7 Reasons

Tag: trip

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

    Paris is one of the most frequently trodden cities in the world. It is crawling with tourists, cameras, queues and a whole host of ‘must see’ sights that are famous in every continent. There’s good reason behind this. The place is swimming in formative world history and some of the most influential art man has ever created. There is stunning design on every single corner and, during a rare quiet moment, it could easily be the turn of the twentieth century. Not much in the way of architecture has changed since then.

    And yet, if you’ve actually been to Paris you’ll understand just how quickly tourism loses its appeal. It’s less City of Love, more City of Shove because, as with the best things in this life, it has been inundated with culture vultures. Prepare to be shepherded around galleries by a continuous flow of art junkies desperate to catch a glimpse of the (disappointingly small) Mona Lisa. You’ll be harassed, too, by men who hide behind bunches of glittery, plastic Eifel Tower key rings and scatter when the police arrive.

    If you’re happy to follow the tourist trail, Paris will provide. However, this city has a very different, sometimes macabre, side to it, one that many people overlook because they’re too busy flicking through a guide book. After generating so much artistic output, Paris is bound to have its hidden curiosities and, if you want to immerse yourself in the crux of things, then delve a little deeper. With that in mind, here is 7 Reasons To Visit Paris:

    1.  Shakespeare and Company – 37 Rue Bûcherie, 75005 Paris
    This bookshop has kept its bohemian ideals, despite the changing face of modern France. It has welcomed some 50,000 writers through its doors, to work and stay, including Henry Miller and Allen Ginsberg. At Shakespeare and Company, a motto remains, ‘Be Not Inhospitable to Strangers, Lest They Be Angels in Disguise.’ Therefore, if you’re new to Paris and want to feel at home, you’re sure of a warm reception here. Perhaps they’ll even dust off the bottle of absinthe for you.

    2.  L’Ossuaire Municipal (The Catacombs) – 1 Place Denfert-Rochereau, 75014 Paris
    The best way to avoid the crowded streets is to get beneath them and hang out with folk who can’t cause a ruckus, the dead. A crypt houses the remains of some 6 million people whilst the rest of the Catacombs compromise of a 180 mile network of underground tunnels that were used by rebels during the French Resistance. These days, they’re home to illegal parties and walking tours, though the atmosphere is still dense with history. The walls are daubed with street art dating back to the eighteenth century and, as an added bonus, you won’t need to check the weather in Paris. Ultimately, if you’re trying to avoid conforming to travelling conventions, you can’t get more underground than this…

    7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

    3.  Place de la Madeleine’s Secret Public Toilet – 75008 (follow the winding stairway leading down from the courtyard to the right of the church)
    The oldest and most beautiful loo in the entire city. As strange as it sounds, the Place de la Madeleine public toilet is absolutely worth a visit if you’re into the art nouveau movement, not to mention the fact it’s pretty much a secret. It’s the kind of thing you only know about if you’re a local, so you can feel like a true Parisian as you relieve yourself in style. With thick mahogany doors and intricate mosaic, it’s like an artist’s impression of how toilets should be. After all, doesn’t your derriere deserve the best?

    7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

    4.  Pere Lachaise cemetery – 16 Rue du Repos, 75020 Paris
    Continuing the morbid theme, take in the sunny sights at one of the world’s most prolific cemeteries. Here, big name libertines enjoy their final resting place alongside Hollywood actresses and confessional poets. From humble tombstones to grand chapels, Pere Lachaise is marvelled at for the quality of its sculpture above all else. Visit the graves of Sarah Bernhardt, Edith Piaf and Jim Morrison – whose memorial is under guard due to copious fan graffiti. If that wasn’t enough, Oscar Wilde’s tomb has been encased in glass because of stone erosion. It has literally been kissed too many times.

    5.  Musée Fragonard d’Alfort – 7 Avenue Gén de Gaulle, 94700 Maisons-Alfort, Paris
    Based in the suburbs of Paris, this museum is definitely worth a visit if you’re the type who enjoys crypts, cemeteries and secret toilets. Housed under its roof is a vast collection of anatomical oddities, from mutated animals to ‘the hall of curiosities.’ Although the website cares to reiterate that it is ‘not a gallery of monsters,’ some of the subjects protected behind the glass can cause the faint hearted to squirm. In essence, however, it’s a fantastic collection detailing the history of scientific research.

