7 Reasons

Tag: disney

  • 7 Reasons I Should Sue Disney

    Disney might have a reputation for making child friendly animations, but each and every one of them gave me nightmares. And I can’t be alone. The animators did some bloody scary things when they were colouring in.

    Nightmare 1.  Snow White And The Seven Dwarves. The Queen in Snow White concocts a potion and turns into my then next-door neighbour. As a result of not being able to bring myself to go next door, Disney owe me £45.75. (Or 22 tennis balls, one football and three badminton shuttlecocks).

    [youtube l9GJtM9lN-I Snow White – Queen Becomes The Witch]

    Nightmare 2.  Jungle Book. The slippery snake that is Kaa decides to make his eyes go all funny. Disney owe me two years worth of eyes as that is how long I spent not looking directly at people.

    [youtube TRASn4tcXFE Jungle Book – Kaa Hypnotizes Mowgli]

    Nightmare 3.  The Little Mermaid. The ugliest creation ever. And she wanted to hurt Ariel. Disney owe me a £5000 Hackett voucher for the clothes I ruined using lesser quality soap powders. They only have themselves to blame. If they’d called her Daz…

    [youtube LG8qwzUE1jE The Little Mermaid – Ursula The Witch]

    Nightmare 4.  Fantasia. The whole film was nightmare enough. How long did it last? Two weeks or something? This scene inparticular gave me the creeps though. Dancing broomsticks. Well, actually, not just dancing broomsticks. Dancing broomsticks and a haunting musical accompaniment. Disney owe me house cleaner.

    [youtube R-7Qar1lFjo Fantasia – The Sorcerer’s Apprentice]

    Nightmare 5.  Lady And The Tramp. Not only did the siamese cats look scary, the bloody song made them terrifying. Disney owe me a pet.

    [youtube TpPGE_SKtA4 Lady And The Tramp – Siamese Cats]

    Nightmare 6.  Dumbo. Elephants made out of bubbles. Need I say more. This is probably the single most scary act in any Disney film ever. Disney owe me 3000 litres of soapy water as this is how much I threw out instead of making bubbles from it. You know, just in case.

    [youtube RJv2Mugm2RI Dumbo – Pink Elephants On Parade]

    Nightmare 7.  Bambi’s Mum Dies. Why? Why did this have to happen? What had Bambi’s mum done to the bastard who shot her? From the very moment I saw this – when cinema tickets cost about £1.90 – I was scarred. Disney owe me a deer. Called ‘Mother’.

    [youtube -eHr-9_6hCg Bambi – Bambi’s Mum Dies]

  • 7 Reasons 7 Robin Hoods Have Been Useless

    7 Reasons 7 Robin Hoods Have Been Useless

    The French Robin

    When I was a child, I loved the stories of Robin Hood. This great outlaw who beat the baddies and gave to the goodies. So when it comes to the big screen, I would like to know why they always cock it up. Why the hell can’t Robin be the Robin I admired so much when I was sat in bed in my Super-Ted pyjamas? Let’s have a look at seven Robin Hoods. And why they were rubbish.

    1.  Errol Flynn. The Adventures Of Robin Hood (1938). He was alright firing his arrows, but I’m sorry, no man should be seen to enjoy wearing tights quite as much as Errol did. The real Robin Hood certainly wouldn’t have been.

    2.  Brian Bedford. Robin Hood (1973). Don’t recognise the name? No, that’s because Brian Bedford (whoever he is) voiced the animated version of Robin Hood in this Disney version. The version where Robin was a fox. Robin Hood was not a bloody fox. Robin Hood was a man. The lack of research is astounding.

    3.  Sean Connery. Robin And Marian (1976). Robin Hood is 46 apparently. Oh, and he’s decided he doesn’t like Richard The Lionheart anymore. What the hell? Robin Hood never reached the age of 46. He’s like Peter Pan. Always in his late twenties or early thirties. And as for disliking good old Richard. Laughable. Robin had posters of Richard on his treehouse and everything.

    4.  Wayne Morris. Maid Marian And Her Merry Men (BBC TV Series 1989-1994). Everyone remembers this programme for Marian. And possibly Tony Robinson. There was a Robin though. He was called Robin of Kensington. And he was a tailor. A tailor? In Kensington? Yes, because that’s right next to Sherwood forest isn’t it? I think I may be losing the will to live.

    5.  Kevin Costner. Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991). Never quite got the hang of the accent thing did Kevin. Either that or some muppet told him Robin Hood was born in California.

