When you get to about ten years of age you start realising that slippers are for girls and Grandads. It is certainly a view I held for the next seventeen years. However, since moving to Kent last June, my relationship with slippers has begun to change. In my previous abode in Fulham the house was very much slipper free. Living with an Australian all I saw were thongs. (That’s Australian for flip-flop, I wasn’t a pervert). In Kent, though, the ratio of flip-flops to slippers is 1:1. Now, I don’t know why, but the slippers in question – my girlfriend’s slippers – had a habit of calling me. Wherever I looked, there they were. Asking to be worn. It’s the same as biscuits in the jar or cushions on the sofa. They demand to be eaten or jumped on. Respectively, obviously. Not simultaneously. After six months of looking after the slippers in question, I was bought my own pair. I have now worn my own slippers for three months. And far from feeling like an old man, I feel young, hip and warm in the tootsie department. If you are not a slipper wearer, here is why you should be:
1. Grip. As someone who is both active and clumsy, wooden or tiled floors have often been my downfall. Quite literally. I just can’t help but try and slide from one end of the kitchen to the other. While this can be fun, it can also be highly dangerous for both myself and other kitchen based persons. Especially if they are carrying a pan of boiling water. Or an expensive antique plant pot. While slippers will never help superglue the pot back together at least the soles prevent further accidents and weeks without receiving pocket money. An extremely valuable source of income when you want to buy a Game Boy.
2. Socks. The slipping and the sliding may have something to do with it, but the vast majority of my socks have a hole problem. Or, to be more accurate, my holes have a sock problem. I don’t buy cheap and I don’t attack them with scissors, but matter not within weeks a hole is already beginning to form. Or at least they were. Now, with the introduction of slippers to my daily attire, my socks last much longer. Much longer. We’re talking months here, not just days. To give you a more accurate picture, in the three months of 2011 so far there has only been one New Sock Saturday. In years gone by it has been at least two. Slippers means I am wearing 50% less socks each year. And that’s without reverting to my 2006 One Sock A Day project.
3. Warmth. We try not to state the bloody obvious on 7 Reasons for bloody obvious reasons, but on this occasion I feel it is fair game. That’s because I have terrible blood circulation to my extremities. Well, most of them. My toes in particular don’t feel the benefit of any blood. As a result they are always freezing and half the time I forget I have any. Now the last thing you need, especially when you are filling out an important medical form or the census, is to forget you have toes. This can lead to much confusion in the doctors canteen and a £1000 fine. Wear slippers though, and you’ll never forget.
4. Emotion. So far this year two sporting events have caught the imagination of my slippers. The Cricket World Cup and the Six Nations. In both events England have thrilled and appalled in equal measure. It’s during these moments of ecstasy and pain that I find my slippers to be of much use. A wicket or a try to the good and my slippers become the loudest clappers in the land. A wicket or a try to the bad however and they make a pleasing thwack on the table. Or a not so pleasing one on my knee. Either way, worth having a pair to hand.
5. Efficiency. Slippers are comfortable. If they are not you probably have them on the wrong foot. So take them off the unsuspecting slipper wearer and slip into them yourself. In this comfortable and warm environment one can easily begin to feel slightly sleepy. When I put my slippers on I know I am going to be asleep within the hour. On a good day I have more than an hours work to get through which means I have to work like a Chinese production line to get it done. Then, just before I start snoozing, I whip the slippers off and spend the rest of the day writing stuff for 7 Reasons. Obviously I don’t expect you to write for 7 Reasons in your now empty day, but you could do something equally worthwhile. Like see how many Jaffa Cakes you can eat in one minute. The world record is a paltry seven. I’ve managed five. This was in the days before I wore slippers though.
6. Intelligence. I don’t know about you, but I believe in this psychological nonsense. If I am not wearing the right cap I never score runs. If I don’t drink tea with my breakfast I feel thirsty. If I get the letters Z, Q and J when playing Scrabble I never win. Well, in the same light, if I don’t wear my slippers I don’t feel very intelligent. I feel somewhat immature and insecure and other words that begin with ‘i’ that I’d only be able to think of if I was wearing my slippers right now. Which only goes to prove my point.
7. Superiority. I was originally going to publish this post at the start of March, but I wanted to conduct an experiment based on the above. Was I really a better performer with slippers on? Well, the jury is very much still out on this one. What I can tell you, however, is that if I answered the door whilst wearing slippers people were much politer to me and much more in awe of my standing than they were the one time I didn’t. That was the time Gary the builder wondered if I wanted my guttering looked at. When I told him that I was quite capable of looking at it myself he got in a huff. I don’t blame him. That’s slippers for you. Or the lack of anyway.
