Tag: Passports

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Staycate This Summer

1. One Expects Ones Presence At The Diamond Bash. In case you hadn’t noticed, our dear old Queenie will be celebrating 60 years on the throne next month. Now, before you start, I know what you’re going to say, ‘I couldn’t care less about the Royals. The only purpose they serve is as a honey-trap for nostalgia hungry tourists, desperate to relive the days of old, when the monarchy actually had any power.’ Yes, yes, cutting stuff, Mr Opinions. But think of it this way. The Queen is the second longest serving female monarch in HISTORY OF THE WORLD. If she manages another 3 or so years (which is likely, seeing as she has royally appointed medical care) she’ll overtake Queen Victoria and go down in the history books as an incredibly empowering female figure head. And after all, this will most definitely be the only diamond jubilee any of us will be alive to see.

2. London Hasn’t Hosted The Olympics Since 1948. And after this year, it’ll be a very long time before we get the privilege again. That’s not to say we aren’t doing a splendid job, but the financial implications of such a gargantuan privilege have run up a bill close to £24 billion. Since last summer’s riots tore the soul out of the city, a lot of time and resources have gone into restoring London’s international stage status, which is definitely worth experiencing. From the red swirly statue that looks like a blood clot to the ‘fantasticology’ wildflower meadows that run adjacent to the main stadium, London’s had the mother of all makeovers.

3. The Weather Will Get More Exciting, Honest. It’s been a year of radical weather. From the wettest drought on record to a truly unseasonable May, Brits are crying out for the lustre of an endless summer. We are most certainly overdue a hot one and, as much as I want to use words like ‘heat-wave’ and ‘scorcher’ and ‘BBQ summer,’ I can’t, yet. All I can say is this, with wet droughts and dry winters, something exciting is bound to happen. Worst comes to the worst, you’ll save money on sun cream and still have a fun-filled break at a Great Yarmouth Holiday Park.

4. The European Union Is Going, Going… Who knows what will happen, but there are half a dozen countries on the verge of financial collapse and a couple that have already taken the hit. Visitors to Greece, for example, have been told to expect regular strikes, demonstrations, a general threat of terrorism and tear gas at protests. This, in general, is nothing the UK hasn’t dealt with before (minus the tear gas) but tackling these situations in a foreign country can be very testing and dangerous.

5. Hey Shakey, It’s Your Birthday. Shakespeare is 400 this year, Dickens is 200, Bond is 50 and the world’s greatest food invention, the humble sandwich, is 250 years old. There’s a lot of celebrating to do, and us Brits certainly know how to party. In fact, we’re known for it.

6. No Passports Please, We’re British. You heard it here first. If you’re staying in the country that you live in, you don’t need a passport! Jubilation! Not only that, but you don’t have to bother with flights or packing or connections or foreign languages or delays or sunburn or shark attacks. It’s time to appreciate lovely, safe Britain with its familiar quirks, rich diversity and fantastic holiday parks.

7. Stephen Fry Told You To. ‘Why on earth would anyone want to go abroad in 2012? I mean, there are so many events all around the country…’ Well, if the English Treasure bids it, who I am to say otherwise?

May 19, 2012
7 Reasons That Bins Shouldn’t Have Passports

Terrible news, 7 Reasons readers. According to the UK’s Identity and Passport Service, 10,000 passports per year are thrown in bins. Probably. This – if their apparently baseless supposition – is to be believed, is an awful development. At 7 Reasons we are firmly object to bins with passports and are wholly opposed to the internationally travelling bin. Here are eight reasons why.*

1. Relationships. We don’t have wholly idyllic relationships with our bins, it has to be said. They’re generally old, ugly and a bit smelly. That aside, they don’t seem to have any great expectations of us and are generally quite happy to take any old rubbish from us (except glass, paper, cardboard, plastics, aluminium, more glass and compostables). If our bins had passports and were suddenly free to leave, we would miss them, and our gardens would probably look like this, assuming that they don’t already. In fact, hoping to god that they don’t already.

