Tag: Marc Fearns

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Wear A Two-Piece Swimsuit Over a One-Piece

Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by Susan Bodack. Susan is a blogger for Beauty & the Beach, a swimwear and fashion blog by InStyleSwimwear.com. It will come as no surprise, then, that her guest post is all about that most puzzling of conundrums. What kind of swimsuit to go for.

When many women hear the words “two-piece swimsuit,” panic starts to set in and confidence levels start to drop. I’m here to tell you that everything you think you know about two-pieces is probably wrong. You don’t have to be a supermodel or even freakishly good looking to wear one. Regardless of your size or body type, you should opt to wear a two-piece swimsuit over a one-piece. Sorry fellas, this post is strictly for the ladies. But you can thank me later. 🙂

1. Show Off That Bikini Bod (Or Lack Thereof). As I mentioned in the intro, you don’t have to be flawless to look flawless in a two-piece swimsuit. Lucky for us ladies (myself included) there are different types of two-pieces besides those skimpy string bikinis. For those who are in shape and have spent months perfecting that bikini bod for summer, a two-piece bikini gives you an excuse to show off that hard-earned body. But for those who are a bit more athletically-challenged, a tankini-style two-piece swimsuit may be more your style.

2. Tan Lines Are NOT Sexy. The jury’s in, ladies. Tan lines are NOT sexy. Unless you’re into nude beaches, tan lines are pretty much inevitable during summer; but the less you have, the better. A two-piece swimsuit exposes more of your skin than a one-piece, whether you’re wearing a skimpy bikini or a tankini. And with tankinis, you can still pull your top up a bit to let your stomach see the light of day, which I highly recommend. Two-Piece Tan > Farmer’s Tan > One-Piece Tan.

3. Going Pee Is Easy as 1, 2, 3! If you’ve ever worn a one-piece, you know that something so simple as going to the bathroom can become quite the hassle. Unlike one-pieces, a two-piece swimsuit makes going pee as easy as 1, 2, 3. With two-pieces, you don’t have to practically get undressed in the stall just to do your business. Some may argue that there are ways around it but let’s not get inventive and make things harder for yourself for no good reason.

4. Swimsuit Weather is Hot. Duh. When it comes time to bust out the swimsuits, you know it’s pretty hot out. When you go to and from the beach, pool or wherever your watering hole may be, chances are you probably just throw on your cover-up. A two-piece swimsuit feels more like typical undergarments and less like a layer of clothing, and during the hot and humid weather, you want to have as little on as possible… without getting arrested.

5. Next Best Thing… Let me just start off by saying that I DO NOT condone public nudity. Now that I got that disclosure out of the way, wearing a two-piece swimsuit is definitely the next best thing to being naked. Let’s be honest—we all walk around in the buff from time to time in the privacy of our own homes. It gives us a sense of freedom. Sure, there are some nude beaches around, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that the majority of us prefer public beaches. A two-piece swimsuit allows you to expose yourself without actually exposing yourself.

6. Wax On, Wax Off. No, I’m not referring to Mr. Miyagi’s words of wisdom, but rather a good old-fashioned bikini wax. I know what you’re thinking. Bikini waxes are no fun. But you know what they say… No pain, no gain! Despite what you may think, everyone needs some maintenance down there, whether you’re a man or woman. Since wearing a two-piece swimsuit exposes more of your body than a one-piece, it’s the perfect excuse to go get waxed. It’s one of those necessary evils and I promise it’s not that bad. And I’m sure your significant other will greatly appreciate it.

7. Um, Excuse me, Grandma? Whether you’re a one-piece or two-piece swimsuit wearer, you can’t deny that one-pieces tend to get the short end of the stick; there’s less of a selection, they’re always done in boring dark solid colors, there’s less variety in styles and well, they’re just not at pretty as two-piece swimsuit styles. We all know that once you hit a certain age, gravity starts to take its toll on certain, ahem, features. Celebrate your body while you’ve still got it going on. Whether you’re stick skinny or curvalicious, always choose a two-piece swimsuit. Save the one-pieces for grandma.

November 18, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Bathroom Needs Renovating

Like most men, we take the 7 Reasons bathroom for granted. We don’t spend very long in there (certainly not together) and very rarely do we have a conversation about it. Today, though, that might have to change. Because today Stephanie Staszko is on the 7 Reasons sofa and Stephanie has just had a look at our bathroom. To be entirely honest, she wasn’t that impressed. According to her, it’s time for a change. And if your bathroom looks anything like the below, it’s probably time you got the builders and plumbers in too. Right, after the photo, it’ll be Stephanie.

