Tag: Jonathan Lee

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Reduce Your Carbon Footprint

A few weeks ago you may remember Sam Murray telling us to keep our doors shut in case Vampires wanted to get in. With that sort of insight, we just had to get Sam back on the sofa. And here he is. Wiping his dirty footmarks off the 7 Reasons carpet. Right, I’m off. There’s someone at the door. It only ever seems to happen when Sam’s on the sofa. Coincidentally, today’s guest post was written by Sam in association with Yale Door, who are committed to reducing the carbon footprint by supplying energy efficient front doors for homes .

We have all heard of it and some of you might have even tried doing it, and no, wearing smaller trainers doesn’t count. For those of you that don’t know and have been living in a cave for the past few years a carbon footprint is “the total set of greenhouse gases (GHG) emissions caused by an organization, event, individual or product”. More importantly, it has a direct affect on climate change which, as we are told, will have a direct affect on us in the not too distant future (don’t worry not you, unless this post has been archived and is being read in 2080)

Anyway, if you needed further encouragement to reduce your carbon footprint then here are 7, naturally:

1. Otherwise You Will Be Having Breakfast With A Polar Bear. With the polar ice caps melting the increasing rise of water will open up a swimming lane direct to your door. Polar bears are strong swimmers; they often swim across bays or wide leads without hesitation and can swim for several hours at a time over long distances. They have actually been tracked swimming continuously for 100km. So make sure you pour enough cereal for two and put the kettle on.

2. To Make You All Smiley And Happy. Do you ever get the warm and fuzzy feeling when you have done a good deed? Start small by recycling and re-using items and by the time you go to bed tonight you will sleep well in the knowledge that the world is that little bit nicer than it was when you bought the paper this morning. Or if you are more of a ME man than an US, it has been proved that performing good deeds can boost your health and self-confidence.

3. No More Snow Fights. What is our fascination with the small white ice particles? We just can’t get enough of it. It remains the only time when you are allowed and even encouraged to throw things at people. So to cling onto this excuse, reduce your carbon footprint!

4. To Let Animals Get Their Full Quota Of Sleep. You know how bad you feel after a bad night’s sleep so can you imagine how grumpy a bear would feel after his hibernation is disturbed? After numerous studies Scientists believe that global warming is and will continue to affect hibernating animals, causing them to wake up earlier. The shortened hibernation period is affecting several species, including chipmunks and brown bears. If animals do reduce their hibernation period or refrain from hibernating at all it can cause quite a significant environmental problem as it can cause starvation and, possibly, increased numbers of some animals being eaten by predators.

5. Give Al Gore An Early Christmas Present. What better way to show one of the most well known environmental activists that you care by reducing your carbon footprint.

6. To Gain Membership Into Captain Planet’s Inner Circle. For all those that remember the cartoon series Captain Planet and dreamt of one day joining the gang, ‘The power is yours’. We have a duty and the ability to continue protecting the environment when Captain Planet is gone, and since the last show aired in 1996 I think it is about timer we stepped up. Sing along with me – “Captain Planet he’s our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero.”

7. The Prices Of Sunglasses And Sun Cream Will Rise. Yep, that‘s right, although you may rejoice in the warmer climate eventually shrewd suppliers will have to raise the prices of sunglasses and sun cream. Don’t blame me; it’s the pesky ‘supply versus demand’ theory.

November 6, 2010
7 Reasons the Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

Yesterday, at 7 Reasons (.org) we ran a post entitled 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement Is A Bad Idea. I discovered that we had done so while I was eating my breakfast, and it’s fair to say that I was quite stunned. In fact I, the Jacques Tati obsessed, Voltaire-reading, coffee-guzzling half of the 7 Reasons team (the one with the French name), almost choked on my croissant. “A bad idea?!” I exclaimed in a voice so high that it was only audible to very small dogs, “but it’s a brilliant idea!” And it is. Here are seven reasons why:

1. History. The most notable occasion on which we’ve had a defence agreement and a joint expeditionary force with France was the Second World War. And, as I’m sure you’re aware, we won that. Obviously it didn’t work out too well for France, what with Germany annihilating the French army and occupying most of their country, and Britain blowing up the French navy before going home to dine on powdered egg with the Americans. But we did win, so defence agreements with France are a proven success. And now that we have the Channel Tunnel, their government will be able to flee to London so much more quickly than last time. If that’s possible.

