Tag: Writing

Guest Post: 7 Reasons My Wife Buys The Best Presents

Just supposing, for instance, that this was the last Guest Post we ever published. Who would you like it to be written by? I suspect at least 26% of you would choose Richard O’Hagan. Like Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best who posted last week and Liz Gregory who posted a few weeks ago, Richard is a 7 Reasons stalwart. He’s the author of The Memory Blog, the face behind @theskiver and he likes marmite. That, we think, is all you need to know.

Crisps!

It recently came to my attention that there are people out there who make a career of going shopping for other people. Now, personally, I cannot think of anything worse than going shopping for other people. I mean, going shopping for myself is stressful enough. Going shopping for presents doubly so. Why on earth would you want to make a career out of it*?

Fortunately**, I am married to a woman who also hates shopping. Which therefore makes it even more surprising that she is the best present buyer ever. I don’t just mean by comparison with me, either, because I am completely rubbish at it (one year I gave her a cheese grater as a gift). Just consider this: The People Who Buy Presents For Other People need you to give them some sort of a list, so that they know roughly what to get. I have a wish list on Amazon – two of them, in fact – and my wife almost never uses it. Instead, she uses her initiative to come up with wonderful gifts such as this:

1. A Box of Seabrook’s Tomato Ketchup Crisps. My life is an endless quest for ketchup flavoured crisps, and has been ever since I first tried them on our honeymoon. Since when I have rarely seen them in the shops, not even in the USA where, frankly, you’d expect the locals to be munching them down for breakfast lunch and dinner. It had never occurred to me to simply see if you could buy them off the internet, but my wife did.

2. A Cross Pen. No, not an angry writing implement. I once commented to my wife that my Tombo fountain pen seemed to be nearing the end of its life. I then thought no more of it until, approximately three months later, I received a beautiful Cross pen as a Christmas present. A pen of such high quality that I’ve had to learn how to write with it. And I didn’t even ask for it.

3. A Book About Scriptwriting. For almost two years now (or over two years, depending upon when this gets published) I have been labouring over a script for a television comedy. It is very hard to get a script commissioned if you are not either an established writer, or related to one, or both. It hadn’t even occurred to me that there are books that I could consult about the subject, but this one now nestles in my bedside cabinet where I can dip into it whenever I want. So far, it has been invaluable.

4. A Letter Opener. I don’t get much mail, and most of what I do get is either bills that I have already received online and magazines that I subscribe to. But every now and then I get a proper letter, in a proper envelope, and I need to open it. My fingers are not only large, but they are often in a state of mangledness after a close encounter with a cricket ball or a rugby boot. I have always wanted a letter opener and was therefore extremely pleased when my wife gave me one as a Christmas present, even though I still cannot recall mentioning to her that I wanted one.

5. Marmite Spoons. That’s right, spoons for scooping the yummy delight that it Marmite out of the jar and onto your bread, toast or whatever. Each has a different Marmite jar on the top. You can’t beat being able to offer your guests Marmite with a special spoon. Words cannot describe the envious looks that I get.

6. A CD Subscription. Did you know that Rough Trade Records have a subscription service? I didn’t. My wife did. It is a very simple plan. You give them money and each month they choose a new CD and send it to you. You discover music that you might not listen to otherwise. It is like the Olympics ticket lottery, only you actually get something at the end of it. A brilliant idea, and a brilliant gift

7. Cricket. Not a gift that you can easily giftwrap, I’ll admit. Cricket may be the best game on the planet, but even I have to admit that it can take a little while to play. Despite this, my wife has never once tried to stop me playing it, or going to watch it, and lumbering her with our exuberant child to look after. There are not many better gifts that selflessly letting someone do something they love.

All of which means that you can forget using any of these services, because they will never be as inventive at gift buying as my wife is. Now, where did I put that cheese grater?

*Unless you are my mother, who would regard this as a dream job.

**For me, not necessarily for her.

October 22, 2011
7 Reasons That The Interrobang Is Amazing

Hello! How are you?! Excellent, glad to hear it. Well here at 7 Reasons, we’re uncommonly excited because yesterday, @davidofyork tweeted a link to an obscure piece of punctuation called the interrobang, which has apparently been around since 1962. It’s used to convey excitement or disbelief in the form of a question. Here are seven reasons that it’s amazing.

