Tag: Humor

7 Reasons Your Business Should Use Energy Comparison Websites

With energy prices set to soar yet again, more and more businesses are starting to take the decisions they make about their energy supplier far more seriously. Long gone are the days when you’d just sign on the dotted line and agree to any rate as long as you had power to the PCs. These days businesses really are looking for the best deals. Using energy comparison websites such as uSwitch for Business can help you do just that. Here’s why:

1. Apathy. Be honest, the thought of choosing an energy supplier doesn’t exactly get you hyperventilating with excitement does it? When it comes to running a business it’s very much a chore. A chore you’ll probably get one of your colleagues to deal with. The problem is – and we hate to be the ones to break it to you – your colleague is far more interested in playing with the new app on their smartphone than talking with energy suppliers. As a result you’ll get a knock on the office door at 4.59pm and the message, “I can’t find any better deals than the one we’ve got.” Of course they couldn’t. They didn’t even look. It would have taken minutes on uSwitch for Business.

2. Logic. If your company was going to buy a new car, printer, water cooler or bottle of milk, you’d look around for the best price. Well, maybe not for the milk – you’d probably break the petty cash piggy bank for that – but for the more outlandish investments definitely. Unfortunately, energy prices now fall into that outlandish category. As a result, it’s time to treat them as you would that new vehicle. It’s common sense really. And all good businesses are built on a foundation of common sense aren’t they?

3. Impartiality. Let’s spoil a myth. If you phone up energy supplier A it’s highly unlikely they’re going to tell you to give B a call. Similarly, B aren’t going to suggest you contact C. Sad as it may seem, A, B and C all want your money and will do their best to convince you that they are the best. To discover which two are being economical with the truth, use a comparison website like uSwitch for Business. They aren’t interested in which supplier you go with, they are interested in making sure you get the best deal. (Incidentally, there aren’t energy suppliers called A, B and C, so don’t bother searching for them. We were just being impartial).

4. Jargonbusting. With so may tariffs and rates and rules and regulations, working out which supplier you should go with is a bit of a nightmare. Just understanding half the spiel is complicated enough. Who knows, perhaps they write things in such a way that you’re meant to get confused and bored before the end of the second paragraph. Perhaps that’s their best chance of getting you to sign. It’s good to know then that you’ve got someone like uSwitch for Business who will cut through all that nonsense and tell you, simply – in English, not gibberish – who will give you the best deal.

5. Cost. This is probably what you’re most interested in isn’t it? The good news is there is money to be saved here. So before you automatically renew your contract, take a look around. Use uSwitch for Business and see how much they can save you. It could be as much as 70%. That’s a massive saving on a packet of doughnuts, let alone on your energy bills.

6. Time. It’s an old saying and it’s probably become something of a cliché now, but that’s not to say it isn’t true. Time is money. If you have the time to speak to dozens of different energy suppliers, find out what they have to offer and then do your own comparison, then either your company is leading the way out of the economic gloom or you’re doing it wrong. The chances are your company doesn’t have the time to sit down for a day and analyse who you should go with and why. You’re far too busy doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Or planning the Christmas party. That’s why comparing gas and electricity for business on comparison websites is an absolute time saver. And time is money.

7. Gimmick Free Zone. Which bank would you choose – the bank that can get you the best rates or the bank that has the radio station or the water-slide? One would hope, for your sake, that it’s the former. Deciding which energy supplier to go with is exactly the same. No one is interested in the fact that supplier A can get you 20% off at the local spa, nor are they interested that B can get you 10% off your mobile contracts if you switch from that network to that one within 30 days of signing a contract. All businesses want to know is who is the best energy supplier for their needs. And that’s exactly what energy comparison websites such as uSwitch will tell you.

October 29, 2011
7 Reasons It’s Time To Fin…

Hello people of the world and of other places that we’re less familiar with. We have an announcement to make. It’s time to fin….Here are (wait for it! Wait for it!) seven reasons why.

1. Familiarity Breeds Apathy – Part A (Us). The more observant of you will have noticed that 7 Reasons has been rocking the internet for two years. In the beginning we made a promise to ourselves – and you – that we would post every single day. And, for the most part, we did. For the statisticians among you our strike-rate was a healthy 92.28%. The problem is, as time passed, we grew weary of the 7 Reasons format. By the time we published our 690th post/4,830th reason, the joy had dissipated. It had become more of a chore than an enjoyment. So we’re stepping back. We’re tearing up our promise and changing it to something like, ‘7 Reasons for something or other if and when we think of it, which we might. Possibly. Or not’. In other words, the relentless day to day posting is a thing of the past. Instead we’ll post irregularly. As and when we think of things. The joy will come back, the writing will be more fun for us and angry emails accusing each other of failing to deliver will cease. We might even become friends.

