Tag: Dangerous

7 Reasons Blu-Tack Is Dangerous

When you think about it, the fact that there are not more pencil case injuries is staggering. Stationery is dangerous. You can staple your thumb to the wall, you can poke your eye out with a pencil, you can get a rubber lodged up places. All these potential hazards pale into insignificance however when you place them next to… wait for it… Blu-Tack.

Incredible Blu-Tack Spider by Elizabeth Thompson

1. Wall Collapses. Sadly, this is based on personal experience. Having used Blu-Tack to affix the DAB aerial to the wall in the hope of being able to hear Test Match Special, I then tried to pull it down as soon Geoffrey Boycott got his hands on the microphone. Unfortunately, I pulled a bit too hard. And while the aerial successfully came away from the wall, so did a non-too inconsiderate amount of plaster and plasterboard. It’s tough stuff Blu-Tack.

2. Monsters. Blu-Tack can be turned into giant spiders. Look at it! It’s huge! And not exactly un-lifelike either. Forget you’ve made this when you wander to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you’re going to get the fright of your life.

3. Typing. I like playing with Blu-Tack. It’s probably the equivalent of a comfort blanket. I have a blob (currently spherical in shape) on my desk and I always find myself rolling it around with my fingers. Half the time I don’t even realise I’m doing it. Nor do I realise that little bits get left on the tips of my fingers. This can cause problems. The other day, for instance, I was writing an email and my finger became stuck on the xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Marc still hasn’t replied.

4. Baldness. People suggest alopecia is the quickest and most terrifying way to lose hair. I disagree. Get Blu-Tack in your hair and it is there for good. The only way to get rid of it is to shave your head. Which is fine if you are thinking of popping down to the local Hare Krishna Temple, but not so great if your name is Rapunzel.

5. Goggles. Two years ago there was the bizarre story reported that teachers at one school ordered children to wear goggles before handling Blu-Tack. Their reasoning (and they one gave one) was that it prevented children from rubbing it into their eyes. I would say though, that wearing goggles is far more dangerous. Not only could it cause name-calling – four-eyes etc – you can be sure that the class bully will go up to one child, pull the goggles away from his eyes and then let go. With a thud the elastic will snap the goggles back into the unsuspecting child’s face and case rings around the eyes. You’re just giving bullies the equipment to bully. Blu-Tack shouldn’t be anywhere near the classroom. Over 18s only I say.

6. Spelling-Bee. Erm. It’s spelt blue. What sort of lesson are Blu-Tack setting to the younger generation if they so willingly spell words as they sound and not as they are rightly spelt? We’d have books full of ‘Terradactuls’ and ‘bagets’ and ‘leperds’ and ‘curnels’. What an abomination that would be. Blu-Tack are having a dangerous effect on our youth. Speaking of which…

7. Colour-Blindness. In their infinite wisdom Blu-Tack also sell Yello-Tack. Only instead of calling it Yello-Tack, they call it Blu-Tack. Which is bloody confusing. What happens if a baby’s first words in life are, “What’s this mummy?” as they hold up yellow Blu-Tack. The mother will say, “It’s Blu-Tack dear.” Followed by, “Oh my goodness! The baby’s talking! The baby’s talking!” In all the excitement they will totally miss the fact that they have just taught their baby that yellow is in fact blue. That will be ingrained on the baby for life.

October 13, 2011
7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil

Today is National Cushion Day in Oman! No, not really. We just needed a hook to get you reading. A sly move we admit, but one that worked. Assuming you did your good deed for the day yesterday, you’ll no doubt be going to the shops later to buy a pet Kim Jong Il. Have you thought about where you are going to put him though? The reason we ask is that you may well seat him on a cushion. Today we want to warn against this practice. You see, cushions pose more danger that admitting you like croissants.

1. Zip It. If you look at your cushions, you’ll probably notice that the cover is zipped on one side. This is so you can remove the cover and wash it. A practice we have to do every Sunday after our Saturday guest writer has thrown coke all over the 7 Reasons sofa. Putting the cover back on the cushion is where the danger begins. Zipping it up is never effortless. The zip always gets caught on a loose thread and causes minutes of straining and swearing. Then it suddenly gives way. It flies straight to the end, zipping everything in its path. Fingers, cat tails, lemons, penises*. Everything.

2. Vision Impaired. There is no doubt that a cushion cover can make a very good headdress when you are indulging in a little fancy dress. Or role-play. They are particularly useful if you want to be a cheap version of Robin Hood. The Maid Marian And Her Merry Men version, not the Russell Crowe version. The problem comes when it drops down over your eyes. Especially if you’re driving the mini-bus at the time. Bumping into things, like rivers, is quite common.

