Tag: war

7 Reasons To Buy A Buttock

Hello! That probably isn’t a title you were expecting to see today, and it wasn’t one I was expecting to write either, but life has just thrown something so amazing and unexpected at me that I feel compelled to share it with you. The BBC has reported that there’s a buttock for sale. That’s right. A buttock! Here are seven reasons to buy it.

1. It’s Not Just Any Buttock. It’s Saddam Hussein’s! You can own a part of a tyrant’s tush; a dictator’s derriere; a bully’s bum; an autocrat’s anus; a totalitarian’s tail. It’s half of Saddam Hussein’s bottom!

2. It’s Got An Amazing History. I’m certain that there are very few people in the world that haven’t seen the footage of Saddam Hussein’s statue being toppled in Firdos Square by US Marines. Well, it’s a part of that statue! A part of the arse of that statue! Half, in fact. It was collected by former SAS soldier, Nigel Ely, who was working with a TV crew at the time. According to the BBC:

Finding the bronze statue face-down, the ex-serviceman enlisted the help of a marine armed with a crowbar and a sledgehammer to cut out half of the despot’s backside.

Genius! With the entire back of this historic statue to choose from Mr Ely selected half of the bum as a souvenir. And he got an American to help him. “What!? You want me to help you remove half the statue’s ass? Sure, why not?” As if being asked to remove a tyrant’s butt-cheek was an everyday occurence in the marines. Perhaps it is.

3. It’s In Derby. Ever been to Derby? Yes? Well now there’s something to do there! And it’s buying a backside at an auction. Saddam Hussein? You can go to Derby and bid on his ass.

4. It’s For Charity. Proceeds from the sale of 50% of Saddam Hussein’s posterior will go towards helping injured ex-service-personnel from the UK and the US, so whoever purchases it will actually be doing something worthy. I can confidently state that money for a great cause will be the best thing that’s ever come out of Saddam Hussein’s bottom.

5. It’s Made Of Bronze! Bronze! So the winning bidder won’t be invited to sell it during every commercial break and at every other new shop on the high street. It’ll also be highly resistant to saltwater corrosion. If they so desire, the lucky purchaser can melt it down and make something else from it. A bust, perhaps, or a porthole.

6. It’s Unique (Almost). It’s not guaranteed to be absolutely unique as, unless there’s something surprising about Saddam Hussein’s anatomy that I’m not privy to, there’s potentially another buttock out there. But that could prove lucrative as they’d be worth far more as a pair. I have no idea how you’d find the other one, but tracking it down could be a great hobby for someone. I don’t reccomend using a search engine though, as I imagine that googling “Saddam Hussein’s arse” will probably bring you to this website in the future. As if we didn’t get enough weirdos. We’ve had “where is dangling place” and “how to read on the toilet” in the last half hour. And I’m loathe to mention the “horse sex tube”. Bugger.

7. It’ll Be In Your House! Or perhaps your garden. Wherever you choose to keep it though, it’ll be the greatest talking point of all time. “May I use your bathroom?” “Sure, it’s the door over there, just next to Saddam Hussein’s buttock.” “Where did you plant the begonia?” “By Saddam Hussein’s arse.” Seriously, who wouldn’t want this in their home?

October 12, 2011
7 Reasons That Time Is The Enemy

I’ve just realised something. Something important. Something life-altering. Something that, though I was vaguely aware that it was so, I’d never really considered before. I’ve just realised who the enemy is and it’s not even the French! It’s that odious bastard time. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Time Causes You To Sacrifice Things You Hold Dear. Time – the scoundrel – causes you to miss many things that you dearly love to do. Haven’t played your guitar for a while, visited that spa or baked that cake? No? It’s because there isn’t time. You probably thought there was time – that you could fit it in – but time deserted you when you needed it most. And then time forced you to make the tricky decision about what to sacrifice because of your lack of it. Time has run out on you and made you the bad guy. If you find yourself having to make the choice to spend more of your time doing the washing up or the hoovering rather than spending your time doing what you really want to be doing, it’s time’s fault.

2. Time Forces You To Compromise. Time continually places us in compromising positions. Because of time, everything becomes a compromise: Should you do something quickly or do something well? Should you diligently hone your craft and produce excellence or just botch things in a hurried manner for a quick result? Time forces you to make compromises in every area of your life when you’d probably rather not. Time forces you to compromise every damned…er…time.

