7 Reasons

Tag: pink

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Should Never Wear A Pink Personalised T-Shirt

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Should Never Wear A Pink Personalised T-Shirt

    7 Reasons Men Should Never Wear A Pink Personalised T-Shirt

    “Pink T-Shirt?! PINK T-SHIRT?!?!?! Are you…? Are you…serious? Why is that guy wearing that? Pink?! REALLY?!”

    The above is, believe it or not, an abbreviated (and cleaner) version of the thought process racing through a man or woman’s head when they spot that rare and ridiculous beast: the pink T-shirt-wearing male.

    Here is a fun list of reasons you should NOT be that beast:

    1.  All Aboard The Camp-er Van. OK. Let’s start with the reason that most red-blooded males will put at the top: it’s camp. A pink t-shirt is camp. And wearing a pink t-shirt is even camper. If you deem yourself to be camp, well that’s fine. You are what you wear. But if you’re not camp, well then a pink t-shirt is just not for you. Many things in life are said to be impossible. But they’re not really. Wearing a pink t-shirt and not looking camp, however, is. You just can’t do it. Wearing a pink t-shirt gives off certain signals you see. Like using straighteners on your hair or painting your nails. People might just think you care a little TOO much about your appearance. And that makes you a tart.

    2.  I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty. Unconvinced by the last point? This is the 21st century, right? We can straighten our hair and wear nail varnish and put on our mummy’s dresses and sing West Side Story. Errr…no…no you can’t. Metro sexuality was a passing fad to shift product. It’s gone now. Wave goodbye. Basic traditions stand the test of time for a reason.

    3.  Why? Just Why? Think of all the other personalised t shirts colours you could wear…
    BLACK: Mysterious.
    WHITE: Clean and cool.
    RED: ROAR!
    YELLOW: Summer time.
    GREEN: …Dude…
    BLUE: Cool.
    PINK….now tell me, after that list, pink doesn’t NATURALLY strike you as a little odd.

    4.  Pink Is Not For Girls. Even WOMEN don’t really wear pink. Think about Angie at the Oscars. Elizabeth Hurley in THAT dress. Black is sexy. Red is feisty. Pink doesn’t often make the list for chicks, so…cased close?

    5.  You’re Fired. OK so you want three more reasons. You greedy piglets. Ladies and gentleman of the jury I refer you to the excellent, internationally-loved cartoon series The Simpsons. In the episode ‘Stark Raving Dad’ Homer is fired from work by Mr. Burns for being a “free-thinking anarchist” BECAUSE he wore a PINK SHIRT to work! So in Simpson-world it’s OFFICIALLY CRAZY. And let us NOT forget, ladies and gentleman of the jury, that Homer wore that pink shirt by MISTAKE! He washed his reds with his whites. He did NOT BUY a pink shirt.

    6.  It’s Not Rocket Science. If you want us to go all technical on you, we will. PINK is scientifically proven to only go with a very select amount of skin tones. We are pink and peachy and pasty and black and white and brown and NONE OF THOSE, not ONE is supposed to be a great fit with pink. Don’t blame us. BLAME SCIENCE.

    7.  Horticultural Impact. The word Pink comes from flowers…

    BONUS REASON: Try Google image searching ‘Brad Pitt wearing pink personalised T-shirt’ or George Clooney or Johnny Depp. NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING can be found.

  • 7 Reasons to Wear a CAT Cap When Borrowing a Flat Flap (For Fat Cats)

    7 Reasons to Wear a CAT Cap When Borrowing a Flat Flap (For Fat Cats)

    The CAT cap, that iconic piece of American headgear is, despite what you may have read yesterday, the ideal piece of millinery to wear when borrowing a large cat flap.  Here’s why.

    1.  You’re Lost.  On the way to see your flat flap (for fat cats) lender you get lost and you don’t have a map.  Normally, you couldn’t ask for directions at all but, with your CAT cap as a disguise, you can.  By pretending to be an American.  It’s a well known fact that 94% of lost American tourists that you encounter in the UK are actually fat, badly dressed British people putting on a funny accent.  You can be one too!

     

    2.  Whippets.  You might not own a fat cat at all, you might own a whippet; those mid-sized runts from greyhound litters.  But what if you want to borrow a cat flap for a whippet and don’t want it to be known that your greyhound is inadequate?  You can’t wear a flat cap, they’ll assume you’re a whippet owner.  You can, however, wear a CAT cap and pretend that you’re borrowing one for a cat.  And that your caps lock is stuck.

