Tag: House

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Sell Your House Online

Is it time to move on, move up and move out? Do you need to sell your property in a stress free and easy to manage process that will leave you with more moolah for home improvements? Then you need to sell your house online. Here’s why:

1. You Don’t Need To Leave The Sofa. Yes that’s right, you can sell your home without even leaving the sofa. That’s providing you have a laptop or a tablet and the internet at home. The beauty of using an internet estate agent is that they prefer to do business online, so from initial sign up to general communication you can use email, an online account on their website and even Skype for your calls.

2. You Don’t Have To Deal With Salesmen And Receptionists In Branch. If you live a quiet life you may well enjoy popping in to town on a rainy day to catch up with your estate agent on the progress of your house sale, waiting around in their shiny office and having to make small talk with the receptionist while the sales men gets off the phone. However, if like most of us you find salesmen trying on your patience, you will be please to know that online agents work differently by giving you a personal account manager at the end of the phone and on email.

3. You Can Save A Lot Of Money. By cutting out the high street sales man you will be saving hundreds, probably thousands of pounds in estate agent fees that would normally be wasted on fancy shop fronts, neon lighting and receptionists. Online agents tend to cap their fees or work on a fixed rate for all so there’s no need to worry when you achieve a good sale price that all of your profit will go on commission.

4. More Potential Buyers Will See Your Property For Sale. Internet estate agents have some special marketing boosters up their sleeves when it comes to selling your property. Because they are online, they are able to effectively capture massive lists of email address and to send out details of your property to those who may be interested as soon as it goes online. Add to that the ability to feature properties to have them sit at the top of the main pages of websites like RightMove, and you’ll be fighting off the viewing requests with a stick.

5. You’ll See Real Life Feedback. Having a customer account on the online estate agents website lets you see all sorts of reports and information that you may not get from a high street agent. You’ll be able to see statistics on how many people have clicked on your property details, how many people have asked for further information and whether there has been any useful feedback to take on board from previous viewings

6. You Can Work Out Of Hours. Because the online agents don’t have a branch, they don’t expect everyone to be able to work within their hours. No storming through rush hour traffic in your lunch break to steal a chat with these guys – you can email them at your leisure and log in to your account whenever you take fancy.

7. You Get All The Things You Would With A Non-Online Agent. Even though the cost of selling your house online is much cheaper, this doesn’t mean the service you will receive is not as good. You’ll have everything you need from a floor plan to a for sale sign and even someone to come and show people around and close the deal for you while you’re still sat on that sofa.

June 8, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Have A Professional Install Your Windows For You

What would we do without windows? They allow us to enjoy the beauty of a sunset without the annoying outdoor pests in the summer or watch a gentle snowfall without slipping and sliding on the sidewalk your husband forgot to shovel. Without windows a house would be a prison or a secret den of iniquity – which could be fun, but that’s another topic for another time. The point is, that when you need windows for either a new house or to replace your existing, worn out windows, you really should have a professional do the work. Here are seven reasons why a pro is a better choice for window installation.

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1. Sure, Your Friend Can Save You Money, But… We all have ’em – the friend who says he can do the job for a lot less money, as long as you throw in some beer and wings. Unfortunately, the job isn’t likely to get done anywhere near on time or to your satisfaction. Just wait until the first heavy storm with lots of wind and you will be full of regrets, especially if your windows aren’t where they’re supposed to be anymore. The only exception here is if you happen to have a friend who professionally installs windows. Otherwise, no mater how well-intentioned, it is best to politely turn down an offer from a friend to install your windows.

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2. Your Home Will Be More Attractive If You Sell It. There’s a reason why a professional is a professional. You are more likely to have a job done right the first time with a reputable pro. Now, let’s say you plan to sell your home soon. The only thing holding you back is that old couch on the back porch and those old windows. An expert is more likely to have the latest, most environmentally-friendly windows on the market. This makes your home more attractive for potential buyers. Anything a potential homeowner doesn’t have to add to their “to do” list is a selling point these days.

