Author: 7 Reasons

Guest Post: 8 Reasons that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.

We’re going wild and breaking out of the format today. This post was brought to our attention by Brad B. Wood of our favourite indie band, Merchandise.

Since this piece was written, society has progressed and become more sophisticated, and we now know that 7 is the correct number of reasons. But, while it doesn’t contain the right number of reasons, we can’t really ask the writer to make any changes as he’s been dead for 220 years. Pick your least favourite reason and forget you saw it.

Today’s guest post comes from author, printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, soldier, diplomat, sixth President of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania, twenty-third Speaker of the Pennsylvania Assembly, United States Minister to France, United States Minister to Sweden and First United States Postmaster General, Benjamin Franklin. We don’t know how he found time to research this, but we’re glad he did.

1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an arguement of utility. They learn to do 1000 services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing as an old woman who is not a good woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

4. Because the more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

5. Because every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fills the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, the the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two woman to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.

6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.

7. Because compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend making an old woman happy.

8th and lastly. They are so grateful.

January 9, 2010
7 Reasons The World Needs Hoverboards

1. Transport. There are a lot of cars where I live – that’s on Earth. Whenever I am in a car I always end up getting stuck. A journey that should take ten minutes, invariably takes twelve. Half the time I think it would be quicker to walk. The other half I think it would be quicker to hover. On both occasions I am right. Walking, though, tends to be a bit boring and I blister easily. I wouldn’t get blisters hovering though and I certainly wouldn’t get bored. Weaving in and out and over cars. I imagine the adrenaline rush to be something like sky-diving with a handkerchief.

2. Evolution. The bicycle is a great mode of transport, but while it remains popular in it’s current form it has also evolved into a motorbike. Another great mode of transport is the skateboard. Unlike the bicycle though, the skateboard has not evolved. And in my opinion it’s getting left behind. Everything else evolves, it’s time for the skateboard to step up to the plate.

3. My Generation. Apart from being Friday, today is also referred to as the age of the ‘Playstation Generation’ (though other computer video gaming consoles are available). People get fat playing on the Playstation. They also end up with square eyes. The best cure for both these ailments is to get outside. I guarantee Hoverboards would do this. The youngsters of today would switch off their consoles, get on their board and hover about all over the place. Or maybe they’ll just go down to KFC.

4. Literature. If WH Smith lacks one thing on its shelves, it is Hoverboard Monthly. Or the more youth-orientated Pimp My Hoverboard Bitch!

5. No More Snow Chaos. If you look outside today, you will notice that there is snow on the ground. This white stuff is treacherous to walk on or drive over. So the best thing to do is stay in, or, if your journey is unavoidable, get on a hoverboard. And if you fall off, at least you’ll land on something soft.

6. Reputations. There is a great film trilogy called Back To The Future. Well, I say a ‘great trilogy’, the third one was a bit random if you ask me, but that is irrelevant until next week’s 7 Reasons The Third Back To The Future Film Was A Bit Random. What is relevant now though, is that they had hoverboards in BTTF II. In the year 2015. We’re not far off. If we don’t get them soon the credibility of the trilogy is going to plummet.

7. Sport. I think just about every sport out there would be improved by the addition of a hoverboard. Especially if they are remote control hoverboards and controlled by random spectators. It would be a bit like…erm…using a Playstation.

January 8, 2010
7 Reasons to Love The Snow

1. Crime. Snow aids crime detection. Foolish criminals often commit a winter burglary and, when fleeing the scene, leave a handy trail of footprints and tyre-tracks that lead straight to their own homes. The police even catch some of them.

