Tag: 7 reasons

7 Reasons That I’ve Been Baffled By Something That Isn’t A Doormat

“What do you think?” My wife enquired, prompting the man-klaxon to sound in my head. Alarmed by the…er…alarm, I took heed. The warning message of the man-klaxon was clear. It was telling me that under no circumstance should I say anything. Nor should I make any noise at all. It would also be prudent not to make any facial expression or move my hands, in case that could be interpreted as a gesture. Then she handed me this:

What is it?

1. What Is It? “What the buggery-bollocks is this?!” I didn’t say, thanks to the man-klaxon. What is this thing? I’ve seen many things before, but nothing that resembles this. It’s large and square at one end and tapers to a point at the other, could it be a mouse?

2. Technology Was Baffled Too. Breaking one of the rules of the man-klaxon, I feigned interest by means of a slight facial expression and pulled out my phone to photograph it, hoping that this would demonstrate some enthusiasm for the wonky mouse. What I was actually doing was using Google Goggles, a handy app that, if you photograph anything in the world, will tell you what it is. It didn’t know. Google Goggles was boggled. Bugger.

3. What Does It Do? Having been failed by the internet, it dawned on me that I was on my own. Why do babies never wake up screaming when you want them to? I was going to have to work it out by myself. Having failed to ascertain what the thing was by trying to interpret its form, I attempted to identify its function. The most functional looking part of it was a button on the front. But the button wouldn’t unbutton. It was just sewn on with nothing to attach it to. Perhaps it was an eye. Was this some sort of weird fish? A sea monster? Why would my wife make a sea monster? I couldn’t recall her bemoaning our lack of a sea monster at any point recently, so it seemed unlikely that she’d just make one on the spur of the moment.

4. What Does It Mean? There was a strange symbol in the middle, so I decided to concentrate on that. It clearly wasn’t a swastika, which was good (though if it had been second world war-related I would have fared far better at identifying it), but what was it? It looked like a snowflake, but the other thing that you may notice about it is that it is green. There’s a wise old saying that warns people never to eat yellow snow. It goes something like this: “Never eat yellow snow”. Well surely green snow must be even more fearsome than yellow snow! How the hell do you get green snow? What’s in that?!

5. Wait! A snowflake! A green snowflake and the majority of the thing’s red. Red and Green! Red and green should never be seen! It’s a Christmas thing! The only time of year that anyone with eyes would conceivably use red and green at the same time. It’s a Christmas…er…um…pencil?

6. A New Approach. Trying to work out what this thing was wasn’t going well. After all, I’d been regarding the seasonal pointy thing for ten minutes and my lack of any sort of response to her question might – if left for many more minutes – have raised suspicion. I decided to try another approach to working out what it was. An approach that I usually reserve for dire emergencies. I decided to try talking. “What the buggery-bollocks is this?!” I asked.

7. It’s A What?! The response was surprising. After my wife had struck me several times with the (surprisingly hard) Christmas thing, she blurted out, “It’s a house!” She then turned the object ninety degrees to the right. And that’s what it is. It’s obvious, really. It’s one of those traditional tree decorations, a Christmas house. Because no Christmas is ever complete without a Christmas house on the tree. It’s clearly the house of a person that lives in a Cath Kidston designed traffic cone, but it’s a house nonetheless. A Christmas house. For the tree.

Aaarrrrggghhhh!!!!

There’s only eleven weeks to go, so don’t forget to get your Christmas houses ready. I know I’ll be enjoying mine. In the shed, probably.*

*Note to self: Must build shed.

October 10, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Recycle Your Old CDs

Accessing music via your computer is now faster, easier and often cheaper than going to the shops and buying good old fashioned CDs. MP3 players and mobile-phones have combined to make your CD collection utterly redundant. But instead of chucking them, why not do a bit of recycling instead? Yes, that’s right. Recycle your CDs. Here are seven reasons why you should consider doing just that.

Why you gotta recycle that compact disc? Because we want to! Because we want to!

1. Because You Can. When you bought that copy of Definitely Maybe back in ’94, the guy in the record shop probably didn’t tell you it was recyclable. But he should have done. Because it is. Almost 100% recyclable in fact. Probably slightly less if it’s something by Westlife, but recyclable none the less.