This may (or may not) be the 7 Reasons bathroom

Everyday your bathroom burdens your life that little bit more, maybe it’s the pink bathtub fresh out of the 1970s that makes your blood boil? Or perhaps it’s the sink that refuses to accept water to flow down the plughole and so regurgitates it with tufts of hair? If you really want a bathroom makeover – but can’t find a good enough reason to splash the cash – here are a few 7 reasons to justify the expense…

1. The Toilet Seat of Doom. Everyone’s had that moment, when you’re desperate for the toilet and when you finally get there, you place your behind on the seat in satisfaction and release an “aaahhh”. But in some unfortunate circumstances this is closely followed by a sideways jolt, a skip of the heartbeat and the realisation that you could slowly be disappearing down the pan. If this sounds like your daily bathroom experience it’s time for a new toilet seat!

2. Mirror, Mirror On The Wall… Mirrors gather dirt and grime over time, making their visibility slowly deteriorate. If you find that you’re starting to look somewhat more attractive on a Monday morning it’s time for either an eye test or to replace that deceiving bathroom mirror. After all, you’re only kidding yourself!

3. Tap Dancing. Over excitable bathroom taps revel in your embarrassment. No matter how carefully you approach turning that handle to release a steady flow, the tap unleashes an almighty gush of water, destined only for one area: your crotch. As you leave the house displaying what resembles a bladder problem, it’s time you realised new taps could actually improve your social life.

4. Shower Power. After a hard day’s work you feel grimy and groggy, so what could possibly be more refreshing than a shower? That would be a hard question to answer if your shower head didn’t have a personal vendetta against your eyeball. As you turn on the spray and expect a warming sensation, you’re greeted unexpectedly with a powerful gush that ruins your retina. The perfect reason for a new bathroom – you don’t want to wind up blind.

5. Posterior Pincher. It seems toilet seats have a lot in common with sea creatures – particularly crabs. These toilet seats are particularly nasty as they trap the skin on your buttocks as you sit, sending you shooting into the air with the sharp pain of the pinch. One of these times it WILL result in a nasty accident.

6. Banana Skin Bathtub. Much like the slapstick comedies, the bottom of your bathtub can mimic the effect of stepping on a banana skin. Even if you’ve yet to be seriously injured by a slip, the fact that your stomach pretty much ends up in your mouth from every near death experience says that your bathroom suite’s a health hazard.

7. The Toe-Breaker. If you’ve tried your hand at DIY by hanging your own towel rail you may realise your toes could be in jeopardy. As you lift your towel with the utmost care so as not to dislodge the rail a sense of fear creeps over you as the rail ever-so slightly drops. If you’re considering wearing steel toe-capped boots for each bathroom venture then your towel rail needs replacing.

After reading this you’re probably too scared to ever step foot in your bathroom again. But fear not, bathroom suites which are correctly installed can actually be rather enjoyable to use. Get that toilet repaired and take your newspaper for some quiet, thinking time.

November 11, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go Skiing

For many the very idea of leaving the house during the winter months is a baffling one. The idea of venturing out into even colder conditions of snow and ice may have you diving under your duvet. The idea of strapping two planks of fibreglass to your feet and sliding down a steep slope might raise your pulse to a level that would alarm your doctor. But on the other hand the idea of a ski chalet nestled somewhere in the mountains is an inviting one…here are 7 reasons to go skiing.

1. Fun On Snow-Covered Slopes. To ski you need two things: snow and slopes. The UK isn’t blessed with an enormous amount of either ingredient, so going skiing forces you to travel to at least the North of Scotland – which may well be a world away from what you’re used to – or to the continent – where, thanks to the Alps, you’ll encounter some of the best skiing in the world, excellent hospitality and the hedonistic world of Après Skiing.

2. It’s Easy… Relatively. The basics of controlling the speed and direction of your descent can be learnt in a few hours and with some practice you can begin expressing yourself on the slopes quickly. Skiing doesn’t have a 500-page rule book of required reading before you can begin. Nor does it have ever-changing laws. The objective is to get from the top of a slope to the bottom in one piece, without causing carnage on your way. Simple…well, sort of.

3. One Sport, Many Disciplines. If the idea of careering downhill uncontrollably fills you (and your insurance company), with dread, you can try cross-country skiing. Much like cross-country running, it requires physical effort. There are two techniques: skating and classic. Skating looks and sounds fun, but it’s a little harder to learn. The classic technique is easier to pick up and requires more effort, but once you have mastered it, you’re free to cruise the winter-wonderland at your own pace. Both techniques will challenge you physically, giving a great work-out while you take in nature at her snow-covered best.

4. It’s Not Just Fun, It’s Physical. Winter is more synonymous with hibernation than preparing for a near-vertical drop with two strips of fibreglass strapped to your feet. The cardio-vascular effort is surprisingly large, but coupled with the adrenaline rush; it’s a thrill that has people coming back for more. More vertical; more challenging; more untouched snow. Intermediate and advanced skiers develop their power, balance and co-ordination while skiing some of the most beautiful environments in the world.

