Tag: 7 reasons
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7 Reasons That the Summer 2010 Lakeland Catalogue is Amazing
The Lakeland summer 2010 catalogue only arrived at our house yesterday. I don’t know how I’ve survived the early part of the summer without it. It provides us all with a glimpse into the future. In fact, it’s amazing. Here are seven reasons why.
1. The Dishwasher Smellkiller. This amazing device kills dishwasher odours stone-dead. I’ve never used one before, so the inside of my dishwasher must stink to high-heaven. I’ve always foolishly assumed that the only way to remove smells effectively is to sterilise the cause of them. And the only device I have that’s capable of sterilising things on a large scale is my dishwasher. And I can’t very well put my dishwasher into that, can I? But now the people at Lakeland have solved the problem of pungent sterile environments with the dishwasher smellkiller. They’re amazing, they think of everything.
2. Improved: Fridge & Freezer Defroster. It’s not just a fridge and freezer defroster; it’s an improved fridge and freezer defroster! I feel like a caveman. This may surprise or appal you, but I’ve been defrosting my freezer by just turning the power off and wandering away from it. I must be backwards.
3. The Metallic Shelf Liner. Because nothing in your kitchen will say homely and wholesome more than lining your cupboards with a detailed industrial diamond plate metal texture. It’s what Mad Max would do. It’s repositionable too, enabling you to move it about within your cupboards, making it both stylish and fun.
4. The Three Pan Protectors. Sometimes, due to space issues, you may be forced to stack pans inside each other. With a heavy heart and nagging conscience, you’ll place a pan inside another pan, knowing, just knowing, the devastation that your reckless action may cause, but wait…just wait! The good people of Lakeland have the solution to all pan-damage. They will provide you with three machine washable pan protectors for only £4.99! And they don’t resemble sanitary towels in the slightest.
5. In The Bedroom. There comes a point, later in the catalogue, when the lettering changes to pink and the “in the bedroom” section begins. I must say, I felt a frisson of excitement when I saw this. Ah, at last, the bedroom. What wondrous, sensual gadgets do Lakeland have in store for the bedroom? The Lakeland goose-feather-erotic-tickler? The Lakeland hand-held telescopic five-way mirror? The Lakeland ambient cellulite-flattering nightlight? No. More unexpected than any of those things. Brace yourself. It’s the Lakeland padded trouser hanger.
It’s not a device for hanging your padded trousers on (I fervently hope). It’s a padded device for hanging your ordinary trousers on. Because they need insulating from the harsh, cold, metallic bars of the conventional trouser-hanger. Otherwise, what are we? Savages?
6. The Perfect Tear Kitchen Roll Holder. It’ll banish ‘unravelling roll syndrome’ from your kitchen forever. I know I feel relieved. The catalogue picture demonstrates how it works: You just tear off the metal knob at the top with one hand, and that will put a stop to the problem of kitchen-roll-unravelling. It’s a wonder of the modern age. There’s even testimony. Frances S of London has “…suggested it to many friends…” presumably before they attempted to drown themselves in their soup, but wait…Frances S isn’t the stupefying dullard that she might initially appear to be, as she goes on to reveal that, “…you really can tear off one sheet, while juggling pans, babies, cats or whatever else you need to deal with.” Wow! She’s awesome! Frances S is a cat-and-baby juggler. Who wouldn’t pay to see that? I wish they’d put a picture of that in.
7. The Over-Door Storage Rack. “Oh No!” I can hear you thinking. “He’s going to make fun of the over-door storage rack“. Not bloody likely. After all, the giant has one of those in his kitchen, as this lady discovered.
And that’s it. I’ve reached seven reasons. And I didn’t even get the chance to mention the castor cups which “stop unsightly dints” or the willow stair basket. I’ve left the pictures so that you may marvel at them both.