2. Familiarity Breeds Apathy – Part B (You). We’re modern men. We can pick up signals. As a 7 Reasons reader – and we are thankful to all of you who turn to us for your lunchtime* reading – we know it’s easy to think it’s okay to miss a post. And of course it’s okay. As strange as it may seem, we’re not your parents, and we’re especially not your mother. What isn’t acceptable is why you’re missing them. Don’t like the topic? Fine. Too busy at work? Fine. Happy to miss one because there’ll be another one along tomorrow? Not fine. Again, that’s not what 7 Reasons is supposed to be about. So by going to an irregular format, we’re making 7 Reasons posts a novelty. Something to cherish and savour.

3. Autophagia. That’s right. We’ve begun to eat ourselves. 7 Reasons has become a part of our daily lives. And not necessarily in a good way. In a bygone era we had blogs and if something grabbed our attention we’d write about it there. If it didn’t, we’d leave it well alone. In the past two years we haven’t been able to leave anything alone. It has been impossible to do anything without working out how a 7 Reasons post could be made out of it. While it was kind of fun for us initially – and is great for friends who keep suggesting topics, no matter how hard we try to stop them – it’s actually a quite restrictive format to write to. And 7 Reasons was never meant to make us cantankerous old gits. But that’s what we’ve become. It’s time the old Marc and Jon came out to play again. The uncynical Marc and Jon. The ones who – on seeing a woman falling down a manhole cover – would feel obliged to effect a rescue (or at least make a video), rather than to begin writing 7 Reasons Women Shouldn’t Fall Down Manholes.***

4. Time. A lot of it has been dedicated to 7 Reasons. Remember the good old days when Jon was busily planning 83-trips back and forth across America, catching 100 buses in one night, searching the world for his best-friend’s look-alike, growing a mo and making Richard Bacon seem interesting? Well, in the last two years he hasn’t done any of that sort of thing. And that’s not what 7 Reasons was supposed to do. It wasn’t supposed to consume so much time. Its overbearing beat wasn’t supposed to dominate the rhythm of our lives.

“What’ve you been doing today Marc?” friends ask.

“7 Reasons,” comes the reply.

And that’s the same conversation both of us have been having for the last two years**. We want to be able to reply with, “I’ve been writing a script”, “I painted six sheep luminous yellow” or “I’ve been wondering why See Hear has a theme tune”. We want to be fun again. Or daft. Or both. And we will be.

5. Archive. There’s enough stuff here already. There’s bloody loads of it. There are many, many very good posts here containing some of our best words that have barely been read at all. Every once in a while, someone will discover one of them, dust it off, share it with their friends and it’ll get loads of hits for a few days and then it’ll quieten down again. Then another thing that even we’d forgotten we’d written will get discovered and shared around the world. If you think you’ve read every post you’re probably wrong. Or, even if you’re right, you’ve probably forgotten them by now and could read them again afresh. If you think of 7 Reasons as a goldfish bowl, we have put the gravel and water in, plus the castle, the diver, some food and a post about attacking a train with stones and excrement. You (the golden fish in this scenario) can merrily swim around here forever reading and rereading things with nary a hint of deja vu. We have written enough.

6. It’s Not Like We’re Totally Going Away. We’re not. We’re still running the Emporium – in fact, we’re putting new merchandise into it soon – and we’ll still be doing strange things to the back end of the website in the middle of the night, usually with disastrous consequences. We just won’t be here every day. Well, we probably will, we just won’t be saying anything with our words. Or our pictures. So we won’t be posting anything under Daily Posts any more. Instead, we’ll be posting things under New Posts, should the mood take us. We’ll also still be happy to accept good guest posts from readers(/writers) that we know. After all, guest posts are brilliant. Sometimes it’s as if they just write themselves.

7. Because We’ve Started Talking French. After all, it’s not goodbye. It’s au revoir. Au revoir!

*Midnight reading if it’s a Fearns’ day

**Not together

***Unintentional innuendo win

October 27, 2011
7 Reasons That Jack And The Beanstalk Is A Bad Example For Children

As a parent, I’m conscious that I have a grave and onerous responsibility to instil an inherent sense of right and wrong in my son. To make certain that, during his formative years, he is given the equipment which will eventually enable him to become a good and productive member of society. To give him good values; tolerance, a respect for others, for law and order, for property. For that reason I won’t be reading him Jack and the Beanstalk. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Jack Is Feckless. What’s the first thing he does? He – on behalf of his mother – takes their one marketable asset (a cow) to market, but instead of selling it – as instructed – to raise much needed capital, he takes it upon himself to strike a different bargain with a shifty stranger. He swaps the cow for some magic beans. That’s magic beans. Beans that are magic. This says that not only is disobeying your parents the right thing to do, but that if a stranger offers you something highly dubious in return for a real and tangible asset that’s a perfectly good transaction to make. Essentially this encourages both charlatanism and fecklessness. And Paul McKenna.

2. Jack Is A Trespasser. Later in the story, he goes through a garden and breaks into a house. And it’s not just anyone’s house. It’s the house of a poor, unfortunate sufferer of the genetic condition giantism. So not only is he trespassing, he’s committing that crime against a minority. Despite being rather high up, Jack’s the lowest sort of criminal bully.