5. Look At That View! There are few things in life more breath-taking than a snow-capped mountain range. And what could be more exciting than the idea that you’ll be hurtling down that mountain, at speed, with all the razor-sharp precision of an Olympic skier? With a little practice, one day you might.

6. Snow-Covered Chalets. Ever dreamt of spending a romantic week in one? I know I have and fortunately, every European ski resort has them in abundance. With many websites geared to tailoring your ski chalet breaks, arranging a skiing holiday isn’t difficult. Within the resort you can hire equipment, so all you need to do is pack some mitts and warm socks. Many chalets come equipped with an open fire, a media system and sauna. After a day on the slopes, what better way to relax with your friends, family or partner than in front of a roaring fire?

7. Schnaps! I don’t mean the sugary drink aimed at the ladies, I mean alcohol of at least 40%. On the continent all hard spirits comes under the title Schnaps and is offered as a digestif, a ‘thermal aid’ to cold skiers. Every region boasts its own type of locally made Schnaps served in a distinctive way. Sharing schnaps with strangers is a sign of friendship.

There’s more to it than the cold and the wet. There’s more to it than the 7 reasons I’ve given you. It’s cool and invigorating. Try it and I’m sure you’ll be back for more.

November 10, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Build A Pub Shed

Now that 7 Reasons has wound down its daily service, we have been wondering where to keep the 7 Reasons sofa. Then Matthew Wilby got in touch. And he had the solution. A pub shed! We don’t need convincing further, but should you then Matthew has all the reasons you require. Let’s be honest though, who needs reasons? It’s a pub shed!

1. No Walk Home. We all love going to the pub, it’s a great place to enjoy a few too many pints. But you know what we don’t like… the walk home. If you turn your garden sheds into a pub, the walk home is much shorter, unless you have a very, very large garden. But then you might as well build your own pub.

2. Recession. We all want to save money and making your own pub shed is the perfect way to save vital pennies. Buying your own beers from the local shop is much cheaper than buying a pint at the local pub and then of course there is the option of inviting all your friends round and telling them to bring the beer.

3. Guest List. Your pub shed has a very exclusive guest list – the pub shed gives you power, power to ban, power to invite and power to party. In a pub shed there are no girlfriends, no karaoke, and no teenagers – just good people. A pub shed allows you to have a good time with your friends without having to worry about any other fools turning up.

4. Sports. I like watching football in the pub but people are always getting in the way and obstructing the screen when a crucial goal is being scored. The solution is obvious. You guessed it. A pub shed. A pub shed is the perfect location for a flat screen telly with a full Sky Sports package. You can now enjoy your favourite sports without any distraction. And a cold pint too. Though you will have to get up and pour it yourself.

5. Comfort. Pubs are great, but don’t you wish they were a bit cosier? The wooden bench is no competition for a comfy, well worn sofa. There are no rules when it comes to pub shed furniture either. You can lounge around on whatever you like. And however you like too. That’s the beauty of a pub shed.

6. Last Orders. In a pub shed there is a bell behind the bar. But it is not for last orders. The pub shed frowns on last orders. The bell behind the bar in the pub shed signals the beginning, freedom and shots.

7. Spending Time At Home. Many people often worry about their partners going to the pub. Well, a pub shed brings an end to all of that. Spending time at home? You are! You’re in the garden enjoying your home’s latest feature. Pub sheds can also add value to your home. Admittedly nobody has researched this, but if I went to view a house and it had a pub shed, I would definitely pay more for it.

November 5, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Not To Get Too Close To The Sun (Or Even Try)

With the clocks going back, the nights drawing in and the sun on holiday until next April, it could be very tempting to go looking for some rays. As James Bentham tells us though, you don’t want to be going upwards.

***

The Sun, is really rather useful. It is the root cause of life on our planet and lies at the centre of our solar system some 1.496 x 108 km away. Considering what a ridiculously long way that is, it keeps one side of the Earth nice and toasty, whilst the other side has a rest. Thank goodness the human race was capable of developing that mechanical marvel, the electric heater for those dark times. If, like a moth to a flame, you have a desire to get up and close with the Sun though, a number of terrible things could happen en route.

Step away from the sun

1. Oxygen Deficiency. You really don’t have to go very far on your journey towards our nearest star before you start getting into trouble. If you decide to venture out of our atmosphere on the rocket you made in your back garden without adequate breathing apparatus, you will quickly discover that it’s difficult to breathe. In fact you won’t be able to at all, due to the lack of oxygen and you will almost certainly be killed to death. Just look at what happened to Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.

