7 Reasons

Tag: Queen

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love The British Monarchy

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love The British Monarchy

    As the catalyst for much social discussion, the subject of countless headlines and even the inspiration behind many protests, it’s difficult to argue that the Royal Family aren’t a conversation starter. Despite dividing the opinions of the public on occasion, there are seven very special reasons why you can’t help but love the British monarchy.

    7 Reasons To Love The British Monarchy

    1. Without the Royals, there would be no Pippa. In April 2011, the world was caught up in a whirlwind of fairy tale romance, bunting and street parties – it was time for the much-anticipated Royal wedding. Whether you loved it or loathed it, the inescapable pomp presented something to the general public other than misty-eyed monarchs; Pippa Middleton’s posterior. The bridesmaid’s bottom quickly gathered a following of over 225,000 fan on Facebook, and suddenly gave the Great British public a renewed interest in the Royals.

    2. Banking on a bank holiday. Each time that we are faced with an up and coming event involving the monarchy, almost all of us ask ourselves the same question; will we get an extra bank holiday out of this? Some of us may even and plan our much awaited long weekends around the schedules of the Royal Family. Whether it’s a jubilee or a wedding, you’re likely to find that every Brit can discard their stiff upper lip regarding the Royals in lieu of an extra day away from their desk.

    3. Rock star royalty. You might not expect a member of the monarchy to be prancing around a Las Vegas pool table crudely cupping their privates in a farcical attempt at modesty, but luckily for us that’s when it’s Prince Harry’s time to shine. Providing a little comic relief to the stiff regiment that is the Royal Family, Harry’s antics have ranged from poorly advised and politically incorrect fancy dress costumes to reported recreational drug use. Living a lifestyle that even the most well-seasoned rock star would shy away from makes the Royals seem a little more human; after all, wouldn’t we all do the same if we were born into a world of fame and fortune?

    4. Bringing Britain the bacon. It’s difficult to walk a few yards in London without being confronted with an array of keyrings, coffee mugs and keepsakes emblazed with the faces of the Royal family. The monarchy attracts attention from people all over the world which in turn increases the amount of revenue generated by tourism each year. The year ending March 2013 saw overseas tourists spend £19 billion in the UK, and the monarchy is a contributing factor to this staggering figure. As one of the few remaining countries to still uphold a monarchy, we have to be grateful. After all, hoards of cash-burning visitors wouldn’t stand in the howling wind and drizzle for just anybody!

    5. Prince Phillips’s classic clangers. Long before Prince Harry, Prince Phillip was dropping countless clangers during his duties, some of which were so outrageous they verged on the unbelievable. For example, just earlier this year during a trip to Luton and Dunstable University Hospital, the Prince remarked to a Filipino nurse “the Philippines must be half empty – you’re all here running the NHS”. Other toe-curling off the cuff comments include telling a robed president of Nigeria “you look like you’re ready for bed”. Even at 91, Phillip’s wit shows no sign of waning, so there may still be more mortifying moments to come.

    6. Make way for the Magna Carta. If you think that Prince Harry’s partying and collection of pretty young things was going mad with power, you haven’t seen anything yet. King Henry I implemented a levy known as “scutage” that was payable by knights who wished to exempt themselves from their fighting duties during his rule in 1100. However, the King soon saw the potential to make a pretty penny from this tax, and increased the fee by 300%. It is said that this outbreak of craziness later inspired the creation of the Magna Carta to carefully control the powers of the ruling monarch.

    7. Britain comes together. We may not know the words to the national anthem or be able to name each and every member, but the Royal Family does bring a certain level of unity to the UK. For example, when it was announced that Kate Middleton had gone into labour to give birth to Prince George Alexander Louis, over 6 million comments mentioning the imminent arrival were posted on Twitter within a 48 hour period. Along with a cup of tea and a buttered crumpet, the monarchy represents something that is quintessentially British that we can all share, whether we’re waving flags or just wishing it would all quieten down.