3. Jack Is Unapologetic. And what is the giant’s reaction to finding that someone has broken into his home? Well, perfectly understandably, he’s not best pleased. He wants to set about Jack (and he is perfectly within his rights to defend himself and his property using reasonable force). But what does Jack do? Like the weasel he is, he slinks off, with the help of the giant’s wife, no less. Jack has set one partner against the other and has breached the sacred bonds of trust between a man and his wife, and all because he’s too cowardly to face his victim.

4. Jack Is A Burglar. Then on his way out, Jack steals some gold coins. So it’s not mere trespass now. It’s burglary. Should we really be encouraging our children to consider burgling the homes of minorities? Is that really a good message? Wouldn’t a better message be don’t burgle the homes of minorities? Don’t, in fact, burgle anyone?

5. Jack Is A Serial Offender. What does Jack do after he’s returned home? Does he, in the cold light of day, come to regret his actions? Does he show remorse? Does he head to his local police station to hand himself in or return to the giant’s house to reimburse him and offer to make amends? No. He goes back to the giant’s house and burgles it again. Twice! Jack is not only a career criminal. By picking on the poor giantism sufferer again and again, he’s persecuting a minority.

6. Jack Is A Murderer. What does Jack do during his final burglary? He murders the giant; a man who has already had his (sadly truncated) life blighted by an unfortunate genetic condition and who has been tyrannized by a serial burglar, is killed in cold blood by Jack in a desperate attempt to cover up his many crimes. Even Ryan Giggs hasn’t resorted to murdering people yet to cover anything up. We’d all better hope that he doesn’t read Jack and the Beanstalk. The body count could be enormous.

7. Jack Is A Psychopath. What manner of comeuppance does Jack receive for his numerous sordid and cruel misdeeds. Prison? Capital punishment? A community service order? A lifetime subscription to OK Magazine? No. Jack gets to marry his sweetheart – the daughter of a count* – and live happily ever after, a wealthy man. Happily! He doesn’t even suffer from the slightest bit of conscience induced existential torment. There’s no regret at all, or remorse, the lack of which is one of the most marked symptoms of psychopathy.

Is a disobedient, feckless, trespassing, uncompassionate, home-wrecking, burgling, serial-offending, bullying, bigoted, murdering psychopath really a healthy role model for our children?** Jack even gets rewarded for his appalling behaviour. I don’t think we should be telling this story to our children at all. I think we should be reading them this one.

*Not a typo.

**It didn’t go well for Colonel Gadaffi’s kids.

October 26, 2011
7 Reasons Fining The French Is The IRB’s Most Idiotic Decision Yet

Over the years I have written many 7 Reasons posts – you may have noticed. None, though, have been written with such ferocious anger as this. Sunday was an odd day for me. Possibly suffering the after effects of Rapture 2.0, I did something I have never done before. I supported the French. I couldn’t help it. They played the better rugby in the World Cup Final. They played all the rugby. But my mind was made up before the kick-off. My made was made up during the Haka. The French advanced on it! I love it when teams do that. So you see, from that moment on, I had to support the French. The thing is, though, I had expected that to be the end. The end of my fanciness for all things French. But it’s not. Because I found myself outraged on hearing the news that the prats – and I don’t use that word lightly – at the IRB had handed France a £2,500 fine. For walking! It is just one of a number of pathetic decisions by the IRB jobsworths, but it’s probably the worst. Here’s why:

1. Hypocrisy. I don’t know if the esteemed members of the IRB have ever watched the Haka, but I have. And, as someone who knows*, let me be the first to tell them it’s not exactly morris-dancing. Lacking as it does the necessary handkerchiefs. I have never studied the Haka in detail, but the common theme running through all variations appears to be murder. The murder of the opposition. That’s naughty. If they want to fine anyone, they should fine the Kiwis for repeated death threats.

2. Respect. The charge levied at the French is that they advanced beyond the halfway line and in doing so not only disobeyed IRB regulations but disrespected the Haka. This is just wrong on so many levels. For a start, I saw an arrow with Thierry Dusautoir at the head. Then his comrades formed a horizontal line next to him. Take from this what you will. Maybe you saw men walking. Or, maybe like me, you saw men walking. Walking is not disrespectful. Especially if, like the French, you all happen to be holding hands at the time. It was just the French saying we accept the challenge. All be it in terrifically camp fashion. It was brilliant.

3. McCaw. Richie has his admirers – Kiwi’s being one** – and his detractors – basically anyone who sees his all too regular infringements. But this isn’t about his on-field play. This is about his post-match interview. On being asked by former Kiwi wicket-keeper, Ian Smith, for his reaction to their victory, McCaw replied, “I’m absolutely shagged…”. Now, if anyone was bringing the game into disrepute, surely it is McCaw by saying this. He is supposed to be setting an example to millions of youngsters around the world. The only thing this will do is encourage youngsters to repeat his words. For a sport in which men readily put their hands up between other men’s legs, this isn’t ideal.