    7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

    6.  Les Frigos – 19 Rue des Frigos, 75013, Paris
    If you want to get off the beaten path in Paris and taste a bit of the arts, go to a warehouse called Les Frigos. Since the 1980s a huge number of artists have squatted in this large building on the banks of the Seine. Owned by SCNF, France’s railway, the building has become synonymous with art and rebellious spirit. After years of trying to expel its tenants, the mairie of Paris bought the building to insure that the artists could stay and create. You can check out the infamous warehouse for yourself during its open house – jazz music, artists expos, and dancing are all on tap.

    7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

    7.  Les Puces de Saint-Ouen (The Fleas) – Port de Montreuil, Paris
    Known as the Fleas, Les Puces dates back over two centuries, when rag-and-bone men scoured through the rubbish of Paris to sell on. They were called ‘crocheteurs’ or ‘pickers’. The enterprising traders set up a flea market with stalls in this area, and today it’s become one of Paris’ well-known flea markets. Take the métro to Porte de Clignancourt on Line 4 and follow the crowds towards the large concrete overpass. If you are looking for antiques, don’t waste too much time looking through the clothing, African objects and household goods on streets along the way. The market and neighborhood is very colourful and you will love the diversity of personalities, stall keepers and products for sale!

    7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Cambodia

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Cambodia

    When celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay visited Cambodia as part of his Great Escape series, he didn’t exactly showcase the best this incredible country has to offer. Amongst other things, he caught and ate spiders and went hunting for frogs to serve as a dish. While we leave the eating of anthropoids to Gordon, here are seven reasons why Cambodia holidays are the way forward.

    7 Reasons To Holiday In Cambodia

    1.  Cambodia Holidays Are Easy On The Wallet. A typical meal from a street vendor will cost you $2 or $3 and from there the price to quality ratio keeps climbing. For $20 you can enjoy three unforgettable courses at ethical restaurants like Romdeng in Phnom Penh (part of a great NGO network). How about a main of Fish Amok finished off with a desert of deep fried sugar-rice dumplings served with ice-cream – sound good?

    2.  Angkor Wat? Well, actually it is one of the world’s finest religious sites. Yes, this 12th century Khmer and Dravidian temple complex is famous the world over. UNESCO protected Angkor was ‘rediscovered’ by tourism after the last of the murderous regime of the Khmer Rouge left towards the end of the 1980s and into the 1990s. Since then it has wowed tourists from across the globe. It enjoyed a particular spike in popularity after Angelina Jolie bought the dream of geeks – Lady Lara Croft – to the big screen in 2001. Angkor is the perfect addition to your holiday.

    3.  The People. Despite years of turmoil, from the horrors of the American-Vietnam war through the 60s and 70s and then the abhorrent regime of the Khmer Rouge in the 70s and 80s, Cambodians have faced their challenges with one large and enduring smile. Cambodia is home to hundreds of distinct cultures and its people can be found in the bright (ish) cities of Phnom Penh and (only really famous for being so close to Angkor Wat) Siem Reap. It is however, in the countryside & small towns where you’ll meet the real people of Cambodia. Quieter towns like Battambang offer a more unique insight to Cambodia life and really add that ‘cultural’ dimension to your holiday. As with all destinations just wandering the streets or embarking on a traditional home-stay are great ways to meet the people.

    4.  Beaches. No holiday is complete without some time in the beach. Cambodia southern coast is truly unique. Ever been to Hawaii, Kuta or Spain and seen what a thousand sun-burned bodies look like? Well, not in Cambodia – you have access to hundreds of miles of unspoiled beaches that offer views like Thailand but with half the crowds. Cambodia’s southern coast has a smattering of resorts. Sokha Beach is the largest and most popular (especially with backpackers) but Kep and Kampot (3 hours from the capital, Phnom Penh) offer solid holiday accommodation and real tranquillity.

    5.  Access. Getting there is a doddle. Cambodia is well serviced by the busy regional hub airports of Bangkok and Singapore that deal with holidaymakers the world over. After a neon-lit night of fun in Bangkok or cocktail-based revelry in splendiferous Singapore hop aboard your regional connection to Phnom Penh or Siem Reap to begin you holiday of a lifetime.

    6.  Accommodation. From 5* hotels such as the Hotel De La Paix (a favourite for celebrities!) or Raffles in Siem Reap to cosy home-stays in rural Cambodia, you will not be left wanting.

