Tag: bear

7 Reasons To Give Someone A Hug

Did you know it was National Hug Day today? If you are reading this in the USA then you probably did. It’s quite big over there apparently. In the UK though, it has failed to catch on. In many ways 7 Reasons are indicative of this sad situation. We are more the high-fiving kind than the hugging variety. Today that changes though. Today we hug. And you should too. Here’s why:

1. Tactical. You’re waiting for a tube, a train or a bus. And you’re not alone. There are dozens and dozens of others doing exactly them same. So many in fact that there is no way you are all going to get on. There is no way you are hanging about for another thirty minutes for the next one though, so you need a plan. What will get you on that tube, train or bus ahead of everyone else? Save for a machete, it’s hugging. If you start hugging everyone in that queue their urge to get on that next tube, train or bus will begin to diminish. So much so that they’ll be very happy to let you get on and then wait in the pouring rain. Just in case hugging is only the start.

2. Approach. We’ve all been in the position of seeing someone we quite like the look of. Someone we’d like to say hello to. Someone we’d like to become friends with. Maybe more than friends if you are particularly horny. But one thing always stops us. We aren’t quite sure what to say. While ‘Hello’ always sounds like a promising opening, if you can’t back it up with something else you are opening yourself up to look like a lemon. You wish that they would just come over and talk to you. That would be fine. The problem is, they are full of the same doubts that you are. They don’t really know what to say either. Which is why you both walk on, never to see each other again. It’s an opportunity missed. If this sounds like you, you need to bring out the hug. The next time you see someone you like, just walk up to them and hug them. If they don’t respond, step away and look shocked, “Oh my goodness!” you exclaim, “I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else.” They’ll understand. If they do respond though, just keep that hug going. No talking will ever be required.

3. Annoy Uncle Marc. If you know one thing about Uncle Marc it’s that he doesn’t want a hug. He doesn’t want a hug from you and he certainly doesn’t want a hug from your children. He especially doesn’t want a hug from the child that just spilled milk all down her t-shirt and then pooed on the living room floor. Get that child to hug him. His face will be priceless.

4. Warmth. It’s easily done. You are walking along the banks of an icy river when a swan starts attacking you. In your scramble to fight back you end up in the icy waters. In a bid to avoid death and pneumonia, you make it back onto dry land. Keeping your freezing and soaking wet clothes on will do you no favours, so you quickly strip and protect your dignity with a swan’s wing. You then go in search of warmth. Bodily warmth. Fifty yards ahead you spy a man and woman out for a walk. Naked, you run towards them. They are too startled by the sight to move out of your way, leaving you to jump into their arms and regain that much needed heat.

5. Strength. What better way to show small children that you’re far more powerful than they are than to give them a bear-hug? And, as you wrap you powerful, grown-up arms around them and squeeze the very air from their lungs, they’ll be really impressed. Then they’ll file it away in their memory and return the favour when you’re an old man which, as no one ever wants to hug an old man, will be a welcome event for you. Even if it does lead to your first incontinent episode.

6. Surprise. Rather unfortunately you have just bumped into the side of someone’s Mercedes. It’s not all your fault, the brake on your skateboard fell off before you reached the top of the hill. There’s still damage though. To the car. And your Sony MiniDisc. The driver looks furious. He’s getting out of the car and his moustache is quivering with rage. You have a choice. A) Skate away leaving him and the pieces of your Sony MiniDisc on the floor. B) Apologize profusely, saying you’ll pay for the damage. C) Simply give him a big old squeeze. The chances are he’ll be expecting you to do either of the first two, so by hugging him you momentarily disarm him. Once this is done, you can apologize or skate away. Whichever it is, he’ll be standing in the middle of the road wondering what the hell just happened. By the time he has realized, you’ll be hugging some other bloke half a mile down the road.