1. It Looks Amazing! Look at it! Look at it! It’s up there! It’s a question! It’s an exclamation! It’s a quesclamation! It’s an exclamastion! It’s two different things fused together in a perfect visual synergy. You may never have seen an interrobang before but if you’ve ever seen a question mark and an exclamation mark a casual glance at it will instantly convey its meaning. It’s bloody perfect.

2. It’s Called An Interrobang! An interrobang! Have you ever heard a better portmanteau word? No, I thought not. It’s amazing. It takes the interro from interrogate and the bang from bang! There is surely only one better word in the world, and that word is hereisabowloftiramisuthesizeofscotlandhelpyourself which isn’t even a real word. Interrobang is real. Interrobang!

3. You Can Make One Yourself! The interrobang is the most amazing thing that I have ever seen, you’re doubtless thinking, I want to use one as soon as possible, the very moment that I have finished reading this piece, shared it on Facebook and Twitter and pressed the Google +1 button at the bottom of the page. But wait! Where’s the interrobang on my keyboard? The evil bastards at Microsoft/Apple haven’t provided one! Where’s my interrobang?! Well, it’s there, just before this sentence, because you don’t need a dedicated interrobang key to have an interrobang, the mere act of using the symbols one after the other is, in itself, an interrobang. Allow me to demonstrate:

4. It’s Easy To Use! How do I use an interrobang?! Like that! Can I use it this way round as well!? Yes! It’s that simple.

5. It’s Fun To Use! I’ll let you into a secret. I bloody love writing. I find the act of forming thoughts into words and sentences then punctuating them and playing with them until they convey what I wanted to say in a pleasing way an absolute joy. But then I discovered the interrobang, and do you know what?! Writing became a hundred times more fun. Because now I get to write words and when the time comes to punctuate them I get to use the interrobang! And better than that, I am now able to use the word interrobang! A lot! Interrobang! It’s amazing! I’m literally bouncing around with excitement because of the interrobang! Every time I use an interrobang or use the word interrobang it’s a thrill, though I do promise never to drink this much coffee before writing a 7 Reasons post again. But only if I can say interrobang again. Interrobang!

6. It Makes You Cool! Some things are intrinsically cool. Knowing what an umlaut is, is cool. Steve McQueen in Bullitt, is cool. But now you’re cooler than that, because knowing what an umlaut is, is nowhere near as cool as knowing what an interrobang is, because the interrobang is just about the most awesome thing in the world! And it’s still quite obscure. And now, when you watch Bullitt, there’ll be a nagging thought in the back of your mind: Well, you’re pretty cool, Steve McQueen, but you don’t know what an interrobang is and I do! You’re now cooler than Steve McQueen because of the interrobang! How cool is the interrobang?!

7. Interrobang?! Interrobang! Interrobang?! Interrobang! Look at the interrobang! Look at the word interrobang! It’s there at the start of this paragraph having a conversation with itself! It’s that awesome! It’s the interrobang! It talks to itself! There it is! IT’S THE INTERROBANG! I’m going to go for a lie down now but not before I say interrobang! Interrobang!

September 22, 2011
7 Reasons Being Left-Handed Is Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

The two of you who read Friday’s post will know that Saturday was Left-Handers’ Day. To join in with the fun I decided that I would be an honorary left-hander for the day. How hard could it be? The problem was, by the time I had remembered I was supposed to be being left-handed for the day, I had already been right-handed for six hours. It didn’t really seem right to do a half-hearted job so I vowed to be a left-hander on Sunday instead. Only, I forgot. Again. So I wrote myself a note. On Monday I would be a left-hander. And I was. This is my story.

1. Tea. A disaster. From start to finish. Usually I am programmed to pour with my left hand and stir with my right. Having rewired myself – while the pouring was just as effective – the stirring was abysmal. I just couldn’t get into a rhythm. Tea was sloshing over the side. Across the work-surface. Onto the floor. And then there was the flicking off the tea-bag into the bin using the spoon. I missed the bin. I suspect you’re thinking it couldn’t get any worse? Sadly, it did. By the time I had finished we seldom had half a cup of tea between us. Shocker.