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3. Save A Little Green On Your Energy Bill. Getting back to the environmentally-friendly thing for a minute. If you are not looking to sell your home anytime soon, a professional window installation still has advantages. A window installing pro is more likely to be aware of local rules and regulations. This means your new windows will be properly installed and your old windows will be properly disposed of – another plus if you’re looking to avoid a fine from your local municipality. Then there is the reason you can really appreciate. Properly installed windows can save you some money on your monthly electric or gas bill. Let’s face it, we can all use a little more green these days.

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4. You Don’t Have All the Free Time In The World. You probably have a busy life, unless you are a Kardashian – in which case, you really wouldn’t be doing anything yourself. It’s ambitious to try to do the job yourself or get by with a little from your friends, but realistically this isn’t going to work. Let’s look at this more closely. You, your family and friends all have different schedules and it’s not very practical to spread a window replacement or installation project out over several weekends. A pro is paid to be there and get the job done, especially if they want paid.

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5. Resist The ‘Do-it-yourself’ Urge. The do-it-yourself approach is not a good really a good idea either, no matter how much HGTV you watch. Even if you just happen to be a professional window installer, paying jobs come first. Now back to the other 99 percent of us who aren’t professional window installers. You are not likely to have the time to get the job done all that quickly, unless you work through the night – bet your neighbors will just love that. If you tackle the job yourself, you are likely to run into extra expenses and unexpected delays. Give in and let a pro do the job. If you really must do something yourself, put up the curtains when the windows are done.

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6. Avoid The ‘Oh, Did I Need That Too?’ Syndrome. When doing something yourself, you are likely to forget something. It’s just one of those mysterious facts of life – like getting a phone call just when you step in the shower. The pros are likely to have everything needed to complete the job. For windows, this includes some form of weather stripping, paint, covering to protect your floor and furniture and possibly material for a new frame. The experts are likely to have the extras you tend to forget, not to mention the right tools for the job. Do you really want to be on a first-name basis with the guy at the hardware store?

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7. Your Insurance Company Likes Pros Better. Having a pro take care of your windows just might save you some dough when it comes time to renew your homeowners policy. Insurance companies, as a general rule, tend to frown on do-it-yourself jobs. A pro is more likely to use the correct materials and properly install your windows. This is likely to make your home more energy-efficient. In today’s green is good world, your insurance company is likely to be pleased. When it comes time to crunch the numbers for the value of your home, you just might be surprised to find that your home is worth a little bit more with windows that have been repaired or replaced by a pro. In a home market that’s worse than the last Adam Sandler movie, every little advantage helps.

Author Bio: George Dennis is president of King Shade and Window, a home improvement company that carries a range of custom, window roller shades.

March 12, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Replace Your Windows Today

Windows. Not unlike the software of the same name, you can’t live with ’em, and you can’t live without ’em. You need them if you don’t want to be overcome with a panicked bout of claustrophobia, but you hate them because they let everybody see what you’re doing in your house. Oh well, since you’ll be living with windows for the rest of your life, you might as well replace them with something better. Here are, that’s right, seven reasons why.

1. They Probably Look Ugly. Lets face it, how much do most people think about the way their windows look when they buy a home? You were probably more concerned about finding a way to get a mortgage then the craftsmanship of a pane of glass. It’s time to get serious. Take a look at your window right now. It’s probably just glass, PVC, and some caulk. Didn’t realize that did you? You better get on that right now.

2. You’ll Get in a Fight With Your Spouse. Your old windows are sucking all the heat out of your home during the winter, and are horrible at protecting you from the deadly menace of heat during the summer. It’s almost like they’re walking up to your thermostat and pulling cash directly out of it.

But is that going to stop you from buying the latest Cosmo or PS3 game? No way. The end result of this is that you’re going to get overdrawn on your account. Your spouse will see that you carelessly disregarded the importance of balancing the budget, and they will reprimand you for it. Being incapable of admitting any wrongdoing, you’ll start yelling at them and things will go downhill from there.