2. Chill Factor. If you have had the sense to get some breathing gear, you’ll probably still struggle. Surprisingly, it’s actually really bloody cold once you’re in space. To put a number on it, it is around -270.7 degrees centigrade, otherwise known as absolute zero. So, if you’ve set off on your journey in your shorts and t-shirt, thinking it’s going to be tan-city, you will freeze to death. Nope, even that nice woolly jumper your Gran knitted for you won’t help.

3. Spaceship For Sale. Okay, so by some miracle you have acquired all the necessary gear to survive in space. But how the hell are you actually going to make it closer to the Sun? You’ll definitely need some sort of vehicle, but you’ll probably need a few billion dollars to get one. That’s weeks and weeks of pocket money you’re going to have to save up and even then, you’ll have to befriend an Arab Prince to get enough fuel.

4. Bumpers. Hurrah, you’re on your way! You’ve burst through the Earth’s atmosphere like Roadrunner on crystal meth. Hang on a sec though, here comes another opportunity for disaster. There is a massive amount of man-made detritus floating around in orbit of the earth. With old, broken satellites for ancient phone networks nobody uses any more like, T Mobile or Vodafone, bits of the last shuttle that tried this ridiculous expedition, you’re pretty much guaranteed to crash into something and join that elephant’s graveyard of space crap.

5. Hemorrhoids. If you do manage to successfully navigate the orbital dumping ground, more terrors await in outer space. Stuff whizzes around in space all the time, as once you apply a force to something in space, it will literally keep going in that direction until something stops it. See where I’m going with this? Meteors and other dangerous bits of the universe will fly at you from all directions and unless you have some Han Solo-esque manoeuvres up your sleeve, you’ll be smashed into a thousand pieces.

6. Two’s Company (And Death). As you get ever closer to the Sun, you may notice yourself starting to behave a bit strangely. A recent documentary involving Cillian Murphy and filmed by Danny Boyle, widely respected by the scientific community, demonstrated this. It’s probably not a good idea to take any companions with you, as one of you will fall in love with the beauty of the Sun, go insane and kill everyone aboard your craft. That’s just how it is.

7. Disco Inferno. You made it! Congratu…oh you’ve gone. Yep that’s right, you made it all this way and were instantly incinerated as soon as you got anywhere near. After all the Sun is ridiculously hot you idiot, why even bother, seriously? Even the outside of the Sun is about 100,000 Kelvin, which is way too hot to write in centigrade. Once you get down to the core (which you won’t because you’ll have died a fiery, fiery death) the temperature reaches about 13,600,000 Kelvin. Imagine burning your hand on the cooker, but times about 13,599,999 and you might just have it, but even then…

So there you go, I think we’ve managed to discern that trying to get close to the Sun is a fairly bad idea. To be honest though, we’ve known for centuries. Everyone knows what happened to Icarus, that maverick. His Dad was like “No don’t fly so close you complete moron, I spend hours making those wings! I stank of bird lime for weeks!”. But Icarus was just like “and what?” proceeding to fly towards the Sun without any of the recommended gear only to fall to his watery grave. Surprised? I think not.

November 3, 2011
7 Reasons It’s Time To Fin…

Hello people of the world and of other places that we’re less familiar with. We have an announcement to make. It’s time to fin….Here are (wait for it! Wait for it!) seven reasons why.

1. Familiarity Breeds Apathy – Part A (Us). The more observant of you will have noticed that 7 Reasons has been rocking the internet for two years. In the beginning we made a promise to ourselves – and you – that we would post every single day. And, for the most part, we did. For the statisticians among you our strike-rate was a healthy 92.28%. The problem is, as time passed, we grew weary of the 7 Reasons format. By the time we published our 690th post/4,830th reason, the joy had dissipated. It had become more of a chore than an enjoyment. So we’re stepping back. We’re tearing up our promise and changing it to something like, ‘7 Reasons for something or other if and when we think of it, which we might. Possibly. Or not’. In other words, the relentless day to day posting is a thing of the past. Instead we’ll post irregularly. As and when we think of things. The joy will come back, the writing will be more fun for us and angry emails accusing each other of failing to deliver will cease. We might even become friends.

2. Familiarity Breeds Apathy – Part B (You). We’re modern men. We can pick up signals. As a 7 Reasons reader – and we are thankful to all of you who turn to us for your lunchtime* reading – we know it’s easy to think it’s okay to miss a post. And of course it’s okay. As strange as it may seem, we’re not your parents, and we’re especially not your mother. What isn’t acceptable is why you’re missing them. Don’t like the topic? Fine. Too busy at work? Fine. Happy to miss one because there’ll be another one along tomorrow? Not fine. Again, that’s not what 7 Reasons is supposed to be about. So by going to an irregular format, we’re making 7 Reasons posts a novelty. Something to cherish and savour.

