Tag: Cake

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Almost Everyone Should Keep Chickens

Dads are an interesting bunch. They’re either absent; or they’re present in body but absent in any meaningful way (such as when you want a lift to a dodgy club no parent worthy of the title would ever take their 17-year-old, much less drop off a block away so the teenager in question wouldn’t have to be seen with their totally embarrassing dad); or they care deeply about the fortunate position they’re in and want to bestow upon their children gems of wisdom. Gems like, “You could feed the world on chickens and zucchini. If everyone just kept chickens and grew zucchini, world hunger would cease.”

Like I said, interesting.

In honour of Father’s Day – and now that I am 36 years old and living 4,000 miles away from my bonkers old man – I can concede that fathers sometimes do know best. At least when it comes to solving life’s little problems, like world hunger. So as a tribute to my dad, here are 7 reasons why almost everyone should keep chickens.

1. Chickens + zucchini = starvation solved! In a nutshell, the theory is this: chickens are inexpensive, easy to keep and don’t take up much space. They produce eggs, which you can eat, and if you can tolerate a noisy cockerel, they’ll also keep producing chickens, which you also can eat. Zucchini, otherwise known as courgette, operates in much the same way. Cheap, self-sufficient, produces loads. Mind you, no one actually likes to eat zucchini, but shred it in with some eggs (and other stuff) and you can make the world’s greatest cake. Fact.

2. Got weeds? Hate cutting the grass? Get chickens and they’ll do all the work for you. What’s more, they’ll actually enjoy doing it for you. Let’s not kid ourselves that chickens are anything like pets, because they’re not. They’re skittish instead of cuddly, they sometimes get mites (which are gross) and they’re incredibly stupid. So stupid, in fact, that their world revolves around scratching up worms and picking at weeds. Chickens are like vacuum cleaners for the garden, except that they…

3. …poo everywhere. This is one aspect that chicken enthusiasts will always gloss over. Yes it’s lovely to see a smattering of colourful hens blissfully pecking about in your garden, but the price you pay is in poo. On the upside, the stinky stuff is so rich in nutrients that it will keep your zucchini plants growing fat and happy without any weird chemical frankenfertilisers.

4. I’ve yet to meet a kid who willingly eats the crusts of bread, but do you know who will? That’s right. As well as being squawking, pooing, mite-infested simpletons, chickens have another thing going for them: they will eat anything your kids won’t, including eggs and eggshells. But not actual chicken-meat byproducts, which would just be gross and cruel, even if they’d be too dumb to know the difference.

5. Also, kiddies love chickens. Collecting eggs is like finding a little present every day. Feeding chickens gives children a sense of responsibility and compassion, or at least it keeps them out of your hair for five minutes. Better yet, let your kids have some fluffy chicks. Just don’t tell them they’ll probably get eaten someday (the chickens, not the kids.)

6. Everybody loves eggs. Therefore your popularity will be guaranteed every time you nonchalantly offer a free half-dozen to your mates. No one has to know it’s because the thought of one more omelette is enough to send you rushing for the laxatives.

7. Chickens in knitwear. This phenomenon is beyond my powers of sarcasm, you just have to appreciate it for yourselves.

June 3, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You’ll Put Weight On This Winter

As we head into winter, you’re probably dreading the added expense of Christmas and New Year. Our wallets are already stretched to breaking point, with families up and down the land having to make cut-backs here, there and everywhere, so the last thing we need is another visit from Rudolph and co.

That said, although you may be worrying about whether Santa will survive on the less-than-luxury mince pies you leave him at the foot of your chimney, you should probably be worrying about your waistline too. Why? Because winter is when many of us let ourselves go.

So, if you don’t want to enter 2013 looking like you do on the back of a dessert spoon, watch what you eat. Otherwise you might find yourself adhering to all seven of these reasons why you’ll put on more weight.

1. Cold weather. As winter is the coldest season of the year it’s pretty much a given that people are less active. Gone are the early morning walks with the dog, the sunset jogs around the block and the weekend cycles in the countryside. In comes the staying indoors, the radiators turned up and rubbish on the TV. Out goes the range cookers and the hearty filling food, in comes the takeaways and the microwave meals….