3. On Display. If the 7 Reasons sofa lacks anything, it’s display cushions. For a very good reason. What is the point in them? Are you supposed to move them? Are you allowed to move them? What will the owner say if you move them? If you do move them, where do you move them to? Are you even sure that is a display cushion? What’s the difference between that cushion and that cushion? Display cushions cause trauma.

4. Trip Hazard. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team can’t stand cushions. They’re always in the way. Preventing him from sitting down. They seem to multiply in number every day. As a result he places them neatly on the floor. Of course, then he goes flying when he’s taking the empty plates through to the kitchen. Which could explain the broken handle on the front of the oven.

5. Expense. It’s not just physical abuse a cushion will hand out, it’ll abuse your bank account too. When you redecorate the house, you need to buy new covers for the cushions. Which means you need to buy storage for the old cushion covers. And then you need to buy storage for the storage that’s storing the old cushion covers. And on it goes. And goes. And goes. Until you hear from your bank manager for the first time ever.

6. Illegal Entry. A cushion to a pillow is like a rugby league ball to a union ball. You might think they are interchangeable, but they are not. Particularly so when a pillow fight is taking place. Pillows are soft and their cases softer. Cushions are hard with pointy corners. Bringing a cushion in to a pillow fight, apart from being illegal, could very easily result in eye pokage. Naughty.

7. Suck Up. Most of the guest writers who spread themselves across the 7 Reasons sofa do so with the elegance and grace that you would expect. Some, however, see the sofa as a piece of apparatus. Which is why they leapfrog over the back, cartwheel over the armrests and generally treat it as a bouncy castle. It is lucky the 7 Reasons cushions are not decorated with beads or sequins. If so, a few of our guest writers may well have ended up in hospital with a button shoved up their backside. Not pleasant. And a reminder to all that cushions are evil. Even more so than dolphins.

*Why Marc was washing the 7 Reasons sofa cushions in the buff is something we have never discussed.

June 3, 2011
7 Reasons Ironing Is Dangerous

1. Ironing Board Covers. Goodness knows why man can’t invent a cover that actually fits the ironing board properly. I don’t know, maybe it is just one of those impossible challenges. Like building a pyramid upside down. Anyway, an ironing board cover that decides to flap around and generally not stay where it is meant to, really annoys me. So much so that I might kick out. Unfortunately, the same git who decided not to design the cover properly, also left sharp bits of metal on the underside of the board.

2. Calluses. In the same way that one might gain calluses on their finger tips as they play the guitar, I am developing them where the fingers meet the palm of the hand. Not dangerous in itself, but a sign that I am developing a reputation for being someone who likes ironing. And that is a very dangerous reputation to live with.

3. RSI. No not Repetitive Strain Injury, but Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board. How the bloody hell am I supposed to remove all the creases from the duvet cover if I can only iron 12% of its surface area at anyone time? The rest just creases itself on the floor. So I have to do it again. And again. And again. Until I become an addict. And addictions are dangerous.

4. Trip Hazards. And while we are talking about my duvet cover creasing itself on the floor, I must also point out that it’s also trip hazard. Or at least 88% of it is. Poxy thing. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is. I don’t need props.

5. RSI. No, not Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board – we’ve dealt with that already – but Repetitive Strain Injury. There are only so many movements you can make with an iron – assuming you are doing the job properly anyway. Right to left or left to right seem to be the only options. I would love to do top to bottom, but whoever invented bras made it impossible.

6. Sharks. You may be thinking, ‘How they hell do sharks make ironing dangerous?’ Trust me, if you are doing your ironing on a surfboard the last thing you need to worry about is whether your girlfriend is going to notice that iron shaped burn.

7. People. They generally don’t like it when you iron their clothes. Especially if: (a) they are complete strangers and (b) they are wearing them at the time. Usually this will result in either: (a) a punch, (b) an arrest warrant or (c) both.

July 20, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly

Please note, the proper way to kiss involves lip on lip action. No substitute will be accepted. Until you’ve finished reading this anyway. Quite frankly, I suspect you’ll all be so horny in two minutes time that you’ll want to go away and try the lot. I shan’t stand in your way.

1. Eskimo Kiss. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but you have no idea what your fellow kisser has up their nose. They could be suffering from a hideous cold. The impact of nose on nose could cause an embarrassing and traumatic experience for both of you. Especially if the words, ‘Bloody hell, it was a marble’ are soon heard.

2. Butterfly Kiss. It’s pretty obvious what can go wrong here. Eyelashes may become tangled. You will have to pull apart in a move reminiscent of a Christmas cracker. Who will end up with the extra eyelid?

3. Fishlips Kiss. Just so there is no doubt as to what I am referring to here, please see the photo above. Thanks. This is a particularly dangerous kiss as it may result in you sucking so hard on the inside of your cheeks that you actually bite a chunk off. You don’t really want that floating about your mouth while partaking in a little romance. It’s also a particularly awkward kiss as you both have to tilt your heads quite a long way. Neck strains are commonplace.

