Tag: wear

Sponsored Post: 7 Reasons It Takes A Watch To Say Sorry

Yeah. You messed up. Big time.

But don’t worry, you’ve found the ultimate relationship advice column from a fat, single American. How do you fix everything? Do what any self-respecting American would do: Buy an expensive imported product for him or her!

Not only do I have a sexy selection of timepieces to choose from, but I’ve got a watch for every specific screw-up. From offending your mother-in-law to skipping out on Sunday dinner with the extended family, there is a watch that will make things all better. So without further ado…

1. Screw-up: You burnt the roast you cooked for his boss coming over for dinner. Solution: The Mondaine Evo Chronograph watch.

OK, so the turkey was slightly drier than Cousin Catherine’s rubberized masterpiece in Christmas Vacation. You know he’ll never retaliate by leaving the burgers on the grill too long with this Swiss chronograph from Mondaine watches.

2. Screw-up: You deleted Project Runway off of your TiVo. Solution: The Wenger Alpine Crystal watch.

Alright, man—she’s not buying that you did it on “accident”, so stop trying to sell it. (We both know it was intentional anyway.) Any fashionista would be proud to sport this blinged-out lavender head-turner on her wrist. Eat your heart out, Heidi.

3. Screw-up: You refused to let him go paintballing for a bachelor party. Solution: The Wenger Standard Issue XL watch.

The only way to make sure he stayed in one piece and could still be the father of your futures kids was to not let him go. Now he refuses to do the yard work to get back at you. Get him this Wenger watch with its steel case and heavy duty strap, and he won’t be able to wait to try out its toughness while cleaning the gutters and re-shingling the roof.

4. Screw-up: You faked an illness to skip the marriage retreat. Then she came home and found you drinking beer, smoking cigars and playing pinochle with your buddies. Solution: The Tense Sandalwood Digital watch.

In your defense, all of the cigar smoke and Guinness did end up making you quite sick. But get her the latest from Tense watches, and she’ll be proud to wrap the all Maple piece around her wrist when you go on the nature hike. At the marriage retreat next weekend.

5. Screw-up: You put his favorite watch through the washing machine and ruined it. Solution: The Casio G-Shock Retro-Vintage watch.

Let’s face it—his old sports watch was grimy and filthy; it needed a good cleaning. How could you possibly be expected to not try and get sparkling again? Get him the brand that everyone who’s anyone in the hip-hop industry is rocking today. This all white G-Shock watch would be fit for the couch or one of Diddy Dirty Money’s white parties.

6. Screw-up: You feel guilty that she just bought you a new white G-Shock. Solution: The Casio Baby-G Multifunction watch.

She gave you such a baller watch that her nasty old leather piece looks awful. So getting her the matching model from Baby-G watches will score you some major points (Just in case you accidentally sell something she loves at your next yard sale).

7. Screw-Up: You accidentally sell something he loves at your next yard sale. Solution: The Fossil Ansel watch.

Hey, it goes both ways. So he’ll never have his old teddy bear, first baseball mitt or birth certificate ever again—he’ll get over it pretty quickly with this classy Fossil watch. It never needs a battery, so it will never stop living—just like your love, even after all of these mishaps.

Author Bio: Post contributed by Barrie on behalf of Watchco.

May 5, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Should Never Wear A Pink Personalised T-Shirt

“Pink T-Shirt?! PINK T-SHIRT?!?!?! Are you…? Are you…serious? Why is that guy wearing that? Pink?! REALLY?!”

The above is, believe it or not, an abbreviated (and cleaner) version of the thought process racing through a man or woman’s head when they spot that rare and ridiculous beast: the pink T-shirt-wearing male.