3. You Might as Well Shoot Earth in the Head With a Shotgun. Would you prance around the arctic with a baseball bat, casually clubbing baby seals? I didn’t think so. But that’s basically what you’re doing by not replacing your old windows.

Fact: You’re personally generating a million metric tonnes of acid rain every millisecond by keeping your old windows.
Fact: Someday the world will end because you didn’t replace your windows.
Fact: Not replacing your windows is worse than murder.

4. You Can Brag About Them. When you buy new windows, you can brag about them to all of your friends. You can brag about how much money you are saving on your energy bill. You can also brag about how much money it cost you to buy them, offering the best of both worlds. You can brag about how awesome they look. You can brag about your savviness. Don’t hold back. Make the most of it.

5. Windows Are Like the Windows into Your Home’s Soul. They say that eyes are the windows into your soul. Well what does that say about your home’s windows? Do you want your house to have an ugly soul? If so then you’re a pretty horrible person. Why would you wish something like that on your home? Your home keeps you warm, dry, and comfortable. It’s like a home to you. Why would you treat it like that?

6. It Will Be Easier to Show Off From Home. Let’s face it, your old windows are probably dirty. When you get new windows, they will be clear. This means that it will be easier for people to peer through your window and check up on you to see how you’re doing. This not only has its safety advantages, but it gives you a chance to parade around in your underwear for all the world to see just how much you’ve been working out lately.

7. You Will Make the World a Better Place. You’re just one person. You can’t change the world. Or can you? Well, all change takes place one step at a time. Your beautiful new windows will make the world a better place because at least one home on this planet looks less ugly. It might not seem like much but you are helping to build a better future.

Just think what would happen if everybody bought new windows. You wouldn’t have to cower in fear as you walked through the suburbs, shielding your eyes from the ugly windows that surround you. Be a part of the future. Get new windows.

Author Bio: George Dennis is president of King Shade and Window, a home improvement company with a range of roller shades for windows.

February 16, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Add A Second Bathroom To Your Home

Of all the fun things you probably want to add to your home (hot tub, bar, air hockey table) a second wash room is probably fairly low on the list. But they’re easy to add using cloakroom suites and could end up making your life better:

1. Free Up Your Main Bathroom. How many of us, especially in the morning when the adults are getting ready for work and the kids for school, wish we had more than one bathroom? You’re stood outside, waiting patiently to use the toilet or basin, and someone sprints in while you’re dancing around trying to hold in your wee. And you’re back to waiting another 20 minutes as they do their make up or take an overlong shower.

2. Add Value To Your House. While your neighbours spend their time and money creating feng shui gardens and hiring expensive interior designers in an effort to make their home more fashionable and try to sell it, the age-old technique of actually adding something practical will see your home become more attractive to potential buyers.

3. For Workmen. If you have someone working in your garden or doing some decorating, they’re probably going to be coated in a layer of grime and gunk and the last thing you want is them walking through your house and making it all dirty. If you have a washroom downstairs that they can use you will be able to keep your upstairs clean.

4. For Visitors. Similarly, if you have a guest around then it is much easier to direct them to a downstairs washroom should they need to use the loo and it means not wondering what they are up to when they wander round your private space upstairs. You probably don’t invite thieves into your home, but it will help you remove temptation from anyone.

5. To Make Cleaning Easier. If you’re cleaning downstairs, then having an additional sink to get water from and toilet to dispose of dirty water in would make life easier. Although jogging back and forth up the stairs will keep you fitter.

6. To Keep The Home Smelling Fresh. Having a toilet that someone can use rather than stinking out the room that has your shower in will make the home smell nicer and make bathing more pleasurable. Particularly if anyone in the house is keen on their spicy food.

7. To Prevent Mold. This is an odd one, but if you use the same bathroom a lot you will find that it tends to stay damper and you may end up with something resembling a furry mushroom patch growing in a corner. However, if you split the use across two (or more) bathrooms then they won’t be as damp and you won’t have mold growing in them. This works best if you have the space to consider a shower, or even one of the many shower bath suites available.