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Russian Roulette Sunday: A Picture and a Horse With No Trailer
Hi there! It’s Russian Roulette Sunday again and we distinctly remember expressing the hope last week that our new trailer would be ready today. This was foolish. Experience should have taught us that there would be some sort of technical cock-up and there has been, delaying the final pieces of filming by about a week. Some of the artwork has arrived though, so feel free to enjoy that instead.
In other news, we need to issue an apology to anyone that tried to visit our website between 00:30 and 02:20 on Friday morning. A redirection plugin that we were using on one of the sub-pages malfunctioned and turned our website into a horse. This horse:
As a consequence of the malfunction, anyone attempting to access any part of 7Reasons.org was automatically redirected to a full-screen version of this picture, so if you were one of the people affected, we apologise for any distress that this error caused. We fully appreciate just how terrifying the appearance of the surprise-horse was. In fact, one of us (we will preserve his anonymity) shrieked and fell from his chair while recoiling from it, possibly startling some whippets and racing-pigeons. Rumours that he exclaimed, “by eck!” are unsubstantiated.
We have decided to call him Alan The Scary Horse. We tried out many other names while we were feverishly trying to wrest control of our site from his evil clutches, and the one that we’ve settled on seems positively printable in comparison to them.
7 Reasons – horse permitting – will return tomorrow.
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Guest Post: 7 Reasons That It’s Pimm’s O’Clock
It’s another Saturday here in Blighty and that means another chance for Marc and I to leave the comfort of the sofa and go and air our hairy legs. All four of them. In our place today then, is John Phipps. A man who, when not painting Gordon Brown’s face, can be found doing other things. Though we’re not quite sure what. For those of you in the twitterati, you can follow John here. But do that after he’s talked to you about Pimm’s. It’s only courteous.
So far in England we’ve had a summer of sporting mediocrity – topped off with headaches from the whine of Vuvuzelas and Sue Barkers’ bitter tone. Amazingly the sun is still looking favourably upon our otherwise gloomy Nation as music festivals and sporting events help draw our attention away from our melancholy lives.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a proper English summer. With everything in place, it seems appropriate that the mind should turn to Pimm’s – the quintessentially English Summer drink. In its traditional style, 7 Reasons is here to help celebrate “Pimm’s O’clock” with seven somewhat ironic, self-mocking pointers.
1. Quality refreshment. A sensible man would say refreshment comes in the form of water. Brian Badonde would even join me in saying “Bah!” to those opting for some Council juice on a warm day. What sets Pimm’s aside from the rest is its ability to truly refresh. The fabulously fruity rich mix, shifts the clouds with sweet honey-like sunshine resin. Your palate will explode long before your bladder as you taste the heady delights of the English summer.
As an added bonus for those of you clogging up the NHS, the fruit not only gives added enjoyment but counts for a significant part of your important 5 a-day too.* Your Consultant will be (slightly) pleased.
2. Prudence. Guardian columnist Oliver Thring (who by the way sports a truly magnificent side parting) wrote that Pimm’s “epitomises seasonal events featuring irritating rich people: trilbied fops in preposterous blazers; hawing women in silly hats; drunken trustafarians lounging on riverbanks; fans of Nigel Farage doorstepping ahead of European elections.”
Now, I’m not a fan of Nigel Farage, more of a Bercow man myself, but young Oliver is spot on; this bizarre scene is a fundamental part of the attraction. Some drink Stella and go home and beat their wife. Others sip Pimm’s and go home after beating themselves because they threw a game of croquet. It’s a drink for those with common sense.
3. Social Mobility. Fortunately the price seems to dissuade anti-socialites and general miscreants from dropping their favoured bottle of White Lightning for a Pimm’s. I defy anybody to find evidence of Pimm’s being drunk neat, or otherwise, on park benches by the Adidas tracksuit brigade. It is widely believed too that Staffordshire Bull Terriers will not drink this refined goodness. That being said, there is every opportunity with Pimm’s to elevate your standing – therefore perfect for the character who some years ago failed the 12+ or an entrance exam at Stowe and ended up carrying a briefcase into a modern Comprehensive on his first day in Year 8.