2. Cuisine. Working together will rid both nations of antiquated ideas about the other nation’s diet. They will come to realise that there’s more to British cuisine than roast beef – because we’ve had branches of McDonalds since at least the 1970s – and we will come to realise that there’s more to French cuisine than frogs legs. They’ll introduce us to soufflé: An insignificant, over-inflated tart that shrinks at the merest hint of a knife, and Quiche Lorraine: A dish that they readily share with Germans – usually as a starter – which is often followed by a generous helping of their speciality, crêpe à la guerre.

3. Wisdom. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer: A line from The Godfather – often wrongly attributed to Sun Tzu – that’s a very wise strategy indeed. And who is the enemy in this case? Well, it’s France: The nation we’ve spent more time at war with than any other. They are l’ennemi traditionnel, and by being on board the same ships with them we’ll be able to keep a very close eye on them. Also, should a war break out between the nations, civilian casualties will be minimised as the theatre of war will be far smaller than usual; sometimes it will even be confined to the same engine room or bridge. And remember, should the enemy sink one of our aircraft carriers, they will bear half the cost.

4. Finance. Even if you’re not au fait with the minutiae of military funding it’s bleeding obvious that we’re going to save lots of money by sharing spending with France. Look at paint. All armed forces need lots of paint and, by getting together we’ll have greater purchasing power when it comes to procuring it. We’ll make substantial savings on grey paint for navy use, and camouflage paint for army use. And we’ll make even bigger savings on red, white and blue paint as we’ll need bloody loads of that now that we’ll need to paint a French flag on one side of things and a British flag on the other. The savings will be enormous. Énorme.

5. Efficacy. The measure by which all branches of the armed services are judged is their strike-capability. And by entering into an agreement with the French, we’ll increase the strike-capability of our military substantially. In fact, with the French on board, our strike capability will be the highest of any force in the world; our strike-capability will be infinity, which is greater even than the combined forces of China, North Korea, Iran, Christmas Island, Easter Island, Chuck Norris and Malta.

6. Co-operation. When Britain and France work together, the two nations have been able to affect profound and lasting positive sociological change. The channel tunnel, for example, which was first proposed in 1802 and was completed a mere 192 years later, allowed refugees of many nationalities to complete the final leg of their epic journeys of migration; fleeing hardship and squalor from across the four corners of Northern France, to civilisation in Southern England; where they were able to escape the tyranny of boules, cycling and listening to Johnny Hallyday and were introduced to the more civilised British pastimes of cricket, morris dancing, and the Daily-Mail-witch-hunt.

7. Culture. Our nations have much to learn from each other and the accord will doubtless be a civilising influence. As we get to know each other as individuals there will be a significant breakdown of prejudice and an increase in cultural exchange. We will teach the French to drink copious quantities of beer and fight with bald men in shirts at the weekend, and they will teach the British to drink copious quantities of wine and run from bald men in shirts at le weekend. We will teach the French to make popular music that will be cherished the world over, and they will teach the British how to sneer at the X-Factor. We will teach them that France is the ideal holiday destination, and they will teach us that France is the ideal holiday destination. It’s a match made in heaven. The Anglo-French defence agreement is going to be great.

November 3, 2010
7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement Is A Bad Idea

Cameron: "Don't worry, your troops will be fine. From a distance it looks like a gun."

Once again the power of 7 Reasons is dictating how the world operates. Today, you will hear that Britain and France have agreed to join forces in the pursuit of defending our shores. A reliable source informs us that our piece entitled 7 Reasons To Invade France caused shock-waves in both British and French camps. David Cameron doesn’t want a diplomatic incident on his hands and the French are just scared. As a result they have agreed to stand together and deny the 7 Reasons dream. But what to them sounds like a good idea given the current economic climate, to us sounds like a catastrophe waiting to happen. Here’s why:

1. Conflicts. For this agreement to work, both Britain and France need to be reading off the same hymn sheet. Or invasion plan. But what happens if one country doesn’t like the others proposed deployment? Well, basically, they can veto it. Rather disastrously this is going to make it extremely difficult for Britain to invade France. And who wants to live without that prospect on the horizon? Well, the French probably, but who else? Life just got a little more boring.

