Tag: 7 reasons

Guest Post : 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

Today’s guest post comes from Bolton-based musician, record-label-owner and music-promoter Brad B. Wood. His highly acclaimed band, Merchandise, are releasing their fifth album soon, which could mean any time in the next two years. You can check out the brilliant Merchandise website here, it’ll even play you a song while you read this. You can also find Brad twittering here. Twitter will not play you a song.

1. The moors. In much the same way that the proximity of the Moors influenced Southern Spain, the proximity of the moors influences Bolton. The moors are beautiful in a gorgeously melancholic and autumnal way that imparts the mood which characterises Bolton – helped by the wonderfully named A666 (Dual Carriageway of the Beast) running through the town.

2. Pies. Yes I know Wigan has the reputation, but they’re something of a delicacy round here too. There are many great pie shops including the excellent Ye Olde Pastie Shoppe, Wilson’s in Kearsley and, of course, the locally ubiquitous Greenhalgh’s (a pronunciation nightmare for visitors). My favourite, Villas on Tonge Moor, has sadly closed – not due to any lack of custom on my part. I got told off the other week for saying complimentary things about Carr’s pasties during an interview on Bolton FM – strange folk there. I just mentioned how they make a pasty barm so well (a pasty in a buttered bread roll – great!). You don’t have to travel to Scotland to find fine cuisine, you know. You can also find it in Bolton.

3. Bradshaw fireworks display. A grand evening out. Gloriously crap, and all the more fun for it. One year, the countdown to the start of the display ended with no fireworks. The tannoy announcer asked Cyril (the man in charge of the blue touch-paper) what he was up to several times before he eventually graced us with what could be the most randomly choreographed display in pyrotechnic history. After 25 minutes of mistimed banging and whooshing, bizarre colour combinations and fireworks shooting in all directions, the display concluded with the piece-de-resistance, the words “..od ..ght” illuminated in fireworks.

4. Place names. Well, the best of the lot has to be Knob End, Upper Ramsbottom is just over the hill too (There’s a new game, “Increase the Innuendo by Placing Bolton Place Names Next to Each Other in a Sentence.”) We also specialise in place-names that are unpronounceable to visitors, such as Daubhill (Dobble), and place-names with a right lot of apostrophes: Hall I’ th’ Wood, Top O’ Th’ Brow etc. During a fun game of “Get the Bolton Place Name in a Film Title” (this is how we roll) these were the best: Doffcockerlipse Now, Daubhill Impact (see pronunciation above), Lostock and Two Smoking Barrels, When Harry Breightmet Sally and The Bradshawshank Redemption. That whiled away a long motorway journey of twenty-nine miles, twenty-nine long miles . . . and there were some much worse suggestions.

5. Comedy. Bolton is a funny place, or at least our residents make it one. The local character is to look for the funny; we’re also known for our friendliness to strangers. Genuine business names include “Big Baps and Nice Buns” (a sandwich shop) and Softies Hard Stuff (I think you can guess what he sells). Among our professional comics are Peter Kay, Dave Spikey, Justin Moorehouse, Hovis Presley , Paddy McGuinness and the perennial panto favourite, Stu “I could crush a grape” Francis. We also employ Gary Megson.

6. Bolton Wanderers. Founder members of the Football League and four time FA cup winners – including the White Horse final in 1923 – the first at the old Wembley stadium. We were involved in the first game with nets, which took place between Bolton and Everton (possibly the two teams least likely to need them). And now we’ve come through that dark patch in the eighties where we had to sell one end of the stadium to a supermarket, “We’re the one and only Wanderers!” (except for ones beginning with W)

7. Real ale. Like everywhere, Bolton has a strip of pubs which are less safe than the places you hear about in the international news. However, if you drive out a little, or have a bit of nous, you can avoid everything that’s fetid and wrong with contemporary society, and visit great pubs which make you proud to be British (in a nice way, not a Nick Griffin way). The joy of pubs where folk actually talk to each other is lost on Southerners – Christ knows how they make friends. Go to the No Name (it’s a pub without a name), The Dog and Partridge, The Sweet Green Tavern, The Hen and Chickens, The Old Man and Scythe or The Pack Horse at Affetside and you won’t be disappointed. You may even make a friend.