2. Unmask the stupid. It’s easy to discover who the idiots are when it snows. The words essential and necessary are words that are used every winter to describe the sort of car journey you should undertake in snowy conditions. It’s always educational to find out what people, presumably without dictionaries, think that these words mean. Some people think that going to the sales at an out-of-town designer outlet is necessary, some people think that a trip to the cinema is essential, some people think that it’s a good idea to drive out to the countryside to look at the snow. These people make poor decisions behind the wheel too. They can usually be found stuck sideways across the road in a snowdrift causing a large queue of midwives, coastguards, heating engineers and off-licence workers to be stranded. If you want to know if your journey is essential, check here: http://www.ismyjourneyabsolutelynecessary.co.uk/

3. Sledging. The snow proves that we’re better at sledging than the Australians. They’ve never even seen snow. Upon encountering snow most Australians ascertain that it’s wet, very cold and flavourless, and quickly conclude that it’s beer. Australians think that you need a bat and ball to go sledging. Australians are wrong.

4. Japery. You can have a lot of fun in the snow. You can throw snowballs and build a snowman, these activities are fun. Even more fun is building a snowman on the roof of your friend’s car; this is fun and causes annoyance, which is a double win. Even better than that is building a snow penis in your next-door-neighbour’s front garden; this is fun, causes annoyance and great hilarity – not to mention ruddy-faced shouting and gesticulation.

5. Silence. The snow baffles sound, and while there’s snow on the ground, a lot of urban background noise is deadened. There are also fewer cars and people around. When snow has fallen, the world is not just bathed in white powder, it is also bathed in silence – which is something to consider while you’re walking along listening to your iPod or chatting on your mobile.

6. Mystery. When I left the house this morning there was one set of footprints on the front path – mine. When I came back, there were four other sets of footprints on the front path. The only evidence of any visitor was the single letter that the postman had delivered. Who were those extra footprints from? Why was one of them wearing Converse trainers in the snow? What sort of animal has both hooves and claws? Did the man with unfeasibly large shoes with a sensibly-gripped-sole really limp slightly with his left leg? It’s a snow mystery.

7. Beauty. Snow is beautiful; it conceals all eyesores and blemishes leaving everything steeped in an egalitarian white-powdered uniformity. This is great as it makes my horrid front garden, with its weeds and peeling paint, look no worse than the rest of the gardens on my street and, while the snow is here, I can relax and stop worrying that I should do something about it. The only thing that makes my front garden look bad in the snow is the large cock in it. He’s come to complain about the snow-penis I built in his garden. He seems quite cross.

January 7, 2010
7 Reasons 2010 Will Be Great

1. The Winter Olympics. We’re only a few months away from Vancouver 2010 and what an Olympics it is going to be. Great Britain have their most successful games ever after clinching Gold medals in both the male and female snowball fighting events. Unfortunately they lose out to Canada in the final of the gritting competition, but the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown still hails the achievement as “remarkable” and “a terrific reflection of what global warming can do for our country”.

2. David Acorah will attempt to contact Michael Jackson again. In a live event, that is watched by sixteen people, Acorah will accidentally moonwalk off his balcony. Although he doesn’t die in the accident he does land on David Icke. Celebrations all round.

3. Osama Bin Laden is found alive. Rather alarmingly though, he’s found to be living in a quiet hamlet in Shropshire. His whereabouts are only discovered after he sends Barack Obama a message on twitter but forgets to uncheck the ‘show location’ box. A transatlantic battle between Jonathan Ross and David Letterman then ensues as the chat show hosts argue over who should have the first interview. Letterman finally wins after the BBC refuse to let Osama have a free taxi ride home afterwards.

4. England will win the football World Cup. Yes, so it is only thanks to Steven Gerrard’s elaborate dive in the dying seconds – a move which results in the ball flying into the back of the net via his posterior – but no one in Britain cares. Not even the Welsh or the Scottish. Gerrard is soon dubbed Golden Arse and the people of England go on a seven-day spending spree that lifts the country out of the recession. The new Prime Minister, Big Dave C, recommends himself for a knighthood as a result. It’s rejected.