2. Kitchen Wars. This agreement will mean both British and French troops will be stationed on aircraft carriers together. An Englishman and a Frenchman on an aircraft carrier at the same time? All we need is an Irishman and we have the makings of a joke. But, sadly, this isn’t a joke. This is a very serious matter. Who will win? A traditional English Breakfast with cup of tea or a Continental Breakfast with coffee. Even the thought makes me quite queer. And what happens if Pierre – I imagine all French chefs to be called Pierre. Or Jean-Paul. But this one’s a Pierre – what happens if Pierre is left in the kitchen alone for five minutes. He’s going to spike everything with garlic.*

3. Left or Driot? Anyone who has been to France will know that they drive on the wrong side of the road. How they sleep at night is a mystery. But that is something we will cover in a future 7 Reasons piece. Because today we need to point out the dangers this will cause. On aircraft carriers. With the British wishing to land their aircraft on the correct side of the carrier and the French wishing to land theirs on the wrong, there is going to be more than an argument. There is going to be a pile-up.*

4. Cricket. With the invasion of France looking less likely, there is going to be much more free time. Time when the troops of the two nations can bond. And what better way to bond than over a fierce game of cricket? Well, actually, every other way is better. Because the English are going to be playing proper cricket and the French are going to be playing nancy boys cricket. Or French cricket as they call it. It’s going to be like bodyline. Just with more blood and clueless Frenchmen. And this, despite what I may feel in my heart, is not a good thing.

5. Infestation. Have you ever considered the possibility that we don’t have enough frogs and snails in Britain? No? Well give it about six months and you’ll be wondering how the hell we’ve got so many frogs and snails in this country? Unless, you’ve read this. In which case you’ll know. As soon as that French aircraft carrier docks in Southampton, we’re going to get infested with the pests. And the frogs. And the snails.

6. Strikes. Who knows who we are going to have to defend ourselves against in the future, but for arguments sake, let’s suggest it’s Christmas Island. What happens if Davide and Nicolas send one of our aircraft carriers over there only for the French to go on strike? And let’s face it, this is a very real danger. The British boys will be stretched beyond belief. And, as good as they are, I am not sure they will be able to survive under the constant barrage of Christmas Tree missiles. The sheer number of pine needles will sink us.*

7. Time-Zones. This is something I doubt either Davo or Nico have considered. Return to that picture in your mind of the Anglo-Franco aircraft carrier coming under the fire of Christmas Trees if you will. The good news is that the French have ended their strike and are now sweeping pine needles off the deck. Then the order comes through that the joint force is to invade the Island at 0700. So they wait. And then at 0700 the French troops invade. And the British wonder what the hell they are doing? Because it’s only 0600.*

*These reasons are the property of Claire Quinn and have kindly been loaned out to 7 Reasons for the day. We are truly grateful. As otherwise 50% of the 7 Reasons team would have been here all day.

November 2, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: Halloween Special

Hi, Marc here. Happy Halloween. Jon and I thought long and hard about what to bring you on el Día de los Muertos and, having considered it for some time we began working on a project early last week. Then things went a bit awry, and we ended up postponing it until next year. So it was left to me to write the Halloween special alone. And, looking into the dark recesses of my soul for inspiration, I came up with a horror-filled tale of woe and dread. Do not read on if you are of a nervous disposition. Or if you are a lover of poetry.

1

‘Twas a crisp, moonlit night, and all was still,

yet into the house came a terrible chill,

the creak of a door, an inrush of air,

the muffled report of a foot on the stair.

2

The woman awoke, and sat with a start,

with trembling hands, and a racing heart,

was it her husband, returned from the bar?

Was it a spectre, or a burglar?

3

A rustling sound rose up from the kitchen,

and this resolved her to spring into action,

Shrilly, she called, in a faltering voice,

“Who is that down there, that’s causing the noise?”

4

No answer was given, to her nervous query,

she listened and listened, the silence was eerie,

and so it was, with a palpable dread,

she resolved to get up and stepped out of the bed.

5

She crossed the room swiftly, donning her gown,

tiptoed through the door and prepared to go down,

to discover who-knew-what was down there.

She stifled a whimper and went down the stairs.

6

Breathlessly she crept, along the hallway,

and when she arrived at the kitchen doorway,

she flung open the door, and switched on the light,

and then she received the most terrible fright.

7

She recoiled in horror, and let out a shriek,

she fell to the floor unable to speak,

she covered her eyes and continued to scream,

‘twas quite the most horrible thing that she’d seen.

8

So what was this horror, this terror, this sight?

That haunted the kitchen in the dead of night?

The most hideous thing she ever will see,

‘twas the bone-chilling mask of Jonathan Lee.

Have a great Halloween! Oh, and if you haven’t read it yet, this comes highly recommended: 7 Reasons we Should Trick-or-Treat Ourselves out of the Deficit

October 31, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Student Accommodation Can Be Rather Tiresome

Something a bit special is happening on the 7 Reasons sofa today. For the first time ever, one Lee is being replaced by another. I, Jon, am stepping aside and handing control of 7 Reasons over to my brother, Rob. This may backfire quite substantially, but for the sake of me having a day off , it is a risk I am more than happy to take. If you enjoy Rob’s ranting you may be interested in reading his first book, Shattered Souls. It contains no ranting, but does feature a place called RedFjord. Amazon are also currently offering a very generous 90p discount which is quite a bonus. Right, here’s Rob. I’m off out to buy some more asterisks.