December 19, 2009
7 Reasons ‘Last Christmas’ Is The Greatest Music Video Ever.

1. The Set-up. The start of the video could very well be the start of a James Bond film that stars Jennifer Aniston. Two jeeps pull up in the snow. A door opens. A man gets out. He turns around. And that’s where is ends. You could never have a Bond villain with a hairstyle like that. Well, not unless Bond himself was played by Mika.

2. The Waving. Let’s be honest about this, it’s horrendous. It is not proper waving. It is five people auditioning for a job as a window cleaner, 0:24 – 0:30. Personally I would give the job to the woman in the middle. She was getting right into the corners.

3. The Tinsel Drop. Nice moves George. Or not. The idea is that he drops the tinsel onto last year’s lover, so that he can crouch down, apologise and stare into her eyes. Watch it though. At 1:27 there is a cut in the video. Only for a split second, but it can be seen. This is because George Michael is useless when it comes to dropping tinsel. They did 132 takes and everytime George missed his lover. In the end they decided just to chuck a bit of tinsel over her and merge the two segments. It didn’t work. But it’s lovely that George has his faults.

4. The Ice Cool Dude. Look at this guy at 1:40. It’s freezing outside yet he has been in the woods chopping up a tree without gloves or a hat. It took me a while to work out why this might be the case but it came to me eventually. He wasn’t wearing a hat because if he was he wouldn’t have been able to hear the director shout instructions at him. He wasn’t wearing gloves because he’s an idiot.

5. The Chat Up Lines. You just have to look at the two girl’s faces at 2:19 to know that they have just been asked by the smarmy git on the left if they fancy a threesome. Unfortunately they cut away from them to show George preparing to inhale wine through his nose, so no one quite knows whether the threesome happened or not. Nothing wrong with imagining though.

6. The Irony. There is quite a lot of it in Last Christmas, but the main one is George Michael supposedly giving his heart away 365 days previously. To a girl. You seriously expect us to believe that George? With that running style between 3:00 and 3:05? But that’s what’s so great about it. For four minutes and sixteen seconds we convince ourselves to believe it. Then we pretend we can’t stand this song.

7. The Skis. Oh, they had skis with them – 3:50. I am sure I am not the only person to notice that they didn’t actually do any skiing. All we saw them do is drink wine, run around in the snow, look at each other seductively and eat a birthday cake (2:11 – don’t ask me why, it was probably someone’s birthday. Jesus’ probably). But that’s fine, it means Wham! were in touch with reality. Sure, people mean to attack the slalom when on a winter holiday, but as soon as they start on the Quality Street they decide it’s just not going to happen. Real people. Real attitudes to getting fat.

December 18, 2009
7 Reasons to go to the Football Match

1. History. You get no sense of history watching a match on television. If you go to the Milton End at Fratton Park though, you can see an impressive recreation of the football experience in Victorian times. If it weren’t for the presence of “ladies” and the absence of flat-caps and rattles I would have believed I’d gone back in time. They even exhorted their team to “play up.” Nobody’s done that since colour was invented. I think I saw Dickens in the row behind me, sitting between a Muffin Man and an urchin.

2. Perspective. When you watch televised football, most of the footage is shot side-on from the main stand. This gives a good perspective on the game and gives you a tactical overview of events. You can get this at live football too, by sitting in the centre of one of the main stands. If you prefer excitement, however, nothing beats sitting behind the goal that your team is attacking. The spectacle of watching your strikers shooting at the space directly ahead of you is unsurpassable.*

*If your strike-force contains an Aliadiere or a Voronin you can replicate this experience by sitting near a corner-flag, the one furthest from the barn-door and the cows-arse.

3. Wit. There’s much wit and humour to be heard at live football. There are funny chants, heckles, pithy observations and bawdy asides. Wigan are considering signing Chilean defender Waldo Ponce in January. I may move to the North-West and buy a season ticket. It’s a name with enormous humour potential, the best since Celtic signed Rafael Scheidt.

4. Alan Green. Supercilious hectoring blabbermouth Alan Green might be at the match but don’t worry, it’s quite noisy there and you won’t be able to hear him. Also, he won’t be able to talk over everyone in the crowd whose opinion differs from his own, which is at least 97% of them – the ones with eyes in their heads and functioning brains.

