Tag: weather

Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Holiday Season Sucks

If you’re feeling really festive, we mean really festive, then today’s guest post from Louise Tillotson probably isn’t the kind of thing you wanted to read over your lunch break. On the other hand, though, if you bat for Team Scrooge this is the kind of thing you’ll want to read and share and read and share and read and share… (repeat to fade).

I like Christmas as much as the next person. Provided that person is, in fact, Scrooge. Bah humbug and all that…

But honestly, I do enjoy the festive period to an extent. The act of going out in the cold, wrapped up warmly, spending my hard-earned savings on things I don’t have to find space for in my already cluttered home is, to me, one of the joys of Christmas.

When you’re a grown-up, Christmas does kind of lose its appeal. But when you have kids of your own and see it through their eyes, it seems magical all over again.

Sadly, what those little eyes don’t see are the niggly little annoyances that now seem to ruin the season just that little bit more each year. I’m talking about…

1. Christmas Cards. Every year we send flimsy bits of cardboard with awful pictures on them to people we never see or speak to throughout the year. And every year we get flimsy bits of cardboard with awful pictures on them given to us which we then have to display in our homes in case the giver happens to drop by. Which is unlikely seeing as we haven’t seen or spoken to them all year…

2. The Weather. Do a Google image search for ‘Christmas’ and you immediately get thousands of pictures containing snow-covered cottages, trees festooned with lights, and jolly-looking snowmen made out of the purest white snow. Now look out of your window. See the grey slush laying forlornly in the gutter, the crumpled lump of grey and yellow matter with a single carrot poking out at an odd angle, the few dimly lit bulbs hanging on for dear life to a wilting bush…Doesn’t the sight just fill your heart with winter joy? No, I didn’t think so.

3. Strange Bearded Men. I am of course referring to Santa Claus, Father Christmas or whatever you call him in your family. There’s just something vaguely creepy about taking your beloved little one to sit on the knee of a strange man and confide in him all their secret wishes for the season. Or more realistically; start to cry hysterically, scream for mummy and wet themselves.

4. Cold Food. Maybe it was just the way my mother cooked it, but I always think of Christmas dinner as being a lot of cold stuff covered with thick gravy. There’s obviously an art to getting four types of vegetable, three types of potato, turkey and stuffing to the same hot temperature at the same time…and my mother never mastered it. Our turkey dinners always consisted of freezing cold meat, red hot gravy and tepid everything else. Which probably wouldn’t be so bad but the turkey is always far too large and you end up having it with every meal for a week afterwards.

5. Mandatory Alcohol. And when I say alcohol I don’t mean the tasty stuff that you’d choose to drink if you were at the pub. I’m talking about stuff like Babycham, the “wine” parents buy when they want to get their offspring amusingly drunk; and Advocaat, which looks like runny custard and smells like it’s been drunk already. And woe betide you if you don’t want to drink – you’ll have a glass of this cheap plonk out of a box and damn well enjoy it!

6. Decorations. I don’t mind what people have inside their homes, as I don’t have to look at it. I’m talking about the stuff people decorate the outside of their homes with. As far as I can tell, there are two rules every outside decorator thinks they must obey: the lights must be the brightest you can find, and if they don’t flash and/or cause a hazardous distraction to drivers, you’ve not used enough. For preference, you should also create your own Nativity/Farm/North Pole with brightly lit animal structures too, for that added tackiness.

7. Presents. Last but not least, we come to the gifts. Your granny is probably delegated to trot out the old adage “giving is better than receiving” but honestly, I think it’s true. Only by not receiving gifts can we avoid having to pretend to love the hideous pair of socks a lazy uncle has bought you, or the bath salts which you just know will make you smell like the inside of a pensioner’s handbag. There’s only so long you can wear a fake smile and feign delightedness so as not to offend your well-meaning but utterly clueless relatives.

December 13, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In The UK

Forget the Costa del Sol, it’s time to embrace Costa del Brighton. For too long, too many people have ignored the UK as a holiday destination. Why they have done so remains a complete mystery, but it’s time for a change. Here are just seven reasons you should ignore those foreign places and keep it British.

1. Active Pursuits. Our changeable and unreliable weather is the butt of many jokes, but let’s be honest, not everyone wants to lounge around on a beach in 30+ degree heat every day. Especially when you have a German eyeing up your sun lounger. All too often, when you go abroad you just end up sitting on the beach or by the pool in an attempt to keep cool. This is fine if doing nothing is what you had in mind, but if you want to be active and explore your surroundings, this can be quite limiting. There’s only so long you can go on a tour of the hotel reception before it gets a bit same-y. So take a look at a UK holiday; you may be surprised at the wealth of activities on offer. You might not have noticed, but we even have one or two beautiful, award winning beaches of our own.

