heard against building a fort in the living room is that it’d be like having a “blinking obstacle course in the way.” Well I think it’s in the whole homes interest that we are able to defend our selves against any attack, therefore the extra exercise we will get from this obstacle is indisputably a good thing! Anyone who doesn’t want it is surely in league with the murders and robbers and should be treated accordingly.

5. Squatter’s Rights. I only work part time*****, as a result I don’t earn that much, therefore paying rent seems to take a rather large amount out of my pocket. I’d rather not pay it to be honest. I don’t claim to understand the intricacies of squatters rights, but I know it has something to do with being allowed to live in a place for free if you stay there for a long time without being kicked out first. I quite like the idea of living in my home for free. I think if I just stopped paying the rent though Mr Shake the landlord would probably evict me fairly quickly. Now if I had an incredible fortress that I could hide in, filled with midnight feast supplies and spy holes, I’m sure I could hide from him with out being caught for literally hours. I’m sure that means that eventually squatter’s rights would be declared mine and I’d be able to live in my fort forever. Maybe I could even raise a family there?

6. Safety In Wartime. We live in uncertain times, terror attacks, a recent wave of revolutions, people over reacting to reality TV shows. War could break out at any moment, and with most WWII Anderson shelters turned into garden sheds, and 1950’s nuclear bunkers being kept top secret, a well built living room furniture fortress would probably be my place of choice to feel safe when the sirens go off. Shelters with walls made from pillows and blankets are going to make for a far more comfy retreat than the cold out door and underground shelters of the past, and let’s face it, in this age of advanced nuclear weaponry they’ll probably be just as effective.

7. Just Because. Building forts out of furniture is an awesome fun activity and anyone who disagrees is just a big loser face!

*My Batman knowledge is now amazing!

** These dinosaurs by the way tend to be locked in epic wars against robots, there pretty incredible!

*** Also maybe labour camps, mass executions and those kinds of things were a bad idea too? I think there traditionalist view of forts missed the point.

****Where as having a basement room with no curtains, where your woken up every day off by the postmen peering in your window and knocking on the glass to deliver your house mates parcel is not fun.

***** Perhaps the free time this leaves me with has contributed to my desire to build a fort

March 19, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Child Should Not Be in Martial Arts Classes

Given that we have been working in such close proximity for over a year now, it’s amazing that we have never jumped off the 7 Reasons sofa and started scrapping with each other. Today, we had hoped to change that. Instead of the usual three-piece suit, we both came to work in white dressing gowns. It was time to karate chop each other. Unfortunately, martial arts teacher, Deborah Dera, took one look at us and said we were just too childlike to kick each other to pieces. So we took our dressing gowns off and went to have a sulk. In the meantime, we have left Deborah in charge of the sofa. And she has something to tell us.

The boy had nothing on Kung Fu Panda

I know that it is important for parents to find time for themselves. I know that it is important for children to remain active. What I don’t know is why some parents insist that their children are ready for activities that are either a) beyond their physical abilities or b) beyond their levels of comprehension.

That said, I’m constantly surprised (and sometimes amused) when parents bring their children in to our martial arts school and insist they sign up for classes. One look at your child tells me he’s not into it. Here are some of the things we see that you may not be hip to.

1. He’s Not Old Enough. A good martial arts instructor will not sign up children under a certain age. We do not accept children under the age of four in our school. Even at age four, we insist on a free trial class (no exceptions) so that WE can determine if your child is ready. Even still, we once had a mom lie and tell us that her child was four. He just barely made it through the trial class, so we thought maybe he’d be able to stick with the class. As time went on, it became painfully obvious he was not prepared to be in a social situation, let alone in a martial arts class. While his mother insisted he was four, she put his real birth date on the registration form. He was a very young three and a half.

2. He’s Crying. If you are pulling your child through the door while he cries and says he does not want to go in, your child may not be ready to be in a martial arts class. Ok, we get it. Some kids are shy. Those kids will stop crying after a day, maybe two or three – we had one kid who cried for two full weeks before he became the most popular kid in the class. Dragging your child through the door and insisting he cry through the class because you want him there makes no one happy – including us.