    7.  Tonle Sap Lake. No, not like many ‘lakes’ tourists are sold; Tonle Sap is a real lake. Not only is it a ‘real’ lake, it is also colossal!! In fact, it is the largest fresh-water lake in South East Asia. For those that like factoids its year-round average size is 2,700 square km. A visit is a must.

    Author Bio: Kian has travelled extensively in Asia. His favourite destination in Cambodia is the town of Battambang and his favourite holiday experience is watching the sunrise over Angkor Wat away from the crowds.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Visit Turkey

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Visit Turkey

    Turkey is enjoying a growing reputation as a favourite tourist destination for people from all over the world. The brochure will tell you that this is because the resorts are first class, the beaches are clean and the cities are fun places to be. All true of course, but why else should you visit Turkey – reasons you will not see in the latest tour company brochure?

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Visit Turkey

    1.  Buy Some Cheap Tat. Do you have a few birthdays coming up that means you will have to fork out for expensive presents you just know the recipient will only moan about? If yes, head to Turkey. The markets there are huge and full to the brim with exotic presents such as flawless jewellery, the finest carpets and silks. Move swiftly pass these items, though, and pick up some genuinely appalling counterfeit t-shirts from ‘Nikey’ and ‘Addidass’ for about 75 pence each. No one will notice the difference. Probably.

    2.  Smoke A Few Years Off Your Life. Anyone else a bit fed up of the anti-smoking brigade? Even non-smokers sometimes agree that the restrictions placed on smokers are a bit harsh. But if you want to puff away where you want or in a place where it is actually encouraged, head to a Turkish shisha bar. These are a smoker’s paradise and a week spent in these bars should knock a few years off your life. What better way to stick it to the man?

    3.  Burn The Pastiness Away. It is not an exact science, but – on the whole – women love the sight of pasty skin, burnt to a crisp and starting to peel. In order to get this look, it is important to spend a good few weeks in the sun with scant respect for its power. With temperatures reaching the mid-thirties in costal resorts, Turkey Holidays are ideal for perfecting this look. You’ll get a nice, healthy, red glow if nothing else.

    4.  Kebab Heaven. When at home it can be difficult to find an excuse to buy a kebab. The greasy and fat heavy late-night snack is the ultimate accompaniment to beer and is scientifically proven to make you feel 100% better instantly. So where better to visit than the country that invented it? A trip to a kebab house is a genuine cultural experience. Not bad, eh?

    5.  Walk Around In A Fluffy White Robe. You may not be aware, but Turkish baths originated in Turkey. And, what do you think of when imagining public baths? Yes, that’s right. White fluffy robes. Now, you might not actually get a big robe to wear when you visit, but it is worth the trip just to see if you do or not. If you don’t, just chill and generally be a bit lazy.

    6.  Meet Up With Fellow Countrymen. The point of going abroad is to experience life as it is at home. Just in a warmer climate. If this is an approach you take to holidays, you’ll love Turkey. There are more British in Marmaris then there are in Manchester. So it is well worth flying thousands of miles to experience this phenomenon. After all, why integrate with the locals when you could have a beer with Pistol Pete from Bristol?

    7.  Buy A Fez. The Fez, made famous by Tommy Cooper and no one else, is an item of clothing worn on the head, commonly referred to as a hat. Wearing such a garment instantly makes you hilarious and is a truly unique piece of comedy that no one else has ever attempted to recreate when on cheap holidays abroad to Turkey. For added laughs and respect from your fellow travellers, wear the Fez at every opportunity. And that includes the flight home.

    These are just seven reasons to visit Turkey. But there are literally hundreds. If you can think of some more, let us know!

    Written by Ricky Durrance for Beat the Brochure.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit France For Business Travellers

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit France For Business Travellers

    France is a sophisticated, cultured country that is a must-visit place for any business traveller, especially the sophisticated sorts. Whether you’re passing through for a quick meeting or conference, or plan to spend a few days in Paris getting to know colleagues or attending a trade show, there are numerous reasons to select France for your business matters.

    7 Reasons To Visit France For Business Travellers

    1.  Creativity. France is well known for its innovation and invests heavily in creativity, which in turn inspires individuals. Let your imagine run wild as you talk strategy or chair a few Holiday Inn meetings France, enjoying the benefits of good living standards, highly educated workforce and supportive business venues – and of course the odd drop of red or fizz certainly doesn’t dent one’s creative juices. It’s no wonder that more than 20,000 international firms choose to have a base in France to boost their business.