2. Logic. When you’ve finished your bottle of wine, do you stack it in the corner of the lounge with all the others? No, of course you don’t. When are you ever going to use forty-two empty bottles? Instead you pop them in the boot of the car and take them to the recycle bank. CDs are exactly the same. Are you actually going to listen to your collection of Now That’s What I Call Music CDs? You know, that collection you started when you thought it would be fun to try and buy every single version that came out – only you gave up in 1996 when they became tribute albums to Status Quo. Get rid of them. But, don’t trash that trash, do something useful and recycle.

3. Spread The Music. Assuming you’re not one of those emo-kids – and you don’t look like one – the chances are you won’t have scratched the back of your CDs in a moment of wallowing self pity. As a result they can be used again. By someone else. So give other people the chance to hear some great music. As strange as it may sound, someone, somewhere would just love to get their hands on your Showaddywaddy.

4. Damage Limitation. But what, I hear you ask, do I do if I am into that ‘scratching-CDs-with-a-blunt-compasses’ lark. Do not fear. Most CDs have scuffs or scratches that can be repaired, so you should be fine. If you’ve snapped them in half though and tried to repair them with a bit of tape, it’s probably a no go. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes there can be too much Phil Collins in the world.

5. The Flying Lizards. What better reason to recycle than to make yourself some money. The Flying Lizards didn’t sing about it, but online CD recycling sites such as Music Magpie allow you to trade in your unwanted CDs and get some money in return. With the extra cash in your pocket, you can always invest in some new music. If you’re really clever you could buy a CD, listen to it and then sell it. And then the process starts all over again.

6. Mr Nice Guy. Of course, you could show you have a caring side. Recycling your old CDs can benefit some great causes. Rather than simply pocketing the money you raise from recycling, you can send it straight to any number of very needy charity organisations. Which would be far more helpful to them than taking your Billie Piper CD to the local charity shop.

7. Piles. Of course, the main reason we should all recycle our unwanted CDs is the environment. Sadly, over 2,500 tonnes of CDs are thrown away each year, needlessly filling up waste landfills around the world. Quite frankly this country is in enough of a mess already. We don’t need piles of Cliff Richard adding to it.

So, don’t waste another minute staring at that redundant CD rack. Sites in the UK and sites abroad like Music Magpie Germany will allow you to recycle your old CDs in return for some extra cash in your pocket to spend on that new download you’ve been previewing or perhaps in helping a local charity.

October 9, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Women Are Better Poker Players Than Men

I know what you’re thinking: you haven’t seen too many members of the fairer sex sitting at the winner’s table on the World Series of Poker Championship. In fact, a woman has never won (or even been the runner up). So how can women be better poker players and not get in on the biggest event of the year? In truth, there simply aren’t that many women out there playing poker in general, much less competing at the elite level. As James Brown aptly stated, this is a man’s world, and even if women were inclined to break in (which few are) they might find themselves the subject of scoffing, ridicule, and derision, making it more than a bit uncomfortable to continue. This statement also seems to hold true even with real time gaming casinos that you can see and play on the internet. However, if a women understood the many ways in which they hold all the cards when it comes to hijacking a game, they might be more interested in hitting the tables. Here are a few reasons to drop the dishrag and get to the casino.

1. Anatomy. The feminine wiles are built to beguile, and when it comes to playing poker you need to use every asset to your advantage. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go beyond the boundaries of decency, but there’s no law against flaunting what you’ve got in order to distract and befuddle your male opponents.

2. Emotions. Men generally expect women to be emotional basket-cases and you can definitely create a strategy based on this misconception. While most men try to put up a stone-cold façade when they play poker, you can easily mess with their game by running the gamut of emotions. Not only will they have trouble reading you, but you can use this trick to conceal tells, upset the balance of the game, and keep your opponents guessing at what your wild mood swings might signal.

3. Sexism. Men don’t expect women to be able to compete at poker simply because it is a male-dominated field. They will try to bully you out of the game by acting superior and using aggressive betting tactics. But don’t let them get you riled. Instead, be patient and let them overextend – then go in for the kill!

4. Multitasking. Believe it or not, juggling the demands of a job and a household has made you eminently qualified to play poker. If you can load children and groceries into the car while brokering a business deal over the phone, you can certainly weigh the odds on your hand while searching for opponent tells and bluffing until you can get the cards you need. Can a man do that? Send your husband to the grocery store for eggs and milk and watch him come home with £70 worth of junk that the children talked him into (but no eggs or milk). Yeah, you get the idea.