3. He Has No Concept Of Hygiene. We’re totally cool with kids needing to go to the bathroom during class. We also know that young children aren’t likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom (thank goodness for hand sanitizer). What we don’t understand is why they look at us like we have three heads when we ask them to please, pretty please, cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough. I should not have to wipe fluids from my my arm, or face, or floor, after your child sneezes.

4. He Saw The Karate Kid Movies. I have bad news. The movies were cute (even the newest one) but we simply don’t teach the stuff your kid saw in the movies. Even worse? There will be no dramatic fight scenes on the walk home after class. That’s bound to get boring, right?

5. He Can’t Pay Attention. There is a difference between can’t and won’t. Kids who have problems won’t. Kids who simply aren’t developed enough on a mental or emotional level can’t. We don’t expect perfection but we shouldn’t have to spend an entire class finding ways to pull your kid back out of la-la land. Wait a few months and try again.

6. He Saw Kung Fu Panda. Seriously. A parent actually told me that his child wanted to take martial arts lessons because he saw Kung Fu Panda. This is worse than Karate Kid because – if you haven’t notice – it’s a cartoon. Combine this reason with the first one on the list (a three and a half year old still in diapers) and you’re in for a real treat.

7. You Have Unrealistic Goals. Please, please do not enroll your child in martial arts classes if you are not willing to give them time. Martial arts classes do help with discipline and self control, but it usually takes more than a week of classes to get the job done. The child with a history of hitting did not hit you the day after his first class because he learned how to do it in karate – he did it because he already has a history of lashing out physically. Get it?

Want to know the truth? I love ever little runny-nosed, screaming, crying kid who comes through the doors every week to check out our classes. They all bring something unique to the table. I just wish I didn’t have to turn so many away.

Deborah is a full time writer, martial artist, massage therapist, and student of life. She quit her job working with car insurance after 10 years so that she could focus on her passions – including sharing her love of the martial arts with both children and adults.

February 19, 2011
7 Reasons We Should All Have Our Own Personal CCTV

After yesterday’s big announcement I am sure you were expecting a post about that. Sadly though, I have not had the time to give such a piece the careful consideration it requires, but hopefully we’ll read 7 Reasons Andy Carroll Is Worth More Than Blackburn Rovers later in the week. For now we shall look at a subject that is close to many people’s hearts. Or at least it should be. CCTV. Each and every one of us should have our own personal CCTV. Here’s why:

1. Child Behavioural Device. My Mum always used to scare me by telling me she had eyes in the back of her head. Between the ages of four and six I don’t think I ever stood behind her. It was only when a wasp attacked her hair that I realised she was something of a con artist. The lie though (not to be mistaken with lilo) worked. I was never naughty behind my mother’s back. Just in case a couple of eyeballs popped out. Of course, now that today 7 Reasons has dispelled the ‘eyes in the back of my head’ myth, parents around the land will require a new threat level. And while a mirror maybe substantially cheaper, having CCTV cameras sticking out of various orifices would be much scarier.

2. Adult Behavioural Device. Any kind of assault on another human being will soon become a thing of the past. Firstly, everyone will know they won’t get away with it. Secondly, potential victims will be able to see an imminent attack coming. And all yours for £99 (exc VAT). Sometimes, my own genius scares me.

3. Capture Happiness. There are some moments in life we just want to relive over and over again. Maybe your engagement, your marriage, your divorce or England winning the Ashes*. Whichever it is, with CCTV you can record each of these moments using a multitude of angles and when you wish to remind yourself you can do just that. Now, the question you have for me is probably, ‘Why couldn’t I just use a camcorder?’ Well my answer goes something like this. You can’t spend your life walking around with a camcorder in your hand. It’ll get in the way, you won’t be permitted to watch the school nativity and when you are more than a little worse for wear in Las Vegas you’ll probably lose it before you find a minister. With CCTV being the norm, none of these problems will occur.