You see a nice ‘whistle’ or a posh frock only go some of the distance in pushing you up the ladder. However, put a jug of Pimm’s on the table and a glass in hand and you my friend could be someone with symbolic capital. The power of absolute mobility that this drink possesses is indeed, absolute.
4. Grandeur. Only a sexually insecure beefcake or a leftie with a face like a melted wellington would refuse a Pimm’s – regardless of cost. Pimm’s is Land Of Hope And Glory and Jerusalem in a glass. It screams Pomp and Circumstance with its typeface let alone its taste. It arouses illusions of grandeur, times gone by; an idealised Nation; a Country under Thatcher; a home-grown Wimbledon winner; Mr Darcy; cricket at Wormsley, the majesty of Temperate House; an impassioned Glyndebourne.
Prince William and his Army chums once cleared the supermarket shelves in Weymouth just after I bought my first bottle of the summer. I hope the lucky bar-stewards didn’t choke on a strawberry, but love him or hate him, be assured that this is a drink of Kings.
5. Women. Proper ladies don’t drink Pints of lager; it’s not the done thing, so be on guard for freeloaders. Make sure your flys aren’t undone etc. First impressions count and Pimm’s has already done the hard work for you. Don’t let yourself down.
6. Create Perfection. The official recipe is one part Pimm’s to three parts lemonade, strawberry, orange and mint, mixed generously with ice. Generally speaking one should stick to it. I would suggest perhaps using Tonic Water instead of lemonade, adding cucumber and maybe a stick or two of celery.
If your greengrocer has run out of celery, a Chelsea fan is bound to have some.
7. Imitation is suicide. The world is full of pretenders, I urge you not to join them by succumbing to a cheaper and quite frankly, poorer alternative. You will think you are cool, but instead you are unquestionably sad. You need to ‘wake up and smell the cock’ before your half-empty glass ruins your life.
You will not reach more of a lower point in life than if a guest samples your fake product and comments accordingly. At this point you will probably continue drinking the alternative just to forget what happened. This is not clever and you really should have read points 1-6 more carefully.
*Not scientifically proven, just an educated guess.
**DRINK RESPONSIBLY. Pimm’s is not good to binge on and can make quite a mess for your partner to clear up the next day. It will also quite probably smell most foul.
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7 Reasons That Size is Important
Whether you’re a cricketer, a despot, a politician or a git; size matters. Here are 7 reasons why.
1. Geoffrey Boycott. If Geoff Boycott had used a bat this size, no bowler would ever have taken his wicket. Carrying the large bat would also have caused him to move more slowly, meaning that there would have been fewer instances of him running team-mates out. The obdurate Boycott would have been so effective with the larger bat that, having started this match in 1979, he would probably still be batting now. With a score of about thirty runs.
2. David Cameron. I have shrunk David Cameron and his relative size in this picture is a more accurate representation of the UKs importance in the world order. It serves him right for belittling war heroes on his recent trip to the USA: He caused me to agree with the Daily Mail! This is his punishment.
3. My Cat. If my cat were this size then he would terrorize the city of York, wreaking untold havoc, death and destruction on the population by falling asleep on them about once every ten minutes. He is quite useless. And fortunately quite small.
4. Piers Morgan. If Piers Morgan’s head were…oh…Piers Morgan’s head is this size. Pretend you haven’t seen it. I know I will.
5. Umbrellas. If umbrellas were this small then they would be ineffective, and people would soon realise that having wet hair isn’t the end of the world. Golf umbrellas would no longer block entire streets and incidences of tall people being poked in the eye by the damned things would plummet, causing me to shout less at short people, making the world a more peaceful and harmonious place.
6. Hitler’s Hand. If Hitler’s hand had been this size, the strain brought about by all of the saluting would have caused him to bring about a rapid demilitarisation of Nazi Germany, which would have given him the time to set more peaceful goals and to consider important questions, such as: Why do the British think that one of my testicles is in the Albert Hall? What does my moustache really say about me? Why does Himmler’s hat have a triangle embedded in it?