    Author bio: Rosie Percy is a freelance writer who explores a diverse variety of lifestyle and human interest topics. She has previously written for the Guardian and a host of sites across the web, sharing her insights via blogs. Rosie currently lives in Brighton and spends her spare time seeing friends and strolling along the seafront.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Celebrate The Diamond Jubilee

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Celebrate The Diamond Jubilee

    7 Reasons To Celebrate The Diamond Jubilee

    1.  Time Off Work. The first reason to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee for many people will be the fact that we won’t have to work between the dates Saturday 2nd June to Tuesday 5th June (inclusive). This upcoming period is often excitedly referred to as a four-day holiday although to be fair two of the days are Saturday and Sunday anyway and we don’t call weekends two-day holidays do we? Still, for everyone, apart from people such as self-employed workers, police staff and BBC royal correspondents, it’s a good chance to forget about the stresses of work.

    2.  Diamond Jubilees Happen But Once In A Lifetime. Few of us, if any, are likely to see another Diamond Jubilee celebration in our lifetimes. The earliest possible date that Prince Charles could celebrate his Diamond Jubilee in is the year 2072 by which time he would be 123. We might not get a chance to celebrate another Diamond Jubilee so let’s enjoy this one!

    3.  The British Monarch Is Unique. The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee provides a great opportunity to celebrate how unique British culture is. For instance, how many other Queens of the world can you name (bear in mind that American hip-hop star Queen Latifah isn’t a real queen)?*

    4.  Rock Stars Playing In Dangerous Locations. What better way is there to mark another royal milestone than by having a rock star perform a song in a dangerous location? At the Queen’s 2002 Golden Jubilee celebrations, Queen guitarist Brian May re-interpreted God Save The Queen on the rooftop of Buckingham Palace. This has heightened anticipation about which rock star will perform at high-altitude during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Perhaps royal favourite Elton John will haul his piano on to the Buck Palace rooftop to hammer out a specially-composed song.

    5.  It’s A Good Chance To See The Queen In England. It’s great to see the Queen on her globe-trotting travels but the Diamond Jubilee means that, for the duration of her tour of Britain, we will get her all to ourselves.

    6.  The Duke Of Edinburgh. The Diamond Jubilee is also a fine opportunity to acknowledge the Duke of Edinburgh’s sterling service during the Queen’s reign. The monarch’s consort has often tried to be “seen but not heard” but, thankfully, Prince Phillip has never been shy of speaking his mind. It is likely that Camilla and Princess Katherine will have very different styles when they become consort.

    7. Long-Service Award. It’s easy to forget that most women of the Queen’s age have been retired for over a quarter of a century. Even on the day of her latest Jubilee she will still be ‘on duty’!

    *Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands is the only one I can name.

    Author Bio: James Christie writes for kids craft company Baker Ross. Check out the fabulous range of Diamond Jubilee crafts at the Baker Ross website.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

    Remember when you were a youngster and you drew a new country – Jonville – in your parent’s atlas? No? Well you missed out. I did and my imaginary country was amazing. But that’s all it was. Amazing and imaginary. It never actually became a reality. (As those of you who have looked in a 2011 atlas will know.) Today’s guest post from Mark Richardson goes that one step further. Mark’s not interested in whimsy. He’s interested in the real thing. He wants to start his own country. And here’s why you should do it too:

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

    Many of the great, and imaginary, thinkers of our time have said; “There’s no freedom like political freedom”. And they are right. Don’t take my word for it, read a history book. Its pages will be drenched with the blood of warriors who fought for independent rule and freedom. That could be you. Although I would advise you don’t actually fight for freedom. Rather have some coffee and get others to fight for you. Like the French do.

    “Why should I be my own sovereign nation?” I hear you ask. Well here are seven thought provoking reasons.

