Tag: Premier League

7 Reasons to be Glad That The Transfer Window Has Closed

Hurrah! It’s finally over! And here are seven reasons to be glad that it is.

1. There’ll Be More News. The 24 hour rolling football will finally stop and news stations and channels will carry actual news: Proper news; vital news; weighty news of great import, historical gravity and epoch-defining momentousness. For all we know, Beyonce could be pregnant and because of the transfer deadline day absolutely no one in the world will have heard about it. Also, Colonel Gaddafi could still be hiding in a tunnel somewhere, possibly in Libya. Literally anything could be happening out there and we wouldn’t know because of the seemingly endless saga of will he/won’t he buy him, will he/won’t he join them and David Ngog? Hahahahahahaha!!!! Let’s find out what’s happening in the world.

2. There’ll Be Less Bullshit, Rumour, Bullshit, Bullshit and Bullshit. There’s a saying in motor sport: When the flag drops, the bullshit stops, but there isn’t enough fabric in the world to make enough flags to stop all of the falsity, mendacity and unabashed calumny that makes up the speculation on transfer deadline day. And even if there were, there wouldn’t be enough seamstresses to sew them, poles to fly them from and this analogy stops here as it’s making the writing part of my head hurt. It seems that absolutely anyone can say absolutely anything and get it reported by ordinarily sensible yet temporarily scoop-frenzied news organisations (and Sky) on transfer deadline day. You would think there would be a limited number of Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terrys that could possibly be at an airport terminal or a motorway service station to witness Sol Campbell (who by my reckoning is now at least eight thousand years old) heading off to one training ground or another, but apparently there aren’t. Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry achieves absolute omnipresence on transfer deadline day as does Yossi Benayoun who, according to Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry has now signed for at least six clubs and consumed twelve different flavours of Ginsters pasties at various motorway service stations across the land. And every word of this gets reported in every medium by every organisation reporting on the looming transfer deadline. Benjamin Disraeli said that there are“…lies, damned lies, and statistics”, but he never experienced a transfer deadline day. On transfer deadline day there are no statistics.

3. Arsenal Fans Will Seem Less Mad. If you’re of the opinion that Arsene Wenger has lost the plot in recent months with his bizarre refusal to sign any football player that is both over the age of twenty and has a spine, you could be seen to have a valid point. But Wenger’s reluctance to spend his football club’s money buying football players for their football team has made such blubbering wrecks of the supporters that Mr Wenger himself seems like the sanest man in the world (except David Dimbleby) in comparison to them. I’ve experienced this myself as, while I don’t support a Premier League club, I think that a strong and competitive Arsenal team is a lovely thing to watch and makes the Premier League competition far more exciting. Today I’ve frequently found myself foaming at the mouth and bellowing “Buy him! Buy him! Buy him!” This happens whenever Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry spots any footballer with at least one and a half working legs and the ability to grow even the sparsest of beards within a hundred mile radius of North London. The combination of Arsene Wenger’s parsimony and transfer deadline day have contrived to turn me into a babbling idiot (even more so than usual). It must be so much worse for those that actually care: Those poor people also have to bellow “Sell him! Sell him! Sell him!” whenever Nicklas Bendtner’s name is mentioned. It must be hell for them.

4. We’ll Rediscover Words. How often do you hear your own name said out loud? A couple of times a day? Ten times a day? It might be more if you’re gregarious or popular, I wouldn’t know. One thing I do know though, is that if your name is Scott Parker you’ll have heard it said out loud more often than anyone else in the entire history of humanity. Anyone that has watched a sport bulletin between May and September (that period we refer to ironically as “the summer”) this year will have heard the words Scott and Parker more times than they’ll have heard the words if, it, bit, but, the, a, dog and salamander combined. Oh, and and. Craig David has heard his name said out loud fewer times than Scott Parker has and he spends his entire life singing it at people.