February 10, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Granny Will Always Prefer Offline Bingo

We all love our Grannies, it brightens up our day by just seeing them: well, most of the time they do. It is kind of a stereotypical view to say that only old people play bingo, but this is a misconception with online bingo; however, offline bingo is defiantly more popular amongst the older generation. Below are seven reasons why your Granny can be found chilling at her local bingo hall.

1. Technology. The latest technology/gadgets and the older generation simply do not mix. Usually if your grandma has a mobile phone it will look like the following:

As long as it makes and receives calls then that is all that is required. To play online bingo you will need not only an internet connect but a PC and knowing how to operate the PC and the online functionality of flash software. All of which is a pain unless you grew up with your eyeballs glued to a PC monitor.

2. Good Old Banter. Your Granny loves to talk…well, mine does. I can never shut her up, lol (bless her). What would be more fitting than a game that revolves around talking? Offline bingo is extremely social, so granny can chin wag to all her friends for a couple of hours. We tend to be at out lowest when we feel alone, a few hours of socialising is just what the doctor order to keep your grandma happy as Larry.

3. It Gets Her Out Of The House. As you get older you tend not to go out of the house as much, especially if your partner is no longer with you. Travelling to your local bingo club once a week is something you look forward to. Just logging on a computer in your home still makes you feel isolated.

4. It Makes Her Day. We all love to win, even if the price is nothing spectacular. Usually at bingo clubs the prizes are around the respectable £25 per house jackpot that are defiantly worth the 5p/25p a ticket. If she wins you grandchildren are the ones that usually benefit, so keep routing for her.

5. She Is Down With The Kids. Grannies are cool, end off. They love to do cool things and they love to be in with the trend. Millions of UK people and people from all around the world love to play offline and online bingo, the gambling sport is huge.

6. Not As It Once Was. As you get older your hearing and sight are not as good as they once were. This does not make it any better with a tiny monitor and speakers. At your local bingo club the bingo callers have voices that wish you had a remote control handy and the tickets are easy to see.

7. Using The Bus Pass. In the UK, when you get to a certain age you qualify for a free bus pass that entitles you to ride on bus for free (unsure if the US issue them). Visiting her local bingo hall gives her a reason to use her bus pass. Well, if it costs you nothing to get there…why not?

Next time you ask your Grandma: “Grandma, why do you play bingo all the time, you never win?” Think to yourself, it is not always about the winning.

December 28, 2011
7 Reasons To Buy A Buttock

Hello! That probably isn’t a title you were expecting to see today, and it wasn’t one I was expecting to write either, but life has just thrown something so amazing and unexpected at me that I feel compelled to share it with you. The BBC has reported that there’s a buttock for sale. That’s right. A buttock! Here are seven reasons to buy it.

1. It’s Not Just Any Buttock. It’s Saddam Hussein’s! You can own a part of a tyrant’s tush; a dictator’s derriere; a bully’s bum; an autocrat’s anus; a totalitarian’s tail. It’s half of Saddam Hussein’s bottom!

2. It’s Got An Amazing History. I’m certain that there are very few people in the world that haven’t seen the footage of Saddam Hussein’s statue being toppled in Firdos Square by US Marines. Well, it’s a part of that statue! A part of the arse of that statue! Half, in fact. It was collected by former SAS soldier, Nigel Ely, who was working with a TV crew at the time. According to the BBC:

Finding the bronze statue face-down, the ex-serviceman enlisted the help of a marine armed with a crowbar and a sledgehammer to cut out half of the despot’s backside.

Genius! With the entire back of this historic statue to choose from Mr Ely selected half of the bum as a souvenir. And he got an American to help him. “What!? You want me to help you remove half the statue’s ass? Sure, why not?” As if being asked to remove a tyrant’s butt-cheek was an everyday occurence in the marines. Perhaps it is.

3. It’s In Derby. Ever been to Derby? Yes? Well now there’s something to do there! And it’s buying a backside at an auction. Saddam Hussein? You can go to Derby and bid on his ass.

