Tag: money

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Bonnie Scotland

Today we welcome back to the 7 Reasons sofa a man who hasn’t plumped up our cushions for quite a while. He’s a man some of you will know as Dr Beat. He’s a man others will know as Percy Jennifer. He’s a man the rest of us know put the ‘best’ into Gillette. That’s right. Ladies and gentleman the waiting is finally over. Back to the sofa, please welcome, Dr Simon Best.

Simon says: It is fast approaching the most popular holidaying month of the year (here in England anyway). Yep, it’s nearly August. Currently there’s a fashion for the ‘staycation’, many people are bored of the Balearics and fed up of Faliraki. For them then, the answer is simple. Go to Scotland. Here are seven reasons you should holiday there, especially if you live in England.

1. It Is Further From France. By sheer accident of geography England is closer to France than Scotland. This is clearly a huge point in Scotland’s favour. Regular readers of 7 reasons will know that the usual occupants of the sofa are no fans of France. One prefers Belgium and the other would prefer an open sewer – however he lives close enough to France that if he fell asleep on the 7 reasons sofa after one too many biscuits and was pushed out to sea he could float there in time for tea, as could most of Kent. This is clearly a danger to be avoided. If you holiday in Scotland you will be further from France.

2. Climate. Now you might raise an eyebrow at this as Scotland is not famed for its glorious weather and high temperatures. When I visited recently I saw sun for about two hours in an entire week, but in when you go on holiday certainty is important. You also need to be efficient in your packing and not take anything you won’t need. The Scottish climate helps no end with this. You can be certain that you won’t need shorts and you will always need a coat or if you wait until September, two coats. It is also always too windy for an umbrella which is a very good thing.

3. Scenery. Scottish scenery is quite simply breathtaking. It has everything you could want in a landscape: coastline, lochs, mountains, rolling lowlands. It is home to some wonderful wildlife: deer, beavers, eagles, wolves, bagpipers, men in kilts. Even in cities beautiful countryside is close at hand – with Arthurs seat in Edinburgh, and Pollock Country Park in Glasgow.

4. Cuisine. Scotland has a reputation as the home of unhealthy food. Chips, deep fried Mars bars, deep fried pizza, deep fried haggis, etc. This, however, is unfair. Firstly they deserve points for culinary innovation. Anyone can do a Heston Blumenthal and make egg and bacon ice cream, but taking a chocolate bar and deciding to fry it coated in a substance commonly used for battering fish requires a rare mind. Secondly, Scotland is also home to some fine produce. Salmon, Loch Fyne oysters, the finest Italian ice cream I’ve tasted outside of Rome. Okay, so you may gain weight, but if you can’t indulge when on holiday then when can you.

5. Money. One of the best things about going abroad on holiday is foreign currency. Getting funny coloured banknotes with odd people on them. It’s a trip highlight in itself. Obviously it does bring with it difficulties. Trying to do conversions in your head and accidentally tipping €50 for example. If you head to Scotland though, you get all the different colours, the different people, the odd foreign symbols, but none of the mathematical problems. Scotland is genius.

6. Midges. Scotland is famed for its midges – especially the West coast where they take over in summer in their millions. They like damp, overcast days, so no wonder they like Scotland in the summer. Visit the West of Scotland in July and you can see a lifetimes worth of midges in under a minute. Midges are horrible, bloodthirsty little creatures – literally. So why am I presenting it as a positive? Well, the main way to protect yourself from getting bitten (aside from walking round inside a net) is to drink lots of whisky and eat lots of marmite. Perfect. If you ever needed an excuse to drink industrial quantities of whisky and eat vast amounts of marmite then holidaying in Scotland is it.

7. Culture. Ever since the Scottish enlightenment (yes, it really did happen and no, it didn’t involve Billy Conolly and Rab C Nesbit), Scottish culture has led the way in Britain. While England was home to the Teletubbies, Scotland gave us the infinitely superior Balamory. When England was producing the Spice Girls, Scotland produced Belle and Sebastian. Look around the world of television, cinema, comedy, music and you see lots of brilliant, talented Scots. And Frankie Boyle.

Scotland also hosts the biggest cultural event anywhere in the United Kingdom: the Edinburgh Festivals (note the plural, there are seven of them). These are a showcase for authors, filmmakers, comedians and musicians. Okay, not all of the performers in Edinburgh are Scottish, but the diversity means that no matter where you’re on holiday from there will be something that reminds you of home. And Frankie Boyle.

