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7 Reasons January’s Premier League Transfer Window Was a Major Disappointment

The January transfer window closed yesterday after a month of fevered speculation and very little in the way of big deals. Here are 7 Reasons that it was a major disappointment.

1. Where’s Waldo? Despite strong rumours in December, Chilean defender Waldo Ponce was not signed by Wigan in the January transfer window. I can’t begin to express how disappointing this was. I wasn’t even consoled by their signing of Moses. Waldo Ponce…Waldo Ponce! It would have been amazing.

2. Loan moves. It seems that most of the transfers in this January’s window have been loan moves. That’s not surprising given the current financial state of many of many Premier League clubs, but the redistribution of players who are not deemed good enough to make it into the the first teams at their own clubs to other clubs is hardly exciting. Also, Robinho left the Premier League on a loan deal, and he was really entertaining me. Well, off the pitch, anyway.

Ruud van Nistelrooy visits the set of a popular American television show.

3. Ruud van Nistelrooy. A genuine world-class striker, he was linked with just about every major Premier League club this January and hasn’t gone to any of them. He’s gone to Hamburg where, if he can steer clear of hoof injuries, he should do rather well. Or if you believe Wikipedia, he’s signed for Gateshead many years into the future.

4. Harry. The ever-prolific Harry Redknapp has been disappointing during this transfer window – he’s only brought a couple of players in and sent a couple out on loan. Not only has he been unusually inactive this January, he’s also been below par when dealing with the media. This is how he announced the signing of Eider Gudjohnsen: “It was his decision to come to us. He said ‘I want to come to Tottenham’.” Sadly, I could find no Youtube footage of this revealing press conference.

5. Campbell. With the arrival of Thomas Vermaelen in the summer Arsenal seemed to have completed their defensive line-up. And, to most people, it appeared that all they needed to revitalise their team in January was a big, prolific striker and an aggressive defensive midfielder. So they re-signed lumbering war-horse, Sol Campbell. Opinion is divided over whether Sol will be a good signing for them. The argument from most of those in favour of the move seems to be that he was a great player once, so he’ll be fine, despite lacking the pace that most people believe is necessary to play in the Premier League. I just hope that he can still do this.

6. Manchester United. Behind Chelsea in the title race, it was supposed that Fergie would want to improve his squad in January. The most exciting transfer news from Old Trafford last month was Danny Wellbeck going out on loan to Preston North End. Do you remember where you were when you heard that? No, me either.

7. Final Day. The activity on the final day of the transfer window is usually frenetic and exciting. The biggest announcement on the final day of this window was that Robbie Keane had gone to Celtic on loan. That’s right, a talented and exciting player is leaving the Premier League – for a bit. That pretty much summed up this January transfer window. A loan move that does nothing to enrich the quality of the Premier League and not a lot else. It’s lucky we had John Terry to distract us.

February 2, 2010
7 Reasons It Is Stupid To Compare Asterix and Tintin

1. It’s A Moot Point. Comparing Asterix and Tintin is like comparing Superman and Spiderman. Or Batwoman and Catwoman. Each has their own talents and each has their own flaws. And to be honest, no one cares. Not even me. And I’ve spent the last week indulging in the subject.

2. Two Brains, One Brain. Asterix was invented by two people – illustrator, Albert Uderzo, and writer, Réne Goscinny – while Tintin was created by just one, Hergé, or to give him his proper name Georges Rémi. To say which is better is a bit like saying who is better when you have the Williams sisters on one side of the net and Andy Murray on the other.

3. Different Worlds. Asterix was set in the time of Julius Ceasar. 50BC. That’s quite a long time before Tintin hit the scene in the 20th Century. Think Cleopatra and Louis Theroux.

4. Different Styles. As Uderzo, Goscinny and Hergé all agreed in one of their very rare interviews together, the Adventures of Asterix were very much humorous adventures. Tintin’s adventures were the opposite. No, not unfunny jaunts. Just adventures with occasional humour slotted in. So basically it’s like comparing Paul Merton in China with Michael Palin’s Pole to Pole.

5. You’ll Be Wrong. Suggesting that Dogmatix is better than Snowy is asking for trouble. Suggesting Captain Haddock is a better name than Anticlimax is also inadvisable. The fact is that people are passionate about the things they love. Which means there is a never a right answer. But there is always a wrong answer.

