7 Reasons You Should Never Tickle A Penguin
The other week this video was uploaded to YouTube. It is a hand tickling a penguin. We wish to advise viewers of a nervous disposition that the film contains disturbing sights and sounds.*
I know what you are thinking. Absolutely shocking! This is an outrage! A penguin should never be tickled! We quite agree. There are a whole host of reasons why. But this is a look at the first seven:
1. Pain. You may think that is the sound of a penguin laughing. If you do, you’d be wrong. That is the sound of a penguin screaming. How cruel. I expect penguin ticklers such as the owner of the arm in this video also put live crabs and in boiling water and laugh when the crab starts whistling. It’s not whistling! It’s screaming. That’s why you should always bash its skull in before dropping it in the water. Much more humane. I would never advocate smashing a penguin’s skull in, but at least it’s quicker than tickling it to death.
2. Urine. Usually, when someone starts tickling me, I feel the need to visit the bathroom and relieve my bladder. This is most inconvenient, especially when I am on the bus. I know I’m not the only one. When that fruitcake went around tickling everyone on the number 14 there was a mad dash to get off at the next stop. If a penguin had been on the bus I dare say he too would have needed to hop off. So, if you don’t want a penguin to wee on your hand, don’t tickle him. Or her.
3. Fight. A penguin could slap you to eternity. And when you get to eternity it’ll keep slapping you. Those flippers aren’t just for swimming you know. Well, no, you probably don’t know. Unless you’ve tickled a penguin.
4. Sex. Apparently, tickling can be used as a foreplay technique. To be honest tickling myself has never done anything for me so I have never bothered. But for those of you who do find a good tickle pleasurable before practicing the art of baby making, what are you going to do if the penguin tickling gets you a bit horny? Are you going to be able to stop yourself? Having sex with penguin – with or without consent – is not just wrong in the eyes of 7 Reasons you know. It’s wrong in the eyes of the NSPCA too. And quite frankly, even if it was legal, having sex with a penguin in someone’s eyes is just a tad inconsiderate.
5. Emperors. Once you’ve tickled a penguin it’s very had to justify stopping. Are you just going to tickle baby penguins? Or female penguins? Or penguins in a zoo that you can tickle with Ken Dodd’s tickling stick? Where do you draw the line? Personally I would have drawn it at least thirty miles before Ken Dodd’s tickling stick came into view, but I’m not a penguin tickler. What would you do, for instance, if you were faced with an emperor penguin? Would you tickle it? An emperor? An emperor, let me remind you, is a monarch. A sovereign ruler. If I was to tickle the Queen I wouldn’t get away with it. If you tickle an emperor penguin, neither will you.
6. Role Reversal. Anyone who seems to think that tickling a penguin will entertain it seems to be forgetting something. A penguin is supposed to entertain you. By telling you a rubbish joke. Something along the lines of, ‘Why don’t you see penguins in Britain? Because they are afraid of Wales!’ That sort of thing. You then get to eat it. Tickling a penguin would make you look weird. And you might scratch all the chocolate off.
7. Psychedelia. That’s right. What happens if you end up trying to tickle the 7 Reasons psychedelic penguin? Or indeed a psychedelic penguin not related to 7 Reasons at all. I don’t know. I’ve read the first six reasons and so I know not to tickle a penguin. As a result I can only guess. I think it probably includes hallucinations though. Hallucinations that feature giant penguins trying to tickle you. That doesn’t sound good to me. So my advice is don’t go there. Keep sane and leave the psychedelic penguins alone.
Right, I think that’s everything. As you were. Without the penguin.
*Not really. It’s actually quite cute.**
**Don’t read this until you have read the whole post. It sort of undermines our reasoning.