5. Jennifer Aniston changes her tie. Woohoo!

6. Submarine Girl. We’ll have to wait until October for this one, but when it arrives it will dominate our lives. For a couple of hours on a Thursday night you won’t be able to move for the coverage. Basically the news channels are going to pick up on the story that a girl has apparently started heading down the Californian coast in her father’s experimental submarine. Thankfully she has left the periscope up which means the planes overhead can follow her progress and beam back live coverage to show on TVs across the world. After an hour, the submarine eventually becomes grounded on Santa Monica beach. A policeman is first on the scene. He examines the sub. There is no one onboard. Speculation mounts that she may have fallen out of the escape hatch and drowned. Two hours later though and she is found alive. Inside her fathers storm chasing balloon.

7. X-Factor cancelled. The reality show is shown the door after 43 million people sign up to a Facebook group that demands Simon Cowell is replaced in the line-up by the actor Simon Callow. Cowell laments the protest as “stupid” and in an explosive interview with Fern Britton – that brings back memories of Frost/Nixon – he claims, “the only reason my trousers are this bloody high is because unlike the losers in this country I can afford more material.” Cowell is asked to leave the UK immediately by Her Majesty The Queen. ITV bring back Blind Date. With Dale Winton.

January 1, 2010
7 Reasons to Love Christmas Day

1. Children. Christmas isn’t really for grown-ups, it’s about children. For them, the anticipation is incredible and, when the day itself comes, it’s all new and exciting. When the children burst into our bedroom at 6 o’clock this morning and jumped up and down on the bed screaming “It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!” we were very moved. We don’t know whose children they were, or how they got into our house, but we were moved.

2. Drink. Christmas Day starts with Bucks Fizz and the rest of the day proceeds in an alcoholic-haze. A large proportion of Christmas Day is spent consuming many disparate beverages, but no one gets seriously drunk. They just experience the day in a relaxed alcohol-induced-fug, which is probably just as well, as they’re locked in a house with their in-laws.

3. Presents. I think it’s great that I now have more Argyle-patterned-socks than it would take to outfit a golf-playing millipede. I’m a big fan of the cow-print tie too. Really.

4. Food. Never mind turkey and sprouts and things, it’s the sheer quantity of snack food that makes Christmas Day great. A staggering array of tins and bowls of things are left in the living room for you to gorge yourself on all day. Best of all are the enormous tubs of Twiglets that are available. Like sticks covered in Marmite, they are THE savoury snack. I always try to eat them all before anyone discovers that I’ve opened them, or hide them once they’ve found out that I have. Christmas is about sharing, Twiglets are not.

5. Speech. Traditional, regal, and, best of all, punctual, The Queen’s Christmas Message is delivered at 3pm every Christmas Day, you can set your watch by her. Or, as most people in the UK eat their Christmas dinner at 3pm, your oven timer. The fanfare which precedes the message is like the nation’s dinner gong, precipitating a hurried exit from living rooms across the land. If it weren’t for repeats and highlights on the news, she could say whatever she liked. She could even say whatever Prince Philip liked, nobody would ever know.

6. Crackers. Shop-bought crackers are rubbish. Home-made crackers are amazing. If you make your own then you don’t have to put up with poor jokes, shoddy hats and worthless plastic toys. You can put whatever you like into them – you can even have themed crackers. A couple of years ago I made pirate crackers and we all got eye-patches, bandanas, miniature bottles of rum and pirate-themed jokes. There’s not much that’s more fun than turning your family into pirates and eating Christmas dinner with them. Home made crackers are avast improvement over shop-bought ones.

7. Television. Christmas television is great. There are recent films, one-off dramas, special editions of popular series and Morecambe and Wise Christmas shows. There are classic films too, including that perennial disappointment, The Great Escape. As a child I misheard the title and thought I was going to watch The Greatest Cape. I had imagined that it was a film about a sumptuous and colourful cape, perhaps with magical powers. The premise of my imagined film is still less preposterous than Steve McQueen jumping the fence on a motorbike. Christmas television is great, The Great Escape is not. It should be called The Disappointing Escape.