    2.  Location. Glance at a map and you’ll spot that France is rather centrally situated in Europe, a hop, skip and jump away from other European nations and boasting good links to getting around. Train and motorway links are excellent, as are airports, letting you travel when and where you need to. Plus, there are ample places to stay and things to do within the country, meaning business travellers don’t need to look too hard to find a way to recover from the tedium of the long, drawn out meetings.

    3.  Variety. Regardless of whether èvènements d’entreprise, aka corporate events to the uninitiated, or leisure time are top of your list, France is such as diverse country that you can choose to arrange Holiday Inn meetings France in a bustling city or somewhere far more picturesque in the countryside. Ready for business, finding a venue in this country won’t be a challenge.

    4.  Long Lunches. The perfect combination of work and food is a given when you’re in France on business, with most firms insistent on taking lunch. And we don’t mean munching on a dry sandwich from the inadequate canteen, hunched over your desk, trying to catch up on today’s events or read the notes for your next meeting which you should have read and prepared for weeks ago, while you spill mayonnaise and dribble coffee on your keyboard as you’re in such a hurry to consume the grub. No sir, we mean tottering to a lovely little cafe or restaurant and settling in for a couple of hours – starter, main, dessert, coffee, cheese and, of course, lots of chatter about work and other important matters including which wine to order. Let the creativity flow!

    5.  Relaxed Pace. While you’ll need to dress the part, with a suit and smart attire, punctuality tends to be fairly relaxed in France. So take your time in the morning, let your croissant and tea settle before dashing to your first meeting, knowing that a fairly flexible approach is taken to such matters.

    6.  Time Off. Once your meetings are over and done with, you can relax and decide how best to spend your afternoon, evening or weekend. Depending on whether you’re doing business in Paris or attending èvènements d’entreprise (we’re not telling you twice) in some idyllic location in the south of France, there will be plenty to do. From fine dining to pavement cafes, museums and diverse galleries, jazz clubs, chateaus and breathtaking scenery, France is perfect for the business traveller with a bit of spare time on his hands.

    7.  Language. Now you have an excuse to learn a bit of French, to acquire the language of love – knowing the language, even if it is rudimentary, will stand you in good stead when you meet colleagues at corporate events or attend a conference. Furthermore, it’ll make sightseeing that bit easier if you know how to order “a glass of champagne”, “your finest cake” or arrange your travel details for your next meeting location in France.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Granny Will Always Prefer Offline Bingo

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Granny Will Always Prefer Offline Bingo

    We all love our Grannies, it brightens up our day by just seeing them: well, most of the time they do. It is kind of a stereotypical view to say that only old people play bingo, but this is a misconception with online bingo; however, offline bingo is defiantly more popular amongst the older generation. Below are seven reasons why your Granny can be found chilling at her local bingo hall.

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Granny Will Always Prefer Offline Bingo

    1.  Technology. The latest technology/gadgets and the older generation simply do not mix. Usually if your grandma has a mobile phone it will look like the following:

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Granny Will Always Prefer Offline Bingo

    As long as it makes and receives calls then that is all that is required. To play online bingo you will need not only an internet connect but a PC and knowing how to operate the PC and the online functionality of flash software. All of which is a pain unless you grew up with your eyeballs glued to a PC monitor.

    2.  Good Old Banter. Your Granny loves to talk…well, mine does. I can never shut her up, lol (bless her). What would be more fitting than a game that revolves around talking? Offline bingo is extremely social, so granny can chin wag to all her friends for a couple of hours. We tend to be at out lowest when we feel alone, a few hours of socialising is just what the doctor order to keep your grandma happy as Larry.

    3.  It Gets Her Out Of The House. As you get older you tend not to go out of the house as much, especially if your partner is no longer with you. Travelling to your local bingo club once a week is something you look forward to. Just logging on a computer in your home still makes you feel isolated.

    4.  It Makes Her Day. We all love to win, even if the price is nothing spectacular. Usually at bingo clubs the prizes are around the respectable £25 per house jackpot that are defiantly worth the 5p/25p a ticket. If she wins you grandchildren are the ones that usually benefit, so keep routing for her.