July 16, 2011
7 Reasons To Take Your Own Chimenea To The Pub

It’s the post you have been waiting for since Monday! In many respects it is fate that this is being written today, for today is Andy’s 30th birthday. Now, Andy, for those of you who don’t know, got a chimenea for his birthday. I know this because I carried it to the pub on Saturday night. (That’s when he had his party). So, this post is partly inspired by my experiences of carrying a chimenea to a pub and partly inspired by the ‘7 Reasons To Take A Chimenea To The Pub’ conversation Andy and I had later that evening.

There is not one photo of a chimenea in a pub on the whole internet so this will have to do.

1. Fitness. Chimeneas are not overly heavy. The one Andy now owns is 21kg. However, they weren’t really designed to be carried for a prolonged period of time. I had to carry the chimenea about 500m. The only thing you can compare this feat to is the Atlas Stones in the World’s Strongest Man. While they have to lift a stone of 100kg, they only have to carry it about five metres. Five metres! That’s pathetic. No wonder these ‘Strongest Men’ are so fat. Start carrying a chimenea to the pub every Saturday and you will soon become a lean mean fighting machine.

2. Games. Sometimes pub-based conversation can get a little stale and with the pool table and dart board in use, a period of uncomfortable silence is just around the corner. But not if you have your chimenea with you. If you’ve been unlucky enough in the past year you may have caught the TV show, Hole In The Wall. Basically you have to manoeuvre your body into positions so that you fit through a hole. It’s not great and I advise you to avoid it. Especially if you are in the pub with your chimenea. In this situation a much better game is Chimenea Through The Gap. Level one, which involves trying to get the bloody thing through the pub door, will prove too much for many. Had it not been Andy’s 30th I would probably left it in the road and told him to go and fetch it.

3. Apologies. It’s always something that’s confused me. Non-smokers are forever apologising to smokers. “Got a light mate?” they say. “No, sorry,” you reply. If you have a chimenea with you though the conversation will go very differently. “Got a light mate?” they say. “Have I got a light? Are you blind? I’ve got my own bloody chimenea! Of course I’ve got a light,” you reply. “Oh, sorry,” they respond. Smokers apologising to non-smokers. That’s the way it should be.

4. Present. It’s happened to all of us. We’ve gone to the pub and realised that it’s our friend’s birthday. Today! You haven’t got them a present or a card. What do you do? You can’t really buy them salted peanuts all night. They’ll get suspicious. There’s only one solution. Give them your chimenea. They’ll be delighted. “Wow! I’m delighted!” they say. See, told you they’d be delighted. “The one you gave me last year is still going strong, but you can never have too many can you!”

5. Excuse. Maybe you have a partner who doesn’t like you going to the pub all the time. Maybe you get home one night and they are there; standing in the hall; arms crossed; brow furrowed. “Been in the pub again have you?” they ask tersely. “Nope,” you reply. “I haven’t been in a pub for weeks.” And you aren’t lying. Ever since you bought that chimenea you have sat outside the pub keeping warm while sending your mates in to get the drinks.

6. Witches. I’m not the biggest Halloween fan. If I wanted to see four witches cackling I could watch Loose Women. The good thing about having a chimenea on your person on October 31st is that you can burn every single witch that enters the pub that night.

7. Earn While You Burn. Occasionally the work experience boy will flick a switch in the local power station and the pub will go into complete darkness. Well, nearly. The light that is available is coming from your chimenea. It’s also the only source of heat. Which is when you whip out the sausages and start selling hot dogs to all and sundry. If it looks like the flames are about to die, just stick a chair leg in there. No one will notice. It’s dark.

June 15, 2011
7 Reasons Sepp Blatter Must Go (Now)

Today, Sepp Blatter will be re-elected as FIFA President. That is all kinds of wrong. As this video aptly demonstrates.

June 1, 2011
7 Reasons That Having A Baby Can Be Hard On A Man
It’s Saturday. Or, as we call it around these parts, Richard O’Hagan Day. You see Richard, apart from being a fine writer, is on a mission. A mission to become the third permanent member of the 7 Reasons team. He may not have mentioned it out loud, he may not even realise it himself, but given the sheer number of O’Hagan works we have in the 7 Reasons ‘to be published’ vault, his sub-conscious wants it. Badly. Just take a look at these figures that show the origins of submissions and their associated percentages.
- USA – 28%
- UK – 23%
- Australia – 5%
- France – 3%
- Canada – 2%
- Pakistan – 2%
- India – 2%
- South Africa – 1%
- Muppetville – 1%
- Richard O’Hagan – 33%
Exactly. Incredible. And rather disturbing. Which is a shame really because the writer of The Memory Blog isn’t disturbing at all. He’s a great writer with lots of useful advice. Which he will now aptly demonstrate.