2. Wet weather. The winter brings with it wet weather too. If it’s wet you’re less likely to want to walk, cycle or snake-board to work, turning to your car instead. Understandably too. Why turn up to work like a drowned rat, when you can get there in the warm and relative comfort of your own pride and joy? The thing is, though, while it may be convenient, not only will your travel expenses rise, so will the size of your trousers.

3. Less light. With the clocks going back the nights get longer. You end up going to work in the dark, and coming home in the dark. As such, many of us start to ‘hibernate’, with our body clocks thinking it’s time to shut down for the evening. “Shall I go to the gym?” you ask yourself. “Nahhhh. I’ll go home to the warm, thanks.” Less daylight and longer nights reduce your desire to keep active, leading to a night in front of the tellybox, rather than the exercise mat. Unless you’re watching Aerobics Oz Style on Sky Sports 2 of course.

4. Winter blues. Talk to any sufferer of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and they will tell you the same thing, as soon as the clocks go back their mood suffers horribly. They rue the loss of summer and dread the cold winter months. They get depressed, they get down and they miss the sun. They crave sweet and carb-heavy foods to keep up their energy and spirits. If that sounds familiar, watch the scales go up.

5. Seasonal food. Christmas is coming earlier and earlier nowadays. In fact, it was August this year when we first started noticing festive fare on the shelves. Mince pies, Christmas puddings, Twiglets, nuts, selection boxes, advent calendas… you could actually buy them IN AUGUST this year. Surely a new record? If you’re tempted by these offers (£5 for a tub of Celebrations for example), then just think to yourself, “I’m going to get fat!” That should stop you. Unless you say it with pride and conviction, in which case no one can help you.

6. Seasonal drink. Now this one is a sore point for many of us. Supermarkets up and down the land know that us Brits love a drink. We do. We can’t get by without the odd glass of wine now and again. But with Christmas coming, it’s fair game. “A bottle of Baileys for £12, when the normal RRP is £20? I’m there!” But so are those pesky little calories. If you don’t want to slam on the festive flab, then try and avoid these festive drink offers. Or use a straw. You’ll probably feel better that way.

7. Office treats. No matter how hard you try to stay cheery in the winter months, whether that’s keeping up your exercise routine, going for walks or constructing a stationary tower out of paper clips, you can bet your bottom dollar/pound that your workmates won’t be as committed as you. As a result, before you know it, the office will be inundated with sugary treats to help celebrate…erm… nothing in particular. So, if you don’t want to see your scales creak under the weight of all that office joviality, the trick is to learn to say no. Good luck.

October 30, 2012
7 Reasons To Take A Spoon To Bed

As can sometimes happen I forgot about my 7 Reasons duties this morning. In something of a panic I asked the whole of twitter for requests. The one reply I got was, ‘7 Reasons Not To Forget 7 Reasons’. I started but it soon became obvious that there were plenty of reasons to forget 7 Reasons and only one – a Marc shaped one – not to. Thankfully, lady luck was on my side as regular guest writer, Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best, updated his twitter feed with, “I’ve just found a spoon in my bed”. Dr SPJB went on to question why it was there, but he didn’t need to. The doctor, as with all doctors, is a genius. There are many reasons to take a spoon to bed. Here are just seven:

The Philosophy Of Beds & Spoons by Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best

1. Have Your Cake And Eat It. That’s right, with a spoon as your bed companion, not only can you take cake to bed, but you can eat it. I’ve never quite understood this idiom. Who has cake but doesn’t eat it? That would be stupid.