2. Dizzy Heights. If you are one of the many people who don’t like flying, jetting off on a foreign holiday may very well be your idea of hell. Wherever you are in the UK, you are never far from a superb tourist destination. Coastal cottages in the West Country, in the south or in the Scottish Highlands allow you to get away from the stresses of home life without having to travel for hours upon hours.

3. Greenery. Holidaying in the UK is greener. And we don’t mean just the grass: consider your carbon foot print. It is estimated that the vast number of commercial flights each year are pumping 600 million tonnes of carbon dioxide directly into the atmosphere. By around 2020, air travel is expected to be the single biggest contributor to global warming. Basically, what we’re saying is, if you don’t go on holiday in the UK, you are killing your grandchildren.

4. When Is A Bargain A Rip-Off? You may have noticed that, financially speaking, times are hard in the UK at the moment. Air travel can be expensive but you will also need to take into account the exchange rate. It is no good bagging a bargain abroad if you find that everything is so expensive that you can’t go out. You’ll have to stay in your room and watch Sky News all day.

5. All In The Chalet Together. Holidaying here in the UK and spending your hard earned cash in our towns and cities is good for our economy. In 2010, David Cameron suggested that the UK has been drastically underselling itself as a tourist destination. At a conference in London, Mr Cameron urged more Brits to holiday in the UK, emphasising that tourism is “one of the best and fastest ways of generating the jobs we need so badly in this country”. And, just for the sake of political balance, Ed Miliband has just this week said he had a lovely time in Liverpool – bar the power cuts. So there we go. Agreement across the political spectrum.

6. Familiarity Breeds Content. Familiarity can be an important factor for those wishing to stay in the UK. If you enjoy good old English meat and two veg, an English fry up for breakfast, the occasional fish and chip supper or a battered Mars bar, then you can’t go far wrong here.

7. Sprechen Sie The Lingo. Unless you’re going to Glasgow, there will be no need for a phrase book every time you want to buy something or order in a restaurant. So for something truly British, look at one of the many coastal cottages available throughout the UK at Sykes Cottages.

If you usually holiday abroad but you are considering staying the UK for a change or for one of the reasons above, then you may very well find yourself surprised. The UK has so many stunning destinations. With a little research you should be able to find the perfect place and you may very well end up wondering why you’ve been bothering to go abroad every year.

October 2, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Insulate Your Home

Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by John Morris – a freelance writer and journalist. He is a DIY enthusiastic and often writes on wide range of home & garden related topics.

Ice House by bill791

Insulating your home has so many ‘no-brainer’ advantages; there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. From cutting your energy bills to saving the planet, here are seven solid reasons you should get to work insulating your home.

1. Keep Cosy. Let’s kick off with the most obvious: insulating your home keeps you warm. It might sound straightforward, but if you live in a temperate or cold climate, there’s nothing sure to make you feel more miserable in winter than when you feel as cold inside, as it looks outside. It’s not all about spending money either. A bit of basic draught proofing can cost nothing, yet make a huge difference, making your house feel much cosier. And there are literally hundreds of easy, low effort ways to insulate and draught proof your home, from placing homemade draught eliminators in front of doors to a bit of DIY loft insulation using bubble-wrap, cardboard boxes and a staplegun. Many of the easiest ways to get the heat in and the cold out cost nothing!

2. Money! Money! Money! There are few greater motivators than hard cash. With the way energy prices are going at the moment, by insulating your home, you will end up paying a lot less to your energy supplier. Current estimates suggest, depending on how ‘extreme’ your insulating strategy is, you can easily save 20% on your annual energy bills and perhaps as much as a third if you’re willing to spend a little extra at the outset. Gas, electricity and oil prices are only going one way – up – so it’s worth bearing in mind that every time your provider increases their prices, you end up saving even more. It’s also worth considering stashing the money you save into a high interest savings account to fund further energy saving technology, such as solar panels, that can massively reduce your bills in the future.

3. Do Your Bit For The Environment. Up to a half of all the energy used in the average home are for heat and hot water. Which is why cutting down on the amount of energy you use is good for your carbon footprint. Even if you use a ‘green’ energy provider, you’re still responsible for releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. Climate change affects everyone on the planet, and if you have children, you’ll certainly be interested in protecting planet Earth for future generations. Take the first step on your road to a greener future by insulating your home.