     

    3.  Escape.  You’re on the run.  They’re after you.  It’s your own fault really, you fell into bad company and were led astray.  When one of your friends suggested that you should brilliantine your hair and don clothes from the 1920s to go out for a night on the town, you acquiesce.  Unfortunately, your gang’s – having consumed several too many Tom Collins and Manhattans – behaviour has become indecorous and has descended into committing acts of japery and tomfoolery.  Soon, you and your friends are filming each other with your portable telephones as you grab total strangers on the night bus and forcibly dance the Charleston with them.  After one happy flapping incident too many, you find you have become separated from your chums and are being chased by an angry, powerful looking man called Matt whose only desire for the evening was to enjoy a quiet meal out with friends, and transport his large cat flap (for his fat cat, Pat) home.  And boy is he fast.  As you tear round the corner of Crash Street you find that he is tiring though, and you begin to pull away from him until, eventually, he is out of sight altogether.  Then, with creeping horror, you realise that something is blocking your path.  That’s right, it’s the Crash Street wall: You’ve run into a dead end.  Desperately scanning the surrounding area for some means of escape, you spot a yellow CAT cap protruding from a bin bag.  You dust it off and put it on just as Matt bounds into view.  “He went in there” you shout while pointing at a padlocked door to your right, “here let me hold that for you”.  He hands you the large cat flap and furiously heads toward the door.  While his back is turned, you rapidly attach the cat flap to the wall and make your escape through it.  If it weren’t for the CAT cap, this might not have ended so well.

     

    4.  Baldness.  Have you ever lent a cat flap to a bald person?  No.  No one ever does.  They need to cover their heads to get cat flaps.  A CAT cap will achieve this.

     

    5.  Fame.  You’re Guy Ritchie.  You need to go out and borrow a prop.  It’s a flat cat flap for a fat cat (the film’s in plain old 2D, so you only need a flat one).  But you’re being papped, so you can’t wear a flat cap (as you’re a recognisable chap who they’ll try to snap) so you slap on a CAT cap to borrow your flat flap (for a fat cat), which you’re able to borrow without incident.

     

    6.  When Abroad.  You’re in America.  In the American mid-west, in movies from the eighties, where most people wear plaid shirts and mesh CAT caps.  And you’re on holiday.  Being the sort of person who likes to be prepared (and has a suitcase full of baked beans, ginger biscuits, tea and beige trousers), you have remembered to pack your fat cat and your door, but have unaccountably forgotten your cat flap.  Your cat won’t be able to get through the door so you’ll need to borrow one.  And how better to approach the locals and showing them you’re not a stranger than by donning a CAT cap, and driving over to their place in a pick-up truck.  With Michael J. Fox or Kevin Bacon in the passenger seat.  It’ll put them at their ease and they’ll be happy to let you take their cat flap.  And these broken wings.

     

    7.  Donning.  Perhaps you’re already the wearer of a CAT cap.  And already own a fat cat, for whom you have a cat flap.  But what if your fat cat has had some sort of cat flap mishap that caused it to snap (the cat flap, not the fat cat) while you were having a nap?  Well in that case, you’d need to don your CAT cap and pop out to borrow a flat fat cat cat flap to replace the one that snapped.  Self-evident, really.

     

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  • 7 Reasons To Wear A Flat Cap When Borrowing A Cat Flap

    7 Reasons To Wear A Flat Cap When Borrowing A Cat Flap

    Having examined the virtues of borrowing a cat flap on Monday and a flat cap yesterday, it seems only logical to combine the two. Logical, that is, to a professor of reasoning to the tune of seven. So, here you go. Seven reasons to wear a flat cap when borrowing a cat flap.

    Cat Wearing Flat Cap
    Flat Cap Cat In Cat Flap Flap Shocker!

    1.  Doffing. Unless you are very, very old, you probably haven’t had someone doff their hat/cap/beanie/pork pie at you. Sadly, along with the ability to offer thanks when you open a door for their entire rabble, it is from another age. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to do so. In the same way that I am now pleasantly surprised if I get a thank you- or indeed a tip – when I hold open the door to the local Co-Op or Claridges, a cat flap owner would be impressed if you doffed your flat cap at them when they answered the door. Immediately this disarms them. Well done, you have broken down the barriers to the cat flap.

    2.  Pink. Obviously if you have shocking pink hair then wearing a flat cap is a necessity. Anything that alienates you from a potential cat flap sharer is a bad thing. And pink hair is such an alienator. So wear a flat cap and ignore the doffing. In many ways doffing when you have pink hair is worse than not wearing a flat cap at all. But that’s not an invitation. Wear it and keep it on. Just as a by line, personally, I don’t believe you should be allowed a cat if you have pink hair. Under the incumbent government though it is allowed so all I can do is urge you to wear a flat cap. At all times.

    3.  Association. There are five types of people who wear flat caps. Hoorays, Guy Ritchies Marc Fearns’, whippet owners and farmers. The probability of a Hooray wanting to borrow a cat flap is slim, Guy Ritchie can afford to buy one, Marc Fearns already has one and we’ll come to whippet owners in the next reason. That leaves farmers as one of only two type of people who would knock on a door and ask to borrow a cat flap. Now farmers, as I am sure we are all aware, like animals. As a result the typical cat flap owner is going to be much more receptive to a farmer’s request than they would be if it came from someone attired in pith helmet. With accompanying shotgun and elephant tusks.