6. Devaluing Greatness. By comparing the two works, you are automatically looking for ways in which you can devalue one or the other. That has to be wrong. They are two of the greatest comic book inventions ever. They deserve nothing but the utmost praise. So well done lads.

7. Default. It just is. The only reason I did it was because I needed something to write about. I don’t have a preference one way or the other. Though, if pushed, I would say Asterix. I like funny. Which is something we’ll get back to on Wednesday by the way.

February 1, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Remainder of the Reason

We have quite a strict format for our posts at 7 Reasons. We post every day and hope that people will read us every day; we appreciate that people come to spend their time with us so we try to respect it and not take up too much of it. This is why we try to write our 7 reasons concisely.

Sometimes though, this necessary brevity comes into conflict with the writing process. Once in a while you have an idea and become carried away with it; you start writing and words flow ceaselessly and effortlessly until, having typed for a good while without really being aware of doing so, you snap back to reality and discover you’ve written more words than you can possibly use.

This was the case last Tuesday. I wrote about aliens and why we shouldn’t contact them, I went on to suggest that they might conquer Earth and install Richard Bacon as their puppet-leader. That’s where that particular train of thought ended in 7 Reasons We Shouldn’t Try To Contact Aliens. That was a result of heavy editing though. Here, on Russian Roulette Sunday is…(Do the deep movie trailer voice again, you know you want to)

The Remainder of the Reason.

…The aliens might not want a global puppet-leader though. They might understand that Earth’s history abounds with internecine squabbling and conflict. The aliens might, therefore, want to install puppet-rulers on a nation-by-nation basis. If that is to be the case then the 7 Reasons team would like to respectfully suggest to our new alien-overlords that they appoint us as Britain’s puppet-leaders. We feel that we have a good understanding of British culture and history. We also have the necessary backgrounds and media skills to spin the decrees of our extraterrestrial controllers to the British people.

We feel certain that the aliens will accept our generous and selfless offer so, people of Britain, here’s how we will set about things.

Essentially, we imagine that under our government, the British way of life will remain substantially unaltered. You, our subjects, may begin to notice some minor changes under our rule though. All motorways will now have a ginger-only lane, for example. There will be a minimum height requirement for consumption of tiramisu. Cricket will be compulsory in all British schools, as will spelling.

We will also be introducing stricter dress codes. Not only will shopping in nightwear be punishable by death, but so will the wearing of sportswear by people not competing in the pertinent sport at the time of wearing. The tucking of trousers into socks will be punishable by transportation to Rhyl, as will wearing the wrong coloured top hat at Ascot, gold hoop-earrings, shoes that look like Cornish pasties, jeans so tight that your back oozes over the waistband and wearing jeans and a skirt at the same time, because that looks ridiculous and is, frankly, baffling.

In television, all so-called “reality-shows” will be banned, except for The Restaurant and The Office. This will leave ITV substantially empty and the gap in its schedule will be filled with Channel Four’s current output. Channel Four will revert to its schedule of pre-Big Brother days, which seemed to be targeted exclusively at pipe-smoking war buffs, because we like programmes about the war, they’re bloody lovely. Jon will be launching a new channel called Jolly Interesting Telly, the running of which will keep him occupied while Marc deals with weightier affairs of state and concocts nefarious and elaborate schemes to grasp the balance of power.

It is not just in cultural areas of life that you will notice a difference. We are already negotiating a series of international trade agreements which will benefit our nation. The country of Greece has an abundant supply of olives, whereas Britain does not. We have observed that their diet is lacking in soup, which we have copious amounts of. We will be shipping our soup-surplus to Greece in exchange for olives, a move which will enrich the dietary variety of both nations. We will also be exchanging the nation’s apple crop for Burgundy’s output of Pinot Noir and we’ll nationalise Cadbury’s and exchange their entire output for sushi, which is healthier and, frankly, nicer. We will also be exchanging just about anything we can get our hands on for tea…lots of tea. All of the tea.

We have also been doing some preparatory work in the field of international diplomacy. We’re still not happy about the outcome of the Cod War – we thought the Reykjavik Parliament behaved reprehensibly over that and we also don’t believe that the British victims of the Icelandic banking crisis were adequately reimbursed. Because of this – and also because Jon typed the declaration – we will be going to war with Ireland.