    5.  She Is Down With The Kids. Grannies are cool, end off. They love to do cool things and they love to be in with the trend. Millions of UK people and people from all around the world love to play offline and online bingo, the gambling sport is huge.

    6.  Not As It Once Was. As you get older your hearing and sight are not as good as they once were. This does not make it any better with a tiny monitor and speakers. At your local bingo club the bingo callers have voices that wish you had a remote control handy and the tickets are easy to see.

    7.  Using The Bus Pass. In the UK, when you get to a certain age you qualify for a free bus pass that entitles you to ride on bus for free (unsure if the US issue them). Visiting her local bingo hall gives her a reason to use her bus pass. Well, if it costs you nothing to get there…why not?

    Next time you ask your Grandma: “Grandma, why do you play bingo all the time, you never win?” Think to yourself, it is not always about the winning.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Bonnie Scotland

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Bonnie Scotland

    Today we welcome back to the 7 Reasons sofa a man who hasn’t plumped up our cushions for quite a while. He’s a man some of you will know as Dr Beat. He’s a man others will know as Percy Jennifer. He’s a man the rest of us know put the ‘best’ into Gillette. That’s right. Ladies and gentleman the waiting is finally over. Back to the sofa, please welcome, Dr Simon Best.

    7 Reasons To Holiday In Bonnie Scotland

    Simon says: It is fast approaching the most popular holidaying month of the year (here in England anyway). Yep, it’s nearly August. Currently there’s a fashion for the ‘staycation’, many people are bored of the Balearics and fed up of Faliraki. For them then, the answer is simple. Go to Scotland. Here are seven reasons you should holiday there, especially if you live in England.

    1.  It Is Further From France. By sheer accident of geography England is closer to France than Scotland. This is clearly a huge point in Scotland’s favour. Regular readers of 7 reasons will know that the usual occupants of the sofa are no fans of France. One prefers Belgium and the other would prefer an open sewer – however he lives close enough to France that if he fell asleep on the 7 reasons sofa after one too many biscuits and was pushed out to sea he could float there in time for tea, as could most of Kent. This is clearly a danger to be avoided. If you holiday in Scotland you will be further from France.

    2.  Climate. Now you might raise an eyebrow at this as Scotland is not famed for its glorious weather and high temperatures. When I visited recently I saw sun for about two hours in an entire week, but in when you go on holiday certainty is important. You also need to be efficient in your packing and not take anything you won’t need. The Scottish climate helps no end with this. You can be certain that you won’t need shorts and you will always need a coat or if you wait until September, two coats. It is also always too windy for an umbrella which is a very good thing.

    3.  Scenery. Scottish scenery is quite simply breathtaking. It has everything you could want in a landscape: coastline, lochs, mountains, rolling lowlands. It is home to some wonderful wildlife: deer, beavers, eagles, wolves, bagpipers, men in kilts. Even in cities beautiful countryside is close at hand – with Arthurs seat in Edinburgh, and Pollock Country Park in Glasgow.

    4.  Cuisine. Scotland has a reputation as the home of unhealthy food. Chips, deep fried Mars bars, deep fried pizza, deep fried haggis, etc. This, however, is unfair. Firstly they deserve points for culinary innovation. Anyone can do a Heston Blumenthal and make egg and bacon ice cream, but taking a chocolate bar and deciding to fry it coated in a substance commonly used for battering fish requires a rare mind. Secondly, Scotland is also home to some fine produce. Salmon, Loch Fyne oysters, the finest Italian ice cream I’ve tasted outside of Rome. Okay, so you may gain weight, but if you can’t indulge when on holiday then when can you.

    5.  Money. One of the best things about going abroad on holiday is foreign currency. Getting funny coloured banknotes with odd people on them. It’s a trip highlight in itself. Obviously it does bring with it difficulties. Trying to do conversions in your head and accidentally tipping €50 for example. If you head to Scotland though, you get all the different colours, the different people, the odd foreign symbols, but none of the mathematical problems. Scotland is genius.

    6.  Midges. Scotland is famed for its midges – especially the West coast where they take over in summer in their millions. They like damp, overcast days, so no wonder they like Scotland in the summer. Visit the West of Scotland in July and you can see a lifetimes worth of midges in under a minute. Midges are horrible, bloodthirsty little creatures – literally. So why am I presenting it as a positive? Well, the main way to protect yourself from getting bitten (aside from walking round inside a net) is to drink lots of whisky and eat lots of marmite. Perfect. If you ever needed an excuse to drink industrial quantities of whisky and eat vast amounts of marmite then holidaying in Scotland is it.