2. Writing Freehand Stylee. I made a few phone calls yesterday. That’s nothing new. I often like to leave answerphone messages for myself so I feel loved. Yesterday though I actually called some people who weren’t, never have and never will be me. I didn’t tell them though, it would have been bad for their morale. I used my left-hand to key in the number and hold the phone to my ear. This wasn’t a problem. During the course of the first call though it became abundantly obvious that I needed to make some notes. It’s at the point that I should have probably given up, used my right-hand and pretended this entire episode never occurred. But, dear reader, that would not be fair on you. If there is one thing we are on 7 Reasons, it is honest. So for your benefit I carried on in my pursuit of left-handed glory. I held the phone between my left-shoulder and left-ear and wrote with my left-hand. The result of all this is that I have a meeting on Thursday morning. Not that you would know unless you were hacking my phone at the time.

3. Application Of Cosmetics. On Sunday I got burnt by the vicious Kent 20 degrees sunshine. So come yesterday I was giving Sitting Bull a run for his money. As a result I needed to up the moisture levels of the affected areas using the various lotions and potions I could find lying around the house. Sadly for you I didn’t go for the tomato salsa. Instead I used Vaseline’s Essential Moisture Daily Body Lotion. It’s a tremendous product and I heartily recommend it. Applying it to my face with my left-hand was a doddle. I only wish I had recorded it for a ‘How To’ video on YouTube. Then came the difficult part. Tradition would have it that I apply moisture to my left arm using my right hand. I am sure you can work out what I had to do. The result was not only highly ineffective it also made me look as if I was doing The Funky Gibbon. Only it wasn’t funky and I didn’t have the Steve Wright intro or the future prospect of shrinking like Bill Oddie. Is it really possible to shrink about twenty inches while working with Kate Humble?

4. Mice. Having made half a cup of tea, written something even MI5 would struggle to decipher and performed an impromptu display of Swan Lake on acid, you would have thought not much more could go wrong. That’s when I tuned the computer on and realised I would have to bring the mouse to the other side of the keyboard. After an hour I was fairly proficient in keeping the cursor on the screen. Remembering which finger to click with though is something I never got used to. I was in and out of the recycle bin more times than a school-child watching Blue Peter. I also ended up watching Vanilla’s 1997 smash-hit No Way No Way. I’m still not entirely sure how.*

5. Lunch. Not difficult as such, just dangerous. Knives and Jonathan Lee don’t mix at the best of times. Throw in the fact that I was cutting left-handed while performing The Funky Gibbon in a sunburnt state to the rhythmic beats of Vanilla’s No Way No Way and it’s the kind of thing only a sick pervert would want to witness. As it happened he only stayed for the first half.

6. Photography. The more observant of you will note that every post on 7 Reasons is accompanied by a photo. Most of the time we just borrow one from Google Images, but on the odd occasion we carefully craft our own. Today’s photo – as I would hope you have guessed – is a first edition Lee. It seemed silly to write about my triumphs as a left-hander and then use someone else’s work to highlight it. Which is why I took the photo above. Never would I have thought using a camera would be an issue for a left-hander. But of course it is. I don’t know, maybe lefties actually use their right index finger and right thumb to press the various buttons and change settings? I guess it would make sense. Unfortunately for me though, 7 Reasons rarely makes sense. As such I used solely my left-hand to take the photo above. Twenty-three attempts it took me to finally take one that was both in focus and actually featured anything other than the floor.

7. Writing Keyboard Stylee. Having found six of my seven reasons in such quick time, I began to write this post yesterday afternoon. That brought with it its own problems. When you look at this post and compare it with Marc’s essays, you would wager that this post took far fewer hours to write. Oh how wrong could you be? Very actually. The whole point of being left-handed for the day was to use my left hand when on all other days of the year I use my right. As such my right hand went to the left-half of the keyboard and my left to the right. Three hours later this is the result.

*Honestly, I’m not. You have to believe me.

August 16, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Worst 7 Reasons Ever

Each week we get a lot of guest post submissions. I suspect we actually get more submissions than we do readers. Of the submissions we receive, we use about one in every ten. Three of the other nine are usable, but don’t quite meet the high standards you so desire and the remaining six are, well, rubbish. Never though did I think I would ever receive something quite like this:

7 Reasons My Mom Should By Me A Dog by Tom.

1. Jarod has one.

2. If she don’t I’m gonna runaway with Jarod.

3. I only get $5 pocket money a week and Jarod gets $20.

4. Mom promised me an X-box but never got me one.

5. I have to go to church on Sunday and it sucks.

6. I got grades better than Mom expected.

7. Jarod says his dog attacked his Pop and mom don’t like Pop.

You may think I am being slightly harsh given Thursday’s piece, but do bear in mind that this has been heavily edited to include capital letters and full-stops. If you think you can write a worse 7 Reasons piece please send it to [email protected]. I would be astounded.