We don’t expect that our leadership will be universally popular. The installation of Queen Jennifer the 1^st in my spare room may cause some domestic upheaval, for example. We don’t imagine that the law requiring all public buildings to display a portrait of Jon will be to everyone’s satisfaction either. We will, however, try to rule fairly, even-handedly, openly and sympathetically. And if you don’t like it we’ll shoot you with our death-ray. Your leaders,

Marc and Jon.

January 31, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men And Women Shouldn’t Converse (With Each Other)

Sitting between us on the 7 Reasons sofa today (and complaining about the crumbs) is Fashion Journalist, Emily Clifford. Emily lives in Sydney and writes for a variety of publications ranging from Glamour and She to The Sydney Morning Herald and The Durban Mercury. Her hobbies include rock-climbing and reading this website. She says G’Day!

1. Humour. When women say they like a man who can make them laugh, this is true. When men say they like a woman who can make them laugh, this is false. They just want a woman who will laugh at their jokes.

2. Moods. When women say they are fine, this is false. They’re not. And would actually quite like to talk about it. Just not to you. When men say they are fine, this is also false. But it was true until you interrupted them while they were reading Jeremy Clarkson’s column.

3. No. When women say no, this is true. They have hundreds of better things to do. Like sleep. When men say no, this is false. Unless the football’s on.

4. Travel. When women say they know where they are going, this is true. They have been up all night planning the route. When men say they know where they are going, this is false. They are just going to wing it. Or switch on the sat-nav.

5. Decisions. When women say it’s your decision, this is false. The correct suggestion was suggested by her five minutes ago and it should be perfectly obvious. When men say it’s your decision, this is true. They know it can’t come back to haunt them that way.

6. Lateness. When women say they have been waiting twenty minutes, this is false. They spent so long doing their make-up and deciding what shoes to wear that they have only been waiting five minutes. When men say they have been waiting five minutes, this is false. They have actually been waiting twenty minutes, but see this as a great opportunity to do something they have read about and be the ‘better man’.

7. Dating. When women say they would love to see you again, this is true. When men say they would love to see you again, this is false. They just don’t know how to articulate the words, “This was great, but no thanks”. Bastards.

January 30, 2010
7 Reasons We Shouldn’t Try To Contact Aliens

This year is the fiftieth anniversary of SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). For half a century mankind has been broadcasting into space, trying to contact extraterrestrial life forms. Is it really a good idea to get in touch with aliens though? Here are seven reasons that we shouldn’t.

1. Size. Jimi Hendrix once said that he believed that aliens could be enormous, and that we would be like ants to them. As he put it, “You wouldn’t go miles out of your way to step on an ant-hill”. What if our communications are annoying them though? You wouldn’t go miles to tread on ants, but you might cross the living room to swat a buzzing fly.

2. Evolution. What if the aliens have evolved differently to us? What if they’ve evolved from insects or snakes? What if they have feelers on top of their bulbous heads? What if they’re descended from ear-wax? We’d find them repellent, that’s what. What if they came to visit us and they turned out to be 15 feet high spiders? Half of the world’s population would scream “Kill it! Kill it!” and the other half would take one look at them and think “Not bloody likely”. Do we even have a giant shoe?

3. Disease. Aliens are…well, alien. Humans would have no immunity to any diseases or infections that they would bring, and they would have none to ours. We won’t be able to cope with Venusian Flu of the eye and they won’t be able to cope with Herpes of the tentacle. Meeting aliens would be a bad idea for all concerned.

4. Dullness. What if the aliens are uncharismatic? Really boring? Catatonically, mind-numbingly, vapidly, monotonously Daily Mail dull? Do we really want to have an unimaginative dialogue with dreary spacemen? What if they’re like Vogons?

5. Defeat. What if the aliens are more powerful and more advanced than us? We can’t know that they’re not war-like and intent on universal domination. By trying to contact the aliens we could be guaranteeing ourselves a new world order. We could only hope that our new alien masters would be benevolent. Perhaps they’d be a bit subtler than going for out-and-out enslavement, preferring to conquer and rule us – they might even settle for a puppet-government. To head this, they would need to find someone innocuous and popular, with a good grasp of modern communication, whose covetousness and vanity would leave him open to their manipulation. Our new alien-overlords would probably install Richard Bacon as Earth’s puppet-leader. No one wants that – even him.