4. Earlobe Kiss. This is quite sensual. So long as earrings aren’t involved. Choking on such a thing completely spoils the mood.

5. Glasgow Kiss. As the name suggests, this a particularly romantic kiss. Also known as the headbutt. You’ve got to be really sure the object of your desire is a sadist before giving this a go. Either that or make sure he/she has something soft to land on.

6. Gum Kissing. This is a strange one. People – that’s us – have long had a fascination with pretending we have no teeth. (I imagine it must be the sound we make when trying to talk as opposed to the thought of our dentures floating in glass next to us). Really this is where such a fascination should end. Just you. On your own. Looking in the mirror. Under no circumstances should you try and kiss someone like this. Not only does it feel weird, it is an accurate representation of how kissing each other will feel in fifty years. Can you live your life knowing what is around the corner?

7. Vacuum Kiss. This is best tried when someone is least expecting it. Perhaps when they are driving a bus. However, this move is also the most dangerous of the lot. It is one thing distracting the driver, quite another sucking the life out of them.

*All information has been researched and verified by a kissing expert.

March 26, 2010
7 Reasons Jumping Up And Down In The Shower Is Silly

1. Ceilings. Showers generally have them. There is a reason for this. You don’t want to give plane users a good show do you? And if you do there are places for that sort of stuff. But I digress, smashing your head on the ceiling. Not clever.

2. Long hair. This mainly applies to girls and the French rugby team. Your long hair could quite easily get wrapped around the shower head. Then what are you going to do? Pulling is going to hurt. Scissors are rarely within reach. You are probably just going to have to stay there.

3. Slippery. Assuming you have actually switched the water on and you haven’t gone in the shower with your anti-slip hiking boots on, the tray isn’t going to be the safest place to jump around in. One false landing and there is no knowing where the soap may end up.

4. Design. A shower was simply not made to withstand the sheer force of someone jumping up and down in it. The tray will only take so much pounding before it cracks. And what with water being water and gravity being gravity, it isn’t going to be long before your lounge has a new water feature.

5. Sweat. Doing exercise, as jumping up and down in the shower could be classed as, produces sweat. The point of going into the shower is to get rid of stuff like sweat is it not? So jumping up and down in the shower is about as logical as taking your bike for a walk.

6. Muscle Injury. Generally speaking people do not warm-up before entering the shower. This means their muscles are cold. Contrary to popular opinion, getting under a hot shower doesn’t have the same effect as stretching. The pinging and twanging of hamstrings is only a matter of time away.

7. It looks weird. What? Do you really need me to explain why?

March 3, 2010
7 Reasons Tesco Is Dangerous

1. Trolleys. For the first time in 7 Reasons history, we have a three pronged reason. (Yes, that is the official name). One: Wobbly wheels – An absolute nightmare to control. One minute you are heading for Lady Grey tea bags the next you find yourself in frozen sausages. Two: Trolley rage – Why does everyone else push their trolley so slowly? And why do they always alter direction just as you are trying to squeeze past them? And why do they always leave their trolley right in front of the ginger nuts? You just want to slam someone through the cheese counter. Three: Not your trolley – You leave your trolley for a second to grab a box of Bran Flakes, then when you come back you put them in someone else’s trolley and walk off with it. And their baby.

2. Petrol. Petrol stations are dangerous at the best of times, but they are a just an accident waiting to happen when owned by Tesco. It is so easy to douse yourself in said liquid while imagining getting home and opening the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies you have just bought.

3. Hunger. Go to Tesco when you are hungry and before you know it you will end up with food you don’t need, a poor credit rating and dozens upon dozens of gym membership offers.

4. Acquaintances. Why is it you can’t go to Tesco without seeing someone you know? And why is it always someone you really don’t want to talk to? Or let look in your trolley? You have no choice but to creep around the store hiding behind boxes of Shreddies and buying enormous French loaves to cover your face.

5. Tills. You go to the same Tesco every week. You always see the same cashiers. You have absolutely no intention of talking to them when you are in the queue, but as soon as you are packing your bags you are talking to them as if you spent the previous night on the phone to each other. Why?

6. Stalkers. Tesco is a popular training ground for stalkers. They position themselves in the flower section, behind the lilies. Any victim who smiles at the lilies will automatically be smiling at the stalker. This is all the encouragement they need. Suddenly the stalker is off. Following their victim from fruit & veg to tinned tomatoes to their car. If you shop at Tesco make sure your list includes pepper spray.

7. Shelves. Because visual merchandising is more important to Tesco than health and safety, products are stacked in creative ways. Creativity has a habit of falling down and cracking you on the top of the head. So do tins of baked beans.

*It would be unfair of me to take full credit for this piece as someone else thought of 5 ½ reasons. But I will. I had to write it after all.

February 25, 2010