5. Advise. You can’t help your team by watching the match at home. At the match you can, by shouting. If you’ve spotted something the players haven’t, or developed a new tactic that your manager hasn’t considered, you can let them know instantly. Who knows? You may even change the course of the match with your perceptive insights. Or you may not, like the man next to me three weeks ago who bellowed “Get the ball!” whenever his team weren’t in possession. He is presumably the man that warnings on coffee cups and rear-view-mirrors are for, I had wondered.

6. Pedestrians. Football matches are dangerous places for cars. Tannoy announcements often seem to consist of an endless stream of car-park calamity. “Can the owner of a silver Ford Focus (they’re all silver), registration number xxx xxxx please go to the car park as their car has its lights on/has its windows open/is parked in the way/is on fire/has rolled away/has the keys in the door/has been struck by the opposing team’s bus/is being vandalised/is playing Radio 2 at an immoderate volume. Militant pedestrians love hearing this litany of automotive adversity, it may be why they go.

7. Comedy. When you watch football on television, the cameras aren’t following the referee and often miss it when he does something funny, like falling over. I can’t think of anything that is funnier than a referee falling over, except for a referee falling over a dog…or a referee falling over a linesman…or a referee being chased by a rogue elephant…or a referee being satirised by Ian Hislop…or a referee slipping on a banana skin dropped by the fourth official…

There are many things funnier than the referee falling over. The ref falling over is still very funny though. If you go to the match, you may witness it.

December 17, 2009
7 Reasons To Fly With British Airways This Christmas

1. You’re the boss. The last thing BA need now is more bad publicity. The staff, therefore, are going to be under strict instructions to be extra pleasant to customers. Anything from getting away with being 3kg overweight (your luggage that is) to a constant supply of dry roasted peanuts could be yours.

2. Bump it up. With the cancellation of so many flights, planes are going to be even more overbooked than usual. BA are going to have to let the masses into Club Class – a beautiful place that doesn’t involve recreating the Gauntlet from Gladiators whenever you want to go to the toilet.

3. Relax. Flying with young children is stressful at the best of times, let alone at Christmas. It’s not a proven fact, but a quick poll suggests that 99% of parents would really rather not fly with their offspring. Thankfully, only 13% of these people decide to leave their children at the airport and go off by themselves. The other 87% just cancel their flights and stay at home. And that is exactly what they will be doing this year. Which means you can enjoy your flight without the constant sound of crying babies or the prospect of getting arrested upon arrival at your destination having throttled the little git who had been kicking the back of your seat for two hours.

4. Richard Branson. He never flies with BA.

5. Welcome on board. The six members of BA’s 12,500 strong cabin crew that haven’t decided to go on strike, will be on your flight. And make no mistake about it, they will be feeling the heat. So much so that an extra button may just happen to be undone on their shirts. Oh yes, they’ll be using their sex appeal this festive period. There’ll be a whole lot more bending over you on BA this Christmas. Just to keep you happy. And if you are really lucky it may even be a woman. (If you are a woman, you may wish to read that as man).

6. No clappers. A lot of Americans who are due to fly to the UK with BA will now decide to cancel their flights. This means that when you fly out to the US for New Year there will be a dearth of Yanks returning home. As a result, when you land at JFK there won’t be a round of applause for the pilot – officially the third most annoying thing in the world, after, one, applauding at the end of a film and, two, Janet Street-Porter. Why do Americans do it anyway? Why do they applaud the pilot? I’ve just spent £800 on a plane ticket. The least I expect is that I actually get to my destination alive. Just stop it America. Stop it. It’s very silly. And bloody annoying.

7. Back British. It’s no secret that BA are in dire financial straits. They need your money. If you don’t fly with them they will have to implement more cost-cutting strategies. Anything could happen. Leg room could be reduced to get more seats on the plane. You may have to start sharing flight socks with Doreen (she’s 78 and has a gout issue). They may even make omelettes appear at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is your duty to stop this happening. It is your duty to fly with BA.