3. Time Makes Your Life Needlessly Difficult. We strive to be on time; not early nor late, because what is prized in our society is punctuality; being on time. This means that how you are seen in the eyes of your peers – your social standing – is held in the fickle fingers of fate. In an ideal world, it’s not difficult to be punctual, but we don’t live in an ideal world. Every puncture, every train breakdown, every tube strike, in fact, every little incident and accident that we encounter on the way to wherever it is we’re going could potentially make us late, which will affect how we’re judged by our peers; “He’s always late”, people will whisper, “she’s a terrible timekeeper”. Time sets you difficult to attain targets then rewards your inevitable failure with opprobrium.

4. It’s Never The Right Time. No matter what age you are, it’s never the right time. When you’re young, it’s never playtime, it’s always bathtime or bedtime or time to go to school. When you have kids of your own, it’s never bathtime or bedtime, it’s always sodding playtime and it’s never time to go home. Then when you’re old it’s always bloody bedtime and you’re in a home. It’s never the right time.

5. Time Is Bad For Us. Time is attacking you and I at this very moment. It’s doing all sorts of vile things to us: It’s turning us grey; it’s making us wrinkly; it’s making some bits of us bigger and some bits of us smaller; it’s making bits of us fall out and adding extra bits where there weren’t bits before; bits that we didn’t need; bits that didn’t want; bits that we’re going to have to spend even more time removing. Time is making the inside of your ears hairy right now for no earthly reason other than to mock you.

6. Time Will Kill You. Humans are fragile creatures and there are many dangerous things that we might encounter during the course of our lives: War, famine, pestilence, irate husbands, startled horses, out of control dirigibles, rogue hippopotami, a landslide, a flood, a furious baboon; there are all manner of things that can kill us. But one thing is certain, if, against all the odds, we survive all of those things then time will kill us. Time kills more people than all of the armies of the world combined. Time kills more people than every monstrous dictator that’s ever committed an act of genocide. Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, Leopold of Belgium and Adolf Hitler were lightweights when compared with time. Time is a mass murderer. Time should be in a cell in The Hague. For the rest of time.

7. Time Is Addictive. Time, in the manner of an opiate, has us hooked. For after it’s turned us grey, caused us to sacrifice many of the things that we hold dear, turned our lives into a frustrating series of compromises, punished us for every little mishap that was outside our control, it still holds us in its thrall. Like irresolute crack whores we go running back to it, because we’re compelled to; we’re addicted to time. We can’t get enough of it. We can never have enough time. What every last one of us wants is more time. Time is our enemy, yet we can’t live without it.

As you can plainly see, time is an insidious and diabolically cruel outrage that humankind should wage war against. I’d lead the charge myself, but sadly, I don’t have the time.

July 14, 2011
7 Reasons to Shop With 7 Reasons

You’ve laughed with us, you’ve cried with us, you’ve watched us, you’ve read us, you’ve heard us, you’ve written for us, you’ve tweeted with us, you’ve got engaged with us, you’ve had a baby with us and probably other stuff too. And now, in a new and exciting development, you can shop with 7 Reasons. And here are seven reasons that you should.

1. Be Unique. Everyone wants to feel distinctive, unique and a bit special. And, if you purchase a 7 Reasons t-shirt, the chances are very high that it will actually be unique. After all, how many people are you likely to bump into in your local pub wearing the same Haystack Poking Patrol t-shirt as you? And even in the unlikely event that you did meet someone else in a pub wearing that same t-shirt, you could just say, “Hello Marc” and I’d probably buy you a beer. You’ll be unique or you’ll get beer. That sounds like a good deal.

2. To Marvel At The Emporium. The 7 Reasons team have (amongst other things) expertise in web design and the retail sector. You might think that this would make putting together an online shop easy. But you’d be wrong. Because in typical 7 Reasons style, the one with the retail background did the web design and the one with the web design background is in charge of the retail side of things (and did everything else). So if it does crash or start randomly giving away free merchandise you’ll be there to witness/benefit.

3. Because Our Wares Are Really Jolly Good. I didn’t have anything to do with the design of the lemon t-shirt (God or Darwin, depending on your viewpoint, designed the lemon and Jonathan Lee did the rest), so I can say this. It’s bloody brilliant. Look at it! Just look at it! It’s really a beautiful piece of design. It’s a pop-art pie-chart in lemon. Who wouldn’t want to wear that, other than the abjectly wrong and gits? No one.