Three Men And A Byron

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It is something along the lines of “He’s a man (allegedly). He knows nothing about how hard it is to have a baby. How DARE he try and offer an opinion on this.”

To which all I can say is, bear with me*, ladies. There’s a point to all of this. I am a father. Marc of this parish has just become father to The Legendary Byron Sebastian Fearns. And Jon has just got engaged, which means that fatherhood is marching towards him with the grim inevitability of a giant spider with a particularly juicy fly snared in its web. There are some serious points which he needs to be aware of, as do any men out there without issue. There’s a big temptation to think that the difficult bit comes around nine months before the birth, but that’s not the case. Once the baby arrives, life is hard for a man.

1. Being a Role Model. You’ve spend the last few decades of your life belching, breaking wind and yelling when you want to. Sorry, but there’s someone else in the house to do that now. Your role is now to be a positive role model for the child, which means an end to coming home bladdered at 3am and trying to make toast using the DVD player, no popping out to the shops and vanishing for three days, and absolutely no supporting Manchester United. (Unless your offspring will be Charlie Sheen’s grandson, in which case you’ve a family tradition to maintain. And even Charlie draws the line at the last thing).

2. Expense. Everyone says that babies are expensive. They’re not. It will be years before they crash your car, or you need to bail them out. People who look after babies, on the other hand, really are expensive. You will find yourself forking out hundreds of pounds a month just so that you can go to work to earn the money to pay the people who look after your child whilst you go to work. It is a cycle more vicious than the one that resulted in a baby in the first place.

3. Pain. Once your female partner has given birth, nothing on this earth is going to convince them that you are enduring any kind of pain whatsoever. The Black Knight in ‘Monty Python & The Holy Grail’ wasn’t brave, he just knew that he was never going to convince his Lady that having all of your limbs lopped off justified reaching for the Aspirin. Being a father means never being able to complain of a hangover again.

4. Language. Whilst we are at it, you might as well brace yourself for the fact that ladies in labour are not always the politest, and that you may be about to learn a few new words. All of them directed at you and several of them anatomically improbable.

5. Empathy. For many years, you and the prospective mother of your prospective child have lived in harmony, anticipating each other’s needs and desires. Having a baby will put an end to all of that. There are two questions that you should never ask a woman in labour, and one of them is “How does it feel?”** You should never ask this question, because you will receive an answer which puts you in the one situation in which you are unequipped to empathise. The answer is “Like the worst period pain ever”***

6. In-Laws. If you produce a baby, your in-laws will visit. Need I say more?

7. Space (Lack Thereof). You might be thinking that the saying that babies might be small but they need a lot of stuff is some sort of urban myth. There are certainly many urban myths about having a baby and you’d be right to disregard them**** but not this one. Work might expand to fill the time available, but nothing beats the rule which says that baby stuff expands to fill the space available. There’s a great temptation to think that you can get around this by moving to a bigger house, but it won’t work. There will still be stuff everywhere. And what is more, you’ll have to work more hours to pay the bigger mortgage, meaning you need more childcare, meaning that you need to work harder to pay for the childcare, and so on until death, really.

On the other hand, children are great fun and the hardship is well worth it. Yes, even the bits where she swears at you.

*I said bear WITH ME, not ‘bear down’. Stop it! Now! Think of the carpets!

**You’re not old enough to know the other one

***There’s actually a question on Facebook which says ‘Which hurts more, having a baby or a kick in the testicles’, which has only been answered by bigots and idiots. And the teenage daughter of a friend of mine, who has experience of neither.