2. The Bins Might Go Somewhere Nice. Possibly Nice. Or Marseilles. And why wouldn’t bins want to go to somewhere exotic? This could lead to the world’s most popular beauty spots looking something like this.**

3. Postcards. People are rubbish at writing postcards. They’re usually bland, dull, slapdash affairs that convey little. Who’s to believe that bins would make a better job of it?

4. Bin-men. And what about bin-men? They become apoplectic with rage and petulantly start hurling rubbish and bin lids about if our bins are three feet away from where they expect to find them, let alone if they’re nine thousand miles to the left of the back gate gambling in Las Vegas or hiking in Peru. They’d be livid if they had to cross an ocean to fetch them.

I started searching Google Images for pictures of angry bin-men, then a bout of existential despair overtook me and I started looking for other, happier images. Please imagine an angry bin-man. I’m sure it won’t be too difficult.

5. Air travel. Airports will be even more hellish – if this is at all possible – if bins travel internationally. The queues at check-in and at Wetherspoon’s will be swelled by their ranks, and as for security…

Just a couple of bins at the metal detectors could cause this.

6. Mystery. And what if all the bins left Blackpool? How long would it be before anyone noticed? Years, probably.

7. Terrorism. If bins had their own passports, it could be possible for fugitives to secrete themselves within them and use them as international transportation. That could have all sorts of consequences. Could we see sights like this?

Osama Laden Bin!

7 Reasons will return tomorrow before going on holiday again for a few days. We will not be taking our bins.

*No, of course not. Only a fool would expect anything other than seven.

**Half of the 7 Reasons team thinks that Paris already looks like this.

April 27, 2011
7 Reasons To Holiday At The Airport

1. Anticipation. Getting on a plane is quite exciting. (Unless you’re going on a business trip to the middle of Russia. But let’s assume you are not). Let’s assume you are supposedly going somewhere nice. Kingston, Jamaica for example. That really is quite exciting. The thought of spending time on a beach and hanging around with people who say, ‘No problum marn’ a lot, is very exciting. Holiday-ing at an airport means you can experience this anticipation every minute of everyday.

2. Duty-Free. The airport is full of it. You can stock up on so many gifts. And let’s face it, no one can have too many AAA sized batteries or an adaptor for the electrical system in Outer Mongolia.

3. Joy. There probably aren’t many more wonderful places than the arrivals gate at an airport. Unless it’s in an airport in the middle of Russia and you are on a business trip. But you’re not are you? You are on holiday in Heathrow Terminal 5. Here you witness thousands upon thousands of people being reunited with family and friends. It’s a beautiful sight. One that makes you feel up warm and fuzzy inside. Incidentally, it is also a hotspot for the exchange of boomerangs, sombreros and ushankas.

4. Cheap Thrills. Apparently it’s actually illegal to holiday in an airport. Which makes it all the more fun to try and do it. The thrill of hiding in a cupboard in Sunglasses Hut hoping that no one will find you has no equal. I imagine it’s like having sex in a lift. But I wouldn’t know. I have always worried about what the other people in the lift would think. Especially the girl’s boyfriend.

5. Get A Job. Obviously you’d struggle to get a job in McDonald’s as you left your P45 at home, but, as Tom Hanks showed in The Terminal, there is always a bit of building work that needs doing. It’s cash-in-hand and you get to meet Catherine Zeta-Jones. Bonus.

6. Get On TV. People are always filming at airports. If they aren’t filming Paris Hilton then they will be filming a real man’s man in the form of Jeremy Spake. All you need to do is wander onto the wrong plane and suddenly he’s all over you. He could make you a star. Or make you go home. He’s like marmite.

7. Comedy. The queue for check-in is a remarkable place. On average people have to queue up for ten minutes. And in those ten minutes they check they have their passport about 40 times. Then they check their watch 50 times before looking anxiously at the departures board. Then they make sure the padlock on their suitcase is locked about 72 times. Then they get to the check-in desk and realise their passport expired three weeks ago. Oh, the look on their sorry little faces is a picture. Enjoy it.

December 10, 2009