Here is a fun list of reasons you should NOT be that beast:

1. All Aboard The Camp-er Van. OK. Let’s start with the reason that most red-blooded males will put at the top: it’s camp. A pink t-shirt is camp. And wearing a pink t-shirt is even camper. If you deem yourself to be camp, well that’s fine. You are what you wear. But if you’re not camp, well then a pink t-shirt is just not for you. Many things in life are said to be impossible. But they’re not really. Wearing a pink t-shirt and not looking camp, however, is. You just can’t do it. Wearing a pink t-shirt gives off certain signals you see. Like using straighteners on your hair or painting your nails. People might just think you care a little TOO much about your appearance. And that makes you a tart.

2. I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty. Unconvinced by the last point? This is the 21st century, right? We can straighten our hair and wear nail varnish and put on our mummy’s dresses and sing West Side Story. Errr…no…no you can’t. Metro sexuality was a passing fad to shift product. It’s gone now. Wave goodbye. Basic traditions stand the test of time for a reason.

3. Why? Just Why? Think of all the other personalised t shirts colours you could wear…
BLACK: Mysterious.
WHITE: Clean and cool.
RED: ROAR!
YELLOW: Summer time.
GREEN: …Dude…
BLUE: Cool.
PINK….now tell me, after that list, pink doesn’t NATURALLY strike you as a little odd.

4. Pink Is Not For Girls. Even WOMEN don’t really wear pink. Think about Angie at the Oscars. Elizabeth Hurley in THAT dress. Black is sexy. Red is feisty. Pink doesn’t often make the list for chicks, so…cased close?

5. You’re Fired. OK so you want three more reasons. You greedy piglets. Ladies and gentleman of the jury I refer you to the excellent, internationally-loved cartoon series The Simpsons. In the episode ‘Stark Raving Dad’ Homer is fired from work by Mr. Burns for being a “free-thinking anarchist” BECAUSE he wore a PINK SHIRT to work! So in Simpson-world it’s OFFICIALLY CRAZY. And let us NOT forget, ladies and gentleman of the jury, that Homer wore that pink shirt by MISTAKE! He washed his reds with his whites. He did NOT BUY a pink shirt.

6. It’s Not Rocket Science. If you want us to go all technical on you, we will. PINK is scientifically proven to only go with a very select amount of skin tones. We are pink and peachy and pasty and black and white and brown and NONE OF THOSE, not ONE is supposed to be a great fit with pink. Don’t blame us. BLAME SCIENCE.

7. Horticultural Impact. The word Pink comes from flowers…

BONUS REASON: Try Google image searching ‘Brad Pitt wearing pink personalised T-shirt’ or George Clooney or Johnny Depp. NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING can be found.

March 16, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need To Own A Breitling Watch

I think it’s fair to say that when it comes to timekeeping, 7 Reasons wouldn’t be your go-to guys. The promise we gave you was that we would always post at 9 a.m.. Not a minute before and certainly not twelve hours after. The latter, frustratingly for all of us, is what happens/happened more than we’d like/have liked. If only we had a decent watch. A Breitling for instance. Judging by today’s 7 Reasons guest writers – Time2 Luxury Watches – they sound like the perfect solution to our timekeeping failings.

***

Luxury watches are cool. That’s not reason number one, incidentally, that’s just a little fact for you. And Breitling watches are cooler than most. To be perfectly honest, when it comes to why you should have a Breitling strapped to your wrist, it’s pretty tricky to narrow the reasons down to seven. You may want to get some J-Lo style body insurance going on, though, as most of these luxury Swiss watches tip the scales between £5,000-10,000…
….got that hand insurance sorted? Then let’s look at the seven reasons why you need a Breitling watch in your life.

1. They’re Swiss. To be fair, most luxury watches ARE Swiss, but not many hold a candle to Breitling when it comes to being effortlessly cool. That’s why you’re very unlikely to find A-List celebrities rocking lesser known luxury Swiss watches like a Golana (not a subsidiary of Gola) or a Skagen. In the same way you wouldn’t find an A-lister driving a Skoda. Breitling watches are synonymous with cool, the question is, ‘Are you cool enough to wear one?’