    7.  Culture. Ever since the Scottish enlightenment (yes, it really did happen and no, it didn’t involve Billy Conolly and Rab C Nesbit), Scottish culture has led the way in Britain. While England was home to the Teletubbies, Scotland gave us the infinitely superior Balamory. When England was producing the Spice Girls, Scotland produced Belle and Sebastian. Look around the world of television, cinema, comedy, music and you see lots of brilliant, talented Scots. And Frankie Boyle.

    Scotland also hosts the biggest cultural event anywhere in the United Kingdom: the Edinburgh Festivals (note the plural, there are seven of them). These are a showcase for authors, filmmakers, comedians and musicians. Okay, not all of the performers in Edinburgh are Scottish, but the diversity means that no matter where you’re on holiday from there will be something that reminds you of home. And Frankie Boyle.

  • 7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil

    7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil

    Today is National Cushion Day in Oman! No, not really. We just needed a hook to get you reading. A sly move we admit, but one that worked. Assuming you did your good deed for the day yesterday, you’ll no doubt be going to the shops later to buy a pet Kim Jong Il. Have you thought about where you are going to put him though? The reason we ask is that you may well seat him on a cushion. Today we want to warn against this practice. You see, cushions pose more danger that admitting you like croissants.
    7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil
    1.  Zip It. If you look at your cushions, you’ll probably notice that the cover is zipped on one side. This is so you can remove the cover and wash it. A practice we have to do every Sunday after our Saturday guest writer has thrown coke all over the 7 Reasons sofa. Putting the cover back on the cushion is where the danger begins. Zipping it up is never effortless. The zip always gets caught on a loose thread and causes minutes of straining and swearing. Then it suddenly gives way. It flies straight to the end, zipping everything in its path. Fingers, cat tails, lemons, penises*. Everything.

    2.  Vision Impaired. There is no doubt that a cushion cover can make a very good headdress when you are indulging in a little fancy dress. Or role-play. They are particularly useful if you want to be a cheap version of Robin Hood. The Maid Marian And Her Merry Men version, not the Russell Crowe version. The problem comes when it drops down over your eyes. Especially if you’re driving the mini-bus at the time. Bumping into things, like rivers, is quite common.

    3.  On Display. If the 7 Reasons sofa lacks anything, it’s display cushions. For a very good reason. What is the point in them? Are you supposed to move them? Are you allowed to move them? What will the owner say if you move them? If you do move them, where do you move them to? Are you even sure that is a display cushion? What’s the difference between that cushion and that cushion? Display cushions cause trauma.

    4.  Trip Hazard. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team can’t stand cushions. They’re always in the way. Preventing him from sitting down. They seem to multiply in number every day. As a result he places them neatly on the floor. Of course, then he goes flying when he’s taking the empty plates through to the kitchen. Which could explain the broken handle on the front of the oven.

    5.  Expense. It’s not just physical abuse a cushion will hand out, it’ll abuse your bank account too. When you redecorate the house, you need to buy new covers for the cushions. Which means you need to buy storage for the old cushion covers. And then you need to buy storage for the storage that’s storing the old cushion covers. And on it goes. And goes. And goes. Until you hear from your bank manager for the first time ever.

    6.  Illegal Entry. A cushion to a pillow is like a rugby league ball to a union ball. You might think they are interchangeable, but they are not. Particularly so when a pillow fight is taking place. Pillows are soft and their cases softer. Cushions are hard with pointy corners. Bringing a cushion in to a pillow fight, apart from being illegal, could very easily result in eye pokage. Naughty.

    7.  Suck Up. Most of the guest writers who spread themselves across the 7 Reasons sofa do so with the elegance and grace that you would expect. Some, however, see the sofa as a piece of apparatus.  Which is why they leapfrog over the back, cartwheel over the armrests and generally treat it as a bouncy castle. It is lucky the 7 Reasons cushions are not decorated with beads or sequins. If so, a few of our guest writers may well have ended up in hospital with a button shoved up their backside. Not pleasant. And a reminder to all that cushions are evil. Even more so than dolphins.

    *Why Marc was washing the 7 Reasons sofa cushions in the buff is something we have never discussed.