    1.  No More Speeding Tickets. I don’t remember being included in the meeting where speed limits were decided. Democracy failing at the first hurdle there really. Well, diplomatic immunity will solve that. Next time you’re handed a speeding ticket, hand it back claiming you are beyond the jurisdiction of traffic law enforcement, and demand an apology. You will need diplomatic number plates though. And your nation’s flag flying from your car. That’s a nice touch.

    2.  Military Allies. Label anyone who messes with you a rebel insurgent and request military assistance from the United States Army. Let’s see those neighbourhood punks give you crap when there’s an Apache Gunship hunting them down.

    3.  Money, Money, Money. Don’t stress about that new credit card application. Request one hundred million a year directly from the IMF. Billions exchange hands every year in loans to third world economies. Why shouldn’t you get a piece of that? Claim you need the money to implement a project to build decent housing and ease the overcrowding in your nation’s more populated cities. Roughly translated; get yourself a big house. Personally, my nation could do with a 150 acre secluded coastal estate with a private beach and helicopter pad.

    4.  Travel The World. Sick of economy class and cheap hotels? Me too. Plan a trip to Washington DC and request to stay in the White House and have a meeting in the Oval Office with the President. Demand that the press be present, and request a personal bodyguard for the duration of your US visit. Insist that this bodyguard be Chuck Norris.

    5.  Make Up Your Own Holidays. Why settle for the mere handful of holidays issued by your regular government when you could invent your own when it suits you? It doesn’t have to stop at holidays either. Parades are fun. An annual street parade based around a bikini theme is a killer foreign policy plan. The problem is that regular governments don’t put enough thought into this stuff.

    6.  Get Rid Of Door-To-Door Sales People. Sales people encroaching on your land to sell you crap you don’t need are to be immediately detained as spies and found guilty of espionage, and then imprisoned never to be seen again. Those that email you spam will be tracked down with the help of Western Intelligence Services, accused of cyber terrorism and sent to Guantanamo where violent things will be done to their sensitive parts. Seriously, I hate those guys.

    7.  Get Your Own National Anthem. Yes, one of the perks of being a visiting dignitary everywhere you go. Be creative here. Don’t go the normal boring route. Try Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine and demand that it is played every time you walk into a room. Also, everyone should stand respectfully for the entire duration of the song.

    Well, there you go. Be your own Nation. Craft your own destiny. I should point out at this stage that these suggestions probably actually won’t work in a real world situation. But if you don’t ever try you won’t ever experience the crushing failure that leaves you feeling like an underachieving loser.

  • 7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympic Medal Isn’t Very British

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympic Medal Isn’t Very British

    A year today the XXX Olympiad will be declared open in London. Today – for reasons I have failed to establish – Britain is celebrating this fact. As part of these celebrations, the medal which will be awarded to winners (as well as first and second losers) has been unveiled. The gold version looks like this:

    London 2012 Olympic Medals

    Now, I know what you are thinking. It’s not very British. Which is why we here at 7 Reasons have designed seven alternatives.

    1.  Weather. Despite our recent protestations it does seem that the vast majority of Britons love the weather. And certainly, if you ask a foreigner, they’ll say we are absolutely obsessed with it. So why didn’t we celebrate that?

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    2.  Chavs. I can’t say I’m a massive fan, but chavs as fundamental a part of British society as Morecambe & Wise, fish & chips and Andrew Strauss’ jock-strap.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    3.  Tea. For some bizarre and unfathomable reason one half of the 7 Reasons team doesn’t drink tea. I dare say he also harbours a deep desire to be French. Still, we can’t go around catering for one misinformed individual. The fact is, tea is British (possibly via China) and Britishness is tea. And we should have celebrated it.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    4.  Royalty. Another very British trait is our love for the Royal Family. At least it is if you ask an American. Goodness knows how they’d react if they ever met a Republican. Of all the Royals though, there is particular fondness and admiration for the Queen. Which is why this medal celebrates Freddie Mercury’s moustache.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    5.  Queue. Unlike the French who riot (or go on strike) if someone beats them to a till, us Brits love a good queue. We could be in it for hours and not even stifle a yawn. We’ll be dealt with eventually. Just bide your time Britain, bide your time. And wear a queuing medal.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    6.  Pride. We don’t moan, we don’t complain, we don’t sulk. We just suck in the big ones, take it on the chin and carry on. That is the British way. Which is why we’d have liked to have seen Usain Bolt wearing a medal that depicts Leslie Ash’s stiff upper lip.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    7.  Beer. When the day is done and the battle has been won, there is nothing that hits the spot quite like a warm beer with a massive head.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