****Disregard any books you might be given, too. The babies can’t read them and so have no idea what to do
May 7, 2011
7 Reasons Twitrelief Is For Twits

Today sees the launch of Twitrelief, a fundraising event for Comic Relief. While I, of course, applaud anyone who spends time raising funds for good causes I can’t help but question what this event has to offer. In a nutshell, people can bid to have a ‘celebrity’ follow them on twitter for a bit. That’s it. A ‘celebrity’ will follow you on twitter. Now, maybe it’s me, maybe I’m cynical, but I just don’t get this celebrity thing. They are just people. Like you and me. So what’s the fascination? Wouldn’t you be happier having someone follow you who wants to read your views on Hob-Nob dunking technique? Judging by the number of bids already in, no you wouldn’t. But that’s really irrelevant. My real issue here is with what the Superfollow – that’s the reward – entails. It’s not much. Which makes all you bidders twits. Absolute twits. Here’s why:

1. Follow Duration. The ‘celebrity’ will follow the highest bidder for a period of 90 days, after which it is up to them whether they wish to continue following or cut the winner form their lives completely. Just imagine how this is going to make the bidder feel. The bidder won’t be able to concentrate for 90 days. All they will be thinking is, ‘Does Fearne Cotton think I’m interesting?’ And then on that 90th day you find out in the cruelest way possible. You slowly scroll down your followers list to see if she’s still there. Only a twit would put themselves through that anguish.

2. Retweet. Part of the package includes the ‘celebrity’ retweeting one of your twitter updates. Just one, in the 90 days. I have two problems here.

One: Surely it goes against the purpose of twitter. The retweet function is for people to pass on things they find interesting, not for Alexandra Burke to retweet winning bidder Susan’s update, ‘gotta luv kfc! lol!’

Two: If the idea of a ‘celebrity’ retweeting your update compels you to bid, you must be a very boring person. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. You are a very boring person who writes very boring updates. Boring updates that no one will ever want to retweet. Not even your own mother. That is why the retweet has become your goal. Your aim. It’s what you live for. The idea of someone retweeting your update thrills you. It’s like the yacht syndrome. I would love a yacht. The longer I go without one, the more I want one. And it hurts not having one. Still, at least I don’t write boring twitter updates. Boring 7 Reasons posts yes, but not boring twitter updates.

3. A Mention. The final part of the package is a mention in a tweet from a ‘celebrity’. What the hell do you have to bid for this for? Just get on twitter and send them a message. They might reply. If they do donate a fiver to Comic Relief. Why not? You would have spent £2,000 on it.

4. Added Bonuses. Thankfully some of the ‘celebrities’ have realised that just following someone for a bit is largely a pathetic reward. So they’ve added a few bonuses into the bargain. Some are quite cool. If you win Neil Tennant for example, you’ll also get his keyboard. Some though, are questionable. Ruby Wax for example. I have always found her questionable, but that has now been exacerbated by what she is offering in addition to the Superfollow. You get to watch her having botox. An event someone currently thinks is worth £102. What is wrong with you? Get some help!

5. Richard Curtis. ‘The Boss’ – not my words, theirs – is not even on twitter. But, he will join just to follow you. So let me work this out. He’s not on twitter so he doesn’t have any followers. Which means when he joins he will retweet your tweet to no one. He’ll also mention you in a tweet. A tweet that will be seen by no one. Apart from you and him. Between you and me, I think you’d be much better off paying all your followers 50p to big you up for the day.

6. Twittish Logic. I didn’t have to write this post. This post could have been called, ‘7 Reasons Twitrelief Is For Geniuses.’. But it’s not. And it’s not because I haven’t seen any evidence of genius bidding yet. All I’ve seen is twittish bidding. If you have a half a brain cell you should be able to work out that when the bidding page says, ‘this celebrity will become your new best friend,’ they are talking absolute bollocks. Of course they aren’t. They will follow you, do your retweet, give you a mention, then dump you. Which is why you must use the opportunity wisely. So here is a piece of 7 Reasons advice right from our hearts. Ignore who the celebrity is, concentrate on the numbers. How many people are they being followed by? Richard Bacon has the most followers by far. Nearly one and a half million. A genius would bid for him in the knowledge that he would generate more publicity for them. They wouldn’t, for example, bid for McFly who have just a meagre 120,000 followers. But being twits of course, McFly’s bid is over £500 and Bacon’s is £45. And he probably bid that himself.

7. Because 7 Reasons Are Not Involved And Quite Frankly We Offer A Better Package. That’s right, we reckon we are a much more attractive prospect than all those ‘celebrities’. And our package is bigger too. Which is why you can now bid for us. Just head over to eBay to bid on the 7 Reasons Non-Twitrelief Superfollow Auction. Rest assured we will give all proceeds to Comic Relief. Thanks for your support.