  • 7 Reasons My Italian Self-Teaching May Get Me Into Trouble

    7 Reasons My Italian Self-Teaching May Get Me Into Trouble

    Hello. I’m on a plane. At least I am if you are reading this at 9am on Monday morning. If you are reading it at 9pm on Monday evening then I bloody well hope I’m not on a plane and if you are reading it in June 2014, well, I couldn’t really care less. I’m assuming, as I write, that it is 9am on Monday morning and I am currently on a plane that is destined for Italy. Yes, I’m going on holiday. I thought you’d be pleased. Over the last week, I have done a little language based learning. And, in what is quite a coincidence, I have been learning Italian. Unfortunately, I am not the best when it comes to languages. Partly because I always sound a bit Indian when speaking with another tongue and partly because I just can’t be bothered with it. Which, I admit, is an abysmal attitude to have, but I will gladly take any applause you are prepared to give me for honesty. As a result of these two factors, the Italians might be in for something of a shock. Here’s why:

    7 Reasons My Italian Self-Teaching May Get Me Into Trouble

    1.  Accents. My Italian accent isn’t very good. Unless you like Italian accents that sound Indian. I imagine the Italians don’t.

    2.  What A Mistaka To Maka. I can’t help it. Without a teacher I revert to learning my Italian from Allo! Allo! clips on YouTube. I keep adding the letter ‘a’ onto anything I say. Oh, and I’m speaking English.

    3.  Roma! Lazio! The only words I can pronounce with any confidence are the names of football clubs or, indeed, names of footballers. I may get away with randomly shouting ‘Cannavaro!’ and ‘Del Piero!’ but I imagine I would not with ‘Totti!’. And, talking about football, Italy are playing Serbia tomorrow night. Along with many people in the 1990s, I watched Football Italia on Channel 4. And, along with many people, I always assumed the phrase uttered at the end of the opening credits – ‘Golaccio!’ – meant…

    4.  ‘Goal Lazio!!’. That’s what it sounded like after all. You can see it here if you need reminding/have no idea what I’m going on about. Now ‘Golaccio’ may seem like a sensible thing to say if Lazio’s Sergio Floccari finds the back of the net for his national side. But it wouldn’t be. For the simple reason that the word is actually ‘Golazo’. And it’s Spanish. And despite finding this out, I know it’s not going to make any bloody difference. I am still going to shout ‘Golazo!’ if Italy score. Or Spain. Or Serbia. Or England. Because that’s me. And no one would have me any other way.

    5.  French. The only language I have ever learnt – apart from English and Latin obviously – is French. And, despite years of trying to forget such nonsense, I still seem to remember a fair bit of it. And the reason I know this is because unwelcome words keeps slipping into my otherwise expertly recited Italian phrases, ‘Buon giorno. Parla inglese, s’il vous plaît?’. If someone started asking me a question in English and then slipped in something about frogs-legs, I’d be furious. I would expect the Italians to be similar.

    6.  Hands. Whether it’s a myth or not, Italian’s are famous for their hand gestures. So I’ve been practising mine too. So far, I have the ‘bang on desk’, the ‘I’ve got the whole world in my hands’ and the ‘bunny shadow’ gestures in my repetoire. And they make very little sense with my Italian/French/Indian speil.

    7.  Pizza. I spent much of my time in the week before Rome, practising the pronunciation of pizza names using a Pizza Express menu. As a result I am unlikely to be able to eat anything other than pizza for the whole week. While this is not a problem in itself, the fact that I can only pronounce Margherita with any confidence, could be.

  • 7 Reasons Blue Peter 2010 Let Me Down

    7 Reasons Blue Peter 2010 Let Me Down

    Hello, it’s me again. I’m still reliving my youth. I am sure it won’t come as much surprise to you, but instead of Grange Hill and Byker Grove, my childhood programme of choice was Blue Peter. Yesterday, I decided to watch it for the first time in twenty years.* I wish I hadn’t. What has happened to it?

    7 Reasons Blue Peter 2010 Let Me Down
    Blue Peter Presenters: Joel (muppet), Andy (made to look a muppet) & Helen (female muppet)

    1.  The Opening Credits. What the bloody hell has happened to the Blue Peter theme? It sounds like the 1988 version has been put through a blender, drowned in the bath, driven over by a monster truck and spent a night in Jo Brand’s bed. Something like that. It isn’t good anyway.