July 24, 2011
7 Reasons We Will Not Publish Your Guest Post

This is not your usual midweek post. It’s more the kind of topic you would expect to read on Russian Roulette Sunday. Unfortunately, we just can’t wait until Sunday. This needs to be addressed right now. Before something really bad happens.

We don’t like to brag, but we get a lot of guest post enquiries. So much so that neither of us have had to make up an imaginary US-based doctor who likes paragliding for a long time now. The enquiries we receive generally tell us a lot about a person. And they tell us a lot about what we might see in a submission. For the last eighteen months we have made it our duty to respond to every single enquiry. Sometimes about two weeks late, but we do respond. The time has now come that this must end. Replying to enquiries such as the one below is a complete waste of time. A bad enquiry will almost always lead to a bad submission.

The following email has been received a number of times, from a number of different people. It’s a template. Templates are bad. If you want to write for 7 Reasons, never ever use a template. Here’s why:

Dear Editor of “7reasons.org“

1. Greeting. We’re not so wrapped up in self-love that we expect every single guest post enquiry to come from a regular 7 Reasons reader. As such we don’t expect the author to know the trials and tribulations of our lives – that we so aptly share on a daily basis. We would have thought, however, that if you were really keen to write for 7 Reasons, you’d at least have done a bit of research. Just maybe to find out who to address an email to. It’s really not that hard. We have a useful ‘About Us’ page and a very helpful ‘Contact Us’ page. Even if all you do is read the ‘Write For Us’ page, logic would surely dictate that writing Dear The Team sounds so much better than Dear Editor of 7Reasons.org. We’re not feeling the love with that.

I enjoyed 7reasons.org and found it very interesting. The language used here is very easy to understand and in good language.

2. Charm Offensive Fail. This is patronising and doesn’t make sense. “The language used here is very easy to understand,” because we can write in sentences you mean? And what does, “in good language” mean? If you’d written, “in a good language” then at least we’d have known you rate English above French, but just to say, “in good language” is completely bemusing. Not even Marc’s enigma machine could decipher it.

So I was wondering if you would be posting more articles on Contact Lenses(including brands & types etc.) if so then I would like to be considered as guest writer for your site. I would love to write on Contact Lenses for about 350 to 400 words.

3. We’re A Website. This is good, referencing previous posts makes us think you might just know what we’re about. But then you go and spoil it by suggesting you want to write “on contact lenses”. What sort of pen writes on a contact lens? Given that you’ll probably be able to fit a maximum of one word onto a contact lens, that’s a minimum of 350 to 400 contact lenses too. And one other thing. We’re a bloody website. Do we look like we accept submissions written on eyewear?

The article will be exclusively written for your site and will be unique. And will not be published anywhere else.

4. Doubtful. That’s nice. Unfortunately, we’re not sure whether we believe you. The enquiry template you have used is far from unique. How do we know you haven’t got a 7 Reasons template?

Thus resulting in majority of bangs to your site.

5. Bangs! Excuse me? Between us we have over twenty years of experience using the internet. And we are pretty adept at it. We know about the front and back ends and we know that in worldwide web parlance a cookie is not something you can eat. What we have never come across though is the term ‘bangs’. We assume it means ‘hits’. But even then why are we only getting the majority? Where are the minority going?

In return I would only accept an in link to my webpage.

6. Demands. That’s a shame because we were going to offer you an elephant on a unicycle. We suspect you mean you’d like a link to your site somewhere in the post, but again, to get on 7 Reasons, it helps if you can write.

Please let me know if you would be interested in allowing us to write a post for 7reasons.org.

7. Snarky. Are we interested in giving you permission to write for us? The whole ‘Write For Us’ page really indicates that you have permission to do that. It also, for those in doubt, indicates that we are interested in receiving guest posts. Perhaps our ‘Write For Us’ page isn’t clear enough for you? Or perhaps you’re just a plank? The thing is, we know what you mean here, but you’ve irritated us so much in the rest of your email that now we are just in the mood to be awkward. Don’t give us the excuse next time.