2. Defence. All sorts of things can happen when you are asleep as anyone who has seen Fantasia will confirm. The last thing you want is to be attacked by a collection of broomsticks while you are unarmed. Good then to have a spoon to defend yourself with. Threatening enough to help protect you, but not dangerous enough to destroy the house when you swipe at imaginary buckets. Or a shaved lamb.*

3. Self-Esteem. We all have times when we go to bed and can’t sleep. More often than not this leads us in to a state of worry. Women worry whether they are too fat or too thin. Men worry about relegation. While a spoon won’t help keep Aston Villa in the Premiership, it will certainly help a woman sleep peacefully. Think you’re too fat? Look at the back of the spoon. Think you’re too thin? Look at the front of the spoon.

4. Uri Geller. Quite why our bodies feel the need to wake us up in the middle of the night is anyone’s guess, but sometimes we find it impossible to drop off back to sleep. Indeed, the harder we try, the harder it becomes. In such situations the TV becomes our sole-mate. In the good old days Channel 5 used to show live baseball. Now they just show rubbish. Including Uri Geller. Still, at least if you’ve got a spoon in bed you can join in.

5. Dribble. If like me, you dribble in the night, having a spoon in bed would be really useful. Instead of turning the pillow over and letting the dribble seep into the sheet, you can spoon it into a bucket. Yes, you’d have to take a bucket to bed too.

6. Tent. We’ve all gone to bed with a torch and a comic and hidden under the duvet. I do it every Sunday. It’s pretty realistic to camping on Mount Everest. Just fewer yetis. The one thing I always lack though is something to prop the tent up. For any length of time at least. Assuming I take a big spoon I could use that. A big spoon would also be helpful if I wanted to reach something that I otherwise couldn’t. My girlfriend’s perfume for instance. I don’t wear it, but spraying a little bit on the fire really helps it. Obviously I don’t let it get out of control. If it starts burning the mattress I spoon a bit of dribble onto it. Usually does the trick.

7. Waterbed. I’ve never quite seen the attraction of a waterbed, but I could be tempted if I was allowed to take a spoon with me. Let’s be honest, the bed could quite easily burst. Floating out of the bedroom and whitewater rapid rafting down the stairs is not my idea of fun. If I had a spoon though at least I could use it as a paddle.

*The shaved lamb wasn’t in Fantasia. Just my bedroom.

April 14, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: It’s Cake!
Hello 7 Reasons readers! It’s Marc here and today, dear readers, we would like you to make a cake. This cake.

It’s Oxfam’s Easy Lime and Ginger Cheesecake, the recipe for which comes from my local Oxfam Bookshop’s brilliant blog . The recipe calls for the use of Fairtrade Stem Ginger Cookies and, when you go to your nearest Oxfam shop to buy them, you’ll be giving money to a worthwhile cause. That’s right readers, by making and eating an ethically sourced cheesecake (unless you buy mascarpone sourced from warmongering cheesemongers) you’ll be helping a good cause in an ethical way. In fact, if we can all make and eat enough cheesecake, we can probably save the world, and I’ll be trying very hard. Here’s the achingly simple recipe as published by Oxfam Books, Petergate York:

Easy Lime and Ginger Cheesecake
- Serves 4
- Prep time: 15 min
- Chilling time: 30 min
- Basically, in 45 minutes you’re in business.
Ingredients
- 200g pack of Fairtrade stem ginger cookies, crushed
- 50g butter, melted
- 500g mascarpone cheese (they usually come in 250g tubs, so get two of these)
- 40g icing sugar, sifted
- Finely grated zest and juice of two limes
Method

1. Mix together the crushed biscuits and melted butter (I also like to add a bit of sugar to my cheesecake bases to make them a bit jazzier) and press into the bottom of an 18cm (7inch) spring-sided or loose-bottomed cake tin.

2. Place the mascarpone cheese, icing sugar, lime zest and juice in a bowl and beat together. Spread this mixture over the biscuit base.

3. Put it in the fridge and chill for 30 min! That’s really it.

That’s the entire recipe. It’s basically spreading cheese on biscuits and it’s so simple that absolutelyanyone should be able to make it. And now we’re going to demonstrate that even people with no food preparation skills, knowledge or aptitude can follow this recipe. I’m going to hand you over to my writing partner: A man whose culinary education began and ended with learning how to boil water for tea: A man who – before he moved to Kent – was known as The Fulham Poisoner: A man whose litany of culinary disasters includes failing at defrosting a chicken and the hospitalisation of a flatmate*. He’s going to make a cheesecake himself and feed it to his fiancé Claire – a renowned and accomplished maker of cakes – who will judge it on appearance, texture and taste (should she survive). Here’s Jon.