7. Indiana Jones’s Hat. If Indiana Jones had worn a hat this size then Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would never have been made, as he would barely have made it past the opening scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark and, even if he had, would never have escaped the large boulder thing in the middle of the film. If I had worn a hat this size to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, my viewing experience would have been immeasurably improved, as would that of the couple behind me.
*I got all the way to the end without saying penis. Yay!
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7 Reasons A Cow On The Line Is Not So Bad
I got stuck behind a cow yesterday. This is my story.
1. Reflect…on the countryside and the beauty of it all. The greens and the yellows and the reds and the blues that you always take for granted. The only thing missing is the black and the white. Because it’s on the bloody line in front of you.
2. Relax…a cow on the line is fairly harmless. Unless it’s two terrorists on the way to pantomime. You should be thankful that it’s only a cow. It could have been Aliens. Or a Polar Bear. Or Von Ryan’s Express. Or Kerry Katona.
3. Reminisce…about the good times. A time when 3G didn’t exist and so you never got stuck in a train in an area lacking 3G. Remember how you never used to switch your phone off and on to see if that helped. Or held it above your head. Or below your legs. Or below the legs of the person in front of you.
4. Reacquaint…yourself with good music. Whatever is on your iPod at the time. Edison Lighthouse for example. Within thirteen repetitions of Love Grows (Where My Rosemary* Goes) you’ll be moving again. And people will be wondering what’s making that strange humming noise.
5. Rejoice…at the thought that those waiting to collect you from the station will not want to hang around in the station car park for an extra half-an-hour. They’ll go for a drive and see a Sainsburys and go in and buy Pork Pies. Which you’ll eat for lunch.
6. Reaffirm…how proud you are with yourself. It’s hard sitting on a train for 30 minutes longer than planned. Your stomach starts rumbling and the mad-Welsh woman keeps bragging about how good her buffet service is. You can resist that bacon sandwich. You can hang on until lunch. And you feel so much better for it. You feel like a better person. If a cow hadn’t got on the line and you’d have arrived at your destination on time, you’d still be lamenting the fact that you always end up sitting next to a fat person.**
7. Reason…that an hour after starting, ‘7 Reasons To Be Polite To Inanimate Objects’, it’s looking no better than when the idea formed in your head. There must be something else to write about.
*For obvious reasons (one of them, not seven), when I am singing this, I don’t use the name Rosemary. I use Jonathan.
**I’m not fattist. If people want to be fat in their own homes, then that is up to then. But when you are on the train you shouldn’t be so fat that you cause me to have an intimate relationship with the window.
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7 Reasons to Love Bubble Wrap
1. Association. Almost everything that you buy from ebay comes with free bubble wrap, and the sight of bubble wrap is mentally associated with the arrival of a new bike part or a jewellery tree or a silver letter opener or a miniature sewing machine or an owl statuette or a giant pen or a Back To The Future novelty clock (yes, our loft is heaving). The sight of bubble wrap means the arrival of stuff. And stuff is good. Especially red stuff.
2. Christmas. I once gave a large, fragile, Christmas present that was covered with a substantial quantity of bubble wrap. Within ten minutes, the gift had been discarded, and the recipient was clothed from head to toe in the bubble wrap, spinning, and shrieking with delight. She was 32. I believe she still has the bubble wrap.
3. It’s Better Than The Alternative (1). Bubble wrap is a far better packing material than polystyrene chips, which are perhaps the most pervasive thing known to man. I don’t know how, but when you remove an item from a box containing polystyrene chips, the quantity of chips in the box remains exactly the same. That’s in the unlikely event that the chips stay in the box, as they usually spill all over the floor and, even though you think you’ve got them all, they subsequently turn up on the floors of every room in the house. Oh, and in the cat. He loves them.