December 16, 2009
007 Reasons to be a Bond Villain

James Bond: Suave, sophisticated, international jet-setting spy and cultural icon. Every boy wants to grow up to be like Bond. But isn’t he just a tad dull? Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be a Bond villain? Of course it would. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Clothes. James Bond dresses well. He usually wears smart-casual gear when he isn’t working, or a bespoke suit if he is. As nice as they are though, they’re still the clothes of an office worker. Bond villains can wear whatever they want – they’re the boss. Usually they eschew convention and go for a light-brown suit with a Nero-collar, a light-brown Mao-suit or a light-brown safari-suit. No one makes fun of them though, they might end up as anaconda food. Bond villains can wear whatever they like without criticism, even light-brown.

2. Pets. Bond villains often have pets. Usually it’s a cat, which is good, or sometimes it’s a shark, which is probably higher maintenance and less fun to stroke, but still good. James Bond has never had a pet, which is a bit weird.

3. Girls. Most Bond girls are employed by the villain, not by Bond. So if you’re the villain, you can choose whichever Bond girls you like. We have chosen Jennifer Aniston.

Caress O’Hare regarded the tall, well dressed, unconscious newcomer as he was dragged into the sumptuous office. Her emotions a heady cocktail of disdain and desire, she leaned provocatively against the front of the large desk, her miniskirt displaying her lustrous, shapely legs to full advantage. The henchmen tied the man – still attired in formal evening wear, two small drops of blood visible on the front of his white shirt – to a chair facing the desk. The burlier of the henchmen took a soda syphon from atop a filing cabinet and began to spray water into the man’s face. Bond came-to suddenly, shaking his head to dispel the liquid and exhaling to clear it from his mouth, sending a fine spray in her direction. “You bitch!” he exclaimed angrily as the water cleared from his eyes. The henchman replaced the soda syphon. From the seat behind the desk a deep, clear voice spoke.

“You have meddled enough in our affairs, Mr Bond, and have now outlived your usefulness. However, we are gentlemen. We won’t kill you if you give us seven reasons that we should spare your life.”

“Seven!” Bond was incredulous. “You inhuman monster! That’s impossible!”

As the henchmen dragged Bond away to the tank of killer cows, Caress O’Hare turned to her employer, the man with the golden bicycle. “He was a fine figure of a man, you never let me have any fun.”

“Never mind that feeble-minded establishment thug,” he said brusquely, “I have decided that we shall be married.”

“That’s wonderful,” she replied, touching her hair, “I’ve always wanted to be more than Friends.”

4. Accommodation. Bond lives in a poky London flat and, when traveling, stays at a series of dull hotels. Bond villains get to live in bunkers where people in colourful boiler suits drive Mini Mokes, in futuristic houses that rise up from the sea, in space, in a volcano, in mansions, in a house full of ladies on top of a mountain, Bond villains dwell in all sorts of cool places. These homes are stacked to the rafters with shiny stuff and amazing gadgets. The best gadget in Bond’s flat is probably his electric tie-rack.

5. Exertion. Bond has to work out a lot. There’s always some sort of emergency that requires him to show off his chest or chase things. Bond villains, on the other hand, don’t have to strip to the waist for spurious reasons and they never, ever run. They sometimes even get a monorail that transports them around their own house. Bond villains can relax and eat a pie whenever they like. Bond villains can be lazy.

6. Imagination. Bond likes to keep his killing simple, preferring to shoot people or push them off cliffs. Bond villains take a far more creative approach to inflicting death on people. Their elaborate schemes involve lasers, computers, submarines, spaceships, missiles, satellites and command centres chock-full of machines that beep, flash, whir and spin. Bond is a dullard; Bond villains are imaginative.

7. Lines. James Bond can tell you his name, own name, and how he would like his vodka-martini prepared. That’s about as eloquent as he gets. Bond villains, in contrast, spout pithy lines of intelligence, malevolence and wit. Their lines are far superior to the semi-articulate drivel spouted by Bond.

Blofeld: I had heard that you were dead.
Bond: This is my second life.
Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.

December 15, 2009
7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke

1. Andy Murray. Where was he? If Andrew Strauss could be on a live link, then why couldn’t Murray? He may have had a legitimate reason, but as things stand he has just made it slightly harder for me to like him again. Goodness me, that boy’s an effort.

2. Coach of the Year. Yes, Fabio Capello has done a good job with England – I say good job, it’s actually a sad indictment of English football that it takes an Italian coach to make the players England possess play well together – but what did he actually coach us to? Top spot in the qualifying table. The last time I checked that meant sod all – apart from that it is part one of the proper job. Have the panel ever heard of Ross Brawn or Declan Kidney? How did they not even make the shortlist? Muppetry.