5. Reading People. Any mum can tell when her children are lying, and since most men are like overgrown boys, you can definitely use this skill to unseat opponents at the poker table. If you’re not a mum, never fear; you’ve probably spent enough time fending off male attention to know when a man is trying to sell you a line of bull.

6. Snap Decisions. Indecision is a luxury most women cannot afford. With a multitude of tasks to accomplish each and every day, it’s important to prioritise and trust one’s intuition. This skill is invaluable to a poker player.

7. Research. This isn’t like dice or roulette games, in which everything is more or less left up to chance; poker is a thinking game, so the more you know, the better your odds of winning. Women have a tendency to approach situations from a place of knowledge, meaning they will research a new topic to death. This only means that you will have an edge over even more advanced male players, many of whom mistakenly believe they have reached a point where they know it all. With ongoing research and practice you can prove them all wrong!

October 8, 2011
7 Reasons To Celebrate Leif Ericson

In two days time the population of the USA will gather together and celebrate the life of Leif Ericson. Or at least those of whom who have recently been on wikipedia shall. October 9th is Leif Ericson Day. Now Leif, for those of you not in the know, was a Norse explorer. And there are many reasons he should be celebrated. Not just in the USA, but the world over. Here are just seven.

1. Columbus Mark I. While history tells us that is was the Genoese (Italian) Christopher Columbus who first discovered America, Sir Alan Sugar’s newest Apprentice Tom Pellereau will tell us that it was the British Columbus. And that he liked his pies. Both, though, are wrong. It was actually Leif Ericson who first set foot in was is now commonly known as Newfoundland some 500 years before. Only he didn’t really mention it too much and so no one really went to settle there. Apart from his sister. Who was killed by Indians. Basically, thanks to Leif, the world is 500 years behind where it could have been.

2. Father. Of all the fathers you could have, Eric The Red probably isn’t the one you would choose. He looked like Mick Hucknell in a helmet. And Leif had to live with that. For a short time.

3. Second Father. Who knows, perhaps Leif did call his father ‘Eric The Simply Red’. Something must have happened because when Leif reached the age of eight he was packed off to live with another man. That’s kind of weird. Even in today’s liberal society. So one can only applaud Leif for sticking it out for four years. Though, it must be stressed, that could just be a myth. Perhaps he didn’t have to stick it out at all. Either way, as we’ll discover later on, it had no effect on his sexual orientation.

4. Achievement. Most sixteen year old boys these days are locked in their rooms playing Call Of Duty or spending a little quality time with a copy of the M&S lingerie catalogue. Leif didn’t have such luxuries so he went out and found his own entertainment. Including capturing polar bears. Now, we’ve discussed the issues with regards to dating a polar bear in a previous post. And that was based on the assumption that you were going to be nothing but hospitable to the creature. So one can only conclude that capturing a polar bear increases those issues one-hundred fold. Still, he did it and he made a name for himself. Not a bad feat for the son of a ginger.

5. Lad. As previously indicated, Leif was not affected by his four year living arrangement with a strange old man and he came out of that house as hetrasexual as when he entered. In fact, he was a bit of a lad. On the first voyage that he captained, he was forced to land in the Hebrides. It was the Ibiza of the day. No sooner had he dropped anchor, he had also dropped his trousers. In front of the Lord’s daughter, Thorgunna. I don’t wish to sound vulgar here, but they had sex for a month. And they only stopped for lunch. Not that surprisingly Thorgunna – who had thawed Leif’s gun for the final time – announced she was pregnant. Leif then legged it back to his ship and set sail. You are probably questioning why we should be celebrating this? As you should. It’s deplorable behaviour. Well the thing is Thorgunna gave birth to a son, Thorgils. And when he was old enough he went to seek out Leif and Leif accepted him as his son. Which, for a viking who had by that time discovered grapes, set a fine example we would all do well to follow.

6. Nature. We seldom have days when we sit down and celebrate leaves. And that’s a little bit wrong. There are many shapes and colours out there and yet we take them for granted. Bemoaning their appearance all over the garden in autumn and their lack of visibility in winter. Now I am not proposing that we suddenly start celebrating leaves. How can you? It would be fake. What I suggest we do is celebrate the nearest thing to it. Leif. Then we can build up to a Maple or something. I don’t know really. In was just a thought. And I’m writing this before I think.

7. Vessel. Yes, Leif Ericson has a ferry named after him! The MV Leif Ericson cruises the route between North Sydney and Port aux Basques. (That’s the North Sydney in Canada obviously). I think this must be the one and only time a ferry has been named after someone that the vast majority of the world’s six billion either haven’t heard of or are completely apathetic towards. Let’s change this. He’s got a day and a ferry behind him, now he needs the world.