4. Stay Cool. What many people don’t realise is that by insulating your home to keep warmth in during the winter, you also stay cool in summer. That’s because, if you use air conditioning during the summer months, insulating your home keeps heat out. So if you’re lucky enough to live in a region that’s prone to hot weather during the summer months, you can reduce the amount of energy you use then too. It’s a win-win situation – insulating your home can save you money all year round.

5. Looking After Your Investment. Your home is probably the most expensive thing you’ll ever buy. It’s also your biggest investment for the future. By making sure it’s properly insulated, you can dramatically increase the value of your property. As every estate agent knows, professionally insulated properties sell much faster and for more cash than those that aren’t. After all, what would you prefer to buy – a house that’s cold and expensive to heat or a similar property that’s cosy and cheap to run? Exactly!

6. Noise Elimination. Everyone knows that insulating your home keeps the cold out, but it also keeps another unwanted element out – noise! Wall and loft insulation, as well as double-glazing, is just as effective at keeping noise out all year round as it is at keeping the heat in your home during the winter. What’s more, if you’re an aspiring drummer, it keeps the noise in, so it could keep your neighbours happy too.

7. Feel Better. If you suffer from allergies, using natural methods to regulate the temperature in your home, such as insulating to keep heat in and opening windows to let it out can prevent the growth of certain allergens, such as microbes and spores. So by insulating your home properly, you’ll be better off in terms of health and wellbeing too.

October 1, 2011
7 Reasons Being Sunburnt Has Its Advantages

This is Simon Cowell. He wears his trousers too high and he’s sunburnt. Only the former of these is unacceptable, embarrassing and disadvantageous. The latter is simply a move of immense genius.

1. Opportunity. When you’re sunburnt you give off a lot of heat. Which is perfect if you’re a male escort. Most women like snuggling and/or a hot water bottle. You can combine your snuggling services with the warming effect of your skin and never be out of work again. Or at least until you start peeling.

2. Fancy Dress. Accompany your look with an amber t-shirt and a pair of green trousers and you will make a very fine set of traffic lights. You will also cause a lot of confusion on your walk home and no doubt a fair few accidents as a result. How is this good? Well, the council will love you because it means they can put tax up in order to fix the roads and the Police will love you as it means they can nick someone for dangerous driving and meet their quote for the month.

3. The Orange Effect. Have you ever laid in bed wondering whether you could pull an entire layer of skin off your body in one go? Very much as you would try and peel an orange? Being sunburnt offers you the best chance you will ever have. And even if you do fail, at least it’s good fun. Stick your dead skin under the microscope before you dispose of it too. It’s fascinating. And also rather chewy.

4. Seen, But Not Heard. There’s a reason Simon Cowell is sunburnt and it doesn’t simply come down to the fact that he forgot his Nivea lotion. It’s because he’s an egotistical maniac who loves to be noticed. And nothing gets you noticed more than when you’ve got a face that looks like you’ve spent a day in the company of a Red Indian. Also note the use of a white t-shirt to show just how red he is. It’s the perfect way to be seen on a night out. Try it.

5. Oops. No one likes being embarrassed, but if you have to be, the time to do it is when you are suffering with sunburn. No one will be able to see how uncomfortable you are. You can shrug it off and pretend you haven’t got a care in the world. You’ll be admired from head to toe.

6. Money. It’s sunny and it’s hot. You have £3 with you. What do you do? Do you (a) buy suncream or (b) buy an ice-cream? Think about it. Suncream won’t keep you cool, but ice-cream will. And for £3 you’ll probably get a flake too.

7. Invisible Clothes. Say you spend a day in the sun in nothing but a vest and a pair of shorts. Come 9am the next day you should be able to stand in front of the mirror, completely naked and yet still see yourself wearing a vest and pair of shorts. Like this guy here. That’s so cool. I mean ‘cool’ as in ‘wicked’. Not ‘cool’ as in ‘cool’. Because obviously it’s not ‘cool’. It’s really hot. And I don’t mean ‘hot’ as in ‘sexy’. Because obviously he’s not. To me anyway. At least, I think it’s a man. I don’t know. I can’t look at it anymore. It’s making me shiver.

September 27, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In South Africa

The nights are drawing in. The temperature is dropping. There is resentment in the air. Summer never arrived. As a result throngs of disgruntled Brits are marching on Heathrow. Destination holiday. But with so many countries to choose from, where do you buy a ticket to? Today Craig Patterson puts his humorous case forward for South Africa.