3. Autophagia. That’s right. We’ve begun to eat ourselves. 7 Reasons has become a part of our daily lives. And not necessarily in a good way. In a bygone era we had blogs and if something grabbed our attention we’d write about it there. If it didn’t, we’d leave it well alone. In the past two years we haven’t been able to leave anything alone. It has been impossible to do anything without working out how a 7 Reasons post could be made out of it. While it was kind of fun for us initially – and is great for friends who keep suggesting topics, no matter how hard we try to stop them – it’s actually a quite restrictive format to write to. And 7 Reasons was never meant to make us cantankerous old gits. But that’s what we’ve become. It’s time the old Marc and Jon came out to play again. The uncynical Marc and Jon. The ones who – on seeing a woman falling down a manhole cover – would feel obliged to effect a rescue (or at least make a video), rather than to begin writing 7 Reasons Women Shouldn’t Fall Down Manholes.***

4. Time. A lot of it has been dedicated to 7 Reasons. Remember the good old days when Jon was busily planning 83-trips back and forth across America, catching 100 buses in one night, searching the world for his best-friend’s look-alike, growing a mo and making Richard Bacon seem interesting? Well, in the last two years he hasn’t done any of that sort of thing. And that’s not what 7 Reasons was supposed to do. It wasn’t supposed to consume so much time. Its overbearing beat wasn’t supposed to dominate the rhythm of our lives.

“What’ve you been doing today Marc?” friends ask.

“7 Reasons,” comes the reply.

And that’s the same conversation both of us have been having for the last two years**. We want to be able to reply with, “I’ve been writing a script”, “I painted six sheep luminous yellow” or “I’ve been wondering why See Hear has a theme tune”. We want to be fun again. Or daft. Or both. And we will be.

5. Archive. There’s enough stuff here already. There’s bloody loads of it. There are many, many very good posts here containing some of our best words that have barely been read at all. Every once in a while, someone will discover one of them, dust it off, share it with their friends and it’ll get loads of hits for a few days and then it’ll quieten down again. Then another thing that even we’d forgotten we’d written will get discovered and shared around the world. If you think you’ve read every post you’re probably wrong. Or, even if you’re right, you’ve probably forgotten them by now and could read them again afresh. If you think of 7 Reasons as a goldfish bowl, we have put the gravel and water in, plus the castle, the diver, some food and a post about attacking a train with stones and excrement. You (the golden fish in this scenario) can merrily swim around here forever reading and rereading things with nary a hint of deja vu. We have written enough.

6. It’s Not Like We’re Totally Going Away. We’re not. We’re still running the Emporium – in fact, we’re putting new merchandise into it soon – and we’ll still be doing strange things to the back end of the website in the middle of the night, usually with disastrous consequences. We just won’t be here every day. Well, we probably will, we just won’t be saying anything with our words. Or our pictures. So we won’t be posting anything under Daily Posts any more. Instead, we’ll be posting things under New Posts, should the mood take us. We’ll also still be happy to accept good guest posts from readers(/writers) that we know. After all, guest posts are brilliant. Sometimes it’s as if they just write themselves.

7. Because We’ve Started Talking French. After all, it’s not goodbye. It’s au revoir. Au revoir!

*Midnight reading if it’s a Fearns’ day

**Not together

***Unintentional innuendo win

October 27, 2011
7 Reasons That Jack And The Beanstalk Is A Bad Example For Children

As a parent, I’m conscious that I have a grave and onerous responsibility to instil an inherent sense of right and wrong in my son. To make certain that, during his formative years, he is given the equipment which will eventually enable him to become a good and productive member of society. To give him good values; tolerance, a respect for others, for law and order, for property. For that reason I won’t be reading him Jack and the Beanstalk. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Jack Is Feckless. What’s the first thing he does? He – on behalf of his mother – takes their one marketable asset (a cow) to market, but instead of selling it – as instructed – to raise much needed capital, he takes it upon himself to strike a different bargain with a shifty stranger. He swaps the cow for some magic beans. That’s magic beans. Beans that are magic. This says that not only is disobeying your parents the right thing to do, but that if a stranger offers you something highly dubious in return for a real and tangible asset that’s a perfectly good transaction to make. Essentially this encourages both charlatanism and fecklessness. And Paul McKenna.

2. Jack Is A Trespasser. Later in the story, he goes through a garden and breaks into a house. And it’s not just anyone’s house. It’s the house of a poor, unfortunate sufferer of the genetic condition giantism. So not only is he trespassing, he’s committing that crime against a minority. Despite being rather high up, Jack’s the lowest sort of criminal bully.

