Tag: 7 reasons

7 Reasons That the IKEA Plastis is the Ultimate Washing-Up Brush

The IKEA Plastis is amazing. It’s truly a thing of wonder. Here are seven reasons that it’s the ultimate washing-up brush.

1. It Creates Envy. The IKEA Plastis washing-up brush is capable of provoking great envy. I first saw one in a friend’s kitchen four years ago and, ignoring all of the more expensive and conventionally desirable objects that surrounded it (almost the entire Le Creuset range of pots and pans, a very swanky digital radio, a fully-tiled kitchen floor), I made a beeline straight for it. “This is amazing!”, I exclaimed, as I picked it up, wide-eyed, to examine it. “It’s a washing-up brush”, my friend replied, helpfully. “Yes, I can see that”, I said, “but it’s got a sucker on the bottom. It’s ingenious*.” And that was it. I had fallen in love with the simplicity and brilliance of the design. I wanted that washing-up brush more than I want a cat that can talk or the ability to levitate (which I would use mostly to surprise people in first-floor rooms). I had to have one.

2. It Creates Anticipation. “It’s from IKEA”, my friend said. “What! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” was my rational and measured response during which I adopted a posture worthy of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, but in a well-appointed Bolton kitchen. This may seem like an overreaction to the prospect of purchasing something from IKEA, but it really isn’t. Had the Plastis been available solely from the moon it would have been easier to get hold of. I live in the centre of a city. Because of this I choose not to own a car. This is because I live in the bit that most people drive to and I have no desire to visit the suburbs/industrial estates/retail parks/Frankie and Benny’s so I don’t need one. Public transport is also not a practical option when it comes to visiting our local IKEA and the Plastis isn’t available to order online (I checked. Weekly), so I had to wait four years until we required a sufficient quantity of shelving, lampshades, sideboards and other stuff in order to justify renting a car to get the Plastis. During that time I tried not to think of the brush every day**, but I thought about it a lot. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and, in the years that the brush was absent from my life, I grew very fond of it indeed. Perhaps too fond.

I stopped short of getting a tattoo of the Plastis.

3. It Makes Grown Men Jump For Joy. “There it is! There it is!” I exclaimed breathlessly to my wife while pointing to a display on the other side of a very large room in IKEA, before abandoning her and hurrying toward the stand of brushes. And there it was. Or, more excitingly, they were. There were loads of them, in several colours, standing upright in serried ranks on their suckers. There was an army of them. This is what it must be like to be The Queen during the trooping of the colour, I thought. After four, long years, I was finally about to get hold of a Plastis!. Obviously, I studied them all very carefully before selecting one and, while my wife was away playing with wardrobes, tape measures and shelving, I made my important decision. Though it wasn’t a very difficult one because…

4. The Plastis Comes In Red. This is important. As one of the rules of our kitchen (immediately after the rule that every time I paint the ceiling, something else will spring a leak and ruin it again) is that nothing goes in there unless it’s red. We have red pots, red pans, red blenders, red mug-stands, red radios, red everything. Josef Stalin and Ken Livingstone would get into our kitchen: Winston Churchill and Joseph McCarthy would not. Unless they’re any good at laying floor tiles (red), in which case, they’d be very welcome.

5. It’s Great Value. The IKEA Plastis is fantastic value priced, as it is, at £1.11. Not only does this mean that you can buy joy and fulfilment for less than the price of a cup of coffee, but – with its preponderance of 1s – should you wish to print this page out, it will be cheaper to do so as the number 1 uses less ink than any other number. Also, should you be near a superstitious type at this moment, the three ones will be causing them to say “Nelson!” and dance around, meaning that you get free entertainment too. Obviously, in our case, the fantastic value was slightly offset by having to buy a sideboard and rent a car to get one, but it’s still better value than paying council tax, which costs many times more and doesn’t make anyone happy.

6. It’s Even Better Value For Dishwasher-Owners. Because, as the people at IKEA will tell you, the Plastis is dishwasher-safe. Which means that you can wash your washing-up brush inside the dishwasher, which is great, because otherwise, if we didn’t have a dishwasher, we’d have to buy another washing-up brush to wash our washing-up brush with. So for dishwasher-owners, the cost of washing-up brush ownership is halved.***

7. It’s Got A Sucker. Obviously the best bit about the Plastis is the sucker, and since we got ours home I’ve been experimenting with it. I’ve stood it up on the draining board, I’ve stuck it to the wall, I’ve affixed it to the (red) biscuit tin and, best of all, I’ve stuck it to my forehead and chased the cat around the house pretending to be an alien (consequently, for the past two days I’ve had a large purple circle in the centre of my forehead which doesn’t look like it’s going away any time soon). There is literally nothing that can’t be improved by sticking a Plastis to it. Even people. The Plastis is awesome and one day, who knows, I might even use it to wash something up.

*I promise you, our conversations are usually far more interesting than this.

**Because that would be weird.

***Yes, I did use this argument in IKEA to justify purchasing the Plastis to my wife, who responded by using a technique that she has developed during our marriage called Smile & Nod.