3. Team of the Year. Well, the pundits got this half right. The sport was right, sadly the team was not. England Women’s Cricket Team should have won this. What more did the pundits want them to do? They won the Ashes. They won the World Cup. They won the Twenty20 World Cup. That’s really quite a big clue. More muppetry.

4. Kelly Holmes. What the hell was she wearing? If I was a girl I am pretty sure that would have been the kind of outfit I would want to have worn when I was about twelve and going bowling with my friends Bianca and Stace.

5. James Corden. For a minute I thought he had just wandered into the wrong studio, but then he appeared on stage. And then he presented an award. If the BBC wanted him to present an award they should have had him on BBC2 getting ready to handover the Pukka Pies UK Snooker Championship trophy.

6. Andrew Strauss. Personally, I think he should have won – for reasons I have outlined before on this website – but not even coming in the top three is bizarre. He single-handedly dragged a team that was humiliated in the West Indies to winning the Ashes just five months later. It wasn’t like 2005 when England had beaten everyone in the past eighteen months. What more do our sportsmen/women have to do to please people?

7. Ryan Giggs. Yes, the big one. How the bloody hell is Ryan Giggs Sports Personality of the Year 2009? I am still trying to work it out. Yes, he had a fine year. Yes, he is a fine player. Yes, it is refreshing to have a footballer with humility in a sport where there is severe lack of it (not that that should be grounds for winning SPOTY). But seriously? He did not have a better sporting year than six World Champions. He did not have a better year than an Ashes winning captain. He did not have a better year than a tennis player who reached the ranking of number two in the world. He did not have a better year than a six-time Tour de France stage winner. Give him a lifetime achievement award someday, sure, but no one can tell me he deserved to beat the other nine contenders this year. But as you voted for him, please try. I really need to understand this.

December 14, 2009
Guest Post: 7 reasons I feel at home in liberal towns

We love it when we find other 7 Reasons pieces on the internet, especially good ones. We found this one via Twitter. It’s written by Vince Marotte, who is the Internet Pastor at the Gateway Church in Austin, Texas. He’s kindly given us permission to use it. It was originally posted on his blog, where you can also read about his love of Radiohead and He-Man blankets (he’ll fit in quite well here then).

When I was laying the groundwork for planting a church last year, one important value I had was planting in a city where I fit in. Long story short; the profiles kept pointing to liberal towns. Which I could have told you prior to taking assessments and doing the interviews. On a side note, the church we’re planting is now going to be on the Internet…based in Austin.

In conversations with people back in California and the various other places I have people, I often mention the fact that I really dig Austin because it’s a liberal town. When I say that, I mean it in the most broad sense and I’m not even thinking about politics; let’s face it, when it comes to the issues that actually make the world go around the difference between Democrats and Republicans is nominal at best. Not to mention the fact I don’t subscribe to either paradigm; I’m a Pro-Life Libertarian for what it’s worth, which means I’m more conservative than Republicans and more liberal than Democrats…if that’s possible.

7 reasons I feel at home in liberal towns:

1. Less Hummers. Historically I drive small cars and I can’t stand getting stuck behind monster trucks when I’m going down the freeway. Not to mention the taking up of two parking spots. I won’t say drivers are better in liberal towns…but they do less damage in their Volvos and hybrids.

2. Educated Population. I suck at small talk and I don’t watch much in the way of sports, college basketball being the one exception. In a highly educated liberal town I find it much easier to find people to talk with about things like the Large Hadron Collider, flaws in the federal reserve system and whatever was on NPR this morning. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with blue collar towns…it’s just not my thing.

3. Protestors. I’m someone that thinks the American population needs to take to the streets a little more often; it’s a great way to keep our government in check, because our power to vote doesn’t seem to be working. I can’t quite pinpoint the exact reasons why there seem to be more protesters in liberal towns, but my best guess is that most liberal towns have a generous surplus of college students and a larger single population in general. Married people with kids a far less likely to take the day off work to go protest the WTO, Monsanto, war or whatever.