October 7, 2011
7 Reasons That I’ve Been Baffled By A Doormat

Okay, I’ve been really confused. I’ve had a tricky problem that’s been plaguing me for the past two days that I think I’ve finally solved but it’s been quite a journey. It all started with a new arrival*. A doormat. I bought it to go inside the front door in the 3’ x 3’ space that, if I were grand, I’d refer to as my entrance hall or vestibule. As it is, I’ve really never referred to that space before, I just know it as the-area-behind-the-front-door or occasionally the-area-in-front-of-the-world. Anyway, I digress. Below these words and above some more is a picture of the doormat. Here are seven reasons that it’s been baffling me.

1. Perspective. Yesterday morning, I pulled the mat from its bag and strode to the front door. I had blithely supposed that I would be able to place the doormat inside the door and walk away to do something else. Something important. Something interesting. But as I went to place the mat on the floor I felt troubled. The problem was that the mat has a picture on it. That means that it’s no mere utilitarian home accessory. It’s also art. Not high-art, admittedly. It’s not Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa or Klimpt’s Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer I, which is fortunate as they probably wouldn’t fare well hanging on the floor in my hallway, and I would probably soon tire of the tourists. But it’s still art. And art’s there to be contemplated and enjoyed, to enhance an environment and provide stimulation for those that inhabit the same space. Essentially, in this case, I realised that when I looked at the owls, I wanted them not to be upside down.

2. But That Would Be Unwelcoming. Surely the doormat should face outward. To welcome guests. To make a nice first impression. What would we be saying by having the mat face inward? That we’re selfish people that want the owls the right way up for ourselves and care not a whit for the feelings of others? That would make us appear distinctly unwelcoming. You can’t greet people with upside down owls. It’s a question of doormat etiquette. Doormatiquette.

3. But! Does an outward facing mat welcome guests though? Because when the guests come into the house – and they sometimes do, we’re sociable people that don’t bite – the owls would be upside down. So then everybody would be looking at the owls the wrong way up. Both guests and residents. No one would win.

4. Furthermore! Having an outward facing mat would send another message. An unwelcoming message. And that message is Stop! Come no further. Being in the house is an anti climax. Beyond this point, the owls are upside down. If you stay outside it’s better. These people have put this thing here to make sure you stand on their doorstep and come no further. I was beginning to realise that placing a doormat was more complicated than I thought it was going to be.

5. A Compromise? Okay, so there was no way I could have the doormat facing inward or outward. But could I compromise? Turning the doormat sideways would seem to be a fair thing to do, but wait?! A sideways doormat! That would be weird. If someone opened a front door to you and their doormat was sideways you’d think they were barmy. You’d assume that they were a gibbering harebrain that spent their nights pointing at the moon and their days pointing at the space the moon had been the previous night, pausing only to laugh hysterically at bicycles. Have you ever been in the house of anyone with a sideways doormat? No. Of course not. People that have been in the houses of people with sideways doormats are probably still there tied down in the cellar or imprisoned in the shed, being forced to eat balloons and comb a jelly or some equally bizarre and hideous fate. The sideways doormat compromise was out.

6. Brainstorming. By this point, I realised I needed help**. I decided to ask Twitter. Carrying the doormat over to the computer, I tweeted my dilemma. With help from @kittyQ, @davidofyork, @kateypotatey, @jonesyinc1 and @amazingzeesh (all lovely tweeters) I brainstormed the problem. It was difficult and there was no real consensus. The nearest we got to a solution was @kateypotatey’s idea of hanging the doormat on the wall and putting it down facing outward only when anyone knocked on the door. But that raised a further problem. What would we do when the guests came in? Wait for them to cross the threshold and then hang the doormat up on the wall? That would make us look odd. Not sideways-doormat-odd, but still a teensy bit weird. And if we didn’t hang it back on the wall we’d all be looking at upside down owls again. Unless I turned the mat to face inward after they came in but that would appear strange too. And what if more guests arrived while existing guests were there? What if we had a party? Should my wife be responsible for making drinks and handing out nibbles while I take charge of rotating the doormat and greeting people? That doesn’t sound like much of a party to me. Or a picnic. The capacity for it all to go horribly wrong would be endless. I felt dizzy just thinking about it. I decided to sleep on it.