“It was only when I was standing in the queue that I realised I had been well and truly duped. The idea of making a cheesecake and then eating it had originally sounded like a good idea, which is why I had agreed. Marc had, after all, said all it required was a spare half hour. In my book, that’s a fair exchange for cake. But as I stood there I realised it had already been twenty-five since I had left home and I hadn’t even purchased the ingredients. There was no way I could make a cheesecake in five minutes. Not there. And then I got to the till. Which is when I realised this idea was also going to cost me money. Just short of £5 in fact. That’s a lot to spend just to have something to write about. I couldn’t help but think if I had managed the past year and a half writing without having to pay for the privilege, why did this have to change? I trudged home.

Having spread the ingredients in front of me and read the recipe, I realised this was the exact same cheesecake that Claire makes. And she makes it very well. Brilliant. So I’ve had to walk all the way the shops, spend the best part of a fiver on ingredients and now I am challenging my future wife by making one of her specialities. Perturbed, I carried on. Twenty minutes later I was left staring at the following creation:

Making it was something of a doddle. What was not a doddle was the washing up. I don’t know how often you zest a lime, but cleaning the zesting part of the grater is quite possibly a harder job than watching England play cricket. Still, an hour later I was done. I also had lime poisoning from licking the bowl.

The next part of this project – and that is very much what it had become – was to get Claire to profer her opinion. These are the results of the Claire survey.

On Appearance: “That looks nice.”

On Texture: “It’s nice.”

On Taste: “That was very nice”.

So there we have it. I make nice cheesecakes. I am sure your Sunday just got a whole lot better with that news.”

*Which he denies.**

**Falsely.

***As Oxfam Books, Petergate York would (and actually did) tell you themselves, remember the whole point of this recipe is that it is a Fairtrade recipe. So help the global community during this Fairtrade Fortnight (and after) by buying Fairtrade goods as much as you can.
March 6, 2011
7 Reasons That a Cricket Bat is Preferable to a Baseball bat

Hmm. What’s the best bat to keep around the house, you’re probably wondering. Well, I have both, and it’s definitely the cricket bat. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Perception. When you stroll down your nice, quiet unremarkable street with a cricket bat tucked under your arm, you fit in. To passers-by and onlookers you are that nice chap (or chapess) from number 29 on his way to participate in a genteel and respectable game which involves a break for tea, and a lunch which perhaps involves a home-made cake or two on a picturesque village green somewhere.

2. Perception. When you stroll down your nice, quiet unremarkable street twirling a baseball bat you do not fit in. In fact, you are a harbinger of evil, bristling with menace and exuding undiluted violence. Suddenly, in a scene reminiscent of a cheap western, everything will become silent. Young women shield young children behind their voluminous skirts; old women scuttle away in terror; middle-aged women…er…er…(I’ve never even seen a middle-aged women in a cheap western, why is that?); men (of all ages) suddenly become incapable of eye contact, because there’s a madman with a baseball bat on the rampage. Never mind that in your other hand you’re carrying a mitt and a baseball because the people have seen the bat and the panic-stricken-nitwits have been rendered incapable of rational thought. They will blindly assume that you’re off to break someone’s kneecaps or smash a car’s door-mirrors. And that won’t help you get an invite to your next-door neighbour’s birthday party. It may, however, stop trick-or-treaters visiting.*

3. Certainty. Cricket bats, like some of the more successful and big-headed practitioners of the game itself, are doughty, resolute and they stay where you left them. If you put a baseball bat on the dining-room floor, however, it does not. The baseball bat is an inherently flighty creature and, like a hollow-headed flibbertigibbet, it will just disappear from where you left it, merrily rolling away without a care in the world. Eventually, of course, it will turn up, usually while you’re stumbling around in the dark or when your wife is entering the room carrying a glass of orange juice, a plate containing two cheese and real-ale-pickle sandwiches and an apple. Or something.