March 10, 2011
7 Reasons To Act Like A Lion (Today)

I doubt it has escaped your notice, but if it has, let me be the first to tell you that it is now March. Well done us. We made it. And to celebrate I feel it would be appropriate to adhere to the idiom that states, ‘March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb’. Or at least the first part of it. I think we can all agree that it would be impractical to go out like a lamb before one has even attempted to come in like a lion. So today, and only today (and all subsequent March 1sts) I urge you to act like a lion. Here’s why:

1. Roaring. Everyone has times when they just want to roar in the face of someone. We have held back though because it is not correct etiquette. But what if you were acting like a lion? When a lion gets annoyed he roars or eats you. I have consulted the 7 Reasons lawyers and apparently we could find ourselves in trouble if we advocate – even humorously – Hannibal-style activity. Roaring is fine though. So this is your excuse. If there is someone out there who annoys you, walk up to them quietly and then roar in their face. It doesn’t even matter if you spray a little saliva. That is what lions do.

2. No Cooking Required. Lions eat raw meat. I need not explain this further.

3. Hair. No doubt someone will comment on this post in the many months to come and tell me that I haven’t done my research and in fact lions take great pride in their appearance. Until that eventuality occurs however, I will categorically state that lions are not in the least bit vein. They are quite happy to let their hair grow long and wild. So today, you don’t need to use that comb. Or that razor. Or that waxing strip. Just let it all hang out.

4. Sponsorship. If you don’t tell anyone the reason you are acting like a lion – and they haven’t read this post (a very strong possibility) – you could be in the money. If I see someone wandering around the office acting like a lion, I immediately assume they are doing it for charity. In theory this should probably be my second thought after, ‘what the bloody hell is that person doing in my lounge?’, but anyway, we’ll ignore that. So, if someone offers you 50p, don’t refuse and tell them about 7 Reasons, just take it. I reckon you could earn £20 just by roaring every half hour. Easy money.*

5. Economy. I know this is a regular theme in my posts, but it is a serious matter. We must find a way to stimulate the economy. Given that none of you assisted Marc and I in our bid to trick or treat our way out of the recession last year, I can only hope you will finally see sense and help us ‘lion’ our way out of the mess we currently find ourselves in. It’s a novel approach I admit, but desperate times call for innovative thinking. Hire a lion outfit for the day. It’ll only cost you £12 and more than likely keep you warm and snug for a full twenty-four hours. The fancy-dress market will receive a massive boost of £372,000,000 overnight which they can use to increase costume manufacture. Increased costume manufacture means more jobs. More jobs means more people with disposable income. More disposable income means more fancy dress outfit hires. It’s a beautiful circle. So let’s do this. Go to your local fancy-dress shop and hire that outfit. For the love of Britain, please.

6. Wales. Today is St. David’s Day in the Principality and what better way to celebrate than by acting like a lion, an animal that features on both the Royal Coat of Arms of England and Scotland? Exactly

7. In The Jungle Flash Mob. I’m not a fan of flash mobs especially when I get stuck in the middle of them in Trafalgar Square and end up singing along to Hey Jude, but I do feel a mass flash mob where we are all dressed as lions and perform In The Jungle could be particularly good for the soul. Something like this. Without the animated Hippo and Dog obviously. Or maybe with. TBC.

Make sure you come back on March 31st to read, ’7 Reasons To Act Like A Lamb’.

*Just a friendly reminder that our cut is 15%.

March 1, 2011
7 Reasons Pablo Picasso’s La Lecture Is Not Worth £25M

Last night, Pablo Picasso’s alleged masterpiece, La Lecture, sold at Sotherby’s for just over £25M. Twenty. Five. Million. Pounds. Now, I know art is subjective, but how?! There is so much wrong with it. So much. Let’s start with seven:

1. Lines. Seriously, if I had paid £25M for a painting I would at least expect the artist to be able to draw a straight line. I assume – which given the state of this picture is probably a dangerous thing to do – that the thing behind this girl is a chair. Well what the bloody hell is going on with the top of it? If you struggle to line things up get a ruler. And rulers did exist in 1932. I’ve checked.

2. Perspective. This picture would make much more sense if we could only see one half of the girl’s face. Instead of that we have something that clearly inspired the formation of gypsies.

3. Nose. Good gracious it’s a big one. Too big I would wager. The bridge of one’s nose usually ends in line with the eyes, this poor girl’s nose ends somewhere at the top of her forehead. Which raises two questions. One, is this an accurate portrayal of the young girl? Two, if it is why on earth wouldn’t Picasso have chosen someone better looking? You may think I am shallow for saying that, but paintings do not have personality. They simply don’t. And anyone who says, “I just adore the personality of this piece,” is a prick.