7. And Sleep Helped. This morning, when I woke I had an idea. I walked downstairs and turned the doormat upside down. The doormat would be ostensibly plain and no one would get to see the owls, but I would be able to peek at them whenever I liked. We’d have secret owls. But that felt ungenerous and it bothered me for most of the day. This evening, however, I did solve the problem. What I need to do is position the mat picture side up, facing outwards, and to convince myself and everyone that comes into the house that it’s a picture of three owls standing on their heads. I also need to make them forget that I’ve convinced them of that when they leave. What I need is a live-in hypnotist. Anyone know one?

*Cue angry mob.

**And I sense that many people might agree with me.

October 4, 2011
7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

The other month, Worthing did something that it had never done before. It appealed to me. Or, to be more precise, the Worthing International Birdman Competition appealed to me. Lots of muppets chucking themselves off Worthing pier. Brilliant. I doubt they needed persuading, but if you have ever considered being a Birdman, here are seven compelling reasons why you should definitely do it.

1. The Horn. We’re all a little bit kinky at heart. We probably won’t admit it – which is why I’m admitting it on your behalf – but the idea of spandex and lycra is not all too alien to us. Opportunities to wear such attire rarely show themselves however, which is why being a Birdman is the perfect excuse. You could be Superman or Bananaman or Robin or a Dominatrix. You get a cheap thrill and no one bats an eye lid. Perfect.

2. Funding. If you went up to your friends and said, “I’m dressing up as Peter Pan, can I have a fiver?” you’d probably get laughed out of the room. Well, pushed anyway. Saying that you’re doing if for charity though and they’ll be far quicker to the cash point. Of course you’re not going to give it to charity, you’re just funding your unemployment habit.

3. Cred. R Kelly’s masterpiece I Believe I Can Fly is often cited as being thoroughly whimsical. No one really believes they can fly. Not even me after half a Peroni. Being a Birdman, though, gives this song new credibility. So, if you don’t want to be a Birdman so you can throw yourself off a pier, do it for Robert Sylvester.

4. Impress. Why was Superman so popular with the ladies? It wasn’t his glasses. Or his ability to stalk Lois Lane. It was because he could fly. And perhaps because he could protect you against just about anything that wasn’t within close proximity of a green, shiny rock. Mainly though, it was because he could fly. So, if there is someone out there you want to impress – and your 1995 Premier League Sticker Album is failing to do the magic – be a Birdman. (As for why Superman was so popular with the men. Well that comes down to Teri Hatcher. Superman managed to marry her, James Bond managed to get her killed. Muppet.).

5. Punishment. Maybe you’ve let yourself down. Perhaps you dropped a catch. Perhaps you shouted at your Mum. If you are not a Roman Catholic you gave not ask for forgiveness, so go and be a Birdman. A poor Birdman though. It is your duty to simply belly flop off the pier. That is your comeuppance. And if it doesn’t hurt, do it again. And again. And again. Only when you have tears in your eyes and at least one broken rib can you stop.

6. Film. There is little debate that Birdman Of Alcatraz is a good film, but, let’s be honest, while it contained a lot of stuff about sparrows, there was very little of Burt Lancaster disguising himself as a sparrow and trying to escape. I know it was based on a true story, but had John Frankenheimer never heard of artistic license? Should you prove yourself to be a good Birdman there is a very real possibility that you might find yourself cast alongside Simon Bird, Russell Crowe and Ethan Hawke in Birdman Of Alcatraz 2: Feathered Creatures.

7. Men Can Be Birds Too. I once knew a bloke called Kieran. I say ‘once knew’ because I don’t know him anymore. Sadly, he’s no longer with us. It’s okay, he’s not dead. He’s now a woman called Cynthia. Now, changing sex is not my kind of thing, but it’s what he/she wanted to do and I can only commend him/her on his/her decision to go through with it. I only wish that there had been a Birdman competition while he was contemplating the procedure. That way he could have experienced being a bird without the great expense. Still, he’s got boobs to play with now so I expect she’s happy.

October 3, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In The UK

Forget the Costa del Sol, it’s time to embrace Costa del Brighton. For too long, too many people have ignored the UK as a holiday destination. Why they have done so remains a complete mystery, but it’s time for a change. Here are just seven reasons you should ignore those foreign places and keep it British.