4. Whole Foods. I love me some Whole Foods. I’m a foodie and a hack chef and I can always count on Whole Foods to have the goods. Not to mention the fact that my family eats organic, natural, grass fed…blah blah blah. It’s clear that Whole Foods targets liberal towns as their market.

5. Local Everything. Liberal towns are good to their local businesses. Educated liberals tend to care about stuff like that where as in conservative towns people have become dependent on Wal-Mart and Costco.

6. The Arts. I love music and art. Liberal towns are really the only place where music and art scenes flourish. Again, this has something to due with the population of single people, and they are willing and able to do the starving artist thing.

7. People Give You the Benefit of the Doubt. At the center of a conservative view of politics is the concept that mankind is inherently evil; whereas at the core of a liberal view is the opposite, that mankind is inherently good. These thoughts are quite often subconscious and not often completely understood by either side of the concepts and there are exceptions to the rule. All that to say the people in liberal towns general give everyone the benefit of the doubt and it creates good energy. I will say that a proper understanding of either view can lead you to think positive of everyone.

Maybe the sociologists out there can help me complete my thoughts?

December 13, 2009
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Spooks Are Different To Humans

Today sees us hand over the reins of 7 Reasons to guest writer, Bri McIntosh. All compliments can still be sent to us. We’ll pass them on. No, seriously, we will. But then again you are probably a fan of joy, so we suggest you visit his blog here and and follow him on twitter here.

1. Accidents and illness. The average human being is susceptible to getting a common injury such as a sprained ankle or getting a bout of the common cold. This never happens to a Spook. A Spook might cut themselves shaving but even this is a rarity unless said cut is inextricably linked to a complex and convoluted plot that involves DNA corruption, mistaken identities and high level tensions.

2. Bombs. Average human beings cannot defuse bombs. Even bomb disposal specialists use robots. Spooks can defuse massive bombs using only their hands. This is often only done with seconds to spare and a Spook never breaks sweat doing so.

3. Nature calls. When nature calls the average human being takes themselves off to the loo. Spooks never seem to need to use the loo, even in life threatening situations when the body might take on a mind of its own.

4. Traffic jams. On any given day it takes the mere mortal citizen an age to cross London. This rule does not apply to Spooks however. A Spook can get anywhere in London in the blink of an eye and never has to suffer the annoyance of a traffic jam. Which is just as well really, because even without getting stuck behind the 211 bus, they only ever get to the bomb two minutes before it detonates.

5. Drinking on the job. For the average human being, drinking alcohol at work is a sackable offence. Spooks, on the other hand, especially head-honchos called Harry, can knock back a couple of shorts and still save the world on a weekly basis. Nor do they ever seem to have hangovers.

6. Never out of range. According to the TV series Spooks, operatives use iPhones. During filming the iPhone was only available on O2. O2 have shocking 3G coverage in London, yet for some reason you never see Lucas cursing his phone or standing on a chair waving it about. Somehow, wherever he is, he always has a signal.

7. Accents. A Spook can get away with improvising any accent. Even when they do it badly. If I walked into a bank and put on a Russian accent that seemed to have come via Berlin and Newcastle-upon-Tyne, I would not only be laughed at but probably asked to leave the premises. A Spook does it and they will be sat in the manager’s office within seconds. Probably with free biscuits.

December 12, 2009
7 Reasons to Hate Pigeons

1. Impudence. Pigeons poo on statues. This is disrespectful. They poo on Churchill, they poo on Nelson, they poo on Eros. Pigeons poo on all of the nice statues of people and gods that we like. Pigeons don’t poo on statues of Michael Winner or Margaret Thatcher. This may be because we don’t have any, but if we did, pigeons probably wouldn’t poo on them, because pigeons are horrid and annoying.

2. Freeloading. We regularly hear stories (some of us have even witnessed this) of pigeons using London Underground trains to get across London. Do they pay for this? No. These sponging vermin are using our transport system at our expense. They didn’t help build it and they don’t contribute anything to its maintenance or running costs. I have to carry an Oyster Card, so should they. Let’s staple Oyster Cards to them.

3. Imagery. Pigeons are oft described as “winged rats.” That’s “rats,” terrifying pointy-faced, sharp-toothed creatures. That’s “winged,” which is one of the scariest words in the English language when pronounced as a word of two syllables, “wing-ed.” “Wing-ed rats.” It makes me shudder.