5. We’ll Be Less Baffled. My wife knows less about football than I know about the female orgasm. Of the sea otter. And when she turned to me today and wearily asked “Why do they always leave it until the last minute?” I loftily dismissed her amateur enquiry and, in a knowledgeable and not un-patronising tone replied, “It’s because…”. That’s as far as I got. Because when the transfer window is open from the end of the previous season until the end of August, it’s absolutely barmy to be trying to buy a player (that the selling club usually need to replace) minutes before the window shuts. The buying club won’t find a bargain as the seller will be far more reluctant to sell them at that time and they won’t get a pre-season to help them settle into the squad. There is no level on which leaving buying a footballer until the last minute makes any sense. Unless it’s the same level on which Jedward are entertaining and Nando’s is a desirable place to go for dinner, in which case it makes all the sense in the world. More probably. All of the sense everywhere. Even the sense in the cupboard under the stairs and the sense that has dropped out of your trouser pockets and fallen down the back of the sofa. Am I still making sense? No? There, that’s how much sense leaving it until the last minute makes.

6. We Will All Be Safe. It’s okay. Really, it’s alright now. We can all breathe a deep sigh of relief and relax as we’re all perfectly safe now. Though it does seem that their strategy is to buy absolutely everyone in the world, there are rules and regulations to deal with that sort of thing and if you haven’t already been purchased by Manchester City (something that is worth checking), you won’t have to worry until January. I’ve spent much of the last month absolutely terrified that I’m going to get signed and dragged off to Manchester to play football in the rain, but I seem to have escaped. My five month old son (who can nearly stand up unaided) seems to have slipped the net too. We got off lightly, as it seems that they’ve even resorted to raiding hospitals to find players to sign.

7. Football Will Be About Football. Remember when football was about football? That wondrous, gilded, golden-age when football wasn’t about finance, negotiation, and acquisition? When it was about sport and not business? Now that the window’s slammed firmly shut, those of us that want to see business (and who amongst us doesn’t find watching a meeting utterly thrilling?*) can watch Dragon’s Den or The Apprentice and those of us that like football can watch football which is a sport, not a bunch of self-centred prima-donnas making utter cocks of themselves for our entertainment. Oh, it turns out that it is. Still, it’ll be nice change from all of the business. Until it all starts again in three months. Bugger.

*Yes, it’s me.

August 31, 2011
7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

1. They’re Memorable. Wait. What. Huh? Never mind people remembering where they were when they heard that Kennedy had been shot by Lee Harvey Oswald/spooks on the grassy knoll/a Wisconsin bear hunter’s epic and unfortunate ricochet. Never mind people remembering where they were when Diana had been killed in a traffic accident/sinister Prince Philip-backed plot/returning of his angel to heaven by Jesus. Those events have now been overshadowed by our own epoch-defining memorable moment. Henceforth, we will all remember where we were when we heard the rumour that Darren Bent was leaving Sunderland for Aston Villa for £18 million.

2. They’re Shocking. ”Eighteen million pounds!”, I exclaimed as I spat my morning espresso at my laptop. “Darren Bent!”. “Eighteen million pounds!”. And suddenly my previously sleeping cat appeared by my side, staring at me, with a curious expression on his face and his ears pricked. And then it dawned on me. The shock of the news had caused me to say “Eighteen million pounds” in a voice so high that it shocked my cat. A voice so high that out of the two of us, only he could hear it. A voice so high that Keith Richards on the seventh day of a bender in an opium den would have to gaze upward to see it. Using a telescope.

3. They’re Incomprehensible. After a bit of a lie down, during which my voice fell back down to Earth from the upper ionosphere and my cat got on with some urgent dozing, I tried to digest the news. Nope. It doesn’t compute. There is nothing about this news that isn’t baffling and incomprehensible, and I’m married to a woman and live in Yorkshire, so I’m one of the world’s foremost authorities on baffling and incomprehensible.