4. Arms-length. Ever had to pick something up that you really didn’t want to pick up? Something that you wanted to keep at further-than-arms-length? Something with many legs, perhaps, or with steam emanating from it. A cricket bat is ideal for such an eventuality owing to its flat blade. A baseball bat is not. In fact, there’s no way that you’ll be able to carry your friend’s pet “hamster” that you’re looking after or that god-awful smelling bowl of onion soup on a baseball bat.

5. Flour. I have never returned home to find my cricket bat covered in flour. I have, however, returned home to discover my baseball bat covered in flour on several occasions. And, as I’ve tucked into the pie that my wife has prepared for me, I’ve often thought, funny that. I didn’t leave it anywhere near the flour cupboard.**

6. Air-guitar. Try miming along to the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion or Led Zeppelin using a baseball bat and you’ll look like a pillock. Do it using a cricket bat and you’ll look like an eminently sensible and respectable chap (or chapess), suitable for a post in the foreign office, perhaps, or as a school governor. No matter how bad the music or the miming, if you use a cricket bat you’ll always maintain a thin veneer of respectability. Until you fall off the table.

7. Visitors. When you entertain foreign guests from non-cricketing nations in your house, a baseball bat is just a bat for baseball. A cricket bat, however, is a strange thing of wonder which they will enquire about. And fairly soon you’ll find yourself explaining – at length – to your blankly-incomprehending friends the finer points of the game of cricket. And they’ll love you for that. Really. And, after several hours talking about cricket, you may even find that they close their eyes in concentration as you explain the finer points of leg-spin.

*Topical top tip.

**The flour cupboard is not exclusively for flour. It contains other things such as; homemade blackberry vodka, homemade limoncello, half a packet of raisins, three packets of linguine, a jar of treacle that may or may not pre-date the Crimean war and a sake jug.

October 18, 2010
7 Reasons I Should Be Celebrated The World Over

Today I turn 27. I is Jon. Happy Birthday to me. Thanks. This very special day gives me a wonderful opportunity to indulge in a little piece of narcissism. Well, I say narcissism. It’s more a chance to try and make the world a better place.

Image Courtesy of Ceci Masters

1. Holiday. June 10th would automatically be made a public holiday. And just before you start thinking this could never happen, well it already has. In Portugal.

2. Statues. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so vain that I think there should be statues of me in every town, village and hamlet. But one in every 50sq miles sounds about right. The simple fact of the matter is that there are 6.2 billion people on this planet and I can’t get round to everyone. A statue does exactly what I do. Apart from get injured when someone takes exception to seeing me everyday and knocks my head off.

3. Italians. As this short film demonstrates, they need to sort their attitude out. I am hoping that if the rest of the world celebrate me then the Italians might join in. Voluntarily or otherwise.

4. Common Denominator. There is a lot of bad blood between a lot of people in this world. What the world needs now is love sweet love, but if we can’t get that we need something else. Something that ignores borders. Something that ignores beliefs. Something that ignores opinions. Something that ignores The French. Something that everyone can agree is beauty. Maybe then, with common ground, we can build a better world for our children. That something, is me.

5. I Do The Things That You Don’t Have To. For the most part of my life, I have been getting on and doing the jobs that otherwise you’d have to do. Trying to become an international athlete for instance. Or deciding that I could take on – and beat – Australians at every single sported ever invented. Or spending three years of my life searching for my friend’s look-alike – and then writing a book about it. Or planning to catch one hundred London buses in one night. If it wasn’t for me, you’d have had to do all that. You’d be the one who was a bit…erm…strange.

6. You Again. Have you sent me a Birthday card for today? The chances are you probably haven’t. But that’s not necessarily your fault. It may simply be a case that you don’t know me. If you don’t know me you can’t be expected to know when to start looking at Birthday cards. If I was celebrated all over the world though, you would know. Clinton Cards would put adverts up and stuff.*

7. 7 Reasons. If I was celebrated the whole world over, I wouldn’t have to spend ages, in the early hours my birthday, trying to think of a poxy seventh reason as to why you should celebrate me.

