7 Reasons That The Pope SHOULD Sing With The Queen.
As you’re probably aware, a recent Foreign Office brainstorming session came up with a number of ideas for the upcoming papal visit. These included suggestions that the Pope: open an abortion clinic; release a range of branded condoms; bless a gay marriage; spend the night in a council flat in Bradford, and duet with the Queen. We thought about it for a bit, and decided that the Pope duetting with the Queen would be brilliant. In fact, we’d like to take the Foreign Office idea further and suggest that they put on a regal/papal concert for us during the visit. That would surely go a long way to helping Anglo-Vato(?) (Anglo-Popo?) relations. Anyway, here are 7 Reasons that the Pope should sing with the Queen.
1. Restate existing views (in song). Bohemian Rhapsody would be perfect for the concert; after all, it’s already a Queen song. The Queen can sing the main vocal and the Pope can be the chorus of scary inquisitors (this shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for him, as he disagreed with the apology to Galileo that Pope John-Paul II made almost 400 years after the event). Singing Bohemian Rhapsody would allow him to restate his position on the Inquisition in a light-hearted way which wouldn’t make him seem wholly un-loveable. Or perhaps it would. We suppose that depends on whether you see the Inquisition as a good or a bad thing. Hmmm.
2. Apology. The F.O. document also stated that the Pope should apologise for the Spanish Armada. We don’t know why he should apologise, but we haven’t had one from anyone yet, so why not? A rendition of Rod Stewart’s Sailing, with slightly altered lyrics, would tell the story of the Armada and would enable the Pope to apologise to the current Queen Elizabeth (how appropriate). Obviously Nick Drake’s dead, but Francis Rossi could probably earn himself a knighthood by accompanying the pontiff on guitar. We imagine the Pope’s verse would go like this:
I am sorry, I am sorry,
For the Spaniards, from the sea.
I am sorry, I’m so sorry,
I’ll denounce bullfights, immediately.
3. The Church of England. We’re pretty sure that we blotted our copybook a bit with the English Reformation, so it’s important to reassure the Pope that we’re not a godless nation. The Queen will do this during the concert by singing, as a hymn to God, a specially adapted Olivia Newton-John song re-titled Popelessly Devoted To You.
4. Levity. Obviously, the regal/papal concert won’t all be gloom and diplomacy and the Queen will provide some light-relief by putting on her best Dick Van Dyke accent and singing this song about Vatican life from the musical, Mary Poppins:
Chim chim cher-oo.
Your smoke it is white
And your Pope, he is new.
5. Reconciliation. The current hullabaloo about the Foreign Office suggestions for the papal visit can only damage relations (which have never been great) between the British monarchy and the papacy. What better way to reconcile the Queen and the Pope than to have decorated war hero, Prince Phillip, join the Queen and former member of the Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI, in a song? That can only go well.
6. Equality. When our heads of state meet, the Pope will probably feel a little like a poor relation. After all, the Queen (okay, she’s only 245th on the Sunday Times Rich List) is the head of a country with a long and glorious history, while the Pope’s the head of the Vatican – which is a few buildings in the middle of Rome. So it’s important that the Queen makes the pontiff – and his state (population 800) – feel important. To this end, she will lead the audience in a rousing – though brief – rendition of Land Of Pope And Glory.
7. Scandal. The paedophilia scandal in the US has rocked the Catholic church. The Pope, however, doesn’t seem to be aware of it. During the concert the Pope can attempt to explain his unawareness by singing an updated version of the Jimi Hendrix song, Papal Haze. The Pope and The Queen will also duet on the song Summer Nights, from the musical Grease. They will be backed by choirboys, who will exhort The Pope to “Tell me more, tell me more”, as he sings a new verse about the scandal in the US. Also during the song, they will inquire of The Queen:
Tell me more, tell me more,
Like does he have a car.
Tell me more, tell me more,
Why’s his handbag on fire?
Depending on how well the Pope’s new verses go they might also enquire as to whether his pants are on fire.
We haven’t finalised the set-list for the concert yet, so if there’s a song that you would like to see the Queen and the Pope sing, please let us know via the comments section.