  • 7 Reasons To Have A Second Birthday. Today!

    7 Reasons To Have A Second Birthday. Today!

    It turns out that today is the perfect day to have your second birthday.  Here are seven reasons that you should.

    1.  Because You Can.  You might not think you can have a second birthday on June 10th, but you can.  You probably think that only the Queen can have two birthdays, but you’re wrong.  The Queen doesn’t have two birthdays, she has three.  She has her birthday, her official birthday and today, in the Solomon Islands – but nowhere else – it’s the Queen’s official birthday there.  Is it really fair that the Queen should have three times as many birthdays as the rest of us?  Of course not.  No one would mind if you had a second birthday on June 10th, least of all the Queen who’d still be one better than the rest of us.

    2.  Because The Weather’s Right For It.  The date of June 10th falls during the month of June, you may not be surprised to learn.  This means that the weather is guaranteed.  Because on any birthday in June, it will rain.  This will make the weather on your actual birthday – unless that too, falls in June – seem positively glorious in comparison.

    3.  Because It Can Only Improve Your Day.  Today, I was woken at 5:30am by my wife announcing that our son had wet the bed.  “Never mind”, I said, “you can put him in our bed for a couple of hours”.  “I can’t”, she replied, “it’s our bed that he’s wet”.  You need a second birthday to get over that sort of news.  I’m sure that many of you have also woken up to similarly bad news or had unfortunate experiences today (possibly involving rain).  It’s not too late to have a second birthday.  Have it now, you deserve it.

    4.  Because Tomorrow Is World Gin Day.  Tomorrow, in its infinite wisdom, the world – or gin – has decided that it’s World Gin Day.  If you have your second birthday today and request gin, tonic, limes, Angostora bitters, ice and glasses (because receptacles are important), you’ll be perfectly equipped for tomorrow’s festivities.  And you’ll have got the cake-eating out of the way, because if there’s one thing that gin doesn’t go with it’s cake*.  Have your cake today.  And eat it.

    5.  Because Something Good Needs To Happen On June 10th.  Sometimes, when writing about a particular day we do actual research via the medium of Google.  Having researched June 10th, I can confirm that it’s one of the dullest days in history and can disclose that the two events with the most humour potential from this date are that the first public zoo was opened in France in 1794 and Elizabeth Hurley was born in 1965.  It’s not just that you need June 10th for your second birthday.  June 10th needs you.

    6.  Because It’s The Right Time Of Year.  If you have a birthday in February or November, you probably lose out presents-wise because of your special day’s proximity to Christmas.  That’s right, Jesus was born too and he’s far more important than you.  June 10th is almost in the middle of the year and is as far away from Christmas as you can hope to get**.  So, with your second birthday on June 10th, you’ll get better presents and you’ll foil Jesus.  It’s all win.

    7.  Because It’s Jon’s Birthday.  Today, June 10th, is my writing partner Jonathan Lee’s birthday.  If everyone else had a second birthday today then he would age at half the speed of the rest of us (though anyone that saw yesterday’s post might say he’s making rather a good fist of that already***).  We’d all become world-weary and cynical and while, in the Autumn of our lives, our minds had closed to fun, tomfoolery and japery, Jon would still be merrily frolicking away, committing acts of piracy in his garden.  The world’s a much better place for that. Happy birthday Jon.

     

    *If there are two things that gin doesn’t go with they’re cake and cycling.