January 27, 2011
7 Reasons That Goats Should Stare at Men
I’m sure we’re all familiar with the film, The Men Who Stare at Goats, which is based on the work of a secret psychic military unit. But in that film they’re doing it wrong. Men shouldn’t stare at goats. Goats should stare at men. It’s obvious. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Men Are More Interesting Than Goats. This it not universal, as anyone who’s ever seen the queue in a Homebase on a wet Thursday afternoon or viewed the bits between the sport on Sky Sports will testify, but generally, it is true. After all, men build things; men wage war; men get drunk; and fall over; men morris dance. Goats on the other hand, do not. Goats stand; goats chew; goats stand some more; goats sit down. That’s pretty much it as far as goats go. If you want to know how relatively interesting goats and men are, just look at the internet. The ratio of men to goats depicted online is 999999999999999999:1*. The evidence is overwhelming.

2. It’s Less Dangerous For Them Than Staring At Women. Anecdotal evidence suggests that, in the UK, you are more likely to be physically assaulted in a pub car park by an addled simpleton enquiring, “Are you staring at my bird?” than in any other circumstance.** And this is a scenario that goats are just fundamentally ill-equipped to deal with. Rather than diffusing the situation by calmly and rationally replying, “Yes, but in a curious, rather than a lecherous way. Is her skin naturally that orange? Did she apply her mascara with a spoon? Shouldn’t someone be holding her hair back while she’s vomiting?” a goat would just stand there, being a goat. If they stared at women, our pub car-parks and city centres would be full of hyper-aggressive drunkards punching goats every weekend to the soundtrack of “leave him Gary, he’s not worth it”. No one wants that, except Gary. And he’s an idiot.

3. Conscience. In the modern secular age, where our notion of an all-knowing God and right and wrong are becoming ever more confused and blurred, we all need a little help and guidance every now and again. And what better way to make men consider their actions than by having a goat stare at them. After all, there are many, many things that you might conceivably do when alone that you would not do when a goat was looking at you. These include:
- Picking things.
- Scratching things.
- Rubbing things.
- Pulling things.
- Poking things.
- Looking at things.
- Other stuff with things.
Could you look at pornography if a goat was staring at you? No. Could you pick the pocket of a nun if a goat were staring at you? No. Could you have sex with a goat if a goat were staring at you? No.*** If goats stared at us, we’d live better lives.

4. Time-Saving. If you’re a man you’re probably thinking, I won’t have time to look after a goat. I have important things to do, I have trains to look at and pants to file and whatnot. But you’d be wrong. Your staring-goat would actually save you time as you’d never, ever need to mow the lawn again. Nor, if you already do this, would you need to go and chew the local playing field for half an hour every day, your goat could do that for you too. Being stared at by a goat is like being given the gift of time.

5. Education. Goats will get something from the whole staring at men deal too. They’ll learn from us. After all, goats haven’t evolved or significantly changed their lifestyle since they first appeared on the planet (unless they evolved from geese, in which case, well done goats, do carry on). By staring at men, they might learn to do something other than standing in a field and staring at men. They might evolve to use tools, to walk upright, to tell time or even learn to read books, instead of eating them. Goats will benefit.

6. Responsibility. This is not universally the case, but many men lack a sense of responsibility and really only get one when fatherhood is thrust upon them. But being the keeper of a staring goat would engender that sense of responsibility. After all, there’s nothing like having to feed something, teach it right and wrong (not to butt the television except when East Enders is on, not to gore the cat with its horns etc) to make you realise that you have other things to think about than whether your shoes are a slightly different colour to each other, or whether the light on the floor varies significantly over the 15cm gap between them causing them to appear different…Nope, it’s the light. Right, where was I? Oh yes, and the ladies will love you when they see you tenderly strapping your goat into the back of the car before setting off on journeys. They’ll see you as potential breeding material, so you’ll be more sexually successful. Though you will have to perform with a goat staring at you, good luck with that.

7. Trains. Men – despite the Clint Eastwood/John Wayne/Buster Keaton strong, silent stereotypes – are gregarious social creatures for whom being alone can lead to loneliness, and that lack of socialization can in turn lead to eccentricity, outright weirdness and a penchant for trains. The company of a staring goat would prevent men becoming lonely and developing strange habits, which would eventually lead to the demise of trainspotting as a pastime. It would probably also lead to the end of model aeroplane building and World of Warcraft, so bring on the goats, I say. Oh, and please send my next-door neighbour his first, as the sounds of his model trains are audible in my loft at night. And they interfere with me cataloguing my button collection.****

*This figure is made up. I don’t have time to count the internet just to illustrate that men are represented there in a far larger number than goats.

**It’s interesting to note that no one, ever, in the history of drink-fuelled, envy-inspired, pub car-park assaults has commenced proceedings by uttering the phrase, “Are you staring at my fiancé?”