7. Fun. I was once told that I hug like a murderer as I favour the one-handed hug (leaving my left hand free). Obviously, at 7 Reasons (.org) we’re not going to encourage you to use your free hand to stab the person that you’re hugging. That would be wrong* and potentially hazardous to you, should you be foolish enough to use a knife with too long a blade. At least you’d die in someone else’s arms though. But no, what you should use your free hand for is to affix a note to their back saying “I stole this coat from orphans” or “Please kiss me”. That’s the sort of thing that makes hugging worthwhile and rewarding. Who wants a hug?

*Not to mention the consternation that it would cause our legal representatives.

January 21, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: In Case of Bear

It occurred to us that, although we’ve shown you how not to deal with a bear in the past, we’ve never shown you how to deal with a bear. Until now…

August 15, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date A Polar Bear

1. Inuits, Yupiks, Chukchis, Nenets and Russian Pomors. You are really going to piss them off. To them, a polar bear is the ultimate utility. They use the fur for trousers, fat for fuel, the gallbladder for medicinal purposes and the teeth as amulets. You start dating a polar bear and the Inuits are going to have to start walking around with bare legs.

2. Bathroom Usage. If you do insist on dating a polar bear, then you have to understand one thing. You will never be able to use your bath again. The polar bear will see this as their natural environment. They will sleep in it, splash around in it, hunt in it and get bath salts in uncomfortable places in it. You’ll also get the water board investigating a major leak.

3. Eating. A polar bear’s diet isn’t a very mixed one. They like seals. Particularly bearded ones. It’s not the most comfortable thing to have to order in the local Harry Ramsdens. Especially when you have to add that the polar bear is going to batter it themselves.

4. Meeting The Parents. Never the easiest thing to do. Especially when you’re dating a polar bear. Thankfully, your parents were very understanding/scared and so those introductions went swimmingly. Literally. You all met in your bath. Now though, it’s your turn to meet the polar bear’s parents. In the Arctic. You think you’ve prepared well. You have all the thermals on and a distress flare stuffed down your trousers. Nothing can go wrong. Until you meet them. And you realise they all look the bloody same.

5. Games. We may be getting older, but there is a still a bit of the child in all of us. Some more than others it must be said. Occasionally we do like to be a bit silly and play a game. Catch, Frisbee, Twister etc. These are all fine and I can assure you that the polar bear will love them. What you don’t want to play, though, is Hide & Seek. Particularly if your walls are painted white. You’re going to be playing for bloody ages.

6. Habits. It would be nice to think that on your return home after a long day at work, the polar bear has made a nice meal for you. Unfortunately this is little more than wishful thinking. All too regularly you’ll come home to find them perched atop a pile of ice cubes watching Seal or No Seal on the Nature Channel.

7. Romance. Against all the odds, it is going well. You’ve got over the fact that seal whiskers are being left all over the bathroom floor and the polar bear no longer smacks you around the side of the head whenever you pop a Fox’s Glacier Mint into your mouth. It might be time to move it to the next level. You’ve taken the polar bear out for the evening, wine and dined and danced the night away, now you are in the taxi. A paw gently brushes your thigh before the polar bear moves towards your ear and whispers, ‘I’m going to eat you alive later’.

July 16, 2010
7 Reasons to Ignore “Official” Advice on Mountain Lions and Bears

Friend of 7 Reasons, Simon Best, spotted this yesterday in the Rocky Mountain National Park newspaper. It’s 7 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Mountain Lion or a Bear.

At 7 Reasons, we read anything that comes in sevens, but there was something about the advice in this article that didn’t seem quite right. In fact, all of the suggestions contained in the article raised our suspicion.

We’ve scrutinised it carefully, and we are of the firm opinion that this article is a trap, written by hungry bears and mountain lions to dupe gullible tourists into feeling at ease when walking in the Rocky Mountain National Park. Here’s what we suspect was in their minds when they wrote this diabolical document:

1. “Travel in groups and make much noise as you hike. Keep your group, especially children, close together.” Travel en masse (because we are hungry mountain lions and bears) and make much noise (this will make you easy for us to find). Keep your group, especially children (who are fast) close together (this will cut down on the chasing. We find the chasing tiring).

2. “Do not approach a mountain lion or a bear.” Because we may be busy stealing picnic baskets or shitting in the woods. Instead, we will approach you, when you least expect it. Usually when you’re taking a nap or using the toilet yourself. We find this hilarious.