So, in conclusion, if you wish to write for 7 Reasons do your research and make sure you can write. We won’t tell you again.

May 26, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee

In an interview that is still being talked about fondly in at least one corridor in Nottingham University’s halls of residence, the co-founder of 7 Reasons, Marc Fearns, was interviewed by another co-founder of 7 Reasons, Jonathan Lee. If you missed it you still have time to check it out. It won’t be coming down until yesterday at 6pm when the world ended. This link will take you there. Do come back though because this week the tables have been turned. Or at least the sofa has. Or at least it was going to turn. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, Marc can’t be here. Being the creative chap Jon is though, he has decided to press ahead with the interview. So, here is Jonathan Lee in conversation with himself.

JL: Thanks for coming Jon.

JL: No problem.

JL: I like what you’re wearing.

JL: Ah, thanks. Claire doesn’t wear it much these days so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

JL: You can pull it off.

JL: I can, but not right now. We have an interview to do.

JL: Yes, sorry. So, 7 Reasons, how much longer are you going to keep doing it for?

JL: Who knows. At present working for myself means I can take time out to think of and write posts as well as all the other admin that goes into making it a ‘success’. That’s not going to last forever though. At some stage in the near future I expect to be working for someone else again and that means time for 7 Reasons will be heavily reduced.

JL: So 7 Reasons might come to an end soon?

JL: I didn’t say that.

JL: It’s what you intimated.

JL: It’s always a possibility and Marc and I both know this can’t last forever.

JL: So, this time next year, will 7 Reasons be around?

JL: It’ll be around, in what form I don’t know. You’ll see a slow down in the number of 7 Reasons posts we churn out before we say goodbye permanently. I would be surprised if we are posting every single day this time next year. But I thought that last year too. We’ll be two years old in a few months and writing every single day in the same format for two years is hard work.

JL: Are you tired then?

JL: Very.

JL: Is there anything you want to achieve with 7 Reasons before you shut the door on it?

JL: We’re working on a couple of things outside of the 7 Reason website. I’d be surprised if we don’t make at least one of those happen. Certainly from my point of view I would like the 7 Reasons concept to be able to exist without the website.

JL: So are we talking about an Edinburgh Fringe show?

JL: Maybe.

JL: When you look back, what one moment stands out for you?

JL: England winning the Ashes in Australia, just fractionally ahead of winning the Rugby World Cup.

JL: I really meant within or because of 7 Reasons.

JL: Oh. I don’t have one. When people say they’ve enjoyed reading a post that’s very gratifying, unless it’s a Marc Fearns post in which case it’s a bit sickening to watch to be honest.

JL: Is there a rivalry between you?

JL: I’m not sure. I think we drive each other to try and be better writers, but there is no jealousy if the other’s post is picked up by Umbro or The Guardian or whoever. We know that 7 Reasons is the sum of its parts and it simply wouldn’t work if one of us wasn’t there.

JL: That’s nice.

JL: Next question.

JL: What’s the worst post you’ve ever written?

JL: Anything that attempted to drive audience participation. Whether there was our quest to find the ‘8th Reasoner’ or our challenge for readers to ‘Pimp Our Sofa’. I completely misjudged just how lazy our audience was. And the ideas were rubbish. We had entries – some good ones – but ultimately they didn’t inspire the majority.

JL: And the best?

JL: Probably the posts that I have ghost written for other people.

JL: You do that?!

JL: For a fee.

JL: How much did SirStraussy pay you?

JL: He wrote that himself.

JL: And finally, you’re getting married next year. Is there going to be a 7 Reasons theme?

JL: No chance.

JL: Why not?

JL: You’ll have to read this forthcoming Tuesday’s post to find that out.

JL: Thanks for talking to us. I had fun.

JL: I’m glad one of us did.

May 22, 2011
7 Reasons to Buy a Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen

Great news, 7 Reasons readers! It’s now the future, for the zenith of that great and influential piece of technology – the pen – is here. Pictured down there, just below these words, is the most awesome pen ever. The only pen you’ll ever need. A pen that you can use on absolutely any occasion. If you want to be prepared, never mind the Scouts, get this pen. Did I mention that it’s awesome already? It’s awesome.