***It would be the wrong way round, for a start.

****This is untrue. I wrote it for comedic effect, please, please, please do not send us any correspondence about buttons. No buttons. No!
January 26, 2011
7 Reasons To Have A Pizza Express Tattoo

Now, I’m not really a fan of fantasy and sci-fi. Whether it be in book, TV or film format. Last week though, I caught my girlfriend watching one of those Twilight films. Eclipse I think it was. Given that the sofa faces the TV I ended up watching a bit of it. And what I saw was quite extraordinary. One of the main characters, Jacob, – who is not a person, but in fact a wolf – has a tattoo on his arm. A tattoo that looks very much like the Pizza Express logo. That was it then, I didn’t watch the rest of the film. I was too busy thinking how cool it would be to have a Pizza Express tattoo.

1. Memory. Many people get a tattoo to celebrate the life of someone who is no longer with us. In a similar vein, a Pizza Express logo is a nice tattoo to get if you wish to celebrate the life of that pizza. Maybe it disappeared due to natural causes (IE: it was eaten) or maybe it died a sudden death (IE: being burnt to a crisp in the oven). Either way, the tattoo will never let you forget.

2. Love. We’ve all seen people with the names of their loved ones tattooed across their body. They do it to express their never-ending deep affection for someone. You may feel the same way about someone you love. Or a Pizza Express pizza. But, if like me, you have deep affection for a variety of Pizza Express pizzas you may feel it disloyal to show your love for just one. In such a case, the best option would be to show your love for the entire brand.*

3. Originality. I am going to put myself out on a limb here and say that no one in the world has a Pizza Express tattoo. If you got one, you would be one of the first. You’d actually start a trend. We are well aware that we do have something of a reputation for not being taken seriously, but I can categorically state this is not the case. People take our posts very seriously. Since giving people 7 Reasons Not To Date A Polar Bear, no one in the world – that’s all six point three billion of us – has dated a Polar Bear. So people do listen. Later today people will be getting a Pizza Express tattoo. It’s up to you whether you want to be original or you want to go home and watch Eastenders. Choose the latter and you might just regret it.

4. Service. So, having decided to be original, you walk into a Pizza Express with the logo on your arm. You just watch as the staff jump into action. Anyone with a Pizza Express tattoo is free advertising for them. It would be naive and stupid not to treat you as a VIP. They want you to keep that tattoo for life. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting free Coca-Cola. And, if you fancy stealing a Peroni glass, do it.**

5. Service (Two). Just say though, you are more a deep-pan kind of person. Pizza Express, with their thin, crusty bases, wouldn’t satisfy the likes of you. You’d be more inclined to go across the road to Pizza Hut. Here you can have your pan deep and your crust stuffed with cheese. And, because the staff will be gutted to see you with a Pizza Express logo, they will go out of their way to treat you like a VIP. They will want to show you want you are missing. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting free Pepsi refills. They do that anyway. But do eat as much as you like. Just make sure you haven’t ordered the buffet. That kind of defeats the objective.

6. Mistaken Identity. If I mistakenly thought Jacob the Wolf’s tattoo was the Pizza Express logo, then it is very likely that a lot of teenage girls may mistake you for a wolf. So, if you like the idea of dozens of teenage girls yanking your tail, get a Pizza Express tattoo.

7. Reminder. Ironically, when you see the Pizza Express tattoo on your arm every day, you won’t think of Pizza Express, you’ll think of those idiots at 7 Reasons. The next thing you’ll do is log on to our website and read our latest post. No longer will you need to be on twitter or facebook to keep up with us.

*Understandably, there maybe something about Pizza Express that you don’t love. In my case it would be the dough balls. I just don’t see the point in them. In such a case I would have an asterisk placed next to the Pizza Express tattoo on my arm and then have a disclaimer on the lower part of my back to state that my love did not stretch to the dough balls.

**Disclaimer: You MUST have a Pizza Express tattoo to steal a Peroni glass otherwise 7 Reasons can take no responsibility for your actions.

January 25, 2011
7 Reasons The World Needs To Hear From Mrs Morris More

Last week I had the pleasure of catching the end of Rip Off Britain. It’s a show, as far as I could tell, in which Gloria Hunniford, Jennie Bond and Angela Rippon go around the country hearing stories of mass rip off. Despite thinking it should actually have been called Rippon’s Rip Off, the ten minutes I saw were some of the most enlightening minutes in my life. You see, Gloria had gone to visit a little old lady called Mrs. Morris. She was having problems with her phone package and needed help. (Mrs. Morris, not Gloria. Gloria’s got a great package. I expect). Anyway, having shared her woes with us, Mrs. Morris gave the humble viewer some advice. Well, I say ‘advice’, it was more a mantra to living. This is what she said. You can’t really argue with that can you. “If you are paying for broadband and you haven’t got it, don’t pay it.” Genius. Just genius. I’m not suggesting that we should try and make Mrs. Morris, Dame Morris, but I certainly think she should be given her own platform from which she can share her wise words with more of us. We need her in our lives. We need to hear from her more. Here’s why:

1. Love. Many people have been there. Not us, we’re clean. But other people. Other people have been there. They’ve been lonely. They’ve been horny. They’ve got on the phone and ordered a pizza and a prostitute. They’re vulnerable. These people need Mrs. Morris. They need Mrs. Morris telling them, “If you are paying for sex and they’ve finished before the hour’s up, don’t pay for it.”