3. “Stay calm when you see a mountain lion or bear” Because agitated people don’t taste as nice.

4. “Stop; back away slowly. Never turn your back and run.” Move slowly (this makes you easier to catch.) Never turn your back and run (as you may startle the mountain lion that we have stationed behind you. This will make him cross).

5. “Stand tall and look large. Raise your arms. Protect small children by picking them up.” Stand tall and look large (you will be easy for us to see). Raise your arms (easier). Protect small children by picking them up (this saves us from having to bend down to eat them).

6. “If approached, make loud noises, shout, clap hands, clang pots and pans.” We’re big fans of Stomp. Perform for us before we dine.

7. “If attacked by a mountain lion or bear, fight back!” And then we will tear you limb from limb; with our bear hands.

So, to summarise, ignore the advice in this article as it might as well have Sponsored by the North American Association of Hungry Mountain Lions and Bears written at the bottom of it. Oh, and be wary of bears and mountain lions, as they’re clearly up to no good.

July 15, 2010
7 Reasons to Shop Online

1. Queues. Sometimes, shops are busy and there are long queues. Having spent the previous ten minutes standing in a queue for the checkout, many people are taken by surprise when they are asked for money. Once they get over the shock of this unanticipated event, they proceed to spend an inordinate amount of time fumbling for cash, cards or vouchers in their pocket, wallet or handbag (sometimes all three), thus making everyone else’s wait in the queue even longer. Approximately 50% of the people in the queue will do this. When an online shop is busy, their servers are sometimes slow, which causes pages to load slowly. This gives you time to practice drumming on the desk or to sing show-tunes from Fiddler on the Roof which, on balance, is better than murdering idiots in Borders.

2. Scary Man.

I saw this man at the shops.

3. Creativity. If you have too much beer, you can’t go shopping. You tend to stumble about, get distracted and forget things. You may even fall over or get asked to leave the shop. When shopping online though, drunkenness is a virtue, as it lowers our inhibitions and brings our creative tendencies to the fore. In the same way that all of the best ideas happen in the pub (and are sadly often forgotten), all the best shopping ideas occur when under the influence. Why buy your partner perfume or aftershave, lingerie or underpants in a shop when you can have a few beers and get them a pan in the shape of a fried egg, a map of New Zealand, an illuminated bust of Beethoven and a biography of Charles Lindbergh? You can also get yourself a new bicycle while you’re at it.

4. Happy cat. When you have to go to the shop for groceries, you tend to pick up a couple of tins of cat food at a time. When you shop online, you stock up. The monthly online grocery shop is like Christmas for cats.

5. Attire. When you visit the shops, you have to dress normally, or people will point at you and security guards may follow you around. When you’re shopping online, however, you can wear whatever you want. If you’re fond of hats, you can wear a pith helmet, a Davy Crockett hat, a top hat or a straw boater without feeling at all self-conscious. If you’re not fond of hats, you can wear whatever costume you like. You could dress up as a Louis XVI or a pirate – you could even dress up as a bear, though this might hamper your ability to use the keyboard and may cause you to order too much salmon.

6. Teenagers. The over-made-up 15 year girl at the Superdrug checkout who hates you for reasons that you don’t understand doesn’t scowl at you, and sigh when you tell her that you don’t require a bag, when you shop online. You may not recall treading on her puppy but at some point during a transaction with her, you will wonder if you have.

7. Christmas. When you shop online your senses aren’t assaulted by gaudy decorations, flashing lights, glittery stuff or baubles, unless that’s what your own home looks like, in which case you probably won’t mind. You will not bang your head on all of the decorations which were hung from the ceiling by an inconsiderate short-arse (for blind people this is a serious issue) and you will not have to listen to Stop The Cavalry once, let alone thirty times. I hate Stop The Cavalry so much that I’m tempted to write Stop The Stop The Cavalry. I probably will do, in a queue in a shop while waiting for people who’ve just discovered that they need to exchange money for goods.

December 7, 2009