6. Beggars. Why would aliens want anything to do with us anyway? If they’re in any way more advanced than us we’d drive them round the bend. Whether It’s pestering them for technology to save our ailing planet, pestering them for accommodation when we realise that we can’t or pestering them to take David Gest back, we’ll be, at best, a nuisance, and at worst, a burden. We’re like the annoying neighbour that you try to avoid by pretending to be out. The aliens – if they have any sense – are hiding from us.

7. Madness. What if there are no aliens? Then the whole SETI programme will have been in vain. If there are no aliens out there then essentially we’re talking to ourselves. I’ve seen people that do that out on the street. They look a bit foolish and they say the silliest things – often about spacemen, ironically.

********************UPDATE********************

Since we wrote this article, Stephen Hawking has come out and stated his opinion on this subject. He agrees with us. We don’t know if he read this piece first or eventually – after considering these issues for a good while longer than we did – came to a similar conclusion by himself. We like to think that it’s the former.

January 29, 2010
7 Reasons Asterix Is Better Than Tintin

1. The Hair. Yes, so it is mustardy bordering on bright yellow, but at least when Asterix removes his helmet it reveals an uncontrollable mess. It doesn’t seem seem to matter what time of the day it is or where Tintin has been, he always has a Cameron Diaz hairstyle. There is just no product on the market that can hold a style for that long.

2. Travel. Asterix actually goes to real places. Britain and Corsica and Spain and Belgium. Tintin visits Syldavia and San Theodoros and El Chapo. Given the age-range these comic books are aimed at, I would say Tintin books are highly irresponsible. How many Geography exams have been failed because some little Herbert has labelled São Paulo as São Rica?

3. Commitment. Asterix has one job. Beat up Roman Legions. And he sticks to it. Daily. He always returns home for dinner too. Tintin, on the other hand, is a liability. He is a journalist who never produces a single story for his employers. Far too occupied with solving mysteries than reporting the facts as all good journalists should do. A particularly poor role model.

4. Obelix. Not only does Asterix have to deal with Roman Legions, he also has to look after Obelix. A man who spends most of his time looking for wild boar instead of remaining focused on the job in hand. I don’t think it should be underestimated just how much hard work goes into looking after someone who deliberately seeks out wild boar.

5. The Dogs. Dogmatix is a proper, realistic dog. One who bites people on the backside and won’t let go. Then there is the fact that you, quite rightly, can’t see what the hell he is thinking. You shouldn’t be able to see what a dog is thinking. It goes against all logic to do so. So why can you see what Snowy is thinking? And why has the smug terrier always got the answers four pages before Tintin and five before the reader?

6. Humour. Asterix is much funnier. He basically puns his way through the adventures and takes a swig of magic potion every eight pages. Tintin is far too serious. He doesn’t drink and he doesn’t laugh. In truth, he is quite boring.

7. Default. Asterix in Britain beautifully captures the great things about this country. Rugby, cricket, English gardens and roast lamb with mint sauce. Not a mention of football or Kerry Katona anywhere. Tintin pops over to Britain in The Black Island. In the third edition of the book – published in 1966 – the names of the Police Officers are changed from Edwards, Johnson, Wright and O’Rally to McGregor, Stewart, Robertson and Macleod. Political correctness gone mad.

January 28, 2010
7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

1. Eating. Eating would be better with an extra hand. Young love-struck couples would be able to eat properly and hold hands at the same time. More established couples would be able to eat properly and repel the advances of their chip-stealing spouse at the same time. Old couples would be able to eat properly and take their pills at the same time. Single people would be able to use all of the cutlery at once.

2. Driving. Driving would be safer if we all had an extra hand. The sort of idiots who use their phone or apply make-up while driving would now be able to do it with their extra hand. Obviously there will be people who would now believe that they can drive with one hand while applying make-up with the second and using their phone with the third. Don’t fret too much about this though. You will be able to use your extra hand to take down their registration number or to gesticulate at them. I shall be using my extra hand to thump my nemesis – the sat-nav. Jennifer Aniston will use her extra hand to touch her hair while driving, while Michael Buble will use his to point.

3. Jugglers. If we all had an extra hand then those smug gits, jugglers, would look silly with their antiquated and inefficient action and the rest of us could taunt them by languidly tossing three things about at once. Hopefully this would cause them to realise they are pointless idiots.