4. The Money. Eighteen million pounds, to be exact (I may have already mentioned this). Now eighteen million pounds isn’t what it used to be. Time was when eighteen million pounds could probably buy you a Premier League winning squad, but those days are gone and with Manchester City paying silly money for every world-class player out there, transfer fees are currently sky-high. But Darren Bent isn’t a world-class player, and Man City aren’t trying to buy him (they already have Jo) so how in all the name of all that is holy can anyone justify paying eighteen million pounds for Darren Bent? Darren Bent! He was overpriced at sixteen and a half million when he signed for Spurs four years ago and he looked a better player back then with more potential. How is he one and a half million pounds better now? We’ve all seen the sitter he famously missed against Portsmouth and yes, Sandra Redknapp could have scored it. With her eyes closed. How can a club that didn’t back its previous manager with transfer funds at the start of the season now justify spending eighteen million pounds now. On Darren Bent? Rafael van der Vaart has been the best signing in the Premier League this season and he only cost eight million. Is Darren Bent ten better than van der Vaart? Really?

5. It’s Aston Villa. Last season, a move to Villa would have looked like a step-up for Darren Bent. But this season Steve Bruce has got Sunderland playing fantastic football (except against Newcastle) and they’re an improving squad in the hunt to get European football next year. And Darren Bent is an integral part of the first team. Villa, on the other hand, are hovering alarmingly above the relegation zone and are fielding a team half full of old men and children every match; it’s a bit like the home team in Berlin in 1945, except that they’re managed by Gerard Houllier. Why would anyone want to change to that side?

Is this a logical move?

6. It’s Greedy. The only thing that can possibly be motivating this move from the top of the Premier League to the bottom is money. It can’t be to improve his game by working with Houllier and it doesn’t seem likely that he wants to return to the Championship, so it must be solely for the money. But it’s not as if he’s earning a pauper’s wage, he’s a Premier League football player! How much more money can he possibly need? There can’t have been avarice on this scale since…well, okay…it happens every day, but outside of banking and parliament, there can’t have been such a naked example of greed since the dawn of time. Or perhaps earlier.

7. Breaking News. As I’ve been writing this the fee has changed. Now it’s twenty four million pounds! It’s gone up. Now he’s three times better than van der Vaart. In fact, Fernando Torres only cost Liverpool twenty million. So Darren Bent is now better than Fernando Torres. I give up! This can’t be real, I’m just going to assume that it’s all some sort of strange dream and hope that when I wake up this whole story isn’t here. There’s no place like home…There’s no place like home…

January 18, 2011
7 Reasons It’s A Disaster England Lost The Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup

1. Qualifying. England have got to do it. And that’s worrying. Ever so often they cock it up. And the qualifying campaign for the 2018 World Cup could be the ever so often.

2. Scotland. Russia have won the bid. That is one hell of a long way to go to just to put in a spirited performance – albeit in defeat – against Brazil and then lose 4-0 to Japan. They could have lost at St. James’ Park and then slipped back over the border unnoticed.

3. England. Russia is a long way to go to lose on penalties to Portugal. We could quite easily have done that at home. Or in Portugal. And the players could have done it without wearing gloves.

4. Children. Given that 66% of children think ‘The War Of The Roses’ has something to do with those sweets that aren’t Quality Street, England hosting the 2018 World Cup would have been the perfect opportunity for the BBC to do those profiles of the host country. Like they did in South Africa. They would have taught the youth of the year after the next seven all about England’s rich heritage. Instead they are going to learn about Russian dolls. And I don’t mean Anna Kournikova.

5. Economy. Let me be the first to tell you that Russia is three hours ahead of the UK. That means games during our afternoons. You can bet your last fiver that England will be playing Cameroon on a Wednesday afternoon at about 2pm BST. And it’s a game they are going to have to win having previously lost 2-1 to Romania and drawn 0-0 with a country no one has even heard of. Despite the fact that we will be rubbish, people will still be skipping work to watch the game. It’ll be enough to plunge us into a recession. Probably the same one we are in now.