Merry Christmas to all of our readers.

December 25, 2009
7 Reasons Not To Watch The Snowman This Christmas

1. It’s A Repeat. Every single year it’s on. And I’ll be honest with you, it doesn’t get any better with each passing year. Not even HDTV has made it an enjoyable thing to watch. Which is such a shame really, because The Snowman himself is just about perfect. He is the only snowman I have ever seen who looks good in a hat. And I’m not just saying that. I really believe it.

2. The Song. A little known fact is that the version of ‘Walking In The Air’ used in the film is not sung by Aled Jones, but by choirboy Peter Auty. A more widely known fact is that whoever sings it, it is still bloody annoying. Oh, and another thing. You do not walk in air. You fly.

3. It’s depressing. I am not entirely sure why it is billed as a wonderful Children’s adventure. I mean, The Snowman turns into a puddle at the end. That’s as horrific a way to die as I can possibly think of. I know the writers did it to prevent him coming back in a dodgy sequel, but surely there are better ways. He could have been broken up for a snowball fight or something.

4. The Great Escape. Now, I haven’t actually looked at the TV schedule, but I am pretty sure it’s going to be on at about 3.45pm on some channel. The same time as The Snowman will be on on the other channel. The Great Escape is a far superior film. Its got tunnels and motorbikes and Germans and a character called The Big X in it. The Snowman didn’t have a name. Nor was he German.

5. It’s Mind Blowing. The film is completely hallucinogenic. I imagine this is the kind of thing The Beatles saw everyday when they were working on Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. Only it didn’t make The Beatles want to smash the TV screen with a tin of Quality Street.

6. It’s Wordless. I don’t know if you have noticed, but there is no talking it. There aren’t even bloody subtitles. It’s just 28 minutes of nothingness. The unrealistic nature of this is infuriating. If you were a young boy – as I once was – you would be saying something if a snowman asked you if you’d like to go for little flight somewhere. You would also have put gloves on. Holding a snowman’s hand without gloves on has to be the quickest way to hypothermia.

7. The Idents. This year it is sponsored by Iceland. (The place where no one’s Mum actually goes, as opposed to the country). It means you have to witness those bang-head-on-wall inducing adverts. Who would have thought that they could be even worse without Kerry Katona in them?

December 24, 2009
7 Reasons That Baths are Better Than Showers

1. Charity. We don’t know of any instances where showers have made any money for charity, but baths have probably raised millions for charity over the years. From bank managers sitting in baths full of baked beans, to bank mangers sitting in baths full of custard, from bank managers being rolling down the High Street in a bath, to bank managers paddling down the local river in a bath, it’s all about the bath. And bank managers.

2. Thought. No one thinks in a shower. They’re too busy scraping, scrubbing and rubbing while their senses are being assaulted by noisy, powerful, intrusive jets of water. Baths, like libraries, on the other hand, are quiet places of studious contemplation. Archimedes famously worked out how to determine the integrity of gold while in his bath. Churchill conducted a large part of his Second World War campaign from his bath, often dictating notes and occasionally holding meetings there. A good deal of this website was devised in the bath. Nothing good ever came of showering.

3. Fun. Showers are humourless. Baths are fun. Are there any shower toys? No. There are loads of bath toys available though, including submarines, ducks and battleships. There are also good jokes related to baths. My wife often asks me how long I’m going to be in the bath, and I always reply “6’2”.” This joke doesn’t work with a shower as, because of the standing position, 6’2” is your height rather than your length. Unless you are not 6’2”, in which case you’d have to modify the joke and my wife probably wouldn’t enquire this of you in the first place. You see, showers cock everything up.