4. Spectacle. I love the Haka. I love all the war cries. I even have my own which I prepare before taking on the shower. What I love even than the Haka, though, are the responses. Maybe it’s the pride in me, maybe it’s the naivety, but I like to think if someone was saying they were going to chop my head off, I’d have the gumption to say ‘not if I get to you first’. As an Englishman I’d love to do a Cockerill. Don’t be immature. Not like that. I mean a Richard Cockerill. He went face to face with Norm Hewitt in ’97. Then there’s the Welsh response in 2008 and the Irish’s Willie Anderson-led response in 1989. It’s just brilliant viewing before the real battle starts. I can only presume the IRB are anti-spectator.

5. Young Man. While the Haka does contain throat-slitting references, no one can deny that it is also inspired by YMCA. Just look at the photo above. Everyone knows that as soon as YMCA filters through to the ear drums it is instinct to walk to to the dance floor. The IRB can’t fine for instinct.

6. Missing The Point. Now the IRB have an extra £2,500 to spend on their golfing day, perhaps they’d like to discuss some of the real issues in the game around the ninth tee. Perhaps they’d like to sort out the inconsistencies in refereeing decisions. Perhaps they’d like to encourage putting the ball in straight at scrum time. Perhaps they’d like to explain how Courtney Lawes got a two-match suspension for ‘kneeing’ Mario Ledesma and yet USA Eagles captain, Todd Clever, got away with a ridiculous off the ball shoulder charge and high tackling against Russia. Or is that just wishful thinking?

7. French Resistance. I have very little left to give. I’m writing a 7 Reasons piece in which I am pretty much defending the French. As anyone who read 7 Reasons To Invade France will know, this is a massive turnaround in my mindset. The IRB have done this. The IRB have made me feel sorry for the French. The IRB are the one’s telling me not to try and sell you a France Invasion t-shirt.*** Helmets.

*Boy Scout Camp Trip. Circa 1993.

**My fiancee being another. I am yet to work out why.

***Nice link work.

October 25, 2011
7 Reasons To Refer To Ourselves In The Third Person

What’s the worst thing that you can do during a conversation with anyone? Well okay, there are probably many things that spring to mind, but up at the top of the list, somewhere between murder and suddenly removing your trousers is referring to yourself in the third person, which is an abominable thing to do. But is it? What if we all did it? It might not necessarily be the worst thing that could happen. Here are seven reasons why.

1. It Would Lessen The Impact. What’s your first reaction to hearing someone refer to himself in the third person? That’s right: Shock. On encountering anyone structuring a sentence in this manner the encountee is usually flabbergasted, dumbstruck, stupefied and not a little appalled. Self-doubt can even feature: Wait! Did he just refer to himself in the third person? Surely not. If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, it would come as less of a shock.

2. It Would De-stigmatise It. Once (or if) you recover from the resultant shock and self doubt that arises from an encounter with someone that refers to himself in the third person (Craig David Listener Syndrome, to use the correct medical term) there’s another reaction: He did! What a egomaniacal pillock! What a pompous pudding head! What an numb-skulled narcissistic nitwit! If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, we wouldn’t draw this unkind – though perfectly reasonable – conclusion about the few people that do this now.

3. It Would Be Useful. I have a deep-seated social flaw (other than the ability to make hostile idiots furious by writing about some meal deal). I can’t remember names. Well, actually, I can remember some names, though usually not the ones of anyone I’m conversing with at the time, or if I do it’s invariably the wrong one. For six years I referred to my nieces as Natalie and The Ginger One, but it turns out that I was wrong there too. It was Nadia, not Natalie. Imagine how brilliant it would be if everyone used their own name in conversation, as no one would ever forget another name again. It would be even better than name badges, which – to people that can’t remember names and feel uncomfortable about their inability to remember them – are just a cruel trick:

“Have you forgotten my name again, Marc?”

“No…er…Joanne, I was just…staring at your breast.”

If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, this would stop.

4. It Would Prick Pomposity. And pompous pricks need their pomposity pricked. It’s safe to say that if he had had to utter the sentence “Muammar bin Mohammad bin Abdussalam bi Humayd bin Abu Manyar bin Humayd bin Nayil al Fuhsi Gaddafi needs to visit the little boys room” every time he had needed to use the toilet he would have soon tired of it and renamed himself Kevin or something equally simple. Ever heard of a tyrant called Kevin? No. If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, there’d be less self-aggrandisement and egomania.