    2.  The Presenters. I grew up with Caron Keating, Mark Curry and Yvette Fielding. Yesterday, I grew old with Helen, Andy and Joel. Muppets. All three of them. I remember Caron, Mark and Yvette being informative. The only thing Helen, Andy and Joel informed me was that they were idiots and that once upon a time some git had told them they were funny**.

    3.  Pronunciation. Within five minutes, Helen, has already baffled me with unfathomable English. “No rords with cors,” she said. If she hadn’t been reporting about a recent trip to Venice I will no doubt have been wondering why she felt it necessary to tell us that cows do not roar. As for telling me that there are no cars in Venice due to the lack of roads, yes, thanks for that.

    4.  Pets. In the good old days, a holiday for the tortoise was being put in a box with a load of straw and placed on a very high shelf. These days though, apparently she goes off to India, Paris and Egypt to get away from it all. Photoshop has a lot to answer for. I suspect when the tortoise finally snuffs it, instead of having Yvette solemnly breaking the news to us, Joel will try and convince us that he has gone on a round-the-world trip. The tortoise I mean, not Joel. Though that would be preferable.

    5.  Practical Demonstrations. What a shame that Helen has never heard of a ruler, that way she may have been able to demonstrate how high a three metre diving board is. Instead, she decided to use a balloon on a string. Outside. Where there’s quite a lot of wind. “Imagine if it was straight up,” she says, desperately trying to get the balloon above a 45 degree angle. Yes, Helen, I could have done that without the poxy balloons. Next time, why not just show us a picture of a diving board?

    6.  Vogue Bambini. Helen is in Milan. Which, while good news for us, isn’t good for the children of Italy. Especially as she has just encouraged everyone to pick up a copy of Vogue Bambini to look for the supermodels of the future. This I wouldn’t be so alarmed about, if Vogue Bambini wasn’t devoted to fashion for very young children. Unfortunately, it gets worse. Helen, Andy and Joel are going to photograph children. And, under the instruction of Vogue Bambini editor, Giuliana Parabiago, they have to be funny with the children. Joel’s face lights up. I don’t think I can bear to watch. Where are you Mark Curry?!

    7.  Joel. Yes, I know I have already talked about the presenters, but this clown needs a reason all to himself. Apart from annoying me with his unnecessarily silly antics throughout the show, he is now interviewing an eleven year-old male model. “I always thought modeling would be well hard.” No you didn’t Joel. You thought, ‘Modeling could be difficult at times’. “Come on Andy! Bring it like your mama gave it!” I despair. I really despair.

    *Alright, fifteen.

    **I have decided that Andy is actually quite good. He has just been brought down to the Joel/Helen level. My advice would be to get out before it’s too late.

  • 7 Reasons Australians Shouldn’t Make Television

    7 Reasons Australians Shouldn’t Make Television

    7 Reasons sofa with Australian Television and flag

     

    1.  The Weather. It must be quite easy to present the weather in Australia, it’s always “nice” there, so you probably don’t have to be too bright to do it.  That would explain this weatherman being outwitted by a pelican then.

    2.  Wipeout Australia. In Britain, we have Total Wipeout, a programme in which pudgy, potato-faced middle-managers from Droitwich lumber around a ridiculous assault course.  Wipeout Australia uses the same course, except everything is harder and the machines go at about five times the speed.  The people they send around don’t seem any leaner or sportier though, that wouldn’t be any fun.

    3.  Skippy. In Britain in the ’60s, men whistled at attractive young women in mini-skirts.  In Australia in the ’60s, they whistled at kangaroos.  Still, they seem quite happy.

    4.  Advert. Halfway through, so it’s time for a break.  Would you like one of these?  It’s undetectable, you know.

    5.  Soaps.  The bush, mushrooms, a mysterious pig, a flaming hand – it has to be a soap opera.  Obvious, really.

    6.  Marriage.  This sort of thing never happened on Richard and Judy.

    7.  The dream.  Okay, you knew it had to turn up somewhere didn’t you?  That classic Neighbours dream sequence which came out of left-field and astonished the audience.  No, not that one, this one.  The accents are spot on, by the way.

    Okay, it’s time for an admission.  I was wrong.  All of this stuff is awful, yet somehow brilliant.  I’ve had so much fun putting this post together that I’ve become convinced that Australians should make more television – perhaps even all of it.  As long as I don’t have to watch Paul Hogan again I’d be quite happy.    I might even buy a hairpiece.