Tag: seven reasons

7 Reasons Bull Durham Is The Greatest Baseball Movie Ever

1. Women. Unusually for baseball films, the central character is a woman. This shouldn’t be unusual – some of the most passionate and knowledgeable sport fans I know are women – but it is. The use of a female narrator and the fact that the baseball isn’t the only story in the movie – the journey that Susan Sarandon’s character goes on isn’t really about baseball at all – gives it a totally different perspective to other baseball films, making it far more rounded and realistic. It’s about baseball, but it’s also a romantic comedy. Would my wife sit through The Pride of the Yankees or Eight Men Out with me? No. Would I watch Sleepless In Seattle or You’ve Got Mail with her? No. Would we watch Bull Durham together? Well… no – but only because she’s out shopping at the moment.

2. Realism. Despite not being entirely about baseball, Bull Durham has some of the most realistic and interesting scenes of match-play in films. This shouldn’t be a surprise, since the director spent five years playing in the Minor Leagues. The tight, close-up shots of Davies batting and Laloosh pitching – with their thoughts providing the voiceover – are far more intimate than anything usually seen during matches in baseball movies. The rest of the off-field baseball activity is also imbued with a down-to-earth realism. We learn that you should never punch a man with your pitching hand, and that you’ll never make it to the Major Leagues with fungus on your shower shoes – which is obviously where I went wrong.

3. Tim Robbins. Tim Robbins is in Bull Durham. Tim Robbins is funny looking. Tim Robbins is weird. Tim Robbins is distracting. Tim Robbins ruins most of the films he is in for those reasons. To withstand the casting of Tim Robbins, a film has to be very, very good. High Fidelity, for example, managed to overcome a hugely distracting appearance by him. In Bull Durham he is still quite distracting (and weird), but he’s good. It’s a measured performance in which the growth of his character is completely convincing and very well performed. If your film is good enough to withstand the presence of Tim Robbins, it’s a very good film. If your film can withstand – and be enhanced – by his presence, it must be a great film. He’s still weird though. And funny looking.

4. Sex. You don’t often find sex in baseball films. This is a shame. I like sex; I like baseball (and we don’t have much of either in England). Baseball movies are full of men being men, involved in manly pursuits like sport or drinking beer or more sport. In Bull Durham though, with strong female characters and a female narrator, there is room for more than just baseball. This is great, as the film’s other preoccupation is sex. Not gratuitous, graphic sex, mark you – it’s quite understated. It’s just that the film has sex, romance and mortality as central themes in addition to the baseball, making it far more rounded and interesting that the usual baseball movie fare. I could have done without seeing Tim Robbins in a suspender belt though. That’s something that should be hidden away on the internet.

5. Comedy. Bull Durham is well written, performed and works brilliantly as a whimsical drama based around small-town Minor League baseball. It would stand alone as a good, solid drama. But it doesn’t stop there. This charming film is also full of some wonderfully observed and pithy lines. When worldly Crash Davis discovers the inexperienced Nuke LaLoosh wearing the aforementioned suspender belt in the locker room he calmly walks up to him, adjusts it and tells him, “The rose goes on the front, big guy”.

6. Making poetry interesting. I hate Walt Whitman. Some of my hatred for Mr Whitman stems from three years of being forced to endure his wearisome prose at University. I found him dull in the first place, and my opinion was not helped by having him read to me in lectures or having to read him myself at home. Bull Durham shows us how to study Walt Whitman: tied up in Susan Sarandon’s bed*. I’d have happily spent three years doing that.

7. Kevin Costner. I’ve never really understood the enormous appeal Kevin Costner had in the ‘80s and ‘90s. I always found him a bit dull. In Bull Durham he plays Crash Davis, an experienced and underrated Minor League catcher coming to the end of his career. He seems to be playing Don Johnson playing Sonny Crockett playing Crash Davis, but it works very well. When he’s not playing ‘ball he’s all moody introspection and Bourbon-swilling charm. Sadly, he does not live on a boat with an alligator.

*Susan Sarandon has not replaced Jennifer Aniston in the affections of this website. We imagine them in complementary roles.

February 4, 2010
7 Reasons January’s Premier League Transfer Window Was a Major Disappointment

The January transfer window closed yesterday after a month of fevered speculation and very little in the way of big deals. Here are 7 Reasons that it was a major disappointment.