4. Innovation. Because the product range will grow as we think of more things to add. We’re already looking into producing 7 Reasons Inspirational Beer-Mats, calendars and fridge-magnets, so you’ll never know what you might find there: A 7 Reasons horse; a 7 Reasons handbag; a 7 Reasons his and his voodoo doll set; a replica 7 Reasons sofa. Anything. Or if you don’t find what you want, you might eventually, because…

5. We’re interactive. We can’t think of everything. We’ve tried and have gotten distracted by girls and tiramisu and things. But we love great ideas and, if you’ve thought of something you’d like to see in the 7 Reasons shop that isn’t there, you can email us and, if we think it’s a good idea, we’ll look into making it. And we’ll probably put your name on it too, unless it’s something really small – or embarrassing – in which case we won’t. Or if you have a really long name like Bartholomew Constantine Washington Penderghast the third, we might not. But if you’re called Jennifer Aniston we definitely will, and that’s a promise.

6. Incentive. Has any other website ever encouraged you to invade a country? Yes, probably, but only evil ones. We’re nice chaps though, and we’d like to encourage a more benign, civilised, conquest: So the first five readers that are photographed standing atop the Eiffel Tower waving a Union Flag and wearing one of our France Invasion t-shirts will get the money they spent on the t-shirt refunded.*

7. Because We’re Very Excited. So excited, in fact, that we spent a couple of hours putting this post together about our shop and forgot to include a link to it. So here it is (this is the link). Now go and shop till you drop! Or at least until your arms are very full and you feel a little faint.**

*We can sometimes tell the difference between the Blackpool and Eiffel towers and we’re also quite good at spotting things that have been photoshopped so no tomfoolery, please.

**I – Marc – would like to thank my colleague Jonathan Lee for all of the effort that he put into the shop and the merchandise (and for fielding slightly ranty emails about World War Two font styles and spacing without ever losing his cool). Never let it be said that he doesn’t work very, very hard indeed.

April 8, 2011
7 Reasons That Love is Important

It’s Valentine’s Day!!! On Monday. Apologies for any panic we may have caused there, but the 7 Reasons team have decided to jump the gun and celebrate St Valentine’s Day prematurely. Because we’re lovesick. Well, one of us is in love and that just makes the other one feel sick, but that’s near enough. So, in honour of the patron saint of pink stuff everywhere, here are seven reasons that love is important.

1. Make Love Not War. It’s a tired expression, but – short of a nuclear missile – love really is the one thing that can end conflict. For good. We are not interested in truces. Like a dirty weekend in a Travelodge outside of Leeds, it won’t last. Real love means complete acceptance of what others believe and how they choose to live. A marriage of acceptance if you like. Not that I’m suggesting we should accept or indeed make love to radical extremists. That would be extreme. And quite dangerous if their grenades are dangling above your head. If you do find yourself in this situation we suggest you wear a helmet. Just in case.

2. Passion. That’s what love is really. Whether it’s passion for your partner or passion for your team or passion for passion fruit, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you feel something for something. Because it’s those feelings that keep us alive. Without emotion we’d be robots. And if you read yesterday’s post you’d realise that’s not a good thing.

3. Compromise. I guess I got lucky. The person I fell in love with also loves what I love. No, not myself. Sport. Which means we don’t have to do the, ‘You can watch Eastenders all week so long as I can watch the rugby all weekend,’ thing. Claire gets to watch Eastenders and the rugby and I get to do the ironing and watch the rugby. But we know we are in the minority. Other people really do have to compromise. And while it may mean missing England beat Wales, you do it because you’re in love. And I admire that. I admire it because I couldn’t do it. Which is why I told Claire before we even started dating that watching England play cricket or rugby comes before anything else in my life. A year later I still haven’t missed a game. And that just makes me love her even more.

4. Inspiration. Throughout human history, love has acted as a spur, a stimulus, a motivational factor in many of mankind’s greatest accomplishments. The life’s work of Thomas Aquinas; Shelley’s One Word is Too Often Profaned; Shah Jahan’s construction of the Taj Mahal, the historical examples of great works inspired by, and created out of love are almost boundless. Essentially, if we didn’t have love, we’d still be slimy-fish creatures or animal-bothering Neanderthals living in caves or swamps or our own poo or something. But thanks to love, most of us aren’t.