3. Jack Is Unapologetic. And what is the giant’s reaction to finding that someone has broken into his home? Well, perfectly understandably, he’s not best pleased. He wants to set about Jack (and he is perfectly within his rights to defend himself and his property using reasonable force). But what does Jack do? Like the weasel he is, he slinks off, with the help of the giant’s wife, no less. Jack has set one partner against the other and has breached the sacred bonds of trust between a man and his wife, and all because he’s too cowardly to face his victim.

4. Jack Is A Burglar. Then on his way out, Jack steals some gold coins. So it’s not mere trespass now. It’s burglary. Should we really be encouraging our children to consider burgling the homes of minorities? Is that really a good message? Wouldn’t a better message be don’t burgle the homes of minorities? Don’t, in fact, burgle anyone?

5. Jack Is A Serial Offender. What does Jack do after he’s returned home? Does he, in the cold light of day, come to regret his actions? Does he show remorse? Does he head to his local police station to hand himself in or return to the giant’s house to reimburse him and offer to make amends? No. He goes back to the giant’s house and burgles it again. Twice! Jack is not only a career criminal. By picking on the poor giantism sufferer again and again, he’s persecuting a minority.

6. Jack Is A Murderer. What does Jack do during his final burglary? He murders the giant; a man who has already had his (sadly truncated) life blighted by an unfortunate genetic condition and who has been tyrannized by a serial burglar, is killed in cold blood by Jack in a desperate attempt to cover up his many crimes. Even Ryan Giggs hasn’t resorted to murdering people yet to cover anything up. We’d all better hope that he doesn’t read Jack and the Beanstalk. The body count could be enormous.

7. Jack Is A Psychopath. What manner of comeuppance does Jack receive for his numerous sordid and cruel misdeeds. Prison? Capital punishment? A community service order? A lifetime subscription to OK Magazine? No. Jack gets to marry his sweetheart – the daughter of a count* – and live happily ever after, a wealthy man. Happily! He doesn’t even suffer from the slightest bit of conscience induced existential torment. There’s no regret at all, or remorse, the lack of which is one of the most marked symptoms of psychopathy.

Is a disobedient, feckless, trespassing, uncompassionate, home-wrecking, burgling, serial-offending, bullying, bigoted, murdering psychopath really a healthy role model for our children?** Jack even gets rewarded for his appalling behaviour. I don’t think we should be telling this story to our children at all. I think we should be reading them this one.

*Not a typo.

**It didn’t go well for Colonel Gadaffi’s kids.

October 26, 2011
7 Reasons Fining The French Is The IRB’s Most Idiotic Decision Yet

Over the years I have written many 7 Reasons posts – you may have noticed. None, though, have been written with such ferocious anger as this. Sunday was an odd day for me. Possibly suffering the after effects of Rapture 2.0, I did something I have never done before. I supported the French. I couldn’t help it. They played the better rugby in the World Cup Final. They played all the rugby. But my mind was made up before the kick-off. My made was made up during the Haka. The French advanced on it! I love it when teams do that. So you see, from that moment on, I had to support the French. The thing is, though, I had expected that to be the end. The end of my fanciness for all things French. But it’s not. Because I found myself outraged on hearing the news that the prats – and I don’t use that word lightly – at the IRB had handed France a £2,500 fine. For walking! It is just one of a number of pathetic decisions by the IRB jobsworths, but it’s probably the worst. Here’s why:

1. Hypocrisy. I don’t know if the esteemed members of the IRB have ever watched the Haka, but I have. And, as someone who knows*, let me be the first to tell them it’s not exactly morris-dancing. Lacking as it does the necessary handkerchiefs. I have never studied the Haka in detail, but the common theme running through all variations appears to be murder. The murder of the opposition. That’s naughty. If they want to fine anyone, they should fine the Kiwis for repeated death threats.

2. Respect. The charge levied at the French is that they advanced beyond the halfway line and in doing so not only disobeyed IRB regulations but disrespected the Haka. This is just wrong on so many levels. For a start, I saw an arrow with Thierry Dusautoir at the head. Then his comrades formed a horizontal line next to him. Take from this what you will. Maybe you saw men walking. Or, maybe like me, you saw men walking. Walking is not disrespectful. Especially if, like the French, you all happen to be holding hands at the time. It was just the French saying we accept the challenge. All be it in terrifically camp fashion. It was brilliant.

3. McCaw. Richie has his admirers – Kiwi’s being one** – and his detractors – basically anyone who sees his all too regular infringements. But this isn’t about his on-field play. This is about his post-match interview. On being asked by former Kiwi wicket-keeper, Ian Smith, for his reaction to their victory, McCaw replied, “I’m absolutely shagged…”. Now, if anyone was bringing the game into disrepute, surely it is McCaw by saying this. He is supposed to be setting an example to millions of youngsters around the world. The only thing this will do is encourage youngsters to repeat his words. For a sport in which men readily put their hands up between other men’s legs, this isn’t ideal.

