Category: Posts
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7 Reasons A Cow On The Line Is Not So Bad
I got stuck behind a cow yesterday. This is my story.
1. Reflect…on the countryside and the beauty of it all. The greens and the yellows and the reds and the blues that you always take for granted. The only thing missing is the black and the white. Because it’s on the bloody line in front of you.
2. Relax…a cow on the line is fairly harmless. Unless it’s two terrorists on the way to pantomime. You should be thankful that it’s only a cow. It could have been Aliens. Or a Polar Bear. Or Von Ryan’s Express. Or Kerry Katona.
3. Reminisce…about the good times. A time when 3G didn’t exist and so you never got stuck in a train in an area lacking 3G. Remember how you never used to switch your phone off and on to see if that helped. Or held it above your head. Or below your legs. Or below the legs of the person in front of you.
4. Reacquaint…yourself with good music. Whatever is on your iPod at the time. Edison Lighthouse for example. Within thirteen repetitions of Love Grows (Where My Rosemary* Goes) you’ll be moving again. And people will be wondering what’s making that strange humming noise.
5. Rejoice…at the thought that those waiting to collect you from the station will not want to hang around in the station car park for an extra half-an-hour. They’ll go for a drive and see a Sainsburys and go in and buy Pork Pies. Which you’ll eat for lunch.
6. Reaffirm…how proud you are with yourself. It’s hard sitting on a train for 30 minutes longer than planned. Your stomach starts rumbling and the mad-Welsh woman keeps bragging about how good her buffet service is. You can resist that bacon sandwich. You can hang on until lunch. And you feel so much better for it. You feel like a better person. If a cow hadn’t got on the line and you’d have arrived at your destination on time, you’d still be lamenting the fact that you always end up sitting next to a fat person.**
7. Reason…that an hour after starting, ‘7 Reasons To Be Polite To Inanimate Objects’, it’s looking no better than when the idea formed in your head. There must be something else to write about.
*For obvious reasons (one of them, not seven), when I am singing this, I don’t use the name Rosemary. I use Jonathan.
**I’m not fattist. If people want to be fat in their own homes, then that is up to then. But when you are on the train you shouldn’t be so fat that you cause me to have an intimate relationship with the window.
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7 Reasons to Love Bubble Wrap
1. Association. Almost everything that you buy from ebay comes with free bubble wrap, and the sight of bubble wrap is mentally associated with the arrival of a new bike part or a jewellery tree or a silver letter opener or a miniature sewing machine or an owl statuette or a giant pen or a Back To The Future novelty clock (yes, our loft is heaving). The sight of bubble wrap means the arrival of stuff. And stuff is good. Especially red stuff.
2. Christmas. I once gave a large, fragile, Christmas present that was covered with a substantial quantity of bubble wrap. Within ten minutes, the gift had been discarded, and the recipient was clothed from head to toe in the bubble wrap, spinning, and shrieking with delight. She was 32. I believe she still has the bubble wrap.
3. It’s Better Than The Alternative (1). Bubble wrap is a far better packing material than polystyrene chips, which are perhaps the most pervasive thing known to man. I don’t know how, but when you remove an item from a box containing polystyrene chips, the quantity of chips in the box remains exactly the same. That’s in the unlikely event that the chips stay in the box, as they usually spill all over the floor and, even though you think you’ve got them all, they subsequently turn up on the floors of every room in the house. Oh, and in the cat. He loves them.
4. It’s Better Than The Alternative (2). When an ebay purchase arrives insulated in bubble wrap it says very little about the sender (other than they chose the correct insulation). When an ebay purchase arrives wrapped in newspaper, it says something quite different. Now I must admit, I’ve had an enjoyable time reading scraps of newspaper from around the world that came with ebay purchases, but I’ve also purchased items that have come wrapped in the Daily Mail. To this day, I still can’t look at our cow-patterned butter dish without thinking, “Fascists sent us that”. Fortunately I don’t go into the loft very often.
5. It’s inspirational. Joey Green and Tim Nyberg got inspired in a bar and wrote the first draft of The Bubble Wrap Book on 827 cocktail napkins. That’s the way to write. That sounds like a crazed, rambling, semi-coherent lost weekend of writing. I’m writing this alone in a room with no napkins, no bubble wrap and no cocktails. I’m wearing lounging pants. I’m doing it wrong. If only I had some bubble wrap. Or a cocktail.