5. Tennis. I don’t think anything in the world explains love better than a tennis match. As I am sure you are aware, ‘love’ in tennis is the equivalent of zero. Zilch. Nothing. In other words, it is valueless. And that is what love outside of tennis is too. You can’t put a value on love. Unless you are in Amsterdam. Though between you and me I don’t think ten minutes* with a Dutch girl called Helga really counts. Love is the most valuable commodity in life and yet it is free. I have always thought that is a rather wonderful intricacy. We pay our taxes so that the NHS and the Police are there for us when we need them, but the people who are there for us when we don’t need them are free.

6. Popular Song. If it weren’t for the eternally prevalent theme of love, pop music would be wholly different. There’d be no Renée and Renato’s Save Your Love, there’d be no Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Love in my Tummy by Ohio Express, and there’d be no When We Collide by Matt Cardle. This might initially seem like a spectacularly good anti-love argument, but it’s quite the reverse, because when repugnant, saccharine dross like this is being played, you might just find that across a crowded room, someone else is also covering their ears with their hands and bellowing, “What is this shit!?” And at that moment, your eyes may meet, and that’s when you’ll find true love. And all because of love songs, which really do begat love. However circuitously.

7. Emotional Intensity. Love – and this is important in these straitened economic times – is free. Your other half loves you because you’re you, not because of what you can give them. Love – true love – transcends the baser human tendency toward being fiscally and materially acquisitive in favour of devotion to and acceptance of another person; no matter what their circumstances or their idiosyncrasies. When you have found your true soul-mate you will have found unconditional acceptance. Which is why my other half is going to love her Valentine’s Day card this year, no matter how much it cost.

She's gonna love this.

*Okay, two and a half.**

**This never happened.***

***Well, it probably did to someone exciting.

February 11, 2011
7 Reasons That James Blunt Must Be Stopped

You may agree with Dave Cameron; you may follow Nick Thing; you may be a supporter of Mad Elliband; you may be a devotee of that Scottish man with a name like a fish. It doesn’t matter, because there’s one cause that everyone must unite behind: Stopping James Blunt. And be in no doubt whatsoever, James Blunt must be stopped. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Ubiquity. He’s bloody everywhere. On everything. I can’t turn on my television or my radio at the moment without James Blunt being on it. I can’t visit websites – though I’m aware I’m now partially responsible for this – or open newspapers (yes, newspapers, those paper things from the past that existed before this screen in front of you with these words on. He’s in them too) without seeing or hearing him. James Blunt has – in the last fortnight – achieved total, absolute, all-permeating multi-platform media omnipresence. He’s in a magazine somewhere near me right now. And near you. In fact he’s in all of the magazines. Everywhere. All over the place. Being James Blunt.

2. He’s Becoming Weirder. Remember when Tom Cruise seemed normal? No? Well some of us have long memories and he did once. Before he split up with Penelope Cruz; before he started jumping up and down on Oprah’s sofa; before he began espousing odd birthing techniques, Tom Cruise didn’t seem all that weird. But he does now. And the same thing is happening to James Blunt. He used to look and seem relatively at one with the world, but the more I see him, and the more I see him respond to external stimuli (interviews, conversation etc) by grinning inanely and then grinning inanely some more, the more he reminds me of Tom Cruise. Which is the slippery slope to weirdness.

3. His Hair. Have you seen his hair? I’m about to skirt the accepted boundaries of heterosexuality right here and right now, but I don’t care; because James Blunt’s hair used to be lovely. Absolutely fucking lovely. A dark, lustrous, bounteous, luxuriant barnet; a follicular paragon; a mane to rival the legendary tresses of both Samson and Aniston, but have you seen it recently? When he appeared on Have I Got News For You (and Never Mind The Buzzcocks and Daybreak and The One Show and BBC Breakfast and T4 and Something For The Weekend and London Tonight and The Graham Norton Show) it looked like he’d painted a brillo pad orange and stuck it down to his head. I don’t know how this is happening to his hair or why it’s happening; but what if it’s catching? What if it happens to my hair?! Or yours?

Seriously. What has happened here and is it contagious?

