Tag: Hot

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Bathroom Needs Renovating

Like most men, we take the 7 Reasons bathroom for granted. We don’t spend very long in there (certainly not together) and very rarely do we have a conversation about it. Today, though, that might have to change. Because today Stephanie Staszko is on the 7 Reasons sofa and Stephanie has just had a look at our bathroom. To be entirely honest, she wasn’t that impressed. According to her, it’s time for a change. And if your bathroom looks anything like the below, it’s probably time you got the builders and plumbers in too. Right, after the photo, it’ll be Stephanie.

This may (or may not) be the 7 Reasons bathroom

Everyday your bathroom burdens your life that little bit more, maybe it’s the pink bathtub fresh out of the 1970s that makes your blood boil? Or perhaps it’s the sink that refuses to accept water to flow down the plughole and so regurgitates it with tufts of hair? If you really want a bathroom makeover – but can’t find a good enough reason to splash the cash – here are a few 7 reasons to justify the expense…

1. The Toilet Seat of Doom. Everyone’s had that moment, when you’re desperate for the toilet and when you finally get there, you place your behind on the seat in satisfaction and release an “aaahhh”. But in some unfortunate circumstances this is closely followed by a sideways jolt, a skip of the heartbeat and the realisation that you could slowly be disappearing down the pan. If this sounds like your daily bathroom experience it’s time for a new toilet seat!

2. Mirror, Mirror On The Wall… Mirrors gather dirt and grime over time, making their visibility slowly deteriorate. If you find that you’re starting to look somewhat more attractive on a Monday morning it’s time for either an eye test or to replace that deceiving bathroom mirror. After all, you’re only kidding yourself!

3. Tap Dancing. Over excitable bathroom taps revel in your embarrassment. No matter how carefully you approach turning that handle to release a steady flow, the tap unleashes an almighty gush of water, destined only for one area: your crotch. As you leave the house displaying what resembles a bladder problem, it’s time you realised new taps could actually improve your social life.

4. Shower Power. After a hard day’s work you feel grimy and groggy, so what could possibly be more refreshing than a shower? That would be a hard question to answer if your shower head didn’t have a personal vendetta against your eyeball. As you turn on the spray and expect a warming sensation, you’re greeted unexpectedly with a powerful gush that ruins your retina. The perfect reason for a new bathroom – you don’t want to wind up blind.

5. Posterior Pincher. It seems toilet seats have a lot in common with sea creatures – particularly crabs. These toilet seats are particularly nasty as they trap the skin on your buttocks as you sit, sending you shooting into the air with the sharp pain of the pinch. One of these times it WILL result in a nasty accident.

6. Banana Skin Bathtub. Much like the slapstick comedies, the bottom of your bathtub can mimic the effect of stepping on a banana skin. Even if you’ve yet to be seriously injured by a slip, the fact that your stomach pretty much ends up in your mouth from every near death experience says that your bathroom suite’s a health hazard.

7. The Toe-Breaker. If you’ve tried your hand at DIY by hanging your own towel rail you may realise your toes could be in jeopardy. As you lift your towel with the utmost care so as not to dislodge the rail a sense of fear creeps over you as the rail ever-so slightly drops. If you’re considering wearing steel toe-capped boots for each bathroom venture then your towel rail needs replacing.

After reading this you’re probably too scared to ever step foot in your bathroom again. But fear not, bathroom suites which are correctly installed can actually be rather enjoyable to use. Get that toilet repaired and take your newspaper for some quiet, thinking time.

November 11, 2011
7 Reasons Being Sunburnt Has Its Advantages

This is Simon Cowell. He wears his trousers too high and he’s sunburnt. Only the former of these is unacceptable, embarrassing and disadvantageous. The latter is simply a move of immense genius.

1. Opportunity. When you’re sunburnt you give off a lot of heat. Which is perfect if you’re a male escort. Most women like snuggling and/or a hot water bottle. You can combine your snuggling services with the warming effect of your skin and never be out of work again. Or at least until you start peeling.