2. Health. Getting fit always sounds like a good idea. You buy a new pair of trainers, you create a workout playlist, you sign-up to Nike+. Despite this though, nothing seems to be improving. And this is when you need Mrs. Morris telling you, “If you are paying for gym membership but you are getting fatter, actually go to the gym.”

3. Family. In this day and age you have to be very careful. There are some very weird people out there. If we had Mrs. Morris to listen to though – and we followed her advice – we’d be fine. “If someone knocks on the door and claims to be your Dad, make sure it is the same man you said ‘goodbye’ to earlier that day.”

4. Friends. Most of us had to suffer from ‘Mum jokes’ once or twice when we were at school. They weren’t big and they weren’t clever. Well, my friend’s mums weren’t. I don’t think anything annoyed me more than jokes about my mum. One friend in-particular used to make them on a constant basis. If Mrs. Morris had been there though, I could have thought about it rationally, “If your friend calls your mum a MILF, you’ll know your friend is a lesbian.” And she was. Probably still is.

5. Religion. One of the few things each and everyone of us have in common is that we have all been the recipients of an email from an African orphan. Some people ignore it, some people read it and ignore it, some people read it and reply for fun, some people read it and get their bank card out. It is really the latter that require the wisdom of Mrs. Morris, “If a Nigerian you have met on the internet says it is ‘God’s Will’ that you pay him an administrative fee so he can pay £10 Million into your account, make sure you keep copies of your emails.”

6. Politics. I’m not going to tell you which political party I used to canvas for – you can probably guess – but I copped a bit of abuse if I chose the wrong house door to knock on. It took me a year to realise that, while the abuse was tad harsh, what I was doing was bloody annoying. What the hell did it have to do with me who they wanted to vote for? So I stopped. I wish Mrs. Morris had been there though. Telling the unsuspecting bloke whose driveway I was marching up, “When this guy asks you who you are thinking about voting for, tell him you don’t watch Pop Idol and slam the door in his face.” It would have been much better for my morale.

7. Gardening. I can’t remember how many it is, but we lose many brain cells each day. Under such circumstances it is no wonder we forget things. We need Mrs. Morris to replace our brain cells. Reminding us to check things, “If you are paying for a gardener and you can’t remember if you have a garden, look out of your window.” That sort of thing. I once forgot I didn’t have a chair. I ended up lying across someone’s scampi and chips. Mrs. Morris could have prevented this. She really could.

January 24, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Hairy Chests Are Better Than Smooth

There is a saying that goes something like this, “Once you’ve written for 7 Reasons what else is there to do but write for them again?” In keeping with this message, today we welcome back to the 7 Reasons sofa, for his third appearance, Sam Murray. Having already told us to be wary when opening front doors and to wash our feet more often, today Sam covers a topic that is very close to our hearts. Assuming we haven’t waxed. Here’s Sam. (Or at least it will be when you have looked at a picture of a the stallion below).

Marc Survives The Yorkshire Cold Thanks To His Chest Rug

The question “are hairy chests better than hairless ones?” is as often debated as “what came first, the chicken or the egg?” Philosophers and historians still can’t provide a definite answer to whether a luxurious mass of chest hair screams sex on legs or Neanderthal, but scientists have known all along. Overwhelming scientific evidence and the fact that The HOFF has one points to one conclusion. Hairy chests are much better than hairless ones so if you haven’t got one, start growing one.

1. A Gold Medallion Looks Better With A Hairy Chest. It’s true. Try it. Everyone likes the occasional gold medallion or two but you’re bound to look stupid if you wear one without a hairy chest rug. Ask Gok or Trinny and Susannah. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

2. David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff Has One. That alone should be cause to end all discussions. The HOFF’s grass is always greener.

3. You Have Better Chances of Mating. That’s right. All you hairy males out there go forth and reproduce and with Charles Darwin in your corner your chat up lines will be irresistible. In his evolutionary thesis, Charles Darwin hypothesized that sexual selection, (competition within a species for mates to you and me) can explain observed differences between sexes in many species. The female species are often attracted to defining characteristics which Darwin referred to as ‘ornaments’. These include coloration, brighter plumage, and other features that have no immediate purpose for survival or combat. So, in essence, a hairy chest is a human ornament which acts solely to attract the opposite species. Darwin, you Romeo you.

4. A Hairy Chest Keeps You Warm In Winter. Since this post aims to be educational did you know body hair is an evolutionary adaptation to protect the body from extreme temperatures? You can’t argue with science, can you? One of the fundamental objectives of hair is to insulate and keep the body warm in the winter, but also to protect it from the sun in summer. Now who wouldn’t want some of this action hero stuff?