4. The Bath. And then last night it all became even stranger. Because, when I was listening to a politics programme on BBC Radio 5Live in the bath (on a rare occasion that it wasn’t full of champagne and dancing girls), they announced that they were about to interview James Blunt. Oh God, I thought. I’m trapped. I’ve just put on my facial mud (for MEN) and now I’m going to be stuck in the bath for twenty minutes listening to James Blunt…again. And I was. And I couldn’t even put my head under the water to cover my ears or to drown myself because of the mud. So I had to listen. And listen I did. I listened to James Blunt recount the time that he disobeyed orders from his commanders in Kosovo and didn’t attack the Russians, thus averting a massive East-West conflict. That’s right, James Blunt saved us from World War III. And while, at the bottom of my heart, I knew that not having a third world war was probably a good and desirable thing, I couldn’t help thinking that if we’d had a third world war, James Blunt would never have been allowed to leave the army and we’d never have had to listen to his music, and he wouldn’t be bloody everywhere; all over the place; even in my bath.

5. The Song. And sure enough, as I lay there unable to escape from James Blunt: Saviour of the World, they played the song. The same song that I’ve heard everywhere, every time that James Blunt has appeared over the last fortnight: You’re Beautiful. The one James Blunt song that I know, apparently the one James Blunt song that everyone knows. There are others, sure, but can you name them? No, and I can’t either. I, a musical man with an enviable collection of music; a man for whom music has been a passion for his entire life. A man who owns all four Electrelane studio albums, and has most of the Os Mutantes albums on original vinyl. I can’t name more than one James Blunt song and neither can anyone else except his fans, and even they can’t do it with any certainty. And having heard it sodding everywhere for the past fortnight (even the Sesame Street version) it came as a blessed relief later on, to turn the television, the computer and the radio off knowing that I would escape from it. And then my wife started humming the bloody thing (having presumably absorbed it through some sort of osmosis) and, while I couldn’t help but agree with her sentiments, it was still the same damned song…again. But off key.

6. Then There’s His Name. James Blunt’s name is James Blunt. That’s right: James Blunt. And you might think to a humourist, that it would offer all manner of potential, but it doesn’t. Quite the opposite, in fact. Because it rhymes with the one word in the English language that you can never, ever use without losing the sympathy of your reader. If he were called James Bluck, James Block, James Blank, James Blick, James Blit, James Bliss, James Blits, or James Brance I might conceivably be able to make fun of him in rhyme. But I can’t. Because his name is Blunt. And do know what’s really annoying about it? It isn’t even his real name. He changed it. His original name is Blount: Pronounced Blunt.

7. And This Is The Worst Part. He seems like a nice guy. A man who, despite being everywhere with his one song irritating the hell out of you, me and all those other people standing about and clogging the pavements, actually seems to have substance. A man who has a mind of his own and is no mere vacuous, avaricious, chancer like many contemporary popular musicians. A man who has served his country in combat and has come out of the experience intact and has forged a successful post-army life for himself; sadly in contrast to many ex-servicemen who often don’t get the support that they deserve and that we owe them. A man who goes back and performs concerts for the troops and is a vociferous advocate of, and fundraiser for, Médecins Sans Frontières. And that makes criticism of him hard. And it probably makes me look like a bit of a count. But please, for the love of god, James. Stop. Enough. We all know we’re beautiful and we need a break now.

November 15, 2010
7 Reasons the Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

Yesterday, at 7 Reasons (.org) we ran a post entitled 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement Is A Bad Idea. I discovered that we had done so while I was eating my breakfast, and it’s fair to say that I was quite stunned. In fact I, the Jacques Tati obsessed, Voltaire-reading, coffee-guzzling half of the 7 Reasons team (the one with the French name), almost choked on my croissant. “A bad idea?!” I exclaimed in a voice so high that it was only audible to very small dogs, “but it’s a brilliant idea!” And it is. Here are seven reasons why:

1. History. The most notable occasion on which we’ve had a defence agreement and a joint expeditionary force with France was the Second World War. And, as I’m sure you’re aware, we won that. Obviously it didn’t work out too well for France, what with Germany annihilating the French army and occupying most of their country, and Britain blowing up the French navy before going home to dine on powdered egg with the Americans. But we did win, so defence agreements with France are a proven success. And now that we have the Channel Tunnel, their government will be able to flee to London so much more quickly than last time. If that’s possible.