4. Image. They say pictures speak louder than words so let me point you in the direction of today’s 7 Reasons image. (That’s the one above). Not one of you can tell me that that guy, who we shall call Bobby, doesn’t look pretty cool. Sure, Bobby’s not wearing his usual sailors outfit, but I can tell you that Bobby feels confident. More confident than Bobby has ever felt before actually. And the world needs more confident Bobbies. Bobbies who will stand in the middle of a riot and happily capture the carnage around them. Not that there will be any carnage because of the CCTV. But at least the Bobbies will capture a lot of people standing around in the same place for a while. They can then upload it to YouTube and call it a flash-mob. Bound to be a hit.

5. Piracy. I think we can all agree that film piracy is a disgrace and a blight on the film industry. The quality is often so poor. With personal CCTV this will change. Given that everyone will have the opportunity to film a film, the pirates will have to use the latest personal CCTV equipment to offer the quality that people will pay for. And that’s brilliant because for your £3 you will no longer get a string of silhouettes going to the toilet, but a film of the quality that the original filmmakers intended. **

6. Forgetfulness. Where did I put the car keys? Where did I put the car? Whose nicked the car park? Am I drunk? The answers to so many questions can be found just by pressing that rewind button. Simple, but beautiful.

7. Social Media Integration. I am sure we all have friends who mention on facebook or twitter that they have just arrived at Selfridges or the Hurlingham Club or the Nou Camp. One day one of my friends checked into Sinagpore Airport at 7pm and three hours later he was watching some baseball in New York. Amazing. But obviously utter bollocks. None of my friend’s have ever checked in at KFC. And let’s be honest I am friend’s with some real pikies. Not in real life obviously, just on facebook. CCTV will identify these pathetic people for the fraudsters they really are by posting live video with every status update.

From The Bahamas, JL.

*Get in.

**In no way do 7 Reasons condone film piracy. It is bad. Very bad. (Though it maybe joked about if you are desperate for a fifth reason).

February 1, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons That Christmas ALWAYS Gets Me in the End

It’s Saturday, and the 7 Reasons team have abandoned the sofa in order to rush, blinking out into the sunlight like pit-ponies escaping from their daily labour. But, fear not, for the sofa is in safe hands. Guest hosting this week is the lovely Liz Gregory – that’s right, her of Things to do in Manchester fame – who despite being from Manchester, isn’t going to prattle on about Coronation Street, she’s going to talk about Christmas. Now settle down, children, and she’ll begin.

Every year it’s the same. I roll my eyes at those poor souls who have done all their present shopping by August; I can tut as cynically as anyone at the Christmas songs repeated on an endless, hideous loop in certain shops from the beginning of November. I am a grown woman with a full time job, and the shameless commercial enterprise that is Christmas has no place in my busy and important lifestyle. But by December, I’m hooked, brimming with festive excitement. Again. Here’s why….

1. The weather. Surely even the most hardened and wizened of souls must admit that nothing looks more enticingly festive than a fresh coating of snow, with the power to wipe out an ugly urban landscape of wheelie bins and cat poo, and replace it with pristine perfection. And I say this despite the fact that I am seemingly the only teacher in the UK not to have received a single snow day in the recent bad weather – I have had to go to work and perform the job for which I am paid EVERY SINGLE DAY.

2. Rosy-cheeked children. No, not the bratty whiny ones running amok in the supermarket trying to grab everything in sight – they are the ones to avoid if you’re trying to be misty-eyed and non-cynical about Christmas. I mean the angelic ones who assemble at Christmas lights switch-ons, warbling traditional festive songs and obligingly going “ooohhh” when the lights are turned on.

3. The Christmas Radio Times. I take enormous comfort in the fact that even though we live in a high-tech, culturally diverse society where we celebrate individuality and cutting-edge modernity, at least fifty percent of the UK will have spent the last week leafing through the Christmas Radio Times, armed with a marker pen, drawing wonky circles around the plethora of bad television they wish to watch this Yuletide. The fact that you will only actually watch three of these programmes is entirely besides the point – the pleasure lies in the selection, not the viewing.