6. Inevitably. Okay, you knew this was coming. You can pop it, which is probably the most satisfying, compelling and pointless activity that a lone person can be involved in (multiple people can have pillow fights). It’s not possible to be near bubble wrap without the thought, “pop it…pop it…pop it…POP IT!!!!!!!” echoing insistently through your mind. The compulsion to pop it is irresistible.
7. It’s ubiquitous. Bubble wrap gets everywhere. And thanks to the very clever OpalCat, it’s here and we can prove reason six. Enjoy! Manic mode is amazing, by the way.
<!– http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com –>
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7 Reasons Ironing Is Dangerous
1. Ironing Board Covers. Goodness knows why man can’t invent a cover that actually fits the ironing board properly. I don’t know, maybe it is just one of those impossible challenges. Like building a pyramid upside down. Anyway, an ironing board cover that decides to flap around and generally not stay where it is meant to, really annoys me. So much so that I might kick out. Unfortunately, the same git who decided not to design the cover properly, also left sharp bits of metal on the underside of the board.
2. Calluses. In the same way that one might gain calluses on their finger tips as they play the guitar, I am developing them where the fingers meet the palm of the hand. Not dangerous in itself, but a sign that I am developing a reputation for being someone who likes ironing. And that is a very dangerous reputation to live with.
3. RSI. No not Repetitive Strain Injury, but Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board. How the bloody hell am I supposed to remove all the creases from the duvet cover if I can only iron 12% of its surface area at anyone time? The rest just creases itself on the floor. So I have to do it again. And again. And again. Until I become an addict. And addictions are dangerous.
4. Trip Hazards. And while we are talking about my duvet cover creasing itself on the floor, I must also point out that it’s also trip hazard. Or at least 88% of it is. Poxy thing. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is. I don’t need props.
5. RSI. No, not Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board – we’ve dealt with that already – but Repetitive Strain Injury. There are only so many movements you can make with an iron – assuming you are doing the job properly anyway. Right to left or left to right seem to be the only options. I would love to do top to bottom, but whoever invented bras made it impossible.
6. Sharks. You may be thinking, ‘How they hell do sharks make ironing dangerous?’ Trust me, if you are doing your ironing on a surfboard the last thing you need to worry about is whether your girlfriend is going to notice that iron shaped burn.
7. People. They generally don’t like it when you iron their clothes. Especially if: (a) they are complete strangers and (b) they are wearing them at the time. Usually this will result in either: (a) a punch, (b) an arrest warrant or (c) both.
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7 Reasons That Jessi Slaughter’s Father Probably Should Have Kept Quiet
I’m sure that most of you reading this are, by now, aware of the Jessi Slaughter (not her real name) phenomenon. If you’re not, to summarise, she’s an eleven year old girl who did what any other eleven year old does, she was silly and she made some mistakes. She wound some people up in internet chat rooms and then made several threats to the people that disliked her including, “I’ll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy”. They took exception to this, and there was an astonishing internet hate campaign conducted against her. To be honest, the whole thing was rather tawdry and not worthy of our attention. Then her dad waded in:
Understanding of the Internet FAIL
Uploaded by failblog. – Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.Now, at 7 Reasons we occasionally like to think of ourselves as a self-help guide. And to this end, I feel compelled to address my remarks directly to Mr Slaughter, as it is surely he who needs my help the most.
1. You’re Not Very Good At Addressing The Camera. I dislike doing pieces to camera, mostly because I’m not very good at them. I tend to get a bit flustered and mangle my words, and it’s because I’m so bad at them that I try to avoid doing them at all costs. But I know this much, Mr Slaughter. When addressing the camera, you should never, ever get down on one knee at the start of every point that you want to make, only to spring up again afterwards, because it’s an undignified position for any gentleman – especially one who’s maturing in years – and it does tend to make you look like a bit of a fruitcake. Oh, and always try to wear trousers. Trousers are very important.
2. “…you’ve been reported to the cyber police…” Oh my god! Run for your lives! It’s THE CYBER POLICE!!! They sound futuristic and terrifying and now I’m cowering fearfully in the corner of my…hang on…the cyber police? There are no cyber police. You just made them up to intimidate the people you’re ranting at. Now, I’m no expert in making up shadowy organisations to intimidate internet users, but I can’t help thinking that the sort of people that spend their time trolling others via the internet might conceivably have some knowledge of its workings and be able to see through your deceit. If I were you Sir, I’d have used a real and scary organisation to threaten them with. But I sense that you realised this too, Mr Slaughter. Somewhere, in the midst of your furious rant, you seem to have grasped that the cyber police weren’t going to fool anyone and you did what any sensible person would have done in your situation; you added a secondary organisation.