2. They’re Lifesavers. In the interests of full disclosure, not all Breitling watches are lifesavers. But they do have a collection called Emergency – typically sported by pilots and Indiana Jones types. They come fitted with an emergency distress beacon which can be activated in the most distressing of circumstances – such as crashing your luxury private jet in the desert or on a tropical island inhabited by black smoke and bad actors – á la Lost.

3. You’ll Get Yourself A Celebrity Wife. Brad Pitt wears a Breitling and he’s married to Angelina Jolie. Need I say more? Yes? Well, OK, Tom Cruise wears a Breitling and he’s married to, err, Katie Holmes…..don’t hold that against them.

4. It’ll Get You a Good Job. If you turn up to a job interview rocking one of these luxury watches, it won’t matter that you were booted out of your last job as an investment banker for losing your company billions of pounds. One look at the Breitling on your wrist and they’ll see that you’re a good egg and worthy of their employment.

5. Just Look At Them. Seriously, just take a look at some of the Breitling watches on the market. Difficult to deny they are pretty impressive timepieces – see a couple of the more striking (and expensive) ones below:

6. It Could Be Your Nest-Egg. Luxury watches, and Breitlings in particular, hold their value particularly well. So, if you suffer the misfortune of falling on hard times and you want some caviar money, you could always hock your Breitling to keep you in the fish eggs that you have become accustomed to.

7. You’ll Know What Time It Is. An obvious point, perhaps, and a perk which is by no means limited to Breitling watches, but one that shouldn’t be overlooked. You will know what the time is. So, if a pretty lady asks you the time (which she will…..you’re wearing a Breitling), you’ll be able to tell her that it’s time to get her coat.

November 25, 2011
7 Reasons To Wear A Traffic Cone On Your Head

This post needs no introduction, so I won’t write one. Apart from this bit obviously. Not that you needed to bother reading it. Right, on with the reasons.

Duke Of Wellington With Cone by Mr Cumbo

1. Hideout. If you’ve just bottled someone in a nightclub by mistake, the chances are you are going to be beaten up and/or arrested unless you get out of there quickly. Your best option is to run to the nearest set of roadworks, pop a traffic cone on your head and crouch. You’ll blend in perfectly.

2. Pointers. If you are a really short teacher or an astronomer, you may find yourself needing to point upwards for long, extended periods. Anyone would struggle with this, which is why popping a cone on your head is the perfect solution. Not only will you be pointing up on a constant basis, you will also have two hands with which to haul yourself up onto the desk so those at the back of the class can see you. You can also pretend to be an alien. That could be fun.

3. Safety. In my youth I used to go out drinking with friends. More often than not one English Breakfast led to an Earl Grey and then an Assam. Of course under such circumstances I almost certainly missed the last bus home. That meant I had to walk. Living out of town meant walking along dark, country lanes. On more than one occasion was I caught like a rabbit in the headlights. If only I had thought, I could have popped a traffic cone on my head and I’d have been spotted miles off. Instead of my usual avoidance tactic which involved diving into the nearest hedge. Mind you, given the amount of tea I had had to drink, it proved a relief in more than one way.

4. Unblemished. Despite leaving my adolescence in the 1990s, I still find spots sprouting whenever they bloody well feel like it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the acne-ridden four-eyed geek I used to be, but waking up to discover a whitehead in the middle of your forehead isn’t exactly the best start to the day. Over the years my body became immune to all the spot relieving treatments I attacked it with, so these days I have to use a different tactic. Sometimes it’s a fringe, but when my hair is too short for that, it’s a traffic cone. It covers the blemish up beautifully.

5. Fun Of The Fair. Walk around any fairground with a traffic cone on your head and you will almost certainly collect dozens of hoops. It’s instinctive. See a cone, try and get your hoop over it. You may get the odd whack in the face for your trouble, but you will definitely pick up hoops. Then you can go to the stall of your choice, have twenty-five free goes at trying to win a cuddly toy or a goldfish in a Tesco bag and then start again. It’s a cheap day out which is particularly useful if you’re a a bit chavvy and have eight children to keep entertained.