1. Where’s Waldo? Despite strong rumours in December, Chilean defender Waldo Ponce was not signed by Wigan in the January transfer window. I can’t begin to express how disappointing this was. I wasn’t even consoled by their signing of Moses. Waldo Ponce…Waldo Ponce! It would have been amazing.

2. Loan moves. It seems that most of the transfers in this January’s window have been loan moves. That’s not surprising given the current financial state of many of many Premier League clubs, but the redistribution of players who are not deemed good enough to make it into the the first teams at their own clubs to other clubs is hardly exciting. Also, Robinho left the Premier League on a loan deal, and he was really entertaining me. Well, off the pitch, anyway.

Ruud van Nistelrooy visits the set of a popular American television show.

3. Ruud van Nistelrooy. A genuine world-class striker, he was linked with just about every major Premier League club this January and hasn’t gone to any of them. He’s gone to Hamburg where, if he can steer clear of hoof injuries, he should do rather well. Or if you believe Wikipedia, he’s signed for Gateshead many years into the future.

4. Harry. The ever-prolific Harry Redknapp has been disappointing during this transfer window – he’s only brought a couple of players in and sent a couple out on loan. Not only has he been unusually inactive this January, he’s also been below par when dealing with the media. This is how he announced the signing of Eider Gudjohnsen: “It was his decision to come to us. He said ‘I want to come to Tottenham’.” Sadly, I could find no Youtube footage of this revealing press conference.

5. Campbell. With the arrival of Thomas Vermaelen in the summer Arsenal seemed to have completed their defensive line-up. And, to most people, it appeared that all they needed to revitalise their team in January was a big, prolific striker and an aggressive defensive midfielder. So they re-signed lumbering war-horse, Sol Campbell. Opinion is divided over whether Sol will be a good signing for them. The argument from most of those in favour of the move seems to be that he was a great player once, so he’ll be fine, despite lacking the pace that most people believe is necessary to play in the Premier League. I just hope that he can still do this.

6. Manchester United. Behind Chelsea in the title race, it was supposed that Fergie would want to improve his squad in January. The most exciting transfer news from Old Trafford last month was Danny Wellbeck going out on loan to Preston North End. Do you remember where you were when you heard that? No, me either.

7. Final Day. The activity on the final day of the transfer window is usually frenetic and exciting. The biggest announcement on the final day of this window was that Robbie Keane had gone to Celtic on loan. That’s right, a talented and exciting player is leaving the Premier League – for a bit. That pretty much summed up this January transfer window. A loan move that does nothing to enrich the quality of the Premier League and not a lot else. It’s lucky we had John Terry to distract us.

February 2, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Remainder of the Reason

We have quite a strict format for our posts at 7 Reasons. We post every day and hope that people will read us every day; we appreciate that people come to spend their time with us so we try to respect it and not take up too much of it. This is why we try to write our 7 reasons concisely.

Sometimes though, this necessary brevity comes into conflict with the writing process. Once in a while you have an idea and become carried away with it; you start writing and words flow ceaselessly and effortlessly until, having typed for a good while without really being aware of doing so, you snap back to reality and discover you’ve written more words than you can possibly use.

This was the case last Tuesday. I wrote about aliens and why we shouldn’t contact them, I went on to suggest that they might conquer Earth and install Richard Bacon as their puppet-leader. That’s where that particular train of thought ended in 7 Reasons We Shouldn’t Try To Contact Aliens. That was a result of heavy editing though. Here, on Russian Roulette Sunday is…(Do the deep movie trailer voice again, you know you want to)

The Remainder of the Reason.

…The aliens might not want a global puppet-leader though. They might understand that Earth’s history abounds with internecine squabbling and conflict. The aliens might, therefore, want to install puppet-rulers on a nation-by-nation basis. If that is to be the case then the 7 Reasons team would like to respectfully suggest to our new alien-overlords that they appoint us as Britain’s puppet-leaders. We feel that we have a good understanding of British culture and history. We also have the necessary backgrounds and media skills to spin the decrees of our extraterrestrial controllers to the British people.

We feel certain that the aliens will accept our generous and selfless offer so, people of Britain, here’s how we will set about things.

Essentially, we imagine that under our government, the British way of life will remain substantially unaltered. You, our subjects, may begin to notice some minor changes under our rule though. All motorways will now have a ginger-only lane, for example. There will be a minimum height requirement for consumption of tiramisu. Cricket will be compulsory in all British schools, as will spelling.