4. It’s For Charity. Proceeds from the sale of 50% of Saddam Hussein’s posterior will go towards helping injured ex-service-personnel from the UK and the US, so whoever purchases it will actually be doing something worthy. I can confidently state that money for a great cause will be the best thing that’s ever come out of Saddam Hussein’s bottom.

5. It’s Made Of Bronze! Bronze! So the winning bidder won’t be invited to sell it during every commercial break and at every other new shop on the high street. It’ll also be highly resistant to saltwater corrosion. If they so desire, the lucky purchaser can melt it down and make something else from it. A bust, perhaps, or a porthole.

6. It’s Unique (Almost). It’s not guaranteed to be absolutely unique as, unless there’s something surprising about Saddam Hussein’s anatomy that I’m not privy to, there’s potentially another buttock out there. But that could prove lucrative as they’d be worth far more as a pair. I have no idea how you’d find the other one, but tracking it down could be a great hobby for someone. I don’t reccomend using a search engine though, as I imagine that googling “Saddam Hussein’s arse” will probably bring you to this website in the future. As if we didn’t get enough weirdos. We’ve had “where is dangling place” and “how to read on the toilet” in the last half hour. And I’m loathe to mention the “horse sex tube”. Bugger.

7. It’ll Be In Your House! Or perhaps your garden. Wherever you choose to keep it though, it’ll be the greatest talking point of all time. “May I use your bathroom?” “Sure, it’s the door over there, just next to Saddam Hussein’s buttock.” “Where did you plant the begonia?” “By Saddam Hussein’s arse.” Seriously, who wouldn’t want this in their home?

October 12, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Insulate Your Home

Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by John Morris – a freelance writer and journalist. He is a DIY enthusiastic and often writes on wide range of home & garden related topics.

Ice House by bill791

Insulating your home has so many ‘no-brainer’ advantages; there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. From cutting your energy bills to saving the planet, here are seven solid reasons you should get to work insulating your home.

1. Keep Cosy. Let’s kick off with the most obvious: insulating your home keeps you warm. It might sound straightforward, but if you live in a temperate or cold climate, there’s nothing sure to make you feel more miserable in winter than when you feel as cold inside, as it looks outside. It’s not all about spending money either. A bit of basic draught proofing can cost nothing, yet make a huge difference, making your house feel much cosier. And there are literally hundreds of easy, low effort ways to insulate and draught proof your home, from placing homemade draught eliminators in front of doors to a bit of DIY loft insulation using bubble-wrap, cardboard boxes and a staplegun. Many of the easiest ways to get the heat in and the cold out cost nothing!

2. Money! Money! Money! There are few greater motivators than hard cash. With the way energy prices are going at the moment, by insulating your home, you will end up paying a lot less to your energy supplier. Current estimates suggest, depending on how ‘extreme’ your insulating strategy is, you can easily save 20% on your annual energy bills and perhaps as much as a third if you’re willing to spend a little extra at the outset. Gas, electricity and oil prices are only going one way – up – so it’s worth bearing in mind that every time your provider increases their prices, you end up saving even more. It’s also worth considering stashing the money you save into a high interest savings account to fund further energy saving technology, such as solar panels, that can massively reduce your bills in the future.

3. Do Your Bit For The Environment. Up to a half of all the energy used in the average home are for heat and hot water. Which is why cutting down on the amount of energy you use is good for your carbon footprint. Even if you use a ‘green’ energy provider, you’re still responsible for releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. Climate change affects everyone on the planet, and if you have children, you’ll certainly be interested in protecting planet Earth for future generations. Take the first step on your road to a greener future by insulating your home.

4. Stay Cool. What many people don’t realise is that by insulating your home to keep warmth in during the winter, you also stay cool in summer. That’s because, if you use air conditioning during the summer months, insulating your home keeps heat out. So if you’re lucky enough to live in a region that’s prone to hot weather during the summer months, you can reduce the amount of energy you use then too. It’s a win-win situation – insulating your home can save you money all year round.