6. Press. If England do make it through to the World Cup, for one whole day Sky News will be covering the ‘England Leave For Russia’ story. We’ll have to endure watching the England players walk up some steps and onto a plane. Probably followed by Gazza with a fishing rod and a bucket of chicken. Then six hours later we’ll have to watch them walked off the plane in Moscow. Followed by a drunk Gazza with a fishing rod and no chicken.

7. It’s Coming Home! If England had won the bid, we could have listened to this song while it made sense. Now, we’ll have to listen to it trying to work out how Russia is the home of football. And Baddiel and Skinner will be 54 and 61 respectively. They’ll have probably gone all Chas’n’Dave on us.

December 2, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons I Prefer Blackpool To Cardiff

It’s Saturday, so the 7 Reasons team are off doing Saturday things somewhere – probably in the shops or the pub – but don’t panic: Taking the helm of the 7 Reasons sofa today is Derek J. Gafney, the Middlesbrough-based-writer, of Gaffer’s Sports Blog fame. When he’s not watching sport, thinking about sport, or writing about sport he can be found here, tweeting about sport or here…er…tweeting about sport. Thanks Gaffers!

As the Championship play-off concluded on Saturday gone and the seaside town of Blackpool began to celebrate promotion to the Premier League, I realised I have several reasons to agree with them achieving this success.

In fact I have SEVEN reasons, which back up my originally just wanting ‘The Tangerines’ to win the play-off final against Cardiff City, the original reason being simply the romance of such an achievement.

Now I could back it up with my seven reasons, so here goes…

1. Orange. Unlike a certain Graham Taylor, I do like orange, it is a colour which is synonymous with the game of football and a welcome addition to the top flight of English football.

The great Dutch team of the 1970′s, the amazing skills of the Blackpool side containing Sir Stanley Matthews in the 1950′s, the infamous and well missed orange footballs when the snow had laid on a winters game.

This is a true football colour and the Seasiders’ faithful will brighten up many a dull away ground in the coming season.

2. Memories. Oh the memories, I have only been to Blackpool once, it’s a fair trek from Middlesbrough you know!! But I had a cracking weekend, admittedly this was more so due to the fact I was 17 and every pub served us without hesitation.

But fond memories all the same. The town appears to have deteriorated over the past decade and the input of the Premier League wealth will hopefully aid in returning the place to its former glories.

If you’ve never been and you go based on this guest post, I am in no-way responsible for what happens to you in Blackpool, hope that covers me, should do, shouldn’t it?

3. Ian Holloway (pictured below). A genuine football man, a genuinely likeable man and a genuine family man. If you don’t like Olly (Ian Holloway’s nickname) then personally there has to be something wrong with you, or he owes you money, or something along those lines.

The type of person, genuine (used it four times now) football fans want to see do well in the professional game. A combative midfielder in his day playing almost 600 career club games and a hard-working manager to boot.

He will light up the dull, monotonous Premier League, adding character, honesty and the occasional quote of pure comedic genius!!

4. Day at the seaside. We all love a day out at the seaside, its part of the culture of these fair isles. The temperatures hit the high teens and we pack up the family and the car and head to the coast. Now you can take in a top flight football game as part of the experience. Nana will love it!!

Seriously, it will mean so much to the local economy, with away fans using it as an excuse to head to the seaside for a weekend and spend much-needed money in reviving the local economy and the pubs and clubs too.

I recommend you visit, though yet again I am not liable for this recommendation. Phew!!!

5. EN-GER-LUND. It is as simple as that, if we aren’t going to allow the Scottish into our leagues then surely it’s best to keep the Welsh out too. All jokes aside, I’m serious about this as we have the Welsh in already, then surely we can’t be arguing against St. Mirren or Cork City wanting in too.