    **Except for Mecca.

    ***He wrote, in his glass house.

     

     

  • 7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Get Married Right Away

    7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Get Married Right Away

    7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Marry Straight Away

    1.  Brothers. I am going to state a well-known fact here, so bear with me. It’s important. Harry is younger than William. As an older brother myself, I like to try and set an example for my younger sibling to follow. What I don’t like, is when he goes off at his own tangent and out does me by doing it his way. Which is what he did with exams. And girls. It basically makes me feel like a loose part. The thing is though, he bloody loved it. And he’s not alone. All younger siblings like getting one over their elders. And what better way for Harry to ‘reign’ on William’s parade, by getting married now? To some girl called Bianca. From Essex.

    2.  Hyperbole. Unless you have been stuck on the toilet since early Tuesday morning, you will have seen the hyperbolic attention that the pending marriage between William and Kate has received. (I was very tempted to write hyperbollocks, but didn’t as my Mum might learn how to use a computer one day and read this). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am not very happy for them, I am. Indeed, in my role as a proud Briton and appreciator of our history I will no doubt raise a Pimm’s on the day. It’s just that so much has been spoken and yet so much of it is just nonsense. On Wednesday Jeremy Vine decided that the discerning Radio 2 listener had the ability to offer our future Queen advice. I switched off. I may be very wide of the mark, but I suspect that should Miss Middleton need advice she is far more likely to phone her Mum than download a Jeremy Vine podcast. And basically, my point is that Prince Harry should get married now, so that we don’t have to listen to all this claptrap again in five years.

    3.  Journalism. It’s a headline writer’s dream. You probably haven’t realised this yet, what with Wills’ wedding overshadowing absolutely everything, and not caring and all, but Harry rhymes with marry. That’s right! We can expect to see Happy Harry to Marry (Daily Mail), A Harriage Made In Heaven (Daily Star), and Son of Murdered Diana to Wed (Daily Express). And now that there are civil partnerships his options aren’t limited to marrying a Carrie, he can marry a Barry or a Larry too. Or a Keith.

    4.  Tradition. Over the past century or so, royal standards have eroded to the point where it’s now commonplace for royals to marry commoners. That’s right; the likes of you. William is marrying one as well. But there’s still hope. Harry can turn back the tide of decay by choosing to have a proper royal marriage to a girl that he’s related to. And that will be a return to the grand royal tradition, to the days when the many crowned heads of Europe would assemble for important gatherings at which there would be several hundred attendees, but only one face, and the only way to distinguish between any of them would be their facial hair and – in the case of the Kaiser – his pointy helmet and his propensity to invade the drawing room.

    7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Marry Straight Away
    Where's Willhelm?

    5.  Hair. Let’s face it, His Royal Highness, Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales has a ginger bonce. Given the family propensity for hair loss – and we have no reason to assume that this will skip a generation, none whatsoever – he’s likely to be both balding and ginger soon. He needs to marry at once in order to avoid looking like a cross between Patsy Palmer and Prince Edward in his wedding pictures, because there is nothing in Photoshop that can rescue that. Nothing.

    6.  Divorce. Whenever anyone gets divorced, it’s sad. Even if there is much jubilation from both parties. To think that once these two people loved each other so much that they wanted to make that vision of spending the rest of their lives together a reality. Or they met in Las Vegas. Either way, come the final separation, there is sadness. I defy anyone who says otherwise. Unfortunately, for whatever reason (again, probably seven) the incumbent Royal Family have a history of unhappy marriages. So much so that they have employed a designer to add a little sparkle to their divorce papers. Because it will almost certainly happen again. Though I think it is unlikely to be William and Kate. I suspect, if you walked into any betting shop, you would find the odds on Prince Harry getting divorced to be much shorter than those of his brother. And while I hope it doesn’t happen, it may. And if it does Prince Harry may wish to find someone else to spend his time with. Which leads me nicely onto the point of this reason. If Prince Harry marries right now, he has more time in the future if it goes wrong.