5. It Would Improve The Internet. One of the absolute best things about the internet is Youtube, where you can see or hear just about anything (so long as it doesn’t contain anything that Sony BMG have even breathed near). But what’s the worst thing about Youtube? Yes, the seemingly boundless trolling and abuse. The blinkered partisanship and casual racism. Having to refer to oneself in the third person would change all this. Comments like “Chad Thompson says that you should get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” would soon put a stop to that odious meme. Or, if not, they would soon be followed by “Chad Thompson’s Mom says Chad Thompson is grounded and can’t use the internet for two weeks. Chad Thompson’s Mom says that Chad Thompson’s Mom won’t be going to the kitchen to make Chad Thompson a sandwich any time soon. Chad Thompson’s Mom says that Chad Thompson can go to the kitchen and make Chad Thompson’s Mom a sandwich.” If we all referred to ourselves in the third person, there’d be less nastiness. Or more sandwiches.

6. It Would Be A Guide To Pronunciation. Are you unable to pronounce simple names? Do you find it hard to enunciate even the simplest and most commonly-heard monikers? In that case, hello BBC Radio 5Live’s Stephen Nolan, welcome to 7 Reasons! Oh, and help is at hand. Now that your callers will have to pronounce their own names when proffering an opinion you’ll soon learn that Marc is not pronounced mork, Will is not pronounced well and Siobhan is actually pronounced…no…no one knows the answer to that, but if we all referred to ourselves in the third person we’d find out.

7. It Would Be Good For Me. I have a two syllable name. Or, to be quite clear, two names of one syllable each. This would mean that in any conversation I’d spend very little time saying my own name and more time saying the important, fascinating and scintillating things about…er…er…tiramisu and cats and stuff? Well, whatever, at least I’d know who I was saying them to. That would be a start.

October 24, 2011
7 Reasons Why A Gastric Band Might Be The Answer

There are many reasons why someone may wish to lose weight and many ways in which they could go about it. Today though, we’re looking at just one. We’re delving deep into the world of gastric bands. And, believe it or not, it’s actually quite a trip.

1. Fashion Options. There is so much advice about what you should or shouldn’t wear if you consider yourself a little overweight, that it’s almost impossible to know who to believe. The general consensus appears to be “wear something black with vertical stripes”. Which is great if you like looking like a zebra, but even going with that look seven days a week might be a bit much. So why not take a look at having a gastric band? It’ll add a bit of life to your wardrobe too.

2. Elastic. The unscientific alternative to a gastric band has surely got to be an elastic band. However, while putting the latter around your waist may sound like a cheap alternative, are you really going to trust the stationery cupboard when it comes to helping you with your weight loss ambitions? Hopefully not. For a start, it’s a well known fact that elastic bands never come in the size you need. They’re either far too small that they snap as soon as they are stretched or they’re so big that you have to wrap them round at least thrice before they have any impact. Oh, and then they snap too. You really don’t want elastic bands snapping around your waist. Who knows where they’ll end up?

3. Genes. It’s very easy for the thin brigade to walk down the street, see someone without the perfect body shape and immediately assume it’s because they don’t do any exercise or because they have an unhealthy diet. The reality can be very different. For many it’s a case of genetics. Despite walking miles a day, going to the gym and embracing every soup and lettuce based diet out there, nothing seems to help. Meanwhile, other people live on their takeaway and TV diet to no apparent adverse consequences. It seems incredibly unfair. So talk to someone who understands. Talk to The Hospital Group and find out how they can help you.

4. Medication. It could be that you’re on medication. Or it could be that you have a health condition. Both can cause weight issues making it very difficult for you to keep to a weight you are happy with. It shouldn’t have to be that way and thanks to gastric bands it doesn’t have to be. Not only will they help you control your weight, a gastric band also helps reduce the risk of developing high blood pressure, diabetes and many other obesity related disorders.

5. The Oxygen Deficiency Approach. The quickest way to look thin is to take a deep breath and use your tummy muscles to suck in your stomach. The problem with this approach is that it’s not very conducive to talking. If you really don’t want someone to see that you’re a bit overweight, you’ll have to suck in your stomach, walk up to them, spin around, breathe out, talk, breathe in, spin around and await their response. Which might me something along the lines of, “you know something, you’re weird.” It’s probably not the way you wanted the conversation to go.

6. The ‘Music’. This will probably come as no surprise to you, but rather predictably there is a group called The Gastric Band. It needs to be pointed out right now that The Gastric Band will not help you lose weight. Not unless you want to go for the ‘listen to noise, get a migraine, be very sick’ approach. Something we don’t condone in anyway. Far better would be to save your ears, save your head and save your loved-one making regular trips between your bedside and the bathroom with buckets by getting a gastric band instead.

7. Not So Magic. The gastric band isn’t the only option of course, you could have a gastric balloon inserted into your stomach. It’s a viable alternative, but do beware if you see something that causes knots in your stomach. You might end up fashioning a balloon dog. Or a giraffe. Sure, it’s a good trick to pull off, but rather wasted inside your stomach don’t you think?

October 23, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons My Wife Buys The Best Presents

Just supposing, for instance, that this was the last Guest Post we ever published. Who would you like it to be written by? I suspect at least 26% of you would choose Richard O’Hagan. Like Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best who posted last week and Liz Gregory who posted a few weeks ago, Richard is a 7 Reasons stalwart. He’s the author of The Memory Blog, the face behind @theskiver and he likes marmite. That, we think, is all you need to know.