6. On Loan. Given the amount of idiots who steal traffic cones and take them back to their halls of residence, is it really any wonder why road works take so long to complete? It’s health and safety. If there aren’t enough cones, you’re not allowed to dig. Which is why you should offer you cone wearing services to them. Just go up to them in their morning/afternoon/all-day tea break and say you’ll happily stand in the road for a few hours. Not only will you earn a little extra cash, they’ll even pop you on the back of the truck and give you a free lift home. Well, to the depot anyway.

7. Likeable. A favourite pastime of people all over the world – as demonstrated by the above photo – is putting a traffic cone on a statue’s head. Instantly the statue becomes far more interesting. More people stand and point and smile. More people take photos of it than they would if it was sans cone. So my advice to you is to live by this example. If you’re not naturally likeable, put a cone on your head.

October 17, 2011
7 Reasons A Cravat Is The Way Forward

With just nine months to go until I become a man, I have been looking at what I shall wear on the day. My cricket whites were voted out in the first round so it looks like I will be going the top hat and tails route. With the cravat. It’s the way forward. Not just for marriages, for all time.

1. Sophistication. When you see a man in a cravat, you can tell exactly what sort of man he is. Debonaire, suave, handsome, wealthy, intelligent and affable. You see how easy it can be to fool people.

2. Silk. No, not the fabric kind, the Robert Kilroy kind. When he founded the now largely unheard of Veritas Political Party in 2005 he set out his vision using the immortal line, “An end to cravats!”. A rather odd call given that the country was then being led by Blair and Prescott. Hardly two men who were in a rush to don a necktie before breakfast. Anyway, since then Veritas and Kilroy-Silk have done little but go backwards which surely suggests one needs a cravat to go forwards.

3. Achievement. The last time I wore something around my neck – apart from a tie and a forearm while playing rugby at Loughborough University – was when I was a cub. And, as I may have said previously on 7 Reasons, I was a bloody good cub. I had badges and woggles and wiggles and dobs and dibs all over my room. I was that good. And really, the only thing that stopped me continuing as a cub, was that I got old. And as soon as I got old I stopped achieving things. Well, badges anyway. Until now I couldn’t work out why. Then I realised. It’s because I am not wearing anything around my neck. If I want badges again, I need to wear a cravat.

4. Handkerchief. The difficulty with a tie is that when you wipe your nose on it, the remnants are there for all to see. There’s really no where to hide it. A cravat though is tucked inside the shirt, which means if you wipe carefully with the edge of the material it can easily be hidden from view.

5. Present. A cravat is the kind of item that can easily be presented to your father, uncle or grandfather should you forget that it is his birthday. You could hardly whip off your trousers and hand them to him could you? But a cravat, of course you could.

6. Unbuttoned Shirt. The problem with a tie – apart from the fact that one in every four features a button that when pressed plays Jingle Bells – is that they are not very practical when it comes to allowing you to breath. It’s not necessarily the tie that has the strangling effect, it’s the shirt. When the top button is done up and the collar closes in around the neck breathing becomes a chore. Either that or the shirt is so big that it makes you look like you’ve been very ill recently. A cravat, though, allows you to keep the shirt unbuttoned. It allows you both to breath and not look ill. And that has to be the way forward. If you want to live.

7. In The Club. Despite extensive research I have not been able to find a single Cravat Club or Appreciation Society in the world. I have found the Odd Sock Society, the Anstey Nomads Underwear Supporters (ANUS) and the Cod Piece Collective, but nothing through which you could celebrate the cravat. How can that be? Well the answer is simple. It’s because the cravat hasn’t had its time yet. It’s ahead of its time. To wear a cravat now is to be a trendsetter. You could be like the guy who bought a Betamax player. Or a Sinclair C5. Get ahead now.