    4.  Preconception. As mentioned in the previous reason, the other type of person who wears a flat cap is a whippet owner. Or, if you prefer, a whippetier. Why should it be that the flat cap is synonymous with a type of dog and not a cat? It shouldn’t. It is catist. There is no better way therefore than to challenge the flat cap/whippet association by attempting to borrow cat flaps in a flat cap. And of course, if you are successful in your pursuit of a cat flap borrowing you will then have to decide what to do with your whippet. I find listening to Delia helps.

    5.  Bargaining. If may be that the cat flap owner – particularly if they are a 7 Reasons reader – is on the look out for a flat cap to borrow. How lucky therefore that you should be wearing one. It’s the perfect exchange of goods.

    6.  Versatility. In the unlikely event that the cat flap owner declines your request you may well become desperate. You may well start begging. And of course the best way to beg is by kneeling down and placing your cap upside down in front of you. If you smell bad this would also help.

    7.  Fame. As with many of the things we encourage on 7 Reasons, this has never been done before. I can absolutely guarantee that no one in the history of the world has attempted to borrow a cat flap while wearing a flat cap. So why not be the first? This time next week you could have the front page of your local paper framed and hanging on your wall. And what a wonderful talking point that would be. “Why is this, ‘Flat Cap Wearer Harasses Cat Flap Owners’, story on your wall?” Be sure to mention us won’t you?

     

  • 7 Reasons to Replace Chickens With Flamingos

    7 Reasons to Replace Chickens With Flamingos

    1.  Flavour.  We’re all familiar with the expression, you are what you eat.  This is true; diet informs flavour.  The diet of chickens is dull.  Chickens are fed corn and grains and the sort of dreary stuff that we use to bulk-up stews and casseroles.  Flamingos eat shrimp, which are wonderfully flavoursome, and a substantial portion of their flavour comes from these.  Chickens taste dull; flamingos taste of fish, which is much, much better.  Also, as you are what you eat, which would you rather be, a chicken or a flamingo?

    2.  Health.  Most flamingos are wild and are, therefore, game.  They are free to roam and free to eat natural food.  Most chickens are not.  Eating flamingos would, consequently, be healthier than eating chickens.  It would also provide American hunters with exercise as they stalked their dinner by the lake rather than driving their pick-up trucks to the supermarket.  They would also have to camouflage themselves in pink, which would give the rest of us a laugh.

    “Billy-Bob, you’s a sissy.”

    3.  Leg.  Everyone wants the chicken leg because it’s firm:  this is because the leg is one of the few limbs that the sedentary farmed chicken exercises regularly – as a result of this, it is toned.  Flamingos spend most of their lives standing on one leg – they alternate regularly between them.  This means that flamingo legs are firmer and nicer than chicken legs.  They’re also bigger.  This will mean that sharing the leg becomes a possibility, saving mealtime arguments.  Or it will mean that you get a bigger leg, it depends how mean-spirited you are.

    4.  Milk.  You can’t milk a chicken.  You can, however, milk a flamingo.  We all know that the aisles of Waitrose are choc-full of people shopping for organic, Bermuda grass-fed, hand-reared, free-range Angora goat’s milk.  Imagine how much they’ll want the new fad  – flamingo milk.  Waitrose shoppers will be buying so much flamingo milk that they’ll probably have to fold the seats down in their Audi estates to transport it home.  They may even have to buy a second Smeg fridge to put it all in.

    5.  Farming.  Eventually, of course, the new niche popularity of the flamingo will lead to a mass-market demand for it.  This will cause flamingos to become the exotic farmers livestock of choice.  These people are usually found experimenting with farming ostriches, which will be replaced by the new glamorous avian farming fashion – the flamingo.  This is great, as I’m – justifiably – terrified of ostriches, with their cruel, murdererous eyes, their sharp, oversized talons and their menacing, powerful beaks.  I have no fear of flamingos.  They are pink.

    6.  Colour.  There are few sites in the British countryside more breath-taking than vast swathes of bright yellow rapeseed in full bloom.  With the new flamingo farms, it will be possible to stumble across fields full of pink clusters of gangly birds – all year round.  This will brighten up the landscape no end, especially at sunset.  Countryside campsites will become countryside camp sites where you’ll be able to enjoy the countryside camp sight of intense pink colours in tents (pink coloured).

    7.  Feathers.  The best feathers for stuffing pillows are goose and duck feathers.  Chicken feathers aren’t very good so they’re usually ground down and used in textiles and plastics.  Flamingos – like geese and ducks – are water-birds so, presumably, their feathers also make good stuffing for pillows.  Their colourful down would enliven pillow-fights no end.  The abundance of pink feathers would make feather boas cheaper and more commonplace which may lead to a boom in the burlesque industry.  Sadly, it would also lead to an increase in gaudy hen nights.  You don’t have too much to fear from the greater incidence of gaggles of lascivious, portly, bingo-wing-sporting harridans drunkenly cruising your local high street draped in pink feather boas though, because with your new healthier diet of flamingo, you’ll be fitter and able to run away that much faster.