Tag: FRENCH

7 Reasons This Poster Frustrates Me So

1. It’s Quicker By Rail. I’m sure it was, 75 years ago. Sadly, given the fact that my last foray on a train took a good deal longer than it took Neil Armstrong to get to the moon, I would suggest times have changed. And not for the better. It’s frustrating that this poster would now have to say, ‘It’s Quicker By Rail (Unless You Meet A Cow)’.

2. It Oozes Frenchness. This isn’t my usual anti-France and all things French rant, in fact, it’s made me think of Grace Kelly. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you happen to be writing this in front of your girlfriend. Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that Grace Kelly isn’t French – or at least a close second behind her – but in the film To Catch A Thief, she did spend an awful lot of time poncing around with Cary Grant on the French Riviera. And frustratingly, this picture reminds me of that poncing. And if there are two things I can’t stand, it’s poncing and the French. Together.

3. The Woman. While the man looks like he’s a man, the woman looks like a statue. It’s disappointing for those of us who take female equality so seriously. You would never find 7 Reasons being so vindictive. That’s why, at all times, 50% of us are strictly male lesbians.

4. Visit Scarborough. It looks quite nice in the poster. If I had been alive back in 1927, I may have got on the train. Unfortunately, having found a photo of its current state and transposed it over the poster, I can see that it hasn’t really changed much. Which is why I now have little option but to pay the £108.40 and take the 5 hour 40 minute journey (plus cows).

5. Chivalry. I am naïve. I believe it when the older generation say, ‘it wasn’t like this in my day’. They are usually talking about manners. Or sex. But that was the wrong club at the wrong time, so really it’s just manners. People used to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, though not necessarily at the same time, and men with walking sticks would most definitely offer them to women with bad backs. Sadly, though this poster indicates that in fact man couldn’t care less. Which means the older generation have lied to me. Either that or this woman is in fact a statue.

6. It’s Joe. This man is Joe Scarborough. He’s the host of Morning Joe on MSNBC. In a past life he was also a politician. The only reason I know this is because I found numerous pictures of him while searching for a photo for Reason 4. Rather frustratingly, forever more, I will hold this useless piece of information about Joe Scarborough in my mind. No doubt at the expense of some fascinating fact about sausages.

7. The Man. He reminds me of Piers Morgan. And I’m not sure why. Which means it’s doubly frustrating. And as doubly frustrating things tend to do, they will no doubt occupy my mind for the rest of the day. Which in turn, of course, means I will be dreaming about Piers bloody Morgan tonight. Thank you BBC News Magazine. Not what I call a public service.

August 10, 2010
7 Reasons 7 Reasons Will Always Be Written In English

One of the questions we never get asked is, ‘Why do you always write in English?’ Here’s the answer.*

1. Francais. Même si je été dans le décodeur pour le français tout le chemin jusqu’à mes 16 ans, ma connaissance de la langue, maintenant que je suis 27 est assez pauvre. Ou, pour quelqu’un qui n’a absolument aucune intention de se rendre en France, sacrément bon.

2. Deutsch. Vorcestershire schlagen Varvickshire von zehn vickets. Alle deutschen weiß ich whacking beinhaltet ein “V” oder ein “Z” auf der Vorderseite jedes Wort. Es ist ziemlich plump und obwohl Jürgen Klinsmann es macht eine Menge über die BBC, ich kann nicht sicher sein, es ist die Genauigkeit.

3. Italiano. Dato che sembra sempre torto a me che ‘Ciao’ significa ‘Ciao’ e non ‘Goodbye’, è un linguaggio penso sempre destinato a lottare con. Questo, e il fatto che la Mafia parlano italiano. Se sono stato rapito dalla Mafia, davvero non voglio sapere che cosa stanno andando a fare per me. Preferirei che appena successo.

4. Española. “No tengo una vaca, pero tengo un asno”. Es decir todos los españoles que conozco. Significa: “Yo no tengo una vaca, pero tengo un asno.” Lamentablemente, a pesar de ser todos los españoles que conozco. También es inexacta de los hechos. No, no tengo una vaca, pero ni tengo un burro. No puedo escribir 7 razones que no tienen una vaca o un burro. No sé los españoles para eso.