Crisps!

It recently came to my attention that there are people out there who make a career of going shopping for other people. Now, personally, I cannot think of anything worse than going shopping for other people. I mean, going shopping for myself is stressful enough. Going shopping for presents doubly so. Why on earth would you want to make a career out of it*?

Fortunately**, I am married to a woman who also hates shopping. Which therefore makes it even more surprising that she is the best present buyer ever. I don’t just mean by comparison with me, either, because I am completely rubbish at it (one year I gave her a cheese grater as a gift). Just consider this: The People Who Buy Presents For Other People need you to give them some sort of a list, so that they know roughly what to get. I have a wish list on Amazon – two of them, in fact – and my wife almost never uses it. Instead, she uses her initiative to come up with wonderful gifts such as this:

1. A Box of Seabrook’s Tomato Ketchup Crisps. My life is an endless quest for ketchup flavoured crisps, and has been ever since I first tried them on our honeymoon. Since when I have rarely seen them in the shops, not even in the USA where, frankly, you’d expect the locals to be munching them down for breakfast lunch and dinner. It had never occurred to me to simply see if you could buy them off the internet, but my wife did.

2. A Cross Pen. No, not an angry writing implement. I once commented to my wife that my Tombo fountain pen seemed to be nearing the end of its life. I then thought no more of it until, approximately three months later, I received a beautiful Cross pen as a Christmas present. A pen of such high quality that I’ve had to learn how to write with it. And I didn’t even ask for it.

3. A Book About Scriptwriting. For almost two years now (or over two years, depending upon when this gets published) I have been labouring over a script for a television comedy. It is very hard to get a script commissioned if you are not either an established writer, or related to one, or both. It hadn’t even occurred to me that there are books that I could consult about the subject, but this one now nestles in my bedside cabinet where I can dip into it whenever I want. So far, it has been invaluable.

4. A Letter Opener. I don’t get much mail, and most of what I do get is either bills that I have already received online and magazines that I subscribe to. But every now and then I get a proper letter, in a proper envelope, and I need to open it. My fingers are not only large, but they are often in a state of mangledness after a close encounter with a cricket ball or a rugby boot. I have always wanted a letter opener and was therefore extremely pleased when my wife gave me one as a Christmas present, even though I still cannot recall mentioning to her that I wanted one.

5. Marmite Spoons. That’s right, spoons for scooping the yummy delight that it Marmite out of the jar and onto your bread, toast or whatever. Each has a different Marmite jar on the top. You can’t beat being able to offer your guests Marmite with a special spoon. Words cannot describe the envious looks that I get.

6. A CD Subscription. Did you know that Rough Trade Records have a subscription service? I didn’t. My wife did. It is a very simple plan. You give them money and each month they choose a new CD and send it to you. You discover music that you might not listen to otherwise. It is like the Olympics ticket lottery, only you actually get something at the end of it. A brilliant idea, and a brilliant gift

7. Cricket. Not a gift that you can easily giftwrap, I’ll admit. Cricket may be the best game on the planet, but even I have to admit that it can take a little while to play. Despite this, my wife has never once tried to stop me playing it, or going to watch it, and lumbering her with our exuberant child to look after. There are not many better gifts that selflessly letting someone do something they love.

All of which means that you can forget using any of these services, because they will never be as inventive at gift buying as my wife is. Now, where did I put that cheese grater?

*Unless you are my mother, who would regard this as a dream job.

**For me, not necessarily for her.

October 22, 2011
7 Reasons To Revisit Movember

If you knew me or read 7 Reasons (or indeed both) this time two years ago, you will know that I was preparing my face for Movember. After a year off in 2010 – so that I didn’t scare the future mother-in-law – I have decided to have another go. In a little over a week I am going for glory. Here’s why:

1. Colour. The first thing you’ll notice from the above is that the 2009 edition of my Movember ‘tache was somewhat ginger – with assorted whispy grey bits. It wasn’t pleasant and saw me stay exclusively in my room for the final week. 730 days on though and surely the pigments have matured? I need to know.

2. Engineering. The design I went for last time was something of a bespoke handlebar. A small handlebar for a ginger bike. I can’t honestly say that it did much for my then otherwise burgeoning sex appeal. This Movemeber I need to find out whether I can bring sexy back. I suspect I can. As long as I’m just in my pants.

3. Growth. If you think the above was precision trimmed everyday, you’d be wrong. The handlebar in question was never touched. It just grew and grew and grew. Slowly and slowly and slowly. In hindsight I actually think my follicles got bored around the second Wednesday and gave up. I need to know that can now grow something worthwhile. Something that will enable me to call myself a real man.

4. Brotherly Love. My brother is nearly two and a half years younger than me, but he can grow a beard. And a moustache. Sometimes together. Not only does this break the rules of brotherhood (a younger sibling must never make his elder look unmanly), but it also means he is better than me at something. And as all those with younger brothers can testify, this is not a pleasant or indeed acceptable situation. As such I must grow a mo this Movember to show that – normally – I don’t have facial hair out of choice, not inability.