Can we? Keep out all of you, create your own leagues, oh no you’ve already done that, well Cardiff, go play in that league or else!! (I rescind this comment as I think those Cardiff boys like a fight, see reason seven for more)

6. Chopra, Ridsdale, Hamann (pictured below) et al. I have no reason whatsoever to have any form of hatred towards anyone person associated with Blackpool and their football club, yet Cardiff City seem to want to offer me plenty of reasons to want to see them fail at the final hurdle and laugh out loud.

Michael Chopra, Peter Ridsdale, Sam Hamann, Steven Gerrard’s cousin and well as you can see the list goes on and on and on!!

You know I’m right on these points and the list could go on, nothing personal, no actually it is personal!!

7. Zero Tolerance. As we enter a crucial period in our bid to host the 2018 World Cup we need to have a zero tolerance approach prior to the bid result in December of this year.

I don’t want to seem stereotypical, but Cardiff fans along with several others have a reputation for enjoying a fight or two with opposing fans, whether it’s based on the Welsh versus the English or it’s just a general theme, I must admit I am not sure.

But, having heard, read and witnessed their fans at first hand, I am pleased they will not be able to take the spotlight and potentially spoil our hosting bid, though let’s be fair, we are more than capable of spoiling our bid ourselves and don’t need any help thank you very muchly!!

Blackpool deserve their moment in the big time and my reasons are purely comedic and light-hearted in their approach. Good luck to the Tangerines when they begin their life in the Premier League.

I truly hope they survive more than one season and, who knows, it maybe Cardiff joining them in 2011/2012. Personally, as long as Middlesbrough are promoted I don’t honestly care.

Cheers.

Gaffers

May 29, 2010
7 Reasons That Match of the Day 2 is Better Than Match of the Day

1. Gary Lineker. Unlike many people, I don’t mind Gary Lineker; he’s knowledgable, charming and his ad-libs are great. In an incident during a live match, when someone in the crowd hurled a coin at Jamie Carragher, the cameras showed Carragher picking the coin up and forcefully throwing it back. “It’s probably his change,” Lineker drolly observed. The problem I have with watching Gary Lineker for more than ten minutes is that I start to crave crisps. Speaking of which:

2. Adrian Chiles. Part-man, part-potato, Adrian Chiles is the television presenter equivalent of Marmite. I like him. I love the seemingly limitless supply of daft questions that he uses to torment Lee Dixon:

“Did Ian Wright ever borrow your shorts, Lee?”

“Did Tony Adams kiss you like that when you scored a goal, Lee?”

“Did you ever get the ball mixed up with a balloon, Lee?”

“Did they celebrate like that in your day, Lee?”

Some people can’t stand him though. Stewart Lee likened watching him to “… being stuck in the buffet car of a slow-moving train with a Toby jug that has miraculously discovered the power of speech…A Toby jug filled to the brim with hot piss.”

I’m firmly in the I-like-Adrian-Chiles-camp and I even miss his much-criticised beard. Anyone interested in starting a campaign to bring it back?

3. Alan Shearer. Alan Shearer is the dullest man in the world. He’s always on Match of the Day where he provides no tactical insight and no wit. Essentially, he just states the bleeding-obvious in a really dull way. Here’s a Shoot magazine interview with him from 1991 (click on it to see it full-sized):

4. Whooshing. Both MOTD and MOTD2 suffer from this. Seriously, could the sound effects that accompany the opening titles be more ridiculous? At the end of the title sequence, there’s about thirty seconds of whooshing noises, for no reason. Why? Stupid pointless bloody whooshy noises! MOTD2 wins here as I’m quite busy on Sundays and I usually manage to miss the first couple of minutes of it.

5. Kevin Day. While MOTD is serious and analytical, MOTD2 is a more light-hearted and jovial affair. The most obvious manifestation of this is the presence of former comedian Kevin Day. His role is that of the travelling buffoon, turning up at a different ground every week to mock daft supporters, eat pies and generally annoy the clubs’ staff. I want his job: I can mock and annoy, I can eat pies. My football team is crap too. And I’m cheaper.

