Tag: Wood

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Replace Your Windows Today

Windows. Not unlike the software of the same name, you can’t live with ’em, and you can’t live without ’em. You need them if you don’t want to be overcome with a panicked bout of claustrophobia, but you hate them because they let everybody see what you’re doing in your house. Oh well, since you’ll be living with windows for the rest of your life, you might as well replace them with something better. Here are, that’s right, seven reasons why.

1. They Probably Look Ugly. Lets face it, how much do most people think about the way their windows look when they buy a home? You were probably more concerned about finding a way to get a mortgage then the craftsmanship of a pane of glass. It’s time to get serious. Take a look at your window right now. It’s probably just glass, PVC, and some caulk. Didn’t realize that did you? You better get on that right now.

2. You’ll Get in a Fight With Your Spouse. Your old windows are sucking all the heat out of your home during the winter, and are horrible at protecting you from the deadly menace of heat during the summer. It’s almost like they’re walking up to your thermostat and pulling cash directly out of it.

But is that going to stop you from buying the latest Cosmo or PS3 game? No way. The end result of this is that you’re going to get overdrawn on your account. Your spouse will see that you carelessly disregarded the importance of balancing the budget, and they will reprimand you for it. Being incapable of admitting any wrongdoing, you’ll start yelling at them and things will go downhill from there.

3. You Might as Well Shoot Earth in the Head With a Shotgun. Would you prance around the arctic with a baseball bat, casually clubbing baby seals? I didn’t think so. But that’s basically what you’re doing by not replacing your old windows.

Fact: You’re personally generating a million metric tonnes of acid rain every millisecond by keeping your old windows.
Fact: Someday the world will end because you didn’t replace your windows.
Fact: Not replacing your windows is worse than murder.

4. You Can Brag About Them. When you buy new windows, you can brag about them to all of your friends. You can brag about how much money you are saving on your energy bill. You can also brag about how much money it cost you to buy them, offering the best of both worlds. You can brag about how awesome they look. You can brag about your savviness. Don’t hold back. Make the most of it.

5. Windows Are Like the Windows into Your Home’s Soul. They say that eyes are the windows into your soul. Well what does that say about your home’s windows? Do you want your house to have an ugly soul? If so then you’re a pretty horrible person. Why would you wish something like that on your home? Your home keeps you warm, dry, and comfortable. It’s like a home to you. Why would you treat it like that?

6. It Will Be Easier to Show Off From Home. Let’s face it, your old windows are probably dirty. When you get new windows, they will be clear. This means that it will be easier for people to peer through your window and check up on you to see how you’re doing. This not only has its safety advantages, but it gives you a chance to parade around in your underwear for all the world to see just how much you’ve been working out lately.

7. You Will Make the World a Better Place. You’re just one person. You can’t change the world. Or can you? Well, all change takes place one step at a time. Your beautiful new windows will make the world a better place because at least one home on this planet looks less ugly. It might not seem like much but you are helping to build a better future.

Just think what would happen if everybody bought new windows. You wouldn’t have to cower in fear as you walked through the suburbs, shielding your eyes from the ugly windows that surround you. Be a part of the future. Get new windows.

Author Bio: George Dennis is president of King Shade and Window, a home improvement company with a range of roller shades for windows.

February 16, 2012
7 Reasons it Must Have Been Terrible to Celebrate Your Wedding Anniversary in the 1930s

In the 1930s it was decided (presumably by purveyors of gifts) that there weren’t enough things associated with anniversaries and a more comprehensive anniversary gift list was created. Fortunately for contemporary celebrants of anniversaries, since then the list has been modernised. This is no bad thing as I’ve seen a copy of the original list. Here are seven reasons that it must have been terrible to celebrate your anniversary in the 1930s.

1. Wood. On the original list, the fifth anniversary is wood. This is rather fitting for the era because, after five long years of marriage, the celebration of their fifth wedding anniversary may well have been one of the last occasions that a married couple got wood. Rather mean to remind them of that though.

2. Willow/Copper. The ninth anniversary is a terrifying prospect. According to the BBC (they who must be believed), after nine years you get the willow/copper anniversary. The only feasible combination of willow and copper that comes to my mind is a policeman with a cane. Imagine your surprise and delight when you sit down with your wife and she says, “Happy anniversary darling, here’s a rozzer to beat you with a stick.” That doesn’t sound like too much fun to me. Perhaps it was more fun back then.

3. Aluminium/Tin. Times were clearly hard in the ‘30s and though your tenth anniversary present would be an improvement on the previous year’s beating, it wouldn’t be much of one as you’re likely to be presented with something in a tin or in an aluminium can. This can mean only one thing: food. But in the 1930s people didn’t have normal food, they had weird food: tins of tongue; tins of luncheon meat; tins of potatoes. Is being presented with a tin of tongue even any better than being beaten by a policeman? Well, should you have had your anniversary in the 1930s, you’d be in a great position to judge.