4. Alcohol. One of the overwhelming perks of December is that it becomes socially acceptable to consume alcohol at virtually any time of day without anyone raising their eyebrows and calling you an alky. So that means sherry at elevenses is fine, as is bucks fizz at breakfast and Amaretto Sours at lunch. I do not, of course, live like this at other times of the year.

5. Decorations. Yes, Nigella is annoying, but I do admire the fact that her house (or her studio-masquerading-as-house, one is never quite sure) appears to be permanently bedecked with fairy lights. I am not brave enough to try to convince my husband that this is acceptable all year round, which means I must make the most of the carte blanche that Christmas brings. Turn the big light off, switch the fairy lights on, and hey presto! Your house instantly looks clean and tidy in the murky pixie gloom.

6. Food. I am by nature a most abstemious person, unlikely to over-indulge in any way, but the range of tasty morsels positively flung one’s way at this time of year makes it impossible to refuse. As with the alcohol, it is de rigueur to adjust one’s notions of what acceptably constitutes a balanced meal – as long as you select items from both the savoury AND the sweet party food ranges, you should be absolutely fine.

7. Two weeks off. I enjoy my job, and by anyone’s standards, working in a college in the run up to Christmas must surely be as good a place to be as any. Giant tins of Quality Street lurk at every turn, and teaching English means that the final week offers plenty of chances to watch Wuthering Heights and eat popcorn. And yet, the prospect of two weeks off, spent lolling on the sofa, opening the odd present and reverting to a lifestyle where your mum brings you a cup of tea in bed in the morning, is surely something to be cherished.

So, if anyone fancies a mince pie or three in the semi-gloom of my Nigella kitchen I’ll see you shortly; only visitors bearing sherry will be admitted, mind.

December 11, 2010
7 Reasons That Staying in for Halloween was Disappointing

We never stay in on Halloween and this year we were due to go out for a meal and to see a film. But my wife decided at the last-minute that she didn’t want to go out; she wanted to stay in and watch Downton Abbey. So, we braced ourselves for the inevitable throng of trick-or-treaters and settled in for the night. But none came. And, though by any normal measure, I should be pleased about that. It was disappointing. Here are seven reasons why.

We don’t really live in a spooky mansion, this is just for illustration. We live in a spooky town-house.

1. Ouch. Evening came and it became dark. We had decided on the timeless strategy of pretending-to-be-out, so we didn’t put the lights on. And, after several minutes of darkness, I fell over the cat in the hallway. This clearly wasn’t going to work, so we had to limp to the shops.

2. Money. In order to stay in – in our own home – we spent £4 on sweets. To give to the children that would surely be round coming round in droves demanding them. Because trick-or-treating isn’t nice. It’s an old-fashioned mafia style shakedown. But unlike the mafia, they often come round with their parents, so you can’t tell them to sod off. Because that would make them cry (the children that is, the parents probably have their own reasons for crying). So we spent money on sweets for them so that we didn’t have to sit in the dark and pretend to be out. But they didn’t come. And that’s £4 wasted. We could have bought over twenty-four litres of sparkling mineral water for that. Or two-thirds of a sandwich at a petrol station.

3. Money. But then I realised that it isn’t just £4 that we’ve wasted. Because we go out every year to avoid the inevitable plague of trick-or-treaters. But this is expensive and, over the years, we must have spent many hundreds of pounds avoiding trick-or-treaters. Obviously we’ve had lots of fun, consumed many nice meals and enjoyable beers, and seen many good films; but that isn’t the point. We were there for Halloween avoidance. What if the children haven’t come every year? We’ve spent all that money needlessly, and had all that pointless fun. For nothing.

4. Argument. We’ve never argued on Halloween before, but this time we did. We argued about who would go out and give sweets to the trick-or-treaters when they came to the door. “It’s Halloween”, my wife said, “you could go out there and scare the children with your mask”.