1. Active Pursuits. Our changeable and unreliable weather is the butt of many jokes, but let’s be honest, not everyone wants to lounge around on a beach in 30+ degree heat every day. Especially when you have a German eyeing up your sun lounger. All too often, when you go abroad you just end up sitting on the beach or by the pool in an attempt to keep cool. This is fine if doing nothing is what you had in mind, but if you want to be active and explore your surroundings, this can be quite limiting. There’s only so long you can go on a tour of the hotel reception before it gets a bit same-y. So take a look at a UK holiday; you may be surprised at the wealth of activities on offer. You might not have noticed, but we even have one or two beautiful, award winning beaches of our own.

2. Dizzy Heights. If you are one of the many people who don’t like flying, jetting off on a foreign holiday may very well be your idea of hell. Wherever you are in the UK, you are never far from a superb tourist destination. Coastal cottages in the West Country, in the south or in the Scottish Highlands allow you to get away from the stresses of home life without having to travel for hours upon hours.

3. Greenery. Holidaying in the UK is greener. And we don’t mean just the grass: consider your carbon foot print. It is estimated that the vast number of commercial flights each year are pumping 600 million tonnes of carbon dioxide directly into the atmosphere. By around 2020, air travel is expected to be the single biggest contributor to global warming. Basically, what we’re saying is, if you don’t go on holiday in the UK, you are killing your grandchildren.

4. When Is A Bargain A Rip-Off? You may have noticed that, financially speaking, times are hard in the UK at the moment. Air travel can be expensive but you will also need to take into account the exchange rate. It is no good bagging a bargain abroad if you find that everything is so expensive that you can’t go out. You’ll have to stay in your room and watch Sky News all day.

5. All In The Chalet Together. Holidaying here in the UK and spending your hard earned cash in our towns and cities is good for our economy. In 2010, David Cameron suggested that the UK has been drastically underselling itself as a tourist destination. At a conference in London, Mr Cameron urged more Brits to holiday in the UK, emphasising that tourism is “one of the best and fastest ways of generating the jobs we need so badly in this country”. And, just for the sake of political balance, Ed Miliband has just this week said he had a lovely time in Liverpool – bar the power cuts. So there we go. Agreement across the political spectrum.

6. Familiarity Breeds Content. Familiarity can be an important factor for those wishing to stay in the UK. If you enjoy good old English meat and two veg, an English fry up for breakfast, the occasional fish and chip supper or a battered Mars bar, then you can’t go far wrong here.

7. Sprechen Sie The Lingo. Unless you’re going to Glasgow, there will be no need for a phrase book every time you want to buy something or order in a restaurant. So for something truly British, look at one of the many coastal cottages available throughout the UK at Sykes Cottages.

If you usually holiday abroad but you are considering staying the UK for a change or for one of the reasons above, then you may very well find yourself surprised. The UK has so many stunning destinations. With a little research you should be able to find the perfect place and you may very well end up wondering why you’ve been bothering to go abroad every year.

October 2, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Insulate Your Home

Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by John Morris – a freelance writer and journalist. He is a DIY enthusiastic and often writes on wide range of home & garden related topics.

Ice House by bill791

Insulating your home has so many ‘no-brainer’ advantages; there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. From cutting your energy bills to saving the planet, here are seven solid reasons you should get to work insulating your home.

1. Keep Cosy. Let’s kick off with the most obvious: insulating your home keeps you warm. It might sound straightforward, but if you live in a temperate or cold climate, there’s nothing sure to make you feel more miserable in winter than when you feel as cold inside, as it looks outside. It’s not all about spending money either. A bit of basic draught proofing can cost nothing, yet make a huge difference, making your house feel much cosier. And there are literally hundreds of easy, low effort ways to insulate and draught proof your home, from placing homemade draught eliminators in front of doors to a bit of DIY loft insulation using bubble-wrap, cardboard boxes and a staplegun. Many of the easiest ways to get the heat in and the cold out cost nothing!

2. Money! Money! Money! There are few greater motivators than hard cash. With the way energy prices are going at the moment, by insulating your home, you will end up paying a lot less to your energy supplier. Current estimates suggest, depending on how ‘extreme’ your insulating strategy is, you can easily save 20% on your annual energy bills and perhaps as much as a third if you’re willing to spend a little extra at the outset. Gas, electricity and oil prices are only going one way – up – so it’s worth bearing in mind that every time your provider increases their prices, you end up saving even more. It’s also worth considering stashing the money you save into a high interest savings account to fund further energy saving technology, such as solar panels, that can massively reduce your bills in the future.