*If you do know me and you haven’t sent me a card, I would like to know why. Thanks.

June 10, 2010
7 Reasons The Birthday Tea Could Have Gone Better

1. The Present. Make sure you give it to your girlfriend before she goes to work. Otherwise you will spend all day worrying about whether she will like it or not. In this state of anxiety you may forget the more important things. Like taking your wallet to Sainsburys with you.

2. Balloons. These should not be blown up near cacti. Not only will it give you heart palpitations, you will also feel a massive prick.

3. Banners. It really helps if you notice before you get to the till that you have picked up a ‘Congratulations Birthday Boy!’ banner instead of, for example, a ‘Happy Birthday Girlfriend’ one.

4. Birthday Cake. No matter how sturdy the box looks, the cake really, really should not be placed at the bottom of your shopping bag. At an angle. Unless you want to lose the walnut topping that is.

5. Cocktail Sticks. There really is no point in buying them if you forget to buy something to put on them. And no, mini Gingerbread Men are not an adequate substitute for mini sausages.

6. Sandwiches. Generally, cucumber and cream-cheese sandwiches taste like they should when they have cucumber in them. Otherwise they just taste like cream-cheese sandwiches. It seems pretty obvious, but you’ll be amazed at the number of people who forget.

7. The Gingerbread Men. Don’t open them and have a couple at lunchtime just because you are hungry. It makes it look like you have decided to buy party food because you want to eat it and not because you think it will make your girlfriend smile.

*None of these are from personal experience. Or at least not all of them.

April 27, 2010
7 Reasons Not to Have a Dinner Party

1. The bad-egg. At any dinner party, at least one person will behave badly and annoy all of the other guests. It’s always a man. Often it’s me.

2. Multi-tasking. Women can multi-task – they demonstrate this by talking during films. This means that they approach both hosting and cooking for a dinner party with confidence, which makes it all the more tragic when your tearful hostess returns from the kitchen bearing a foul-smelling tray containing something black (possibly the charred remains of a flan) and a bowl of something green and unidentifiable (no idea). If you want to see a grown-woman cry, you don’t have to go to a dinner party. You can just hide her chocolate – which is a lot easier.

3. Candles. There are always candles on the table at dinner parties but no one knows why. I don’t want to singe my arm hair every time I pour some wine or pass the salt. Why would you want to put a fire on the table?

4. Wine. Guests always bring wine with them, and it’s always the wrong one – a Barolo when the main course is a delicate fish dish, or a New Zealand sauvignon blanc to go with lamb. Why can’t guests just do something useful and bring dessert with them? Or not come?

5. Cheesecake. A plain, unadorned cheesecake is one of the best desserts ever. I don’t want cheesecake made with Baileys, I don’t want cheesecake made with fruit, nor do I want cheesecake made with chocolate. What I would like is cheesecake made with cheese. And cake. Don’t tell me that I’m getting a cheesecake for dessert and then bring me something made with gooseberries and covered in sauce! Why can no one hosting a dinner party resist cocking up a cheesecake? Is it the law?

6. Children. I was brought up in a house that often hosted dinner parties – at least one a month – but I don’t think that my siblings or I even caught sight of one until we were eighteen years old. No one has ever successfully explained why children are banished from dinner parties to me. Is it because of the candles?

7. Restaurants. There are places where a group of people can sit around a table and eat wonderful food – made to a higher standard than they could manage themselves – they’re called restaurants. The diners don’t have to get up to fetch courses, drinks or cutlery and they don’t end up with candle-wax on their carpet. You can choose what you want to eat and drink rather than have your courses compromised by your friends bizarre and varied dietary requirements, children don’t have to be hidden – they can be taken with you or looked after by a babysitter – and you don’t have to wash-up afterwards. I sincerely hope they catch on.

March 15, 2010