1. The Fridge. The fridge is always too small. Always. What is it about landlords and small fridges? Do they not think that their tenants might want to buy food? We don’t all survive on takeaway and ready meals y’know. Some of us can even use rudimentary kitchen utensils, or combine ingredients that aren’t cheese, tomato sauce, and frozen chips. Despite this, it’s always a case of having one shelf in the fridge. I don’t know about you, but cheese takes up about half the space in mine, let alone any other food. And no I am not willing to freeze it. Frozen cheese is an abomination. Step one, get bigger fridges.

2. The Builders. Why is it that student landlords always have builders doing ‘things’ with the house? Things which are seemingly unnecessary, and even these are invariably done badly. So the landlord is called; he/she is forced to come round; then they call back the same builders who did it wrong in the first place!* Even worse, they give them keys to the property. Yes, do go in, don’t mind them, they’re just sleeping**. The landlord comes out with things like ‘don’t lock your door so my builders can get in’. What? I’m not leaving my door unlocked in a student neighbourhood – I may as well just leave my valuables on a park bench with a ‘Take-Me Big Boy’ sign. I’m also not letting some Charlie I’ve never met, wander about, knocking bits out of the place I’m living, without someone there to stop him. (Or her. We’re very broad minded here).

3. The Neighbours. Student housing has neighbours. Invariably only about two feet away from you and separated by a wall about as thick as a cream cracker. This is not good when one wishes to sleep. Especially because the neighbours always seem to be nocturnal and have absolutely no taste in music. Music which they broadcast to the entire street***. Neighbours shouldn’t be allowed.

4. The Parking. There isn’t any. Many students have cars so they can move their collection of road signs, traffic cones, novelty hats and foreign vodka from one place to another. Lots of cars and no parking is an equation that doesn’t work. It also means walking anywhere becomes a game of car-dodgems from idiots who, having shared their lack of taste in music with the street, have decided to drive down the one you’re walking along.

5. The Bathrooms. There’s only ever one. This is annoying when you’ve just got in from a post seminar drink and discover you have to wait half an hour to use the facilities. Either that or you nip back round the corner to the local public house to use theirs and nearly end up locked in because you’ve discovered the only pub in the area which kept to a closing time of 11pm when all the rest changed to an hour before dawn****.

6. The Annual Quest For Housing. Unless you happen to be lucky enough to be in a house which is not leaking, falling down, being sold to a private individual who doesn’t want to live with students, being sold to another landlord who seems to think letting to undergrads will be easier than letting to postgrads, a pit, too small, too big, too expensive, neighboured by idiots called Nelson who keep getting stoned and wandering about outside shouting ‘Hash’ at 3am in the morning***** and then playing their music so loud that industrial-level earplugs make no difference, then you invariably find yourself moving. (Insert breath here). This effectively entails scouring housing lists on the internet and engaging in the blind battle that is finding the only decent place before all the other people do. This process is annoying, especially because it also means parting with large amounts of money in the form of deposits which you’ve only just got back from the last place******.

7. The students. There’s far too many of them*******.

*Not all builders get it wrong, some are very good at their job, however, student landlords like it cheap. Cheap and good don’t go together in building work, ask the bridge builders of Delhi.

**No, not as you may imagine at 3pm in the afternoon, but in fact at 6am when the banging starts. And by banging I don’t mean another apparently favourite activity of the undergraduate student.

***Unhappily half the time much of the street is broadcasting back, and Classic FM it certainly isn’t, it’s not even Radio 2.

**** This may or may not have happened. It does not particularly help if you just returned from a smart do and are dressed in black trousers white shirt – the staff may think you work in the cellar. This also may or may not have occurred.

*****This did happen. Many times. Many many times (a little classic comedy nod there, if you know what it refers to then I’m sure Julian and Sandy will see you right).

******Yes, everyone renting has to pay deposits, so feel free to join in being annoyed about this point even if you’re not in the university system.

*******As a postgrad I don’t consider myself a student, especially since I teach the little terrors (ahem, the academic future of this country) too. Postgrads are excluded from the above rants. Unless Nelson ever becomes a postgrad. I won’t worry about him reading this; I don’t imagine he knows how to read.