We will also be introducing stricter dress codes. Not only will shopping in nightwear be punishable by death, but so will the wearing of sportswear by people not competing in the pertinent sport at the time of wearing. The tucking of trousers into socks will be punishable by transportation to Rhyl, as will wearing the wrong coloured top hat at Ascot, gold hoop-earrings, shoes that look like Cornish pasties, jeans so tight that your back oozes over the waistband and wearing jeans and a skirt at the same time, because that looks ridiculous and is, frankly, baffling.

In television, all so-called “reality-shows” will be banned, except for The Restaurant and The Office. This will leave ITV substantially empty and the gap in its schedule will be filled with Channel Four’s current output. Channel Four will revert to its schedule of pre-Big Brother days, which seemed to be targeted exclusively at pipe-smoking war buffs, because we like programmes about the war, they’re bloody lovely. Jon will be launching a new channel called Jolly Interesting Telly, the running of which will keep him occupied while Marc deals with weightier affairs of state and concocts nefarious and elaborate schemes to grasp the balance of power.

It is not just in cultural areas of life that you will notice a difference. We are already negotiating a series of international trade agreements which will benefit our nation. The country of Greece has an abundant supply of olives, whereas Britain does not. We have observed that their diet is lacking in soup, which we have copious amounts of. We will be shipping our soup-surplus to Greece in exchange for olives, a move which will enrich the dietary variety of both nations. We will also be exchanging the nation’s apple crop for Burgundy’s output of Pinot Noir and we’ll nationalise Cadbury’s and exchange their entire output for sushi, which is healthier and, frankly, nicer. We will also be exchanging just about anything we can get our hands on for tea…lots of tea. All of the tea.

We have also been doing some preparatory work in the field of international diplomacy. We’re still not happy about the outcome of the Cod War – we thought the Reykjavik Parliament behaved reprehensibly over that and we also don’t believe that the British victims of the Icelandic banking crisis were adequately reimbursed. Because of this – and also because Jon typed the declaration – we will be going to war with Ireland.

We don’t expect that our leadership will be universally popular. The installation of Queen Jennifer the 1^st in my spare room may cause some domestic upheaval, for example. We don’t imagine that the law requiring all public buildings to display a portrait of Jon will be to everyone’s satisfaction either. We will, however, try to rule fairly, even-handedly, openly and sympathetically. And if you don’t like it we’ll shoot you with our death-ray. Your leaders,

Marc and Jon.

January 31, 2010
7 Reasons We Shouldn’t Try To Contact Aliens

This year is the fiftieth anniversary of SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). For half a century mankind has been broadcasting into space, trying to contact extraterrestrial life forms. Is it really a good idea to get in touch with aliens though? Here are seven reasons that we shouldn’t.

1. Size. Jimi Hendrix once said that he believed that aliens could be enormous, and that we would be like ants to them. As he put it, “You wouldn’t go miles out of your way to step on an ant-hill”. What if our communications are annoying them though? You wouldn’t go miles to tread on ants, but you might cross the living room to swat a buzzing fly.

2. Evolution. What if the aliens have evolved differently to us? What if they’ve evolved from insects or snakes? What if they have feelers on top of their bulbous heads? What if they’re descended from ear-wax? We’d find them repellent, that’s what. What if they came to visit us and they turned out to be 15 feet high spiders? Half of the world’s population would scream “Kill it! Kill it!” and the other half would take one look at them and think “Not bloody likely”. Do we even have a giant shoe?

3. Disease. Aliens are…well, alien. Humans would have no immunity to any diseases or infections that they would bring, and they would have none to ours. We won’t be able to cope with Venusian Flu of the eye and they won’t be able to cope with Herpes of the tentacle. Meeting aliens would be a bad idea for all concerned.

4. Dullness. What if the aliens are uncharismatic? Really boring? Catatonically, mind-numbingly, vapidly, monotonously Daily Mail dull? Do we really want to have an unimaginative dialogue with dreary spacemen? What if they’re like Vogons?

5. Defeat. What if the aliens are more powerful and more advanced than us? We can’t know that they’re not war-like and intent on universal domination. By trying to contact the aliens we could be guaranteeing ourselves a new world order. We could only hope that our new alien masters would be benevolent. Perhaps they’d be a bit subtler than going for out-and-out enslavement, preferring to conquer and rule us – they might even settle for a puppet-government. To head this, they would need to find someone innocuous and popular, with a good grasp of modern communication, whose covetousness and vanity would leave him open to their manipulation. Our new alien-overlords would probably install Richard Bacon as Earth’s puppet-leader. No one wants that – even him.