2. Fancy Dress. Accompany your look with an amber t-shirt and a pair of green trousers and you will make a very fine set of traffic lights. You will also cause a lot of confusion on your walk home and no doubt a fair few accidents as a result. How is this good? Well, the council will love you because it means they can put tax up in order to fix the roads and the Police will love you as it means they can nick someone for dangerous driving and meet their quote for the month.

3. The Orange Effect. Have you ever laid in bed wondering whether you could pull an entire layer of skin off your body in one go? Very much as you would try and peel an orange? Being sunburnt offers you the best chance you will ever have. And even if you do fail, at least it’s good fun. Stick your dead skin under the microscope before you dispose of it too. It’s fascinating. And also rather chewy.

4. Seen, But Not Heard. There’s a reason Simon Cowell is sunburnt and it doesn’t simply come down to the fact that he forgot his Nivea lotion. It’s because he’s an egotistical maniac who loves to be noticed. And nothing gets you noticed more than when you’ve got a face that looks like you’ve spent a day in the company of a Red Indian. Also note the use of a white t-shirt to show just how red he is. It’s the perfect way to be seen on a night out. Try it.

5. Oops. No one likes being embarrassed, but if you have to be, the time to do it is when you are suffering with sunburn. No one will be able to see how uncomfortable you are. You can shrug it off and pretend you haven’t got a care in the world. You’ll be admired from head to toe.

6. Money. It’s sunny and it’s hot. You have £3 with you. What do you do? Do you (a) buy suncream or (b) buy an ice-cream? Think about it. Suncream won’t keep you cool, but ice-cream will. And for £3 you’ll probably get a flake too.

7. Invisible Clothes. Say you spend a day in the sun in nothing but a vest and a pair of shorts. Come 9am the next day you should be able to stand in front of the mirror, completely naked and yet still see yourself wearing a vest and pair of shorts. Like this guy here. That’s so cool. I mean ‘cool’ as in ‘wicked’. Not ‘cool’ as in ‘cool’. Because obviously it’s not ‘cool’. It’s really hot. And I don’t mean ‘hot’ as in ‘sexy’. Because obviously he’s not. To me anyway. At least, I think it’s a man. I don’t know. I can’t look at it anymore. It’s making me shiver.

September 27, 2011
7 Reasons That the Hot Toddy is THE Winter Drink

The hot toddy is the winter drink. Here are seven reasons why.

1. They’re Warming. Hot toddies are hot. The winter is cold. Therefore, when you arrive home after any time outdoors, you are probably cold. Given that the temperature differential between the toddy and your body* is going to be quite substantial, the taking of the toddy will be beneficial to your body temperature and innate sense of wellbeing.

2. They’re Medicinal. Given that it’s winter, you’re probably suffering from some sort of cold/flu/sniffle/sinus-block-green-stuff-induced-torpor. The hot toddy contains cloves, which help you breathe more easily (if you embed them in the lemon properly). If you don’t, you may accidentally get one caught in your throat and choke to death. Still, fear of imminent death makes drinking a hot toddy far more interesting than drinking a cup of tea.

3. They’re Convenient. Don’t have the necessary ingredients for a hot toddy to hand? Well, firstly, sack your housekeeper. Secondly, relax. The hot toddy recipe isn’t some hideously rigid formula that must be adhered to, it’s more a rough guide to creating your own drink: Hot toddy making is an art rather than a science. If you don’t have any whisky handy, you can use pretty much any other dark or oak-aged spirit; whiskey, brandy, grappa, rum are all acceptable (individually, don’t go mad) and bring a different flavour to proceedings. You can also – should you find that you’re out of honey – substitute dark sugar, syrup or treacle. My favourite alternative is maple syrup, which is from Canada, where they have weird canoes and they milk trees.