“Yes, but you could go out there and scare them with your dressing gown”, I replied. And I seem to have won the argument, because she didn’t argue with me further or, in fact, say anything much at all after that. But the argument was moot, because of the absence of trick-or-treaters.

5. Sweets. Because no children came to our house, we now have a huge bowl of sweets and no children to give it to. This means that we’ll have to eat them. But we’re grown-ups, and when grown-ups eat sweets they don’t run around in a sugar-frenzy, they sit still. And get fat. And we don’t want to become hideously fat. We want the neighbour’s children to become hideously fat. And then they won’t run around playing football in the alley behind our house. Our plan’s in tatters.

6. Rejection. As we’re usually out for Halloween, we have no idea of how it works. We sat waiting for trick-or-treaters until gone midnight. But surely they’ll come, we thought. Where are they? We felt unloved and rejected. We checked our armpits and speculated on why no children had come. And then, the only possible explanation occurred to us.

7. Spooky. I don’t believe in the supernatural or the sort of strange phenomena that is celebrated on Halloween because frankly, it’s a big load of guff. But I’m quite happy being a sneering sceptic; in fact, I’m quite well suited to it. But the non-arrival of the children was a genuinely spooky event. Because the last time we’d been in on Halloween – six years ago – we’d forgotten about it, didn’t have any sweets in the house, and had resorted to giving the children fruit and telling them that it was much better for them. And somehow, despite six years having elapsed and despite many children having come and gone from our street, the children somehow knew that we were the house of the fruit and they avoided us. The children knew. Creepy.

November 1, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons to Love Peppa Pig

It’s Saturday once more, and the 7 Reasons team are taking a day off to indulge their respective hobbies of eating tiramisu and…er…not eating tiramisu. Fear not though, for we leave you in capable hands. Strapping himself back into the 7 Reasons sofa, taking a firm grasp of the joystick and doing things that we don’t understand with flaps and ailerons is Richard O’Hagan: By day a mild-mannered lawyer, and by night a fearless writer, warrior, superhero and defender of owls (possibly). Here’s Richard.

I know what you are thinking – why is a grown man extolling the virtues of a TV show for the under-fives? Well, first of all, there’s the fact that it is one of the few kids shows that can be on in the background without raising my blood pressure to boiling point, just by being a steaming pile of old twaddle, such as In The Night Garden. Nor is it a complete rip-off of a fifty year old idea, like Chuggington. In fact, you can watch it as an adult and be far more entertained than you can watching any soap opera. There are many reasons for this, but here are just seven of them:

1. The Car Is Magic. Even better, the car is magic and no-one seems to realise it. Whichever way it is parked, the car is always facing the right way when it is next needed. And the steering wheel changes side according to which way the car is going. It is as if it has ESP. In fact, lots of things in this town have ESP. In another episode there is a campervan with an ESP satnav – you just tell it where you want to go and it takes you there. Adding ESP satnav to the magic car is the only thing that could improve it. It would also reduce the number of times that Daddy Pig gets lost.

2. Daddy Pig. Daddy Pig is some kind of idiot savant. He is guaranteed to be 100% wrong about everything. If you ever wanted to win the Lottery, just ask him to pick 42 numbers and you can guarantee that the winning seven will be the ones he didn’t choose. Similarly, if he claims to be an expert at anything, he won’t be. Curiously, he never claims to be an expert at civil engineering, which is his job – although on reflection this is probably a good thing.

3. Incest. How many other children’s shows deal with this? Yet where Peppa lives, there is only one of each species of animal. Either there is a huge amount of inbreeding or a lot of cross species experimentation (which would at least explain why the elephants are the same size as the cats). The only exception to this rule would seem to be Peppa and her brother George, who have cousins – which leads me to suspect that, despite the accents, the series may be set in Kentucky.

4. Madame Gazelle. Mme Gazelle is possibly the scariest children’s character ever. She is clearly some kind of witch, at the very least. She has taught everyone in the town, even the adults, without aging at all. She can play guitar equally well both right and left handed. She speaks with a Franco-Germanic accent and is, frankly, terrifying. I suspect she has a house with a very large and well-developed cellar.