1. It’s Mighty. Okay, I can’t get anything past you. You’ve noticed, haven’t you? It doesn’t look like a pen, does it? No. It’s made from a .375 calibre bullet. That makes this pen mightier than the pen, which is mightier than the sword. It’s also packaged in an attractive gift case and is easy to transport in your pocket.

2. It’s Handy. I live in Britain where few people own guns and, as such, I have a very limited understanding of them. But what if bands of roaming barbarian hordes turned up at my house. Or hordes of roaming barbarian bands? Or reams of hording, barbering hands? Or bandaged ranks, handy with swords? I’d be fucked. And really confused. But if I had a bullet pen I’d be able to defend myself and my loved ones in the best possible way: By writing a cross letter to the local newspaper and then hurling the pen really hard at an assailant. That should work, right?

3. It’s Feminine. Now, you might be thinking that this isn’t a very feminine accoutrement, and that this awesome pen would be undesirable to women. But you’d be very, very wrong. Because if you thought that, you’d be making the crass assumption that what every woman wants is a man. But they don’t. And let me tell you right now, there is no surer way of not getting a man than for a woman to carry a large bullet around in her handbag. None. You can’t even top this with a cat in a pram or a hat made of cheese. Or Crocs.

4. It’s Waterproof. It writes underwater, which is something conventional pens can’t do. And it’s important to be able to write under water. For a successful submariner, for example, the ability to write under water is a necessary part of the job. They need to be able to write things down to do with charts and protractors and compasses and periscopes that you couldn’t possibly understand. If they were explained by me. The Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen is ideal for all of this underwater tomfoolery.

5. It’s Airproof. It writes over water too. So if you’re an unsuccessful submariner, you can still use the pen without feeling stigmatised and discriminated against as a consequence of your haplessness and ineptitude. Sure, other submariners may mock you, but it won’t be because of your pen.

6. It’s Oilproof. Who amongst us hasn’t been trapped in a barrel of oil and suddenly remembered that it’s Mothers Day? If you own this pen, your mother will never be card-less again. You’ll also be able to write inside a wok and on the head of my teenage self. It’s so practical!

7. It’s A Force For Good. It raises the stakes and pushes back the boundaries of science, technology, the human species as a whole and the design of pouch laminating machines. Because the bullet space-pen is so amazing that it’s way ahead of the curve. Sure, the pen works underwater, and so does paper. For a short time. But eventually in water, paper turns to papier-mâché and, as we know, turning French is undesirable. The only thing that can prevent this horror is the pouch laminating machine which sadly, does not work underwater. Because of this technological imbalance, humankind will inevitably pour all sorts of resources into making the underwater pouch laminating machine a reality. All because of the Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen. Bring on the future* (only £16.34 and delivered free within the UK)!

*My birthday is in June.

April 5, 2011
7 Reasons It’s At Times Like This I Wish I Was Spanish

For as long as I can remember, 7 Reasons has been on the receiving end of the below email. It’s in Spanish. I speak English. And a little French. And basic business Latin. As a result this email goes straight in the recycle bin. But, just like a Boomerang or Jim Davidson, if you even dare think you’ve got rid of it, it comes back again. And again. And again. Yesterday, I snapped. No longer could I ignore it. I took the time and effort to translate it. Having done so though, I can’t help but think a lot has been lost in Google Translation.

1. Welcome. That is what Bienvenidos means. Or at least that is what Google Translate suggests it means. Is this a Spanish thing? Welcoming you into an email? I thought a welcome was reserved for when you entered a shop or a hotel. I have never once received a letter from Barclays welcoming me. Which is a shame really, I imagine I’d have taken out more loans had they done so. Anyway, from this point on, I am suspicious of this email. And the Spanish in general. Not that the latter takes much, I have been suspicious of the Spanish since the Armada.

2. We have new and updated database of Spanish companies. That’s nice. Shall I reply and tell them about my collection of Wisdens?

3. We invite you to our solutions for effective advertising campaigns. Where are your solutions based I ask myself. Admittedly, it would probably help more if I asked them. As with many things in life it comes down to location, location, location. Yes, all three of them. I dare say if it was Barcelona based, Marc and I would be only too happy to visit the solutions. Sadly though, I suspect Google Translate has missed out the word ‘view’ from between ‘to’ and ‘our’. But this is only guess work. If I could speak Spanish I may well have been supping the delights of various solutions on the Spanish Riviera some eighteen months ago.