4. Idiots. Pigeons attract idiots. Look at this American woman in the Piazza San Marco, Venice. She’s in one of the most beautiful parts of one of the world’s loveliest cities and she’s fascinated by the pigeons. She’s clearly an idiot. She could be looking at the Basilica, she could be looking at the Doge’s Palace, she could be looking at the Procuratie Vecchie but no, she’s looking at pigeons. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bloody pigeon-woman.

5. War. Pigeon excrement was the only known source of saltpetre (potassium nitrate) in 16^th century England. Saltpetre is an essential ingredient in gunpowder, so if your Tudor house was damaged by canon-balls or if your copotain hat was knocked from your head by musket-shot five-hundred years ago, you can blame pigeons.

6. Emasculation. Wood pigeons are the larger, nobler cousins of the urban pigeon. Historically these creatures, with their quite pleasant and distinctive call, have been content to live in trees far away from people (who do not live in trees). Recently though, a pair of these creatures have moved in near to a house belonging to a friend of mine. Their favourite game is to poo on the love of his life (his shiny, expensive German car) and then to sit on his garden fence cooing at him. They do this every day. Not unnaturally, this makes him very cross. If he could get hold of them, he would probably tear their heads off in a murderous rage, but every time he approaches, they casually retreat to a safe distance and continue taunting him. It is because of this that he is now known as The Pigeons’ Bitch. And because of me, obviously. He should never have told me.

7. Profiteering. The use of a fleet of trained carrier pigeons was instrumental in the allowing the Rothschild banking family to make vast fortunes during the Napoleonic wars. They were able to manipulate financial markets for their own gain, based on having exclusive access to early information about the results of battles. Pigeons filled the bankers’ wallet (the Reverend Spooner himself would have been proud of that one, and astonished by the mental image).

December 11, 2009
7 Reasons To Holiday At The Airport

1. Anticipation. Getting on a plane is quite exciting. (Unless you’re going on a business trip to the middle of Russia. But let’s assume you are not). Let’s assume you are supposedly going somewhere nice. Kingston, Jamaica for example. That really is quite exciting. The thought of spending time on a beach and hanging around with people who say, ‘No problum marn’ a lot, is very exciting. Holiday-ing at an airport means you can experience this anticipation every minute of everyday.

2. Duty-Free. The airport is full of it. You can stock up on so many gifts. And let’s face it, no one can have too many AAA sized batteries or an adaptor for the electrical system in Outer Mongolia.

3. Joy. There probably aren’t many more wonderful places than the arrivals gate at an airport. Unless it’s in an airport in the middle of Russia and you are on a business trip. But you’re not are you? You are on holiday in Heathrow Terminal 5. Here you witness thousands upon thousands of people being reunited with family and friends. It’s a beautiful sight. One that makes you feel up warm and fuzzy inside. Incidentally, it is also a hotspot for the exchange of boomerangs, sombreros and ushankas.

4. Cheap Thrills. Apparently it’s actually illegal to holiday in an airport. Which makes it all the more fun to try and do it. The thrill of hiding in a cupboard in Sunglasses Hut hoping that no one will find you has no equal. I imagine it’s like having sex in a lift. But I wouldn’t know. I have always worried about what the other people in the lift would think. Especially the girl’s boyfriend.

5. Get A Job. Obviously you’d struggle to get a job in McDonald’s as you left your P45 at home, but, as Tom Hanks showed in The Terminal, there is always a bit of building work that needs doing. It’s cash-in-hand and you get to meet Catherine Zeta-Jones. Bonus.

6. Get On TV. People are always filming at airports. If they aren’t filming Paris Hilton then they will be filming a real man’s man in the form of Jeremy Spake. All you need to do is wander onto the wrong plane and suddenly he’s all over you. He could make you a star. Or make you go home. He’s like marmite.

7. Comedy. The queue for check-in is a remarkable place. On average people have to queue up for ten minutes. And in those ten minutes they check they have their passport about 40 times. Then they check their watch 50 times before looking anxiously at the departures board. Then they make sure the padlock on their suitcase is locked about 72 times. Then they get to the check-in desk and realise their passport expired three weeks ago. Oh, the look on their sorry little faces is a picture. Enjoy it.

December 10, 2009