Author: 7 Reasons

7 Reasons That Jessi Slaughter’s Father Probably Should Have Kept Quiet

I’m sure that most of you reading this are, by now, aware of the Jessi Slaughter (not her real name) phenomenon. If you’re not, to summarise, she’s an eleven year old girl who did what any other eleven year old does, she was silly and she made some mistakes. She wound some people up in internet chat rooms and then made several threats to the people that disliked her including, “I’ll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy”. They took exception to this, and there was an astonishing internet hate campaign conducted against her. To be honest, the whole thing was rather tawdry and not worthy of our attention. Then her dad waded in:

Understanding of the Internet FAIL
Uploaded by failblog. – Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

Now, at 7 Reasons we occasionally like to think of ourselves as a self-help guide. And to this end, I feel compelled to address my remarks directly to Mr Slaughter, as it is surely he who needs my help the most.

1. You’re Not Very Good At Addressing The Camera. I dislike doing pieces to camera, mostly because I’m not very good at them. I tend to get a bit flustered and mangle my words, and it’s because I’m so bad at them that I try to avoid doing them at all costs. But I know this much, Mr Slaughter. When addressing the camera, you should never, ever get down on one knee at the start of every point that you want to make, only to spring up again afterwards, because it’s an undignified position for any gentleman – especially one who’s maturing in years – and it does tend to make you look like a bit of a fruitcake. Oh, and always try to wear trousers. Trousers are very important.

2. “…you’ve been reported to the cyber police…” Oh my god! Run for your lives! It’s THE CYBER POLICE!!! They sound futuristic and terrifying and now I’m cowering fearfully in the corner of my…hang on…the cyber police? There are no cyber police. You just made them up to intimidate the people you’re ranting at. Now, I’m no expert in making up shadowy organisations to intimidate internet users, but I can’t help thinking that the sort of people that spend their time trolling others via the internet might conceivably have some knowledge of its workings and be able to see through your deceit. If I were you Sir, I’d have used a real and scary organisation to threaten them with. But I sense that you realised this too, Mr Slaughter. Somewhere, in the midst of your furious rant, you seem to have grasped that the cyber police weren’t going to fool anyone and you did what any sensible person would have done in your situation; you added a secondary organisation.

3. “…and the state police…”. Yeah, that’s telling them. Tell them that the FBI are going to hunt them down, tell them that the CIA are hot on their trail, tell them that…wait…the state police? Mr Slaughter, Mr Slaughter, the state police? Seriously? These people?

4. Moustache. While watching your epic, and rather unhinged rant, Mr Slaughter, I fancied that I could hear another sound in the background. The sound of moustachioed men’s heads being placed in their hands as they collectively murmured all around the world, “Oh god. This’ll set us back years”. You see, Mr Slaughter, the moustache has been enjoying something of a renaissance of late, and is no longer the object of ridicule that it once was. That is until now. You have shamed the moustached community with your exploits, Sir. I firmly expect sales of safety razors to soar as a result of your buffoonery.

5. “…Consequences…will…never…be the same.” No, Mr Slaughter. And nor will my monitor, covered as it now is with most of the cup of camomile tea that I was attempting to consume while watching your video. Nor will my wife be, as she will surely remain traumatised by the sight of her husband spitting a beverage at his own computer before helplessly convulsing and writhing around on the floor for several minutes wholly unable to form words and barely able to breathe. My cat, you may be pleased to learn, seems unaffected by the spectacle. Oh, and before I forget, what the hell does consequences will never be the same mean?

6. Embarrassing Dads. Your daughter did a silly thing. She’s young, and we all make mistakes. No one wants to watch a red-faced eleven year old girl cry and this episode would have been a fleeting, yet soon forgotten, embarrassment for her if you hadn’t pitched in. Then, Mr Slaughter, and only then, did this video truly go viral. As you so insightfully and eloquently bellow toward the end of your rant, you are “HER FATHER” and you will probably go down as the most embarrassing dad in history. And George W. Bush has children.