2. Cuisine. Working together will rid both nations of antiquated ideas about the other nation’s diet. They will come to realise that there’s more to British cuisine than roast beef – because we’ve had branches of McDonalds since at least the 1970s – and we will come to realise that there’s more to French cuisine than frogs legs. They’ll introduce us to soufflé: An insignificant, over-inflated tart that shrinks at the merest hint of a knife, and Quiche Lorraine: A dish that they readily share with Germans – usually as a starter – which is often followed by a generous helping of their speciality, crêpe à la guerre.

3. Wisdom. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer: A line from The Godfather – often wrongly attributed to Sun Tzu – that’s a very wise strategy indeed. And who is the enemy in this case? Well, it’s France: The nation we’ve spent more time at war with than any other. They are l’ennemi traditionnel, and by being on board the same ships with them we’ll be able to keep a very close eye on them. Also, should a war break out between the nations, civilian casualties will be minimised as the theatre of war will be far smaller than usual; sometimes it will even be confined to the same engine room or bridge. And remember, should the enemy sink one of our aircraft carriers, they will bear half the cost.

4. Finance. Even if you’re not au fait with the minutiae of military funding it’s bleeding obvious that we’re going to save lots of money by sharing spending with France. Look at paint. All armed forces need lots of paint and, by getting together we’ll have greater purchasing power when it comes to procuring it. We’ll make substantial savings on grey paint for navy use, and camouflage paint for army use. And we’ll make even bigger savings on red, white and blue paint as we’ll need bloody loads of that now that we’ll need to paint a French flag on one side of things and a British flag on the other. The savings will be enormous. Énorme.

5. Efficacy. The measure by which all branches of the armed services are judged is their strike-capability. And by entering into an agreement with the French, we’ll increase the strike-capability of our military substantially. In fact, with the French on board, our strike capability will be the highest of any force in the world; our strike-capability will be infinity, which is greater even than the combined forces of China, North Korea, Iran, Christmas Island, Easter Island, Chuck Norris and Malta.

6. Co-operation. When Britain and France work together, the two nations have been able to affect profound and lasting positive sociological change. The channel tunnel, for example, which was first proposed in 1802 and was completed a mere 192 years later, allowed refugees of many nationalities to complete the final leg of their epic journeys of migration; fleeing hardship and squalor from across the four corners of Northern France, to civilisation in Southern England; where they were able to escape the tyranny of boules, cycling and listening to Johnny Hallyday and were introduced to the more civilised British pastimes of cricket, morris dancing, and the Daily-Mail-witch-hunt.

7. Culture. Our nations have much to learn from each other and the accord will doubtless be a civilising influence. As we get to know each other as individuals there will be a significant breakdown of prejudice and an increase in cultural exchange. We will teach the French to drink copious quantities of beer and fight with bald men in shirts at the weekend, and they will teach the British to drink copious quantities of wine and run from bald men in shirts at le weekend. We will teach the French to make popular music that will be cherished the world over, and they will teach the British how to sneer at the X-Factor. We will teach them that France is the ideal holiday destination, and they will teach us that France is the ideal holiday destination. It’s a match made in heaven. The Anglo-French defence agreement is going to be great.

November 3, 2010
7 Reasons We Love Propaganda Posters

At 7 Reasons, we’re quite into war and propaganda, and recently, we’ve been putting together some bits and pieces that we’ve used propaganda posters in. We’ve looked at an awful lot of them in the past couple of weeks, and we were astounded at the amount of brilliant posters that we’d never seen before. We thought we’d show you some of the more obscure ones today. We’re sure you’ll agree that each one of them is a reason to love propaganda posters.

1. Tell Her Nothing (1940). Produced quite early into World War II, this extremely rare British poster proved so popular that as soon as the posters were put up, they would disappear – presumably stolen by amorous servicemen. This woman was a more popular pin-up than Vera Lynn in the early war years. We would tell her everything. And give her the blueprints (whatever blueprints are).

2. He Volunteered For Sperm Donation (c. 1945). Used by the Americans after the end of World War II, this poster encouraged virile men to donate their little swimmers to the wives and partners of soldiers killed in action. It was believed that a baby boom would help the economy recover.