South Africa is a pretty amazing place; a country nicknamed the ‘Rainbow nation’ for its incredible cultural diversity and eclectic geography (as opposed to any parallels with the long running British children’s TV show featuring Geoffrey Hayes and a cast of rather off-beat puppet companions Zippy, Bungle and for some reason a camp hippo called George). South Africa is a vibrant and beautiful place that promises one of the most memorable and truly privileging experiences in the world. So let’s take a closer look at the seven reasons that make South Africa holidays so good.

1. ‘Damn Nature, You Scary!’ South Africa is home to some of the most iconic wildlife on the planet and nowhere else in Africa are you more likely to see the famous ‘Big Five’; like the fab four but considerably more toothy and considerably less Liverpudlian these were the animals once considered by colonial hunters as the most dangerous on the continent: lions, leopards, rhinos, elephants and Chuck Norris…I mean buffaloes. The Kruger National Park in the North East of the country is widely regarded as one of the richest and most diverse game reserves in all of Africa boasting an abundance of wildlife, and even the occasional hippo; although I can’t promise they will be either as camp or as pink as George. Safari holidays are becoming more and more popular and a break to South Africa promises a truly exhilarating experience.

2. Language And Time. Okay, so it might take an eleven and a half hour flight to get there but let’s face it, that’s just like watching all three extended editions of the Lord of the Rings films back to back; peace of cake. One great thing about travelling to South Africa for Western European tourists in particular is that it’s almost entirely down hill and by that I mean you fly on essentially the same longitude the whole way; so despite jumping on a rather lengthy flight you will still arrive in Cape Town or Johannesburg only 1 or 2 hours ahead of GMT. Cash back! Also thanks to a lengthy colonial occupation a vast majority of South Africans speak English, which perhaps unfortunately for some renders ineffectual that old British holiday-making ritual of trying to make other nationalities comprehend you by pointing at something and then saying it louder and slower again in English. This also presents a great opportunity to perfect your beloved South African accent; the one that everyone says sounds Russian but you know is spot on.

3. The Weather’s Great…Usually. The weather in South Africa is quite similar to the climate in Britain in the same way that Blue Nun is quite similar to Dom Perignon. The country actually promises pleasant conditions throughout the year although there is a discernible seasonal shift around September and April. Thanks to the wizardry of astrophysics and the orbital tilt of the planet’s axis as a country in the Southern Hemisphere South Africa experiences apposite seasonal changes to its hemispherical counterparts ‘up north’ meaning that when it is British winter it is in fact South African summer. Not only does this assert the country as a great winter warmer destination, but the cooler drier period from June to September is actually the best time for game viewing and perfectly timed for a jolly summer holiday. All of this said South Africa is prone to its occasional climatic clanger and only as recently as this year many residents in the Eastern Cape awoke to a blanket of thick snow, maybe not so different eh?

4. Malaria Free. Unlike most other destinations in Southern Africa, South Africa is almost entirely malaria free with only the very north-eastern reaches moderately at risk. A lot of people presume that when they travel to South Africa they will have to prescribe to a cocktail of pills and drugs that Keith Richards would be proud of, but thanks to the geographical location of the country travellers and perhaps young children in particular needn’t worry about the effects of those infamous and much belied bloodsuckers, no not the HMRC, mosquitoes.

5. Nelson Says So. The Granddad that everyone wishes they had, Nelson Mandela, is an icon, not only in South Africa but across the globe. The former president was notoriously imprisoned for over 27 years for his role in the anti apartheid movement much of which he spent on Robben Island. To trace the history and evolution of modern South Africa is a wonderful thing and there are many museums and exhibits dedicated to the country’s colourful and undeniably tumultuous past. Mandela still epitomises the hope and spirit shared by millions of South Africans for a bright and fruitful future. He also looks just like Morgan Freeman who incidentally played him in 2009 biopic, Invictus – a little pub ammo for you.

6. Cape Town. Cape Town is a pretty hip and happening place and is the most visited destination within the most visited country in Africa. Originally established by the Dutch who stopped by for a smoke and a pancake in the mid 17th century and decided to stay, today Cape Town is a busy metropolis, although interestingly not the outright capital as South Africa actually has three – make up your minds guys. With such famous sights as the V&A waterfront, Table Mountain and the nearby Cape of Good Hope as well as a plethora (great word, just rolls off the tongue) of boutique shops restaurants and bars there will be something to keep everyone entertained.

7. Affordable. You might think that a holiday to South Africa would cost you an arm and a leg (I suppose it might depending upon how close you get to the lions) but in fact you don’t have to be the CEO of De Beers to afford even a relatively luxurious trip. The incredible variety of experiences on offer in South Africa means that whatever budget you have to work with you can still see the best of this country. OK, so you’re understandably going to have to fork out more than you would for a long weekend in Whitby but in a time when the purse strings are even tighter than usual you can still enjoy an ‘exotic’ break at a competitive price.