5. a = mc2 Although Testosterone = Real Man. Let’s be honest. Real men have hair. Primarily, testosterone is the male sex hormone and acts to separate and distinguish the two genders, it also has a direct impact on the amount of hair you have. The average adult male produces about 10 times more testosterone than an adult human female body so it is logical to put forward the equation more hair = more man. Research has shown that testosterone also has an impact on mental and physical energy and more importantly the higher your testosterone level, the more virile you are. Ladies form an orderly queue…

6. To Assist Olfactory Communication…(Of Course). I expect you was waiting for this one, well here it is. Yes, it is correct that the amount of hair you have on your body can affect how pungent your own unique smell is. Hair has a variety of functions and one of its main roles is to help olfactory communication (related to smell). One of the most important forms of human-to-human communication is through scent and our bodies release unique pheromones which generate a unique smell or scent to every individual. So in essence, having more hair helps you retain this unique smell which in turn will help others in sensing and responding to you…. making hairier people more memorable and better looking, ok I made that last one up.

7. I Have A Hairy Chest. I am not going to put forward the case for opposition now am I?

This article was written in association with The Rug House. The Rug House sell a large range of high quality rugs including large rugs and washable rugs across the UK and Ireland.

January 22, 2011
7 Reasons To Give Someone A Hug

Did you know it was National Hug Day today? If you are reading this in the USA then you probably did. It’s quite big over there apparently. In the UK though, it has failed to catch on. In many ways 7 Reasons are indicative of this sad situation. We are more the high-fiving kind than the hugging variety. Today that changes though. Today we hug. And you should too. Here’s why:

1. Tactical. You’re waiting for a tube, a train or a bus. And you’re not alone. There are dozens and dozens of others doing exactly them same. So many in fact that there is no way you are all going to get on. There is no way you are hanging about for another thirty minutes for the next one though, so you need a plan. What will get you on that tube, train or bus ahead of everyone else? Save for a machete, it’s hugging. If you start hugging everyone in that queue their urge to get on that next tube, train or bus will begin to diminish. So much so that they’ll be very happy to let you get on and then wait in the pouring rain. Just in case hugging is only the start.

2. Approach. We’ve all been in the position of seeing someone we quite like the look of. Someone we’d like to say hello to. Someone we’d like to become friends with. Maybe more than friends if you are particularly horny. But one thing always stops us. We aren’t quite sure what to say. While ‘Hello’ always sounds like a promising opening, if you can’t back it up with something else you are opening yourself up to look like a lemon. You wish that they would just come over and talk to you. That would be fine. The problem is, they are full of the same doubts that you are. They don’t really know what to say either. Which is why you both walk on, never to see each other again. It’s an opportunity missed. If this sounds like you, you need to bring out the hug. The next time you see someone you like, just walk up to them and hug them. If they don’t respond, step away and look shocked, “Oh my goodness!” you exclaim, “I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else.” They’ll understand. If they do respond though, just keep that hug going. No talking will ever be required.

3. Annoy Uncle Marc. If you know one thing about Uncle Marc it’s that he doesn’t want a hug. He doesn’t want a hug from you and he certainly doesn’t want a hug from your children. He especially doesn’t want a hug from the child that just spilled milk all down her t-shirt and then pooed on the living room floor. Get that child to hug him. His face will be priceless.

4. Warmth. It’s easily done. You are walking along the banks of an icy river when a swan starts attacking you. In your scramble to fight back you end up in the icy waters. In a bid to avoid death and pneumonia, you make it back onto dry land. Keeping your freezing and soaking wet clothes on will do you no favours, so you quickly strip and protect your dignity with a swan’s wing. You then go in search of warmth. Bodily warmth. Fifty yards ahead you spy a man and woman out for a walk. Naked, you run towards them. They are too startled by the sight to move out of your way, leaving you to jump into their arms and regain that much needed heat.

5. Strength. What better way to show small children that you’re far more powerful than they are than to give them a bear-hug? And, as you wrap you powerful, grown-up arms around them and squeeze the very air from their lungs, they’ll be really impressed. Then they’ll file it away in their memory and return the favour when you’re an old man which, as no one ever wants to hug an old man, will be a welcome event for you. Even if it does lead to your first incontinent episode.

6. Surprise. Rather unfortunately you have just bumped into the side of someone’s Mercedes. It’s not all your fault, the brake on your skateboard fell off before you reached the top of the hill. There’s still damage though. To the car. And your Sony MiniDisc. The driver looks furious. He’s getting out of the car and his moustache is quivering with rage. You have a choice. A) Skate away leaving him and the pieces of your Sony MiniDisc on the floor. B) Apologize profusely, saying you’ll pay for the damage. C) Simply give him a big old squeeze. The chances are he’ll be expecting you to do either of the first two, so by hugging him you momentarily disarm him. Once this is done, you can apologize or skate away. Whichever it is, he’ll be standing in the middle of the road wondering what the hell just happened. By the time he has realized, you’ll be hugging some other bloke half a mile down the road.