6. Keown. Martin Keown often appears on MOTD2. Martin Keown is the scariest man alive, scarier even that Sebastien Chabal. When he’s on screen I find myself trying to slide down the sofa and hide behind the coffee table. Conversations with my wife tend to go like this during MOTD2:

“Are you scared of Martin Keown, darling?”

“Yes.”

It doesn’t matter who asks the question. We’re both afraid of Martin Keown. He mostly appears on MOTD2, so even if I didn’t believe it, I’d tell you that MOTD2 was better. Otherwise he might beat me to death with a rock. Or discover fire and burn an effigy of me in his cave. While grunting, possibly.

7. Finale. The denouement of MOTD2 and, often, the highlight of Sunday is 2 Good 2 Bad, and it’s obviously the part of the show that Chiles relishes too. This means that Match of the Day 2 ends on a high. Match of the Day doesn’t though, it ends with the knowledge that if you don’t get off the sofa soon, you’ll have to watch the awful title sequence for the Football League show, featuring chirpy-cheeky football fans having a knees-up, and then watch Manish – apparently lost – wandering aimlessy around the studio introducing the show. Why can’t he just stand still? He’s been doing it for almost a season, why doesn’t he know where to stand yet?

April 8, 2010
7 Reasons January’s Premier League Transfer Window Was a Major Disappointment

The January transfer window closed yesterday after a month of fevered speculation and very little in the way of big deals. Here are 7 Reasons that it was a major disappointment.

1. Where’s Waldo? Despite strong rumours in December, Chilean defender Waldo Ponce was not signed by Wigan in the January transfer window. I can’t begin to express how disappointing this was. I wasn’t even consoled by their signing of Moses. Waldo Ponce…Waldo Ponce! It would have been amazing.

2. Loan moves. It seems that most of the transfers in this January’s window have been loan moves. That’s not surprising given the current financial state of many of many Premier League clubs, but the redistribution of players who are not deemed good enough to make it into the the first teams at their own clubs to other clubs is hardly exciting. Also, Robinho left the Premier League on a loan deal, and he was really entertaining me. Well, off the pitch, anyway.

Ruud van Nistelrooy visits the set of a popular American television show.

3. Ruud van Nistelrooy. A genuine world-class striker, he was linked with just about every major Premier League club this January and hasn’t gone to any of them. He’s gone to Hamburg where, if he can steer clear of hoof injuries, he should do rather well. Or if you believe Wikipedia, he’s signed for Gateshead many years into the future.

4. Harry. The ever-prolific Harry Redknapp has been disappointing during this transfer window – he’s only brought a couple of players in and sent a couple out on loan. Not only has he been unusually inactive this January, he’s also been below par when dealing with the media. This is how he announced the signing of Eider Gudjohnsen: “It was his decision to come to us. He said ‘I want to come to Tottenham’.” Sadly, I could find no Youtube footage of this revealing press conference.

5. Campbell. With the arrival of Thomas Vermaelen in the summer Arsenal seemed to have completed their defensive line-up. And, to most people, it appeared that all they needed to revitalise their team in January was a big, prolific striker and an aggressive defensive midfielder. So they re-signed lumbering war-horse, Sol Campbell. Opinion is divided over whether Sol will be a good signing for them. The argument from most of those in favour of the move seems to be that he was a great player once, so he’ll be fine, despite lacking the pace that most people believe is necessary to play in the Premier League. I just hope that he can still do this.

6. Manchester United. Behind Chelsea in the title race, it was supposed that Fergie would want to improve his squad in January. The most exciting transfer news from Old Trafford last month was Danny Wellbeck going out on loan to Preston North End. Do you remember where you were when you heard that? No, me either.

7. Final Day. The activity on the final day of the transfer window is usually frenetic and exciting. The biggest announcement on the final day of this window was that Robbie Keane had gone to Celtic on loan. That’s right, a talented and exciting player is leaving the Premier League – for a bit. That pretty much summed up this January transfer window. A loan move that does nothing to enrich the quality of the Premier League and not a lot else. It’s lucky we had John Terry to distract us.

