7 Reasons

Tag: Nonsense

  • 7 Reasons That These Proverbs are Nonsensical

    7 Reasons That These Proverbs are Nonsensical

    The word nonsense written in a classical style in red and black on a light brown background

    1.  A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  Birds are vile, horrid, cruel-eyed, pointy-beaked creatures that flap alarmingly.  Why the hell would I want such a thing in my hand?  A bird in the hand is a traumatic event.  A bird in the hand is worth thousands of pounds in therapy.  The proverb does state, correctly, that birds further away from me – in the bush – are of greater value than birds near me, which is true.  But what it doesn’t do is stress the greater desirability of no birds in the hand.  Or anywhere else.  No birds in the hand are more valuable than anything.

    2.  A rolling stone gathers no moss.  Motionless stones also gather no moss.  As do shimmying stones, stones moving up-and-down, side-to-side, in uneven circles or dancing the fandango.  Stones don’t gather moss.  In fact, stones don’t gather anything.  They just hang out in the garden or on the beach.  Not gathering things.

    3. A woman’s place is in the home.  Really?  But what if I want to use the internet undisturbed, mend bicycles in the kitchen, or break wind?  Surely the presence of a woman would hinder me.  Also, how would I have met a woman in the first place, if they were all at home?  I wouldn’t.  Unless I was related to them.  Essentially, this proverb encourages incest.

    4.  Ask a silly question and you’ll get a silly answer. Okay then.  I’m not going to dance with a cat this afternoon, what colour cat shouldn’t I dance with?

    5.  Many a mickle makes a muckle. Errr.  Okay.  You might also say that many a sparcus makes a sporcus, many a grungle makes a grongle or many a kadookle makes a kanookle.  In fact, that’s better.  I’ve improved it right there.  Now people can say that for hundreds of years for no apparent reason.

    6.  Ne’er cast a clout till May be out. No beating anyone around the head until after May.  Got it.  Head-beating season runs from June to December.  Couldn’t be clearer.  Physical assaults to the head will presumably be frowned upon from January to May (inclusive).

    7.  Oil and water don’t mix. I’m afraid that BP have successfully disproved that.  They have also been successful in eliminating a lot of birds, which helps with proverb one enormously.  Well done BP.  Solver of Bird Problems.  Bloody Priceless.  Britain’s Proud.

  • 7 Reasons Frank Sinatra Talked Nonsense

    7 Reasons Frank Sinatra Talked Nonsense

    Frank Sinatra Singing Nonsense

    1.  If I Can Make It There, I Can Make It Anywhere, It’s Up To You, New York New York. No it isn’t. A city does not decide whether you make it or not. A city is an inanimate object and therefore lacks the necessary attributes to make such a call. But if you are that desperate, try Norwich. You’ll have more luck.

    2.  She’d Never Bother, With People She’d Hate, That’s Why The Lady Is A Tramp. This does not make the lady a tramp. It makes the lady someone who uses her time wisely. Think Thatcher and Scargill.

    3.  The Way You Wear That Hat, The Way You Sip Your Tea, The Memory Of All That, They Can’t Take That Away From Me. Unless they shoot you.

    4.  I’ve Lived A Life That’s Full, I’ve Travelled Each And Every Highway. An oxymoron to begin with. And probably bollocks. That is a hell of a lot of road.

    5.  Saturday Night Is The Loneliest Night Of The Week. No, that would be Monday night. When you are desperately trying to come up with ideas for the following day’s 7 Reasons post.

    6.  I’ve Got The World On A String, I’m Sitting On A Rainbow. No, you have a microphone on a wire and you are sitting on a stool. The difference is beyond substantial.

    7.  Come Fly With Me, Let’s Fly, Let’s Fly Away. Not so much a nonsensical comment, as a ridiculous and dangerous one. Frank didn’t own a pilot’s license. I wouldn’t bloody trust him. Especially as he carried a crate of whiskey around with him.

  • 7 Reasons Owl City’s Fireflies Is Nonsense

    7 Reasons Owl City’s Fireflies Is Nonsense

    1.  “You would not believe your eyes, if ten million fireflies, lit up the world as I fell asleep.” Ten million fireflies? Seriously? Do you know how difficult that would be to organise?

    2.  “’Cause they’d fill the open air, and leave teardrops everywhere.” Erm…if a firefly cried it would just put itself out. In fact it would probably drown itself. Logic fail and animal cruelty in one sentence. Classy.

    3.  “It’s hard to say, that I’d rather stay, 
awake when I’m asleep.” Well of course it bloody is. Even the most accomplished of sleep-talkers struggle to say what they want when they are asleep. Most of them talk about cows.

    4.  “’Cause I’d get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs, as they tried to teach me how to dance.” No, no and no again. So that’s one hug from every ten bugs is it? How exactly does that work then? And what the hell happened to the other 9,990,000 fireflies? Oh, that’s right. They died in a teardrop suicide pact.

    5.  “A foxtrot above my head, a sock hop beneath my bed, a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.” What? What the hell is a sock hop? Is that the thing a newly pubescent boy uses eight times a night?

    6.  “To ten million fireflies, I’m weird ’cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell.” Yeah, not just weird to fireflies buddy. Now stop being a big tart and grow a pair.

    7.  “But I’ll know where several are, if my dreams get real bizarre, ’cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.” What is wrong with you man? You keep fireflies in a jar? Can’t you afford a lava lamp?