September 21, 2011
7 Reasons To Wear A Top Hat

Hello 7 Reasons readers. I’m almost breathless with excitement as I’ve just worked out what we should all be wearing and it’s…a top hat. Here’s why.

1. You Can Cause A Stir. The sight of the top hat was initially shocking; according to an officer of the Crown the wearer of the first one, James Hetherington “…appeared on the public highway wearing upon his head what he called a silk hat (which was shiny luster and calculated to frighten timid people)”, he also stated that “…several women fainted at the unusual sight, while children screamed, dogs yelped and a younger son of Cordwainer Thomas was thrown down by the crowd which collected and had his right arm broken”. Now, top hats are less shocking these days than they were in the eighteenth century, but you’ll still cut a dash.

2. It Will Make Us Better At Sport. Now it might not be immediately obvious why this is so and you’re probably thinking that surely a top hat would be a little cumbersome to wear during sport, and you’d be right too. But let’s look at what happened the last time top hats were popular; one of the most popular pastimes for urchins (after picking pockets, bursting into song, pilfering roasted chestnuts and suffering from rickets) was knocking the top hats off gentlemen by hurling things at them. Surely this would be just as much fun for modern children (and me, come to think of it). In fact, knocking people’s top hats off would be all the motivation that our young people would need to spend their time diligently honing their throwing actions, and pursuing them after they’d done so would improve their running skills too. If we wore top hats, we’d surely see an improvement in cricketing standards some way down the line.

3. It’s An Act Of Benevolence. When was the last time that you saw someone with a tall cylindrical head? That’s right, you probably haven’t, and do you know why? That’s because unfortunates with heads shaped like the funnels of steamships probably feel too self-conscious to leave the house. So what better way of restoring to them a normal, dignified life would there be than for us all to wear top hats? Then having a tall cylindrical head would cease to be a stigma for sufferers who could disguise it with a top hat themselves.

4. It’s An Egalitarian Act. At the moment, the foremost wearers of top hats in the UK are Eton schoolboys, but should Etonians get all the fun? After all, they get to spend years wearing a top hat and, eventually, they get to run the country too. If we want a more equitable society then we need to reclaim the top hat from the privileged few and wear it ourselves. We may not get to be in charge, but we’ll look bloody marvellous while we’re going about our business of not running things while in a really good hat. We’ll be recovering a grand traditional item of apparel that is as quintessentially British as cheese and chutney sandwiches or being attacked by a wasp in a beer garden. What’s more, we’ll be reclaiming it for the masses. That’s us!

5. It’s A Practical Hat. Nowadays almost everyone has at least one digital camera with them when they go out, but people rarely carry tripods. A top hat though, with its horizontal surface is an ideal camera platform. You can also keep your camera in your top hat as there’s a fair bit of storage space there. You can use it to store other things too; biscuits, a small owl, a good book, a book by Dan Brown, a series of smaller top hats ever diminishing in size: The list of things you can carry in there is boundless. In fact, ironically, the list of things you can store in your top hat is so large that it’s one of the few things that you won’t be able to store in your top hat. You’d need a cavernous hat to store the list in; a veritable behemoth of a hat; a hat the size of a house; a hat that you could get lost in. Where was I?

6. It Aids Peer Recognition. Most social groups have shared readily identifiable features that their members can use to spot one another. Hipsters can tell other hipsters by their shirts and glasses; MCC members can recognise other MCC members by their egg and bacon ties; gits can spot gits by looking into a mirror and seeing Piers Morgan, and 7 Reasons readers can distinguish other 7 Reasons readers because they are carrying their laundry basket around with them. If you wear a top hat, you’ll be able to spot your peers – other top hat wearers – in a crowd, from the other side of moderately high walls and in cars with sunroofs. You can’t put a price on the camaraderie of the hat.