4. It’s Better Than The Alternative (2). When an ebay purchase arrives insulated in bubble wrap it says very little about the sender (other than they chose the correct insulation). When an ebay purchase arrives wrapped in newspaper, it says something quite different. Now I must admit, I’ve had an enjoyable time reading scraps of newspaper from around the world that came with ebay purchases, but I’ve also purchased items that have come wrapped in the Daily Mail. To this day, I still can’t look at our cow-patterned butter dish without thinking, “Fascists sent us that”. Fortunately I don’t go into the loft very often.
5. It’s inspirational. Joey Green and Tim Nyberg got inspired in a bar and wrote the first draft of The Bubble Wrap Book on 827 cocktail napkins. That’s the way to write. That sounds like a crazed, rambling, semi-coherent lost weekend of writing. I’m writing this alone in a room with no napkins, no bubble wrap and no cocktails. I’m wearing lounging pants. I’m doing it wrong. If only I had some bubble wrap. Or a cocktail.
6. Inevitably. Okay, you knew this was coming. You can pop it, which is probably the most satisfying, compelling and pointless activity that a lone person can be involved in (multiple people can have pillow fights). It’s not possible to be near bubble wrap without the thought, “pop it…pop it…pop it…POP IT!!!!!!!” echoing insistently through your mind. The compulsion to pop it is irresistible.
7. It’s ubiquitous. Bubble wrap gets everywhere. And thanks to the very clever OpalCat, it’s here and we can prove reason six. Enjoy! Manic mode is amazing, by the way.
<!– http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com –>
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7 Reasons Ironing Is Dangerous
1. Ironing Board Covers. Goodness knows why man can’t invent a cover that actually fits the ironing board properly. I don’t know, maybe it is just one of those impossible challenges. Like building a pyramid upside down. Anyway, an ironing board cover that decides to flap around and generally not stay where it is meant to, really annoys me. So much so that I might kick out. Unfortunately, the same git who decided not to design the cover properly, also left sharp bits of metal on the underside of the board.
2. Calluses. In the same way that one might gain calluses on their finger tips as they play the guitar, I am developing them where the fingers meet the palm of the hand. Not dangerous in itself, but a sign that I am developing a reputation for being someone who likes ironing. And that is a very dangerous reputation to live with.
3. RSI. No not Repetitive Strain Injury, but Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board. How the bloody hell am I supposed to remove all the creases from the duvet cover if I can only iron 12% of its surface area at anyone time? The rest just creases itself on the floor. So I have to do it again. And again. And again. Until I become an addict. And addictions are dangerous.
4. Trip Hazards. And while we are talking about my duvet cover creasing itself on the floor, I must also point out that it’s also trip hazard. Or at least 88% of it is. Poxy thing. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is. I don’t need props.
5. RSI. No, not Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board – we’ve dealt with that already – but Repetitive Strain Injury. There are only so many movements you can make with an iron – assuming you are doing the job properly anyway. Right to left or left to right seem to be the only options. I would love to do top to bottom, but whoever invented bras made it impossible.
6. Sharks. You may be thinking, ‘How they hell do sharks make ironing dangerous?’ Trust me, if you are doing your ironing on a surfboard the last thing you need to worry about is whether your girlfriend is going to notice that iron shaped burn.
7. People. They generally don’t like it when you iron their clothes. Especially if: (a) they are complete strangers and (b) they are wearing them at the time. Usually this will result in either: (a) a punch, (b) an arrest warrant or (c) both.
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7 Reasons That Jessi Slaughter’s Father Probably Should Have Kept Quiet
I’m sure that most of you reading this are, by now, aware of the Jessi Slaughter (not her real name) phenomenon. If you’re not, to summarise, she’s an eleven year old girl who did what any other eleven year old does, she was silly and she made some mistakes. She wound some people up in internet chat rooms and then made several threats to the people that disliked her including, “I’ll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy”. They took exception to this, and there was an astonishing internet hate campaign conducted against her. To be honest, the whole thing was rather tawdry and not worthy of our attention. Then her dad waded in:
Understanding of the Internet FAIL
Uploaded by failblog. – Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.Now, at 7 Reasons we occasionally like to think of ourselves as a self-help guide. And to this end, I feel compelled to address my remarks directly to Mr Slaughter, as it is surely he who needs my help the most.
