7 Reasons

Tag: christmas

  • 7 Reasons to Make Your Own Calendar

    7 Reasons to Make Your Own Calendar

    Calendar

    1.  Dates (Women).  You can put important dates on it so that your partner won’t forget them.  Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, he’ll never forget them if you put them on a calendar.

    2.  Credit Crunch.  As a result of the new-austerity, we’re all looking for gifts that are cheap and thoughtful.  A personalised calendar is inexpensive and lets people know that you’re thinking of them.  Also, if you haven’t been affected by the credit crunch and want to remind your friends of this, you can put your holiday pictures from The Maldives on it.

    Skippy

    3.  Skippy.  You can give your friends and relatives a calendar with twelve pictures of your dog, Skippy, on it.  It’s not like showing them a picture of Skippy, or posting it on Facebook, where they’ll only look at it once.  If you give someone a calendar they can look at Skippy for a whole year.  He’ll be there every time they look at their kitchen wall; chasing a ball, slavering, wearing a Santa hat, chasing a stick, poking his tongue out, chasing a Frisbee, drinking his water, sitting, standing, jumping, running, sleeping, lying on his side, Skippy’s there all year!

    4.  Dates (Men).  You can put important dates on it so that your partner won’t forget them.  Sporting events, beer festivals, Xbox 360 game release dates, she’ll never forget them if you put them on a calendar

    5.  Customisability.  In your own calendar you can make the months as long or as short as you want.  On my calendar, June is fifty days long and February is only six.  This is a huge improvement as I loathe the cold, winter weather and I can spread my family’s many June birthdays over a longer time period, making the June glut of present-buying more financially manageable.  I’m fairly certain that you can use this method to make a prison sentence shorter and make payday nearer too.

    6.  Revert.  Tired of the Gregorian calendar?  Feel that the implementation of the 1582 Papal decree was heavy-handed and had a poor consultation process?  Never mind, if you make your own, you can revert to the Julian calendar and say “Up yours!” to Pope Gregory XIII.

    7.  Reasons. You can make your own 7 Reasons calendar with your favourite reasons on it.  As long as it’s for personal use we don’t mind, cut and paste away.  Send us an email if you want a copy of our logo and let us know how you got on.  You can even send us a copy if you like.  Then we won’t have to look at Skippy next year.  Again.

  • 7 Reasons to Shop Online

    7 Reasons to Shop Online

    Online Shopping

    1. Queues.  Sometimes, shops are busy and there are long queues.  Having spent the previous ten minutes standing in a queue for the checkout, many people are taken by surprise when they are asked for money.  Once they get over the shock of this unanticipated event, they proceed to spend an inordinate amount of time fumbling for cash, cards or vouchers in their pocket, wallet or handbag (sometimes all three), thus making everyone else’s wait in the queue even longer.  Approximately 50% of the people in the queue will do this.  When an online shop is busy, their servers are sometimes slow, which causes pages to load slowly.  This gives you time to practice drumming on the desk or to sing show-tunes from Fiddler on the Roof which, on balance, is better than murdering idiots in Borders.

    2.  Scary Man.

    Scary Man

    I saw this man at the shops.

    3.  Creativity.  If you have too much beer, you can’t go shopping.  You tend to stumble about, get distracted and forget things.  You may even fall over or get asked to leave the shop.  When shopping online though, drunkenness is a virtue, as it lowers our inhibitions and brings our creative tendencies to the fore.  In the same way that all of the best ideas happen in the pub (and are sadly often forgotten), all the best shopping ideas occur when under the influence.  Why buy your partner perfume or aftershave, lingerie or underpants in a shop when you can have a few beers and get them a pan in the shape of a fried egg, a map of New Zealand, an illuminated bust of Beethoven and a biography of Charles Lindbergh?  You can also get yourself a new bicycle while you’re at it.

    4.  Happy cat.  When you have to go to the shop for groceries, you tend to pick up a couple of tins of cat food at a time.  When you shop online, you stock up.  The monthly online grocery shop is like Christmas for cats.

    Happy Cat_edited-1

    5.  Attire. When you visit the shops, you have to dress normally, or people will point at you and security guards may follow you around.  When you’re shopping online, however, you can wear whatever you want.  If you’re fond of hats, you can wear a pith helmet, a Davy Crockett hat, a top hat or a straw boater without feeling at all self-conscious.  If you’re not fond of hats, you can wear whatever costume you like.  You could dress up as a Louis XVI or a pirate – you could even dress up as a bear, though this might hamper your ability to use the keyboard and may cause you to order too much salmon.

    6.  Teenagers.  The over-made-up 15 year girl at the Superdrug checkout who hates you for reasons that you don’t understand doesn’t scowl at you, and sigh when you tell her that you don’t require a bag, when you shop online.  You may not recall treading on her puppy but at some point during a transaction with her, you will wonder if you have.

    7.  Christmas.  When you shop online your senses aren’t assaulted by gaudy decorations, flashing lights, glittery stuff or baubles, unless that’s what your own home looks like, in which case you probably won’t mind.  You will not bang your head on all of the decorations which were hung from the ceiling by an inconsiderate short-arse (for blind people this is a serious issue) and you will not have to listen to Stop The Cavalry once, let alone thirty times.  I hate Stop The Cavalry so much that I’m tempted to write Stop The Stop The Cavalry.  I probably will do, in a queue in a shop while waiting for people who’ve just discovered that they need to exchange money for goods.