October 30, 2010
7 Reasons 7 Reasons Has Been An Unmitigated Success

Exactly a year ago today, 7 Reasons was born in York and Fulham. If you weren’t there – and it’s highly likely you weren’t – you will have missed our very first post, 7 Reasons This Blog Was Created. I don’t think we have ever met the high standards that piece of literary genius set, but we have certainly given it our best shot. Except on Thursdays. That day just never really happened for us. As we have somehow made it a year I think it would be useful* to look back and see if we have stuck to the principles we outlined 365 days ago.

1. “People like lists. This is a well known fact. Shopping lists, to-do lists, Wedding lists, the list is endless. It adds structure to people’s lives. Structure is good. It makes people feel in control. We like control.” – We have certainly controlled a part of your life. A small part maybe, but a part none the less. For three of you, 7 Reasons has become a staple part of your daily diet. You can not remember life when you didn’t know 7 Reasons Why Lemons Would Make You Sick. And more is the point, you don’t want to. And as for the rest of you, well you may read 7 Reasons on an ad hoc basis. Even so, we have still have a presence in your mind. We are still controlling you. Just not as well as we’d wish.

2. “Seven is one of our favourite numbers. The number seven is the only number less than fifteen which cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. We like that (probably).” – Seven remains one of our favourite numbers. That is all that needs saying on this one. If I start talking about integers I’ll confuse my keyboard.

3. “It gives us something to think about on the train or the bus or while walking to the post box. Instead of thinking, ‘Isn’t that woman’s blouse so last season?’ it gives us the chance to think of seven reasons why she is wearing that blouse. This tests our imagination. We like creativity.” – It could never be argued that we don’t think about 7 Reasons on the train or the bus. Indeed, such environments have inspired some of our finest pieces. And some of our worst. But that’s the beauty of 7 Reasons. The brilliant pieces only exist because there are substandard efforts mixed in. Without these everything would appear mediocre. And we already have Switzerland for that. And as for thinking about 7 Reasons whilst walking to the post box, well we’ve done that once too. A cat followed one of us back. Fifty lemons followed the other.

4. “On average we waste seven minutes a day thinking, ‘what shall I do next’. That’s the equivalent of 42 hours a year. In 42 hours you could comfortably travel around the world or hold your breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. Both of these are highly dangerous and more often that not result in Deep Vein Thrombosis or death. This blog is an antidote to both. We like saving lives.” – As far as we are aware, in the last year no one has died because they tried to hold their breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. It would be too easy to say, ‘Well, it probably wouldn’t have happened anyway.’ Have a bit of humility and accept that 7 Reasons has saved lives. Except Paul the Octopus’. But he tried to hold his breath for his entire lifespan. We can’t help muppets.

5. “Sometimes people take things far too seriously. Life should not be about taking things seriously. It should be about frivolity and nonsense. Seriousness gives us sensible shoes and Jeremy Paxman. They are bad. It’s time to be far more light-hearted. We like joy.” – Without 7 Reasons the world would no doubt have imploded on worry by now. Yes, so a couple of bad things have happened in the last year. ‘So what?’ That’s the 7 Reasons attitude. ‘Let’s look on the bright side’. And that’s just what we did. When we didn’t vote in a coalition Government but got one anyway, it was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who hailed it the greatest thing that could have happened. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who finally made it acceptable to cycle in the nude. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who encouraged the invasion of France. 7 Reasons gave joy.

6. “Sometimes people don’t take things at all seriously. They should. Life is a serious business. Without seriousness we get Balloon Boy and Ken Dodd. They are bad. It’s time to look at things with far more thoughtfulness. We like serious.” – It’s a good job that 7 Reasons has existed in the past twelve months because without it the world would have turned into a laughing stock. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who pointed out the glaring flaws in naming Ryan Giggs as 2009 Sports Personality of the Year. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who advised against driving golf buggies up the M4. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who finally gave those who look like a horse the confidence to go out and not let it be a barrier to achieving success.** 7 Reasons gave seriousness another go.

7. “It’s the 21st Century and in the 21st Century you have to be able to back up what you say or do. It’s no good saying, ‘I just bought a new drill’ and then shrugging when your loved one asks why. You must have a reason. Other than, ‘because it had 25% off’. So there needs to be a database to help you answer that question. This is what we will provide. We like drills.” – Ironically, or stupidly, we have never provided you with 7 Reasons I Bought A New Drill, however, we do have the biggest database of reasons anywhere in the world.*** And we only have to read the ‘keyword analysis’ of this website to see that everyone is using this site from students, to the BBC, to pregnant women looking for a place to urinate to men who are wondering if it is acceptable to shake hands after touching their penis. No one can argue that 7 Reasons isn’t the ultimate self-help website.

*Useful in the fact that it means I don’t have to think too much about today’s post.