3. “…and the state police…”. Yeah, that’s telling them. Tell them that the FBI are going to hunt them down, tell them that the CIA are hot on their trail, tell them that…wait…the state police? Mr Slaughter, Mr Slaughter, the state police? Seriously? These people?
4. Moustache. While watching your epic, and rather unhinged rant, Mr Slaughter, I fancied that I could hear another sound in the background. The sound of moustachioed men’s heads being placed in their hands as they collectively murmured all around the world, “Oh god. This’ll set us back years”. You see, Mr Slaughter, the moustache has been enjoying something of a renaissance of late, and is no longer the object of ridicule that it once was. That is until now. You have shamed the moustached community with your exploits, Sir. I firmly expect sales of safety razors to soar as a result of your buffoonery.
5. “…Consequences…will…never…be the same.” No, Mr Slaughter. And nor will my monitor, covered as it now is with most of the cup of camomile tea that I was attempting to consume while watching your video. Nor will my wife be, as she will surely remain traumatised by the sight of her husband spitting a beverage at his own computer before helplessly convulsing and writhing around on the floor for several minutes wholly unable to form words and barely able to breathe. My cat, you may be pleased to learn, seems unaffected by the spectacle. Oh, and before I forget, what the hell does consequences will never be the same mean?
6. Embarrassing Dads. Your daughter did a silly thing. She’s young, and we all make mistakes. No one wants to watch a red-faced eleven year old girl cry and this episode would have been a fleeting, yet soon forgotten, embarrassment for her if you hadn’t pitched in. Then, Mr Slaughter, and only then, did this video truly go viral. As you so insightfully and eloquently bellow toward the end of your rant, you are “HER FATHER” and you will probably go down as the most embarrassing dad in history. And George W. Bush has children.
7. Parenting. While I’m on the subject, when you state that you are “HER FATHER”, you are surely only referring to the biological aspect of parenthood. After all, what sort of parent allows his eleven year old daughter to go online with a webcam and threaten to shoot people or express the wish that they “get AIDS and die”? If you don’t want her to be vilified on the internet or upset by the reaction she gets from it, take it away from her, rather than mindlessly and somewhat comedically railing against the other people that use it, however childishly they may have behaved. The only part of this whole episode that’s funny is your rant, Mr Slaughter. The rest is horrifying.
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7 Reasons to Ignore “Official” Advice on Mountain Lions and Bears
Friend of 7 Reasons, Simon Best, spotted this yesterday in the Rocky Mountain National Park newspaper. It’s 7 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Mountain Lion or a Bear.
At 7 Reasons, we read anything that comes in sevens, but there was something about the advice in this article that didn’t seem quite right. In fact, all of the suggestions contained in the article raised our suspicion.
We’ve scrutinised it carefully, and we are of the firm opinion that this article is a trap, written by hungry bears and mountain lions to dupe gullible tourists into feeling at ease when walking in the Rocky Mountain National Park. Here’s what we suspect was in their minds when they wrote this diabolical document:
1. “Travel in groups and make much noise as you hike. Keep your group, especially children, close together.” Travel en masse (because we are hungry mountain lions and bears) and make much noise (this will make you easy for us to find). Keep your group, especially children (who are fast) close together (this will cut down on the chasing. We find the chasing tiring).
2. “Do not approach a mountain lion or a bear.” Because we may be busy stealing picnic baskets or shitting in the woods. Instead, we will approach you, when you least expect it. Usually when you’re taking a nap or using the toilet yourself. We find this hilarious.
3. “Stay calm when you see a mountain lion or bear” Because agitated people don’t taste as nice.
4. “Stop; back away slowly. Never turn your back and run.” Move slowly (this makes you easier to catch.) Never turn your back and run (as you may startle the mountain lion that we have stationed behind you. This will make him cross).
5. “Stand tall and look large. Raise your arms. Protect small children by picking them up.” Stand tall and look large (you will be easy for us to see). Raise your arms (easier). Protect small children by picking them up (this saves us from having to bend down to eat them).
6. “If approached, make loud noises, shout, clap hands, clang pots and pans.” We’re big fans of Stomp. Perform for us before we dine.
7. “If attacked by a mountain lion or bear, fight back!” And then we will tear you limb from limb; with our bear hands.
