Tag: Old

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Be Thinking About Long Term Memory Loss Now

Are you thinking about your long term memory today? You should be. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and if you wait too long you won’t have any mind left to waste. Here’s why you shouldn’t go another instant without thinking about it.

1. You Won’t Be Able to Do it Later. Once your long term memory starts to go, you will no longer have the option of thinking about your long term memory. In fact, you’ll have difficulty thinking about anything at all. Once your memory starts to go, it’s awful hard to commit to thinking about anything in particular, least of all what you can do to improve your long term memory issues.

2. Your Brain is Falling Apart. Sorry, but as soon as you hit your mid twenties your brain is already on its way out. You know how as you get older you stop caring so much about what other people think? How you march to your own beat and feel comfortable with being an oddball? You might be telling yourself that it’s because you’re not a member of the pack, that you think for yourself. In reality, it’s the brain damage. Your frontal lobe, which gives you the ability to control your actions and reign in your impulses, starts to deteriorate. Better do everything you can to slow this process down.

3. You’ll Have Trouble Using Facebook. Imagine when you are older and you try to check your Facebook status. It’s going to become really difficult because you won’t remember your password, your email address, or who your friends are. You’ll try to contact the Facebook support team but you’ll discover that they don’t exist anymore because Facebook went extinct decades ago. Oh, and that the internet is now an amorphous cloud that people navigate using their scent glands.

4. It will be 2051 Tomorrow. If you don’t start thinking about your long term memory today, you might end up a few decades in the future tomorrow. It’ll be exciting to take a trip to the future at first, but you won’t actually have the option of coming back home, and you’ll be a lot older than you are now. Everybody will keep telling you what a great person you used to be and how wise you once were, but all that knowledge will be gone and they’ll be talking about some stranger that you’ve never met. At least you’ll be able to take the credit.

5. You Won’t Be Able to Hit On Anybody Anymore. You’ll discover that most of the people you are attracted to are now several orders of magnitude younger than you are, which will make it very difficult to date them. The only upside is that you won’t be able to remember all of the rejections you face. Sadly, you may also find yourself asking somebody out on a date only to discover with horror that they are related to you.

6. You’ll Forget to Water Your Plants. And that you had them in the first place. It won’t take long before your plants start to shrivel up and die, depositing themselves on the floor. You’ll look at the mess on your floor and wonder who put it there, and why. Then you will become self conscious and wonder if you did it. Pretty soon you’ll start condemning yourself for being such a lazy slob, or worse, you’ll blame somebody else who wasn’t responsible. Then you’ll tell yourself you need to hire a maid, and forget to call them.

7. You Will Forget How to Make Bacon. Can you imagine a world without bacon? Well you won’t have trouble imagining it after you lose your long term memory, because you will be incapable of fixing it for yourself. And don’t start saying that you’ll just go to a Denny’s and ask them for bacon, because you’ll forget what bacon is. That’s right, you’ll never know the joy of having a slice of thick cut, crispy, peppered bacon. It will be gone from your memory.

Now stop, and imagine eating a piece of bacon. Notice how your mouth starts watering in anticipation. Now imagine how much you would judge somebody who saw a piece of bacon and didn’t want to eat it. That person will be you, if you don’t start thinking about long term memory issues, today.

Author bio: Brenda Ankley is an avid blogger and contributes to a number of publications, including Assisted Living Today, a leading provider of information on a variety of elder care topics such as assisted living in Iowa.

February 15, 2012
7 Reasons to buy an Austin Seven

What’s this? You’re doubtless thinking. A 7 Reasons post on a Sunday? That’s never happened before. And you’d be right (probably). But today, history has provided us with one, in the form of an Austin Seven advert from 1933. And it’s brilliant; I’m so convinced by the arguments contained within it that I want one. So here, for your entertainment, amusement and personal betterment, is the amazing advert and also a bit of an analysis.

1. “It provides the cheapest form of road travel-a penny a mile for four, all in.” This is astonishing. If you (or I) were to purchase one of these and operate it as a taxi the profits would be so vast that we’d soon be richer than Croesus. And conveniently, less dead. Less than a penny a mile!

2. “It is extremely easy to drive, easy to park.” That’s brilliant. That will save me spending ten minutes reversing and going forward in a car before saying “fuck it” and abandoning it in the middle of the road. It will also make it easy to train others to drive it (of which more later).