**We take no responsibility for Sarah Jessica Parker making Sex and the City 2.

***Logic dictates this. Who else would spend a year thinking up over 2000 reasons for random things?

October 27, 2010
7 Reasons Rome Clearly Had It In For Me

As an Englishman, when I travel abroad I like to cause as little trouble as possible. Sadly, when I went to Rome, trouble looked for me.

1. Roads. Now, call me a traditionalist, but I like two things from my roads. One: they should be fit for vehicles to manoeuvre up and down, and two: there should be occasional sets of traffic lights where those who have decided to travel upon foot can cross the road safely. While Rome provides both roads and traffic lights, it seems as if someone forgot to tell the drivers to stop when the little green man appears. As a result my holiday was nearly abruptly ended by six cars, two buses, fourteen mopeds and one skater.

2. Maps. I know it sounds like a cliche, but when one sees a free map, they should pick it up. I did just that. And for most of the first day I was able to understand it – we were still in Rome at least. That was until I started walking back to the hotel. The designers, in their Italian wisdom, had decided to mark the main tourist attractions on the map using small, 3D illustrations. And, to be fair to them, they did resemble the real-life draws. Unfortunately, they rarely appeared on the map facing the right direction. Consequently, I spent much of the walk home looking for the steps leading to the Campidoglio on the wrong road. To cut a long story short, we ended up back where we had started an hour earlier and I never held possession of the map again.

3. Wine. It is a well known fact in 7 Reasons circles that I am something of an amateur tea connoisseur. Sadly this is the only liquid based-substance that I have such a relationship with. Wine, for example, is something of an unknown quantity to me. There are three things I know about it. One, it comes in white; two, it comes in red; and, three, it should not be thrown over your girlfriend. Sadly, while Rome offered both white and red varieties, it also offered the opportunity for me to knock a glass over. Which I promptly accepted.

4. Gladiators. They’re an amorous lot. Even the fake ones hanging around the Colosseum, the Roman Forum, the Pantheon. Actually, let’s just call it Rome. They’re everywhere. And they took far too much of a liking to my girlfriend. If they weren’t trying to kiss her they were calling her Princess or offering to slay me. Yes, I know, it’s enough to make one quite nauseous. I mean, it was the type of behaviour I’d expect from the French or Piers Morgan.

5. String Sellers. Standing at the top of the Spanish Steps I was accustomed by two gentlemen, who – without invitation – decided to wrap string around my wrist. I was rather taken with the colours so allowed them to continue. ‘How nice,’ I thought, ‘no one has ever tied my wrists up in England before.’. As the string wound it’s way around my wrist to form a bracelet, I was told to make three wishes. ‘How nice,’ I thought, ‘this chap is certainly more friendly than that genie in a bottle.’. When he had finished, the other nice man decided to open his wallet to show me all the lovely notes inside. Initially I thought I got to choose which denomination of Euro I’d like, but after asking for €20 he became a bit grumpy. For a minute I thought he was asking me for money. Then I realised he actually was. At which point we became embroiled in a bitter stand off. They both wanted money for a bit of string, I wanted the string but not at a price. Sadly this story comes to a hugely anti-climatic end as, instead of letting me enjoy a bit of a fracas with Mussolini and Pinocchio, my girlfriend decided to gallop over and drag me away. At which point Pinocchio got all precious, whipped out his toe-nail clippers and cut the string. In doing so all my wishes were cast aside. Which just goes to show, in Rome you have to pay at least €5 for a yacht, a unlimited supply of tea-bags and a speaking dolphin.

6. Sarah. If I were a woman, and I can’t in all honesty say I have ever considered it as a career option, I suspect Sarah would be a name I would strongly consider. Or at least it would have been had I not been called it dozens upon dozens of times in Rome. On the first night, I assumed I had just done something effeminate with my hair, but, having altered my style every night thereafter, the Sarah-tag just wouldn’t leave. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Then I discovered they were actually saying, ‘Sera’. It means, ‘Evening’. I felt silly.

7. Hotel. I chose our hotel, so, upon arrival, I was somewhat relieved to find that I had indeed booked us into somewhere quite nice. There were no tea and coffee facilities, but on the plus side we did get slippers. The hotel carried on being pleasant until our final night when we suddenly noticed dozens of blue flashing lights creeping through the shutters in our room. Upon moving to the window, we opened the shutters to see the street lined with Police. And looking to our left we saw the start of a protest rally. Half an hour later the rally was holding a noisy, sit-down protest. In the road. Right outside our hotel. Like I say though, we did have slippers.

October 25, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: One Year In Numbers!