7. Parenting. While I’m on the subject, when you state that you are “HER FATHER”, you are surely only referring to the biological aspect of parenthood. After all, what sort of parent allows his eleven year old daughter to go online with a webcam and threaten to shoot people or express the wish that they “get AIDS and die”? If you don’t want her to be vilified on the internet or upset by the reaction she gets from it, take it away from her, rather than mindlessly and somewhat comedically railing against the other people that use it, however childishly they may have behaved. The only part of this whole episode that’s funny is your rant, Mr Slaughter. The rest is horrifying.

July 19, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer

It’s Russian Roulette Sunday again and once more the saga of advertising our website rears its head. We currently have a trailer – rather catchily entitled 7 Reasons: The Trailer – under construction. We promised it to you several weeks ago, and it still isn’t ready yet. It’s been a nightmare saga of broken computers, missing cameras, temperamental hairdryers and complications with rendering and frame rates so dull that overhearing talk of them would kill a casual listener stone dead; the making of Fitzcarraldo was probably less problematic. But progress is being made, and now we are at the stage where we can present 7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer. This, we firmly believe, is progress, and so certain are we that the completion of 7 Reasons: The Trailer is within sight that we’re prepared to state – confidently – that it will be ready soon (ish).

7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer

July 18, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Happy That She Hates That You Love Sports

If there is one thing you know about us, it is that we are British. As a result the website is full of British humour. So it’s always interesting when we get comments from abroad. We know for instance, that the Dutch find us quite amusing, while the French…erm…well let’s put it this way, we are never going to have a French Guest Writer. So far, all of our guest writers have been British. Or at least half-British*. Today though, that is changing. Because, in the first of what we hope will be many international escapades, we are all off to Iowa. Or, more accurately, Iowa is coming to our sofa. And with Iowa comes Sandra McAubre, a lady who writes on the topic of Sports Management Degrees over at SportsManagementDegrees.Net. She also very much welcomes your comments, so when you’ve finished reading her post please do send her an email and ask her what a ‘brickbat’ is. Then let us know. Thanks.**

There are some men who would read this title and think I was nuts, and they’re justified for thinking so. They’re the ones who always seem to be at the receiving end of the wrath of the fairer sex for their obsession with sports. Every time there’s a big game on, they’re faced with a combination of excitement and apprehension – the latter because they’re worried about the brickbats that their significant other, be it spouse or girlfriend, is going to be throwing around. Yes, there are women who enjoy a game as much as the testosterone-fueled men seem to do and others who are understanding and even accommodating during games, but then, every other man I’ve met is of the opinion that they’ve missed out on meeting specimens of these rare breeds. Even so, I still persist with the opinion that you must take satisfaction in the fact that your woman hates that you love sports. Because:

1. You Can Hate That She’s Too Sappy. If your girlfriend/wife is understanding about you watching sports when there’s a game on, then you can bet your last dollar that you’re going to have to reciprocate the favor in kind – just when you’re in the mood for some love, she’s going to be bawling her eyes out watching a sappy love story and you’re going to have to keep your mouth and much more zipped up!

2. You Don’t Have To Reciprocate In Kind. Worse, if she watches the games with you, you’re going to have to summon up some tears during that oh-so-boring movie (with nary a bang-up fight) too; but then, I think the idea of keeping more than your mouth zipped up should bring on the waterworks naturally enough!

3. You Have Genuine Reason To Hang Out With The Guys. If sport is banned at home, then you (can hope) you don’t get into too much trouble when you stop over at a bar to catch the last quarter of the big game before heading on home!

4. Christmas And Birthdays Become More Fun. No more boring ties for you in return for all the sparklers you love to (you’re forced to?) buy for your girl; rather, you’re awash in season tickets with premier seating (after you give her an infinite number of not-so-subtle hints of course) for the best games in town.

5. You Don’t Have To Tolerate Her Friends. If your game buddies are banned from your home, then it’s only fair that she can’t expect you to lock yourself into your room when her girlfriends are over for whatever it is that women do when they get together; and on the bright side, you could sneak away to watch a game on your friend’s big screen TV when the female brigade comes calling!