4. Words. In popular phraseology, showers are seen as a bad thing. Ever heard the parade-ground phrase “you lot are a right shower?” It usually precedes some sort of punishment for tardiness. Being a shower is bad. There’s a popular phrase about baths too, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”. In this phrase we are being urged not to do anything to harm the baby with the bathwater. The baby with the bathwater is something that we should preserve. The baby with the bathwater is something that shouldn’t be discarded. This is because bathwater is precious. Probably.

5. Verbs. You switch on a shower; you draw a bath.

6. Flatulence. Breaking wind in the shower is dull. Breaking wind in the bath is a Jacuzzi.

7. Fast. The prime motive for using a shower is because it is fast. Being fast is often the wrong motive for doing anything. Go and stand outside your local branch of McDonald’s for a few minutes and look at the people who consume fast food, is fast good? Test cricket fans, is fast good? Ladies, is fast good? People who’ve been chased by a horse, is fast good? Hungry people, is fast good? Stuck people, is fast good? The answer is no, fast is not good. Nor are showers, they’re bloody rubbish.

December 23, 2009
7 Reasons Buying A Christmas Card Is Infuriating

1. Design. What is wrong with a picture of a robin or a Christmas tree or a snow covered church? It may be the traditional values I hold dear, but I don’t want to buy a card that has a picture of Santa with his pants around his ankles and a mince pie stuck up his backside.

2. Mother & Dad. I’m sorry, do the card manufacturers have a character limit that prevents them from using the correct format or something? It is not ‘Mother & Dad’ is it? It’s ‘Mother & Father’ or ‘Mum & Dad’. I didn’t look inside the cards in question for fear of being compelled to rip them up, but I strongly expect that also use the phrase ‘Yours Faithfully’.

3. Messages. They are always so bloody cliched and impersonal. ‘To my wonderful parents. You are the greatest around. I will love you until the end of time.’ Yes, they are your parents. Of course you will. Why can’t it just say ‘Wishing You A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year’ and then leave enough room for me to write whatever I want to write?

4. Record Your Own Message. Yes, you can record your own Christmas message for your parents. If I wanted my parents to hear me wishing them ‘A Merry Christmas’ I would phone them up. Or given that I will be in the same house as them this year, I might actually do it face to face. I don’t need a Christmas card to do it for me. I am not an idiot. Fact.

5. Pets. I have never had a pet so maybe I am not on the same emotional level as those that have, but I have never understood the whole pets and cards thing. Whether it’s the ‘To The Dog’ or ‘From The Gerbil’ kind, they are both, as far as I am concerned, wrong. Your dog can not read and your gerbil sure as hell can’t write. All they want is a squeaky ball or a new bit of cardboard. But obviously I am very much out of touch as Clintons have a bigger section for ‘Pets’ than they do for ‘Wife’.

6. Merry Christmas from Jonathan and Homer Simpson. Why? Why, why, why? Why the hell would I want to give someone a Christmas card that is from myself and a cartoon character? No one I know even likes the bloody Simpsons.

7. Brothers. Why is it you can no longer buy a ‘Merry Christmas Brother’ card? It’s always ‘Bro’ or ‘Bruv’ or ‘Brother and Wife’ or ‘Brother and Girlfriend’ and new for this year ‘Brother and Boyfriend’. My brother is not gay. He has not got a wife. I am not sending him a text in which I may shorten to Bro. And he is not in some downtown hood where everyone goes around punching fists and calling each other ‘Bruv’. He is just my brother. I want a card that says that. Is that too much to ask?

December 22, 2009
7 Reasons to Send a Christmas Card

1. Self promotion. Every year, Michael Winner sends out a Christmas card that promotes him, his books and his television show. He’ll send it to any of the readers of his Winner’s Dinners column in the Sunday Times who send him their address. Would you want Michael Winner to have your address? What if he came to visit? What if he told you to “calm down, dear”? The best case scenario is that you’ll get something with a picture of Michael Winner on it. Repeatedly having your middle-toe hit with a hammer is a better case scenario than that.