6. Beggars. Why would aliens want anything to do with us anyway? If they’re in any way more advanced than us we’d drive them round the bend. Whether It’s pestering them for technology to save our ailing planet, pestering them for accommodation when we realise that we can’t or pestering them to take David Gest back, we’ll be, at best, a nuisance, and at worst, a burden. We’re like the annoying neighbour that you try to avoid by pretending to be out. The aliens – if they have any sense – are hiding from us.

7. Madness. What if there are no aliens? Then the whole SETI programme will have been in vain. If there are no aliens out there then essentially we’re talking to ourselves. I’ve seen people that do that out on the street. They look a bit foolish and they say the silliest things – often about spacemen, ironically.

********************UPDATE********************

Since we wrote this article, Stephen Hawking has come out and stated his opinion on this subject. He agrees with us. We don’t know if he read this piece first or eventually – after considering these issues for a good while longer than we did – came to a similar conclusion by himself. We like to think that it’s the former.

January 29, 2010
7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

1. Eating. Eating would be better with an extra hand. Young love-struck couples would be able to eat properly and hold hands at the same time. More established couples would be able to eat properly and repel the advances of their chip-stealing spouse at the same time. Old couples would be able to eat properly and take their pills at the same time. Single people would be able to use all of the cutlery at once.

2. Driving. Driving would be safer if we all had an extra hand. The sort of idiots who use their phone or apply make-up while driving would now be able to do it with their extra hand. Obviously there will be people who would now believe that they can drive with one hand while applying make-up with the second and using their phone with the third. Don’t fret too much about this though. You will be able to use your extra hand to take down their registration number or to gesticulate at them. I shall be using my extra hand to thump my nemesis – the sat-nav. Jennifer Aniston will use her extra hand to touch her hair while driving, while Michael Buble will use his to point.

3. Jugglers. If we all had an extra hand then those smug gits, jugglers, would look silly with their antiquated and inefficient action and the rest of us could taunt them by languidly tossing three things about at once. Hopefully this would cause them to realise they are pointless idiots.

4. Sex. As an Englishman I can’t write about sex without resorting to euphemism. Suffice it to say that with two extra hands couples could simultaneously mash the creamy anvil, startle the somnambulant vicar and unfetter the slobbery lobster. The new tri-sexuality is going to be great!

5. Economy. If we had a third hand the global recession would end*. The clothing industry would be revitalised by having to manufacture extra sleeves and gloves as would agriculture, as we would need a third more sheep, silk and cotton. There would be a boom in making your own clothes as knitting would become much easier and quicker, thus optimising the efficiency of your grandma. It would also require the manufacture of 33.3% more knitting needles. The decimal system would also be replaced as we would find it simpler to calculate things in fifteens. The new quindecimal system would require the manufacture of lots of new signs and equipment. All of this extra manufacturing would cause a global economic boom. The quindecimal system would also cause 7 Reasons to become 10.5 Reasons, which would make two grown men cry.

6. Italians. Italians gesticulate a lot while they talk and are effortlessly cool. With an extra hand they will be able to gesticulate, smoke, drink, look cool, ride a Vespa and eat an ice cream at the same time. They do that now, of course, they’ll just be better at it.

7. Jewellery. With an extra hand, women will be able to wear more rings and bracelets. This will cause them to buy a lot more of them too, leading to an increase in the number of “white lies” told to husbands. Men will wear a second watch with built-in functions other than time-telling: A small television, a compass, a torch, a screwdriver and an extinguisher for their wife’s pants will all be common features.

*Strangely, there is a total lack of research or data available to support this claim.

January 27, 2010
7 Reasons to Keep the Traditional Police Helmet

1. Pregnancy. In the U.K., a pregnant woman can legally urinate wherever she likes. She can even, if she requests to, urinate in a policeman’s helmet. I’m not sure that it’s a practical receptacle for urine – the ventilation holes in the side would prove a particular problem – but it’s surely a desirable thing to pee in. Who among us wouldn’t want to have a go at that?

2. Theft. Stealing a traditional policeman’s helmet is a part of British popular culture. P.G.Woodhouse’s most famous creation, Bertie Wooster, was fined £5 for stealing a policeman’s helmet on Boat Race night. It’s not just a sport for fictional toffs though. Drunkenly trying to steal a policeman’s helmet is a pastime which is practiced by all classes. The correct method for removing one is to knock it forward from behind, thus obviating the efficacy of the chin-strap, before running very quickly (we imagine).