6. Your Beer Belly Is Under Control. With a supportive wife/girlfriend, you’re going to guzzle bottles and bottles of beer and continue eating countless chips when watching your game, little realizing that they’re all heading straight for your gut and on the road to making you fat and unhealthy. So maybe the disapproval can help you stave off the food and drink you seem to push down when it’s game time and save your health in the process.

7. You Get Some Quality Time Alone. And finally, no matter how much you love your significant other, there are times when you prefer to watch your game in solitude (if you can’t enjoy the company of your beer buddies, of course) without being interrupted by questions and remarks that you have absolutely no interest in at the moment. So if she hates that you’re into sports, maybe, just maybe, she’s going to be sulking till the game’s over, after which you can do some crawling to get back into her good books!

*Or completely Australian, which is not in Britain at all.

**Apparently I’m the only one who had never heard of the word brickbat. I feel a bit silly now.

July 17, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date A Polar Bear

1. Inuits, Yupiks, Chukchis, Nenets and Russian Pomors. You are really going to piss them off. To them, a polar bear is the ultimate utility. They use the fur for trousers, fat for fuel, the gallbladder for medicinal purposes and the teeth as amulets. You start dating a polar bear and the Inuits are going to have to start walking around with bare legs.

2. Bathroom Usage. If you do insist on dating a polar bear, then you have to understand one thing. You will never be able to use your bath again. The polar bear will see this as their natural environment. They will sleep in it, splash around in it, hunt in it and get bath salts in uncomfortable places in it. You’ll also get the water board investigating a major leak.

3. Eating. A polar bear’s diet isn’t a very mixed one. They like seals. Particularly bearded ones. It’s not the most comfortable thing to have to order in the local Harry Ramsdens. Especially when you have to add that the polar bear is going to batter it themselves.

4. Meeting The Parents. Never the easiest thing to do. Especially when you’re dating a polar bear. Thankfully, your parents were very understanding/scared and so those introductions went swimmingly. Literally. You all met in your bath. Now though, it’s your turn to meet the polar bear’s parents. In the Arctic. You think you’ve prepared well. You have all the thermals on and a distress flare stuffed down your trousers. Nothing can go wrong. Until you meet them. And you realise they all look the bloody same.

5. Games. We may be getting older, but there is a still a bit of the child in all of us. Some more than others it must be said. Occasionally we do like to be a bit silly and play a game. Catch, Frisbee, Twister etc. These are all fine and I can assure you that the polar bear will love them. What you don’t want to play, though, is Hide & Seek. Particularly if your walls are painted white. You’re going to be playing for bloody ages.

6. Habits. It would be nice to think that on your return home after a long day at work, the polar bear has made a nice meal for you. Unfortunately this is little more than wishful thinking. All too regularly you’ll come home to find them perched atop a pile of ice cubes watching Seal or No Seal on the Nature Channel.

7. Romance. Against all the odds, it is going well. You’ve got over the fact that seal whiskers are being left all over the bathroom floor and the polar bear no longer smacks you around the side of the head whenever you pop a Fox’s Glacier Mint into your mouth. It might be time to move it to the next level. You’ve taken the polar bear out for the evening, wine and dined and danced the night away, now you are in the taxi. A paw gently brushes your thigh before the polar bear moves towards your ear and whispers, ‘I’m going to eat you alive later’.

July 16, 2010
7 Reasons to Ignore “Official” Advice on Mountain Lions and Bears

Friend of 7 Reasons, Simon Best, spotted this yesterday in the Rocky Mountain National Park newspaper. It’s 7 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Mountain Lion or a Bear.

At 7 Reasons, we read anything that comes in sevens, but there was something about the advice in this article that didn’t seem quite right. In fact, all of the suggestions contained in the article raised our suspicion.