5. Looking After Your Investment. Your home is probably the most expensive thing you’ll ever buy. It’s also your biggest investment for the future. By making sure it’s properly insulated, you can dramatically increase the value of your property. As every estate agent knows, professionally insulated properties sell much faster and for more cash than those that aren’t. After all, what would you prefer to buy – a house that’s cold and expensive to heat or a similar property that’s cosy and cheap to run? Exactly!

6. Noise Elimination. Everyone knows that insulating your home keeps the cold out, but it also keeps another unwanted element out – noise! Wall and loft insulation, as well as double-glazing, is just as effective at keeping noise out all year round as it is at keeping the heat in your home during the winter. What’s more, if you’re an aspiring drummer, it keeps the noise in, so it could keep your neighbours happy too.

7. Feel Better. If you suffer from allergies, using natural methods to regulate the temperature in your home, such as insulating to keep heat in and opening windows to let it out can prevent the growth of certain allergens, such as microbes and spores. So by insulating your home properly, you’ll be better off in terms of health and wellbeing too.

October 1, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Have A Bat In Your Dining Room

This may come as something of a surprise to regular readers of 7 Reasons, but we’re not experts on everything that we write about. Often, our pieces contain much speculation and conjecture. Today’s piece, however, is different. Today’s piece is written from experience. If you should find yourself in a dining room with a bat, this is exactly how it will go down.

1. Surprise! As you sit in your dining room on a quiet Saturday night catching up on missed television programmes using the iPlayer, you’ll feel relaxed and at ease. You’ll take a sip of your drink and languidly stretch out your legs. You’ll stifle a yawn and stretch out your arms. Eventually, you’ll lean back in your seat and glance up toward the ceiling light, to ascertain what is casting the strange shadow that you have seen from the corner of your eye for the past few seconds. Then you’ll scream involuntarily and bolt from the room and slam the door shut behind you. A large bat flying around your dining room will come as something of a surprise to you.

2. Disbelief. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” Your wife will enquire in a startled manner, somewhat surprised by your shrieking.

“There’s a bat in the dining room.”

“What?”

“There’s a bat in the dining room.”

“What?”

“Bat!” (You’ll flap your arms about miming flight at this point). “Dining room!” (You’ll also point at the dining room.)

“What’s it doing in there?”

“Flying around the ceiling lamp and watching a documentary about Stalin.”

Rather disbelievingly, your wife will go to the dining room, open the door slightly and peer through the gap. On closing it very quickly, she will then announce that “there’s a bat in the dining room”.

3. Spin. Anxious that you should always see the positive side of any situation, you’ll start brainstorming. A bat in the dining room could be a good thing, you’ll think. A bat in the dining room would mean that there would never be any insects in there. A bat in the dining room would ensure that you could write in there with absolutely no chance of interruption: You could look at the internet with no chance of interruption! A bat in the dining room would…be a bloody great bat in the dining room. It turns out that the elephant in the room is that there’s a bat in the room. There’s no upside so good that it can surmount the fact that your dining room contains a bat.

4. Whimsy. Having established that having a bat in the dining room is a bad thing, you’ll turn your mind to what the hell to do with it. “We could call the RSPCA”, your wife will suggest.

“We’re not being cruel to it. We’re being inconvenienced by it.”

“Perhaps there’s a local bat group.”

“Yes, maybe they could send some sort of bat man.”

“A dog warden?”

“Or, we could call Commissioner Gordon and he could raise the bat-signal. Perhaps we could…”

5. Motivation. “…Oh my god!”

“What?!”

“My gin and tonic’s in there!”