4. Sex. As an Englishman I can’t write about sex without resorting to euphemism. Suffice it to say that with two extra hands couples could simultaneously mash the creamy anvil, startle the somnambulant vicar and unfetter the slobbery lobster. The new tri-sexuality is going to be great!

5. Economy. If we had a third hand the global recession would end*. The clothing industry would be revitalised by having to manufacture extra sleeves and gloves as would agriculture, as we would need a third more sheep, silk and cotton. There would be a boom in making your own clothes as knitting would become much easier and quicker, thus optimising the efficiency of your grandma. It would also require the manufacture of 33.3% more knitting needles. The decimal system would also be replaced as we would find it simpler to calculate things in fifteens. The new quindecimal system would require the manufacture of lots of new signs and equipment. All of this extra manufacturing would cause a global economic boom. The quindecimal system would also cause 7 Reasons to become 10.5 Reasons, which would make two grown men cry.

6. Italians. Italians gesticulate a lot while they talk and are effortlessly cool. With an extra hand they will be able to gesticulate, smoke, drink, look cool, ride a Vespa and eat an ice cream at the same time. They do that now, of course, they’ll just be better at it.

7. Jewellery. With an extra hand, women will be able to wear more rings and bracelets. This will cause them to buy a lot more of them too, leading to an increase in the number of “white lies” told to husbands. Men will wear a second watch with built-in functions other than time-telling: A small television, a compass, a torch, a screwdriver and an extinguisher for their wife’s pants will all be common features.

*Strangely, there is a total lack of research or data available to support this claim.

January 27, 2010
7 Reasons Tintin Is Better Than Asterix

1. Appearance. Tintin – despite his abnormally spherical head – looks like a proper human being. He takes pride in his appearance. He wears blue sweaters and beige coats and spreads a little Brylcreem in his hair. Asterix, though, is a bit of a scruff. He has an exceedingly large nose and a bushy yellow moustache. He also never changes his clothes unless he’s having a dip in the Roman Baths. And why has his helmet got feathers sticking out of the top? Not one to be taken seriously.

2. Names. Asterix is surrounded by people whose names are supposed to be funny. Fulliautomatix, Unhygenix and Bacteria for example. These aren’t funny. They are just baffling. And when you first pick up an Asterix comic book aged seven, very confusing. Tintin, on the other hand, is good friends with Captain Haddock. Simple. Funny. Effective.

3. Fighting. While it’s occasionally fun to see Asterix and Obelix bash a load of Romans up and collect their helmets, it gets a little boring when it happens every other page. Which is why it’s good that Tintin has never felt a need to collect Roman Soldier’s helmets. Instead of bashing up a few baddies, Tintin prefers a little espionage. Hiding behind lampposts and impersonating scientists and wearing kilts. Far more exciting.

4. Magic Potions. Asterix is a short little fella and so would have struggled to destroy entire Roman Battalions without a sup of magic potion. Tintin, though, could bring down evil conglomerates while sipping a soda and doing The Belgian Times’ crossword. Upside down.

5. Superstitions. Asterix was silly. Well, actually, all the Gauls were silly. They believed that the sky would one day fall on their heads. And in one particular adventure, the Donald Trump of Gaulville – Vitalstatistix – thought it had. Then he realised he just had his pyjama top over his eyes. Tintin didn’t have any silly superstitions like that. Probably because he was well read. He also sleeps naked.

6. The Dogs. Both Tintin and Asterix have a dog that follows them around on their travels. Tintin’s dog is called Snowy. Snowy is forever taking part in the missions. Always on hand to save Tintin’s life. He’s a great addition to the stories. Asterix’s dog, Dogmatix, actually isn’t his dog at all. It’s Obelix’s. And he’s not very good. Instead of snapping at Julius Ceasar’s heels, Dogmatix’s main job is to get all jealous when Obelix falls in love with a girl. That’s just odd.

7. Default. Tintin was created by a Belgian. Asterix by a Frenchman. Need I say more.

January 26, 2010
7 Reasons to Keep the Traditional Police Helmet

1. Pregnancy. In the U.K., a pregnant woman can legally urinate wherever she likes. She can even, if she requests to, urinate in a policeman’s helmet. I’m not sure that it’s a practical receptacle for urine – the ventilation holes in the side would prove a particular problem – but it’s surely a desirable thing to pee in. Who among us wouldn’t want to have a go at that?