3. Do Your Bit For The Environment. Up to a half of all the energy used in the average home are for heat and hot water. Which is why cutting down on the amount of energy you use is good for your carbon footprint. Even if you use a ‘green’ energy provider, you’re still responsible for releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. Climate change affects everyone on the planet, and if you have children, you’ll certainly be interested in protecting planet Earth for future generations. Take the first step on your road to a greener future by insulating your home.

4. Stay Cool. What many people don’t realise is that by insulating your home to keep warmth in during the winter, you also stay cool in summer. That’s because, if you use air conditioning during the summer months, insulating your home keeps heat out. So if you’re lucky enough to live in a region that’s prone to hot weather during the summer months, you can reduce the amount of energy you use then too. It’s a win-win situation – insulating your home can save you money all year round.

5. Looking After Your Investment. Your home is probably the most expensive thing you’ll ever buy. It’s also your biggest investment for the future. By making sure it’s properly insulated, you can dramatically increase the value of your property. As every estate agent knows, professionally insulated properties sell much faster and for more cash than those that aren’t. After all, what would you prefer to buy – a house that’s cold and expensive to heat or a similar property that’s cosy and cheap to run? Exactly!

6. Noise Elimination. Everyone knows that insulating your home keeps the cold out, but it also keeps another unwanted element out – noise! Wall and loft insulation, as well as double-glazing, is just as effective at keeping noise out all year round as it is at keeping the heat in your home during the winter. What’s more, if you’re an aspiring drummer, it keeps the noise in, so it could keep your neighbours happy too.

7. Feel Better. If you suffer from allergies, using natural methods to regulate the temperature in your home, such as insulating to keep heat in and opening windows to let it out can prevent the growth of certain allergens, such as microbes and spores. So by insulating your home properly, you’ll be better off in terms of health and wellbeing too.

October 1, 2011
7 Reasons That I Was Wrong About Children

Hello! Marc here. I have a confession to make. I’ve been really wrong for a long time about something really fundamental. When I was growing up, my stepfather would tell me that it “takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong”. Usually before admitting he was wrong. Well I’ve been very, very wrong. Wrong enough to make me a giant. Because I used to think that having a child would be among the worst things that could happen to anyone. But now that I’ve been the owner of a child for the past six months (he turned half last Saturday) I realise that it isn’t. In fact, having a child is bloody amazing. Here are seven reasons that I was wrong about children.

1. It’s Not Difficult. I used to imagine that being a parent was hard, but it isn’t. When you have a child, you’ll soon discover that you’re playing all the time. It’s amazing fun and it’s not at all difficult to do (in fact, it’s child’s play). Everything you do in your life with your child is a fun game. Teaching them to eat; teaching them to walk; introducing them to new colours and textures; changing a nappy, everything – however mundane – is a wondrous and fascinating experience for them, which makes it an intensely rewarding experience for you. Earlier today, my son and I spent half an hour banging on a window from opposite sides at each other. Half an hour! It was great.

2. It Doesn’t Age You. I previously thought that having a child was an experience that must surely prematurely age people as a result of the lack of sleep and the heavy burden of responsibility. But it turns out that the opposite is true. Spending most of your life with a creature to whom everything is new and exciting is a liberation. It’s an opportunity to view anything and everything without the burden of your own experiences and prejudices. It’s like seeing everything through a new pair of eyes. If anything, I would have to say that fatherhood has made me feel and act younger. Impossible as it may seem to anyone that knows me, I believe that having a child has made me more childlike than I was before.

3. Having Children Isn’t A Serious Business. I used to think that having a baby around wouldn’t be much fun, but it is. And even when babies aren’t being very entertaining, you can still have fun with them. Earlier today, my wife left our (not yet mobile) son unattended in the living room for thirty seconds, so I snuck in and moved him to the other side of his play-mat. “He’s moved!” She shrieked as she returned to the room while I dissolved into a fit of the giggles. Once she realised that this was not the case, she laughed too. Having a child around just makes our lives more fun. It’s made us more fun people.

4. Having Children Is A Very Social Business. I used to believe that having a child would hamper my social life: That a child would have a similar effect on my social life to the one that the iceberg had on the progress of the Titanic. But I was wrong. Because we didn’t know many of our neighbours before, but now we know almost all of them. And their many children. We share toys, baby accessories and childhood diseases with them and our children go to play-group together. If anything, our social life has been improved by having a child. It turns out that he’s not an iceberg, he’s an ice-breaker.