5. Miss Rabbit. They say that men cannot multitask, but compared to Miss Rabbit no-one can. She sells ice cream, she runs the fire station, she mans the checkout at the supermarket and is in charge of the recycling depot. And that was just on Monday.

6. George Hates Peppa. Despite the facade of a very happy family unit, George actually hates his big sister. Every time he fantasises about something, it involves Peppa being eaten by a dinosaur. Frankly, after your three year old has watched every episode a hundred times, you will be having the same sort of thoughts

7. Serving Suggestion. And, at the end of the day, how many children’s characters tell you how to cook them?

The people behind Peppa Pig went on to make ‘Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom’, which is rubbish for at least another seven reasons.

October 16, 2010
7 Reasons That You Can’t Revisit Your Childhood

It’s day five of the week in which the 7 Reasons team revisit their childhoods – and now the pope has arrived in the UK – so you can’t say that we don’t live dangerously. But, over the course of the week, it’s become clear that revisiting your childhood isn’t easy. In fact, it can’t be done. I needed to find a way to demonstrate that adulthood is impossible to free yourself from and I have chosen the medium of Top Trumps.

1. Environment.

As an adult, your environment is – usually – substantially different to that of your childhood years. I spent a huge proportion of my childhood sailing. I couldn’t do that now though. I don’t live next to the sea. There are other distractions here. And girls. And beer. And anyway, I probably wouldn’t be able to spend every waking hour sailing now because of…

2. Biology.

Biology precludes revisiting your childhood. You can’t spend all day running around the park playing tag/tig/it/whatever-the-hell-it-was-called-where-you-lived, as you won’t have as much energy as you did when you were a child. And you can’t just stop running for a bit and have a breather on the swings and slides because you’re 6’2″ and you have a beard. No, that’s me. I really need to shave (something else that I didn’t have to do as a child). Anyway, one of the reasons that you don’t have as much energy is…

3. Sleep.When you’re a child you sleep for hours and hours and hours. As a child, I must have been a dream for my parents. They could just send me to bed and then – eventually – when they realised they hadn’t seen me for a couple of days, they could just wander up to my room and find me there, still sleeping. But adults can’t sleep like that, because they have…

4. Responsibilities.

Instead of spending most of their days playing, adults have to do things that are really, really dull. You may have noticed that the picture of my ten-year-old self is really blurry. This is because our scanner just broke and I can’t scan a picture of my childhood self in. Instead, I had to find a picture of myself on the internet. And, when I’ve finished writing this, I have to fix the scanner. And make dinner. And find out where the council have taken our glass recycling bin to. And do some washing. And shave. And…I’ll stop now, this is only helpful for me. I’m sure you get the picture. You just don’t have time to revisit your childhood. And even if you did, it would be a weird alternate universe, because of…

5. Events.

Our child and adult selves are also shaped by events. To revisit your childhood successfully, you’d have to erase the key events that had shaped you as an adult. I’m sure there are some things that we’d like to forget: That time I pressed the wrong button on the remote control and accidentally saw ITV, for example. But there are other events that are important and very dear to us; events that shaped our personalities. Events that we wouldn’t ever want to forget. Events that we want to retain in our memories. Events crucial to the formation of our character. Events that…yes, okay, I can’t remember any events to use as an example. This is because of my lack of…

6. Aptitude.

Your capabilities as an adult and as a child are different. As a child, you can remember things clearly (usually when adults don’t want you to), and as an adult you can walk in a straight line and look where you’re going without inconveniencing other pavement users (hopefully). But if you revisited your childhood you’d have to lose whatever skills you’d learned in the intervening years. And that’ll happen anyway if you live long enough. And why would you want to return to childhood in the first place? When you’re a child you’re an…

7. Idiot.

I used to hate nice food and drink when I was a child. I used to eat Angel Delight. I didn’t eat Arctic Roll though: No one was going to convince me that ice cream in a raspberry sponge cylinder wasn’t the devil’s work. But I wouldn’t eat decent cheese. And cheese is amazing. This is because I was stupid and ignorant and didn’t know any better. Because I was a child. Why would anyone want to return to a state of ignorance? That’s why you can’t revisit your childhood. And also why you shouldn’t burn books.