7. It Helps Others. Want to help a humourist who’s just decided to spend his birthday money on a top hat? Of course you do. You can do that just by wearing a top hat, thus making him feel slightly less self-conscious about wearing one himself. Because I’d like to don a top hat and amble around the streets of my city without people pointing and mocking; without being shrieked at by hideous hen parties and being taunted by even more hideous groups of stags; without children guffawing at my distinctive and wondrous headpiece while shouting, “hat!”. I’d consider it a personal favour if everyone that has read this were to go out and buy a top hat today. We could start a revolution, or at least make me look a little less ridiculous, which would be no mean feat. Go now. Go buy a hat!

July 8, 2011
7 Reasons To Look In The Mirror Before Leaving The House

The first thing to say about about today’s 7 Reasons post is that I feel very guilty for what I am about to write. What you are about to read is a savage attack on one elderly gentleman’s dress sense. An elderly gentleman who no doubt fought in the War just so I could live in a world where I am free to judge him. It’s hardly the way in which to offer thanks is it? And I honestly do feel somewhat ashamed for what appears below. The thing is though, if I don’t help this gentleman out, then Trinny and Susannah will. That is something I am not prepared to let happen. So, here we go. May I present a hero dressed terribly.

The more observant of you will note that this man is wearing an MCC blazer and bow tie. That’s because he is an MCC member and was yesterday evening at Lord’s watching Middlesex battle it out with Worcestershire. I wasn’t. I was at home watching it on Sky Sports. Which is where I saw the man, blinked, wondered if what I had just seen was real, rewound the TV, watched the footage again, found the man and hit pause. I then took the above photo. I am sure you can think of your own reasons, but here are my top seven as to why he really should have looked in the mirror.

1. Trousers (Part One). He’s wearing them quite high. And when I say quite high, I mean around his chest. Unless you take style tips from Simon Cowell that’s an odd place for the waistband to sit. And when I say odd, I mean bloody ridiculous. What happens if you are caught short – as I understand is a regular occurrence when you reach a certain age? Your fly will open somewhere around your belly button. That’s just asking for trouble. And a wet patch.

2. Trousers (Part Two). If the waistband is around the chest, we can only guess at what point the legs of the trousers end. We must be talking some serious ankle swingers. And probably white socks. It’s not a good image is it?

3. Shirt. If this man had looked in the mirror before heading off to Lord’s he would have realised that the last time he used the washing machine he had an absolute nightmare. Resulting in at least one shrunken shirt.

4. Checks. Admittedly the sickly MCC egg and bacon attire makes it very had to look stylish while sitting in the pavilion, but one should know that mixing stripes with checks is a serious fashion faux pas. Unless he was trying to dazzle the Worcestershire batsmen. In which case he is a cleverer man than I have given him credit for and I feel somewhat inadequate to continue writing. But I shall.

5. Disguise. It was a dark, damp evening at Lord’s which leads me to ask whether the sun hat and sunglasses were strictly necessary. It is as if this man was trying to hide from someone. Unfortunately, on the evidence no one told the dear fellow that the best way of hiding is by blending in. Or going into the loft for a decade.

6. Abuse. As I have previously mentioned, this post is a sad indictment of society today. My only defence – and I fully accept it is both a pathetic and futile one – is that I write ravaged by guilt. There are many who would see this man and – without even a thought as to the harm it would cause – draw comparisons between him and this pair. And that is completely unacceptable. Accurate, but unacceptable.

7. Hat. Is it me or is there a suspicious lump on the top of his head? A lump concealed by a small white floppy. I’m thinking pigeons. I’m thinking this is Blowers’ new pigeon supplier. Which not only goes to prove this man doesn’t look in the mirror when he’s about to leave the home, it also means he isn’t a regular reader of 7 Reasons. And that really is the great disappointment here.

May 18, 2011
7 Reasons To Wear A Cape

1. You’re A Fashionista. This is the fashion. I personally think the above looks a bit silly. And, if you are Louis Vuitton, you probably would too. But as he has been dead for 118 years, I very much doubt he cares that his once burgeoning luggage company has turned into this.