February 2, 2010
7 Reasons That We Should Run Manchester City

We, the 7 Reasons team, have decided that we should branch out a bit and take on a new challenge. We have no allegiances with Manchester City, but we have some great ideas on how we could improve the running of the club. Here are 7 Reasons that we should run Manchester City.

1. Wisdom. It is oft said that two heads are better than one. There are two of us, and we have one head each. That’s two heads. Roberto Mancini only has one head. Okay, so his is full of football knowledge and experience while our heads are full of words and Jennifer Aniston, but the two heads will make us a better manager than Mancini, conventional wisdom says so. It is also said that many hands make light work. We have twice as many of those as Mancini, so we should be able to make a substantial saving on the electricity bill too.

2. Bellamy. Craig Bellamy is a brilliant footballer and is in the form of his life at the moment. We’re only too aware, however, that he has, in the past, been an unsettling influence in many of the dressing-rooms that he has been in. We want Craig Bellamy in our team, but we don’t necessarily want him in our squad. We will construct a separate dressing-room for Craig Bellamy and hold solo training sessions for him. This way he can continue to play for us on the pitch, but won’t disrupt our squad. We did love it when he was annoying Alan Shearer at Newcastle though. Annoying Alan Shearer should be a sport in its own right.

3. Bell End. No, not Craig Bellamy again. Colin Bell. When the City of Manchester stadium was taken over by Manchester City, their supporters voted overwhelmingly to name an end of the stadium after their hero Colin Bell. The club, after much procrastination, overruled this decision and eventually named the West Stand after him instead. We would reverse their decision and name the North Stand after him, thus creating the Colin Bell End. The West Stand would become The Hat Stand, The East Stand would become The Last Stand and the South Stand would become The South End, as it’s where Manchester United supporters live. We would also reconstruct the car park, with a new lower level parking bay spanned by The Wayne Bridge, which will be vastly expensive and a bit wobbly.

4. Cars. We don’t know why Stephen Ireland does this to cars, but enough is enough. We’re banning him from the car park. If it were within our power to ban him from the road as well, then we would. He will be fined a week’s wages if any Manchester City fan ever sees one of his cars anywhere, and we’ll donate that money to the Royal National Institute for the Blind, who can use it to help car-lovers that have poked their own eyes out after witnessing his automotive abominations.

5. Human Cloning. Carlos Tevez is brilliant. He’s clearly one of the best players on the planet. It’s not so much his skill that makes him amazing to watch, it’s his desire, his energy and his propensity for turning up in every area of the pitch. We will put in place a human cloning programme to clone Tevez. The technology’s almost there already so it won’t be too many years before we’re able to field a whole team of Carlos Tevez, from 1-11. Not only will they be able to outrun and outplay the opposition, they’ll also scare them silly. What’s more, our Tevez Cloning Facility will be based in England, which will ensure that the national team will be successful for years to come too. In order to guard all of the silverware that we’re going to win, we’ll manufacture Tevez security guards – possibly with wings and/or hooves – to guard the trophy room. We will rule the football world and, eventually, we may use an army of them to take over the actual world. Try not to concern yourself about that though.

6. Scarves. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team already own a sky blue scarf, so there’ll be no need for all of the supporters to go out and buy yet another new scarf in imitation of us. We will also implement a new rule that nobody may knot their scarf in the same way as the person seated next to them. That will introduce variety into the stands, because frankly, we were a little freaked out when we watched them play last Tuesday.

7. Advertisments. We can’t top the “Welcome To Manchester” advert. But we will keep it, and put more of them up, everywhere. You won’t be able to walk down the street in Manchester without seeing loads of them. We will also put them up in Manchester, New Hampshire and Manchester, Ohio. The locals won’t have a clue what they’re about, but we don’t care. We just want to use Carlos to frighten them a bit. That’ll teach them to buy our chocolate factories.

January 21, 2010