3. Height. The traditional police helmet is hard and is approximately 30cm tall. In theory, it could be used by a policeman to stand on to look over a wall or through a high window. I don’t know what they’d see, but it could be important.

4. Food. The traditional police helmet is sometimes used by policemen to store their fish and chips. It keeps them warm until they arrive back at the station for their break, and stops them from seeming as lardy and food-obsessed as their American counterparts. The vinegary scent which emanates from within the helmet often confuses passers-by.

5. Visibility. It is important that the police are a visible presence on the streets to enforce law and order. This is why they wear those retina-burningly bright high-visibility jackets. You can’t see those on a crowded street though as they, and their wearers, are obscured by the throng. You can, however, see the traditional police helmet as it protrudes from the body of a crowd. You can see it as a reassuring beacon radiating order, or you can imagine it as a shark’s fin portending danger – humming the Jaws theme is optional. The one thing you can’t do is miss it.

6. Protection. Unlike the more modern police cap, the traditional police helmet is hard and will actually protect a policeman from a blow to the head which, as they deal with the sort of people that might possibly hit them over the head – criminals and the like – would seem to be a desirable feature. It also protects bald policemen from the effects of the sun, and from the taunts of teenage boys, for whom baldness is more amusing than almost anything.

7. Tradition. Not all traditions are good. Throwing goats from church towers or having to pull crackers while your Christmas dinner goes cold are particularly pointless and cruel traditions. The traditional policeman’s helmet, however, is an example of a good tradition. The traditional police helmet is redolent of Dixon of Dock Green, of Bobbies on the beat, of the nice copper who gave you boiled sweets and reunited you with your parents when you were six years old and lost in Coventry city centre. It brings to mind the avuncular face of policing. Traditionally, the sort of chap that you would ask for directions or the time wore a police helmet. Would you ask a copper in a modern police cap the way to the train station? You’d probably think twice. He might pepper-spray you and give you an ASBO or a fixed-penalty-notice for wasting police time or loitering. A modern police cap signifies that its wearer is a policeman or woman; a traditional police helmet bestows upon its wearer the dignity and gravitas of a fine and noble institution.

January 25, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons The United States of America is Better Than Great Britain

Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by Simon Best who, when he isn’t committing treason or thinking about trains, is a Youth Worker. Simon’s fantastic tweets can be found here. They are as fine a guide to tasteful living as you will find anywhere.

1. The Weather. In Britain we love talking about the weather but, frankly, the British weather is pathetic, insipid and dull. For 5/6 of the year the weather in Britain is predominantly cloudy; In America they get real weather – winters with feet of snow, scorching hot summers and spectacular fall colours. They might not make a great fuss about it but America actually has proper seasons rather than shades of grey with slight temperature variations.

2. Television. Yes, we have the BBC, and American TV is frequently accused of dumbing-down and being full of cynical product placement; It is also true that the Jerry Springer Show originated in America, but while they have given Britain television masterpieces like the Sopranos, the Wire and Sesame Street, we have given them Wife Swap and Simon Cowell. On behalf of the nation I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all Americans for this affront to your dignity.

3. Roads. As America is the nation of the automobile this might not be a surprising inclusion, but I’m not talking about the quality of the tarmac. Roads and road trips are part of American life. From Kerouac to Chuck Berry, from travelling salesmen to wandering preachers, American roads have enriched western culture; Britain has contributed Chris Rea singing about the M25. It is also impossible to imagine anyone getting excited about a road trip from Plymouth to Inverness, driving the same distance as a journey from Chicago to Memphis – a journey anyone would rather make. In America you can drive for hours and only see four guys with shotguns in a Ford pickup; you’re likely to spend most of any UK road trip stuck behind a caravan driven by someone called Maurice who wears string-backed driving gloves. Drive from Land’s End to John o’Groats and that East17 album your ex put on your iPod is bound to repeat at least 3 times. You can drive across the USA 25 times without that happening.*

4. Music. America is often derided for the schmaltz of Country and Western and the aggression of rap, but it has produced many of the finest musicians ever: The Beach Boys, Elvis, Buddy Holly, Miles Davis, Rock and Roll, Pop, Blues and Jazz were all born in America. America has given the world its record collection. Britain gave America Acker Bilk and Leo Sayer (who both amazingly reached number 1 in the Billboard top 100). Obviously we gave you The Beatles and The ‘Stones too, but they were just copying black American music.