    7. It’s The Economy, Stupid. In case you haven’t noticed, Britain is in a recession. And it isn’t going well. To cut costs, we’re going to share the defence of the realm with the French (which is actually a good idea…for a sitcom. Or for Germany) and, if the recession hits any harder we’ll have to take more drastic action: Swingeing health cuts or selling the Queen or something. But wait! According to esteemed financial publication, The Sun, the forthcoming wedding of Wills and Kate will boost the economy by a billion pounds. That’s right. A billion pounds. So if Harry gets married sharpish, that’ll be two billion pounds into the nation’s coffers. And if we can get them breeding, in twenty or thirty years time, with the resultant glut of royal weddings, Britain will once again become one of the most prosperous nations on the planet.*

    *And we can all start wearing top hats again.**

    **Except in the cinema.

  • 7 Reasons I Should Sue Disney

    Disney might have a reputation for making child friendly animations, but each and every one of them gave me nightmares. And I can’t be alone. The animators did some bloody scary things when they were colouring in.

    Nightmare 1.  Snow White And The Seven Dwarves. The Queen in Snow White concocts a potion and turns into my then next-door neighbour. As a result of not being able to bring myself to go next door, Disney owe me £45.75. (Or 22 tennis balls, one football and three badminton shuttlecocks).

    [youtube l9GJtM9lN-I Snow White – Queen Becomes The Witch]

    Nightmare 2.  Jungle Book. The slippery snake that is Kaa decides to make his eyes go all funny. Disney owe me two years worth of eyes as that is how long I spent not looking directly at people.

    [youtube TRASn4tcXFE Jungle Book – Kaa Hypnotizes Mowgli]

    Nightmare 3.  The Little Mermaid. The ugliest creation ever. And she wanted to hurt Ariel. Disney owe me a £5000 Hackett voucher for the clothes I ruined using lesser quality soap powders. They only have themselves to blame. If they’d called her Daz…

    [youtube LG8qwzUE1jE The Little Mermaid – Ursula The Witch]

    Nightmare 4.  Fantasia. The whole film was nightmare enough. How long did it last? Two weeks or something? This scene inparticular gave me the creeps though. Dancing broomsticks. Well, actually, not just dancing broomsticks. Dancing broomsticks and a haunting musical accompaniment. Disney owe me house cleaner.

    [youtube R-7Qar1lFjo Fantasia – The Sorcerer’s Apprentice]

    Nightmare 5.  Lady And The Tramp. Not only did the siamese cats look scary, the bloody song made them terrifying. Disney owe me a pet.

    [youtube TpPGE_SKtA4 Lady And The Tramp – Siamese Cats]

    Nightmare 6.  Dumbo. Elephants made out of bubbles. Need I say more. This is probably the single most scary act in any Disney film ever. Disney owe me 3000 litres of soapy water as this is how much I threw out instead of making bubbles from it. You know, just in case.

    [youtube RJv2Mugm2RI Dumbo – Pink Elephants On Parade]

    Nightmare 7.  Bambi’s Mum Dies. Why? Why did this have to happen? What had Bambi’s mum done to the bastard who shot her? From the very moment I saw this – when cinema tickets cost about £1.90 – I was scarred. Disney owe me a deer. Called ‘Mother’.

    [youtube -eHr-9_6hCg Bambi – Bambi’s Mum Dies]

  • 7 Reasons That The Pope SHOULD Sing With The Queen.

    7 Reasons That The Pope SHOULD Sing With The Queen.

    As you’re probably aware, a recent Foreign Office brainstorming session came up with a number of ideas for the upcoming papal visit.  These included suggestions that the Pope: open an abortion clinic; release a range of branded condoms; bless a gay marriage; spend the night in a council flat in Bradford, and duet with the Queen.  We thought about it for a bit, and decided that the Pope duetting with the Queen would be brilliant.  In fact, we’d like to take the Foreign Office idea further and suggest that they put on a regal/papal concert for us during the visit.  That would surely go a long way to helping Anglo-Vato(?) (Anglo-Popo?) relations.  Anyway, here are 7 Reasons that the Pope should sing with the Queen.