September 24, 2011
7 Reasons To Go Out Into The Wind

If you’re in Britain at all which, in 7 Reasons terms, is statistically likely, you can’t have failed to notice that it’s extraordinarily, astonishingly, epically windy outside at the moment. But the wind isn’t a bad thing. In fact, going out into the wind could well be the best thing for you. Here are seven reasons why.

I shall probably have nightmares featuring this image.

1. You’ll Have More Time. Have you any idea how much of your life is spent drying your hair? Absolutely loads. You’d probably find it amounts to years, if you were to spend even more time adding it all up. But you can save all that time. If you go outside into the wind, you’ll have drier hair. You hair will not only dry quickly, but it’s so windy out there that it will possibly remain dry forever. It’ll be drier than a salty desert; drier than a dry martini that has evaporated in the sun; drier than a Mormon in a towel; drier than fire (though hopefully not the same colour). If you go outside right now, you’ll never, ever need to dry your hair again. That’s like being given the gift of time.

2. You’ll Be More Beautiful. Competing cosmetics brands spend billions of pounds, dollars, euros, ringgits, zlotys and yen trying to convince us their product is the best for us. One of the things that they all agree on though, is that exfoliating is the key to naturally beautiful skin. If you go out into the wind right now, you’ll find that exfoliation is free. You’ll find that the wind is so strong that layers of dead skin are blown clean away from your face, leaving you both ruddy and beautiful. You’ll be ruddy beautiful. You might find that so many layers of skin are blown away that you’re left with your original baby-skin which, as we all know, is the softest, most lovely thing in the world outside of a gin distillery. And it’s free.

3. You’ll Be Sexier. What’s the universally acknowledged sexiest moment in film? No, it’s not the scene where Meg Ryan gets excited about sandwiches (unless you’re a weirdo, a pervert or are very hungry), it’s the scene from the The Seven Year Itch where, gently wafted by a breeze emanating from a subway grate, Marilyn Monroe’s dress billows upward revealing something hitherto unimagined by unsuspecting filmgoers. Women have legs! This is the universally acknowledged most sensual moment in the history of cinema. Similarly, if you go out into the wind in a dress you’ll find that it will billow, ripple and balloon too. The wind’s so strong at the moment that it’ll probably blow clean over your head. Just by doing the maths you can tell that an incident that reveals that much more flesh and structural garments will make you many times sexier than Marilyn Monroe in the sexiest cinema moment ever. You’ll be the sexiest woman in the world, even if you’re a man. If you want to be sexy, you need the wind.

4. You’ll Be Healthier. What’s the key to health? Exercise. Want exercise? Go outside right now. I went out into the garden earlier and soon found myself vaulting over a wall and giving chase to a garden ornament belonging to my son that had been suddenly taken by the wind and was skittering down the street. After a sprinting for many, many yards past several startled neighbours and a wild-eyed dog I caught up with it and trapped it with my foot. As I returned to my garden with the turquoise windmill spinning wildly in my hand I knew I was fitter for the unexpected exercise. I looked like an idiot, but you can’t have everything.

5. You’ll Be Wealthier. There are untold riches just waiting for you out there in the wind. Want to profit from this literal windfall? Here’s how: Firstly, go out into your garden and make sure that everything you own outside in the wind is secure. Secondly, go inside and wait. When the wind stops blowing, you’ll find that you have all sorts of new treasure. You’ll have bags, you’ll have paper stuff, you’ll have new plants, you’ll probably have a dress and a turquoise windmill. You’ll have booty! Absolutely anything could turn up. It’s like a free lucky dip or a meteorological tombola. A windswept sweepstake. A gale lottery. Weather bingo!

6. You’ll Be Wiser. Remember the Aesop fable about the sun and the wind having a bet to see if they could make a man remove his cloak and the wind failing abjectly at this task? No? Go outside with a cloak on then and see if you want to take it off. That’s practical learning. Plus you might be able to use it to fly.

7. You’ll Feel Better. What do Scandinavian types do to cheer themselves up when their favourite elk dies or they find that their new wardrobe has one bolt missing and the instructions have apparently been translated into gibberish? They get into the sauna and beat themselves with twigs and leaves. No one knows why they do this*, but they claim that it makes them feel good. So imagine how great you’ll feel when you go outside and stand next to a tree. At the moment, you’ll be beaten black and blue by all manner of twigs and leaves swirling round in the air at improbable speeds. You’ll be battered into happiness, buffeted into joy, knocked about into light-heartedness and marmalised into merriment. You’ll feel better than you ever have in your life. Go outside right now, it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done! Oh, and can you pick up something for my dinner while you’re out there? I’m staying in.