3. Syphilis (c. 1944). A poster used mainly in the Dorset area during the build-up to D-Day. It was used to highlight the dangers of fraternising with the allies.

4. Who Smells Of Fish? (c. 1916). In World War I, rationing meant that some foods such as fish were only able to be eaten on Friday. Many citizens ignored this order though and ate their fish on a Thursday. This campaign was created to scare those who cheated by implying that if you ate fish early you would smell.

5. For A Happy, Healthy Job…(c. 1940). While the Battle of Britain was raging in the South-East of England, these posters were everywhere. Women were encouraged to organise themselves and head out into the countryside to search for German airmen that had been shot down and gone into hiding.

6. Women Of Britain. Direct Our Planes! (c. 1943). Due to the sun, it was hard for Allied pilots to focus on incoming German Bombers and Messerschmitts. The British devised a simple solution. They asked women to go out into the streets and point in the direction of the bastards. Our brave boys were able to look down and follow the direction of where the women were pointing. This simple but effective solution proved vital in winning the Battle of Britain.

7. Tell No One (1939). In the early days of WWII, during the phoney war, it was easy to become overwhelmed by the media’s portrayal of the enemy. This poster was issued by the Ministry of Health, to instruct British men on how best to deal with any psychological issues resulting from the constant media bombardment of war-stories.

********************UPDATE********************

Due to the popularity of this post, we have made this series of propaganda posters available for sale in postcard form in the 7 Reasons Emporium. There are also t-shirts.

March 27, 2010
7 Reasons to Hate Pigeons

1. Impudence. Pigeons poo on statues. This is disrespectful. They poo on Churchill, they poo on Nelson, they poo on Eros. Pigeons poo on all of the nice statues of people and gods that we like. Pigeons don’t poo on statues of Michael Winner or Margaret Thatcher. This may be because we don’t have any, but if we did, pigeons probably wouldn’t poo on them, because pigeons are horrid and annoying.

2. Freeloading. We regularly hear stories (some of us have even witnessed this) of pigeons using London Underground trains to get across London. Do they pay for this? No. These sponging vermin are using our transport system at our expense. They didn’t help build it and they don’t contribute anything to its maintenance or running costs. I have to carry an Oyster Card, so should they. Let’s staple Oyster Cards to them.

3. Imagery. Pigeons are oft described as “winged rats.” That’s “rats,” terrifying pointy-faced, sharp-toothed creatures. That’s “winged,” which is one of the scariest words in the English language when pronounced as a word of two syllables, “wing-ed.” “Wing-ed rats.” It makes me shudder.

4. Idiots. Pigeons attract idiots. Look at this American woman in the Piazza San Marco, Venice. She’s in one of the most beautiful parts of one of the world’s loveliest cities and she’s fascinated by the pigeons. She’s clearly an idiot. She could be looking at the Basilica, she could be looking at the Doge’s Palace, she could be looking at the Procuratie Vecchie but no, she’s looking at pigeons. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bloody pigeon-woman.

5. War. Pigeon excrement was the only known source of saltpetre (potassium nitrate) in 16^th century England. Saltpetre is an essential ingredient in gunpowder, so if your Tudor house was damaged by canon-balls or if your copotain hat was knocked from your head by musket-shot five-hundred years ago, you can blame pigeons.

6. Emasculation. Wood pigeons are the larger, nobler cousins of the urban pigeon. Historically these creatures, with their quite pleasant and distinctive call, have been content to live in trees far away from people (who do not live in trees). Recently though, a pair of these creatures have moved in near to a house belonging to a friend of mine. Their favourite game is to poo on the love of his life (his shiny, expensive German car) and then to sit on his garden fence cooing at him. They do this every day. Not unnaturally, this makes him very cross. If he could get hold of them, he would probably tear their heads off in a murderous rage, but every time he approaches, they casually retreat to a safe distance and continue taunting him. It is because of this that he is now known as The Pigeons’ Bitch. And because of me, obviously. He should never have told me.

7. Profiteering. The use of a fleet of trained carrier pigeons was instrumental in the allowing the Rothschild banking family to make vast fortunes during the Napoleonic wars. They were able to manipulate financial markets for their own gain, based on having exclusive access to early information about the results of battles. Pigeons filled the bankers’ wallet (the Reverend Spooner himself would have been proud of that one, and astonished by the mental image).

December 11, 2009