3. “It needs no mechanical knowledge; it is trouble-free.” It’s an everlasting car that never needs to be tinkered with. Fantastic.

4. “It is good for five, six or even more years of hard use.” Oh, so it isn’t then. Still, that’s quite a lot of use. Especially hard use. After all, it’s hard for cars to float on the sea, so for it to last five, six or even more years when being used to drive to and from France would be a good performance.

5. “It is as fully equipped and finely finished as cars three times its size.” Superb. It’s every bit as good as the Austin Twenty-One then.

6. “It is free from superfluous weight, being the lightest saloon car made-hence its unburdened power and light running costs.” Unburdened power: I like the sound of that and, even if there are costs involved in running the lights, I don’t care. I’m sold on it. I want one.

7. “It is the only baby car proved by the public for over twelve years. No other car can give you equal results.” Wait! Baby car? That’s amazing. I have a baby. I won’t even have to drive it myself! I’m going train him to drive (it’s easy to drive, remember) and put him to work as a taxi driver. Then I can sit back and wait for all of the money to come flooding in. This is going to be amazing.

*7 Reasons will return tomorrow, probably in diamond-encrusted form, with gold taps.

July 31, 2011
7 Reasons We Like Birthday Cards

Last year we provided you with seven of the finest World War propaganda posters that the world had never seen. They now exist in a very pleasant postcard collection. Today we thought we’d do the same with birthday cards. It’s a fascinating collection displaying the very finest in 7 Reasons style, humour and photoshop. Well, mostly.

1. Eyechart. Remember the good old days when your Dad could read? Yes, so do I. This card humorously reminds them that they are aging very quickly. Don’t worry, they wont find it insulting. By the time they have found their glasses they’ll have forgotten what they needed them for.

2. I Like This. Are you on facebook? Yes, of course you are. The only person who isn’t is my Mum. And good for her. It means she has more time to bake cakes and stuff. It also means she has real friends. That’s in stark contrast to the rest of us who have never actually met at least 20% of our ‘friends’. This card is ideal therefore for the social media nut in your life. It would also help if they have watched Notting Hill. And they’re a boy. You need to be a girl too. Or a male lesbian.

3. Copper Letters. This is our minimalist card. It wasn’t intentional, it’s just that these were all the letters we found down the side of the 7 Reasons sofa. Luckily for those among us who have birthdays, all the letters required to spell ‘Happy Birthday’ were present. Unfortunately we could only find a number zero and a number six. Which means this card is only really suitable for the six or sixty year-old in your life. At least you can reuse it though. Just hang on to it for fifty-four years.

4. White. Then we realised that our minimalist card wasn’t minimal enough. So this is our ist card (it’s so minimal that we could only make it more minimal by dispensing with the word minimal). Have we said “minimal” enough now? Good, we’ll stop then. This card recognises that the best cards in the shop are always the ones in which the interior is “left blank for your message” and contains the message “exterior left blank for your image” within. Printed in white. Which makes it appear even more…er…even less maximal.

5. Chess With Death. This birthday card designed specifically for the film buff references the Ingmar Bergman classic The Seventh Seal, in which an ailing knight plays a chess match against Death to prolong his life. It’s a card which accurately represents how most people over the age of thirty view birthday cards anyway, except that most people don’t even get the fun of a chess match on their “special” day. This is not a card for birthday fans.

6. Happy___Birthday. This is the only card you’ll ever need (which is something of a shame, as there’s one more to go). If you keep a stock of these at home you’re all set for every eventuality. Can’t find a card with the right age on it? No problem, there’s space for you to fill it in (to the day). Forgot the birthday and you’re sending it late? No problem, you can just tell them you meant to send it as a happy-sixty-fourth-plus-two-days card. Know someone who hates birthdays and want to stick the knife in? No problem, just send it with their age plus a hundred and eighty days, half a year after their birthday. They won’t be expecting that!

7. Deforestation. We’ve just designed a lot of cards. Well six. That’s a lot if you’ve only got five fingers. It’s also a lot of paper and, as we should all know by now, paper comes from trees. Our seventh card therefore highlights the plight of our rainforests. A greeting card that urges people to save the trees is a brilliant contradiction and one we hope will appeal to the hypocrites among you.

April 15, 2011