Wednesday 27th October 2010 marks the first birthday of 7 Reasons. In the past year we have written approximately 2,000 reasons. Which, thinking about it, is 1,993 more than we should have done. We have also had countless guest writers and hundreds upon hundreds of comments. Some good, mostly anti-Jon. All in all, it’s been pretty good. Hopefully year two will be even better. Maybe a book? Maybe a panel show? Maybe we’ll finally appear in Esquire? Who knows. But that’s the future. Today, I want to concentrate on what we’ve achieved.

Right, now that’s done, we can move on. Oh, but before we do, can we just say thank you to everyone who has read 7 Reasons over the last year. And give an even bigger thank you to those who have commented on and/or shared 7 Reasons posts. And then there needs to be an even bigger thank you to all those who have written for us. Saturdays wouldn’t be the same without you. Now let’s hug. Okay, that’s long enough. Someone’s lemon is pressing into my thigh.

October 24, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Always Ask Who Is On The Other Side Of The Door Before Opening

Another Saturday, another guest post. It’s almost as if it was what Saturdays were made for. Almost. Of course, they’re not. Saturdays were made for sport. But we can’t provide you with that here. So you’re getting a guest post. And today it comes from Sam Murray who, as well as making his debut on the 7 Reasons sofa, also sets a new ‘longest post title’ record. Well done Sam. Right, I’m off. There’s someone at the door. Which is quite a coincidence really considering Sam’s post is written in association with Door Stop, composite door manufacturers who are leading the way in providing U Value doors to the trade and construction industry.

A door in its purest sense is a moveable barrier used to cover an opening. Pretty handy and an invention I am sure we are not surprised to learn has been about since the dawn of time. The door was invented before the coming of any advanced civilization and was used by the earliest primitive people, maybe for some of the reasons below:

1. To Protect Yourself Against Vampires. According to Vampire folklore and mythology before a Vampire can enter your home you have to invite them in. Now I have not come across many vampires in my time but I am pretty sure that this is not because they are polite individuals who like to wait. Take a quick look out of your peep hole and if they look like they haven’t had a holiday for a while be on your guard.

2. To Stop Debt Collectors Erm… Collecting. Debt collectors can’t enter your home unless you invite them in or you leave a door or window open. So unless they also have super powers (or a ladder) you can probably afford to leave top floor windows open to for a frosty reception.

3. For The Sake Of Your Interior Design. It is rumoured that Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen from changing rooms and other Home Improvement shows preys on innocent and naive victims who let him into their home before he rearranges their furniture. Be warned and check before you let people in to your home, especially if they have silly hair and a colourful outfit.

4. To Discourage Squatting. Squatting has suddenly become hot property after news that Harry Hallowes, 71, was given a plot of land that could be worth up to £4 million. Harry has camped on the 60ft x 120ft patch of garden for around 21 years and has been dubbed Britain’s wealthiest vagabond after being given squatters’ rights to the plot in Highgate, North London. Always make sure you check who is on the other side of the door before vacating your property for a week or two or even when popping to the shops for milk.

5. So Your Friend Can Finish His Knock-Knock Joke. Knock-knock jokes are well entrenched in the UK and most of mainland Europe, even South Africa, Philippines and India. So it would be a shame if you didn’t ask who is on the other side of the door when your friend tries to impress you with their latest witty joke. Nobody likes a spoil sport, go on, ask.

6. To Avoid Trick And Treaters. The only form of begging that is acceptable – outsmarting a bunch of children by asking who it is before answering the door will although you to avoid any monetary loss or from cleaning up egg from your windows or doors.

7. Because You Can. Doors were invented and built for the exact purpose of privacy. No one can see you behind it so go ahead and ask, maybe even put on a voice and pretend you’re not in.

October 23, 2010
7 Reasons Hitler Should Have Played Risk (& Six Other Games That Could Have Changed The World)

It is generally accepted that war is bad (although it has given us some amazing films). The American poet, Eve Merriam, once said, ‘I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, “Mother, what was war?”‘ Given that she died in 1992, I suspect the odds of this happening are long. But it could have been very different. If only certain people had put down the dagger and picked up the dice.

1. Cowboys, Red Indians and Buckaroo. Everything I know about the Wild West I have learnt from historical documentaries staring John Wayne. And one theme is clear. Both the Red Indians and the Cowboys had horses. Another theme is that there was a lot of death. Sadly these documentaries rarely went into why such things were occurring. Half the time it seemed to be women or because they were bored. While one can admire they chivalric values of fighting over a woman, I can’t see the point in shooting someone just because you have nothing better to do. What a waste of a bullet. Or arrow. A much better use of time would have been to have played Buckaroo. Whoever got the saddle, satchel and cowboy hat on the horse without it bucking got a night with the one wearing the yellow ribbon. Or a piece of land. Who cares? There was loads of it.