4. Offer databases of companies active in the Spanish market would gladly be interested in your products to establish permanent cooperation lines. Oh dear, you’ve lost me again. Something about opening a Co-Op store? Weird people.

5. The effectiveness of our products is guaranteed by the evidence of a growing list of satisfied companies, quickly been able to reach with your offer to new customers. While this is obviously nonsense, I can’t help but applaud the rather brilliant thought process going on here. So brilliant is it that I wish to adopt it for 7 Reasons. From now on the daily brilliance of 7 Reasons is guaranteed by the number of readers we have. For those of you struggling to grasp this concept, don’t worry. I am just addressing the Spanish in their language.

6. The database is updated every three months. In addition, every customer purchasing our database of Companies provide free the first update. See, I told you there was something dodgy about this email. If I purchase the database I then have to give them an update for free. No chance, not on your nelly. Or, not on your Hernán Cortés as they say over there.

7. We will send the product in electronic format and on CD-ROM. I have long held the belief that a CD-ROM is an electronic format, but this news excites me. I’m going to whack my copy of Revolver in a bagel and listen to it on the train to Tunbridge Wells.

March 11, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Read The Thursday Next Books By Jasper Fforde

Today, the 7 Reasons sofa sees the return of former guest writer Rachel Simmonite. She has many important things to say so I won’t keep you long. Just to say, when you’ve read today’s post head over to Rachel’s blog. It’s full of interesting things about rugby. Right, here’s Rachel.

My guest posts for this blog seem to come about on an annual basis, but I’m determined to make them more like buses. So, in the first of what might or might not be three guest posts, I am writing 7Reasons to read the Thursday Next books, which are written by the genius that is Jasper Fforde.

It was a trip to Hay-on-Wye, that place of the second hand bookshops and delicious Welsh Cakes, and a trip to the Guardian Hay Festival where I first spotted the first book in the Thursday Next series: The Eyre Affair. I don’t know why I was drawn to it, there were loads of other (brand new) books in the makeshift store. Maybe it was fate? I picked up the book and read the blurb, followed by the first paragraph. I always do that, if it passes the blurb test then it has to go to the first paragraph test and then I will buy it. I noticed that it was a series, I think only a couple of them had come out by then so I went and bought both. I do like to stick with a series. Unfortunately the only series error I’ve made was with the Twilight books, and that was a serious series error. But I digress.

I got home and started reading. I was hooked. Two books read in two days (it was the school holidays, it’s allowed). And if that’s not enough persuasion to go out and buy them I don’t know what is. Well, apart from these seven reasons obviously. Here they are:

1. They make Swindon look cool. I’ve been to Swindon. I’ve experienced Swindon. (Okay so I’ve only experienced a pub there) And it’s not cool. But the Swindon in the Thursday Next books is really really cool. It’s the epicentre of all the chaos and activity that happens in the books, a change from those great literary destinations such as London and Oxford. For such a plain place, Fforde brings out the fun that Swindon could still yet have. Who knows, maybe the parallel Fforde Swindon and real Swindon could merge and we’d get this…

2. George Formby is the President. Yes, he of Leaning on a Lamp Post and playing the ukulele fame,is the President of England. Oh and the Crimean War is still going on. In 1985. Wales is a socialist republic. You have huge taxes on cheese (I don’t know how I could have coped with that) and illegal smuggling of it across the country. There are dodos and Neanderthals too and even the odd mammoth migration too.

3. The Debate Over Who Wrote Shakespeare’s Plays Is Bigger Than The “Who Shot Phil Mitchell?” Storyline In Eastenders. Did William Shakespeare really write all those plays and sonnets? Or was it Christopher Marlowe? Could it have been Francis Bacon? How about the Earls of Oxford or Derby? All have good claims to Shakespeare’s plays. Some people in the Thursday Nextbooks are obsessed with this to the point that it can cause violence. Shakespeare is not just the scourge of the English student in these books, he’s extremely popular, and not just when well known actors are acting his plays in the theatre!

4. If You Don’t Watch Out You’ll Miss The Puns. You have to read the Thursday Next books very closely as they’re full of puns. There are character names like Landen Parke-Laine (London Park Lane) and Braxton-Hicks along with the more obvious Agents Chalk and Cheese. Millon de Floss writes Thursday’s biography. I’m not telling you all of the other ones; you will have to read the books to find them out for yourself! I might not have found them all! It gives you an excuse to read them again to try and spot more of them, that and the books are just great so you’ll want to read them again anyway.