6. De-batting. “Darling”, you’ll say, “We’re just going to have to man-up and deal with the bat ourselves…In you go.” This motivational speech will fail to make her deal with the bat on your behalf, so you’ll have to work as a team. You will close every door in the house (so the bat can’t start terrorising you in other rooms) and your wife will peer back into the dining room. She will find that the bat is still flying around in there, fluttering in haphazard circles around the ceiling light like a terrifying and gigantic moth. A behemoth*. You’ll formulate a plan. You will run in, raise the blind, open the window and run out again: Your wife will be in charge of opening and closing the door. You’ll take a deep breath and steel yourself for the task. Eventually, though too soon for you, your wife will open the door and you will burst into the room and stride toward the blind. Startled by the sudden presence in the room, the bat will realise that flying around is not a safe thing to do and he will decide to land. At the very instant that you arrive at the blind, the bat will land on it, inches from your face. “Aaaarrrgghhh”, you’ll scream as you run out of the room. Your wife will close the door.

You’ll realise that another plan is called for. If you raise the blind with the bat on it, you’ll just squash the bat. You’ll have a flat bat. And bats, if you flatten them, appear bigger. So, if you can’t raise the blind and open the window, you’ll have to trap the bat and remove it. Having rummaged in the kitchen cupboard for a suitable container for a considerable time, your wife will emerge with her Tupperware bat-trap. This time, she will be in charge of trapping the bat, and you will be in charge of the door (yay!) and the lid (boo!). You’ll open the door and your wife will stride in and head toward the blind with the container held out in front of her. Arriving at the blind she’ll cover the bat with the container. Now that the bat is safely contained, you’ll enter the room clutching the lid. You’ll slide the lid slowly and carefully between the blind and the Tupperware box and affix it. Phew.

7. Post-bat. As you breathe your sigh of relief the bat will let out a heart-rending squeak. Your wife will head into the back garden to release the bat and you’ll be in charge of the back door (yay again!). The moment that the lid is removed, the bat will flutter out and your wife will scream and run toward the door, which will cause you to laugh. Briefly. Eventually, having congratulated your wife on her brave conduct in the face of a big, scary bat and having closed every window in the house (twice), you’ll return to the comfort and security of Josef Stalin and your gin and tonic. Then you’ll discover that the bat has left you a “present” on your white Verner Panton stackable chair.

So there you go. That’s roughly what will happen if you have a bat in your dining room. I don’t recommend it.

*You’ll be inordinately proud of that wordplay.

July 26, 2011
7 Reasons That the new Starbucks Logo is Wrong

Starbucks are changing their logo. They’re removing the roundel containing the words “Starbucks” and “Coffee” from the new one and are, instead, focussing on the mermaid part. This is in the hope that the mermaid, like the golden arches of McDonalds or the shell of Shell will come to be the easily identifiable international signifier of Starbucks, but the new focus on the mermaid is confusing and frustrating. Here are seven reasons why.

The new Starbucks logo.

1. It’s Baffling. A mermaid is a fish-woman from the sea. Coffee is a beverage made by combining beans from the land and water from the sky, occasionally using bovine mammary excretions from the fields, and sugar from the Oompa-Loompas. The intrinsic nature of the coffee experience has nothing whatsoever to do with the sea, so the mermaid is unrepresentative. If I saw a mermaid my first thought wouldn’t be coffee. In fact, the thought coffee wouldn’t come in my top million thoughts on seeing a mermaid. It wouldn’t even come above fish fingers, bubble bath or owls.

2. It’s Misdirected. So who is the target market for mermaids? I have identified two. The first is my writing partner Jon, whose bizarre fixation with The Little Mermaid had been explored more than enough on this website already, and the second market is sailors. Drunken, sex-starved sailors. After all, it was they that would tell tales of strange and beautiful fish-women to while away their long sea voyages. There are two things I know about Starbucks. The first is that you won’t find Jon in them, and the second is that if you want to see a mob of inebriated and libidinous seamen, you’re unlikely to find them in an establishment whose principal attraction is free wi-fi, blueberry muffins and skinny mocha-choca-lattes.

