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7 Reasons to Shop Online

Posted on December 7, 2009 in Posts | 76 comments

Online Shopping

1. Queues.  Sometimes, shops are busy and there are long queues.  Having spent the previous ten minutes standing in a queue for the checkout, many people are taken by surprise when they are asked for money.  Once they get over the shock of this unanticipated event, they proceed to spend an inordinate amount of time fumbling for cash, cards or vouchers in their pocket, wallet or handbag (sometimes all three), thus making everyone else’s wait in the queue even longer.  Approximately 50% of the people in the queue will do this.  When an online shop is busy, their servers are sometimes slow, which causes pages to load slowly.  This gives you time to practice drumming on the desk or to sing show-tunes from Fiddler on the Roof which, on balance, is better than murdering idiots in Borders.

2.  Scary Man.

Scary Man

I saw this man at the shops.

3.  Creativity.  If you have too much beer, you can’t go shopping.  You tend to stumble about, get distracted and forget things.  You may even fall over or get asked to leave the shop.  When shopping online though, drunkenness is a virtue, as it lowers our inhibitions and brings our creative tendencies to the fore.  In the same way that all of the best ideas happen in the pub (and are sadly often forgotten), all the best shopping ideas occur when under the influence.  Why buy your partner perfume or aftershave, lingerie or underpants in a shop when you can have a few beers and get them a pan in the shape of a fried egg, a map of New Zealand, an illuminated bust of Beethoven and a biography of Charles Lindbergh?  You can also get yourself a new bicycle while you’re at it.

4.  Happy cat.  When you have to go to the shop for groceries, you tend to pick up a couple of tins of cat food at a time.  When you shop online, you stock up.  The monthly online grocery shop is like Christmas for cats.

Happy Cat_edited-1

5.  Attire. When you visit the shops, you have to dress normally, or people will point at you and security guards may follow you around.  When you’re shopping online, however, you can wear whatever you want.  If you’re fond of hats, you can wear a pith helmet, a Davy Crockett hat, a top hat or a straw boater without feeling at all self-conscious.  If you’re not fond of hats, you can wear whatever costume you like.  You could dress up as a Louis XVI or a pirate – you could even dress up as a bear, though this might hamper your ability to use the keyboard and may cause you to order too much salmon.

6.  Teenagers.  The over-made-up 15 year girl at the Superdrug checkout who hates you for reasons that you don’t understand doesn’t scowl at you, and sigh when you tell her that you don’t require a bag, when you shop online.  You may not recall treading on her puppy but at some point during a transaction with her, you will wonder if you have.

7.  Christmas.  When you shop online your senses aren’t assaulted by gaudy decorations, flashing lights, glittery stuff or baubles, unless that’s what your own home looks like, in which case you probably won’t mind.  You will not bang your head on all of the decorations which were hung from the ceiling by an inconsiderate short-arse (for blind people this is a serious issue) and you will not have to listen to Stop The Cavalry once, let alone thirty times.  I hate Stop The Cavalry so much that I’m tempted to write Stop The Stop The Cavalry.  I probably will do, in a queue in a shop while waiting for people who’ve just discovered that they need to exchange money for goods.

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76 Comments

  1. The thing I love about this so much is that we now have ads for ‘Geek to Geek’ dating and ‘Fitness Clubs’.
    .-= Jon´s last blog ..Delia Does Classic Christmas Whippet =-.

  2. My Dad also hates the morons in York who take an age to find their money at the checkout

  3. Jon, We should have “Geek to Fitness Club Dating”, or we should pitch it as a reality television show.

    Rob, Your father and I should perhaps form some sort of vigilante queue-justice mob to banish the scourge of inept-shoppery from our fair city.
    .-= Marc´s last blog ..A Guest Post by Hester Made (up)* =-.

  4. Funny article, well done and definitely true ! I love the happy cat paragraph, and it works with dog too !

  5. That cat looks like something out of a japanese cartoon!! haha cute!

  6. Hey,

    I could find more than 7 reasons to shop online. I am buying online everything except clothing.

  7. This is a great list, which could easily be added to by most shoppers that prefer to go online.

    I can personally relate to everything you’ve mentioned and it sparks more things that drive me to my computer to shop versus having to brave getting ready to go out,traffic, parking, other people, other people, etc.

  8. I love the cat, very cute!

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