5. Pancakes. American pancakes are, plainly and simply, superior to British pancakes; Thick, fluffy and the size of a plate, they’re delicious with maple syrup. No wonder they eat them all year round. Here in Britain we have our pathetic thin and flimsy efforts once a year – with a lemon.

6. Sporting Spectacular . Americans know how to do sporting spectaculars. The Super Bowl is the American Football equivalent of the FA Cup Final, yet as an event it is more comparable to the Last Night of the Proms and the Lord Mayor’s Show with the viewing figures of a royal wedding. Bruce Springsteen, Michael Jackson, Prince and U2 have played the Superbowl half-time; Wembley gets the marching band of the Coldstream Guards and some majorettes. The opening ceremony for the Los Angeles Olympics featured a man arriving on a jet-pack, the best Britain has achieved was the opening ceremony for the 1999 Cricket World Cup when the fireworks failed to go off, Tony Blair’s microphone fused in the rain and Prince Philip spoke. It’s a good thing that China doesn’t play cricket. There is a serious risk that when London 2012 starts, the Olympic torch will be carried into the stadium by Boris Johnson on his bike.

7. Monuments & Memorials . There’s really no contest here. The United States has the Washington Monument, Mount Rushmore and a 500 foot high statue of Crazy Horse that is being carved out of a mountain in South Dakota. Britain has Nelson’s column and what else? The Diana Memorial was a shambolic failure that had to close because people kept slipping in the water, in fact, Britain is so bad at building monuments that for much of the past summer we put living people on a plinth in Trafalgar Square; America would have taken this opportunity to commemorate a former President, a Civil War General or a Baseball star. America doesn’t just stop at statues, pretty much everything is a memorial to someone noteworthy: bridges, schools, highways, parks, buildings. Can you imagine Mansfield opening the Richard Bacon Memorial Roundabout or Norwich naming a new underpass after Stephen Fry? No, of course not. In America these fitting tributes would be a stone cold certainty.

*Unsubstantiated. To be tested during the US iPod Challenge, starts October 1st, 2011. Follow them on Twitter.

January 23, 2010
7 Reasons That We Should Run Manchester City

We, the 7 Reasons team, have decided that we should branch out a bit and take on a new challenge. We have no allegiances with Manchester City, but we have some great ideas on how we could improve the running of the club. Here are 7 Reasons that we should run Manchester City.

1. Wisdom. It is oft said that two heads are better than one. There are two of us, and we have one head each. That’s two heads. Roberto Mancini only has one head. Okay, so his is full of football knowledge and experience while our heads are full of words and Jennifer Aniston, but the two heads will make us a better manager than Mancini, conventional wisdom says so. It is also said that many hands make light work. We have twice as many of those as Mancini, so we should be able to make a substantial saving on the electricity bill too.

2. Bellamy. Craig Bellamy is a brilliant footballer and is in the form of his life at the moment. We’re only too aware, however, that he has, in the past, been an unsettling influence in many of the dressing-rooms that he has been in. We want Craig Bellamy in our team, but we don’t necessarily want him in our squad. We will construct a separate dressing-room for Craig Bellamy and hold solo training sessions for him. This way he can continue to play for us on the pitch, but won’t disrupt our squad. We did love it when he was annoying Alan Shearer at Newcastle though. Annoying Alan Shearer should be a sport in its own right.

3. Bell End. No, not Craig Bellamy again. Colin Bell. When the City of Manchester stadium was taken over by Manchester City, their supporters voted overwhelmingly to name an end of the stadium after their hero Colin Bell. The club, after much procrastination, overruled this decision and eventually named the West Stand after him instead. We would reverse their decision and name the North Stand after him, thus creating the Colin Bell End. The West Stand would become The Hat Stand, The East Stand would become The Last Stand and the South Stand would become The South End, as it’s where Manchester United supporters live. We would also reconstruct the car park, with a new lower level parking bay spanned by The Wayne Bridge, which will be vastly expensive and a bit wobbly.

4. Cars. We don’t know why Stephen Ireland does this to cars, but enough is enough. We’re banning him from the car park. If it were within our power to ban him from the road as well, then we would. He will be fined a week’s wages if any Manchester City fan ever sees one of his cars anywhere, and we’ll donate that money to the Royal National Institute for the Blind, who can use it to help car-lovers that have poked their own eyes out after witnessing his automotive abominations.