2. Fancy Dress Parties. You are probably wondering why I didn’t write this first? I mean, it is the most obvious reason. I didn’t write it first because it made much more sense to have the reason that worked with the image first. Common sense in my book. Anyway, if you are going to a fancy dress party as a superhero, you must wear a cape. If you don’t you’ll probably be mistaken for that girl from Flashdance.

3. Use As A Hood. It is a well known fact that 87% of all coats don’t have a hood. It’s a bizarre trend, but a fact none-the-less. It’s also a well known fact that 87% of the 100% of people who wear a hood-less coat, forget to carry an umbrella on their person. If 87% of those 87% wore a cape, only 22% of the entire population would ever get a wet head. And that has to be a good thing. Doesn’t it?*

4. Spare Material. A cape has a very practical use. It could be torn up to make an infinite number of tourniquets, Rambo style headbands, bracelets, Christmas tree decorations. You just never know what is around the next corner.

5. You’re A Man. Capes are particularly useful if you like hugging girls. As a general rule, girls don’t like to be cold. With a cape you can invite them into your chest and wrap your cape around them. Smooth. Oh, you can also use it to wipe your nose.

6. You’re A Woman. Now, as you can probably tell, I am not your average man. I pride myself on the fact that I can do at least two things at once. Unless it’s write a 7 Reasons post and spell everything correctly. Women though – so I have heard – can do up to 32 things at once. A cape can help them make that at least 35. They could carry things. Or drag things. Or polish things. The possibilities are endless.

7. You Have Short Hair. Short hair is good as it doesn’t take two and a half hours to dry. Long hair is good if you like whooshing it about from side to side á la L’Oreal adverts. I personally have short hair, but the idea of being able to toss my head from side to side seems somewhat appealing. If I wore a cape it could perform the function of long hair. And it would only take ten minutes in the tumble dryer.

*Calculations are not available for public consumption.

February 9, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

1. It causes a rash. When you’re the cool kid at your school, people expect you to do things differently, to be a bit rebellious. To subvert convention, you wear your black, orange and electric-blue striped polyester school tie with the thin end at the front. This means that you have to tuck the thick end into your shirt. You spend four long years at secondary school with a painful rash on your chest. You are cool though.

2. It hampers nudism. If a nudist dons a tie, he ceases to become a nudist, he becomes a weirdo.

3. It is disrespectful to Alan Hansen. Have you noticed something about football-pundits? They all wear shirts without ties. All of them, on every channel. They stopped wearing them at some point in the ‘90s. We believe that this was a football-pundit gesture of solidarity with Alan Hansen whose tie, along with his shoelaces, had been confiscated for his own safety when his “You’ll never win anything with kids” statement was disproved so emphatically and publicly. This is also why they never show the pundits’ shoes.

4. It can be dangerous. Ties can be dangerous, especially around the office.

Having been lured into a bedroom in an Austrian palace by a scantily-clad Jennifer Aniston, James Bond has been hit over the back of the head and knocked unconscious by her unseen accomplice. When he regains consciousness he finds himself in a nondescript office. He is bound at the wrists and ankles. He is seated and flanked by two burly henchmen. He faces the bad guy who sits behind a desk on top of which Bond can see a red telephone, a large rubber-band ball and a paper shredder. The henchmen take hold of him under the arms, pull him to his feet, and drag him to the front of the desk. One of the henchmen inserts the end of Bond’s tie into the top of the paper shredder which springs to life instantly, slowly dragging Bond inexorably toward it. Shocked and intimidated, his tie tightening, with beads of sweat visible on his brow, Bond enquires, “Do you expect me to talk, Bronzethumb?” The bad guy replies, “No Mr Bond, I expect you to tie-die.”