5. Food. I like to think I’m a pretty good eater. I’ve certainly always found that I have good food to mouth coordination. Obviously there are some foods, however, that are slightly tricky to eat. Biscuits for example. Despite the speed at which I get them to my mouth, I always find a few crumbs on my t-shirt or the sofa. The crumbs that fall from the base of the biscuit, well a mo can’t do much about those, but the crumbs that fly up from the top of the biscuit as you bite into it, well they could be caught in my moustache. Perfect for a late-afternoon snack.

6. Excuse. B*Witched said ‘blame it on the weatherman’, this month I’ll blame it on the moustache. November is the kind of month when I am at my clumsy best. I am bound to knock over a plant or drop keys down a drain or accidentally steal a baby. They are not things the clean shaven version of me does. Well, apart from the plant thing. That’s just standard. Stealing babies though, is something I certainly don’t do. But, if for some strange reason I find myself charging through the North Downs will a baby, you’ll know why.

7. Massage. I know it makes me sound like a bit of a tart, but I do like a head massage. Especially when I don’t have to give myself one. Coincidentally they work wonders when I am trying to think of seven reasons. Must be a stress thing. Anyway, if the massage goes to where the hair is, maybe I’ll get a top lip massage too?*

*Oh. Apparently I won’t.

October 20, 2011
7 Reasons Weddings Aren’t Just For Girls

It is a common belief that weddings are for girls. From a young age they are brainwashed into believing it’s the one day when they are a Princess and waiting for them at the altar is their very own Prince Charming. I know, it makes your skin crawl. The thing is though, in the nine months that I have been engaged, I have come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, weddings are for boys too. (This post is written with apologies to men everywhere.)

Cricket Wedding Cake Topper by Louise Hunter

1. Food. You can have pretty much anything you like – within your budget of course. And because we all have more than one favourite meal, the real bonus is that you can offer two or three options on the menu. When you then bring in to the equation that there are going to be about one hundred other people eating the food that you love the opportunity of being able to get your hands on seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths and sixths isn’t so much a possibility as a certainty.

2. Speeches. Three of them. All by men. It’s the only time in life when women have no choice but to be quiet for an hour. There is a newfangled phase coming in that is seeing brides saying a few words too, but if you are lucky you’ll be at a more traditional wedding where the women stop rabbiting for a while.

3. Free Dating Service. Assuming you’re not the groom, weddings are fantastic for men. I mean, obviously they are good for the groom because you get a wife, but for other men, single men, they are also really good. Not only do you get free, limitless amounts of food and alcohol, the bride and groom will have probably made it their unofficial mission of the day to fix you up with someone. That’s why you’ll almost certainly find yourself sitting next to a single lady. Never fear if you don’t like her though, the bridesmaids are always up for it. It’s tradition. Usually under the cake table.

4. Planning. My future wife and I don’t argue, but we do have differing opinions. She’s of the opinion that there is a lot to get done for the wedding while I am of the opinion that it (whatever it is) will get done and I will get around to doing it just as soon as the cricket and rugby seasons have finished. It’s a test of resolve really. Which is pretty much what life is like really. So saying weddings are just for girls, is like saying life is just for girls. It’s not. It’s for boys too. Until they get married anyway.

5. Secrecy. With most weddings occurring on Saturdays, men are going to miss sport.* This means they have to check the scores on their mobile phones. It’s quite a thrill I assure you. Trying to do such a thing without your girlfriend, mother, new wife noticing. My cousin got married during the Beijing Olympics and while I was thankful for the eight-hour time difference, the ceremony still clashed with the 200m final. I was thankful for the whispering commentary behind me. Though the mother of the bride looked less than impressed with the news that Usain Bolt had done the business. Which is shame really. He ran jolly fast.

6. Hats. It’s odd, women spend months agonising over what to wear and which hat to don, then, come the wedding they hardly keep it on. The hat that is. Most of them usually manage to keep their clothes on. The hats form a source of hilarity though. Especially for the men. If you didn’t laugh at the woman who looked like she was wearing a satellite dish and got it lodged in the church door, you will do by the time you get to wear it. Hats are always passed around by men. They are always tried on. Photos are always taken. It’s strange, go to House of Fraser and try on a lot of hats and people think you’re weird. Try a load on at a wedding though and people think you’re cool and funny. They’re a fickle bunch.

7. Wife. You get one! A real-life, flesh and bones wife! Wives are cool so I’m told. They cook nice food, they iron your shirts, they let you watch sport. And they do it for the rest of your lives together. Which, assuming she doesn’t catch you watching Baywatch, could be for a very long time indeed. Funky.