4. Neck. The last time I saw a neck like this, Gladstone Small was playing for England. I am beginning to wonder if Picasso really did like this girl? The big freak.

5. Breast. That’s right, just the one. At least I assume it’s supposed to be a breast. It might well be a ring doughnut. Or a bagel. Or perhaps the fire alarm fell off the wall. I know art is supposed to leave something to the imagination, but this takes the biscuit. Ooh, perhaps it’s a Jammie Dodger.

6. Time + Materials. I think that is a fair way to establish how much a painting is worth. So let’s have a look at La Lecture. These are only rough calculations, but I would guess the following: Time spent painting = eight minutes. Cost of crayons = £3.49. A brilliant artist could probably get away with charging £2,500/hour. Judging by the above, I would say Picasso could get away with charging £2.50/hour. So I reckon La Lecture is probably worth about £3.82. That’s about £25M less than it sold for. It’s a difficult one to explain to the wife.

7. Morals. I question the morality of the buyer here. This painting depicts the image of Marie-Therese Walter, Picasso’s 17 year old extramarital lover. That’s not right. In fact it’s wrong. If Picasso wanted to get his end away with a teenage girl he could at least have had the decency to divorce his wife first. There is no excuse for sleeping behind people’s backs. And, judging by the expression on Walter’s face that is exactly what had happened about five minutes before Picasso whipped out the crayons. By allowing the sale of this painting for £25M what are we saying? It’s okay to sleep around so long as you produce a bunch of distorted lines afterwards? Sad times.

February 9, 2011
7 Reasons The World Needs To Hear From Mrs Morris More

Last week I had the pleasure of catching the end of Rip Off Britain. It’s a show, as far as I could tell, in which Gloria Hunniford, Jennie Bond and Angela Rippon go around the country hearing stories of mass rip off. Despite thinking it should actually have been called Rippon’s Rip Off, the ten minutes I saw were some of the most enlightening minutes in my life. You see, Gloria had gone to visit a little old lady called Mrs. Morris. She was having problems with her phone package and needed help. (Mrs. Morris, not Gloria. Gloria’s got a great package. I expect). Anyway, having shared her woes with us, Mrs. Morris gave the humble viewer some advice. Well, I say ‘advice’, it was more a mantra to living. This is what she said. You can’t really argue with that can you. “If you are paying for broadband and you haven’t got it, don’t pay it.” Genius. Just genius. I’m not suggesting that we should try and make Mrs. Morris, Dame Morris, but I certainly think she should be given her own platform from which she can share her wise words with more of us. We need her in our lives. We need to hear from her more. Here’s why:

1. Love. Many people have been there. Not us, we’re clean. But other people. Other people have been there. They’ve been lonely. They’ve been horny. They’ve got on the phone and ordered a pizza and a prostitute. They’re vulnerable. These people need Mrs. Morris. They need Mrs. Morris telling them, “If you are paying for sex and they’ve finished before the hour’s up, don’t pay for it.”

2. Health. Getting fit always sounds like a good idea. You buy a new pair of trainers, you create a workout playlist, you sign-up to Nike+. Despite this though, nothing seems to be improving. And this is when you need Mrs. Morris telling you, “If you are paying for gym membership but you are getting fatter, actually go to the gym.”

3. Family. In this day and age you have to be very careful. There are some very weird people out there. If we had Mrs. Morris to listen to though – and we followed her advice – we’d be fine. “If someone knocks on the door and claims to be your Dad, make sure it is the same man you said ‘goodbye’ to earlier that day.”

4. Friends. Most of us had to suffer from ‘Mum jokes’ once or twice when we were at school. They weren’t big and they weren’t clever. Well, my friend’s mums weren’t. I don’t think anything annoyed me more than jokes about my mum. One friend in-particular used to make them on a constant basis. If Mrs. Morris had been there though, I could have thought about it rationally, “If your friend calls your mum a MILF, you’ll know your friend is a lesbian.” And she was. Probably still is.

5. Religion. One of the few things each and everyone of us have in common is that we have all been the recipients of an email from an African orphan. Some people ignore it, some people read it and ignore it, some people read it and reply for fun, some people read it and get their bank card out. It is really the latter that require the wisdom of Mrs. Morris, “If a Nigerian you have met on the internet says it is ‘God’s Will’ that you pay him an administrative fee so he can pay £10 Million into your account, make sure you keep copies of your emails.”