7. Fun. I was once told that I hug like a murderer as I favour the one-handed hug (leaving my left hand free). Obviously, at 7 Reasons (.org) we’re not going to encourage you to use your free hand to stab the person that you’re hugging. That would be wrong* and potentially hazardous to you, should you be foolish enough to use a knife with too long a blade. At least you’d die in someone else’s arms though. But no, what you should use your free hand for is to affix a note to their back saying “I stole this coat from orphans” or “Please kiss me”. That’s the sort of thing that makes hugging worthwhile and rewarding. Who wants a hug?

*Not to mention the consternation that it would cause our legal representatives.

January 21, 2011
7 Reasons That the Hot Toddy is THE Winter Drink

The hot toddy is the winter drink. Here are seven reasons why.

1. They’re Warming. Hot toddies are hot. The winter is cold. Therefore, when you arrive home after any time outdoors, you are probably cold. Given that the temperature differential between the toddy and your body* is going to be quite substantial, the taking of the toddy will be beneficial to your body temperature and innate sense of wellbeing.

2. They’re Medicinal. Given that it’s winter, you’re probably suffering from some sort of cold/flu/sniffle/sinus-block-green-stuff-induced-torpor. The hot toddy contains cloves, which help you breathe more easily (if you embed them in the lemon properly). If you don’t, you may accidentally get one caught in your throat and choke to death. Still, fear of imminent death makes drinking a hot toddy far more interesting than drinking a cup of tea.

3. They’re Convenient. Don’t have the necessary ingredients for a hot toddy to hand? Well, firstly, sack your housekeeper. Secondly, relax. The hot toddy recipe isn’t some hideously rigid formula that must be adhered to, it’s more a rough guide to creating your own drink: Hot toddy making is an art rather than a science. If you don’t have any whisky handy, you can use pretty much any other dark or oak-aged spirit; whiskey, brandy, grappa, rum are all acceptable (individually, don’t go mad) and bring a different flavour to proceedings. You can also – should you find that you’re out of honey – substitute dark sugar, syrup or treacle. My favourite alternative is maple syrup, which is from Canada, where they have weird canoes and they milk trees.

4. They’re Healthy. Most hot toddy recipes suggest that you use a slice of lemon. They are wrong. If you use a quarter of a lemon and squeeze it before putting it in the mug (squeezing the juice into the mug, obviously, don’t just dribble it over the worktop or onto a passing cat) the toddy is much better. Firstly it uses up a greater quantity of lemon – which is always desirable – and secondly, it puts more lemon juice into the drinker. Not only does this give you vitamin C, it probably counts as one of your recommended five portions of fruit and vegetables per day so, disregarding clove-choking incidents, you’ll be healthier too and may live for ever.***

5. They’re Even Healthier. One of the things you need to do to fight those wintry ailments is to make sure your blood sugar levels are high. This will give you the energy you need to carry on regardless/lie down and complain that you are dying (delete as appropriate, based on sex). This is why they give ill people Lucozade, and this is why you should drink a hot toddy, either preventative or medicinal. That and they don’t taste of Lucozade.

6. They’re Even More Convenient. You might be thinking that the last thing you want to be doing is messing about with spirits, cloves and lemons every time you want a hot drink, but the good news is that you don’t have to. Because you can pre-make your hot toddies. Just put all the ingredients, minus the hot water, into a mug and put it in the fridge (in our kitchen, we have a walk-in refrigerator that we call “the kitchen”). You can put as many as you want in there. You might also consider adding a note that says “in case of emergency, add boiling water, stir, bring upstairs to me” or some such. Your partner/housemates/parents/children/pets/imaginary friend will doubtless appreciate that.

7. They Taste Good. I seem to have forgotten to mention that they taste bloody marvellous. Plus, the flavour is so strong, that even with a cold, it is still apparent. And they smell so nice that other people will follow you around the house as you drink one and attempt to steal it, despite having declined your kind offer of one only ten minutes previously. That always happens.

*Don’t panic, I know it rhymes. I shan’t attempt to turn that line into the start of a song.**

**Well, I’ll try to resist it.

***If you fail to live for ever after switching to the hot toddy as your winter drink of choice, feel free to email your complaint to us.

As a special bonus, here’s the recipe:

Some whisky: Maybe a little bit more. A tiny bit more. Oh, fuck it, another splash won’t hurt me.

Two teaspoons of honey.

A quarter of a lemon (squeezed, if you are at all health-conscious)

Some cloves (4-8). Embed them in the lemon or you will die.

Hot water.

Combine all the ingredients in a mug, then fill with hot water and stir. Remove teaspoon. Drink.

(You can also add a cinnamon stick if you like cinnamon or sticks).

January 20, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Ignore The Elephant In The Room

Come on, hands up. How many of you have noticed an elephant in the room and then just turned the other cheek? Be honest. Well that was very risky of you. Don’t you know the dangers? In keeping with tradition, here are seven, yes seven, reasons why ignoring it was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Just wrong.

1. Love. If an elephant has entered your room there are a number of possibilities as to why. Maybe they’re lost? Maybe you’re lost (and elephant’s trunk)? Maybe they’re bored of the savanna and now want to live in Bolton? Whichever it is, ignoring them is not the way to go. The chances are they will be nervous, afraid and sceptical of their new surroundings, so the least you can do is make them feel loved and welcome.