5. Cymru. Er fy mod yn gwerthfawrogi y dyffryn Rhonda, ni allaf ond teimlo Cymraeg yn iaith hynod arwyddocaol meddwl i fyny gan y rhai sydd hefyd yn ystyried ei bod yn briodol i bobl dalu dod i Gymru, ond yn ddigon hapus i adael iddynt adael am ddim.

6. 中。我有一個英文鍵盤。它沒有任何對這些有趣的彎曲線的事情，中方稱為’字母’。我拒絕買中文鍵盤，因為我已經擁有英文鍵盤是在中國。

7. Zomerzetish. Moy noledge of wes cernty diolec is limiturd to sayin ‘cumbine arvester’. There r ownlee a limiturd numbur of posts I curn wroite aboot ‘cumbine arvesters’. An dis is won of dem.

*Google Translate can not be held responsible for any inaccuracies.**

**Neither can I.

July 6, 2010
7 Reasons To Love French Football

Sometimes, words are not enough. But that’s okay, we can always fall back on music and pictures.

7 Reasons To Love French Football

June 21, 2010
7 Reasons The French Couldn’t Invade The UK

1. Language. A successful French invasion would result in the British speaking French. That’s not happening. The British have about as much interest in learning French as they do in my trousers. They are also incapable of learning something so… well… pointless. (The British I mean, not my trousers. Though, come to think of it, my trousers are fairly incapable in that department too). The fact is, we Brits just wouldn’t turn up to the classes. The French would eventually get fed up and go home. Then they’d find that while they were out for the day we took over. Genius.

2. Beaches. The French have dainty little feet. It’s a well known fact, in my mind, that they spend 56% of their time in the bathroom moisturising their toes. If they try and invade by boat it means making an assault via our beaches. These are made from stone. That’s enough to make them turn around and run out of petrol in the middle of the English Channel. Please note that name. The English Channel. None of this French Chanel No.5 rubbish.

3. Flights. Attempting to invade by plane would be particularly stupid as most of the planes destined for Heathrow get diverted to Charles de Gaulle anyway. Or Luton. Both are pretty horrendous.

4. Time Difference. The French are an hour ahead of the British. Not in common sense, just in time. Supposing the French finish work at 5pm their time. It would take them two hours to get to London. That would be 6pm our time. Rush hour. Told you they didn’t have common sense.

5. Food. There is no point in invading and then going home for tea. We’d just take our country back. The French would actually have to occupy the UK. This would mean eating British food. Well they’re not going to do that are they? Who wants a plate of fish and chips when you can have frog’s legs dipped in snail fluid?

6. Nelson. Horatio still gives the French nightmares. That is why you never see an onion-selling cyclist in Trafalgar Square. Fancy losing a battle to a bloke with one arm and one eye. Do you know how difficult it is steer a ship with one arm and one eye? That’s pretty lame France.

7. Scared. The French are big pansies. In the early 1800’s Nelson had both the French and Spanish fleets blockaded in at Toulon. Instead of fighting back, they slipped through the back entrance. (A nasty habit). Nelson ended up having to chase them all the way to the West Indies. And back again. And they still didn’t bloody engage in battle. If that is their attitude how could they possibly invade the UK? They’d run away crying if the foghorn on the Calais to Dover ferry was a bit too loud.

March 22, 2010
7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace 7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace Nicolas Sarkozy as French President as French President

1. The stamps would look much, much better.

2. The President would be visible when speaking from behind a lectern and would no longer need to wear high heels.

3. Paris-Match magazine wouldn’t need to photoshop the President’s holiday pictures.

We’re not sure why they turned him pink.

4. Angela Merkel would have someone to go to the toilet with at EU summit meetings. We still don’t understand why women do that (Go to the toilet together, that is. We’re fairly certain we know why women go to the toilet).

5. Less Presidential time would be wasted jogging. Look at him, stumbling along in her wake. If she wasn’t being held back by a wheezing short-arse she could probably finish the run in half the time. This would leave more time for doing important President-y stuff and having a long lunch (it is the French presidency, after all).

6. As President, Carla Bruni would have less time to devote to her “singing” career.

7. More of a picture than a reason, but a convincing argument, nonetheless. She’s French, you know.

Do you have additional reasons, perhaps even sensible ones? Use the comments section.

November 11, 2009