4. They’re Healthy. Most hot toddy recipes suggest that you use a slice of lemon. They are wrong. If you use a quarter of a lemon and squeeze it before putting it in the mug (squeezing the juice into the mug, obviously, don’t just dribble it over the worktop or onto a passing cat) the toddy is much better. Firstly it uses up a greater quantity of lemon – which is always desirable – and secondly, it puts more lemon juice into the drinker. Not only does this give you vitamin C, it probably counts as one of your recommended five portions of fruit and vegetables per day so, disregarding clove-choking incidents, you’ll be healthier too and may live for ever.***

5. They’re Even Healthier. One of the things you need to do to fight those wintry ailments is to make sure your blood sugar levels are high. This will give you the energy you need to carry on regardless/lie down and complain that you are dying (delete as appropriate, based on sex). This is why they give ill people Lucozade, and this is why you should drink a hot toddy, either preventative or medicinal. That and they don’t taste of Lucozade.

6. They’re Even More Convenient. You might be thinking that the last thing you want to be doing is messing about with spirits, cloves and lemons every time you want a hot drink, but the good news is that you don’t have to. Because you can pre-make your hot toddies. Just put all the ingredients, minus the hot water, into a mug and put it in the fridge (in our kitchen, we have a walk-in refrigerator that we call “the kitchen”). You can put as many as you want in there. You might also consider adding a note that says “in case of emergency, add boiling water, stir, bring upstairs to me” or some such. Your partner/housemates/parents/children/pets/imaginary friend will doubtless appreciate that.

7. They Taste Good. I seem to have forgotten to mention that they taste bloody marvellous. Plus, the flavour is so strong, that even with a cold, it is still apparent. And they smell so nice that other people will follow you around the house as you drink one and attempt to steal it, despite having declined your kind offer of one only ten minutes previously. That always happens.

*Don’t panic, I know it rhymes. I shan’t attempt to turn that line into the start of a song.**

**Well, I’ll try to resist it.

***If you fail to live for ever after switching to the hot toddy as your winter drink of choice, feel free to email your complaint to us.

As a special bonus, here’s the recipe:

Some whisky: Maybe a little bit more. A tiny bit more. Oh, fuck it, another splash won’t hurt me.

Two teaspoons of honey.

A quarter of a lemon (squeezed, if you are at all health-conscious)

Some cloves (4-8). Embed them in the lemon or you will die.

Hot water.

Combine all the ingredients in a mug, then fill with hot water and stir. Remove teaspoon. Drink.

(You can also add a cinnamon stick if you like cinnamon or sticks).

January 20, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: A Recipe

Hi, Marc here. It’s Sunday and half of the 7 Reasons team is unwell. Sadly, its the half that’s writing today’s post; so I’m sorry if you’ve been clicking refresh on the homepage for the last few hours waiting expectantly for this to appear. Anyway, here it is.

A glass of mulled wine contains several of your five a day. Probably.

We’ve brought you recipes before of course. I’ve given you a recipe for SPAM on a plank, and Jon’s shown you how to remove something from the freezer. Badly. But it occurred to me that we’ve never given you a recipe for something you might conceivably like to consume. And it’s the time of year for it, so here’s my epic recipe for mulled wine that I’ve been inflicting on house-guests every winter since…well…before we had a house. Or guests. Anyway, here are the ingredients that you will need:

2 Bottles of red wine: It doesn’t matter how many people that you are going to give mulled wine too, the correct quantity is always two bottles. Don’t just use the cheapest wine that you can find as, if you do, your mulled-wine will be mulled-cheap-wine, and no one will like it. You don’t need to spend very much though, an inexpensive Aussie Shiraz-Cabernet will have enough strong fruit notes and body to support the ingredients, or a cheap Tempranillo. Just don’t use anything too light of body like a Pinot Noir or a Beaujolais, as it will be overpowered by the other ingredients.