2. Comedy. If you send a Christmas card without a stamp on, your friend may be forced to go miles to his local post office to pay for the postage. When he phones up to complain, you can tell him that you’ll reimburse him for the amount he was charged, and send him a cheque in an envelope without a stamp on it, forcing him to go back to the post office and pay the excess postage once more. This actually happened to a friend of mine. I was the culprit. The following year I sent him a CD in a box large enough to accommodate an average-sized refrigerator, knowing he would be out at the time of delivery, forcing him to go back to the post office once more. I am a bad man.

3. Cheque. You might want to send a cheque as a Christmas present, and what better place to put it than inside a Christmas card? As you slide the cheque into the card, you can imagine the recipient’s beaming face as they gratefully receive their gift. Obviously, this is not what happens in the real world. The standard reaction to receiving a cheque is to stare at it blankly for several seconds before exclaiming “A cheque! What is this, the dark ages?” The recipient, used to the wonder that is internet banking, will have to go into town and trudge round for ages, attempting to find a branch of their bank that hasn’t closed down. It will probably rain on them while they’re doing this. They will be cold, they will be wet, they will be tired, they will complain about the experience on the internet. They will not be grateful.

4. Handwriting. A Christmas card is your annual opportunity to handwrite something. It’s surprising how hard it is when you’re out of practice, and it’s surprising how tired your hand gets. My cards look like they were written by a messy child when I start them, and a messy child’s dog by the time I finish.

5. Newsletter. Unbelievably, there are people out there who don’t have blogs. These people will sometimes try to impart a whole years worth of family news in a newsletter contained within the Christmas card. These soporific missives usually contain tedious accounts of the summer holiday in Bermuda, Trevor’s hectic year at the office (who knew there was so much to write about human resources?) and Melanie’s second year at Bath (minus all of the interesting bits, as she hasn’t passed those on to her parents). You can send your own newsletter in a card too, containing your description of how you invented the iPob (a portable device to store and play classic children’s television programmes), a torrid account of your affair with Jennifer Aniston and some pictures from your holiday on the moon. You can write anything you want in a newsletter, no one reads them.

6. Protest. When you send a Christmas card you can use a special Christmas stamp without a picture of the Queen on it. Replacing The Queen with a reindeer is one in the eye for the oppressive monarchical hierarchy, and it would also give Prince Philip somewhere to hang his hat.

7. It’s nice. Obviously there are some sad, lonely people out there who might not expect to receive any Christmas cards. It’s not nice to think of anyone not receiving a card so it’s heartening to remember that Jan Moir can actually go out and post a Christmas card to herself.

December 21, 2009
7 Reasons You Upset A Woman

Upsetting a woman is never very clever. Which is why man tries to avoid doing it. Unfortunately, trying is never really good enough. Sometimes we – and I speak on behalf of all man here – just end up in a situation where we can’t help but say something amusing. And make no mistake about it, what we say is amusing. It’s just that the fairer sex can’t see it. And so for some reason they get a bit annoyed. Here are seven examples of things we have have said to women that didn’t go down as well as they should have.

1. “Wow. You’ve got evil eyes!”
Discovered: Friday 26th September 2009
Discovered by: Jon
Location: The Bedford, Balham
Circumstances: Girl standing next to me was staring into my brain.
Excuse(s): 1- Not sober. 2 – It was true. Consequence(s): 1 – Verbal abuse. 2 – Harmed Anglo-Cuban relations. 3 – Forced to down some alcoholic concoction that contained Sambuca and Absinthe.
Positive(s): 1 – Free Drink.
Action to take next time: Advise her to invest in a pair of large sunglasses.