5. Human Cloning. Carlos Tevez is brilliant. He’s clearly one of the best players on the planet. It’s not so much his skill that makes him amazing to watch, it’s his desire, his energy and his propensity for turning up in every area of the pitch. We will put in place a human cloning programme to clone Tevez. The technology’s almost there already so it won’t be too many years before we’re able to field a whole team of Carlos Tevez, from 1-11. Not only will they be able to outrun and outplay the opposition, they’ll also scare them silly. What’s more, our Tevez Cloning Facility will be based in England, which will ensure that the national team will be successful for years to come too. In order to guard all of the silverware that we’re going to win, we’ll manufacture Tevez security guards – possibly with wings and/or hooves – to guard the trophy room. We will rule the football world and, eventually, we may use an army of them to take over the actual world. Try not to concern yourself about that though.

6. Scarves. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team already own a sky blue scarf, so there’ll be no need for all of the supporters to go out and buy yet another new scarf in imitation of us. We will also implement a new rule that nobody may knot their scarf in the same way as the person seated next to them. That will introduce variety into the stands, because frankly, we were a little freaked out when we watched them play last Tuesday.

7. Advertisments. We can’t top the “Welcome To Manchester” advert. But we will keep it, and put more of them up, everywhere. You won’t be able to walk down the street in Manchester without seeing loads of them. We will also put them up in Manchester, New Hampshire and Manchester, Ohio. The locals won’t have a clue what they’re about, but we don’t care. We just want to use Carlos to frighten them a bit. That’ll teach them to buy our chocolate factories.

January 21, 2010
7 Reasons to Shop at Sainsbury’s

1. Nectar Points. Sainsbury’s give you lots and lots of Nectar points. They always remind you to hand over your Nectar card and, when Christmas comes, you can exchange your hundreds of thousands of points for a pound off your shopping.

2. Not Tesco. Sainsbury’s isn’t Tesco so you can be fairly sure that your money won’t be contributing to an evil empire’s master-plan for world domination. I once caught a glimpse through the doors of my local Tesco’s stock-room and it was full of stormtroopers. Eventually a man called Garth, wearing a black mask and an aqualung, came and ushered me away. As he escorted me down an aisle of tinned vegetables I asked him, “Which is best, your own-brand baked beans or Heinz?” He pointed at a tin of Branston beans, which floated into my basket, and he said “The sauce is strong with this one”. He was right.

3. Save. In order to do their bit for the environment, Sainsbury’s give you a penny every time you use your own bag. I’ve started using one bag per item. That’s a penny off everything, which is much better than Nectar points.

4. Jamie Oliver. He sounds like the love child of David Bellamy and Janet Street-Porter and looks like the love child of a frog and a toad. He is also the public face of Sainsbury’s, earning millions of pounds a year representing them. Don’t let that put you off shopping there though. With that sort of money, he can afford not to have to do his own shopping so you’ve got no chance of bumping into him there. Besides, he’s actually done some good things. Never mind all that Fifteen stuff or the making children eat healthy food nonsense, he called BBC Radio 5Live’s Victoria Derbyshire a “stupid cow”. And you thought he was an idiot.

5. Toilet light. I’ve never used a toilet in a supermarket. I don’t consume anything while I’m shopping and, as a man, I aim to spend the shortest possible amount of time at the shop, so I’ve only ever witnessed the toilet light from the outside. It would appear that Sainsbury’s fit all of their supermarket toilets with bright ultraviolet toilet lights. The dazzling brilliance of the blue-hued-glow which everything is bathed in whenever the toilet door is opened is astonishing. A friend of mine went into the toilet while I waited for him outside and when he opened the door I had to use my hand to shield my eyes from the glare. When he emerged it looked like one of the final scenes from Close Encounters of The Third Kind. If you’re making a sci-fi movie on a budget then go to Sainsbury’s.

6. Grape Nuts. Sainsbury’s is one of the few shops in the U.K. where you can buy this amazing American breakfast cereal. It’s like malted gravel in milk. Brilliant.

7. Comedy. The automatic doors at my local branch of Sainsbury’s are fantastic. They are the slowest automatic sliding doors in the world and are more entertaining than many spectator sports. Between the shopper arriving at the door and the door opening, there is a four second gap. This is fine if you’re expecting it, you know that you should stop and wait for a bit – I use the time to get my shopping list out. Unsuspecting customers don’t stop though, because no one usually has to stop and wait for an automatic door, and they walk straight into them. If you find watching people walk into doors funny – and I certainly do – then my local branch of Sainsbury’s is the one to shop at. They even have a handily placed seating area next to the doors that you can spectate from. You won’t find that at Asda.

January 19, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Words Behind The Words Behind The Reasons.