September 17, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Teaching Is (Mostly) The Best Job In The World

A few weeks ago, you may remember Liz Gregory telling us why Summer was great. There was so much agreement with her in the 7 Reasons HQ that we just had to get her back on the sofa. Thankfully, Liz was only too keen to make a reappearance. And this time she’s bought along her box of chalks. Or are they marker pens? I can never tell when I’m sans contact lenses. If you didn’t check out Liz’s blog – Things To Do In Manchester – last time, then you better do it today. Unless you want detention. Right, enough of the stupid school quips, I’m off to the bike sheds.

1. Holidays (Part One). We may as well deal with any resentment up front, so we’ll start with holidays. I get 11 weeks per year. Teachers in schools get more. I understand that people in the real world get insultingly poor amounts of annual leave, and I feel bad about this. But no-one, anywhere (that includes you, Cameron) will take my glorious six-week summer off me.

2. Holidays (Part Two). Last year the afore-mentioned six week summer break began on July 7^th. The Ashes series started on July 8^th. This point needs no further expansion.

3. The Students. Yes, I know this one is hard to believe; even a cursory glance at The Daily Mail will indicate that the youth of today are a snarling, feral mass, pausing from their casual sex and drug-taking only to mug passing old ladies and commit knife crimes. You may be disappointed to learn that actually, today’s teenagers are pretty much the same as any other generation of teenagers: moody, unpredictable, funny, witty, charming…in short, they are good company. Although I do query some of their musical taste, and the overall aesthetics of wearing one’s jeans halfway down one’s backside.

4. Talking About What You Love, All Day Every Day. I teach English, which means that rather than answer telephones and push bits of paper around a desk all day, a typical Monday might include reading Wuthering Heights (and indeed performing the Kate Bush caterwauling classic as a Christmas treat), acting out bits of Streetcar Named Desire (Stellllaaaaaaa!), and teaching how to write scripts, articles or short stories….it’s amazing.

5. Seasonal Celebrations. Christmas is fun, sure. Christmas in a college with hundreds of sixteen-year-olds who are desperately excited but are trying equally desperately not to show it is even better. Students are also very keen on the confectionary that tends to accompany such seasonal celebrations, and bring it in by the bucket load; there is surely not a teacher in existence who has not felt their waistband constrict at Easter or Christmas due to a surfeit of Quality Street.

6. Stationery. This may actually be specific to English teachers, but every September the pain of a new academic year is soothed by an almighty trip to Paperchase to stock up on novelty pens and notebooks with monkeys on. This is an essential part of teaching, and its impact on the economic stability of Britain must not be overlooked.

7. Students Suddenly Realising You’re Not Ninety. I am not particularly advanced in years, but to my youthful charges I may as well be approaching my hundred and twelfth birthday. Until, of course, you are spotted outside of work, wearing jeans, talking to friends, and maybe (gasp) drinking wine. This prompts much admiration, as students recognise you for what you truly are – a plucky old person with a life outside college. This will raise your kudos above every member of the maths and science departments almost instantly.

July 10, 2010
7 Reasons You Are Wrong Not To Love The 2012 Olympic Mascots

1. Equality. Wenlock (he’s on the right) and Mandeville belong to a young boy and a young girl. Though for quite a while I thought the young girl was also a young boy. But this has clearly been done on purpose to show solidarity behind those athletes who are still deciding whether they should enter the Olympics as a man or a woman. Caster Semenya for example.*

2. Billy Crystal. Okay, not Billy Crystal per se, but the animated character he voiced in Monsters Inc. Mike Wazowski. He was a one-eyed monster and, at first, children were terrified of him. They had nightmares and all sorts. But eventually they got round to liking him. Loving him even. And that is what will happen to Wenlock and Mandeville. They may terrify you now, but come 2012 you’ll be making your own Wenlock outfits.