We’ve scrutinised it carefully, and we are of the firm opinion that this article is a trap, written by hungry bears and mountain lions to dupe gullible tourists into feeling at ease when walking in the Rocky Mountain National Park. Here’s what we suspect was in their minds when they wrote this diabolical document:

1. “Travel in groups and make much noise as you hike. Keep your group, especially children, close together.” Travel en masse (because we are hungry mountain lions and bears) and make much noise (this will make you easy for us to find). Keep your group, especially children (who are fast) close together (this will cut down on the chasing. We find the chasing tiring).

2. “Do not approach a mountain lion or a bear.” Because we may be busy stealing picnic baskets or shitting in the woods. Instead, we will approach you, when you least expect it. Usually when you’re taking a nap or using the toilet yourself. We find this hilarious.

3. “Stay calm when you see a mountain lion or bear” Because agitated people don’t taste as nice.

4. “Stop; back away slowly. Never turn your back and run.” Move slowly (this makes you easier to catch.) Never turn your back and run (as you may startle the mountain lion that we have stationed behind you. This will make him cross).

5. “Stand tall and look large. Raise your arms. Protect small children by picking them up.” Stand tall and look large (you will be easy for us to see). Raise your arms (easier). Protect small children by picking them up (this saves us from having to bend down to eat them).

6. “If approached, make loud noises, shout, clap hands, clang pots and pans.” We’re big fans of Stomp. Perform for us before we dine.

7. “If attacked by a mountain lion or bear, fight back!” And then we will tear you limb from limb; with our bear hands.

So, to summarise, ignore the advice in this article as it might as well have Sponsored by the North American Association of Hungry Mountain Lions and Bears written at the bottom of it. Oh, and be wary of bears and mountain lions, as they’re clearly up to no good.

July 15, 2010
7 Reasons I Was So Excited To See That Tiger Woods Had Changed His Putter, I Nearly Wet Myself

Yesterday came the startling revelation that Tiger Woods will be going into The Open Championships at St Andrews with a new putter. One couldn’t help but get excited. A bit too excited actually. So many questions, so few answers.

1. Will Tiger’s New Putter Help Him Stay Domesticated?

2. Will Tiger’s New Putter Get Him Into Even Bigger Holes?

3. Will It Come With Attachments For Enhanced Stroke Play?

4. Will Tiger’s Old Putter Hunt Down His Unfaithful Master?

5. Will The New Putter Have A Cheetah Headcover?

6. Will Tiger’s New Putter Let Off Balloons Everytime He Sinks A Short One?

7. Is Tiger’s New Putter A Danger To Psychedelic Penguins?

July 14, 2010
7 Reasons That The World Cup Final Was A Disappointment

The World Cup final. Perhaps the ultimate sporting event. It was such a let down though. Can we have Sunday night back?

7 Reasons That The World Cup Final Was A Disappointment

July 13, 2010
7 Reasons To Plan Your Picnic Carefully

1. Where Are You Going? If you are off to a day of Polo, you probably don’t want to be taking along some of Lidl’s less-than-finest Scotch Eggs. People will look down on you. Even if they are sitting down themselves. And at the other end of the scale, you probably don’t want to be taking along your Selfridges’ Hamper if you’ve managed to get a ticket for Millwall Football Club’s ‘Grand Day Out In Leeds’.

2. Do You Have Any Suncream? No? Good. No one is going to mistake it for the mayonnaise then.

3. How Much Food Do You Have? This isn’t so much about the number of bags you are taking with you, more the size of the blanket. You don’t want so much food that the only way you can sit down is by playing twister around the sausage rolls. Nor do you want so little food that you wish you’d just brought a flannel instead.

4. Do You, Or Anyone You Know, Suffer From Picnic Envy? It’s always a difficult one this, you are happily munching on a pork pie when you suddenly get a whiff of something quite extraordinary. Either than or you spin round and see someone with a better set of cutlery. It’s enough to ruin the atmosphere. And make you play Frisbee a bit closer to those with the Chicken Cordon Bleu than is strictly necessary.