*Except at mine which has been deliberately organised for a date before the start of the Olympics, before the start of Wimbledon, after the England rugby team have been on their summer tour and in-between Test Matches. It does though clash with Euro 2012. But you can’t have everything.**

**I will keep you updated throughout my speech though. Don’t worry.

NB: This post is dedicated to my future wife (and not just because she helped me think of some of the reasons). It’s because, you know, I love her and stuff.

October 19, 2011
7 Reasons Up The Stairs Is Amazing

Not so long ago I discovered a clip from a game-show on the internet. A game-show from Japan – home of everything utterly mad – called Up The Stairs. Knowing from having seen many other Japanese game-shows that this would probably be both awesome and impenetrable, I decided to concentrate hard on this clip and try to make some sense of it. I was right on both counts. Here are seven reasons that Up The Stairs Is Amazing.

1. It Looks Abominably Cruel. They’re sending a little old lady up the stairs. That’s what they’re doing, and the stairs look slippery. And there are men at the top wearing only pants; they don’t look very friendly. She looks particularly doddery, and the stairs look particularly slippery. What manner of fiendishness is this?

2. Oh My God! Now look what’s happened! The old lady’s fallen down the slippery stairs and has plummeted headlong into a pool. There’s an elderly lady drowning! Oh, the indignity! Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity!

3. Help Is At Hand. But it’s not as cruel as I thought, because at least there are people helping her out. There’s a young woman, an old man, a baseball player, another old woman, a businessman and a dustman(?). What the hell are they all doing there? Is this the Japanese version of the Village People? And now the plucky old girl’s having another go! Now she’s running back up the stairs! No…she’s plummeting down the stairs and headlong into the pool again. But undeterred, she’s getting up again, a little breathlessly. But now something amazing’s happening. In a brilliant show of teamwork and solidarity, some other members of the Village People are going up the stairs with her. Now the old lady, the old man, the businessman and the baseball player are storming up the stairs. But the men in pants are hurling water-balloons at them! They score a direct hit on the old lady! She’s skidding down the stairs again. And oh, no! Her dress has come open. Aaaarrggghh!!!!

4. Wait! Thank God! That’s No Old Lady! That’s a younger man dressed as an old lady. I’ve seldom been this relieved to discover that a woman is, in fact, a man dressed as a woman. If ever. The charge up the stairs isn’t going well though. The businessman (who could well be an old lady dressed as a businessman. It’s that weird) soon follows the old lady in her descent down the slippery staircase, immediately followed by the old man (awesome direct hit by balloon to face)and the baseball player (hit on the hand, making him look like a bit of a banana). But then something truly amazing happens.

5. A Hero Emerges. The businessman has gone berserk. He’s already bounded halfway up the stairs and has stopped to make gestures (he could be summoning a giant squid from the moon. He could be exhorting a man on a bicycle to ejaculate a pancake. It’s that mad). Then he strikes. A man-in-his-pants throws a huge water-balloon at him. He ducks it. A second man-in-his-pants throws a second huge water balloon at him. It hits him square on the face and he plummets down the stairs. Soon he is followed by the old man and a new man-in-his-pants (that may formerly have been the old lady). But he doesn’t give up hope. Now the businessman’s as mad as hell and he’s not going to take it any more (Ironically, a bit like the Michael Douglas character in Falling Down). Suddenly he’s back near the top again. A man-in-his-pants throws a bucket of water at him. Then another one does. Then they start throwing stuffed red cuboids at him. Then a man-in-his-pants hits him with one. Suddenly, the businessman grabs one of the men in pants and hurls him over his shoulder and down the stairs. Then he does the same to another one! Go, you crazy Japanese businessman! Then he hurls a man in a t-shirt and pants down the stairs. And two more men in pants with a stuffed red cuboid. Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee combined wouldn’t be doing this well, not least because one is 71 and the other is dead. Suddenly the businessman is alone at the top except for an old person (I’m not playing guess the sex again) lying on some pillows on the floor. He celebrates. He grabs the old person and tries to drag them down the stairs. Yes! This must be the point of the game! To help the infirm down the stairs. But no! Now there are loads of people at the top of the stairs. There are men in pants; there’s a man in trousers; there are more men in pants. And now they’re all sliding down the stairs with the businessman and the old person except for one man-in-his-pants ascending the stairs with a stuffed red cuboid. This. Is. Amazing. And just when I didn’t think it could get any better…

6. 3:41. Interrobang! An interrobang! IT’S AN INTERROBANG!

7. Wait! How Does It Work Then? The man-in-his-pants has reached the top with his red stuffed cuboid. He raises it above his head. He roars. Everyone applauds. He roars some more. He seems to like roaring. Then, with his red stuffed cuboid still held above his head, the apparently triumphant man-in-his-pants begins – cautiously – to descend the slippery stairs. Then – somewhat predictably – after a couple of wobbles he loses his footing and slides to the bottom, followed by his red stuffed cuboid. Then everyone laughs at him. Then the dustman makes some sort of pronouncement. Then everyone cheers and some men in pants wave. I don’t know what the hell just happened there, but it was amazing. Amazing. Seriously, any ideas?

October 18, 2011