4. Ivory. After fourteen years of wedded bliss – assuming you’d recuperated from your beating by the forces of law and order five years previously and eating your tongue the following year – it was time for the real presents to begin. For your fourteenth anniversary, you could have expected to receive something without which no home is complete; a bit of an elephant. Obviously your gift wouldn’t be in the form of a bit of an elephant, it would be a bit of one of those useless lumbering creatures from the other side of the world turned into something far more practical, like a letter-opener or a cruet set.

5. China. For your twentieth anniversary you would have received the best gift of all, after which all other anniversary presents would come as an anticlimax. For your twentieth anniversary you could expect to receive the nation of China. Now China back then was war-ravaged and in the economic doldrums, rather than being the titan that it is now, but still, a whole country is an impressive gift. All anniversaries after the twentieth would be a huge disappointment.

6. Pearl/Ivory. After thirty years, while modern couples are receiving their first diamonds, couples using the traditional anniversary list are in for a rare treat. They can expect to relive that fondly remembered fourteenth anniversary on which they received a bit of an elephant only now, as if the bit of an elephant weren’t enough of a treat, they can expect it to be augmented by a bit of calcium carbonate that had been stolen from a fish. Yay!

7. Blue Sapphire. After sixty-five years of marriage, the compilers of the list clearly believe that senility will have kicked in because you’re going to get a sapphire again, but this time it’s going to be a blue one (which will be so much better than the beige one you got for your 45th). “Look darling”, your husband will bellow into your ear trumpet, “I bought you a blue sapphire…it’s blue!”. “Well, fancy” you’ll respond, “a blue sapphire. Well I never! Are these my feet?”

And now, I have a confession to make: tomorrow is my wedding anniversary (and my wife’s). I’m not going to tell you which one, but you might be able to guess, as this is what I’ve got her. Feel free to wish me luck!

July 6, 2011
7 Reasons We Like Birthday Cards

Last year we provided you with seven of the finest World War propaganda posters that the world had never seen. They now exist in a very pleasant postcard collection. Today we thought we’d do the same with birthday cards. It’s a fascinating collection displaying the very finest in 7 Reasons style, humour and photoshop. Well, mostly.

1. Eyechart. Remember the good old days when your Dad could read? Yes, so do I. This card humorously reminds them that they are aging very quickly. Don’t worry, they wont find it insulting. By the time they have found their glasses they’ll have forgotten what they needed them for.

2. I Like This. Are you on facebook? Yes, of course you are. The only person who isn’t is my Mum. And good for her. It means she has more time to bake cakes and stuff. It also means she has real friends. That’s in stark contrast to the rest of us who have never actually met at least 20% of our ‘friends’. This card is ideal therefore for the social media nut in your life. It would also help if they have watched Notting Hill. And they’re a boy. You need to be a girl too. Or a male lesbian.

3. Copper Letters. This is our minimalist card. It wasn’t intentional, it’s just that these were all the letters we found down the side of the 7 Reasons sofa. Luckily for those among us who have birthdays, all the letters required to spell ‘Happy Birthday’ were present. Unfortunately we could only find a number zero and a number six. Which means this card is only really suitable for the six or sixty year-old in your life. At least you can reuse it though. Just hang on to it for fifty-four years.

4. White. Then we realised that our minimalist card wasn’t minimal enough. So this is our ist card (it’s so minimal that we could only make it more minimal by dispensing with the word minimal). Have we said “minimal” enough now? Good, we’ll stop then. This card recognises that the best cards in the shop are always the ones in which the interior is “left blank for your message” and contains the message “exterior left blank for your image” within. Printed in white. Which makes it appear even more…er…even less maximal.

5. Chess With Death. This birthday card designed specifically for the film buff references the Ingmar Bergman classic The Seventh Seal, in which an ailing knight plays a chess match against Death to prolong his life. It’s a card which accurately represents how most people over the age of thirty view birthday cards anyway, except that most people don’t even get the fun of a chess match on their “special” day. This is not a card for birthday fans.

6. Happy___Birthday. This is the only card you’ll ever need (which is something of a shame, as there’s one more to go). If you keep a stock of these at home you’re all set for every eventuality. Can’t find a card with the right age on it? No problem, there’s space for you to fill it in (to the day). Forgot the birthday and you’re sending it late? No problem, you can just tell them you meant to send it as a happy-sixty-fourth-plus-two-days card. Know someone who hates birthdays and want to stick the knife in? No problem, just send it with their age plus a hundred and eighty days, half a year after their birthday. They won’t be expecting that!

7. Deforestation. We’ve just designed a lot of cards. Well six. That’s a lot if you’ve only got five fingers. It’s also a lot of paper and, as we should all know by now, paper comes from trees. Our seventh card therefore highlights the plight of our rainforests. A greeting card that urges people to save the trees is a brilliant contradiction and one we hope will appeal to the hypocrites among you.

April 15, 2011