2. Damage. Elephants are big lumps of meat and probably not too dexterous when it comes to tight spaces. As a result you need to watch it like a hawk. If you so much as glance back at facebook you could find yourself losing that impending insurance claim. If the elephant treads on the coffee table and the TV and the wife, but you’ve been too busy poking some fifteen year-old on the internet to notice, well, it’s just going to be your word against the elephants. And people just don’t beat elephants. At anything.

3. Water. This will affect those of you who have a water meter more than those who just pay for the buffet ‘all you can use’ service. Elephants like water. Sometimes they like spraying it at clowns, but for the most part they like drinking it and washing themselves with it. Unlike the bush, your home probably has water on tap. If that elephant gets anywhere near your kitchen you are going to be consolidating your debts quicker than you can say ‘Accident Help Line’.

4. Sticky Buns. I have no idea whether elephants and their carnal desires towards sticky buns is in fact a truth or merely a myth. The last place I want to discover if it is the former however, is in my lounge. As a result the elephant shall not move from my line of vision. And if you don’t want an elephant sucking on your weekly pleasure, I suggest you do the same.

5. Mates. Don’t be so naive as to think the elephant is alone. Chances are, half his/her pride are waiting outside while he/she checks out places to stay for the night. Perhaps they are headed to Scotland for the Elephant Polo World Championships? But don’t think about heading off to the study to research this on Wikipedia, because if you disappear for evne just a split-second Babar and his mates will be flying through that hole in the wall and making them selves comfy on the sawdust. Or the sofa as it was known earlier that day.

6. Hunters. Sadly, you are not the only endangered species here. It is quite possible that the elephant is hiding at yours because some git is after his/her tusks. I can’t believe for a minute that you are pro-elephant hunting, so you won’t let it back on the street, will you? Instead you must protect it. And protecting it means keeping an eye on it at all times. If you let it wander off to the kitchen alone the hunter will see his opportunity. He won’t waste a moment. Before you know it he will have popped his weapon through the cat flap and fired off rapidly. You’d need more than a Kleenex to clear up that mess.

7. Comfort. Or lack of it. The elephant in the room is glaring. The elephant in the room makes everyone uncomfortable. The elephant in the room is a hindrance to achievement. The elephant in the room scares the cat. The elephant in the room keeps squashing unused lemons into the carpet. It’s getting ridiculous. It’s time to stop ignoring it. You must deal with the elephant now. Right now. It’ll be for the best. We promise.

January 19, 2011
7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

1. They’re Memorable. Wait. What. Huh? Never mind people remembering where they were when they heard that Kennedy had been shot by Lee Harvey Oswald/spooks on the grassy knoll/a Wisconsin bear hunter’s epic and unfortunate ricochet. Never mind people remembering where they were when Diana had been killed in a traffic accident/sinister Prince Philip-backed plot/returning of his angel to heaven by Jesus. Those events have now been overshadowed by our own epoch-defining memorable moment. Henceforth, we will all remember where we were when we heard the rumour that Darren Bent was leaving Sunderland for Aston Villa for £18 million.

2. They’re Shocking. ”Eighteen million pounds!”, I exclaimed as I spat my morning espresso at my laptop. “Darren Bent!”. “Eighteen million pounds!”. And suddenly my previously sleeping cat appeared by my side, staring at me, with a curious expression on his face and his ears pricked. And then it dawned on me. The shock of the news had caused me to say “Eighteen million pounds” in a voice so high that it shocked my cat. A voice so high that out of the two of us, only he could hear it. A voice so high that Keith Richards on the seventh day of a bender in an opium den would have to gaze upward to see it. Using a telescope.

3. They’re Incomprehensible. After a bit of a lie down, during which my voice fell back down to Earth from the upper ionosphere and my cat got on with some urgent dozing, I tried to digest the news. Nope. It doesn’t compute. There is nothing about this news that isn’t baffling and incomprehensible, and I’m married to a woman and live in Yorkshire, so I’m one of the world’s foremost authorities on baffling and incomprehensible.

4. The Money. Eighteen million pounds, to be exact (I may have already mentioned this). Now eighteen million pounds isn’t what it used to be. Time was when eighteen million pounds could probably buy you a Premier League winning squad, but those days are gone and with Manchester City paying silly money for every world-class player out there, transfer fees are currently sky-high. But Darren Bent isn’t a world-class player, and Man City aren’t trying to buy him (they already have Jo) so how in all the name of all that is holy can anyone justify paying eighteen million pounds for Darren Bent? Darren Bent! He was overpriced at sixteen and a half million when he signed for Spurs four years ago and he looked a better player back then with more potential. How is he one and a half million pounds better now? We’ve all seen the sitter he famously missed against Portsmouth and yes, Sandra Redknapp could have scored it. With her eyes closed. How can a club that didn’t back its previous manager with transfer funds at the start of the season now justify spending eighteen million pounds now. On Darren Bent? Rafael van der Vaart has been the best signing in the Premier League this season and he only cost eight million. Is Darren Bent ten better than van der Vaart? Really?

