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7 Reasons That Size is Important

Posted on July 23, 2010 in Top Posts | 3 comments

Whether you’re a cricketer, a despot, a politician or a git; size matters.  Here are 7 reasons why.

Geoffrey Boycott at the crease batting with a giant cricket bat for England against India1. Geoffrey Boycott.  If Geoff Boycott had used a bat this size, no bowler would ever have taken his wicket. Carrying the large bat would also have caused him to move more slowly, meaning that there would have been fewer instances of him running team-mates out. The obdurate Boycott would have been so effective with the larger bat that, having started this match in 1979, he would probably still be batting now. With a score of about thirty runs.

A miniature David Cameron and Barack Obama walking on the White House Lawn. UK/USA summit.2.  David Cameron.  I have shrunk David Cameron and his relative size in this picture is a more accurate representation of the UKs importance in the world order. It serves him right for belittling war heroes on his recent trip to the USA: He caused me to agree with the Daily Mail! This is his punishment.

Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns menaces the previously peaceful city of York, dwarfing York Minster3.  My Cat.  If my cat were this size then he would terrorize the city of York, wreaking untold havoc, death and destruction on the population by falling asleep on them about once every ten minutes. He is quite useless. And fortunately quite small.

Piers Morgan seated and wearing a suit with a giant head4.  Piers Morgan.  If Piers Morgan’s head were…oh…Piers Morgan’s head is this size. Pretend you haven’t seen it. I know I will.

A black and white picture of an attractive young woman sheltering from the rain under a tiny umbrella5.  Umbrellas.  If umbrellas were this small then they would be ineffective, and people would soon realise that having wet hair isn’t the end of the world. Golf umbrellas would no longer block entire streets and incidences of tall people being poked in the eye by the damned things would plummet, causing me to shout less at short people, making the world a more peaceful and harmonious place.

Hitler reviewing a parade of troops and saluting them from his Mercedes.  Heinrich Himmler is also pictured.6.  Hitler’s Hand.  If Hitler’s hand had been this size, the strain brought about by all of the saluting would have caused him to bring about a rapid demilitarisation of Nazi Germany, which would have given him the time to set more peaceful goals and to consider important questions, such as: Why do the British think that one of my testicles is in the Albert Hall? What does my moustache really say about me? Why does Himmler’s hat have a triangle embedded in it?

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Movie Poster featuring Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones with a Large Hat

7.  Indiana Jones’s Hat. If Indiana Jones had worn a hat this size then Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would never have been made, as he would barely have made it past the opening scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark and, even if he had, would never have escaped the large boulder thing in the middle of the film.  If I had worn a hat this size to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, my viewing experience would have been immeasurably improved, as would that of the couple behind me.

*I got all the way to the end without saying penis.  Yay!

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  1. lmao at the size of that bat !!!

    hahah thought it was photoshopped at first

  2. Lol these pictures are awesome. Good job.

  3. heheheh So cool…nice Hitler hands

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