5. Having Children Makes You Less Selfish. I used to believe that having children would make me more selfish. That I would resent the intrusion that a child would make on my time and would guard it jealously. But it turns out that the opposite is true. When I went to bed at 2am last Saturday morning and my son saw me and decided that he wanted to play, I didn’t mind a bit. We played for two hours and it was great fun. Then I put him into his cot and he rolled around and barked like a dog for a bit. My wife and I just lay there listening to him and laughing. I had to be up at 7am to climb a mountain. Did I mind the unexpected impingement on my time and the weariness the next day? Not a bit.

6. Having A Child Does Not Make You Housebound. I used to think that having a child would mean that I’d get to go out less. But the opposite has happened. I’m out all the time! Weather permitting, we take our son to the park every day. I’ve spent more time in parks in the last six months than I had in my entire life before we had a child. I pretty much live in the park; I’m almost a part-time tramp. As my son and I were playing on our mat the other day, a woman came up to us and said “It’s so nice to see a father spending time playing with his son.” I smiled and told her that it was no chore. And it wasn’t. I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather have been or anything I’d rather have been doing than playing with my son in the park at that moment. I’m always out these days.

7. Children Do Not Make Everything Messy. I used to dread the effect that a child would have on the interior of my house. I thought that all of the gaudily-coloured accessories and accoutrements that are needed for children would clutter up my house and make it a (more) horrid place to be. But they’ve improved it. We’ve got owls on the walls and windmills in the garden. In fact, we’ve got owls everywhere. But I like owls. Now I get to buy really fun and interesting things to decorate the house with instead of sobre and tasteful grown-up stuff. Our house is much nicer now and we’ve got a crocodile on the upstairs landing! Who wouldn’t want one of those?!

September 30, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Have An Argument With A Cactus

As anyone who has ever crossed an inanimate object will know, you can rarely win. And as for a cactus, well you can never win. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. It’s like a rule.

1. Pain. Let’s start with the basics. Cacti hurt. Get physical with one and it’ll prick you, get verbal with it and it will blank you. A cactus is indestructible. You can never win.

2. Madness. If you do decide to persist with the Steve Waugh mental disintegration tactic you will go mad. It won’t snap. It won’t wilt under the pressure. It will just stand there, Rahul Dravid-like, and make you look like a complete numb nuts. Your only option will be to out live every single person on the planet. Only that way will people never know that you lost the one-sided argument. You can never win.

3. Arnie. No, this is not a strange fact about Arnold Schwarzenger and his collection of cacti. It is simply a philosophy shared by both a cactus and the Terminator. It’ll be back. Always. You can attack it with a saw, try and drown it in molten aluminium, urinate on it, whatever. The simple truth is that it will always come back. It’ll grow again. It’ll break out of its metal shell. It’ll thrive in your urea. The cacti will never die. You can never win.

4. Terminator 2. Say you do take a junior hacksaw to it – or a pair of jeans falls down from where they are hanging, knocks the cactus off the table and causes the impact with the floor to snap it in half – not only will the cactus regrow, you’ll then have to deal with the cactus owner. And if the owner received the cactus from her grandparents some ten years ago and has been growing it without any problems since, you may just wish you were arguing with a cactus at the Chelsea Flower Show. You can never win.

5. Appearances. As anyone who has met Marc can testify, the image of him on the 7 Reasons sofa defies just how big his feet actually are. In other words, appearances can be deceptive. The small, furry looking cacti may look small and furry, but they’re not. They’re like packs of Persil. Small, but mighty. You can never win.

6. Keep Your Friends Close, But Your Enemies Closer. As demonstrated above, some cacti have friends. It is clear what has happened here. Some bright spark has thought about taking a cactus out with their car. (As in they tried to destroy it with their car, not they were taking it for a ride down to the local shops). Big mistake! Suddenly, out of no where, he’s surround by dozens of FOCers (that’s Friends Of Cacti). One sets you on fire and the other uproots said cactus and runs after you determined to turn you into a porcupine. You can never win.

7. Be Cruel To Be Kind. In my experience, arguing with the cactus did little to help me but did an immense amount of good for the cactus. All it needed was for the cactus owner to see me growling at the thing and a small watering-can was thrust into my hand. “If you’re going to stand there all day then you can water it. And when you’ve finished that you can do the others.” See, you can never win.

September 29, 2011