2 Lemons (quartered).

2 Oranges (quartered).

4 Cloves.

5 Tablespoons of honey.

1 Cinnamon stick.

2 Teaspoons of ground ginger.

Put all of the ingredients into a pan. Put the pan on the hob. Turn the hob on (to a low heat). Stir constantly until the mulled-wine is near boiling point but importantly DO NOT LET THE MULLED-WINE BOIL! When it boils the alcohol escapes, and you need that in order to suffer your house-guests, (or they will need it to suffer you, in my case). While it is warming, taste frequently and add any random thing you can think of to improve the flavour. Last New Year’s Eve, I added a quartered and squeezed satsuma, half a cup of brandy, half a cup of triple sec, a big splash of orange juice and a tsunami of dark rum*. All of these things work very well in it. When everything’s in and it’s near boiling point turn the hob off and ladle your mulled-wine into cups, mugs or glasses (glasses without handles will be too hot to hold so only give those to guests you dislike). You may then drink the mulled-wine. And as you’re the person that made the delicious, warming, tasty beverage that they enjoyed so, everyone will briefly love you and will happily tolerate you for the remainder of the evening.

Right, I’m off to mull my way back to health. 7 Reasons will be back tomorrow with seven reasons…for something.

*Several hours after drinking this mulled-wine when we were cracking open the Champagne, we all realised that we were really quite drunk, and were surprised because we’d only consumed a bit of mulled-wine and three or four beers over the course of the evening. I think I’ve just solved the mystery.

December 19, 2010
7 Reasons August Is Too Early For The Football Season To Start

If you think that’s a slightly odd title – hopefully only for timing reasons – then we certainly understand why. This post was one of three that were originally going to appear in Esquire magazine. Due to space and content issues though, it wasn’t meant to be. We’re delighted to say however, that we can now show you what you would have read on the newsstands. If it makes you feel better, please buy a copy of Esquire, print this page and stick it in. If that wouldn’t make you feel better, just read as you normally would. The two other Esquire pieces will appear over the next two days. Exciting, huh? So here are, 7 Reasons August Is Too Early For The Football Season To Start.

1. Food & Merchandise. In August, the sales of these will just about be non-existent. No one wants a hot-dog or a pie in thirty degree heat. Neither does anyone want to buy a scarf. With clubs fighting for their financial lives at the moment, you’d have thought they’d want to cram December full of fixtures. It’s simple economics.

2. Sir Alex Ferguson. He’s red enough at the best of times. Making him watch football in August is just cruel. Both to him and to viewers of Match Of The Day.

3. Transfer Rumours. With the season starting in August, July will be full of unsubstantiated rumour. Such and such a player was just spotted at the services on the M1. This must mean he’s going off to sign for Manchester United. Yes, or more likely, he’s off visiting his best friend’s wife and needed petrol. And condoms.

4. Too Hot. August is predominantly a hot, sunny month in the UK. Hot, sunny weather affects the way football is played. Either we’ll develop a slower-paced continental game to cope with the conditions or we’ll carry on playing the traditional full-tilt English game and risk killing ginger people. Surely we could just wait for September? That would be the humane thing to do.

5. Rain. As a consequence of being hot and sunny, August is also one of the driest months of the year. At least during the week, when we are at work. At the weekend though, when we have things to do, the rain comes and plans are ruined. Cricket, barbecues, days at the beach. Whatever it is, they are ruined. And quite rightly too. That is what summer is all about. What can’t rain ruin? Football. Logic dictates, therefore, that it’s out of place in August.

6. Weddings. The school holidays run through August, as does the wedding season. And weddings are planned by women who do not care – or possibly even know – that you have something better to do at 3pm on Saturday afternoons in August; something that doesn’t involve dancing around the vol-au-vents. Basically, football ruins what should be the best day of people’s lives because the groom is sulking.

7. The World Cup. It’s just finished. The World Cup Final was on July 11th. And, England won and I still need time to let it sink in/England lost on penalties and I haven’t finished being depressed yet/England went out in the group stage and the sight of a football just makes me angry. (Delete as appropriate). It’s just too soon! I need more time!