It’s Russian Roulette Sunday and this week we thought we’d give you a flavour of the creative process that goes into 7 Reasons. A lot of correspondence is generated through the running of this website – much of it more bizarre than the stuff we usually post. It entertains us, so we thought we’d post an out of context glimpse at it. We’ve been inspired to do this by the brilliant internet phenomenon, sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com. It seems that the entire world has being reading that. We’re pretty sure that there are octogenarian Japanese soldiers on desert islands still fighting World War II, unaware that it has ended, that have been reading that blog this week. We’d like to pay homage to them by bringing you…(Deep movie-trailer voice)

The Words Behind The Words Behind The Reasons

“Interestingly, if you swap the H and M around from Helen Mead you get Melen Head.”

“A siren is audible in the background when my name is mentioned. This is unsettling.”

“I have no other feedback, but I am conditioned to working in sevens.”

“Sorry for the length of this email, it was meant to be short. I suppose anything is better than putting tinsel up”

“I don’t care if I am deemed to be a bad sport.”

“The current situation is that I am a genius and everything is working again.”

“I loathe revisionism, but I think it’s justified…I’m pretty sure that no one will notice if it disappears.”

“If I haven’t tweeted by about midday tomorrow, it is not because I’m not near a computer, it is because I’m spinning the tag cloud around. I find the way that it moves absolutely mesmerising. In fact, I’m off to play with it now.”

“You’ve probably grasped the concept just by looking at the picture. It’s a tombola”

“While writing this I came up with a fifth possible (and became Donald Rumsfeld).”

“You basically want to steal my Jolly Interesting ideas and pass them off as 7 Reasons’ own? I like your style.”

“Then I went to the bathroom and had an idea. I wasn’t even in the bath, just near it.”

“Anything with a half naked woman goes down well with me. Even a photoshopped half-naked woman. She’s like our mascot.”

“There is always a rogue apostrophe. Just like a Bond Villain would leave a bullet, I leave an apostrophe. It’s my calling card.”

“Surprisingly enough I do have a postal address. Are you sending me a mug?”

“I don’t know what the opposite of “hurrah” is, but imagine that it says that here.”

“You’ve been on fire this week. Thirteen hours early sometimes, but on fire.”

“Realising a tie points to your penis and using it as a comedic observation is quirky; Realising a tie points to your penis and looking it up on the internet is weird. A fine line, admittedly.”

“I have just broken the internet. Nice touch!”

“I retire.”

“I believe that I have addressed all of the things that I needed to and more (except for thumbs)”

“I’m fairly certain that we can say the wrong thing seven more times.”

“Feel free to do a celebratory dance.”

“Being back at my parents who live without wi-fi means I may be slow when it comes to replying to emails. Or I may just be ignoring you.”

“…we can announce that the 2010 logo will be auricularly-challenged Post-Impressionist painter, Vincent Van Gogh.”

“Sarah, via the medium of the comments section, is criticising your “leavc” typo in the post…you might also want to swap the “Ike” for “Icke”, “Barak” for “Barack” and “Lettermen” for “Letterman” which she has failed to notice, before she does.”

“Congratulations on being a genius. It feels good doesn’t it?”

“Didn’t I suggest a film the other week? Stop stealing the best ideas.”

“I have some issues with you ending up with Sandra Bullock and me getting the eye from what could be an amorous polar bear confused by my strange hat/scarf thing (a harf? A scat?), it doesn’t look like that will end well.”

“They are on my browser. Maybe your computer was just cold last night.”

“Aryan Fraulein dating sounds like a niche market to me, but maybe one we could exploit.”

“My body may sleep, the 7 Reasons portion of my brain does not.”

“I can’t overstate how categorically The Great Outdoors and Cliffhanger_1 aren’t there.”

“I’ll be standing on the desk, arms aloft, running around impersonating an aeroplane and at least two other things.”

“You’re like Richard Bacon to my Arlo White.”

“Ask the next person you see to pat you on the back. That should work.”

“I always feel out of my comfort zone writing about sport. Norman Mailer wrote about sport. Hemingway wrote about sport. It’s quite intimidating company.”

“You’re like Lynne Truss to my er..Lynne Truss.”

“I have no problem with you leaving the apology in, you’ll be pleased to know. I accept it.”

“I was hoping that we might “break” America. That we’ve gone over well in Widnes is scant consolation, though I concede that it would be bloody funny if it happened to someone else, or in a sitcom.”

January 17, 2010