4. Spectacle. I love the Haka. I love all the war cries. I even have my own which I prepare before taking on the shower. What I love even than the Haka, though, are the responses. Maybe it’s the pride in me, maybe it’s the naivety, but I like to think if someone was saying they were going to chop my head off, I’d have the gumption to say ‘not if I get to you first’. As an Englishman I’d love to do a Cockerill. Don’t be immature. Not like that. I mean a Richard Cockerill. He went face to face with Norm Hewitt in ’97. Then there’s the Welsh response in 2008 and the Irish’s Willie Anderson-led response in 1989. It’s just brilliant viewing before the real battle starts. I can only presume the IRB are anti-spectator.

5. Young Man. While the Haka does contain throat-slitting references, no one can deny that it is also inspired by YMCA. Just look at the photo above. Everyone knows that as soon as YMCA filters through to the ear drums it is instinct to walk to to the dance floor. The IRB can’t fine for instinct.

6. Missing The Point. Now the IRB have an extra £2,500 to spend on their golfing day, perhaps they’d like to discuss some of the real issues in the game around the ninth tee. Perhaps they’d like to sort out the inconsistencies in refereeing decisions. Perhaps they’d like to encourage putting the ball in straight at scrum time. Perhaps they’d like to explain how Courtney Lawes got a two-match suspension for ‘kneeing’ Mario Ledesma and yet USA Eagles captain, Todd Clever, got away with a ridiculous off the ball shoulder charge and high tackling against Russia. Or is that just wishful thinking?

7. French Resistance. I have very little left to give. I’m writing a 7 Reasons piece in which I am pretty much defending the French. As anyone who read 7 Reasons To Invade France will know, this is a massive turnaround in my mindset. The IRB have done this. The IRB have made me feel sorry for the French. The IRB are the one’s telling me not to try and sell you a France Invasion t-shirt.*** Helmets.

*Boy Scout Camp Trip. Circa 1993.

**My fiancee being another. I am yet to work out why.

***Nice link work.

October 25, 2011
7 Reasons To Refer To Ourselves In The Third Person

What’s the worst thing that you can do during a conversation with anyone? Well okay, there are probably many things that spring to mind, but up at the top of the list, somewhere between murder and suddenly removing your trousers is referring to yourself in the third person, which is an abominable thing to do. But is it? What if we all did it? It might not necessarily be the worst thing that could happen. Here are seven reasons why.

1. It Would Lessen The Impact. What’s your first reaction to hearing someone refer to himself in the third person? That’s right: Shock. On encountering anyone structuring a sentence in this manner the encountee is usually flabbergasted, dumbstruck, stupefied and not a little appalled. Self-doubt can even feature: Wait! Did he just refer to himself in the third person? Surely not. If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, it would come as less of a shock.

2. It Would De-stigmatise It. Once (or if) you recover from the resultant shock and self doubt that arises from an encounter with someone that refers to himself in the third person (Craig David Listener Syndrome, to use the correct medical term) there’s another reaction: He did! What a egomaniacal pillock! What a pompous pudding head! What an numb-skulled narcissistic nitwit! If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, we wouldn’t draw this unkind – though perfectly reasonable – conclusion about the few people that do this now.

3. It Would Be Useful. I have a deep-seated social flaw (other than the ability to make hostile idiots furious by writing about some meal deal). I can’t remember names. Well, actually, I can remember some names, though usually not the ones of anyone I’m conversing with at the time, or if I do it’s invariably the wrong one. For six years I referred to my nieces as Natalie and The Ginger One, but it turns out that I was wrong there too. It was Nadia, not Natalie. Imagine how brilliant it would be if everyone used their own name in conversation, as no one would ever forget another name again. It would be even better than name badges, which – to people that can’t remember names and feel uncomfortable about their inability to remember them – are just a cruel trick:

“Have you forgotten my name again, Marc?”

“No…er…Joanne, I was just…staring at your breast.”

If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, this would stop.

4. It Would Prick Pomposity. And pompous pricks need their pomposity pricked. It’s safe to say that if he had had to utter the sentence “Muammar bin Mohammad bin Abdussalam bi Humayd bin Abu Manyar bin Humayd bin Nayil al Fuhsi Gaddafi needs to visit the little boys room” every time he had needed to use the toilet he would have soon tired of it and renamed himself Kevin or something equally simple. Ever heard of a tyrant called Kevin? No. If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, there’d be less self-aggrandisement and egomania.