5. It’s Aston Villa. Last season, a move to Villa would have looked like a step-up for Darren Bent. But this season Steve Bruce has got Sunderland playing fantastic football (except against Newcastle) and they’re an improving squad in the hunt to get European football next year. And Darren Bent is an integral part of the first team. Villa, on the other hand, are hovering alarmingly above the relegation zone and are fielding a team half full of old men and children every match; it’s a bit like the home team in Berlin in 1945, except that they’re managed by Gerard Houllier. Why would anyone want to change to that side?

Is this a logical move?

6. It’s Greedy. The only thing that can possibly be motivating this move from the top of the Premier League to the bottom is money. It can’t be to improve his game by working with Houllier and it doesn’t seem likely that he wants to return to the Championship, so it must be solely for the money. But it’s not as if he’s earning a pauper’s wage, he’s a Premier League football player! How much more money can he possibly need? There can’t have been avarice on this scale since…well, okay…it happens every day, but outside of banking and parliament, there can’t have been such a naked example of greed since the dawn of time. Or perhaps earlier.

7. Breaking News. As I’ve been writing this the fee has changed. Now it’s twenty four million pounds! It’s gone up. Now he’s three times better than van der Vaart. In fact, Fernando Torres only cost Liverpool twenty million. So Darren Bent is now better than Fernando Torres. I give up! This can’t be real, I’m just going to assume that it’s all some sort of strange dream and hope that when I wake up this whole story isn’t here. There’s no place like home…There’s no place like home…

January 18, 2011
7 Reasons To Stone The Crows

1. Farmers. I have never been a farmer, lacking as I do the necessary sheepdog and accompanying whistle. I imagine, though, it must be tough work. Tiring work. Frustrating work. Especially if you have ploughed your field and sowed the seed only to see a flock of crows engulf the scene. It’s at this point when you have a choice. Allow them to eat your livelihood or revert to the stones. Whichever you choose, you also need to invest in a better scarecrow. *

2. Rivalry. If you live in the city of Adelaide, Australia, you may well support Port Adelaide Football Club in the AFL. In doing so you immediately have a rival. They are across town and are called the Adelaide Crows. You may take exception to defeat at the hands of your nemesis and wish to take matters into your own hands. To, you know, bring some pride back to your end of town.*

3. Attack. Picture the scene. You are walking along the street, minding your own business, when an armoured vehicle rocks up next to you with crows on its roof. And when I say crows, I mean a Common Remotely Operated Weapon Station. You know, one of those things that you can mount a machine gun on and then operate from the comfort and security of the driver’s seat. If this happens you need to get prepared. If he starts firing you need to use whatever means you can to fight back. And chucking stones at the crows might be your only hope. Good luck.*

4. Words. The collective noun for crows is a murder and, if we take that as some sort of corrupted historical instruction, we should be killing them. Now, shooting them would probably be the best way to do this but, as most of the 7 Reasons readership is based in the UK, there probably aren’t that many gun-owners among us. This would leave us furiously hurling bullets at them (which would be expensive) or desperately searching for alternate methods of killing them. Though they live in trees and rope is in plentiful supply from chandlers all around our island nation, hanging them isn’t practical as crows can defy gravity. Basically they’d just flutter about for a bit then fly back to the branch we’d hanged them from so, in essence, we’d just be tying crows to trees. Where they live anyway. This really leaves stoning as the only viable option.

5. Australia. In Australia, where the phrase stone the crows is said to have originated – or should that be aboriginated – the crows eat lambs. That’s right, lambs. Now I haven’t been too close to Australian lambs, but they seem like quite sizeable creatures to me. And frankly, if I lived in an upside-down land where large black birds were capable of swooping up from the sky below me and killing animals that are the size of human babies (which apparently have enough to fear from dingoes over there as it is), I’d be ready to stone them too. Or I’d go even further and rock them. What’s more, being English, my throws would have a better chance of hitting them than the natives’ efforts.***

6. Do The Right Thing. Crows are the proper animal to stone. I – before I corrected a spelling mistake – spent an earlier paragraph exhorting you, the reader, to stone the cows. But cows are definitely not an animal that you should be stoning. They’re large – surprisingly fast – and would probably become quite cross if you were to hurl stones at them. Not to mention the possibility of being shot by a furious and ruddy-faced farmer. Stoning cows is wrong. Stoning crows is right.

7. Kia-Ora. Remember the Kia-Ora advert where crows impersonate a hobo-child’s dog to relieve him of his Kia-Ora, despite his protestations that it’s too orangey for them? You’ll know if you’ve seen it, the music will still be reverberating round your head over twenty-five years later ready to surface when you least expect it to. Or want it to. Which is never.

Enjoy!

And now we all probably want to stone the crows.

*7 Reasons would like to point out that we do not condone the stoning of crows whether they be real crows, the Adelaide Crows or the Common Remotely Operated Weapon Station.**

**No, on second thoughts, fuck them. Stone away.

***We can probably keep this up until the next Ashes series in 2013.

January 17, 2011