*Okay, someone probably does.

September 12, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons I Am Most Probably Half-Greek

We’ve never really mentioned publicly our gratitude those of you who submit guest posts. Mainly because the vast majority of them give writing a bad name. One lady who hops, skips and jumps her way to the other end of the spectrum though, is Things To Do In Manchester supremo, Liz Gregory. Regular 7 Reasons readers will remember with great fondness Liz’s previous posts about dolphin’s embodying the devil and mince pies. So you, like us, will be delighted to see her back on the 7 Reasons sofa today. Though it has to be said she looks like she’s having a bit of an κρίση ταυτότητας. And if that sounds greek to you, that’s because it is. Here’s Liz:

Having recently returned to rain-drenched Britain after a week in Kefalonia, I have decided that I am not in fact a pasty-faced Mancunian but indeed something far more exotic. I realise now that I am at least half Greek, and can offer the following evidence to any doubters (including, perhaps reasonably, family members).

1. The Weather. In Greece, it is sunny. Always. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the temperatures in Greece are actually just silly. Such heat makes any kind of strenuous activity impossible, and forces one to spend the entire day lying quietly by the pool, drinking cold beer in a frosted glass, and occasionally having a quick frolic in the water to cool off. I found, to my surprise, that I was good – no, make that very good – at doing this; I would even say I was something of a natural.

2. My Wardrobe. I essentially wear the same clothes all year round, and am the proud owner of approximately 1,297 pretty much identical little dresses with flowers on them (or sometimes, a daring stripe). Imagine my delight to find that in Greece, such items can actually be worn ON THEIR OWN, without the addition of cardigans, thick tights and leggings (sometimes all at once) – a truly liberating feeling.

3. The Tan. For reasons hitherto beyond my comprehension, I have skin that tans exceptionally easily; this is now easily explained by my new-found Greek heritage. I have returned from my holiday a most pleasing colour, which looks all the more striking when cunningly accessorised with an obviously non-Greek husband who appears to have come back paler than when he went.

4. The Food – Part One. My favourite crisps in the whole wide world (and I am quite a connoisseur if I do say so myself) are Walkers Sensations. In Greece, these are called Lays Sensations. I like this name better, and am therefore obviously both a/ Greek and b/ the owner of a very mature sense of humour.

5. The Food – Part Two. One of the best bits of being on ANY holiday is that you are forced to eat out every night, and are thereby released from the drudgery of trying to think up exciting new ways with the excess of whatever item is dominating the vegetable box this week. Greek food is particularly rewarding, offering meaty goodness at every turn and merrily deep-frying any passing vegetable until all its nutrients are safely neutralised. I am clearly cut out for this kind of diet, as I have come back weighing less than I did before, despite eating a kilo of bread before every meal and consuming three cows and a lamb during the course of my stay.

6. The Alcohol. I am not really one for drinking spirits in the UK, preferring to up my 5-a-day fruit and vegetable quota by having wine instead. However, I enjoy both Ouzo and *whispers* Metaxa Brandy, and only a properly Greek person could say that.

7. My Promising Fluency In The Greek Language. Obviously, the Greek language does itself no favours by using silly squiggles and shapes instead of proper letters, but despite such obstacles I found myself in full possession of an almost entire vocabulary after just a few days. I can say: hello, good morning, good evening, goodbye, please, cheers, how are you, and very well thank you; what more, frankly, does one need? By the way, all the haters on Twitter who suggested I should learn the useful phrase “more please” were roundly ignored.

So there you go; incontrovertible proof of my inherent Greek-ness. Now all I have to do is sort the maths out, as I’m fairly sure I’m half Spanish and half Italian as well…

August 20, 2011
7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympic Medal Isn’t Very British

A year today the XXX Olympiad will be declared open in London. Today – for reasons I have failed to establish – Britain is celebrating this fact. As part of these celebrations, the medal which will be awarded to winners (as well as first and second losers) has been unveiled. The gold version looks like this:

Now, I know what you are thinking. It’s not very British. Which is why we here at 7 Reasons have designed seven alternatives.

1. Weather. Despite our recent protestations it does seem that the vast majority of Britons love the weather. And certainly, if you ask a foreigner, they’ll say we are absolutely obsessed with it. So why didn’t we celebrate that?