5. It Would Improve The Internet. One of the absolute best things about the internet is Youtube, where you can see or hear just about anything (so long as it doesn’t contain anything that Sony BMG have even breathed near). But what’s the worst thing about Youtube? Yes, the seemingly boundless trolling and abuse. The blinkered partisanship and casual racism. Having to refer to oneself in the third person would change all this. Comments like “Chad Thompson says that you should get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” would soon put a stop to that odious meme. Or, if not, they would soon be followed by “Chad Thompson’s Mom says Chad Thompson is grounded and can’t use the internet for two weeks. Chad Thompson’s Mom says that Chad Thompson’s Mom won’t be going to the kitchen to make Chad Thompson a sandwich any time soon. Chad Thompson’s Mom says that Chad Thompson can go to the kitchen and make Chad Thompson’s Mom a sandwich.” If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, there’d be less nastiness. Or more sandwiches.

6. It Would Be A Guide To Pronunciation. Are you unable to pronounce simple names? Do you find it hard to enunciate even the simplest and most commonly-heard monikers? In that case, hello BBC Radio 5Live’s Stephen Nolan, welcome to 7 Reasons! Oh, and help is at hand. Now that your callers will have to pronounce their own names when proffering an opinion you’ll soon learn that Marc is not pronounced mork, Will is not pronounced well and Siobhan is actually pronounced…no…no one knows the answer to that, but if we all referred to ourselves in the third person we’d find out.

7. It Would Be Good For Me. I have a two syllable name. Or, to be quite clear, two names of one syllable each. This would mean that in any conversation I’d spend very little time saying my own name and more time saying the important, fascinating and scintillating things about…er…er…tiramisu and cats and stuff? Well, whatever, at least I’d know who I was saying them to. That would be a start.

October 24, 2011
7 Reasons Why A Gastric Band Might Be The Answer

There are many reasons why someone may wish to lose weight and many ways in which they could go about it. Today though, we’re looking at just one. We’re delving deep into the world of gastric bands. And, believe it or not, it’s actually quite a trip.

1. Fashion Options. There is so much advice about what you should or shouldn’t wear if you consider yourself a little overweight, that it’s almost impossible to know who to believe. The general consensus appears to be “wear something black with vertical stripes”. Which is great if you like looking like a zebra, but even going with that look seven days a week might be a bit much. So why not take a look at having a gastric band? It’ll add a bit of life to your wardrobe too.

2. Elastic. The unscientific alternative to a gastric band has surely got to be an elastic band. However, while putting the latter around your waist may sound like a cheap alternative, are you really going to trust the stationery cupboard when it comes to helping you with your weight loss ambitions? Hopefully not. For a start, it’s a well known fact that elastic bands never come in the size you need. They’re either far too small that they snap as soon as they are stretched or they’re so big that you have to wrap them round at least thrice before they have any impact. Oh, and then they snap too. You really don’t want elastic bands snapping around your waist. Who knows where they’ll end up?

3. Genes. It’s very easy for the thin brigade to walk down the street, see someone without the perfect body shape and immediately assume it’s because they don’t do any exercise or because they have an unhealthy diet. The reality can be very different. For many it’s a case of genetics. Despite walking miles a day, going to the gym and embracing every soup and lettuce based diet out there, nothing seems to help. Meanwhile, other people live on their takeaway and TV diet to no apparent adverse consequences. It seems incredibly unfair. So talk to someone who understands. Talk to The Hospital Group and find out how they can help you.

4. Medication. It could be that you’re on medication. Or it could be that you have a health condition. Both can cause weight issues making it very difficult for you to keep to a weight you are happy with. It shouldn’t have to be that way and thanks to gastric bands it doesn’t have to be. Not only will they help you control your weight, a gastric band also helps reduce the risk of developing high blood pressure, diabetes and many other obesity related disorders.

5. The Oxygen Deficiency Approach. The quickest way to look thin is to take a deep breath and use your tummy muscles to suck in your stomach. The problem with this approach is that it’s not very conducive to talking. If you really don’t want someone to see that you’re a bit overweight, you’ll have to suck in your stomach, walk up to them, spin around, breathe out, talk, breathe in, spin around and await their response. Which might me something along the lines of, “you know something, you’re weird.” It’s probably not the way you wanted the conversation to go.

6. The ‘Music’. This will probably come as no surprise to you, but rather predictably there is a group called The Gastric Band. It needs to be pointed out right now that The Gastric Band will not help you lose weight. Not unless you want to go for the ‘listen to noise, get a migraine, be very sick’ approach. Something we don’t condone in anyway. Far better would be to save your ears, save your head and save your loved-one making regular trips between your bedside and the bathroom with buckets by getting a gastric band instead.

7. Not So Magic. The gastric band isn’t the only option of course, you could have a gastric balloon inserted into your stomach. It’s a viable alternative, but do beware if you see something that causes knots in your stomach. You might end up fashioning a balloon dog. Or a giraffe. Sure, it’s a good trick to pull off, but rather wasted inside your stomach don’t you think?

October 23, 2011