6. Politics. I’m not going to tell you which political party I used to canvas for – you can probably guess – but I copped a bit of abuse if I chose the wrong house door to knock on. It took me a year to realise that, while the abuse was tad harsh, what I was doing was bloody annoying. What the hell did it have to do with me who they wanted to vote for? So I stopped. I wish Mrs. Morris had been there though. Telling the unsuspecting bloke whose driveway I was marching up, “When this guy asks you who you are thinking about voting for, tell him you don’t watch Pop Idol and slam the door in his face.” It would have been much better for my morale.

7. Gardening. I can’t remember how many it is, but we lose many brain cells each day. Under such circumstances it is no wonder we forget things. We need Mrs. Morris to replace our brain cells. Reminding us to check things, “If you are paying for a gardener and you can’t remember if you have a garden, look out of your window.” That sort of thing. I once forgot I didn’t have a chair. I ended up lying across someone’s scampi and chips. Mrs. Morris could have prevented this. She really could.

January 24, 2011
7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

1. They’re Memorable. Wait. What. Huh? Never mind people remembering where they were when they heard that Kennedy had been shot by Lee Harvey Oswald/spooks on the grassy knoll/a Wisconsin bear hunter’s epic and unfortunate ricochet. Never mind people remembering where they were when Diana had been killed in a traffic accident/sinister Prince Philip-backed plot/returning of his angel to heaven by Jesus. Those events have now been overshadowed by our own epoch-defining memorable moment. Henceforth, we will all remember where we were when we heard the rumour that Darren Bent was leaving Sunderland for Aston Villa for £18 million.

2. They’re Shocking. ”Eighteen million pounds!”, I exclaimed as I spat my morning espresso at my laptop. “Darren Bent!”. “Eighteen million pounds!”. And suddenly my previously sleeping cat appeared by my side, staring at me, with a curious expression on his face and his ears pricked. And then it dawned on me. The shock of the news had caused me to say “Eighteen million pounds” in a voice so high that it shocked my cat. A voice so high that out of the two of us, only he could hear it. A voice so high that Keith Richards on the seventh day of a bender in an opium den would have to gaze upward to see it. Using a telescope.

3. They’re Incomprehensible. After a bit of a lie down, during which my voice fell back down to Earth from the upper ionosphere and my cat got on with some urgent dozing, I tried to digest the news. Nope. It doesn’t compute. There is nothing about this news that isn’t baffling and incomprehensible, and I’m married to a woman and live in Yorkshire, so I’m one of the world’s foremost authorities on baffling and incomprehensible.

4. The Money. Eighteen million pounds, to be exact (I may have already mentioned this). Now eighteen million pounds isn’t what it used to be. Time was when eighteen million pounds could probably buy you a Premier League winning squad, but those days are gone and with Manchester City paying silly money for every world-class player out there, transfer fees are currently sky-high. But Darren Bent isn’t a world-class player, and Man City aren’t trying to buy him (they already have Jo) so how in all the name of all that is holy can anyone justify paying eighteen million pounds for Darren Bent? Darren Bent! He was overpriced at sixteen and a half million when he signed for Spurs four years ago and he looked a better player back then with more potential. How is he one and a half million pounds better now? We’ve all seen the sitter he famously missed against Portsmouth and yes, Sandra Redknapp could have scored it. With her eyes closed. How can a club that didn’t back its previous manager with transfer funds at the start of the season now justify spending eighteen million pounds now. On Darren Bent? Rafael van der Vaart has been the best signing in the Premier League this season and he only cost eight million. Is Darren Bent ten better than van der Vaart? Really?

5. It’s Aston Villa. Last season, a move to Villa would have looked like a step-up for Darren Bent. But this season Steve Bruce has got Sunderland playing fantastic football (except against Newcastle) and they’re an improving squad in the hunt to get European football next year. And Darren Bent is an integral part of the first team. Villa, on the other hand, are hovering alarmingly above the relegation zone and are fielding a team half full of old men and children every match; it’s a bit like the home team in Berlin in 1945, except that they’re managed by Gerard Houllier. Why would anyone want to change to that side?

Is this a logical move?

6. It’s Greedy. The only thing that can possibly be motivating this move from the top of the Premier League to the bottom is money. It can’t be to improve his game by working with Houllier and it doesn’t seem likely that he wants to return to the Championship, so it must be solely for the money. But it’s not as if he’s earning a pauper’s wage, he’s a Premier League football player! How much more money can he possibly need? There can’t have been avarice on this scale since…well, okay…it happens every day, but outside of banking and parliament, there can’t have been such a naked example of greed since the dawn of time. Or perhaps earlier.