3. Nudity. Mermaids don’t wear clothes, but (I’m presuming this, I live in far too cold a place to want to test this assumption) that if I attempted to drink coffee at Starbucks without any clothes on there would be two reactions. Firstly, awe. Secondly, I would be asked to leave. And the successive changes to the logo have demonstrated that Starbucks are also inconvenienced by this too, as the two most recent logos don’t have nipples. This is because there are parts of the world where an image of a nude fish-woman with nipples would cause offence, whereas removing the nipples of nude-fish women is a perfectly acceptable activity and probably fun for all the family.

4. Scales. A mermaid is a creature with delicate scales, but muffin-gobbling Starbucks customers (who are predominantly American) do not require delicate scales. They require substantial ones that go up to a big number.

5. Music. Starbucks has also branched into music publishing in recent years and the new logo is supposed to reflect that. But they’ve published Paul McCartney and Alanis Morrissette, and these artists (okay, one of them used to have a yellow submarine) have absolutely cock-all to do with mermaids. The sort of music you should be able to expect from an establishment with a mermaid as a logo is sea-shanties, a huge number of which are about mermaids. But I’ve never heard sea-shanties in Starbucks. All I ever hear is Carly Simon, who doesn’t even have an accordion.

6. Mermaids Can’t Drink Coffee. Mermaids live under the sea. The sea is made of liquid. Coffee is also made of liquid. This means that the one group of people that can’t enjoy Starbucks main product are mermaids. Because if you take even the largest cup size (venti) under the sea, it becomes a drop in the ocean. This would be a disappointing experience for any mermaid. And even if they could drink the coffee, they don’t seem to have anywhere to wee from. They would become bloated and crotchety.

7. Spoilsports. By focussing on the mythical fish-woman and removing the words “Starbucks Coffee” from their new logo, Starbucks have ruined all the fun that you can have with a green marker pen. And I suspect that this may have been the motive for change all along.

January 7, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: Celebrity Exclusive
At 7 Reasons we’ve never brought you exclusive celebrity news before, but now we have some. A letter has been erroneously delivered to one of us (the York based one) with exciting details about the private life of an icon of both the large and the small screen.

We don’t know why Bairstow Eves sent this letter to us, as it’s addressed to homeowners in Clifton, York, where neither of the 7 Reasons team live, but we’re jolly glad they did. Here it is:

Dear Home Owner,

BUYERS WAITING

CLIFTON

We urgently require more properties to sell in Clifton for the following clients who are registered with our office.
- Mr T is a first time buyer looking for a property with a minimum of two bedrooms. He will consider any style of house.
- Mr & Mrs H have their property on the market and are looking to purchase a two bedroom house in Clifton.
- Mrs H is looking for a semi or detached property with a minimum of four bedrooms.
I would stress that this is a genuine and urgent enquiry; we only take this time and effort for serious potential purchasers. Please contact our Sales Team on 01904 622 355 to arrange your free, no obligation Market Appraisal.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times.

Yours Faithfully,

*********************

Office Manager – Bairstow Eves York.

That’s right, 7 Reasons readers! This man. Mr T is looking to buy a house in York!

I pity the fool that sells me a home in the wrong area!

Now we don’t know why the star of the A-Team and Rocky III is looking to buy a property here. It seems unlikely that it’s going to be a second home for holidaying as the letter also reveals that (surprisingly) Mr T is a first time buyer. And it tells us that he will consider any style of house; though presumably he’ll want one with a garage full of odds and ends that he can spontaneously fashion into an armoured car or use to construct an impromptu gun turret.

The letter goes on to tell us that Mr and Mrs H (we don’t know who these people are, they’re not important celebrities like Mr T) are looking to purchase a two bedroom house in Clifton. But wait! Mrs H is also looking to buy a semi or detached property with a minimum of four bedrooms. We don’t know why. Perhaps she’s a brazen strumpet who’s looking for somewhere to house her army of lovers? We just don’t know. We do feel that Mr H should be worried, but mostly we’re excited about Mr T.*

Thank you, Bairstow Eves, for bringing this important celebrity news to our attention. 7 Reasons (.org) will return tomorrow with reasons (unless there is any more Mr T news).

*I have an A-Team duvet cover that needs signing.
November 14, 2010