2. Chavs. I can’t say I’m a massive fan, but chavs as fundamental a part of British society as Morecambe & Wise, fish & chips and Andrew Strauss’ jock-strap.

3. Tea. For some bizarre and unfathomable reason one half of the 7 Reasons team doesn’t drink tea. I dare say he also harbours a deep desire to be French. Still, we can’t go around catering for one misinformed individual. The fact is, tea is British (possibly via China) and Britishness is tea. And we should have celebrated it.

4. Royalty. Another very British trait is our love for the Royal Family. At least it is if you ask an American. Goodness knows how they’d react if they ever met a Republican. Of all the Royals though, there is particular fondness and admiration for the Queen. Which is why this medal celebrates Freddie Mercury’s moustache.

5. Queue. Unlike the French who riot (or go on strike) if someone beats them to a till, us Brits love a good queue. We could be in it for hours and not even stifle a yawn. We’ll be dealt with eventually. Just bide your time Britain, bide your time. And wear a queuing medal.

6. Pride. We don’t moan, we don’t complain, we don’t sulk. We just suck in the big ones, take it on the chin and carry on. That is the British way. Which is why we’d have liked to have seen Usain Bolt wearing a medal that depicts Leslie Ash’s stiff upper lip.

7. Beer. When the day is done and the battle has been won, there is nothing that hits the spot quite like a warm beer with a massive head.

July 27, 2011
7 Reasons The Flying Car Has Issues

Well, we might not be getting our hoverboards anytime soon, but it looks as if the flying car could be on our driveway as soon as next year. This is the Terrafugia Transition®:

Hunktastic, huh? And this is what it looks like when it’s taking you to work:

That’s a slice of heaven right there. The concept is undoubtedly genius. We have all been sat in traffic wishing we could take-off then and there. In reality though, the Terrafugia Transition® poses a number of problems. Seven of them.

1. Branding. We have already had a look at some of the worst product names out there and while the Terrafugia brand probably wouldn’t quite make that list, the name still worries me. ‘Terra’ obviously means ‘ground’, but I think of it just as it sounds. ‘Terror’. Would I get in a Virgin Nightmare? Or a Qantas Shock? Or a British Airways Screamer? Not a bloody chance. So would I get in a Terrafugia? Not a bloody chance. And sadly I am probably not alone. Why didn’t they call themselves Smoothflight or something equally camp, cliched and assuring?

2. Take-off. The take-off speed of this thing is apparently over 100mph. Its max speed on the ground is 62mph. I used to think I was good at maths.

3. Enough Room To Swing A 6-Iron. On the Transition® page of the Terrafugia website it gives you a list of conveniences. There are six and mostly things you’d want to hear. Rear-wheel drive and automated electromechanical folding wing being two. And then we get to the end of the list. And you start reading. And then you read it again. And again. And then you realise you are reading it correctly. You realise it does say, ‘Cargo area holds golf clubs’. Not ‘cargo area holds 50kg’ or ‘cargo area holds eight thousand pairs of pants’, but ‘cargo area holds golf clubs’! Why? Why would you do that? You have just alienated everyone who needs somewhere to put their cricket bat. Or a suitcase.

4. Landing. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason this aircar has been designed with the discerning golfer in mind. Once you’ve taken off, you need to have somewhere to land. In fairness you could probably have worked that out for yourself, but there’s probably no harm in me helping you out. Where the hell do you land this thing though? You need a fair bit of room. You might get squashed by a 747 at Gatwick and fields might be a bit bumpy. The last thing you need is a scarecrow entering your cockpit. So the obvious alternative therefore are the lush, smooth fairways of a nearby golf-course.

5. Dizzy. There are naughty people around. Naughty people who steal wing mirrors. I don’t think they would need too much convincing to nick a non-mirrored wing. The problem is though, just as you might not notice a missing wing-mirror when you get in the car, you might not notice a missing wing. You’d end up flying around in circles.

6. Time. This is a bit like the Aesop fable, The Tortoise and The Hare. Just a modern version for modern times. The Hare is the plane. It’s clearly quicker. As the crow flies, it would get from A to B in twice or thrice the speed of the car. But only if it was a crow. The problem is that the plane needs to use an airfield to take-off and land (they’re not really allowed to land on Royal St. George’s). Which means first the plane has to be a car to drive from A to an airfield. Then it can do its funky flying bit. Only its funky flying bit will take it to an airfield miles away from B. Then the plane needs to be a car again. Meanwhile the car can be a car and get stuck on the M40, M25 and M23 and still beat the plane (which is now a car) back to B. It kind of defeats the object of having a propeller.