5. It causes moustaches. Hairy-chested lotharios can’t wear ties. They need to wear shirts – preferably yellow – with several buttons undone to expose their hairy-chests and large gold medallions. If lotharios were to wear ties, babes wouldn’t be able to ogle their chest hair and their gold pendants that depict an almost life-sized St. Christopher. Consequently, they would bed fewer chicks and would be forced to grow a Tom Selleck style moustache to demonstrate their rampant manliness instead.

6. It is phallic. It looks a bit like your penis. It points to your penis. Do you really want to draw attention to your penis?

7. It is unhygienic. Ties catch food. Everyone drops food on their tie. If they weren’t wearing ties the food would land on their shirts, which would be good. Then they could just put the shirt in the washing machine and get a clean one out of the wardrobe. Ties are usually made of silk and are always dry clean only, so people don’t remove them after a jam spill, they just rub at them for a bit with a damp cloth until the stain is less visible. The food stain eventually gathers bacteria and people go through life wearing bacteria-harbouring ties. What do people do before they arrive at the meeting? They straighten their ties. What do people do when they arrive at the meeting? They all shake hands. What do people do after the meeting? They become ill and die a hideous tie-bacteria inflicted death. What they don’t do at any point is take their ties to the dry-cleaners. Nobody does. Ever. You don’t either.

November 23, 2009
7 Reasons You Should Wear A Tie

1. It’s Smart. A tie creates a good first impression. Whether you are are going for an interview or taking that rusty bike to the skip, you should always wear a tie. It is much easier saying goodbye to the rusty bike with a tie on. It feels more like a funeral.

2. It’s Sexy. As Jennifer Aniston aptly demonstrates for us, a woman in a tie can be quite lovely. You turn up to an interview like that and you will get that job. You better just hope they don’t give you a complimentary pencil sharpener. Where are you going to put it?

3. It’s Fashion. You may not have heard about it yet, but 2010 is going to be the year of the tie-pyjama combo. That’s right, people are going to start wearing their tie in bed. It’s going to be the ‘must do’ activity so you should probably start now. Pyjama parties will never be the same again.

4. It’s You. The way you wear a tie says a lot about you. Just think of Rambo. The colour also says what type of person you are. Blue indicates a caring and humorous nature. Red shows passion and fire. Black denotes serious intent. Yellow with green dots suggests colour blindness. So remember, ‘Whatever message you want to get across, say it with a tie’. (That’s a great line and now the copyright of Jonathan Lee).

5. It’s Food. A tie is the only piece of clothing that it is acceptable to be seen chewing on. It is to apparel what the biro is to stationary. And of course you are not actually eating the tie, you are just sucking out all the nutrients. It is much healthier than a Snickers bar and does count as one of your ‘five-a-day’.*

6. It’s Useful. Why do you think James Bond always wears a tie? It’s because he never knows when he is about to be attacked. (Between you and me, I don’t know why he just doesn’t read the script. That way he could catch a different cable car than the bad guy. But anyway, he has a tie so it doesn’t really matter I suppose). James Bond and bad guy are in the same cable car. Bond left his gun under some French fancies pillow so he is both unarmed and knackered from all the fancying. Suddenly the cable car comes to an abrupt halt because bad guy’s mate has pressed the ‘off’ button. Bad guy whips out his gun but before you can say, ‘Bloody Hell Girlfriend! Bond is in a spot of bother here.’ Bond has electrocuted bad guy using the latest iPhone app and is whizzing down the cable hanging onto his tie. Genius.

7. It’s Clever. The tie was invented for one purpose and one purpose only. Everything else you have read are simply unforeseen bonus features. The one reason a tie was invented was because it is very clever at covering up jam stains on your shirt. Everyone drops jam on their shirt in the morning and it always lands right in line with the sternum. That can’t be covered with a jacket. A tie is your hero. And in the unusual occurrence that the jam stain is just off centre, well you wear a crooked tie.

*This is a lie.

November 20, 2009