2. The House Of Lancaster, The House Of York and Happy Families. In many respects the War Of The Roses was a disappointing war in that it featured little more than infighting. A great shame given that had both Houses joined forces they could have concentrated their energies on more pressing engagements. Like invading France. As it was though, both houses decided to fight each other to determine who should hold the throne of England. There was a lot of slapping and stabbing and shooting for thirty years until finally Henry Tudor (House of Lancaster) married Elizabeth of York (House of York), reconciled any differences between the two families and became King. How pathetically politically correct. They could have done that at the start. Or, even better, played Happy Families. Whoever got the most cards, got the throne. Simple. That particular history lesson would have been much shorter too. Which would have been a bonus.

3. The Kingdom Of Great Britain, Those Not Happy With The Kingdom Of Great Britain and Monopoly. In 1775 those occupying the British colonies in North America got a bit fed up with being under British rule. As a result, a year later, they thought they’d declare independence. This riled the Brits and so they had a bit of a war. That, at least, is the abridged version.* The Brits lost. And in the process ended up giving away lots of territory (including far too much to Spain and France). Oh and they also gave away blood. Lots of it. As a result, today we are in the ridiculous position of the United States of America owning all parts of the United States of America. And serving something like 200 coffees to every one tea. This is clearly wrong. Had the Monopoly board been whipped out in 1776 I would like to think we’d have been in the much better position of Great Britain owning at least New York and Boston and quite possibly the gas works too.

4. Napoleon and Battleships. Let’s not mince our words here, Napoleon was a muppet. He was never going to beat the British. He was French and the British were British. In fact, they probably still are. That’s just general knowledge. Unfortunately Napoleon wasn’t a general. He was an Emperor. And just like the Emperor penguin he was short, fat and waddled. That sort of stature was never going to win him the Battle Of Trafalgar. Especially as he saw fit to watch on from afar while he sent Pierre de Villeneuve off to fight Nelson. Pierre lost. If indeed Napoleon was the genius in the operational art of war as many have said, then he would almost certainly have had more chance if he and Nelson had sat down with Battleships. Given that Nelson lacked both a right arm and a right eye, you would have probably made Napoleon favourite for the contest. (Though he would have still lost. He was French).

5. Hitler and Risk. Just like Napoleon, Hitler was short. And just like Napoleon, he had a funny walk. Such mannerisms don’t suit dictators and for those reasons – although not alone – he quite rightly lost the second World War. He was also a twat. Anyway, had Hitler got Churchill, Roosevelt, de Gaulle, Stalin, Mussolini, Hirohito and Antonescu round to his bunker, the whole of World War II could have been decided in one night over one game of Risk. And even if Hitler had cleared up, it wouldn’t have mattered. The others could have shot him. Or tickled him to death. So we may never have heard the immortal words, ‘We shall fight on the beaches…’ but we would have had, ‘What goes on in the bunker, stays in the bunker’.

6. Richard Nixon, Leonid Brezhnev and Chess. The Cold War must be the scariest non-war of all time. Being in Britain in the 80’s and having access to an atlas, I had worked out that I was right in the middle of this conflict. Should the USSR launch a Nuclear missile and the USA counter, the collision was going to happen somewhere over Sussex. Bugger. Although I didn’t think of it at the time (and instead hid under my duvet) I wish Nixon and Brezhnev had played this thing out on a chess board some ten years before. It could have been like Booby Fischer verses Boris Spasky. Though instead of the title of the World Chess Championship at stake, more important things could be decided. Like who got to win the Nuclear Arms race.

7. George Bush, Tony Blair, Saddam Hussein and Pictionary. I suppose there’ll always be something of the Lord Lucan about weapons of mass destruction. Although, admittedly, only one of them existed. Had George, Tony and Saddam all got round a white board one day then I expect G&T could have got the proof they really required. George could have drawn a missile and something that resembled a weapon of mass destruction and Saddam would had had to guess what it was. If he had guessed correctly they’d know he had them. (Obviously you wouldn’t be able to recognise a weapon of mass destruction if you didn’t know what one was). Once G&T had the proof, they could have given Saddam 48 hours to get home and lock the door before they dropped the first bomb. Or, if he didn’t know what it was, everyone could have gone home. Or to Afghanistan.

*If you have stumbled across this page whilst writing your history project, I strongly advise you not to cut and paste.**

**Actually, that applies to all of the above.

October 21, 2010