2. Theft. Stealing a traditional policeman’s helmet is a part of British popular culture. P.G.Woodhouse’s most famous creation, Bertie Wooster, was fined £5 for stealing a policeman’s helmet on Boat Race night. It’s not just a sport for fictional toffs though. Drunkenly trying to steal a policeman’s helmet is a pastime which is practiced by all classes. The correct method for removing one is to knock it forward from behind, thus obviating the efficacy of the chin-strap, before running very quickly (we imagine).

3. Height. The traditional police helmet is hard and is approximately 30cm tall. In theory, it could be used by a policeman to stand on to look over a wall or through a high window. I don’t know what they’d see, but it could be important.

4. Food. The traditional police helmet is sometimes used by policemen to store their fish and chips. It keeps them warm until they arrive back at the station for their break, and stops them from seeming as lardy and food-obsessed as their American counterparts. The vinegary scent which emanates from within the helmet often confuses passers-by.

5. Visibility. It is important that the police are a visible presence on the streets to enforce law and order. This is why they wear those retina-burningly bright high-visibility jackets. You can’t see those on a crowded street though as they, and their wearers, are obscured by the throng. You can, however, see the traditional police helmet as it protrudes from the body of a crowd. You can see it as a reassuring beacon radiating order, or you can imagine it as a shark’s fin portending danger – humming the Jaws theme is optional. The one thing you can’t do is miss it.

6. Protection. Unlike the more modern police cap, the traditional police helmet is hard and will actually protect a policeman from a blow to the head which, as they deal with the sort of people that might possibly hit them over the head – criminals and the like – would seem to be a desirable feature. It also protects bald policemen from the effects of the sun, and from the taunts of teenage boys, for whom baldness is more amusing than almost anything.

7. Tradition. Not all traditions are good. Throwing goats from church towers or having to pull crackers while your Christmas dinner goes cold are particularly pointless and cruel traditions. The traditional policeman’s helmet, however, is an example of a good tradition. The traditional police helmet is redolent of Dixon of Dock Green, of Bobbies on the beat, of the nice copper who gave you boiled sweets and reunited you with your parents when you were six years old and lost in Coventry city centre. It brings to mind the avuncular face of policing. Traditionally, the sort of chap that you would ask for directions or the time wore a police helmet. Would you ask a copper in a modern police cap the way to the train station? You’d probably think twice. He might pepper-spray you and give you an ASBO or a fixed-penalty-notice for wasting police time or loitering. A modern police cap signifies that its wearer is a policeman or woman; a traditional police helmet bestows upon its wearer the dignity and gravitas of a fine and noble institution.

January 25, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons You Found Us

Visitors mean a lot to websites. Visitors are their oxygen. We are no different. At 7 Reasons we like to breath. And we’re not doing too badly on that account, thanks for asking. In the past seven days thousands of people have popped by, either because they are regular visitors or because they have typed something into Google and 7 Reasons has appeared in the search results. All are welcome. Well, nearly all. We’d be lying if we said 7 Reasons hadn’t opened our eyes to the amount of weirdoes that own a computer. There aren’t many, but there are enough. 50% of whom really need to be recaptured very soon. So, in the last seven days, here are the most random, mind-boggling and disturbing phrases people have searched for. And if you want to know where they turned up, just click on the link. Oddly, I don’t think it was quite what they were looking for because no one left a comment or used the rating system.

1. “Meeting Arrive Sweat Enter Room Embarrassing Business” – 7 Reasons To Become An Artist

2. “James Martin Chef Nude Picture” – 7 Reasons To Cycle Naked

3. “Australian Open 2010 Spectator Excrement” – 7 Reasons To Hate Pigeons

4. “MP Moustache Deep Diving” – 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

5. “Break Wind Sideways Male Female” – 7 Reasons To Be A Bond Villain

6. “Penis White Peeling” – 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

7. “How Many Pasty Shops In Bolton?” – Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

We don’t know why people searched for any of these things, but as we feel a duty of care towards all of our readers, here is some advice.

1. Seek medical help.

2. Seek psychiatric help.

3. Seek medical help.

4. Resign from your job at the brothel, madam. There are some things that no one should have to do.

5. Seek medical help.

6. Seek medical help urgently.

7. Just go out and count them Brad.

We take the problems of our readers seriously. If anyone needs any advice, on anything, feel free to ask us using the comments section.

January 24, 2010