7. Always Take The Weather With You. The manufacturers advise you not to fly if the weather is inclement. I can go down to Poundland (and ask someone to go inside for me) and get a kite for £1. A kite flies beautifully in inclement weather. I would therefore expect a £180,000 aircar to fly 180,000 times more beautifully in inclement weather, not crash to the earth because it got whacked by a hailstone. Unbelievable.

July 25, 2011
7 Reasons The British Obsession With Weather Is A Myth

This evening sees a new programme come to BBC One. It’s called The Great British Weather and features Alexander Henry Fenwick Armstrong, Chris Hollins and Carol Kirkwood telling us why we are obsessed with weather. Well, let us tell you something right now. We aren’t. And that’s ‘we’ in royal sense too. We really aren’t. It’s a complete myth. Here’s why:

1. Greeting. It is often commented upon that talk of the weather is the first topic of conversation one enters when meeting someone else. That is certainly true here at 7 Reasons sofaquarters. When Marc and I park our posteriors on the cushions of destiny our first acknowledgement is that we arrived rather wet. Or, if it’s not Summer, rather dry. This is not because we particularly care about the weather, it’s because this is how the British greet each other. The Americans comment on how many pancakes they had that morning, the Japanese comment on how tall they are feeling and the French snog each other. It’s an ice-breaker.

2. Meaning. The word ‘obsession’ means, according to my sources, the domination of one’s thoughts. To dominate your thoughts I reckon the subject must be thought about at least 50% of the time. And if that failed to make sense, read the next sentence – it’s much clearer. For someone to be obsessed with the weather they need to be thinking of the weather more than twelve hours a day. And not even South East Today’s weather girl, Kaddy-Lee Preston, does that. I know this because she likes break dancing, techno music and goats. And as I am sure you’ll know, when you’ve got goats on the brain there is simply not enough time to get obsessed with weather.

3. Stats. In a Daily Telegraph article last October, Murray Wardrop (apparently the unthinking man’s Murray Walker) said this, ‘Our obsession with the weather runs so deep that almost 70% of British people check the weather forecast at least once a day’. No Murray dear, this is not because we are obsessed, it is because we don’t want to wear our Bermuda shorts if it’s going to be a monsoon out there. I go to the fridge at least five times a day. Does this make me obsessed with the little light that goes on and off as I open and close the door? I think not.

4. Observation. “Good gracious,” I exclaimed, “she’s a big girl!” Those are the very words I used the other day when watching a TV programme. I can’t remember what it was, but I remember the big girl. Now, I didn’t say these words because I am obsessed with big girls. I’m not. Nor am I obsessed with small girls if that’s what you are wondering. In fact I never have been. Except when I was small myself. It seemed acceptable then. Anyway, I seem to be veering from the point. The reason I exclaimed that there was a big girl on the TV is because I was surprised. I genuinely wasn’t expecting someone quite so vuluptuous to appear right there, right then. Which is why I felt the need to announce my observation to anyone who would listen. It is exactly the same situation as if I had looked to my left and noticed whites flakes. “Good gracious,” I would have exclaimed, “it’s snowing in July!”. The line between observation and obsession is so vast I am astounded people can blur it so readily.

5. Media. Remember the Big Freeze last year that killed 60,000 people? No, neither do I. Though that is what the Sunday Express sensationally suggested.

It’s the British tabloid press that are obsessed with the weather and sadly we, the public, are tarred with the same brush. I suppose we should be thankful that the revelations of the last few weeks mean The Sunday Express are very unlikely to continue hacking Michael Fish’s phone.

6. Popular Culture. The film The Day After Tomorrow – which was pretty much an entire celebration of extreme weather – brought in just over £25 Million at the UK box office. In the same year Spider-Man 2 brought in nearly £1.5 Million more. Admitedly the film did feature Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, but if you are suggesting we went to watch it just because of that I won’t believe you. Just to be on the safe side though, Shrek 2 brought is nearly £48 Million in the UK alone. And at no point is the weather mentioned. So I think that proves, in 2004 at least, Brits were more obsessed by Cameron Diaz looking like a green ugly thing than the weather.

7. Me. If the British obsession with the weather wasn’t a myth; if it were as true as you and I existing on this very day; if we all loved rain and shine and celebrated each as we celebrate our birthday. ~~Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son~~! Then I wouldn’t be wasting my morning writing about the blasted thing would I?

*The Great British Weather starts on BBC One tonight at 7.30pm. Yay!

July 13, 2011