5. Despite The Weirdness It Still Has All The Typical Generic Subplots. There’s the romance between Thursday and Landen, which has its ups and downs and general drama. Thursday has eccentric family members from the father who doesn’t really exist, the fussy mother, the religious brother and the aunt and uncle who out smart just about everybody. There’s the big bad guy, Acheron Hades, an even bigger bad guy with a huge corporation behind him. Plus there’s the multi-coloured Porsche. Eat your heart out James Bond.

6. There’s An Alternate World In The Parallel World. Yes, I’m being serious. So Nextian Swindon is a parallel world of real Swindon, but also in Nextian Swindon, our main character can go into the world of books. Pretty mind boggling, but you’ll get used to it. You might even get used to the thought of Miss Havisham from Great Expectations breaking land speed records, or the fact that the characters aren’t really allowed into the works of Edgar Allan Poe. Having studied Poe this can only be a good thing. The book world does come across as being really fun, it makes you wish that books are really written that way, maybe they are? Who knows?

7. Your celebrities? Not Reality TV Stars But Literary Figures Or Figures In Literature. It’s like the good old days, people aren’t famous for being famous, they actually have to do something first. In the case of the celebrities in the Thursday Next books they have to be written. The hero worship never seems to be stopping, with people changing their names to their favourites, but they have to have a number afterwards due to the multiple numbers of them. You don’t see people nowadays changing their names to Jordan or Kerry Katona, but you will see Anne Hathaways in these books.

March 5, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons Esq

Men of the world, have you ever been in the company of a woman? Has that woman ever told you she used to be a gymnast? Were you wearing a scarf at the time? If you answered ‘Yes’ to all three, you need to buy the February issue of Esquire.

Of course we wouldn’t just tell you to buy a magazine without good reason. Naturally, nor would we give you just one good reason. That is not how we operate. Except on Sundays. Because on Sundays, anything goes. And on Sundays we really can’t be bothered to think that much. So your one good reason to buy the February issue of Esquire is that we are in it. That’s right, after 15 months of web based reasoning we have moved across to printed press reasoning.

I say ‘we’, in truth I should probably say ‘Jonathan Lee’, because in a rather unfortunate episode of crediting, the name ‘Marc Fearns’ is no where to be seen. When you consider that Marc devised four of the seven reasons this is a cruel and a damning twist of fate. Marc is a fairly stoic character however, and so when I (that’s Jon) sent news of our publication and lack of credit to York, I was expecting him to take it in his stride. This was Marc’s response:

“That’s like getting an enormous, beautifully wrapped box for Christmas only to discover that it contains a brick. And a lemon. I suppose that this is some form of progress though. Well done on getting published. You know those embittered, crazy, dishevelled old men that hang around train stations and regale you with unsolicited and doubtful tales of their own accomplishments? “I devised a text-in format for Richard Bacon…I made my cat walk on foil…I used to write for Esquire…Robert De Niro stole my hat…I once met the Queen of the pigeons.” This is probably how it starts. Can you get them to put a retrospective credit in next month or should I start growing a grey beard and soiling my own trousers now?”

Now, I know exactly what word has sprung to mind. Immature. And I know immature sprung to mind because that is exactly what it did in mine. I have little time for immaturity and over-reaction in my life, so I ignored him. Which, in hindsight, was a bit like poking a big beast with a hot poker. After twenty-four hours without contact, Marc sent me a new email with ‘New Logo’ in it’s subject. Thinking that Marc had obviously mellowed overnight and was now concentrating on the design of the site, I openned the attachment with intrigue. This is what I found:

Now, I know exactly what word has sprung to mind. Petty. And I know petty has sprung to mind because that is exactly what it did in mine. I have little time for pettiness in my life, so I have continued to ignore him. Which only provoked the Yorkshire beast more. We are now in a stand-off John Wayne would have been proud of. Marc keeps firing photoshopped images at me and I keep shielding myself with my ego. Time will only tell whether 7 Reasons comes through this tricky patch, but just in case we don’t, we strongly advise you to pick up Esquire now. It may be the last time you will ever see 7 Reasons name in print. Well, Jonathan Lee’s anyway.

January 9, 2011