    The Queen and the Pope waving in front of the flags of Britain and Vatican City with microphones

     

    1.  Restate existing views (in song).  Bohemian Rhapsody would be perfect for the concert; after all, it’s already a Queen song.  The Queen can sing the main vocal and the Pope can be the chorus of scary inquisitors (this shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for him, as he disagreed with the apology to Galileo that Pope John-Paul II made almost 400 years after the event).  Singing Bohemian Rhapsody would allow him to restate his position on the Inquisition in a light-hearted way which wouldn’t make him seem wholly un-loveable.  Or perhaps it would.  We suppose that depends on whether you see the Inquisition as a good or a bad thing.  Hmmm.

     

    2.  Apology. The F.O. document also stated that the Pope should apologise for the Spanish Armada.  We don’t know why he should apologise, but we haven’t had one from anyone yet, so why not?  A rendition of Rod Stewart’s Sailing, with slightly altered lyrics, would tell the story of the Armada and would enable the Pope to apologise to the current Queen Elizabeth (how appropriate).  Obviously Nick Drake’s dead, but Francis Rossi could probably earn himself a knighthood by accompanying the pontiff on guitar.  We imagine the Pope’s verse would go like this:

     

    I am sorry, I am sorry,

    For the Spaniards, from the sea.

    I am sorry, I’m so sorry,

    I’ll denounce bullfights, immediately.

    3.  The Church of England. We’re pretty sure that we blotted our copybook a bit with the English Reformation, so it’s important to reassure the Pope that we’re not a godless nation.  The Queen will do this during the concert by singing, as a hymn to God, a specially adapted Olivia Newton-John song re-titled Popelessly Devoted To You.

     

    4.  Levity. Obviously, the regal/papal concert won’t all be gloom and diplomacy and the Queen will provide some light-relief by putting on her best Dick Van Dyke accent and singing this song about Vatican life from the musical, Mary Poppins:

     

    Chim chiminey,

    Chim chiminey,

    Chim chim cher-oo.

    Your smoke it is white

    And your Pope, he is new.

     

    5.  Reconciliation. The current hullabaloo about the Foreign Office suggestions for the papal visit can only damage relations (which have never been great) between the British monarchy and the papacy.  What better way to reconcile the Queen and the Pope than to have decorated war hero, Prince Phillip, join the Queen and former member of the Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI, in a song?  That can only go well.

     

    6.  Equality. When our heads of state meet, the Pope will probably feel a little like a poor relation.  After all, the Queen (okay, she’s only 245th on the Sunday Times Rich List) is the head of a country with a long and glorious history, while the Pope’s the head of the Vatican – which is a few buildings in the middle of Rome.  So it’s important that the Queen makes the pontiff – and his state (population 800) – feel important.  To this end, she will lead the audience in a rousing – though brief – rendition of Land Of Pope And Glory.

     

    7.  Scandal. The paedophilia scandal in the US has rocked the Catholic church.  The Pope, however, doesn’t seem to be aware of it.  During the concert the Pope can attempt to explain his unawareness by singing an updated version of the Jimi Hendrix song, Papal Haze.  The Pope and The Queen will also duet on the song Summer Nights, from the musical Grease.  They will be backed by choirboys, who will exhort The Pope to “Tell me more, tell me more”, as he sings a new verse about the scandal in the US.  Also during the song, they will inquire of The Queen:

     

    Tell me more, tell me more,

    Like does he have a car.

    Tell me more, tell me more,

    Why’s his handbag on fire?

    Depending on how well the Pope’s new verses go they might also enquire as to whether his pants are on fire.

    We haven’t finalised the set-list for the concert yet, so if there’s a song that you would like to see the Queen and the Pope sing, please let us know via the comments section.