So, to summarise, ignore the advice in this article as it might as well have Sponsored by the North American Association of Hungry Mountain Lions and Bears written at the bottom of it. Oh, and be wary of bears and mountain lions, as they’re clearly up to no good.
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7 Reasons I Was So Excited To See That Tiger Woods Had Changed His Putter, I Nearly Wet Myself
Yesterday came the startling revelation that Tiger Woods will be going into The Open Championships at St Andrews with a new putter. One couldn’t help but get excited. A bit too excited actually. So many questions, so few answers.
1. Will Tiger’s New Putter Help Him Stay Domesticated?
2. Will Tiger’s New Putter Get Him Into Even Bigger Holes?
3. Will It Come With Attachments For Enhanced Stroke Play?
4. Will Tiger’s Old Putter Hunt Down His Unfaithful Master?
5. Will The New Putter Have A Cheetah Headcover?
6. Will Tiger’s New Putter Let Off Balloons Everytime He Sinks A Short One?
7. Is Tiger’s New Putter A Danger To Psychedelic Penguins?
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7 Reasons That The World Cup Final Was A Disappointment
The World Cup final. Perhaps the ultimate sporting event. It was such a let down though. Can we have Sunday night back?
7 Reasons That The World Cup Final Was A Disappointment
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7 Reasons To Plan Your Picnic Carefully
1. Where Are You Going? If you are off to a day of Polo, you probably don’t want to be taking along some of Lidl’s less-than-finest Scotch Eggs. People will look down on you. Even if they are sitting down themselves. And at the other end of the scale, you probably don’t want to be taking along your Selfridges’ Hamper if you’ve managed to get a ticket for Millwall Football Club’s ‘Grand Day Out In Leeds’.2. Do You Have Any Suncream? No? Good. No one is going to mistake it for the mayonnaise then.
3. How Much Food Do You Have? This isn’t so much about the number of bags you are taking with you, more the size of the blanket. You don’t want so much food that the only way you can sit down is by playing twister around the sausage rolls. Nor do you want so little food that you wish you’d just brought a flannel instead.
4. Do You, Or Anyone You Know, Suffer From Picnic Envy? It’s always a difficult one this, you are happily munching on a pork pie when you suddenly get a whiff of something quite extraordinary. Either than or you spin round and see someone with a better set of cutlery. It’s enough to ruin the atmosphere. And make you play Frisbee a bit closer to those with the Chicken Cordon Bleu than is strictly necessary.
5. Have You Checked The Weather Forecast? Even if it says it is going to be sunny and thirty degrees, you can be certain that it will rain. A practical solution, therefore, is to take all-weather food and drink. Melon for instance. And water. Sandwiches are a definite no-no and despite what people say, even the sturdiest of celery sticks can go limp in a thunderstorm.
6. Are You Fully Equipped? By this I mean, do you have the bottle opener/corkscrew? The one thing park rangers frown upon is picnickers trying to open a bottle of Cava using irregular practices. Like using the numberplate of their jeep.
7. Are You Going Into A Forest? Bears like food. They like people too.
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7 (+3) Reasons Why Spain Will Win The World Cup
1. Gerd Muller. German World Cup Winner in 1974. He looked like a girl.
2. Mario Kempes. Argentine World Cup Winner in 1978. He looked like a girl who didn’t care. She probably had hairy armpits too.
3. Bruno Conti. Italian World Cup Winner in 1982. He looked like a butch girl and someone had just stolen her skipping rope.
4. Maradona. Argentine World Cup Winner in 1986. He looked like a petulant girl intrigued by her very first waft of something illegal.
5. Rudi Voller. German World Cup Winner in 1990. He looked like a girl who had just sat on a pile of marbles and was beginning to like it.
6. Branco. Brazilian World Cup Winner in 1994. He looked like a girl who may well once have been a boy. And quite possibly a murderer.
7. Emmanuel Petit. French World Cup Winner in 1998. He looked like a girl who had just caught her reflection in a window and realised her ginger moustache was catching the sun a bit too much.
8. Ronaldinho. Brazilian World Cup Winner in 2002. He looked like a girl who was struggling to get the hang of her straighteners.
9. Andrea Pirlo. Italian World Cup Winner in 2006. He looked like a girl who had accidentally come across a car park full of doggers and just couldn’t take his eyes off it.
10. Carles Puyol. Spanish World Cup Winner in 2010. He looks like the kind of girl who just doesn’t want to be left out.