    6.  Jonas Armstrong. Robin Hood (BBC TV Series 2006-2009). If there is one thing we know about Robin Hood for sure, it is that he liked firing arrows and he had the horn whenever he saw Marian. He fancied her. He wanted her. And he does in this version. Great. That’s until Marian decides to leave. Does Robin chase her and try and get her back? No, he moves onto the new girl in the village. Some bird called Kate. Pathetic.

    7.  Russell Crowe. Robin Hood (2010). Russell Crowe thinks Robin Hood is French. I shall let my silence tell you what I think of that.

  • 7 Reasons I Don’t Care About Cheryl Bloody Cole

    7 Reasons I Don’t Care About Cheryl Bloody Cole

    1.  Thug. The nation loves Cheryl Cole, so we are told.  Do we?  I don’t.  I’m quite sure that Sophie Amogbokpa doesn’t – that’s the toilet attendant and part-time law student that Cheryl Cole was convicted of assaulting in a nightclub toilet in 2003.  The judge at the trial wasn’t particularly taken with her either, criticizing her for having “…showed no remorse whatsoever.”  That’s at least three people who don’t love Cheryl Cole.  I’m pretty sure my cat doesn’t like her either.

    2.  Heartbreak. We’ve spent the last two weeks reading about how heartbroken Cheryl Cole is over her husband’s dalliances and now newspapers are reporting that she has a new boyfriend.  That’s not heartbreak, it’s not even heartslightlybent or heartatinyweenybitchipped.  We can’t blame her for this though, we’ve got an insatiable media hungry for any new angle on this story – it’s selling a lot of newspapers, after all.  Poor Cheryl is obviously being exploited by them.  After all, if she knew that her every move was being scrutinized by the media, would she entertain a man in her hotel room until 4am?  Of course not, unless she wanted to wring yet more publicity out of the story…oh, silly me.

    3.  America. After the Ashley Cole phone-text-photo story broke earlier this month, Cheryl Cole went off to America to spend some time away from the media spotlight, choosing as her destination the quiet, secluded backwater of Los Angeles.  Purely coincidentally, this is where most US television executives are based.  Did you know that Cheryl is being considered as a judge on the American X Factor, which Simon Cowell will be launching there next year?  How propitious that she should find herself in a town full of television executives – who may not have heard of her previously – at the very moment she has an enormous press-pack following her every move.

    4.  Attractiveness. Another popular myth about Cheryl Cole is that everyone finds her attractive.  This is not true, I don’t.  I find her flawless face, small, perky nose and large, almond-shaped eyes a bit weird to be honest.  She has the perfect, symmetrical, neotenous visage of a Disney character.  Is this really something grown-ups find attractive?  Not me.  I don’t fancy Cheryl Cole and I don’t fancy Pocahontas.  Nor do I lust after The Little Mermaid.

    5.  Ashley. Whatever you think of Ashley Cole and the way he conducts himself, it’s hard to fault him over the way he’s conducted himself since the story broke.  He’s kept quiet about it.  He’s just shut up and got on with trying to recover from his ankle injury in time for the World Cup.  I’ll level with you, I can’t stand Ashley Cole.  I think that the revelations that emerged a couple of years ago – that he cheated on his wife and paused during sex with a girl he’d met at a nightclub, so he could throw up on her bedroom floor, before resuming sex – show an appalling lack of respect for his wife, his marriage, women in general, and carpets.  He is obviously a foul and abhorrent rotter.  So when Ashley Cole is the one setting the example of how to behave decorously in the face of the media onslaught over the break-up, something is seriously wrong.

    Cheryl Cole - Ashley Cole National Lottery advert

    6.  Cynicism. You can call me cynical but…actually, forget the but, you can call me cynical – I can live with that.  I find the whole media obsession with the Coles a bore, and I find Cheryl’s manipulation of that interest exploitative and wholly self-serving.  I may have a very cynical view of the whole thing, but it’s nothing when compared to the cynicism with which she is wringing every last bit of sympathy and publicity from the coverage.

    7.  Does anyone else care? Okay, I have just spent a good bit of time thinking about it, and a fair amount of time writing about it, but I don’t actually care about Cheryl Cole or Ashley Cole (except during England matches), I’m just annoyed by all of the media coverage that their break-up is generating.  I’m sure that there are far more important events happening in the world than the break-up of a thug who can’t sing and a footballer who can’t keep his trousers on, I just don’t know what they are because the news agenda is dominated by this non-story.  Perhaps something is happening in Haiti, the Falklands, Madeira, parliament, Afghanistan or Northern Ireland.  Who knows?

    Do you care about Cheryl and Ashley Cole’s break-up?  If so, please tell me why via the comments section, as I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something I’m missing.