3. The Future. While we are on that point. This is 2010. The Olympics aren’t for another two years. Who knows what might happen in the next 798 days? We may get visited by Wenlock and Mandeville look-alikes from somewhere else in this universe. They might turn up and fix the whole global warming thing. And the economy thing. And mend your bike puncture. If that happens you can’t possibly tell me you won’t be happy. You can’t possibly tell me you won’t be immediate fans of Hemlock and Manderlay. So let’s have a little perspective please people.

4. Home Life. The boy and girl live with their grandparents. I don’t know why, but I am guessing that this is because, maybe, Mummy and Daddy have gone away for a while. Possibly to prison. Or maybe they were investigating volcanic activity in Iceland a few weeks ago. Either way, their Grandpa George does something very sweet for his grandchildren. He whacks a bit of steel into some quite funky shapes. The children are delighted. Yet all you can do is complain. Why can’t you be happy for them you heartless bunch?

5. The Beaver. Which would you prefer? Wenlock and Mandeville or Amik The Beaver from the 1976 Montreal Games? I for one am thankful our designers are no longer inspired by roadkill.

6. Security. Let’s not pretend that some nasty people aren’t going to think about doing something bad during the games. If we have a load of one-eyed freaks guarding the stadia, I strongly suspect that they may think twice. Especially as I have heard that Wenlock v1.2 will has a laser beam that he can fire from his eye.

7. The Film. Still don’t like them? Still think we should have had a cuddly lion? Well, watch the film. It’s beautifully made, beautifully told, beautifully funny and beautifully optimistic. You beauty.

*I admit this is in very bad taste. I am even a little bit ashamed of writing it. But I really was struggling for reasons. You understand. All complaints should be addressed to Marc Fearns.

May 21, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Freckles Are Genius

It’s Saturday. And you know what that means. Marc and I are allowed up from the sofa to stretch our legs. In our place this week is Claire Quinn. (You can follow her extraordinary life on twitter here). And, in something of an historic moment, she actually is sitting on the 7 Reasons sofa. Well the London half of it anyway. The other half is in York. It could be said that she has freckles. But she doesn’t care. And this is why.

This Isn't Me. Or Claire.

1. Practical Games For The Children. Anything from connect the dots – or join the freckles as it would be in this case – to learning to count can be done with freckles. Assuming they are using your freckles, well, you can have some fun too. Frowning is really going to muck-up their sums.

2. Suncream Saver. The more freckles you have, the less suncream you need to use; you only need to apply the lotion in-between said freckles. All the money that you save could be spent on something else. Like gin! :O)

3. Spot Cover Up. No one really likes spots – I guess there is a sadistic pleasure in squeezing them – but no one wants them on show. Which is why people cover them up, but with freckles you don’t have to! Ooo so you save money again – make-up purchases are fewer than the average non freckly personage.

4. It’s All In The Name. Freckles aren’t just called freckles. They also go by the name of fern tickles. This makes them special. Birth marks don’t have another name. Moles don’t have another name. Spots could be called ‘blemishes’ I suppose, but that’s in no way the same.

5. Look Browner. So it might just be from a distance – up close you just look like you’re covered in freckles – but from a distance you do look completely tanned. There is bound to be someone out there who likes the ol’ ‘tanned at a distance, freckle-ly up close’ appearance and if there isn’t please don’t tell me.. because I’m counting on that!

6. The Lovers. If you have a lover you can get them to kiss all your freckles. If you have a lot of freckles like me it will mean you will get a lot of attention. If you don’t, ask the cat*.

7. A Feature. Most people have something about them they would rather change. Maybe it’s a big nose or big ears or just one big ear or maybe a small ear or maybe nothing ear related at all. Maybe it’s a birthmark right in the middle of their forehead. Or maybe they have ginger hair. If these people were asked what they would swap them for, they would say freckles. No one would swap freckles for one big ear and one small ear would they?

*Or kitty.

May 1, 2010