7. Breaking News. As I’ve been writing this the fee has changed. Now it’s twenty four million pounds! It’s gone up. Now he’s three times better than van der Vaart. In fact, Fernando Torres only cost Liverpool twenty million. So Darren Bent is now better than Fernando Torres. I give up! This can’t be real, I’m just going to assume that it’s all some sort of strange dream and hope that when I wake up this whole story isn’t here. There’s no place like home…There’s no place like home…

January 18, 2011
7 Reasons That I Won’t Be Sending My Christmas Cards Until Christmas Eve

It’s almost Christmas and one of the aspects of the festival that I hate the most is writing Christmas cards. But I’ve come up with a cunning plan for dealing with them. This year, I won’t be sending any Christmas cards out until Christmas Eve. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Space. When you’re buying your stamps or posting your cards, the post office on Christmas Eve is a far more convivial atmosphere than the post office on December 18^th. When I’m posting my cards tomorrow, I’m going to be alone, with just the post office staff wearing their Santa hats and antlers, and eating their mince pies, (which they’ll probably share with me). And, instead of being stuck in a long mazy queue of grey people coughing, I’m going to have space to stretch my arms out and spin around. And that’s what I’m going to do; just because I can. And because it’s less cruel than swinging a cat.

2. Time. Leaving the cards until the last minute will have other benefits too. Had I written my cards early I’d have spent lots of time writing them out neatly, but I didn’t do that this year, and now that Christmas Eve is almost upon us, I’m doing the Christmas cards as a rush job. So that’s a lot less time that I’ve spent writing cards: Time that I was able to use more productively. I didn’t obviously, I spent it mulling things and playing Angry Birds. I also photoshopped a hat onto the statue of liberty. But it’s still time saved.

3. Inclusivity. It’s more inclusive if I send my cards on Christmas Eve. After all, I’m notoriously forgetful, but I know who I’ve received a card from because there’s a bushel of them in the living room. Or a gross. Or a flock (I have no idea how quantities of cards are measured), so it’s easy enough for me to work out who’s sent them and reply. So if you’ve sent me a card, you’ll get one in return: And if you haven’t, then you won’t. Obviously if anyone else is using the same system as me then that’s unfortunate, but if they are, that would benefit the…

4. Environment. That the Christmas cards I’ve sent won’t be received until after Christmas is good for the planet. Because no one sends out a Christmas card after Christmas, so people won’t send out any cards in reply to mine. So there’ll be less wasted paper, and I’ll have less recycling to do in January. Which is great, as the first recycling day of the New Year is usually like some sort of glass-themed labour of Hercules, but without Hercules and starring me instead.

5. Blame. And no one even need know that their cards weren’t sent until Christmas Eve (unless they’re reading this. Damn) because what’s the default opinion on the Royal Mail in this country? It’s that they’re hapless and inefficient. That’s not strictly true. Most of the time, they’re dedicated people doing a fine, and quite thankless, job, but they’ll automatically get the blame for the tardy arrival of my cards anyway. But that’s their problem and I don’t mind using it to my advantage. After all, I’ve never been stupid enough to change my name to Consignia and they have.

6. How To Win Friends And Influence People. When no card arrives before Christmas, friends, family and acquaintances will probably think “The bastard! He hasn’t sent us a folded over piece of paper with a picture of a fat, bearded man on the front and some illegible scrawl within! How could he do this to me?” But then, when the card turns up a few days after Christmas (“bloody post office”) they’ll feel loved and wanted again. And they’ll feel bad for thinking ill of me, which they’ll probably compensate for by being even more well-disposed toward me than usual. So if I keep doing this every Christmas, people will eventually feel so much affection for me that they will probably erect statues of me when I’m in my old age. I could get canonized! I could become the next Princess Diana!*

7. Finances. I won’t need to buy cards until the last minute, by which time I’ll know exactly how many I need. So none will be wasted. So I’ll be saving money. That’s money that I can spend on other Christmas things like candles that get brought out once a year that nobody ever lights, or those owl baubles that my wife saw (because nothing says Christmas more than a rodent-terrorising bird of prey hanging from a tree). By leaving the cards until the last moment, I’m going to be better off financially, and I’m going to benefit in many, many other ways too. I’m a genius! A mean genius. I’m a meanius!

*But my mother-in-law won’t be on the stamps.

December 23, 2010