1. You’re Not Very Good At Addressing The Camera. I dislike doing pieces to camera, mostly because I’m not very good at them. I tend to get a bit flustered and mangle my words, and it’s because I’m so bad at them that I try to avoid doing them at all costs. But I know this much, Mr Slaughter. When addressing the camera, you should never, ever get down on one knee at the start of every point that you want to make, only to spring up again afterwards, because it’s an undignified position for any gentleman – especially one who’s maturing in years – and it does tend to make you look like a bit of a fruitcake. Oh, and always try to wear trousers. Trousers are very important.
2. “…you’ve been reported to the cyber police…” Oh my god! Run for your lives! It’s THE CYBER POLICE!!! They sound futuristic and terrifying and now I’m cowering fearfully in the corner of my…hang on…the cyber police? There are no cyber police. You just made them up to intimidate the people you’re ranting at. Now, I’m no expert in making up shadowy organisations to intimidate internet users, but I can’t help thinking that the sort of people that spend their time trolling others via the internet might conceivably have some knowledge of its workings and be able to see through your deceit. If I were you Sir, I’d have used a real and scary organisation to threaten them with. But I sense that you realised this too, Mr Slaughter. Somewhere, in the midst of your furious rant, you seem to have grasped that the cyber police weren’t going to fool anyone and you did what any sensible person would have done in your situation; you added a secondary organisation.
3. “…and the state police…”. Yeah, that’s telling them. Tell them that the FBI are going to hunt them down, tell them that the CIA are hot on their trail, tell them that…wait…the state police? Mr Slaughter, Mr Slaughter, the state police? Seriously? These people?
4. Moustache. While watching your epic, and rather unhinged rant, Mr Slaughter, I fancied that I could hear another sound in the background. The sound of moustachioed men’s heads being placed in their hands as they collectively murmured all around the world, “Oh god. This’ll set us back years”. You see, Mr Slaughter, the moustache has been enjoying something of a renaissance of late, and is no longer the object of ridicule that it once was. That is until now. You have shamed the moustached community with your exploits, Sir. I firmly expect sales of safety razors to soar as a result of your buffoonery.
5. “…Consequences…will…never…be the same.” No, Mr Slaughter. And nor will my monitor, covered as it now is with most of the cup of camomile tea that I was attempting to consume while watching your video. Nor will my wife be, as she will surely remain traumatised by the sight of her husband spitting a beverage at his own computer before helplessly convulsing and writhing around on the floor for several minutes wholly unable to form words and barely able to breathe. My cat, you may be pleased to learn, seems unaffected by the spectacle. Oh, and before I forget, what the hell does consequences will never be the same mean?
6. Embarrassing Dads. Your daughter did a silly thing. She’s young, and we all make mistakes. No one wants to watch a red-faced eleven year old girl cry and this episode would have been a fleeting, yet soon forgotten, embarrassment for her if you hadn’t pitched in. Then, Mr Slaughter, and only then, did this video truly go viral. As you so insightfully and eloquently bellow toward the end of your rant, you are “HER FATHER” and you will probably go down as the most embarrassing dad in history. And George W. Bush has children.
7. Parenting. While I’m on the subject, when you state that you are “HER FATHER”, you are surely only referring to the biological aspect of parenthood. After all, what sort of parent allows his eleven year old daughter to go online with a webcam and threaten to shoot people or express the wish that they “get AIDS and die”? If you don’t want her to be vilified on the internet or upset by the reaction she gets from it, take it away from her, rather than mindlessly and somewhat comedically railing against the other people that use it, however childishly they may have behaved. The only part of this whole episode that’s funny is your rant, Mr Slaughter. The rest is horrifying.