September 7, 2010
7 Reasons To Plan Your Picnic Carefully

1. Where Are You Going? If you are off to a day of Polo, you probably don’t want to be taking along some of Lidl’s less-than-finest Scotch Eggs. People will look down on you. Even if they are sitting down themselves. And at the other end of the scale, you probably don’t want to be taking along your Selfridges’ Hamper if you’ve managed to get a ticket for Millwall Football Club’s ‘Grand Day Out In Leeds’.

2. Do You Have Any Suncream? No? Good. No one is going to mistake it for the mayonnaise then.

3. How Much Food Do You Have? This isn’t so much about the number of bags you are taking with you, more the size of the blanket. You don’t want so much food that the only way you can sit down is by playing twister around the sausage rolls. Nor do you want so little food that you wish you’d just brought a flannel instead.

4. Do You, Or Anyone You Know, Suffer From Picnic Envy? It’s always a difficult one this, you are happily munching on a pork pie when you suddenly get a whiff of something quite extraordinary. Either than or you spin round and see someone with a better set of cutlery. It’s enough to ruin the atmosphere. And make you play Frisbee a bit closer to those with the Chicken Cordon Bleu than is strictly necessary.

5. Have You Checked The Weather Forecast? Even if it says it is going to be sunny and thirty degrees, you can be certain that it will rain. A practical solution, therefore, is to take all-weather food and drink. Melon for instance. And water. Sandwiches are a definite no-no and despite what people say, even the sturdiest of celery sticks can go limp in a thunderstorm.

6. Are You Fully Equipped? By this I mean, do you have the bottle opener/corkscrew? The one thing park rangers frown upon is picnickers trying to open a bottle of Cava using irregular practices. Like using the numberplate of their jeep.

7. Are You Going Into A Forest? Bears like food. They like people too.

July 12, 2010
7 Reasons To Climb A Mountain

1. Measure It. Nothing excites me more than when the end of year mountain height measurements are released. Is Everest still 8848 metres tall? Is Ben Nevis still the biggest in Britain? So many questions answered in one PDF. Obviously these figures aren’t just made up. Someone has to use a tape measure and a long stick.

2. Picnics. Nothing beats a picnic with a spectacular view. Of clouds. I know you can get this type of view atop a grassy hillock, but it is far more exciting trying to eat while simultaneously struggling to breathe.

3. Photo Opportunity. Let’s be honest, a facebook profile picture of you standing atop a mountain looks so much more impressive than a self portrait you have done of yourself at home. You know the one I mean. The one that took 30 attempts to get right and then ten minutes of cropping so your outstretched arm isn’t showing.

4. Getting Home To Babe. Because there ain’t no mountain. No mountain high enough. No valley low enough. To stop you from getting to baby. So you may as well go and climb one. Babe will be so much more impressed when you tell them that you took a shortcut across the top of Scaffold Pike* to get to the restaurant.

5. Eye Of The Tiger. Eye Of The Tiger, Rock. Climbing a mountain is one thing. Running up it is even better. Especially if you are making a movie about a boxer. Or indeed if you are just plain daft.

6. You’re Hot. No, not in the Sandra Bullock way. If you are hot in the Sandra Bullock way you can ignore all mountains and just come straight round to mine. You won’t even have to wipe your feet. I mean hot as in temperature hot. In other words you need to cool down. Common sense tells you that it’s much colder up a mountain.

7. No Pain, No Gain. There are a couple of ways to get blister repellent feet. One is to chop them off. The other is to build up calluses. You can do this by walking. Barefoot. Up mountains. Yes, it’ll hurt the first few hundred times you do it, but eventually your feet will have Zola Budd written all over them.

*Yes, I know it’s Scafell Pike. Scaffold Pike is a clever play on words. What with scaffolding being something you climb. Clever, yes.

February 5, 2010