2. “Is you sister really more dull than you or is that just not possible?”
Discovered: 1997
Discovered by: Simon
Location: A pub in St Andrews, Fife
Circumstances: I had endured a term of stories presented as being fascinating and exciting, in reality they were dull tales of life in Aberfeldy, mostly involving horse riding. She was preparing us for her sisters visit the next day by explaining that in comparison to her sibling she was the life and soul of the party.
Excuse(s): 1 – Really not sober. 2 – Boredom following months of dull stories.
Consequence(s): 1 –Having a most of a pint thrown over me. 2 – Loss of the pint for drinking purposes. 3 – Damage to a really rather nice shirt. 4 – Damage to Anglo-Scottish relations.
Positive(s): 1- I didn’t have to meet the sister (which was very much on the cards) 2 – I never heard any more dull stories about horse-riding in Aberfeldy (or anything else for that matter).
Action to take next time: Wait till you’ve met the sister and then compliment the first woman on how interesting and fun she is.

3. “I’m not really keen on it, do you still have the blue one?”
Discovered: December 1997
Discovered by: Marc
Location: My then girlfriend’s bedroom.
Circumstances: I was asked my opinion on the dress that she intended to wear to the Christmas Ball, ten minutes before we were due to leave.
Excuse(s): 1 – I’m very honest.
Consequence(s): 1 – I attended the 1997 Christmas Ball without a date.
Positive(s): 1 – I was able to spend time with friends. 2 – I was able to break wind without apologising. 3 – I still don’t get asked my opinion on dresses.
Action to take next time: Like the green one, no matter how inferior it is to the blue one.

4. “Well, not anymore he doesn’t, he’s dead.”
Discovered: Late 2007
Discovered by: Jon
Location: My old flat in Crystal Palace
Circumstances: Having a discussion with my flatmate about her dog. I found out he had been run over some years previously. Flatmate said something along the lines of, ‘He loves running around the garden’.
Excuse(s): 1 – I was trying to be amusing.
Consequence(s): 1 – She stared at me, looked a bit shocked, then left the room. 2 – I felt a bit uncomfortable. Positive(s): 1 – I could change the TV channel.
Action to take next time: Don’t comment on photos of dogs that may be on the mantel piece.

5. “Piss off, Hitler!”
Discovered: Autumn 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: The upstairs landing.
Circumstances: My wife was attempting to comedy-slap me on the forehead with her right hand. I anticipated this and stepped backwards to avoid her hand. This left her standing with her right arm fully outstretched in what could have been interpreted as a Nazi salute.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny.
Consequence(s): 1 – She poked her tongue out. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead. Positive(s): 1 – I was able to ascertain what flavour squash she had been drinking from the colour of her tongue. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead.
Action to take next time: I’m not sure yet. “Piss off, Goebbels?”

6. “It’s because they’re for girls.”
Discovered: 13th December 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: A Department Store
Circumstances: My wife and I were browsing in the kitchen section of a local department store. She spotted a new range of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes with a floral motif on their handles. “Why are they covered in flowers?” she enquired.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny. 2 – Shopping is dull and needs enlivening.
Consequence(s): 1 – I received a look of utter contempt from my wife. 2 – The man next to us laughed loudly, but briefly, before he stifled it. 3 – The woman next to us scowled at the man next to us (presumably her husband) causing him to stifle his laughter. 4 – The woman next to us scowled at me.
Positive(s): 1 – I am becoming familiar with the use of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes.
Action to take next time: Browse in the tools section.

7. “You are like an oven. When I turn you on, you get hot.”
Discovered: Sunday 5th October 2009
Discovered by: Bri McIntosh
Location: Twitter
Circumstances: Brian McIntosh sharing his best chat-up lines with the female world.
Excuse(s): There aren’t any.
Consequence(s): 1 – Mirth all round. 2 – Much ridicule. 3 – Re-Tweeted around the world. 4 – Posted on many blogs.
Positive(s): None for Brian. Constant source of laughter for everyone else.
Action to take next time: Don’t talk to girls. On or offline.

Are you a man? If so, we want to know what you said. Just head over to our contact page and you may see yourself on this site very soon. Especially if your words of wisdom resulted in plates being thrown.

December 20, 2009