5. Have You Checked The Weather Forecast? Even if it says it is going to be sunny and thirty degrees, you can be certain that it will rain. A practical solution, therefore, is to take all-weather food and drink. Melon for instance. And water. Sandwiches are a definite no-no and despite what people say, even the sturdiest of celery sticks can go limp in a thunderstorm.

6. Are You Fully Equipped? By this I mean, do you have the bottle opener/corkscrew? The one thing park rangers frown upon is picnickers trying to open a bottle of Cava using irregular practices. Like using the numberplate of their jeep.

7. Are You Going Into A Forest? Bears like food. They like people too.

July 12, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: There Is No Such Thing As A Psychic Octopus

What is it about the name Paul? Half the world becomes convinced that an octopus is psychic and half of Paul Gascoigne thinks that a murderer wants to do a spot of fishing. Rather worryingly, that was his sane half. We need to return to normality and thankfully this is where I step in. For all of you who have been taken in by Paul the Octopus, you need to watch this. He’s not psychic. He’s a chancer. Just like me.

There Is No Such Thing As A Psychic Octopus

July 11, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Teaching Is (Mostly) The Best Job In The World

A few weeks ago, you may remember Liz Gregory telling us why Summer was great. There was so much agreement with her in the 7 Reasons HQ that we just had to get her back on the sofa. Thankfully, Liz was only too keen to make a reappearance. And this time she’s bought along her box of chalks. Or are they marker pens? I can never tell when I’m sans contact lenses. If you didn’t check out Liz’s blog – Things To Do In Manchester – last time, then you better do it today. Unless you want detention. Right, enough of the stupid school quips, I’m off to the bike sheds.

1. Holidays (Part One). We may as well deal with any resentment up front, so we’ll start with holidays. I get 11 weeks per year. Teachers in schools get more. I understand that people in the real world get insultingly poor amounts of annual leave, and I feel bad about this. But no-one, anywhere (that includes you, Cameron) will take my glorious six-week summer off me.

2. Holidays (Part Two). Last year the afore-mentioned six week summer break began on July 7^th. The Ashes series started on July 8^th. This point needs no further expansion.

3. The Students. Yes, I know this one is hard to believe; even a cursory glance at The Daily Mail will indicate that the youth of today are a snarling, feral mass, pausing from their casual sex and drug-taking only to mug passing old ladies and commit knife crimes. You may be disappointed to learn that actually, today’s teenagers are pretty much the same as any other generation of teenagers: moody, unpredictable, funny, witty, charming…in short, they are good company. Although I do query some of their musical taste, and the overall aesthetics of wearing one’s jeans halfway down one’s backside.

4. Talking About What You Love, All Day Every Day. I teach English, which means that rather than answer telephones and push bits of paper around a desk all day, a typical Monday might include reading Wuthering Heights (and indeed performing the Kate Bush caterwauling classic as a Christmas treat), acting out bits of Streetcar Named Desire (Stellllaaaaaaa!), and teaching how to write scripts, articles or short stories….it’s amazing.

5. Seasonal Celebrations. Christmas is fun, sure. Christmas in a college with hundreds of sixteen-year-olds who are desperately excited but are trying equally desperately not to show it is even better. Students are also very keen on the confectionary that tends to accompany such seasonal celebrations, and bring it in by the bucket load; there is surely not a teacher in existence who has not felt their waistband constrict at Easter or Christmas due to a surfeit of Quality Street.

6. Stationery. This may actually be specific to English teachers, but every September the pain of a new academic year is soothed by an almighty trip to Paperchase to stock up on novelty pens and notebooks with monkeys on. This is an essential part of teaching, and its impact on the economic stability of Britain must not be overlooked.

7. Students Suddenly Realising You’re Not Ninety. I am not particularly advanced in years, but to my youthful charges I may as well be approaching my hundred and twelfth birthday. Until, of course, you are spotted outside of work, wearing jeans, talking to friends, and maybe (gasp) drinking wine. This prompts much admiration, as students recognise you for what you truly are – a plucky old person with a life outside college. This will raise your kudos above every member of the maths and science departments almost instantly.

July 10, 2010